Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Episode: Navigating the Parent-Grandparent Dynamic
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Date: September 2, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy tackles the often unspoken but deeply emotional dynamics between parents and grandparents. She addresses questions from both sides—how parents manage their feelings about their own parents’ involvement (or lack thereof) in grandchildren’s lives, as well as how grandparents can navigate their desire to be helpful and involved without overstepping boundaries. With empathy and practical guidance, Dr. Becky helps listeners understand intergenerational relationships, process emotional triggers, and have productive, loving conversations.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Emotional Complexity of the Parent-Grandparent Relationship

• Unresolved Childhood Needs:
  Dr. Becky discusses the pain parents can feel watching their own parents behave differently (often more lovingly) with grandchildren than they did with them.
  • “I have the same body today as an adult that I had since I was born. In this body is every memory from difficult moments from my childhood.” (07:35)
• Validation of Resentment:
  Feeling resentment is normal and can signify self-worth—that you believe you deserved warmth and support as a child.
  • “We never resent things we don't want for ourselves. So I just want to start by saying...thank goodness from a self worth perspective that I still think I deserve that.” (11:20)

2. Managing Feelings and Conversations with Parents

• Acknowledge, Validate, and Permit (AVP):
  Dr. Becky introduces her AVP framework for feelings: acknowledging, validating, and permitting emotions as a core part of emotional regulation and processing. (14:00)
• Talking with Your Parent—Be Clear on Your Own Needs:
  Only have emotionally loaded conversations (like confronting a parent about their past behavior) if you are sure you won’t need a particular, validating response.
  • “If that moment is only gonna feel good if my parent says, 'I hear you,' ...then I am leaving myself in an extraordinarily vulnerable position.” (18:30)
• Reparenting Yourself:
  Adults can give themselves the nurturing they did not receive in childhood, though it may never fully replace what was lost.
  • “Will doing that for yourself ever feel as good as...an amazing repair moment with your parent? No...there's a lot in between.” (21:05)

3. Navigating Differences in Parenting Rules and Boundaries

• When Grandparents Break Rules (e.g., Sweets Before Lunch):
  Reflect on why boundary-breaking is especially triggering—often it’s about the deeper message you perceive (e.g., feeling your parenting is disrespected).
  • “The reason anything in the world deeply upsets us...is because we hear some deeper message in the moment.” (28:45)
• Effective vs. Right Approaches:
  Sometimes “doing nothing” is a valid strategy if enforcing a rule isn’t worth the energy or conflict.
• If Action is Needed:
  Approach grandparents as teammates, not adversaries. Be direct and vulnerable, emphasizing partnership in caring for the child.
  • “Hey, I want to talk to you about something...but I’m talking to you from a place of us being on the same team.” (35:08)

4. Handling Unwanted Help or Visits from Grandparents

• You Can’t Control Others’ Reactions:
  Reframe the question from, “How do I do this without upsetting them?” to, “How do I be truthful and respectful even if they’re upset?” (40:55)
• Set the Stage for Difficult Conversations:
  Begin with shared purpose (“We’re both team Luna”) and get clear about the kind of help you appreciate vs. what you don’t. Practice expressing needs clearly.
  • “You and your in-laws are on the same team...let's pretend your kid's name is Luna. You're both team Luna. That's a beautiful way to start.” (46:17)

5. Explaining Grandparent Illness or Decline to Children

• Acknowledge Your Own Emotions First:
  Grieve your own loss and exhaustion before talking to your child about a grandparent’s decline.
  • “Loss isn't just when someone dies. Loss is when a very meaningful relationship...starts to shift.” (51:00)
• Honest, Age-Appropriate Conversations:
  Simply name the truth with kids, follow their lead, and validate their perceptions.
  • “Name what's true, name what's true without making so much more out of it.” (55:09)
  • “Kids can handle hard things when they're delivered from a trusted, loving adult.” (58:10)

