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Exclusive Peek: A Good Inside Members' Q&A - Good Inside with Dr. Becky | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Exclusive Peek: A Good Inside Members' Q&A

Tue Aug 26 2025

For the first time, we’re pulling back the curtain and sharing something usually reserved just for Good Inside Members - a live Q&A with Dr. Becky and Senior Good Inside Coach, Jamie Pfeffer. From dealing with bullying and hitting to navigating triggers, this conversation gives a peek inside the power of this community: real parents asking real questions - and getting unfiltered, empathetic, and practical support in return. Every question opens the door to powerful reframes and step-by-step strategies that will leave you feeling seen and encouraged. P.S. Have a question that didn’t make it into today’s episode? Join membership to access our daily “Ask a Coach” sessions and our 24/7 “Ask” feature in the Good Inside app (it's the closest thing to texting Dr. Becky!).

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Episode: Exclusive Peek: A Good Inside Members’ Q&A
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest Moderator: Coach Jamie (Senior Good Inside Parent Coach)
Release Date: August 26, 2025

Overview

In this special episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy offers podcast listeners a behind-the-scenes experience by sharing a live Q&A session from the Good Inside membership community. Dr. Becky and Coach Jamie tackle top parenting questions submitted by members, providing practical strategies, deep insights, and an honest look at the challenges and emotions of parenting. The episode’s focus is on real-life scenarios, actionable guidance, and the philosophy that there’s “good inside” every child—and parent.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Foundations of the Good Inside Approach

Feelings Are Okay, Behaviors Are Not
- Timestamps: [07:38–12:21]
- Dr. Becky explains the foundational Good Inside philosophy: “All feelings are okay, but not all behaviors.” She validates that this is a new “language” for many parents, since most didn’t grow up with this distinction.
- Quote: “This is totally new for all of us… The only thing pre-programmed in our body is the way our parents interacted with us.” (Dr. Becky, 08:18)
- Recommends the “I won’t let you X, you can Y” script (e.g., “I won’t let you hit me. You can hit the pillow.”) to acknowledge feelings but set boundaries with behavior.
- Emphasizes that building these skills is a journey, not a quick fix: “It’s just gonna take more time, right?” (Dr. Becky, 09:39)

2. Managing Parental Triggers

Timestamps: [12:33–18:42]
Parents often struggle when kids repeatedly demand attention or interrupt. Dr. Becky reframes triggers as information: “Our triggers are our teachers—our best information about where we need to grow.” (14:43)
She validates the shame and frustration many parents feel, urging self-compassion and curiosity about why certain behaviors are triggering.
Practicing with your child: Previewing your own triggers and creating a “signal” for when you need space helps both parent and child regulate.
Humor and honesty about the difficulty of self-advocacy for needs is also advocated.

3. Handling Bullying and Peer Conflict

Timestamps: [18:42–29:35]
Respond first by staying emotionally with your child rather than jumping to solve or retaliate:
- Quote: “Stay with my kid. It’s such a simple term and it accomplishes so much.” (Dr. Becky, 21:50)
Affirm (“I’m so glad you shared that with me”) and avoid making the event about fixing the other child or calling the school initially.
Empower your child with skills to talk to themselves, not just have a “zinger” comeback:
- “Teach your kid what to say to themselves. You can be bad at running and still be a fun, awesome kid.”
On contacting other parents: Suggests a “same team” approach—assuming everyone wants good outcomes and framing messages with openness and generosity.
Waiting before responding (to the other parent, to your child) is reframed as an act of self-trust and is highly underrated.

4. Addressing Sibling Jealousy & Hitting

Timestamps: [30:49–38:30]
Hitting is a developmentally normal behavior but requires proactive coaching.
Clarifies that age does not “deliver” skills; active coaching builds them.
Using “wondering” with kids (e.g., “I wonder if it’s hard to have a little sister that crawls everywhere”) acknowledges underlying feelings and diffuses shame.
Most effective intervention is to anticipate and interrupt the behavior before it happens, much like physically preventing a child from running into the street.

5. Anxiety & Lying in Older Kids

Timestamps: [38:30–46:35]
Reframes children’s lies not as disrespect but as a reflection of how they feel about themselves:
- “When a kid lies, it really just tells us how they feel about themselves in that moment.” (Dr. Becky, 41:00)
Avoid asking questions you already know the answer to, as it sets up kids to lie.
Use “side door” strategies—instead of confronting, share personal stories of your own mistakes or struggles.
Give kids space to recover from shame and use concrete, relatable stories to normalize imperfection.

