← Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Compassion Isn’t Dangerous
00:20:25
We’ve been taught to fear compassion. That if we’re too soft, our kids will be too weak—unable to handle the “real world.” But what if that’s exactly backwards?
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So I was recently at a birthday party for a toddler. It was a family friend. I don't have a toddler right now. But it really brought me back to toddler birthday parties with one of my kids. And they were so painful. I'm gonna tell you the arc, okay? My kid would always start the morning of, I'm not going to this birthday party, I don't want to go. And too many people. And I think back then, if I really am honest, I just got really activated. I was just like, it's not a big deal. You know, all these kids in your class or, you know, your cous. This gymnastics place, whatever it was, it would always kind of be some fire. I would get frustrated. I'd kind of go like this internally. Like we'd get there, my child would cling to me as if I don't even know. There was some like, massive threat of my child being abducted and taken from me. Even though we were almost always in a situation with people we knew and in an environment she knew, I'd feel annoyed. Eventually she would join the birthday party and it would usually be with like five minutes left of the activity. And then sure enough, it was like pizza and cake. And then my child would come back to me hysterically crying that the birthday party was so short. You and I know a lot of choice words I wanted to say. That's what happens when you join, you know, for the last five minutes of a 90 minute activity. And then often with the pizza and the birthday cake, it was like, oh, I didn't get the seat next to the birthday party friend and I really wanted that seat. Or oh my goodness, I wanted the flower and the cake and my friend got the flower and I didn't get the flower. It was just really, really challenging. But here's what I reflected on now that I have older kids and I was a little bit more in kind of bird's eye view in this situation this past weekend where there were a bunch of the toddlers. I realized having a hard time at this birthday party, something that was in limited supply when I was going through that time was compassion. I was so triggered. I felt so annoyed. I was so judgmental. And it just really made me think about how common it is to lead with judgment, to lead with criticism, to lead with like seeing your kid or their distress as the enemy and how compassion has almost become something in our minds. And I think there's a lot of reasons for this. It's not because we're cruel hearted people. That is almost deemed as dangerous. I can't be compassionate to my kid, like something bad's gonna happen. Compassionate about their resistance to the birthday party, compassionate about not getting a flower, Compassion about being sad that it's over. It's almost like we view compassion as dangerous. And I just started to think after this birthday party, like, what if, what if we knew that compassion wasn't dangerous? What if we saw it as safe, as important, as helpful? I think this matters as scientifically backed and as a source of strength, not as something that causes weakness. And so that's what I want to jump into today. Compassion isn't dangerous. Let's get into it. I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. We'll be back right after this.
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- [05:18]
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Okay, let's jump into why we fear compassion. And why do we as parents fear, in some ways being compassionate toward our kids in their hard moments. And I want to answer this in two ways. First, I want to say the first thing that comes to mind. And I think this is where me and a lot of my friends, this is like kind of the first thing we say to each other. Then I'm wanting to get to the second thing. I think there's a deeper reason why that's probably more true than the first reason. Okay, let's get to the first reason. I think we worry that being compassionate toward our kids, especially when they're having a big reaction to something we deem to be a small childish thing. We think that compassion is going to lead to kids being soft, being snowflakes. My kid has to know how the world works. No one cares if you don't get the flour on a cake when you're an adult. And I want to prepare you for that eventuality. I want to make you strong. I don't want you to have a meltdown when you're 18 or 48. About Fill in the blank now, just to break this down a little bit. And again, I thought these things myself. Being compassionate to your kid when they're young does not lead to your kid being soft when they're old. Interestingly, the way we respond to our kids today has the biggest impact on how they respond to themselves when they're older. And the ability to say to yourself, oh, that stinks. Oh, I didn't want that to happen. Oh, that makes sense. That this is hard, ironically, is the thing that stops you from spiraling. You've already ended the loop. Something was hard. You named it for yourself. This is hard. I'm allowed to have a hard time. Oh, this is disappointing. Yes, it is. And I'm allowed to feel that way. That actually ends the loop of that feeling faster than almost anything else. Because we're all searching for compassion. We're searching to be understood. And so when we berate ourselves, ironically, that makes us so much softer because we're not able to deal with the feeling because it lasts longer and gets even bigger. Having said that, I almost don't even want to entertain the question. Because the question does compassion when our kids are young make them soft, weak adults