Grandparent Questions & Perspectives

1. Feeling Unappreciated or Rejected

• Advice Often Lands as Criticism:
  Recognize that advice—even well-intentioned—can feel to your adult child like a judgment of their parenting.
  • “The words I say to my child might not be what my child hears.” (01:02:20)
• Advise Less, Praise More:
  Give less unsolicited advice. Focus on noticing and complimenting your child’s parenting strengths to build connection.
• Timing and Consent in Giving Feedback:
  Ask if now is a good time before offering feedback—“contract for feedback.”
  • “There's actually a really important thing in feedback...contract for feedback.” (01:08:04)

2. Setting Boundaries as a Grandparent

• It’s OK to Say No:
  If you’re overwhelmed by requests, communicate your need for rest while reaffirming your commitment to being involved.
  • “There are some moments where I just need a little bit of rest, and it’s hard for me to say no. It’s something I’m working on.” (01:10:30)
• Open the Door to Intergenerational Conversations about Boundaries:
  Share your experience with your adult child and use it as a chance to grow together.

3. When Your Child Parents Differently

• Not a Personal Critique:
  Holding “two things are true”—each generation does its best with the resources and information available.
  • “I think I was doing the best with the resources I had in the world I lived in. I think you’re doing the best you can with resources you have in the world you live in.” (01:14:00)
• Permit Honest Conversations About the Past:
  Invite your child to share their experiences without needing to defend your past choices.
  • “It’s okay if you have feelings about the way I parented, and if you ever wanted to talk to me about that, I will try my best to hear it as feedback...not as criticism.” (01:15:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Residue of Childhood:
  “My body doesn’t just respond to it based on this current moment. It kind of scans itself and is like, what do I know about being left out?” — Dr. Becky (08:05)
• On Boundaries with Grandparents:
  “Doing nothing is the most underestimated parenting strategy...Doing nothing just means this is not where I’m gonna put my energy.” — Dr. Becky (33:25)
• On Setting the Stage for Difficult Conversations:
  “We too often...jump into a conversation...We all hear someone else’s words through our insecurities and defenses, and then we’re not even having a conversation.” — Dr. Becky (46:45)
• On Dealing with Grandparent Decline:
  “Loss isn’t just when someone dies. Loss is when a very meaningful relationship...starts to shift.” — Dr. Becky (51:00)
• On Advice from Grandparents:
  “Advise less. I know there’s an irony. I’m giving advice and saying advice should be given less often.” — Dr. Becky (01:05:55)
• On Intergenerational Repair:
  “If you can hold those two things as true, you will become more able to have those moments with your kid where it doesn’t feel like it’s an assault against you.” — Dr. Becky (01:16:20)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |--------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–03:00 | Introduction—Why parent-grandparent relationships matter | | 07:00–14:30 | Parents’ childhood wounds & witnessing changed grandparenting styles | | 21:00–23:30 | Reparenting—a tool for unmet childhood needs | | 28:40–39:00 | Handling when grandparents break parenting rules | | 40:55–49:00 | Setting boundaries around help and visits from grandparents | | 51:00–59:45 | Talking to kids about a sick or declining grandparent | | 1:02:15–1:09:00 | Grandparents: Why advice lands as critique and how to connect | | 1:10:00–1:14:30 | Grandparents: Saying no, setting healthy boundaries, self-worth | | 1:14:30–1:18:00 | Grandparents: Dealing with different parenting styles in next gen | | 1:18:05–1:19:40 | Closing thoughts and takeaways |

Tone and Language

Dr. Becky’s style is deeply validating, nonjudgmental, and pragmatic. She frequently uses inclusive language (“we all…”, “it’s normal to”), normalizes complex feelings, and offers script-like, actionable phrases for listeners to use in real conversations.

Final Thoughts

This episode is essential listening for anyone who navigates the intertwined worlds of parenting and grandparenting, full of insight into emotional undercurrents and offering practical strategies for communication and healing. Dr. Becky invites both generations to share and listen, building bridges one open conversation at a time.