6. When Your Kid is the Bully

Timestamps: [46:47–56:12]
Labels like “bully” are unhelpful and fix children into negative identities.
Curiosity about what drives the behavior, not approval of it, leads to understanding and real change.
Dr. Becky shares a personal example and offers scripts:
- “You’re not in trouble. I’m on your team. We are going to figure this out.”
Tailor interventions based on your child’s needs and underlying motivations (e.g., desire for attention, feeling left out).
Repair and proactive coaching trump punishment.

7. Perfectionism & Negative Self-Talk in Young Children

Timestamps: [57:41–62:31]
The goal isn’t to eliminate perfectionism or hard traits, but to help kids see them as a “part of me, not all of me.”
Acceptance and validation of a child’s desire to do well sets the foundation for healthy intrinsic motivation.
Acknowledge the usefulness of those traits, then gently introduce the idea of balance and growth.

8. The Inner Critic: Parental Self-Doubt & Shame

Timestamps: [62:46–68:30]
Dr. Becky normalizes the “bad parent” voice, suggesting naming it (“Bertha,” “Heather”) to separate it from your core self.
Practice: Greet this part (“Hi, Bertha”), acknowledge its intentions, and gently ask it to step back.
Changing your relationship with self-critical thoughts—a part of you, not all of you—is at the heart of being a “good inside” parent.

Notable Quotes

“Every part of us needs acceptance before it shifts.” (Dr. Becky, 60:59)
“Curiosity does not mean approval. Curiosity allows you to understand.” (Dr. Becky, 50:18)
“You can’t change the hard. You can change the alone. The thing that makes the hard so hard is the alone.” (Dr. Becky, 25:12)
“Our loudest thought is only our most practiced thought.” (Dr. Becky, 66:57)

Notable Moments & Memorable Analogies

Swimming Analogy: Parental coaching is like teaching a child to swim—age alone doesn’t grant skills; practice and support do. ([32:01])
Front Door vs. Side Door: Approaching shame-inducing issues directly (“front door”) breeds resistance, while gentle self-disclosure (“side door”) opens connection. ([43:38]–[46:35])
“Bertha” the Inner Critic: Playfully externalizing self-criticism helps manage its influence. ([63:52]–[68:30])

Key Timestamps

| Topic | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------|-----------------| | Good Inside Foundations | 07:38–12:21 | | Managing Triggers | 12:33–18:42 | | Bullying & Peer Conflict | 18:42–29:35 | | Sibling Jealousy & Hitting | 30:49–38:30 | | Anxiety & Lying in Older Kids | 38:30–46:35 | | When Your Kid is the Bully | 46:47–56:12 | | Perfectionism & Negative Self-Talk | 57:41–62:31 | | The Inner Critic: Parental Self-Doubt | 62:46–68:30 |

Episode Tone & Takeaways

The atmosphere is warm, candid, and supportive—often humorously self-aware (“If you don’t have that thought [of being a bad parent], you might be a liar!”).
Dr. Becky and Jamie normalize imperfection, emphasize growth over quick fixes, and encourage self-compassion just as much as compassion for children.
Listeners are left with practical tools, a feeling of community, and a reminder that both parents and kids are works in progress—good inside, even when struggling on the outside.

For full access to resources and live coaching, Dr. Becky encourages listeners to explore the Good Inside membership community, and to “take up space” in both parenting and life.

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Transcript

A (0:00)

