Good Inside with Dr. Becky: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony
Release Date: May 27, 2025
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Dr. John Delony

Introduction

In this compelling episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Becky Kennedy welcomes clinical psychologist Dr. John Delony to explore the evolving landscape of fatherhood. The conversation delves deep into the transition from traditional, utility-focused parenting to a more emotionally connected and resilient approach.

Guest Introduction and Background

Dr. John Delony brings a unique perspective to the discussion, shaped by his upbringing and personal experiences. He shares, “I was raised by a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator… Now that I'm older, I can look back and say I'm doing things very, very different” (03:32). Delony reflects on the limited toolkit his father provided and his commitment to expanding his own parenting tools to foster a healthier parent-child relationship.

The Shift from Traditional to Emotionally Connected Fatherhood

Delony emphasizes the necessity of breaking away from the rigid, problem-solving archetype of fatherhood. He explains, “Yelling and screaming doesn't solve this problem… My goal has shifted to teaching my kids adaptive strategies” (06:00). This shift underscores a move towards fostering emotional intelligence and presence rather than merely addressing immediate issues.

Challenges and Personal Struggles

Opening up about his vulnerabilities, Delony shares his journey through personal and professional turmoil. “I realized I can just opt out. And that's hard, right? But also, you can't opt out” (04:55). His candid admission highlights the internal battles many fathers face in balancing self-awareness with societal expectations.

Modeling Emotional Presence over Fixing Problems

A pivotal moment in the conversation revolves around the importance of being present. Dr. Becky draws a powerful analogy: “If you want them to swim in the ocean, you start in a training pool” (08:43). Delony agrees, illustrating how modeling calm and supportive behavior equips children with the resilience to handle life’s challenges independently.

Handling Apologies and Admitting Fault

Delony addresses the stigma around fathers admitting mistakes. He states, “There's this idea that if my only value is in the answers I give, then being wrong is an existential threat” (14:35). The discussion highlights how overcoming this barrier is crucial for authentic connections and effective parenting.

Raising Resilient Kids: Lessons from Sports

Using his background in coaching, Delony compares parenting to sports training. “When you throw them off the oil rig and say, get back to shore… it's madness” (08:44). He advocates for incremental challenges that build strength and resilience, rather than overwhelming children with insurmountable tasks.

Addressing Toxic Masculinity and Emotional Ownership

The conversation delves into the impact of toxic masculinity on emotional expression. Dr. Becky notes, “This is like one of my… toxic masculinity… they're saying, I'm upset I lost the game, but instead of feeling that, I turn it into who did this to me” (30:05). Delony concurs, emphasizing the importance of validating children’s emotions without assigning blame.

Grieving Unmet Expectations

Delony shares a poignant account of grieving unmet personal and familial expectations. “I had a picture of what life was going to look like… and now it's different” (27:46). This segment underscores the emotional labor involved in adapting to changes and supporting children through their own transitions.

Building Support Systems and Self-Awareness

Highlighting the significance of community and support, Delony advises fathers to cultivate trusted relationships. “Having a group of men in my life that I can call and trust” (32:27). He recounts how these support systems enabled him to recognize his own struggles and seek necessary help.

Final Takeaways and Closing Reflections

As the episode concludes, both Dr. Becky and Dr. Delony reflect on the legacy they wish to leave for their children. Delony articulates his aspirations succinctly: “I want my kids to say, ‘My dad loves me’ and ‘I can always go home’” (36:29). Dr. Becky echoes similar sentiments, emphasizing the importance of unconditional love and support.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Becky Kennedy (00:00): “What fatherhood looks like. Yelling, punishing, frustration, connection, presence, storytelling.”

• Dr. John Delony (03:32): “I'm doing things very, very different. And I can look back at the compass with compassion…”

• Dr. John Delony (14:35): “There's an idea that if my only value is in the answers I give, then being wrong is an existential threat.”

• Dr. Becky Kennedy (08:43): “If you want them to swim in the ocean, you start in a training pool… you teach skills.”

• Dr. John Delony (25:08): “It's my job to help them be the best version of themselves… not to rerun my childhood for me.”

• Dr. Becky Kennedy (28:55): “The first step has to happen. It's grief that's not happening. I'm allowed to be upset.”

Conclusion

This episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky offers profound insights into modern fatherhood, emphasizing emotional presence, resilience, and authentic connections. Dr. John Delony's heartfelt narratives and practical advice provide invaluable guidance for fathers striving to nurture and empower their children in today's complex world.