How to Not Raise an @$$h0le - Part 2

Summary

Podcast Summary: "How to Not Raise an @$$h0le - Part 2"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
• Host/Author: Dr. Becky Kennedy
• Episode: How to Not Raise an @$$h0le - Part 2
• Release Date: November 19, 2024
• Description: In this episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy delves deeper into understanding and preventing entitlement in children. She provides actionable strategies and insightful perspectives to help parents cultivate resilience and groundedness in their kids.

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Introduction: Addressing the Taboo of Entitlement

Dr. Becky Kennedy opens the episode by confronting a sensitive topic in parenting—entitlement. She admits feeling nervous about using the term, acknowledging its negative connotations and the discomfort it brings to many parents.

Dr. Becky (00:09): "Entitlement. There, I said it. I was almost nervous to say that word. I think it's the dirty word in parenting that we all kind of cringe."

She emphasizes that entitlement often reflects a child's inability to cope with life's inherent challenges and the misconception that the world exists solely for their pleasure. Dr. Becky asserts that parents have the agency to influence this outcome positively.

Understanding Entitlement: Beyond Materialism

Dr. Becky defines entitlement not merely as a desire for material possessions but as the "intolerance of uncomfortable feelings" and a "fear of frustration."

Dr. Becky (02:51): "I believe that entitlement is kind of the intolerance of uncomfortable feelings, or said another way, the fear of frustration."

She explains that when children exhibit entitlement—such as throwing tantrums over not getting a new toy or insisting on frequent indulgences—they are expressing deeper emotional struggles. This behavior signals a vulnerability and a lack of coping mechanisms for dealing with disappointment and boredom.

The Root Cause: Avoiding Frustration

Dr. Becky identifies a crucial pattern contributing to entitlement: parents frequently resolve their children's immediate discomfort by removing frustrating situations rather than allowing them to navigate these feelings independently.

Dr. Becky (07:15): "When our kids are young, our short term solutions to solve their frustration lead to the long term problem of entitlement."

Using relatable examples, like avoiding waiting in lines or skipping errands that feel inconvenient for the child, she illustrates how these actions inadvertently teach children that their discomfort must be alleviated immediately, fostering a sense of entitlement.

Practical Strategies to Avoid Entitlement

Dr. Becky offers concrete strategies for parents to help their children develop resilience and reduce entitlement:

1. Expose Kids to Unpleasant Situations:

   • Example: Involving children in errands they find boring or uncomfortable, such as going to the grocery store or visiting the tailor.

   Dr. Becky (12:30): "You're going to come with me to the grocery store because I believe you can do things that are boring."

2. Consistent Patterns Over Time:

   • Emphasizes the importance of consistent behavior rather than occasional interventions. Long-term patterns shape children's ability to handle frustration.

3. Balanced Approach:

   • Balancing moments where parents make things easy for their children with instances that require the child to manage inconvenience or boredom.

4. Modeling Resilience:

   • Parents should model how to cope with frustration and disappointment, demonstrating that these feelings are manageable and part of everyday life.

Parental Reflections: Acknowledging Challenges

Dr. Becky shares her personal reflections, admitting that even she sometimes prioritizes short-term comfort over long-term resilience for her children. She encourages parents to recognize these moments without self-judgment and to take small, manageable steps toward fostering resilience.

Dr. Becky (11:19): "I'm like, oh, boy, oh boy. Let me be honest with myself. In the last month, I have really prioritized my kids short term comfort and the avoidance of meltdowns and whining over long term avoidance of entitlement."

She stresses the importance of being "long term greedy," choosing actions that benefit children's future emotional well-being over immediate ease.

Empathy for Entitled Behavior

Dr. Becky highlights the underlying vulnerability behind what parents perceive as entitled behavior in older children. She empathizes with teenagers who may exhibit entitlement as a manifestation of their struggles with unmanageable emotions.

Dr. Becky (16:40): "Underneath the entitled behavior, I saw a really vulnerable 16 year old who had no more coping skills for something that was boring and frustrating than they did when they were one or two."

By understanding this vulnerability, parents can approach entitlement with compassion, helping children build the necessary skills to handle life's challenges.

Conclusion: Building Resilient and Confident Children

Dr. Becky wraps up the episode by reiterating that avoiding entitlement is not about occasional actions but about establishing consistent patterns that foster resilience, confidence, and capability in children.

Dr. Becky (18:00): "There is a road away from entitlement. It's not what we do one or two times. And it also doesn't mean, by the way, when you make your kid's life easy here and there, oh, I messed it all up. Of course not. It's all about balance and overall patterns."

She encourages parents to implement the discussed strategies thoughtfully and consistently to ensure their children grow into resilient, confident, and grounded individuals.

