Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Episode Title: Detecting Shame in Your Kid
Release Date: November 5, 2024
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy

Introduction to Shame in Children

In the episode titled "Detecting Shame in Your Kid," Dr. Becky Kennedy delves into the profound impact of shame on children and how parents can effectively recognize and address it. Drawing a parallel between the disruptive presence of a siren and the insidious nature of shame, Dr. Becky emphasizes the importance of being attuned to the signs of shame to foster healthier parent-child relationships.

Dr. Becky [00:11]: "Shame in our kids has to activate a siren inside of ourselves. We have to develop the ability to recognize when shame is present."

Understanding Shame vs. Guilt

Dr. Becky distinguishes between shame and guilt, elucidating how each emotion affects a child's self-perception and behavior differently.

• Guilt: Relates to specific behaviors that conflict with one's values or identity. It encourages reflection and behavioral alignment without diminishing self-worth.

  Dr. Becky: "Guilt says to me, 'I'm a good person who did something not so good.'"

• Shame: Involves a global negative evaluation of oneself, leading to feelings of being inherently bad. This can result in defensive behaviors and a shutdown in communication.

  Dr. Becky: "Shame says I did something bad. That means I am bad."

Signs of Shame in Children

Dr. Becky outlines several indicators that parents can observe to detect the presence of shame in their children:

1. Global Negative Self-Talk: Children expressing pervasive negative beliefs about themselves, such as "I'm stupid" or "I always mess up," indicate a shame mindset.

   Dr. Becky: "Do you hear something very different? 'I'm not good at math. I'm so stupid.' There's really this global negativity."

2. Avoidance: Reluctance to engage in challenging tasks or activities where success isn't guaranteed. This avoidance stems from the fear that failure would confirm their negative self-beliefs.

   Dr. Becky: "Avoiding these moments to avoid that kind of deep criticism of who I am."

3. Explosive Reactions: Over-the-top emotional responses to minor incidents reveal underlying shame. These can include yelling, blaming others, or prolonged meltdowns.

   Dr. Becky: "Explosive reactions to seemingly minor events should definitely create a shame signal."

4. Blaming Others: When children attribute their mistakes or failures to others, it's often a defense mechanism to protect their self-worth.

   Dr. Becky: "Shame is present when your kids blame you for something you never did."

5. Perfectionism: An obsessive need to appear flawless as a means to prove self-worth and avoid feelings of shame associated with mistakes.

   Dr. Becky: "Perfectionism... feels like the way I have to prove my worthiness."

Case Studies: Real-Life Scenarios

Dr. Becky presents two distinct scenarios to illustrate how shame manifests in different contexts.

1. Explosive Reaction Over a Minor Incident: A six-year-old girl experiences a severe meltdown after spilling juice on her favorite stuffed animal, reacting with intense anger and blaming her mother despite reassurances.

   Dr. Becky: "I actually know in love, and I think she is such a typical deeply feeling kid where their vulnerability really sits next to their shame."

   Analysis: The child's reaction stems from shame intertwined with vulnerability, rendering logical reassurances ineffective. The spill wasn't just about juice on a toy but an expression of deeper self-worth issues.

2. Homework Refusal: A nine-year-old boy refuses to do math homework despite being responsible and academically capable. His parents' frustration highlights a deeper emotional struggle beyond mere academic challenges.

   Dr. Becky: "Math struggles mean I'm stupid, or maybe I'm too different from the other people in my family to be worthy and loved."

   Analysis: In a high-performing family environment, academic struggles may be internalized as personal failings, leading to avoidance behaviors fueled by shame.

Strategies for Parents to Address Shame

Dr. Becky offers actionable strategies to help parents effectively address and reduce shame in their children:

1. Increase Shame Detection Abilities: Recognize the signs of shame to shift the perspective from viewing the child as difficult to understanding their underlying vulnerabilities.

   Dr. Becky: "Instead of thinking of them as difficult or stubborn or dramatic, you start to say, 'Oh my goodness, shame is present.'"

2. Preserve the Child's Good Identity: Separate the child's actions from their self-worth to prevent the erosion of their identity. This allows for constructive dialogue and behavioral improvement without triggering defensive mechanisms.

3. Emphasize Calm Presence: In moments of shame-induced outbursts, parents should minimize verbal interventions and instead provide a calm, supportive presence.

   Dr. Becky: "Say less, do less, stay here, look at my kid lovingly and pause."

4. Build Frustration Tolerance and Growth Mindset: Encourage children to view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to their self-worth. This fosters resilience and reduces the fear of failure.

   Dr. Becky: "The most important skill for childhood frustration tolerance... start to feel proud of my ability to make it through something hard instead of tying my identity to perfect performance."

5. Promote Connection as an Antidote to Shame: Foster open communication and emotional connection to help children feel valued and understood, mitigating the isolating effects of shame.

   Dr. Becky: "If there's an antidote to shame, it's connection."

Conclusion: Transforming Parental Perception

By identifying and addressing shame, parents can transform their understanding of their children's behaviors. Recognizing shame shifts the narrative from seeing a child as inherently difficult to viewing them as vulnerable individuals in need of support and connection. This paradigm shift enables parents to implement more effective and compassionate strategies, ultimately strengthening the parent-child relationship.

Dr. Becky: "Starting to see your kid's behavior in the slight will totally change the game for you because instead of thinking of them as difficult or stubborn or dramatic, you start to say, 'Oh my goodness, shame is present.'"

Final Thoughts

Dr. Becky concludes by encouraging parents to develop a "shame siren"—a heightened awareness of the signs of shame—to better address and mitigate its effects. By prioritizing emotional connection and understanding, parents can help their children navigate and overcome the challenges associated with shame, fostering healthier emotional development and stronger familial bonds.

Dr. Becky: "When shame is present, we do shut down. We do feel unreachable because we are so almost buried into this belief and conviction in our own badness."

Additional Resources

For parents seeking further support, Dr. Becky promotes the "Good Inside" membership, offering access to practical guides, expert content, and a community of like-minded parents aiming to enhance their parenting strategies.

Note: This summary focuses solely on the core content of the episode, excluding promotional segments and advertisements to maintain relevance and engagement for those who have not listened to the podcast.