Podcast Summary

Podcast: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Episode: Should I Praise My Kid?
Date: September 9, 2025
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy

Overview of the Episode's Main Theme

In this episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy explores the nuances of praise in parenting. She tackles common parental concerns: Should we praise our kids? How does praise impact genuine confidence, motivation, and resilience? Dr. Becky explains how different kinds of praise shape children’s self-perception and offers practical strategies for building long-term confidence and self-worth that endures beyond childhood. Rooted in warmth and research, the episode provides actionable advice for fostering inside-out rather than outside-in self-esteem in children—and for examining our own relationships with praise as adults.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why Praise is Complicated: The Science and the Pitfalls

• Research-Backed Risks: Dr. Becky references the work of psychologist Carol Dweck, highlighting studies showing that certain types of praise ("You're so smart!") can actually undermine resilience and decrease motivation when kids encounter challenges.

  • Quote:

    “When kids are praised for being smart, they become less likely to take on challenges and more likely to give up after a mistake and more afraid of failing. … But when kids were praised for noticing their persistence … they become more resilient, more confident, even when things get hard.”
    — Dr. Becky, [01:33]

• Nuanced Perspective:

  • “This is not a ‘don’t say good job’ episode … keep that in your vocabulary here and there. All good. … I want to really get to something deeper, to really think, what is confidence really about?”
    — Dr. Becky, [00:38]

2. Coaching Parents through Real-Life Scenarios

A. The Kid Who Excels in Sports but Lacks Academic Confidence

• Issue: A parent asks how to help her son transfer his soccer field confidence to reading and schoolwork.

  • Parent: “With his schoolwork … he will give up so easily. He whines, he even collapses. So I'm wondering, how can I get him to build that confidence in his schoolwork the way he has on the soccer field?”
    — Parent, [03:51]

• Dr. Becky’s Approach:

  • It's OK to celebrate achievements (“amazing job!”), but notice what we’re unconsciously praising: Is it effort, process, or only outcomes?

  • When praise consistently links effort with only external validation, kids learn to derive self-worth from applause or results, not from trying or persisting.

  • Suggests shifting the script:

    “I see a kid who has been working so hard all week in practice. … I see a kid who stayed calm when you missed that penalty kick. And that's the stuff that just really stands out to me about the game.”
    — Dr. Becky, [07:32]

  • This builds the foundation for confidence in less externally validated domains (like reading), even though the psychological shift takes time.

B. The High-Achiever/Perfectionist Trap

• Issue: Another parent asks about her high-achieving daughter who receives constant praise and wonders, “What happens when something isn’t easy?”
• Long-Term Risks:

  • Dr. Becky explains how “outside-in” self-worth forms and why it can lead to “collapse” in adulthood:

    “It’s like my identity is formed almost outside in … and then we all hit a time, often it’s in our 20s, where the world stops cooperating.”
    — Dr. Becky, [14:44]

  • The child who always “wins” may be at higher risk for later struggles with resilience, identity, and self-acceptance.

  • Advice: Pay attention to the types of questions you ask your child—do they center on performance and achievement, or on experience, effort, and relationships?

    • Example “inside-out” questions: “What was the best part of your day? Who were you nice to today? What was hard today?”
      — [19:37]

C. Praise and Appearance for Girls (and Social Media Pressures)

• Issue: A parent worries about everyone praising her daughter’s looks, especially with social media’s “outside-in” pressure.

  • Parent: "I don't want a kid to think their worth is tied to any one thing, right? Or any even two things."
    — Parent, [22:46]

• Dr. Becky’s Response:

  • Recognizes the real risk in tying worth to one trait (beauty, achievement, humor). Fragility arises when that trait is questioned.
  • Urges parents to add “dissonance” after hearing repeated beauty praise (“You are so much more than how you look. I see a kid who… [lists other qualities].”).
  • Actively helps children shift from “Does this look good on me?” to “Does this feel good on me?”
    • Quote:

      “… Instead of making it a 100% gazing out experience, I am actually helping recircuit their body to a gazing in experience. Oh, what do I like? … What makes you feel like the best, most excited version of you?”
      — Dr. Becky, [25:26]

3. Dealing with Constant Validation-Checking

• Issue: Parent reports her son now "cannot function without my constant approval" and constantly seeks praise.

