Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Episode: Revisit - Confidence Isn't Feeling Good. Confidence is Self-Trust.
Release Date: September 24, 2024
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy

Introduction

In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Becky Kennedy addresses a common parenting challenge: fostering confidence in children who struggle despite their parents' best efforts. She introduces the episode by presenting a scenario where a child excels in certain areas but feels inadequate when placed among peers of similar abilities.

Dr. Becky [00:02]: "So your kid comes home from school or gymnastics or baseball and tells you that they just can't do it, it's too hard. And everyone else in their class is better at the thing than they are."

Listener’s Story: Christine’s Concern

Christine, a dedicated mother of two boys aged 8 and 6, reaches out with concerns about her older son's declining self-esteem. Despite being placed in a gifted and talented pre-program, her son expresses feelings of inadequacy, claiming he is the worst in his class. This shift has been particularly challenging for Christine, who strives to emphasize effort and enjoyment over competition and outcomes.

Christine [03:22]: "I have two boys, ages 8 and 6. I'm a, I guess recent Covid stay at home mom. Prior to that I was working and so I now very involved in the day to day lives of my boys. And I've noticed with my older son in particular, he is very hard on himself."

She elaborates on her efforts to instill a growth mindset, encouraging her son to see learning as a fun and engaging process. However, despite these interventions, Christine feels her son's negative self-perception persists, mirroring her own struggles with self-criticism.

Christine [04:40]: "We really try our best to kind of emphasize like effort and feeling good about yourself, having a good time. Like sports is not about being the best. And same thing with school."

Dr. Becky’s Insights and Strategies

Dr. Becky empathizes with Christine's frustration, acknowledging the complexity of addressing internalized negative self-talk in children. She introduces a pivotal concept: understanding and managing the different "voices" within a child that influence their self-perception.

Understanding Inner Voices

Dr. Becky explains that children often have conflicting internal dialogues—one that fosters confidence and another that instills doubt. She emphasizes the importance of helping children navigate these voices rather than suppressing the negative ones.

Dr. Becky [11:20]: "The thing our kids need help with more than anything else is actually learning how to talk to and relate to all the different voices they have in themselves, not make their way out of the painful voices and into the easier, more confident ones."

The Car Analogy

To illustrate this, Dr. Becky introduces the "car analogy." She compares a child's mind to a car where the parent is the driver, and the various internal voices are passengers. The goal is to maintain control of the vehicle by acknowledging and managing these voices without letting any single negative voice take over.

Dr. Becky [16:04]: "It's like, you're the driver of a car, and in the passenger, there's a lot of parts of us. There's a lot of voices, okay? And when a voice comes up that's annoying, our instinct often is to, like, try to kick it out of the car."

Redefining Confidence

Dr. Becky redefines confidence not as the absence of negative feelings but as the ability to trust oneself despite them. This shift from seeking constant positive feelings to building self-trust is crucial for long-term resilience.

Dr. Becky [26:13]: "Confidence isn't feeling good. Confidence is self trust."

She further elaborates that by recognizing and conversing with these internal voices, children can prevent negative thoughts from overwhelming their actions and decisions.

Dr. Becky [27:14]: "When we try to convince our kid out of the feelings or thoughts they're having, we're kind of saying to them, never meaning to like, I don't trust you. I don't trust that that's real."

Actionable Strategies

Dr. Becky provides Christine with practical steps to implement these insights:

1. Acknowledge Every Voice: Encourage Christine to validate her son's negative self-talk without dismissing it. This involves recognizing these thoughts as parts of him rather than definitions of his worth.

   Christine [27:15]: "I really think it's the car analogy. I think this idea that you can. That they all coexist, like, in one space. Everything can coexist, and kind of like you're in control of which ones are in the driver's seat."

2. Develop a Relationship with Negative Voices: Teach her son to identify and communicate with his self-doubting voice, fostering a sense of control and understanding.

3. Use Visual Aids: Dr. Becky suggests using drawings or illustrations to make the concept of internal voices tangible for children, making it easier for them to grasp and manage.

4. Consistent Reinforcement: Regularly reinforce the idea that it's okay to have negative thoughts and that they do not negate his abilities or worth.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Dr. Becky concludes the episode by reinforcing the notion that building confidence is about cultivating self-trust and resilience. She encourages parents to adopt these strategies to help their children navigate internal challenges effectively.

Dr. Becky [28:50]: "Sometimes that voice gets drowned out, you know? So we've got to deal with the voice above it, and this is that voice. I think I really mean this, Christine. Like, I can. I can tell. I feel really. I feel really confident in your ability to start to make headway on this with him."

Christine expresses her appreciation for the practical analogy and the actionable steps provided, feeling empowered to implement these strategies with her son.

Christine [29:23]: "Yes. Yes. Thank you, Dr. Becky."

Key Takeaways

• Confidence as Self-Trust: True confidence arises from trusting oneself, not merely from feeling good about achievements.

• Managing Internal Voices: Children benefit from recognizing and conversing with their internal dialogues, especially the negative ones, to maintain self-control and resilience.

• Practical Analogies: Using relatable analogies like the car and passenger seats can help children understand and manage their thoughts effectively.

• Empowering Parents: Providing parents with clear, actionable strategies enables them to support their children's emotional and psychological development more effectively.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dr. Becky [26:13]: "Confidence isn't feeling good. Confidence is self trust."

• Christine [27:15]: "I really think it's the car analogy. I think this idea that you can. That they all coexist, like, in one space."

• Dr. Becky [11:20]: "The thing our kids need help with more than anything else is actually learning how to talk to and relate to all the different voices they have in themselves."

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