All right, I'm sharing with you something today that I've never done before. See, one of the things that is probably my favorite thing to do in the world is a live Q and A. That's right. I don't even know the question that is coming to me because that allows me to think on the spot, to just say something that feels casual and connected. And honestly, it just feels like I'm talking to a friend over coffee. Now, I do these live Q and A's frequently in good inside membership. And one of the things I've been hearing from podcast listeners is, okay, I'm into the podcast. What is different about membership? And there's so many different things about it. But one of those things, and it happens to be my personal favorite thing, is these live Q&As. And I thought, hey, why not just release one, let you experience it yourself? Now, I want you to listen for a certain moment because I think it's so easy to think, well, if my question isn't answered, I don't know, should I? Keep listening to me. Parenting is like drinking from a fire hose. It is so hard to look around the corner, and then we're constantly surprised by the next thing. What I hear from parents all the time in Q and A's is the most valuable part of coming to a live Q and A is hearing a question and an answer that they didn't even think to ask, but they immediately know, oh, my goodness, that is something that's helpful to keep top of mind. And so truly, I'm excited for you to have that moment. As you listen now, you'll hear another voice. You'll see another person on this episode. Let me tell you who that is. That is our incredible senior good Inside coach, Coach Jamie. Jamie's been trained in the Good inside method. She works in our membership. She is incredible and has a little bit of her own style, which is amazing because none of us have to do this parenting thing in the exact same way. Jamie's gonna be the one asking me questions. So without further ado, let's jump into it. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this as soon as one of my kids sneezes. I know it's only a matter of days before the whole house is feeling under the weather. With kids at school, they seem to bring home every sniffle and sneeze imaginable. And I've accepted it is just part of parenting. What I don't accept anymore, the frantic 11pm pharmacy runs when everyone's already miserable and all we have is a half used bottle of who knows what from who knows when in the pantry. Now, I make sure to stock up ahead of time. And I always look for Mommy's Bliss. They've been making safe, gentle wellness solutions like their organic baby and cough syrups for more than 25 years. That means an ingredient list you can actually understand. No high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners, and free from the top nine allergens. Their pain and fever medicine is also a staple. It's the first ever clean label project certified acetaminophen and it's safe for infants. Find Mommy's Bliss in store and online at major retailers. Your future self will thank you. Let me just do a little bit of an introduction. Okay? So first of all, our setting is a little different. Wanna. One of the things we love doing at Good Inside is just trying different ideas, often that come from you. So there were a bunch of you who were at some of my live events over the book tour and you said, oh, it was actually really fun. We kind of see you on stage, you answer to the audience. There was something about that that felt less digital. We all want it to feel kind of more engaged. And I was like, okay, why don't I just do a Q and A just like this? And over here, if you do not already know, this is Jamie. She is one of our most senior Good Inside trained parent coaches. To give you a little backstory, Jamie slid into my DMs, like maybe some of you did in 2020. And it was right around the time that Kelly, I don't know if you know her yet, we were just talking about, hey, Good Inside is not just about scripts and strategies. Right? Good Inside is really an approach. There are foundations we can learn. They help our kid grow. I think as adults, the same foundation help us return. That's what we're really doing here. And there are more clinicians and coaches who want to be trained. So we created a training program and Jamie was the first cohort of six. Yeah, six. And it's such an amazing kind of lesson. And right in that Jamie's like, wait, I want to do more of this than even what I'm doing. Why don't I make my needs known? Needs known. And here you are working full time at Good Inside and we couldn't do what we're doing without you. So one thing I want you to know about Jamie and actually about all of our coaches, I actually want to know in Chat. Do you know that every single weekday now, I'm just gonna be clear. That means Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Okay? Cause I know these things are hard. We have a live session with either Jamie or Julie or Kelly or Anna sometimes, right? With different highly trained, good inside coaches. So if you've ever thought, oh, I just wish I could ask someone about this and so the rest of my week doesn't spiral into the oblivion that is kind of replaying bad moments in our head, we have that for you humans. There's a small group, there's a human coach. It's every single day. And the other thing we have that I just wanna make sure you know about because it's important you to know. All the resources at your fingertips is kind of almost a different version of that that's also almost the opposite, which is our amazing Ask. This is essentially as close as it gets to texting me or Jamie or Kelly or any of our coaches. Oh, I wish I just could text you. I'm so tired and parenting feels impossible right now. What do I do when I get a call from the my kid hit another child and I know he's gonna lie about it to my face? You can just vomit that to ask. You can even just do it as a voice note and you get a response on the spot. I wanna make sure every single person here is using this. I almost want you to promise me I will use Ask today. And I also wanna make sure you know how to get to those sessions. If you go to the community where it says community, go to these three lines and. And then all you have to do is go to upcoming events. And I think your math will go like this. What? And I think this will probably be the thing you tell friends about. Do you know that in the Good Insight app there's a coach session every day? The value, the monetary, emotional, psychological value of that is just so beyond right. What 20 something dollars a month is. It's huge. And they're amazing. Okay, so on that note, we're gonna jump in to your questions and I just want your mindset for this to be number one. Everything we talk about today, Jamie and I do not do with our own children all the time.