  • Parent: "He's always saying things like, did you see that? Was that good? Do you like it? And it's really non stop and it's driving me nuts."
    — Parent, [29:17]

• Dr. Becky’s Response:

  • Normalizes some degree of wanting parental attention and approval.
  • Notes that an over-reliance on external feedback feels “off” for both parent and child.
  • Suggests shifting from praise (“Great job!”) to curiosity and process-oriented conversation-starters:
    • “How did you think to make the rainbow like that?”
    • “Tell me about this sign you made for your tower.”
    • “How did you get to that answer?”
  • This opens up dialogue and helps children recognize and value their own inner process and creativity.
    • Quote:

      "There is nothing that feels better than someone being curious about you as a person, about someone wanting to know more about your process."
      — Dr. Becky, [32:48]

4. Parallels for Parents: Our Own Relationship with Praise

• Dr. Becky reminds listeners that adults, too, may conditionally tie their worth to achievements and external validation. She encourages parents to reflect on—and transform—their own internal narrative.
  • Quote:

    “Your worth. It lives inside of you. You have a lot of interesting things you’re working on and thinking about that are much bigger and more valuable than how they get represented on the surface.”
    — Dr. Becky, [37:08]

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “If there’s one thing we’re really against at good inside, it’s rigidity. … This is not a don't say good job episode.” — Dr. Becky, [00:38]
• “When I look at you, it’s funny. I actually don’t see a kid who scored six goals in one game. I see a kid who has been working so hard all week in practice.” — Dr. Becky, [07:32]
• “I have built up a sense of self in the way I call outside in. I do things, I look outward, I see the result, I see the impact. … Then we all hit a time, often it’s in our 20s, where the world stops cooperating.” — Dr. Becky, [14:44]
• “How something feels to you is more important than how it looks to others.” — Dr. Becky, [25:35]
• “There is nothing that feels better than someone being curious about you as a person, about someone wanting to know more about your process.” — Dr. Becky, [32:48]
• “Your worth. It lives inside of you.” — Dr. Becky, [37:08]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00–03:51]: Introduction to the topic of praise and its risks/benefits (with Carol Dweck research)
• [03:51–13:00]: Parent Q&A: Sports confidence vs. academic confidence
• [13:00–22:46]: High achievers, perfectionism, and the “outside-in” dilemma
• [22:46–29:17]: Appearance-based praise and building broader self-worth (especially for girls and in the age of social media)
• [29:17–37:08]: Dealing with kids who constantly seek praise; practical strategies for parents
• [37:08–end]: Reflections for parents on their own self-worth, encouragement, and final grounding exercise

Practical Tips & Takeaways

• Praise is not uniformly “good” or “bad”—It’s how, when, and what you praise:

  • Mix outcome praise with process, effort, strategy, and persistence.
  • Avoid defaulting to external validation as the only reward mechanism.

• Shift conversation starters:

  • From: “Great job!”
    To: “How did you think to…?”
  • From: “Did you win/What was your grade?”
    To: “What was tricky? What did you enjoy?”

• Add “dissonance” after outside-focused compliments from others.

  • Whisper to your child about what else you see in them: kindness, effort, curiosity.

• Focus on inside-out self-worth at home, especially for children prone to high external affirmation.

  • Be intentional with comments and questions—kids overhear everything.

Final Reminder

Dr. Becky closes with reassurance: These strategies can be implemented immediately and imperfectly. She encourages parents to apply the same lessons to themselves, affirming that worth comes from within—regardless of accomplishments or praise.

For more resources:
Dr. Becky mentions her workshops and membership, offering further support for parents seeking to foster confidence, resilience, and connected relationships with children.

Summary prepared so you can walk away feeling more confident and equipped to build genuine, lasting confidence in your kids—and, perhaps, in yourself.