Don’t Pardon Me, I’m an Inconvenient Woman - Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky – Episode: "Don’t Pardon Me, I’m an Inconvenient Woman"

Release Date: March 25, 2025

Dr. Becky Kennedy delves deep into the concept of being an "inconvenient woman" in this compelling episode of her podcast, "Good Inside." Through personal anecdotes and psychological insights, Dr. Becky explores the challenges women face when asserting their needs and the internal conflicts that arise from societal expectations.

Defining the "Inconvenient Woman"

Dr. Becky begins by clarifying the notion of an "inconvenient woman." She emphasizes that this doesn't entail grand gestures or extreme actions, such as taking an extended vacation to isolate oneself. Instead, it focuses on the everyday moments where women assert their needs amidst daily responsibilities and societal pressures.

"This is not going to be an episode where I share with you my month-long vacation in Bali away from my whole family to be an inconvenient woman. That's never happened." [00:00]

The Coffee Incident: A Catalyst for Reflection

Using a relatable scenario, Dr. Becky recounts a seemingly mundane experience at an airport coffee shop that sparked a profound internal dialogue about gender roles and self-assertion.

She describes ordering her usual medium coffee with a little milk, only to receive a much lighter version than intended. This moment became a flashpoint for numerous questions:

"Am I allowed to want things for myself?"
"Am I allowed to ask someone to do something for me knowing it will kind of be a moment of inconvenience for them?" [00:00]

Navigating Internal Conflicts

Dr. Becky delves into the psychological struggle between fulfilling personal needs and managing the fear of inconveniencing others. She reflects on her upbringing as a "good girl" who rarely took up space or voiced her desires, leading to heightened sensitivity about asserting herself.

"When I was growing up, I was a really good girl... I didn't take up a lot of space." [02:58]

This internalized behavior often results in feelings of selfishness or guilt when one tries to prioritize personal needs over others' expectations.

Redefining Guilt and Ownership of Feelings

A significant portion of the episode focuses on disentangling genuine guilt from the misplaced sense of responsibility for others' emotions. Dr. Becky argues that what many perceive as guilt is often an undeserved absorption of others' feelings.

"Changing what we call it shifts everything... That is taking ownership of other people's feelings and metabolizing the feeling for them. So I want you to really think about that difference." [12:23]

She encourages listeners to recognize that asserting their needs does not equate to selfishness and that it's possible to prioritize oneself without taking on the emotional burdens of others.

Actionable Strategies for Self-Assertion

To empower listeners, Dr. Becky outlines concrete steps to embrace being an "inconvenient woman":

Permission to Want: Granting oneself the right to desire and seek personal fulfillment.

"I give myself permission to get my coffee the way I want it. I'm allowed to drink my coffee the way I had intended to have my coffee." [13:34]
Tolerating Inconvenience: Accepting that asserting one's needs may momentarily inconvenience others and that this is a natural part of seeking self-worth.

"It's okay to want things for yourself and to tolerate someone else's inconvenience along the way." [19:00]
Redefining Emotional Responses: Understanding that reactions from others are their own and not a reflection of one's actions or worth.

"If someone else felt annoyed, that is okay to allow that person to have those feelings and manage those feelings." [19:30]

The Broader Implications of Being an Inconvenient Woman

Dr. Becky emphasizes that embracing this mindset isn't about creating conflict but about fostering a healthier relationship with oneself and others. By prioritizing personal needs, women can build stronger parent-child connections and develop essential life skills.

"When we allow ourselves to meet our own needs, we model for our children the importance of self-worth and assertiveness." [19:50]

Conclusion: Embracing Personal Authority

In wrapping up, Dr. Becky reinforces that being an "inconvenient woman" is about striking a balance between self-advocacy and empathy for others. It's a call to action for women to consistently acknowledge their desires and navigate the accompanying societal challenges with grace and confidence.

"It's not really inconvenience. First, it's gazing in and asking yourself what you want for yourself first. And second, tolerating the inherent inconvenience that always goes along with that." [20:30]

Key Takeaways

Self-Assertion is Essential: Women must feel empowered to express their needs without feeling guilty or selfish.
Redefine Guilt: Differentiate between genuine guilt and the misplaced responsibility for others' emotions.
Actionable Steps: Permit oneself to desire personal fulfillment and accept the transient inconvenience it may cause others.
Modeling Behavior: By prioritizing their needs, women set a positive example for their children and peers.

Dr. Becky Kennedy's insightful exploration into the dynamics of self-assertion provides invaluable guidance for women striving to balance personal needs with societal expectations. Embracing the role of an "inconvenient woman" is portrayed not as a burden, but as a pathway to greater personal fulfillment and healthier relationships.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Okay, so this is part two of our series about what it means to be an inconvenient woman. What does that really mean? Now I just want to set things straight. This is not going to be an episode where I share with you my month long vacation in Bali away from my whole family to be an inconvenient woman. That's never happened. I don't think that's really accessible for most of us. And that is really, really kind of far away from the pragmatic kind of day to day that we all live. I want to share with you something that to me is the essence of what I think about around being an inconvenient woman. And I just want you to take whatever you imagine and bring it down like 39 notches, okay? Because the story that comes to mind that I think about all the time is this moment in an airport that has to do with my coffee order. And if you're thinking, becky, are you going to talk to me for the next 20 something minutes about your coffee order, you bet I am. Because in this moment, my whole past came alive. I think so many ideas around gender came alive. In some ways, the conflict between taking care of my own needs and taking care of someone else's imagined needs all came alive. And I want to dissect this because I think we have moments like this every single day. And if we instead of running past this, kind of elongate, what is really happening and how does our past come into play today? And how can we shift things a little bit? And what do we have to get ready for and what do we have to question and reframe and learn and unlearn? That's what we're going to be doing today. So I promise you something accessible, relatable and very, very usable. Let's jump in. You know that feeling when you're going.

B (1:50)

A million miles an hour jumping from one thing to the next? You're trying to finish an email and then you remember the laundry still wet. And then your kid is shouting about needing poster board for the project due tomorrow. Your phone won't stop buzzing and oh great, you forgot that tonight is parent teacher conferences. Sometimes life is just a lot stress doesn't have an on off switch and we can support our body's natural response to it. This is why I love Ritual's stress relief. Featuring Bioseries technology. It's designed to work with your body to help manage everyday stress. It contains Ashwagandha, L Theanine and saffron which combined can help us feel calmer happier and less overwhelmed by everyday stress. Ritual uses clinically studied traceable ingredients so you know exactly where they come from. Plus, as a B corp, they're committed to both people and the planet. If you feel like daily stress is taking a toll on your body and mind, you might want to give them a try. Get ritual stress relief and save 25% on your first month@ritual.com GoodInside.

A (2:58)