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Key Takeaways:

• Define Entitlement Beyond Materialism: Understand that entitlement stems from an inability to handle frustration and uncomfortable feelings.
• Consistent Exposure to Discomfort: Regularly involve children in activities that may be boring or frustrating to build their resilience.
• Model Coping Mechanisms: Demonstrate how to manage and overcome frustrating situations.
• Empathy and Compassion: Recognize the vulnerability behind entitled behavior and address it with understanding.
• Long-Term Focus: Prioritize actions that promote long-term emotional well-being over short-term ease.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Becky (00:09): "Entitlement. There, I said it. I was almost nervous to say that word."
• Dr. Becky (02:51): "I believe that entitlement is kind of the intolerance of uncomfortable feelings, or said another way, the fear of frustration."
• Dr. Becky (11:19): "I'm not an awful parent. No. Huh. Is there some small step I can take that would make me say that's manageable?"
• Dr. Becky (16:40): "Underneath the entitled behavior, I saw a really vulnerable 16 year old who had no more coping skills for something that was boring and frustrating than they did when they were one or two."
• Dr. Becky (18:00): "There is a road away from entitlement. It's not what we do one or two times."

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This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for parents aiming to raise resilient and grounded children. Dr. Becky Kennedy provides valuable insights and practical strategies to help parents navigate the challenges of preventing entitlement, fostering a healthier and more empowered family dynamic.

Transcript

[Dr. Becky]

Entitlement. There, I said it. I was almost nervous to say that word. I think it's the dirty word in parenting that we all kind of cringe. I can't even tell you how often I hear parents say, Dr. Becky, just how do I not have an entitled kid? Please, Anything but that. Because I think we see this image of a kid who becomes older and doesn't really understand how to operate in the world. Kind of doesn't understand that the world is not for their pleasure, that the world is hard. The world has bumps that no one's coming to smooth over those bumps for you. It's about stepping over them, figuring out how to manage it. And when I think about how much fear we have around this outcome, it makes me come back to my very practical, hopeful sense where I think, okay, wait, every parent I know wants to avoid having entitled kids. Okay, well, I'm pretty sure we can do better than, like, crossing our fingers and just saying, like, oh, I hope. I hope that doesn't happen. I believe we have agency here. And so what I want to talk about today is what we can be doing day to day, week to week, month to month to make sure we don't raise kids who are entitled. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. We'll be back right after this.

[Parent]

So when I talk to parents, there is often huge variety and kind of the top quality they wish for in their kid. Some people say confident, some people say caring, some people say bold. And there's almost universal agreement in the number one quality. Parents don't want their kids to have entitlement. Over and over I have parents asking me, are there things I can do now so that my kid doesn't become entitled later on? And the truth is, there are. And so I wanted to put all of my thoughts down in one place, and I created something brand new, a How to Avoid Entitlement guide. It's all practical strategies and specific scripts you can use so you know your kids are building the skills they need and that they are going to avoid that entitled outcome. It's available within membership, so if you're already a member, just search Avoid Entitlement within our member library. Or if you're not yet a member and want to check it out, check the link in the show notes.

[Dr. Becky]

