Good Inside with Dr. Becky Kennedy

Episode: When Life Has Other Plans with Maya Shankar

Release Date: December 30, 2025
Guest: Dr. Maya Shankar (Cognitive Scientist, Author of "The Other Side of Change")
Main Theme:
Navigating change—how it upends our sense of control and identity, how we can grow through the most difficult transitions, and practical strategies for reframing change in parenting and beyond.

Episode Overview

This episode delves deep into the psychological experience of change—why it is so difficult, how it threatens our sense of self, and why uncertainty is so much harder to bear than knowing the outcome, even when the outcome is distressing. Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Maya Shankar explore personal loss, societal narratives around control, and the science of resilience. Together, they provide both personal stories and research-backed insights, culminating in practical tools for parents and anyone facing life’s unexpected twists.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why Change Is So Hard

• The Fear of Uncertainty:

  • Dr. Maya opens with research: our brains prefer certainty, even negative, over ambiguity.
  • Notable Quote:

    "Research shows that in part, it's because change is accompanied by so much uncertainty, and our brains are not wired to like uncertainty... we are more stressed when we're told we have a 50% chance of getting an electric shock than when we're told we have a 100% chance."
    —Maya, [03:14–04:05]

• The Illusion of Control:

  • Humans overestimate how much control they have. Big changes shatter that illusion.
  • Notable Quote:

    "So much research shows that we overestimate the degree to which we're in control... when a big change comes our way, it shatters that illusion."
    —Maya, [06:13–06:47]

2. Change and Identity Loss

• Unanticipated Change Exposes Vulnerabilities:

  • Maya shares her struggles with infertility and pregnancy loss, emphasizing feeling helpless when action/hustle can't deliver results.
  • Societal mantras like "You can't change what happens to you, but you can change your reaction" sometimes fall flat in real pain.
  • Notable Quote:

    "There's no such thing as outworking a problem in the fertility space... it's a waiting game, and it's a hoping game."
    —Maya, [06:49–08:19]

• Writing as Coping:

  • Both Becky and Maya admit they write about what is hardest for them, not what they have mastered. This vulnerability is echoed as an ongoing process for all.
  • Notable Quote:

    "Everyone's like, Maya's an expert in change. I'm like, no she's not. Like, I know her. No offense."
    —Becky, [10:08–10:13]

3. Anxiety and the Capacity to Cope

• Becky’s Equation for Anxiety:
  • "Anxiety = Uncertainty + Underestimation of our ability to cope."
  • Sometimes hustle helps reduce uncertainty, but overdoing it can fuel more anxiety.
  • The bigger challenge is trusting our unseen capacity to cope.

4. The "Other Side" of Change – Who We Become

• The End of History Illusion:

  • We know we've changed, but struggle to believe we’ll keep changing in the future.
  • Notable Quote:

    "We are always believing that the person we are right now in this moment is the person who's here to stay. But change will accelerate that internal transformation process."
    —Maya, [13:33–15:25]

• Personal Transformation:

  • With time, Maya found peace and hope even after losing her long-held dream of motherhood, highlighting the unpredictability of how we’ll feel in the future.
  • Notable Quote:

    "I'm talking to you now on the other side, as someone who has found peace, as someone who is currently child free, as someone who feels more hopeful than she ever has..."
    —Maya, [17:10–17:28]

5. Redefining Identity Through "Why"

• Anchoring to Core Motivations:

  • Instead of identifying with what we do, anchor identity to why we do it.
  • E.g., after losing the ability to play violin due to injury, Maya realized it was human connection—not the violin—itself, that was her "why."
  • Notable Quote:

    "I just encourage every person to ask themselves what their why is. Because it's a much more stable identity to hold onto during times of change."
    —Maya, [23:54–24:10]

• Parenting Example:

  • Becky offers practical guidance for parents (e.g., leaving the workforce) to look for the underlying "why" and seek other ways to fulfill it, even if imperfectly.
  • Notable Quote:

    "Sometimes a 5 out of 10 is the best we get at different parts of our life for certain needs. And it's a whole lot better than a zero."
    —Becky, [25:51–25:58]

6. Multiplicity of Identity and Self-Affirmation

• Self-Affirmation as Resilience:

  • Practicing gratitude and recalling other identities helps zoom out from an all-consuming loss or transition.
  • Maya’s husband leads her through a gratitude/self-affirmation exercise in a dark moment, shifting perspective.
  • Notable Quote:

    "I suddenly zoomed out and saw my life as a whole and realized there were all these other rich identities... I completely lost sight of."
    —Maya, [28:30–29:12]

• Becky's Car Analogy:

  • All our parts (identities, needs) are always with us, even if some feel silent or hidden during a crisis.
  • Notable Quote:

    "You do forget. And just knowing they're there... can also be that tiny shift."
    —Becky, [31:20–32:15]

7. Offering Hope and Curiosity About the Future

• You Don’t Have to See the Way Through Now:
  • Even if happiness isn't guaranteed, Maya offers strategies for hope and curiosity—life can (and will) feel different later.
  • Notable Quote:

    "What I can promise people is a set of approaches that will give them the hope that there is another way... and make them very curious about what those other ways might be."
    —Maya, [32:15–33:01]

8. Rapid-Fire Reflections on Change (36:01–37:03)

• Change is hardest when...
  "You think it's your fault." —Maya, [36:08]
• Change feels manageable when...
  "You're in community." —Maya, [36:13]
• Biggest unexpected change...
  "A child free life." —Maya, [36:24]
• In the middle of change...
  "I try to remind myself some things are still constant." —Maya, [36:29]
• Small change, big impact...
  "My morning ritual of a hot cup of Indian style tea." —Maya, [36:38]
• Message to parents desperate for change...
  "Your kid will change and you will change as a parent." —Maya, [37:03]

Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• On Certainty vs. Ambiguity:

  "Bring on all the shocks. I just want to know how the story ends. I hate having ambiguity, you know, in my life." —Maya, [04:05]

• On Self-Compassion and Blame:

  "You can only take a little bit of credit for the good stuff. We should only take a little bit of credit for the bad stuff." —Maya, [34:52]

• On Belief and Support:

  "I believe you and I believe in you. Like, I believe you that the hard is really that hard... But if I have one foot in the difficulty...I will always have my other foot in the, like, I believe in you." —Becky, [33:36–34:05]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:51] - Maya joins the conversation
• [03:14–04:50] - Why uncertainty is harder than negative certainty
• [06:13–08:19] - Hustle, helplessness, the illusion of control, and Maya’s own fertility story
• [10:08–12:30] - Writing from fear and anxiety as uncertainty plus doubt in coping
• [13:33–17:28] - Our mistaken belief in a "finished self" and the opportunity for transformation
• [20:00–24:10] - Identity threatened by change, finding your "why"
• [25:58–29:12] - Applying the "why" concept, self-affirmation exercise, and zooming out
• [31:20–33:01] - Parts of us remain, even if silent; hope as a strategy
• [36:01–37:06] - Rapid-fire: Maya’s definitions and lessons about change

Final Takeaways

• When change upends your life, you won't only need to change your behavior, but also how you understand who you are.
• Explore your underlying motivations (“why”) when you experience a loss or a transition—then brainstorm new ways to meet those same needs.
• Remember you are always more than your current situation—numerous identities and strengths remain, even in crisis.
• You (and your kids) will continue to change in ways you can't anticipate. Despair, anxiety, and grief are not forever.
• Curiosity, self-compassion, and incremental steps can sustain hope when certainty is impossible.

For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode is a warm, honest, and insightful conversation about resilience during change—whether it’s losing a dream, shifting identity, or tackling the daily uncertainties of parenting. Dr. Becky and Dr. Maya seamlessly blend personal stories and scientific research, making the advice feel at once compassionate and actionable. You’ll leave with a new understanding of identity, actionable practices for yourself and your family, and the reassuring reminder that change—no matter how bleak—brings the opportunity for growth you can’t yet imagine.