Okay, so there I was in an airport and I was desperate for coffee. It was a super early flight I was on. I was actually flying somewhere for good, inside for work. And I am a major morning coffee person. I mean separately. I don't know about you, I can't have an iced coffee before I've had a hot coffee. Like need my hot coffee. And it kind of sets up the whole rest of my day. Okay, so I'm in line at the airport, I get to the front and this is what I say, hey, can I just have a medium coffee? Just a really little bit of milk, right? Because just between us, I really don't like my coffee very, very light. But I also like it with a little bit of milk. And I remember saying that cuz it's always my coffee order just a little bit of milk. And I did this thing with my hand. Okay. I then kind of pay, I move to the side where they're kind of getting the coffees ready. They're like, becky, here's your coffee. I get it, I open it up and it was basically white. Okay. I don't even know if there was any coffee in there. I mean it was very, very light. Okay. I don't know if your heart is racing. I feel like my whole world came alive in that moment. It was kind of like this existential question came up and I'm going to name it here because I remember it feeling really big because it didn't just feel like it was about coffee. Am I allowed to want things for myself? Am I allowed to have something that I want to be a certain way? Am I allowed to ask someone to do something for me knowing it will kind of be a moment of inconvenience for them? If I ask for this coffee to be redone, Do I have kind of the fortitude to tolerate the eye roll or the deep breath sigh that might come my way? What is everyone around me going to think if I ask for something to be done again to meet my needs? On the other hand, can I make this work? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Would other people react this way? And Then the S word. Am I being selfish? Like, so selfish, Whole line of people. I really, really believe everything came alive in that moment. Now I want to tell you what I did, but I just want to rewind because we all have so much historical context that goes into how we respond in a moment. When I was growing up, I was a really good girl. Now, I don't know if you listened to part one of this kind of two part series where we kind of dissect. What does that really mean? It sounds like a nice phrase, but, ooh, is it more about kind of control and kind of restricting a young girl's kind of movements in the world and the space she takes up? But let's just say I was that good girl. I didn't take up a lot of space. Definitely way back when, I don't know, I'm at a birthday party and I say something like, ooh, could I have a piece of cake with the kid's name on it? You know how you always want that icing and I get one without any icing? I just would have said, all right, well, cake is cake. No big deal. Okay, so that definitely was my background, but something I've worked on from childhood to young adulthood to now, very much mid adulthood, is knowing that I'm allowed to want things and knowing that once in a while I'm allowed to have things the way that I want them. And then this is the kicker, because this is the thing. One day, if I run a school, I will teach everybody, is when you get your needs met, other people will be annoyed. When you get your needs met, other people will feel inconvenienced. When you get your needs met, you often will be met with a sigh or an eye roll, at least initially. It's that second part that I think we have to understand because there's no pure beautiful moment that we can expect when we get our needs met. Okay, so let's go back to this coffee moment in the airport. I hate drinking coffee with a lot of milk. Like, I knew that about myself. I think I had done enough, I don't know, reflection around, how do I like things? How do I want things to know? This coffee, I was going to have to dump out the whole thing. Then I have to get back in line and pay again. Or probably, you know, go to a different coffee place. I don't know, many, many, you know, kind of feet away just to not face the same person. And I just remember saying to myself, becky, you can do this. You definitely asked for your coffee a Certain way you can speak up in a way to get your needs met and still be respectful to other people. Right. I have no plans to, like, throw the coffee or yell at someone. And it's okay to want things for yourself. It's okay to speak up for what you want. And. And I think this is what really allowed. And I'll share the next part of the story. And it's okay for someone else to feel a little bit annoyed in the process, I think. And if I look back on my life years ago, here's. Here's what I think would have happened if I spoke up for my coffee being redone. Maybe I would have said it kind of timidly, and then I would have been really hypervigilant. Like, what is the reaction of the person behind me? What is the reaction of the barista? And their reactions will tell me whether or not it was right that I asked for my coffee to be redone. I think. I don't know about you. I think I was almost years ago waiting for someone behind me to be like, ugh, amazing. Amazing job. That was the right decision. A plus. Or I would want the coffee person to say, oh, my goodness, you totally did tell me that. Of course you should ask for your coffee to be redone. High five. Standing up for yourself. And if they didn't do that, even if they did this years ago, okay, I would have been like, oh, my goodness. That shrug. That shrug was basically a sign that I'm a selfish, horrible person. And I held up the whole line and I shouldn't have done this, and what's wrong with me? And now for the next two weeks, I will grovel by taking care of every single person and never doing anything for myself again. I really think I would have done that. And when I articulate it, you may be like, becky, that is going really far in a certain direction. But I don't know if I'm alone in kind of taking in data from the world in that way. And if I am, well, I guess I was the only one. So here's what I did. I said to myself that I could do this. That's actually step one, I think when we give ourselves permission to want something and we give ourselves permission to tolerate other people being inconvenienced along the way. It's kind of like 90% of, quote the work. Because now, first of all, I'm not surprised if someone seems annoyed. But I'm also not using other people's reaction as the barometer of my decision. I've already preloaded my body with kind of permission to want. I don't know, I've actually never said that before, but I'm going to pause on that because my body had a reaction to that permission to want things. I'm giving myself permission to want something that benefits me. Traveling during spring break can feel tricky because we can't necessarily take time off work when our kids are off from school and trying to join a Zoom meeting from your hotel room or from your in laws kitchen doesn't always feel great. I know because I've tried both. This is why I love Airbnb. When we travel, I can so easily find a place with plenty of room to spread out, including a desk or a table for dedicated work time, which also makes it easier to have dedicated connection time with my kids. And if you're thinking of traveling for spring break, consider hosting your home on Airbnb too. It's a great way to help offset the cost of booking one yourself. While opening up your space to another family who's traveling, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much@airbnb.com host maybe for you it's I always laugh because I think about this moment of panic where I see something go by in a grocery kind of store when I'm paying and I'm like, wait, I definitely just.