A (9:04)

Right. I felt it. So why did we learn that? Even though I don't think a lot of us even maybe had a parent who said anger is a bad emotion, we. Well, what kids do is when they act out, often out of anger. Right. Maybe Jamie said her kids couldn't watch TV tonight. Or I said, we have to have an early bedtime. They're angry, which is fine. Anger is a feeling that tells you what you want and what you need. That makes sense. My kid feels angry, but they don't have the skill yet to manage the anger. So it comes out as hitting or I hate you then. Often, a lot of us were raised with, go to your room. You can't talk to me like that. What's wrong with you? No dessert tonight. Whatever it was, here's what a kid learns. They don't learn the complicated nuance. Wait, I think my mom is saying, I hate you isn't okay, but anger is. No, that is very sophisticated. What a kid learns isn't, I shouldn't say I hate you. They learn the feeling that led to that behavior was bad. So they learn the feeling was bad. So even just saying to your kid, if you don't know what comes next, even just saying, I won't let you hit it, is okay to feel angry even if you say to your kid, whoa, there's another way you could say that to me. And I get, you're mad. And that makes sense. You are doing something revolutionary. You are helping them see that the anger is okay and the behavior is not. Step two. When we say behavior isn't okay, that doesn't mean it changes right away. Let's think about sports. Let's think about your kid who's not able to make a layup. Or maybe they are able to make a layup, but in a couple games, they miss every layup. Now, you and I know if you're playing basketball, missing lamps isn't okay. It's not desired. But I could say to my kid, missing lamps when they're wide open isn't okay. Still, my kid might miss layups. And I don't think I would then say to myself, oh, the practice isn't working. I think I would say the unfortunate reality is it's gonna take more time. It's just gonna take more time, right? So then I think step two is just knowing when I know my kid's behavior isn't okay. And I'm doing things to help them build the skills. It's still gonna take time for that practice to convert into better behavior. Then the last thing I just wanna say on this is I find it very helpful to just use kind of the formula, I won't let you blank. You can blank. I won't let you hit me. You can hit the pillow. I won't let you scream in my face for a couple minutes straight. You can scream in this room. I'm gonna go get a drink of water, and I'm gonna come back, and we can figure this out. So I just think that's a really concrete thing to think about. I won't let you blank and then giving them. You can blank. I'm not gonna let you say penis, vagina over and over at our family dinner table. It's just not what we do. You can say penis and vagina as many times as you want in the bathroom. Go do that. Maybe I'll join you for the first two. It's a little bit of fun to say penis and vagina over and over. When I get it out of my system, I'll go back to the table. You can come back when it's out of your system, and we'll resume eating at that point.

A (15:19)

And so in that way, this is gonna sound sick, but your triggers at the end of the night, like, I want you to hear my voice being like amazing. And I'm not really saying like amazing job yelling at your kid. Although I yelled at my kid that day too. I'm saying amazing job recognizing that there's this thing that's happening that feels out of proportion because only after recognizing it can we work on it. So let's reflect. My kid is interrupting me constantly. Why does this trigger me? Well, I always think we can look a level deeper. We have to understand why it triggers us to work on it. Here's just one idea, and it's not necessarily right. When my kids interrupting me triggered me, part of what I had to reflect on is like, what is up with my kid that they feel like they have the right to get my attention all the time. Do you know how many times I'm silent when I want to get someone's attention? Who are they to think they can take up space and get their needs met whenever they want? And there is a gap. I think a lot of us almost sometimes feel like I don't even know what my needs are. And then we have a kid who's like, I know what my needs are, and I'm going to let you know every single second. Even if it's like, can you throw out the wrapper for me? And I'm like, you are literally the person next to the garbage can. Right? But I think just having a little humor about that helps us cause, like, okay, one of the reasons it triggers me might not just be cut because my kid's annoying, but because there's something in this that I am, like, dissociated from, have learned to shut down. And so the first thing I would tell this parent is, what is your experiment? Or you can quasi interrupt someone. And I have a feeling it'll feel like interrupting even when it's not. For example, I'm gonna email the teacher and say, I don't know the time of the play next week. It feels like interrupting. I'm just asking a question. But that's bold for me because usually I'd say, I don't know, I'm just gonna wait. I'm sure they're gonna send an email. I don't wanna annoy the administration. I bet the day you email the teacher to get your own need met, your kids interrupting will definitely still be annoying, but it won't be as triggering. And the last thing I just wanna say very concretely is the things that trigger us if we talk about them in advance with our kids, it really takes some of the power out of it. Hey, one of the things I want you to know is sometimes it's hard for me to stay calm when you're interrupting constantly. Can you throw the wrapper away? So two things. There are moments when I'm gonna ask you to be a little bit more patient. Patience is annoying, and it's hard. And it kind of looks like doing this. It's hard, but I can wait. It's hard, but I can wait. And at the same time, if I ever go like this to you, that means I need a little bit of time. And that is me trying to stay calm even when you knew me. And then now that I've previewed it, I've even put in my head something I Can do. That's in between withdrawing and yelling. It's simple. And it doesn't mean the first time I do this, my kid's not like, oh, my goodness, mom, that's your signal. I'll just wait over here for eight minutes. No, but again, we're talking about a journey. We all wanna get from here to here immediately. And then we don't. We're like, this isn't working. No. No one gets from not swimming to swimming overnight. Right. It takes years. I think we have to be even more patient with the journey we want to be on, which is being more calm and regulated. And so each little step, it's not the whole outcome, it's not the whole thing, but it really matters. Wow.