Okay, let's talk about entitlement and how to make sure we're not raising an entitled kid. Well, let's first define entitlement, because the truth is we can't intervene before we understand something if we're trying to avoid a certain outcome, we have to deeply understand what that outcome is, or else we're just going to try random things and probably not be that effective. Here's my take. I don't think entitlement is actually about materialism or money. I know we all picture scenarios that way. My kid is in Sephora and they feel entitled to some skin product that even I wouldn't buy for myself, right? Oh, my kid has no idea how hard I have to work to put food on the table and they just want to go out for ice cream every night. So it's not that money and materialism isn't a main way that entitlement kind of gets manifested, but it's actually not the core problem. I believe that entitlement is kind of the intolerance of uncomfortable feelings, or said another way, the fear of frustration. Now I'm going to pause because I think you might be thinking, wait, what is this about entitlement? Like, that seems like the weirdest, most disconnected thing. You're telling me, my kid who's melting down, that I won't get them a new Lego set. This is about feelings and frustration and fear. Like, what in the world? But. But stay with me because I think this framework is going to make sense to you and I think it'll actually make you feel more hopeful about the power you have as a parent to help your kid develop gratitude and groundedness and not entitlement kids who appear entitled the meltdown about the Lego, the why can't we go out for ice cream every night? In a way, what they're saying is, I am not getting something I want. And instead of just being upset, I kind of feel like I shouldn't have to feel this way. That's really the charge of entitlement. It's not like, what, I can't go to ice cream, it's, you need to take me to ice cream. What? I can't get the Lego. I'm so upset. Everyone else has Legos. You're the worst dad in the world. There's this, like, indignance. I shouldn't have to be the kid who doesn't get Legos. I shouldn't have to want ice cream and not get ice cream. How dare you? That's really what's happening. And if we really fast forward and we think about someone who is like, cutting the line at a grocery store, right? And this is a funny example, because I remember years ago being on the express line and everyone was in line, all just a few items, and this guy Was kind of going up to everyone in line and saying, I'm sorry, I'm just in a rush and I only have a few things. I was like, that's literally why we're all in line. We all have a few things, right? That's literally why we're in the under 10 items line. We are all in the same boat. And in a way there was this real charge of entitlement, like I shouldn't have to wait in line. And so that to me isn't about money. That's actually about someone being in line as an adult and probably saying this to themselves at first. This sucks. I have to wait. Now, zooming out. You know how many people I know like to wait in line? I think it's like a zero. You know how many people like traffic? I'd also probably put that at a zero. Nobody likes things that are annoying. But over time, we've either learned to deal with things that are annoying because we've just been through them and no one's rescued us from them, or we have a pattern in childhood where every time we're annoyed or frustrated or kind of have to wait in line, not get something we want, people quote, solve that for us. I'm gonna put solve in quotes because the irony is the short term solution to solving frustration is the single biggest cause of the problem of entitlement. I want to say that again. When our kids are young, our short term solutions to solve their frustration lead to the long term problem of entitlement. Because what our kids are really learning, and let's paint this picture, you have to go to the grocery store, your kid is, I'm making this up, five. And let's say you have someone at home. Maybe it's your partner, maybe it's a babysitter, it's a grandma, Whoever it is at your house and you say to your 5 year old, we've got to stop at the store before we go home. Maybe it's even your 10 year old. And your kid says, what? I don't want to go to the store. Can you just drop me off? Okay, now let me be clear. Would I sometimes drop my kid off? Of course I would. But this is just an example of whether something like this is a pattern. And I think you're gonna get it. So let's go through it and let's say I say to my kid, not once, but kind of over and over, okay, sure, fine, we'll go, you know, I'll drop you off versus I say to my kid, in those Types of situations more often than not. Maybe not a hundred percent of the time, but some percentage, sweetie, know you're gonna come with me. And you're right. Like, it is Saturday afternoon. The grocery store is going to be busy and we will have to wait in line. And nobody likes waiting in line. It's going to kind of be boring. But my kid goes to the grocery store with me. Knowing kids, they're probably going to be annoyed. They're not going to say, you're right, this is good for me. Long term. They're going to say like, oh, mom, this is so annoying. Why do I have to do this? But we have to get through that. Well, let's think about the circuitry we're building when our kids are young, when I constantly bring my kid home. And I'll just give other examples of that. No, you don't have to go to your sister's soccer game. You instead can have a play date. Oh, we don't have to take the subway. You're right, because the subway has a line. Instead, we'll just jump in a car right away. Right? None of these individually are bad, but let's just say that's the pattern. What is my kid's body learning? Whenever I feel frustration, annoyance, boringness come up, there is a quick exit ramp to something more enjoyable. Not only that, but when I seem upset about doing something kind of mundane, my adult rescues me from it and brings me into ease and comfort and personal satisfaction versus I feel frustrated, annoyed, boring. And my adult tolerates that with me. My adult doesn't exit me from that tunnel. They kind of ensure I stay in the tunnel. Eventually I get out of the tunnel, but boy, do I walk through that tunnel. And you know what the tunnel is waiting in line at the grocery store. This is what makes for more likelihood to have entitlement versus less likelihood to have entitlement.

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[Dr. Becky]

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[Dr. Becky]