when they're old? I think it just allows us to walk down a path that is just a lot less productive than a different, deeper, more self reflective, more true path. And here's what I think it's really about. Why does compassion feel dangerous to our kids? Anything that's new tends to feel dangerous. Because our body is kind of saying, oh, what is this? What is this response? What is this feeling? I do not have this in excess. I don't know what this is. What is this foreign body? You know what our body tends to do with foreign bodies? Reject it. Read it as a danger before you figure out if it's safe. And I think for most parents, compassion wasn't such kind of limited supply, was so rare, maybe was completely absent from your own childhood when you were struggling, that your body reads compassion as dangerous. Even though it's actually just new, it's unfamiliar now. The irony is if you want to kind of give something to your kids that's even slightly different than what you received, you're going to feel like that new thing is dangerous. It's going to bring an uncomfortable feeling in your body. So in a way, I think we have this kind of amazing framework. Compassion does kind of feel dangerous because it's new. And if I'm trying to be a cycle breaker, then that new dangerous feeling is maybe the best signal I have that I'm actually giving something very different to my kids. Compassion is a huge part of self regulation. And just to define what self regulation is, self regulation is our ability to have a feeling and not be taken over by it. I think that's really important because maybe some of us think even unconsciously self regulation means I don't have hard feelings. That's not a possibility. Everybody in the world feels mad. Everybody in the world feels jealous. Everybody in the world feels disappointed and less than other people and sad. That's just part of being human. So if we think about the feeling as kind of one of your fists, and then you think about the other fist as how you respond to that feeling, those two things together determine how a feeling lives in your body and whether you're able to regulate the feeling and move on and make a good decision, or whether the feeling takes over you, in which case we tend to be very, very reactive. I want you to think about compassion as one of the key ways we can make a feeling more manageable. So in a way, if you're, say, less than feeling, I got fired from a job, I feel less than. I feel unworthy. Let's say that spikes, which of course it would if you got fired from a job or for your kid, of course it would if you weren't invited to a birthday party, kind of the same situation. Except one is when you're, I don't know, 45, and one is when you're five. Okay, you're both gonna have hard feelings. Compassion is one of the key things that can help that feeling not explode further and can almost make it smaller. Not smaller, like suppress it, but smaller, like, wait, this feeling is a part of me, not all of me. Because let's take your 5 year old not being invited to a birthday party. Now I get it. For me too. It's easier to say we have an urge right away. It's not a big deal. You guys aren't even really friends. Some people get invited, some people don't. Oh, you'll get invited to the next one, right? Or why are you making such a big deal out of this? It's really not a big deal. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. So what's happening for my kid in any of those situations is they feel less than unworthy, disappointed. If I add my criticism, my invalidation, the feeling just gets bigger. It's so counterproductive. Plus, my kid has learned to pair hard feelings with an invalidating self critical voice. Well, guess what? A parent's voice becomes a child's self talk, meaning when I approach my kid's distress with invalidation. You're making a big deal out of nothing and criticism. You're such a crybaby. What is happening in my kid's body is now they're more likely when they get older. And let's say what's happening when they're older is they get fired from a job. They're more likely to say to themselves, I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm such a crybaby. Which, guess what, is only going to make it more difficult for them to find their feet, find their confidence, find their self trust, find their resilience and actually move on and figure out what they want to do next. And it will get in their way of reflecting. I wonder why I got fired. I wonder if there's a pattern I should pay attention to. Is there anything I can learn? When you're overwhelming yourself with invalidation and self criticism, your body can't get grounded enough, it can't recover enough to do that higher level work of self reflection and kind of planning for the future. When instead a parent's voice is something like this. You really wanted to go to that birthday party. It makes sense. You're upset. And listen, I know there's going to be a day when it doesn't feel this hard. And yes, you are going to school tomorrow. We're not going to miss school just because you're upset. You're upset. That is real and I know you're going to get through it. Okay, let's fast forward 40 years. I'm upset I got fired from my job, of course I'm upset. I'm allowed to be upset. That makes sense. And I might give myself one day to stay in bed. But after that I'm gonna get out of bed, I'm gonna get into a routine, I'm gonna figure this out. That is what we want for our kids when they're older. And that doesn't just happen with age. What happens when we're older is we activate the circuitry that was put in place when we're younger. And I think what I'm trying to illustrate here is the circuitry that leads to resilience and growth and self reflection starts with compassion.
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Recently I've been on the road spreading the word about my new children's book, that's my A Good Inside Story about Hitting. I'm so grateful and excited to be on this book tour, connecting with our community in person. And it's also true that being away.
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From home can feel hard.
- [15:07]
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- [15:38]
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So remember how I said that there is science to back up the idea that compassion and self compassion is part of resilience and is not the same thing as self pity. I want to prove it to you. Now. I don't know if you all know Kristin Neff. She's amazing. She's probably one of, if not the, leading researcher on the impact of self compassion. I just want to read a few things her research has established. Contrary to the fear that self compassion makes people complacent, Neff's research shows that it increases motivation. Compassion after failure makes people more likely to persevere and try again as compared to those who self criticize. Also, self compassion helps people take responsibility for mistakes without spiraling into shame. That's huge. A couple other things. I'm gonna put my computer away. Self compassion correlates with lower levels of stress, anxiety and depression. And self compassion acts as an emotional buffer, helping people handle challenges with greater resilience. Let me double click on the difference between self compassion and self pity. And there's someone out there, Joshua, it's you who has really kind of helped me see this difference. And he said to me, Dr. Becky, so many of your deeper materials that good inside. I think honestly for him it was a lot of the stuff around Reparenting where he said, I finally understand that self compassion doesn't mean me waking up in the morning and saying I don't want to go to the gym. Oh, Joshua, okay, stay in bed. He said, I always thought that's what self compassion was and so I stayed away from it. But you help me see that's not self compassion. Self compassion and kind of the good inside way is saying to yourself I really don't want to go to the gym. That makes sense. It's six in the morning and I'm tired. Most people would want to stay in bed. And two things are true. I am tired and I see the version of myself that's going to feel proud for going and I know I can do something even when I don't want to do it. And this is going to make me feel so good about myself and I really deserve those feelings now. Interestingly, Joshua said to me there are still some mornings where I don't go to the gym. It's not like there's anything magical but I've noticed when I say those two things to myself, acknowledging why my feelings make sense and also really believing in myself, I'm getting to the gym more often. I'm actually able to feel more motivated and I can have less shame in the moments when I do say this is a bed morning not a gym morning. That's the difference. Self compassion doesn't keep you stuck. Self compassion might wonder why you're stuck from a most generous interpretation perspective and helps you see a path to getting unstuck. That's why self compassion is not self pity. So here's what I want you to think about today. Compassion often feels dangerous because it's new, not because it's wrong. And I think there's two things we can kind of think about in terms of how to action on this. And these two pillars to me is kind of what makes good inside good inside. I love your kids and I love helping you show up for them in different ways that make you really feel proud of yourself and where you watch the impact on their resilience and confidence and things that matter long term. And two things are true. I want you to really know and I mean this very directly. I am here for you too. Not just meaning for you to be a better parent to your kid or be a parent in the way that feels better to you. No, for you. If you have not received a lot of compassion in your life, I want you to develop compassion. A small practice around compassion, not just for your kids benefit, for your benefit. You deserve healing and growth and self confidence. You deserve to feel a little bit more at peace with who you are. And I promise you, as that happens for you, your kid is going to naturally benefit without any concrete script or strategy. So let's think about both from here. Maybe ask yourself, who is it harder for me to give compassion to? Is it my kid? Is it myself? Is it equally hard? And maybe we could take a moment right here and just do it together. Because I talk a good game about compassion, but it's not exactly my forte either. I'm quick to criticize and judge myself and my kids. So maybe I'm doing this for you. Maybe I'm doing this for myself. Maybe two things are true. Just place a hand on your heart and I want you to think of one thing that's kind to say to yourself. I'll share a few. And that way, if these words are hard, which only means they're new, you can try one of these on I listened to this whole podcast today. I'm pretty amazing. It makes sense that this whole parenting and being an adult thing is hard. It feels hard because it is hard, not because I'm doing something wrong. I'm doing a lot. I hear the list of things I'm not doing. It's just more practiced for me to hear that list than to hear the list of all the ways I'm showing up. I am showing up. And that really matters. I'm sending you a hug. I'm sending you by belief in you. And I'm sending you an extra dose of compassion, which I promise is not dangerous. Talk to you soon.
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Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb and Midi Health.