A (21:37)

And I love that you said that it looks different as an adult, but the circuitry is the same and it feels the same. Right. And so these moments, like, when I hear about these moments happening in a family, I do get, like, a little bit of this. Like, oh, like, I hope every parent has this moment. Like, I wish for parents to have this moment, not because I wish bad things for their children, but because what an amazing opportunity we have if you're long term greedy in your mindset, which again, nobody who starts at good inside is immediately like, sure, that's how I am. But again, when we build that mindset, these moments happen. And instead of thinking like, oh, no. We're like, oh, yes. Like, I am built for this. It's like the pilot who's ready for turbulence and then feels like a million bucks after because they know they handled it well. And so this is one of those moments. Okay, so then what I Think about first is just stay with your kid. And I think about that literally, emotionally. I know for me, I do have the urge to either run away, make it better. I'm running away from my kid emotionally. Go attack the other kid. I'm moving away from my kid as the protagonist to the other kid as the protagonist. Or, like, get up and call the school right away or the parent. And again, now I've literally, like, left my child alone on the bench or on the couch, wherever they are. And so I just think that's powerful. Stay with my kid. It's such a simple term and it accomplishes so much. And we all think in a rigid way naturally. So it's like, oh, so I shouldn't call the school? Not even saying that there are situations where we should call the school. But as step one, my kid is saying, I had a difficult emotional experience. And I just want you to hear and keep in the back in your head, stay with my kid. And if you're like, but what does that sound like? It might sound like nothing. It might sound like this for the first five seconds, I think one line that everyone knows I love. Do you know what I'm going to say?

A (26:33)

Huge. And you can even say this to your kid in kind of a fun way. Hey, I'm gonna teach you something that a lot of adults don't even know. But you're a really smart kid, so I think you're gonna get it. When you're in a situation where someone says something mean to you, most people, even people my age, My ancient dinosaur age think that it's about what you say back to them. It's not. Which is also so relieving. Now as a kid, I'm not like, good, well, I'm glad that in the moment I feel shitty about myself. I don't have to think of something smart to say. Cause that's kind of impossible anyway. You can say it's all about what you say to yourself. Because honestly, if you think about it, you are feeling okay about yourself. Bobby said this thing and it's like it got into you and it's like, oh, let's think about how you can regain your self worth. And then you can teach your kid to say, I don't have to believe what other people say about me. I know who I am. Or maybe your kid is a bad runner and there's something powerful in saying I can be bad at running and still be a fun, awesome kid. Again, your kid's not gonna say to you, I needed that. That is so profound. You've just taught me a life skill. No, they're gonna go like this in response. That's weird. That's weird. Don't take the bait. They can think it's weird. I promise you it's powerful. And then the next part after that is, is this a situation where I say something? It may and it may not be, you know yourself, you know your family. There are so many situations and it might be this where I might say I should just not. I'm not gonna escalate this. Let me wait. I think waiting is an underutilized strategy. Or it might be saying something. And if you do say something to meet, it could be a text, it could be a call. Again, I think a parent kind of can feel that out, but I think the words can still be same team. Hey, I wanna let you know something that happened on the playground. The truth is, I only have my kid's side of the story. There probably is more. But I know we both have good kids and I just thought you might want to know. And I'm also totally open to hearing more about the situation, you know, as you discover it. And so again, it's like me and a parent, we both want to raise good kids, we both want kids to get along. I'm going to go in with that assumption rather than going in with like, I've got to get back at this parent or I've got to make this parent or the other kid the enemy right away.

