Good Inside with Dr. Becky: "What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves"
Release Date: June 10, 2025
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Richard Reeves, Scholar and Author of Boys and Men
Introduction
In the June 10, 2025 episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, host Dr. Becky Kennedy engages in a profound conversation with Richard Reeves, a renowned scholar and author of Boys and Men. As Father's Day approaches, the duo delves into the intricacies of fatherhood, masculinity, and the unique challenges faced by boys in today's society. This episode seeks to unpack developmental gaps, societal expectations, and the pivotal role fathers play in bridging these divides.
Understanding Developmental Gaps in Boys
Early Language and Self-Regulation
Dr. Becky opens the discussion by highlighting concerns from parents about boys lagging behind girls in early language development and self-regulation. She notes, "boys tend to lag girls in early language and self regulation" (00:00). Richard Reeves acknowledges this, emphasizing that boys are "about a year behind in terms of language development" from pre-K through high school (03:12). This developmental lag results in boys being less prepared for school settings that are traditionally more accommodating to girls' developmental stages.
Educational Challenges
Reeves points out significant gender disparities in education: "2/3 of the top 10% are girls. 2/3 of the bottom 10% are boys" (04:29). He asserts that the education system has become "a bit more female friendly than male friendly," inadvertently treating boys as "malfunctioning girls." This systemic bias overlooks the unique needs of boys, contributing to their academic struggles and higher exclusion rates.
Parental Perspectives and Emotional Reactions
Shame and Self-Blame
The conversation shifts to parental feelings of inadequacy when comparing children. Dr. Becky shares scenarios where parents express frustration over boys not meeting certain milestones, such as zipping jackets or organizing school materials. "What is wrong with my son?" she articulates the common blame parents place on themselves or their children, leading to shame and guilt (05:02).
Reeves’ Personal Reflections
Reeves candidly shares his regrets as a father, recounting moments of impatience and frustration: "My deepest regrets as a father were my moments when I just didn't have enough patience" (07:57). He emphasizes the importance of recognizing developmental differences and providing necessary scaffolding rather than resorting to blame or punishment.
Communication Styles: Front Door vs. Side Door Strategies
Dr. Becky’s Approach
Dr. Becky introduces the concept of "side door strategies" for deeply feeling children, contrasting it with traditional "front door" approaches. She explains, "for deeply feeling kids, they don't want to be confronted directly; they need more subtle, integrated moments to express their feelings" (12:00). Examples include engaging in activities like driving or gaming, where emotions can surface organically without direct interrogation.
Reeves on Emotional Expression
Reeves adds that boys often prefer expressing their feelings "shoulder to shoulder rather than face to face" (12:00). He suggests that fathers intuitively understand this communication style, recommending activities like hiking or playing sports as natural avenues for emotional connection. This method respects boys' comfort zones and fosters authentic emotional expression.
The Role of Fathers in Emotional Development
Building a Secure Base
A significant portion of the discussion centers on the foundational role fathers play in providing a secure base for their children. Dr. Becky emphasizes that "independence comes from dependence," highlighting the necessity of a secure, connected relationship that allows children to explore and take risks confidently (24:52).
Oxytocin and Bonding
Reeves shares insights from Sarah Hrdy's research, noting that while mothers experience oxytocin spikes through nurturing activities like cuddling, fathers receive oxytocin from "throwing their kid in the air and catching them"—activities that foster play, risk-taking, and a sense of autonomy (23:14). This biological perspective underscores the complementary roles of mothers and fathers in a child’s emotional development.
Modern Fatherhood and Societal Expectations
Importance Across Relationships
Reeves stresses that fatherhood holds significance regardless of the parents' romantic relationships. "Every dad matters to every kid," he asserts, addressing the often-overlooked role of fathers in non-traditional family structures (33:20). He calls for societal recognition that fathers continue to be vital even when parental relationships change.
Impact on Mental Health
The discussion touches on research indicating that the quality of a father’s relationship with his daughter during adolescence can predict her mental health in her 30s (30:00). This highlights the long-term influence fathers have on their children’s well-being and interpersonal relationships.
Strategies for Effective Fathering
Sturdy Pilot Approach
Dr. Becky introduces the "sturdy pilot" metaphor, likening the father's role to a pilot who acknowledges turbulence but remains calm and confident. This approach involves validating the child's emotions while expressing confidence in their ability to navigate challenges: "I believe you, I believe in you, I believe in us" (18:40).
Balancing Connection and Independence
Both hosts agree on the necessity of balancing emotional connection with allowing independence. Reeves emphasizes that a strong foundation of connection enables children to take risks and develop coping skills without feeling abandoned or overly responsible for their parents' emotions (27:00).
Conclusion: The Vital Role of Connection
As the episode wraps up, Dr. Becky and Richard Reeves reaffirm the essential nature of fathers in their children's lives. They underscore that in an age where children face unprecedented challenges, the unique contributions of fathers—alongside mothers—are indispensable. Dr. Becky passionately calls for greater inclusion of fathers in the Good Inside community, inviting them to share their experiences and learn from one another to foster healthier, more connected families.
Notable Quotes:
- "Boys are much less likely to be ready for school, much more likely to be excluded." — Richard Reeves (03:12)
- "What is wrong with my son? Why can't he just learn how to write a letter?" — Dr. Becky Kennedy (07:05)
- "Every dad matters to every kid." — Richard Reeves (33:20)
- "I hear you screaming. I get it. You're scared. I know we're going to get to Los Angeles safely." — Dr. Becky Kennedy (20:46)
This episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky offers insightful perspectives on the nuanced needs of boys and the pivotal role fathers play in their emotional and psychological development. By fostering understanding and providing actionable strategies, Dr. Becky and Richard Reeves equip parents with the tools to build stronger, more supportive relationships with their children.