Revisit - How Dare You Speak to Me That Way - Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Episode Title: Revisit - How Dare You Speak to Me That Way
Release Date: December 31, 2024
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Myleik

1. Introduction and New Year’s Resolutions Reframed

Dr. Becky Kennedy opens the episode by addressing the common cycle of feeling overwhelmed at the end of the year and the subsequent setting of unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. She introduces the concept of replacing resolutions with “manageable moments,” small, achievable goals that build momentum and foster a sense of capability and optimism.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Becky (00:56): “When we set what I refer to as manageable moments for ourselves, we're able to keep those moments. We're able to watch ourselves be capable.”

2. Exploring Disrespect in Parenting

The conversation shifts to the core topic of disrespectful behavior in children. Myleik shares personal experiences of her child exhibiting defiant behaviors such as threatening to slap her and calling her a liar. She expresses the emotional toll and confusion these behaviors cause, especially when contrasting them with the respectful interactions children may have with other adults like grandparents or school teachers.

Notable Quote:
Myleik (05:20): “I have never hit you. I have never said anything like that to you. Where the hell did you get this from that you're gonna talk to me like this?”

3. Reframing Disrespect vs. Understanding Behavior

Dr. Becky emphasizes the importance of shifting the perspective from labeling behavior as disrespectful to understanding it as a developmental phase where children are learning emotion regulation and coping mechanisms. She compares this to teaching children swimming skills rather than harshly critiquing their current abilities.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Becky (06:34): “Is the framework of disrespect going to get them, with my help, from point A to point B? Or might it get in the way of getting to point B?”

4. The Role of Emotion Regulation

The discussion delves into how children’s outbursts are natural expressions of their struggles with managing intense emotions like anger and frustration. Dr. Becky and Myleik highlight that adults have the tools to regulate these emotions, whereas children are still developing these skills.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Becky (17:28): “If we want our kids to become adults who feel like they have a sense of self, who feel like they can speak up for themselves, who feel like they can set boundaries, that comes from feeling powerful.”

5. Challenges Specific to Black Parents

Myleik introduces a critical layer to the conversation by addressing the unique challenges faced by Black parents, such as heightened fears for their children's safety and the additional pressure to instill respect to protect them in a society that may not treat Black children with the same fairness as others.

Notable Quote:
Myleik (48:41): “There is that added layer and what if we're not there? And I need for you to be respectful... how do you know that you're keeping your kid alive?”

6. Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Dr. Becky and Myleik discuss the importance of setting boundaries that do not shame or punish children but rather provide safety and guidance. They advocate for responses that validate the child's emotions while maintaining authority without instilling fear.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Becky (32:35): “Your reaction to our kids’ big feelings becomes their reaction to their big feelings.”

7. The Pitfalls of the Silent Treatment

The episode addresses the detrimental effects of the silent treatment as a disciplinary method. Dr. Becky explains that it constitutes psychological abandonment, leading children to internalize shame and self-blame, which can have long-term negative impacts on their self-worth and ability to form healthy relationships.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Becky (39:27): “The silent treatment... it really leaves a child feeling deserted, usually in the very moments that they are actually in desperate need of a caregiver.”

8. Empowering Children Through Safe Expression

Emphasizing the need for children to feel powerful and heard, Dr. Becky and Myleik explore strategies to empower children in expressing their emotions safely. They suggest creating opportunities for children to exercise their sense of power in controlled environments, thereby reducing the likelihood of outbursts.

Notable Quote:
Dr. Becky (45:52): “Our kids need kind of periods of feeling powerful, meaning feeling in touch with who they are, feeling like their own independent person.”

9. Final Thoughts and Key Takeaways

In closing, Dr. Becky and Myleik reinforce the importance of understanding and compassion in parenting. They advocate for approaches that foster emotional regulation, respect, and empowerment in children, while also acknowledging and addressing the unique challenges faced by parents from different backgrounds.

Notable Quote:
Myleik (48:41): “Your home can be safe. Your kids can practice and be safe in the world.”

Key Insights and Conclusions

Manageable Moments Over Resolutions: Setting small, achievable goals can build momentum and foster a positive outlook.
Understanding Behavior: Viewing disrespect as a developmental phase rather than pure defiance helps in addressing the root causes.
Emotion Regulation: Teaching children to manage their emotions is crucial for their long-term success and well-being.
Cultural Context: Black parents face additional challenges that require sensitive and tailored approaches.
Healthy Boundaries: Establishing boundaries that protect and guide without instilling fear is essential.
Avoiding the Silent Treatment: Psychological abandonment can lead to severe long-term emotional issues in children.
Empowerment: Providing children with safe ways to express their power and emotions fosters independence and self-worth.

This episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky offers invaluable insights into handling disrespectful behavior in children by reframing the approach towards understanding and empowering them. By focusing on manageable moments, emotional regulation, and healthy boundaries, parents can foster stronger connections and equip their children with essential life skills.

Transcript

A (0:00)

You. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. All right, It's January. It's a new year. It is that time. A lot of us think about resolutions. And before we jump in, I want to share a little reframe that I've been thinking about around resolutions. Most of us, definitely me, end the year in December feeling overwhelmed, feeling like there's so many things we wish we did differently, feeling like we didn't get it right. And then we enter January, and we have the hope and the optimism and kind of the blank slate of a new year. But then, you know what we do to ourselves? We do resolutions, and we do them in a way that we go right back to feeling the way we did in December. Overwhelmed. Less than not enough. We set goals for ourselves that. That, frankly, are unrealistic. Not unrealistic because we're not capable. Unrealistic because they're based in some idea of perfection rather than in an idea of reality. So maybe we're going through a tough stage with our kids. They are being really rude. There's a lot of disrespect. We've been yelling. We say, I'm not gonna yell for the month of January. Well, I don't know about you, but I can't not yell for the month of January. We say, I'm going to start out every day spending 30 minutes with my kid without my phone. Well, you know what? It might really help our kid to spend five minutes with them in the morning without our phone twice a week. I'm not talking about lowering the bar. I'm actually talking about building momentum. When we set what I refer to as manageable moments for ourselves, we're able to keep those moments. We're able to watch ourselves be capable. At the end of the day, we can say, I did spend those five minutes. I did do exactly what I said. I didn't yell from 8am to 8:10am and you know what that momentum does? It allows us to continue setting other manageable moments. We start to feel capable and hopeful and optimistic, which is the set of feelings we want to feel in January. And honestly, the set of feelings we need to cultivate to have bigger and bigger gains in our lives. And so, please join me this year. Out with resolutions, in with manageable moments. And as you listen to this episode, which is a classic episode about disrespect and rudeness and defiance with my elite Thiel, please think about the one manageable idea you can take to create a new optimistic, hopeful, manageable moment for yourself. We'll be back right after this. Hey, Good Inside listeners. So sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick, and sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more. And I wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times. The Good Inside membership platform is your parenting encyclopedia coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust, which means that no matter what you're going through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline. We want to raise our baselines right. And this is what we really do together. Reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step. And until then, please do check out goodinside.com podcast. Scroll down down to the Ask Doctor Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you want to talk about in future podcast episodes. Hi Myleik.