A (34:04)

I get it 100%. Like, I don't want hitting. You don't want hitting. I think people might think, I see my kid hitting, and I'm like, so beautiful. Let it out. I love it. No, no one wants their kid to hit. And at the same time, hitting is a very developmentally appropriate way of kids kind of saying, I have anger or I have jealousy or I have frustration or. And this is important. And in our book that's My Truck, which is the good inside new children's book about hitting. I think one of my favorite parts of that book, which actually would be really good for this situation to read, because you can see it in a story, is showing the parent and the kid before the moment of hitting. Not only was there anger, but there probably was also worry. Yeah. There's always more vulnerable emotions. Worry, sadness, confusion. They bubble up. They come out in a hit. Okay. In general, when our kid has bad behavior, step one is saying, okay, can I have my good inside glasses on? Can I even not know? Cause we don't know. Can I wonder? That's really important. I actually want people to write that down. My kid has bad behavior. I'm not gonna know what this is about. Can I just wonder what it's about? Or can I wonder what was happening before? Or can I wonder about the dynamics in our house that might be at play? I have a baby who's 11 months. That is not true. I do not. I'm just getting into the role play. Okay, you do not miss any breaking news. I have a baby who's 11 months. What might be happening then? More movement. They're becoming more of a person. I always think with an older kid, every month, you should have a little meeting with your older kid where you're previewing the next stage. What's it gonna be like when your sister starts being able to crawl? What if you build that block tower, and now instead of it being up, your sister, like, crawls over and knocks it down? Oh, that would be so annoying. What is it gonna be like when your sister's about to walk? Cause that's about to happen. Do you think everyone around us is gonna be like, oh, my goodness, Selena's walking amazing. And you're gonna be like, I've been walking for years. It's like, a little annoying. People care about that. Just that can speak to the feeling of jealousy, of confusion, of not being special. Speaking to a dynamic that might be happening, I think is one of our best strategies to reduce the behavior. When the behavior, again, is just a sign that those feelings were too big to manage. So that's step one, I think, in general, any behavior in a calm moment, not in the moment, in a calm moment. Can I speak to about kind of, can I speak to a dynamic that might be happening? So that comes to mind here. Step two. If I know my kid hits and they're in a hitting stage, we have to move from why are they hitting? When will they stop? To how can I get ahead of it and stop it before it happens? Because as soon as my kid hits, it's like, now they're hitting. Now they feel like a bad kid. Now I'm frustrated. It's like, oh, the whole thing happened right where again, and this is gonna sound extreme, but if I said my kid has a problem running into the street of New York City, I can't imagine if I was saying to you, so, Jamie, after he runs into the street, what should I do? Like, what would you say to me?

A (43:39)

They already know. And so we talk a lot about with deeply feeling kids, this idea of side door strategies, right? Which is like, okay, my kid is late, or my kid didn't do their homework. I need to find a side door to, like, enter their house. And I think in a side door way, we go around the shame. And there is nothing that's as effective in those moments as telling a story about yourself. Because what you're doing is without saying it directly. Cause again, it would be too front door to say, I've been late too. It's just like what you're saying is this thing that you're going through, you're not the only one. But saying that is too direct. You're not such a bad person after all. Too direct. When I kind of say, just through a story, through an arc, I've been there too. But you have to do it through a story. Not directly. Shame goes down. Because what is shame? It's the fear of disconnection. It's kind of the fear of this version of me is not connectable and lovable to other people. And we only feel like that because we feel like we're the only one. As soon as you hear I was fired from my job and you hear someone say, I was Fired from my job. You're like, why do I feel better? I actually don't wish firing on you, but now I just know I can't be so bad. And this isn't so unrecoverable because you've been there too. So let's get back to the lying. There's stuff we can do in the moment. There's so many things we do outside the moment that make those moments less frequently in the moment. When a kid's lying to your face, don't ask them a question. Don't ask your kid a question that you know the answer to. Did you do your math homework? You're like, I already know you didn't do your math homework. It's like a setup that you're catching your kid being bad. First of all, you can avoid being lied to by just telling your kid, I see you didn't do your math homework. All good. Let's figure it out and we'll get through this together. You don't even get in the situation where you have to get out of a lie now. If there is a lie, one of the things you can just say in the moment is just, you know what? One second. Something about this moment doesn't feel good. Let's talk about it later. You actually have to pause when there's shame and give a little bit of time. And then I think one of the most powerful things you can do for your kid in terms of a story is, let's say it's about always lying about brushing your teeth in a calm moment, not even at night. I would just say, do you know that I hated brushing my teeth as a kid? Or it doesn't have to be even so direct. Do you know that I. I hated clearing the table as a kid? And my parent would always say, did you clear the table? And I'd say, yep, clear the table. And then they do this thing where they'd say, but your plate is right there. And I'd say, oh, that's not my plate. Even if I was the only kid, I would, why do you think I did that? And again, your kid isn't gonna say to you, I think you did that because you felt ashamed and you didn't wanna get caught in the lie. And that's why I lie about toothbrushing. No, you're gonna say, why do you think I did that? And your kid's gonna say, I don't know. Can I have pretzels? Don't doubt the power of the question and of that story to decrease lying. In the future.

