Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Episode: When Our Nervous Systems Hijack Our Parenting

Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Date: October 7, 2025

Overview: Episode Theme & Purpose

In this emotionally resonant episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy takes on a universal parenting struggle: those moments when our own nervous systems hijack our best intentions, causing us to react—often by yelling or shutting down—despite knowing better. Through storytelling, neuroscience, and audience Q&A, Dr. Becky demystifies why these outbursts happen, explains the deep roots of our responses, and empowers parents with perspective and concrete steps toward healing, repair, and cycle-breaking in family relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Reactive Parenting Moments

• Neuroscience & Patterns:

  • Our nervous systems often react to high-stress moments with our children before our values and intentions can engage.
  • "We all have moments when our nervous system hijacks our parenting and our value system just hasn't had the time to catch up." (Dr. Becky, 00:18)
  • The amygdala responds at lightning speed, triggering survival behaviors learned in childhood.

• Personal Story from Practice:

  • Dr. Becky shares a session with a mom who, after a heated fight with her daughter, screamed, “Well, I don’t like you either.”
  • The mother was left shaken, ashamed, and frozen—mirroring her own childhood experiences and vowing to break this cycle, which she inadvertently repeated. (02:11–05:40)

2. It’s Never Too Late to Repair

• The Power of Going Back
  • Dr. Becky emphasizes that returning to a child after a ruptured moment is always possible and profoundly healing, no matter how much time has passed.
  • "That longing for a parent to return, to come back in, to talk calmly— that longing doesn't go away with time, meaning it is never too late." (05:45)
  • Repair and reconnecting are at the heart of breaking generational cycles.

3. Why Do We Repeat the Past?

• Memory Stored in Our Bodies:
  • Even when we don't have explicit memories of our childhood experiences, our triggered reactions are “body memories”; responses learned from our own upbringings.
  • "So often memory gets expressed in our triggered moments. …You might actually start to be curious about the way you respond in some of those moments and use that as data." (15:30)

4. Listener Q&A: Common Triggers and Patterns

• Q1: Is Shutting Down Instead of Yelling the Same?

  • Shutting down (submit, freeze, play dead) is just as much an animal defense as yelling (fight/flight). These are instinctive protective behaviors developed to manage overwhelming situations. (13:10)

• Q2: I Don’t Remember How My Parents Responded. Is That Normal?

  • Totally normal. Body-based, non-verbal memories can drive current reactions—even if explicit recall is missing. (15:20)

• Q3: Is It Too Late? Have I Already Damaged My Kids By Yelling?

  • Dr. Becky unequivocally answers: “It is never too late.”
  • She guides listeners through a mental exercise: Imagine a parent calling you, apologizing sincerely for past hurts, and openly inviting connection.
  • “When we say it's too late, we lock ourselves into nothing. …If that type of moment with your parent…would have a visceral impact on you, that is proof that it is never too late to repair and reconnect with your own kid.” (18:55–22:00)

5. The Physiology and Psychology of Yelling

• Our Body’s Misguided Protection:

  • For many, childhood taught that anger—especially directed at parents—was unsafe. So, adult bodies now react to children’s anger as a threat, trying to shut it down with harshness.
  • "Our body thinks it’s protecting us in those moments when we yell at our kids. Now, our body is misguided, it’s not protecting us, but here’s where it comes from..." (25:50)
  • The cycle persists until we become conscious of and gently challenge it.

• Different Response Mechanisms:

  • Yelling vs. going cold is about individual differences in defense responses (fight/flight vs. freeze/submit).
  • Quoting Bessel van der Kolk: "The body remembers even when the conscious mind does not." (27:06)

6. Tools and Concrete Steps for Change

• Self-Compassion and Internal Rewiring:
  • Dr. Becky encourages thanking the part of yourself that learned to adapt and survive.
  • "Thank you to the part of me who noticed anger was dangerous. ... After you thank that part of you, you can add something like this: I'm going to show you over time that anger isn't so dangerous after all…” (31:00–32:05)
  • This starts the process of making that part more amenable to change.
• Understanding ≠ Condoning:
  • “Understanding why we yell is not the same as condoning that we yell. Understanding is actually the foundation for figuring out how to change these patterns.” (29:55)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Universal Parental Struggles:

  • "We all say the words we promised ourselves we would never say. ... You are not alone. If this is happening, this happens to every single parent." (00:15, 06:30)

• On Repair:

  • “It is never too late to repair. If you haven’t gone back in yet, you still can…” (05:52)
  • "That longing for a parent to return, to come back in, to talk calmly—that longing doesn't go away with time.” (05:58)

• On The Role of the Nervous System:

  • "So often our nervous system steps in before our values can catch up." (06:55)
  • "Our amygdala reacts in milliseconds, so much faster than our thinking, logical, values-based brain can respond." (27:42)

• On Cycle-Breaking:

  • "Those moments when we worry we're not breaking cycles at all, we're repeating them. Those aren't proof of who we are. Those moments don't define our parenting." (33:25)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–01:30 — Dr. Becky introduces the “hijacking” phenomenon & promises hope.
• 02:12–06:10 — Story from Dr. Becky’s practice: the generational cycle of yelling/shutdown.
• 06:11–07:18 — On the importance and power of repair after rupture.
• 13:10–15:20 — Q1: Shutting down vs. yelling—both are protective responses.
• 15:20–16:20 — Q2: Lack of explicit memory, body-based memories in parenting triggers.
• 18:55–22:00 — Q3: “Is it too late?”/Dr. Becky’s powerful “pretend call” from a remorseful parent exercise.
• 25:50–28:15 — Why we yell: Body's protective adaptation, roots in childhood dynamics.
• 29:55–33:10 — The difference between understanding and condoning/reactivity as a first step in healing.
• 31:00–32:05 — Self-compassion exercise: Thank and gently re-parent your adaptive mechanisms.

Summary Takeaways

• You’re Not Alone: Every parent faces moments of reactive behavior; it’s a universal human struggle linked to deep, often nonverbal patterns from childhood.
• Your Reactions are Not Your Fault—But They Can Become Your Responsibility: By understanding that your nervous system is acting to protect you, you gain compassion for yourself and open a pathway to real change.
• It’s Never Too Late: Even years later, repair and reconnection are possible and meaningful. The willingness to return, apologize, and listen non-defensively is the essence of cycle-breaking.
• Change Starts with Awareness and Self-Compassion: Thank the parts of yourself that adapted for survival. Remind yourself: anger can be safe, connection is possible, and you always remain “good inside.”

Closing Words:

“Even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.” (33:49)