A (4:37)
There'S something I want you to ask yourself, and at first it's going to feel confusing, but I'm going to say it a couple times. I promise you we're going to get to something really deep. Were you allowed to want I'll say it a different way. Were you allowed to want things or yourself? And I'll add one more nuance. When you were younger, were you allowed to want things for yourself even if they inconvenienced other people? Really ask ourselves that. Was I allowed to want things for myself even if they inconvenienced other people? Now it's important to separate this from something else. So am I allowed to get things that I want even if it inconvenienced my family? That's not what I'm talking about. Wanting and getting are two different things. So here's why it's so important to really have an understanding of how our past comes alive today. See, we have these moments as parents all the time. And if you're like me, you think, okay, it was definitely annoying that my kid was whining about their grilled cheese being cut the wrong way. Definitely annoying. But what's going on that I exploded. See, we think we need our kids behavior to change, to feel better. But here's the amazing thing, because it's much more empowering than relying on your young kid to make you feel better. As soon as you have a better understanding of why you have such a big reaction to your kids whining things, already feel more hopeful. And you'll feel much more empowered because you have clarity, which is often the thing we're missing. And gaining clarity on our present often comes from understanding our past. So let's say you grew up in a pull up your bootstraps kind of family. Let's say you grew up in a oh, you're crying and complaining. I'll give you something to cry and complain about kind of family. Well, what is the lesson you had to learn when you were younger? Probably something like, ooh, being vulnerable and having my emotions take over and spill out. Not okay. Not only not okay. Dangerous. Why is it dangerous? Because you got this really harsh reaction from your parents. Again, not blaming them. They probably had parents who had harsh reactions with them when they were younger. Right. And so you had to learn to take your vulnerable, maybe helpless upset. Cause that's whining, right? Oh, I'm so upset. This isn't going the way I wanted and I don't know how to handle it. So it's spilling out. You, when you were a kid, had to learn to talk to those emotions in such a way that they didn't come out. Maybe it was. What's wrong with you? You are so ungrateful. Even if no one said that to you, you might have learned how to say that to yourself just so you would stop yourself from being so vulnerable and kind of getting in trouble or getting scared by your caregivers who you love so much. Okay, so that's looking back. But this is not about looking back on our past and lying on a couch and just waxing poetic. No, no, no. This is going to be useful and practical. So if that was your past, how does that relate to your moment? Or your nervous system gets so overactive when your kid says, oh, I wanted to cut in a rectangle. I hate triangles. Even though they always wanted a triangle every other day of their life. Okay, well, your kid is feeling helpless. Your kid is feeling vulnerable. That's always underneath whining. And then when you see your kid in that moment, the way your past comes alive in your present is, your body kind of looks inside itself and says, what do I know about helplessness? What do I know about vulnerable, upset? This did not go the way I wanted it to go. Feelings. Are those feelings safe to express or are those feelings dangerous? Well, your body scans the lessons you Learned from your past. And what does your body say? No, no go. No go. Danger, danger. Five alarm, fire. And what is that voice you might have developed? It's a voice you used to say to yourself, stop it. For me, it would be, becky, what's wrong with you? And then there's like a time travel instead of it being the 1980s, right? It is 2025, but your body doesn't know that. And what you end up saying to your kid is almost what you had to learn to say to yourself in the 1980s, because that's the INV inventory your body just went through. And all of a sudden you're saying to your kid, what's wrong with you? Why are you so spoiled? You're so lucky to have someone making you grilled cheese. And later, part of you is saying, yeah, my kid's so annoying. But a part of you is saying, just wish I handled that moment differently. And this understanding is key. I wish I handled it differently. And my nervous system was probably in a place where almost confused 2025 or like 1987. So again, our past influences our present. Our nervous system today isn't just responding to a moment with our kid. It's responding to the lessons we learned decades ago and how those lessons get reactivated in the present. Every struggle has a story to tell. For example, let's say your whole family like to go skiing, and you kind of always hated skiing and you hated being cold. When I talk about, were you allowed to want to not go skiing, that doesn't necessarily mean your whole family changed their ski plans or got you a babysitter. That would be. That would mean getting to not go skiing while it inconvenienced your family. I'm simply talking about, were you allowed to want things. Let me tell you what I mean. You wake up in the morning, you're like, oh, I hate skiing. I hate skiing. Everyone skis all the time in my family. I hate skiing. Being allowed to want something for yourself, even if it inconveniences others, would mean you maybe got a response like this, I get it. We go skiing every weekend. Everyone loves it except for you. You kind of hate being cold. I believe you. This part of family life on a weekend kind of stinks for you. Now, I want to be clear. There's a lot of families where what would follow that and be having to get in ski clothes and go anyway because they couldn't change everything. But most adults I talk to tell me in that type of situation and please extrapolate to something that has nothing to do with skiing. We all have our kind of specific examples that are different. Even though a lot of our core struggles are remarkably identical. Because most parents I talk to say, oh my goodness, Becky, is that a joke? You think that's what my family would have said to me? It was, you're so selfish. You think about nobody but yourself. What is wrong with you? And then this kind of winner. You ruin everything. You ruin everything. Look at your brother, look at your sister. You ruin everything. Let's go back to the question. Did I learn that it was okay to want things for myself even even though it inconvenienced other people? Or did I learn my wants, my personal desires are dangerous in relationships. My wants, my personal desires threaten closeness. When I want things for myself and I voice those things and they're at odds with, with what would make someone else's life easy. I end up feeling scared and I end up feeling like my relationship with that person is in trouble. Remember, we're not talking about getting what you want. We're talking about being able to know what you want and voice it. And I just want you to know that it's so easy to think next. Oh, so it's okay? So it's just okay that I yell at my kids? This is not about okay and not okay. None of us want to yell at our kids in a triggered way. But so often, because we don't want to do something, we're harsh on ourself, we chastise ourself, which ironically makes it impossible to change. Every struggle has a story to tell. And I promise you self, compassion isn't dangerous. We might have learned that it was because maybe it was so rare to receive compassion that when we try it on with ourselves, our body has this very confused panic feeling. Oh, foreign body coming in. What is compassion? I have no magnet for that. I've never felt like that before. Gotta get it out. But I just want you to consider that compassion is new. Compassion will feel unfamiliar. And compassion is not dangerous. Finding the right person to take care of your kids can be exhausting. The hours of searching, vetting and second guessing it can feel like its own full time job. That's why I want to tell you about hello Nanny. They're a nationwide agency that matches families with nannies and other household support. Like family assistants or household managers. Whatever you need. If you're someone who likes to be in the driver's seat, you might be into their DIY placement service. They send you tailored candidate matches and provide things like interview questions. Contract templates, onboarding guides, and more, you're still in total control of the process. They just give you tools to make it way easier. And if you're someone who's like, no, thank you, I don't want to deal with any of that, then maybe check out their concierge placement service where they handle it all for you. If this is something you're looking for, check them out@hellonanny.com and you can use promo code Dr. Becky. That's D, R, B, E, C, k, y for 10% off. That's good.