A (50:18)

It doesn't even make sense. I'd be like, you're just establishing yourself as someone I don't wanna be friends with. I'm glad we got to that now. Like, that just is nonsensical. So I actually want everyone to, like, write this down. Curiosity does not mean approval. Curiosity allows you to understand. Understanding also does not mean approval. In fact, the only way we can improve behavior is by understanding it. Because, again, behavior isn't the problem. It's a symptom of whatever the problem is. And so, again, because problems manifest as behavior, but problems are actually about emotions. We have to be curious and understand to get to the source, right? It's kind of like, again, the leak in the ceiling is not our problem. It's that the pipe is bursting, right? So we have to be curious So I was thinking this is some work we have to do on our own and everyone knows their kid the best. So if I think about my kid, where this really happened last week, first of all, this event happened on a day. My daughter wasn't on the bus with him. And I just know he's a little more contained. They talk to each other, okay, so what do I know about my kid? This kid, he likes to be the center of attention. You know what kid I'm talking about. He gets a lot of positive affirmation from people. He's a leader. I picture him on the bus and I think this happens a lot on the bus. And it is why so many kids hate sitting on the inside. They hate it because when you're on the inside or when you're on the bus, it's like, am I invisible? Does anyone notice me? Do I matter? And if you have a kid who has gotten a lot of feedback that they matter and they're visible by being a larger than life presence, then their way of getting visibility and feeling importance on the bus might be to escalate and say some mean things. Why did you say that? Why are you saying that now? It doesn't feel good, but it's like, oh, here I am. I have everyone's attention now. What is the real issue here? I can tell you, in this situation with my son, the real issue isn't just saying the words. The real issue, long term greediness, is my son has to learn that he is a good, valuable person even when he's not the center of attention. That might come out as a behavior, as mean words now, but that will play out in all types of other toxic ways when he's older. And so everyone's is different again, for someone else, they might say, that is so not my kid. Maybe my kid really prides himself on their athletic abilities. So when they're told you're not the best soccer player in the grade. Oh, okay. So actually the dynamic there that I could wonder about more big picture than this moment again, is, ooh, I have to work on helping my kid know that their soccer talent is a part of them and not all of them. And then honestly, the interventions are going to look a little bit different. Based on those wondering again, I have to plug the ask. Because if you go to the ask or go to the parent session and say, okay, my kid bullied, but, but this is not a one size fits all approach. Here's what I know about my kid. They pride themselves in their soccer skills. They like to Be the center of attention. Okay, you can just say that and then the response is going to be tailored to your kid. This is why it's not one thing. So for my kid, what did I do? The first thing I did was tell my kid. I talked to person's name mom. I heard about what happened in the bus. And this is a helpful phrase. I just wanna say, okay, you're not in trouble. I'm on your team. We are going to figure this out. You have to say that to your kid. Why are they in trouble? They are giving you data about something long term they need to work on Again, I'm not throwing my kid a party, but this is what I'm made for. And if you feel like you're not made for that, that's why you're here. And again, I hope you give yourself more time. You are made for this as well. We just all have to learn the skills to get there. My best parenting moment with my son was this first conversation and the things that have happened after. Like this is. This is what we're built for. Impact, long term stuff, right? So we talked about being without his sister. He was even able to say to me, I can be a little out of control when she's not there, right? And he even shared with me, which was amazing. More things he said than were even reported to me. I said, okay, so here's what we're gonna plan for. We kind of visualized the bus. We even talked about how he. He likes making football plays. He loves that. The next day, I made sure to pack the football playbook with this. We talked about a kid on the bus. I said, does any kid on your bus look like this on the bus? Just reading my little book. Pretty quiet. And he named the girl, okay. There was a girl on his bus. And I said, okay, let's call that girl. I don't know. Jamie. I was like, we all have a Jamie in us. I bet she has you in her too. So what would it look like? Show me with your body to be Jamie on the bus. He's like, well, I guess I get out my football book, I open it up. What would you have to say to yourself in that moment to get over the fact that nobody's noticing you? Oh, what could you know is gonna happen when you get home? Now look, I know you're like, this is a lot of steps, but this is the stuff. This is what a coach does. Why aren't you making the layup? Let's figure it out. Let's think about what you're saying to yourself. Let's think about first where to put it on the backboard and then does it mean the next day he's never gonna say something? I don't know. We also talked about repairing, but I think the key thing is I don't have a bully. I can figure this out. And if I can't figure it out, that doesn't mean I should just do the thing that feels most natural. Yell at my kid and punish him. Only reinforces he's a bad kid. You all have invested in something that I hope you keep with you for your whole parenting journey. Knowing I don't have to spiral. There are so many things I can do to actually make this my best parenting moment, not my worst.

A (57:53)

Great. So this actually again touches on so many things we've talked about. I love this idea. Blank is a part of me, not all of me. Right? My desire to be the center of attention is a part of me, not all of me. My anger is a part of me, not all of me. Even this, my perfectionism is a part of me, not all of me. Perfectionism, when it's apart, it can actually work for a lot of people. I mean, sometimes one of my kids, I'm like, hello, A little more perfectionism. A little, Just a little. You could do a little bit more in that homework. You could try the bonus problem. You could look it over. It's helpful when it's apart. What does it come from? I want to work hard. I want to figure things out. When does it become toxic? If I'm not perfect, I'm nobody. If I can't get it right, I won't even try. But we have to zoom out and say again, the problem isn't actually perfectionism. It's that this part has taken up too much space. The problem isn't the anger. I want my kid to be angry. It's just that my kid is anger without skills. So the anger has taken up all of it. This mindset again, you're not pre programmed with this, right? This is what we're all learning and practicing. This mindset then almost would naturally lead into a slightly different intervention. Our parts, our kids parts, our parts. They like to be acknowledged for their usefulness before we help loosen them. This is just true, right? Even I'm in bed, I don't want to go to the gym. If I say to myself, I appreciate that, part of me is looking to get more rest and to give myself a break. That's really helpful, thank you. And I promised myself I'd get there. And I know I can do it. Even as this other part of me tells me to stay in bed. Beyond more effective than what's wrong with me. I'm so lazy. Cause what you're kind of saying to that part of you who wants to rest is you don't matter. Guess what? When you tell someone they don't matter, they get louder. They're like, hello. It was like my son on the bus, hello. I matter. So I'm gonna do something in an escalated way. So how does this come here? First thing I would say to your kid, if they have some type of perfectionistic part, is I would just say to them in a calm moment, not when they're doing their math homework or trying to draw a perfect rainbow, you know, What I don't say to you enough, there's this part of you. And seed that idea. You're preloading it. Even by saying there's a part of you, you're kind of giving them this idea that it's a part of them, but not all of them. There's this part of you that wants to get things exactly right. And I know sometimes I say, loosen up, but that's probably a little annoying. And honestly, the part of you that wants to get things right and do things to their fullest, that's really cool. That's really cool. You really care, and you really believe in yourself and you believe in your ability to figure it out. And I don't say this enough. I love that part of you.

A (70:19)

Okay, I just wanna. I'm just gonna be your cheerleader for a second. Okay. And yours too. Like, we just spent time reflecting and learning and committing to something. And I'm just gonna say this. That probably won't show up as evidence of our success until weeks, months from now. That is what it means to be a human. That is what it means to get out of this. This instant gratification world. That only makes us more miserable. To say, I am becoming something. I am on a path. The path is swervy. The path does not go from one moment to immediate success. But I trust this path, and really, I trust myself. That's amazing. That is amazing. Cause also you're building self worth and self trust from what it feels like on the inside to be in a process, not just by something on the outside that's happening in the moment. I will tell you that is everything and you are on that path. And I want you to give yourself credit and I want you to write something down right now or tell yourself something hyperbolic. I am pretty freaking amazing. I am the best. I am doing it. I am here. I'm surrounded by other people. This is it. It doesn't get better than this. Except for the next time you come back. So you are incredible. You are exactly the type of people who give me so much confidence and hope that we really are moving these ideas around the world and changing the next generation as we become more and more like ourselves. So please spread the word, please come back, please give us feedback, please talk, please take up space. So honored to be on this path with you and with Jamie. I hope you heard a couple things that really hit home today. And I really hope you had a moment of. Oh, I wouldn't have thought to ask that question but honestly, that is just so helpful and empowering and confidence building. To know if you liked this episode and our podcast in general, please do take a moment to rate and review it. That really means so much. And if you want to learn more about membership and what's inside, please just check out the link in show Notes or go to goodinside.com, it's all there for you. So let's end the way we always do. Let's put our feet on the ground, place a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. Thank you to our sponsors, Airbnb, Chomps and Mommy's Bliss for sponsoring this episode.