And so let's bring this back to the very, very practical of our day to day lives. Number one, this is the point where me too. Let me just be clear. I can talk a good game on this podcast. Okay. Me too. I'm like, oh, boy, oh boy. Let me be honest with myself. In the last month, I have really prioritized my kids short term comfort and the avoidance of meltdowns and whining over long term avoidance of entitlement. And this is where we tell ourselves a story. Oh, so I'm an awful parent. Oh, so I messed up my kid forever. So I'm just gonna have an entitled kid? No, let's just like notice how quickly that comes up for me too. And just say, hello, I'm gonna put you to the side because there's another voice there that might be saying, wait, something about this resonates. I don't have to judge myself for it. I don't have to blame. I don't have to kind of fast forward into the future and feel like this is going to be my awful kid forever. I'm not an awful parent. No. Huh. Is there some small step I can take that would make me say that's manageable? I could do that. Not. Oh, that feels too big. Just some small step that would make me say I could do that maybe even today. What might that be? Okay, can I take my kid on an errand? That's something I need to do that is actually no fun for them. Now, I know you may be thinking, Dr. Becky, do you not like children? Like, are you trying to torture them? No. I love children. I love parents too. But I am very long term greedy with my own kids. And if I just had to put it out there for your kids, I feel long term greedy for your kids. If I had to choose between interventions that maximize kind of happiness and ease today or maximize long term avoidance of entitlement and long term resilience tomorrow, you better bet every time I'm going to choose that ladder bucket. Okay, so let's say that errand is like, you have to go to Home Depot or something. That maybe your kid is uninterested in Home Depot. You have to go to the dry cleaner. Ooh, I have a good one. I've actually never done this. I have to get, and this is true for me, I have to get three pairs of pants tailored. If you don't know this about me, I'm very short, so no pants fit me. That's not that fun. Whenever I go to the tailor like, there's always someone there before me. I have to wait. I then have to like, actually do them. There's zero part of that experience that any of my children would enjoy. That might be a really good experiment. Hey, tomorrow, you know how you have a playdate and we're going to be walking you? Before we get there, I actually have to stop at the tailor. Okay, I'm going to say this and I'm going to brace myself. Let me be clear, because my kid will not say, oh, no problem, like, you're doing the playdate for me, I'll do the tailor for you. Fair? Fair. That makes sense. Of course not. They're going to say, oh, really? Can you just like go to the tailor another time? Wait, what? But like, the tailor's kind of the other direction. So like, why don't you do that and then come pick me up and then go to the play date? And this is where, and I have to be honest, maybe this is not where I'd start if I've never done this, but my kids are kind of used to this by now, right? So this is when I would say, and I want to be clear, I'd say this directly to my kid. Listen, sweetie. No, we're going to go to the Taylor together and you're going to wait. And I just want to tell you right now, I'm not going to give you my iPhone during it. You could bring a book if you want. Totally fine. But I'm not going to give you my iPhone. Just want to let you know that upfront. It's just really important that as we structure our family's lives, that we balance the times. I'm doing things for you and you're at times doing things that are convenient for making the family work. And this is like one of those times. And this is great, okay, because when your kid says, but that's gonna be so boring, this is when you can say, you're totally right. Like, I mean that it will be boring. This is probably going to be the least fun part of your Saturday. And I know you're a capable kid who can get through boring things. Because when I think about in my private practice, when I'd see parents of 16 year olds, 20 year olds, you know, a lot older kids who they were saying, Dr. Becky, my kids behavior is so entitled. Like, I need to get a handle on this. I actually noticed that these older kids, even though the behavior they described felt so, I mean, this despicable to the parent, I felt so much empathy for the kid. And I know what you're thinking. You felt empathy for a 16 year old with incredibly entitled behavior. I really did. Because underneath the entitled behavior, I saw a really vulnerable 16 year old who had no more coping skills for something that was boring and frustrating than they did when they were one or two. And I kind of thought, like, how vulnerable to go about the world with such a narrow range of capability. I feel capable and confident when I'm doing something for my own pleasure, when I do something easy, when I'm always at the front of the line. But in almost any area of life, which by the way, as we get older is most areas of life, I feel like it's like there's like a nakedness. There's like, I literally am not built for this. I was not built for the real world. And then the behavior looks so awful and embarrassing to a parent, but the actual core is so vulnerable. And so when I think about saying to kids, you're going to come with me to the grocery store because I believe you can do things that are boring, it sounds so silly. But if we don't believe that our kids can tolerate frustration, disappointment, being last, being bored, they grow up believing they are not capable of getting through those very human, completely unavoidable feelings. I hope that this brought some insight into the idea of entitlement and avoiding entitlement. Because I've never heard so much kind of uniformity, if you will, about the thing parents don't want for their kids. And yet to me, knowing where you don't want to go, but not knowing a road to be on, that ensures you avoid that kind of outcome, that to me feels awful. As a parent, If I know I don't want to drive to a certain city, when I get in my car, I'm going to make sure I'm not on the road to that city. That would be awful. I don't want to drive to city X. Oh, I didn't even know. But I was on the road to, you know, X the whole time. I want to make sure you know that there is a road away from entitlement. It's not what we do one or two times. And it also doesn't mean, by the way, when you make your kid's life easy here and there, oh, I messed it all up. Of course not. It's all about balance and overall patterns. But these things that we do week after week, this is how we not only will ensure our kids avoid entitlement, we actually ensure that they become resilient and confident and capable. That's the outcome. Besides avoiding entitlement, those are the things we actually want.

[Narrator]

Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com podcast or you could write [e-mail] parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world and you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important, important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's game changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. One last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain Good Inside.

[Dr. Becky]

Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb.