When Your Kid Says “I’m Boredddd!”

Summary

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Good Inside with Dr. Becky — Episode Summary

Episode Title: When Your Kid Says “I’m Boredddd!”
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Lizzie Asa, expert on independent play and boredom
Release Date: January 13, 2026
Duration: ~38 minutes (excluding ads, intro, outro)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky reframes how parents should respond when their kids say, “I’m bored!” Rather than viewing boredom as a parental failing or a problem to solve, Dr. Becky and her guest, independent play expert Lizzie Asa, explore why boredom is a positive sign, how it fosters independence, creativity, and resilience, and what practical strategies parents can use to create an environment that supports healthy independent play. The episode is full of relatable anecdotes, “aha” moments, and actionable, guilt-busting advice for every stage of childhood.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Modern Parenting Dilemma: Why Kids Seem More Bored Now

• Kids today experience more boredom despite abundant activities and stimulation
  • “Their lives are actually so much more stimulating... so the situation that leads them to feel bored is just so much more common because there's so much stuff, so much dopamine, so many activities all around them.”
    — Dr. Becky, [01:25]
• Boredom in children is not a sign of parenting failure
  • “Maybe you're doing something very right as a parent. Like, do I pat myself on the back a little?”
    — Dr. Becky, [04:06]
• The Parenting Reflex: Seeing boredom as a ‘problem to solve’
  • Many parents feel triggered or guilty when a child complains of boredom, immediately assuming it's their duty to fix the situation or entertain.

Why Boredom is Good

• Boredom fosters independence, creativity, and relationship-building
  • “It's not just about independent play. It's about relationship, understanding who your kid is, what lights them up, what are they grappling with.” — Lizzie Asa, [02:39]
• Leaning into boredom, not fighting it
  • “When we reserve that space for boredom, and we as the adult feel anchored and okay with boredom, it lets our kids feel safe in boredom.” — Lizzie Asa, [02:56]
• Boredom signals that parents are providing healthy downtime
  • “To me, it means okay...you reserved the time [for unstructured play and rest].” — Lizzie Asa, [04:28]

The Shift: From Entertainer to Facilitator

• Parents don’t need to fill every moment or be the source of entertainment
  • “Our parents didn't see it as their job to entertain us. Like they were interested in us. But it wasn't all encompassing to them.” — Lizzie Asa, [06:28]
• Providing structure, not solutions
  • Set up “play pockets”: spaces and materials for kids to use independently, rather than constantly creating structured activities.
    “I have set up what I like to call play pockets. I know that they have. There are toys and materials. There are spaces for them to read and be comfortable.” — Lizzie Asa, [08:09]
• The distinction between providing opportunities and delivering fun:
  • “When I say, are there things for them to do? I do not mean a craft or a project or a new toy that I am now going to sit with you and do...I mean actually the opposite of that.” — Lizzie Asa, [09:26]

Play, Boredom, and Life Skills

• Independent play fosters problem-solving, autonomy, and resilience
  • “When you support your child in play...you're gonna learn so much about, like, who is my child, what's interesting to them, what are they grappling with?” — Lizzie Asa, [12:01]
• Link to adulthood and life skills
  • “That kind of resilience is really built on the living room floor at 4.” — Lizzie Asa, [13:06]
  • “I think about, are kids always forgetting the water bottle. And these patterns...The difference between every day, here's your water bottle...versus: hey, you keep forgetting your water bottle. I wonder what you would need on the wall...to remember.” — Dr. Becky, [24:54]

Concrete Strategies for Parents

• Shift the response to boredom
  • Move from, “Here’s a list of things to do,” to “I notice you’re bored. That’s hard sometimes. Do you remember what you did last time?”
    “I really like to think of, you know, I'm bored, I don't know what to do more as a bid for connection and less as, give me something to do.” — Lizzie Asa, [20:48]
• Scaffolding without taking over:
  • Instead of fixing, provide light guidance, encourage reflection, or simply empathize.
    “I always say it’s helpful to lead kids a little bit to the well, but let them have this aha moment because they feel so proud.” — Dr. Becky, [17:35]
• Set up the environment to remove barriers, not to entertain
  • “I am gonna see it as my job to remove the barrier to them getting started.” — Lizzie Asa, [27:27]
• Address pushback with conviction (and expect it!)
  • “Your kid won't come home and say, this is such a better afternoon than the iPad. Thank you for that setup. I love this invitation to play. They will not.” — Dr. Becky, [29:32]
  • “Any change is hard. The thing that we don't focus on enough, I think, is we need to have conviction. Not that it's gonna be easy. We have to have conviction in a shift in family rhythms that we think is long term gonna be better for everyone before we do it.” — Dr. Becky, [32:35]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Notable Quotes with Time Stamps

• “Boredom is safe and a good thing.” — Lizzie Asa, [35:32]
• “Boredom is a place where my kids can really have time and space to understand who they are and feel comfortable being with themselves.” — Lizzie Asa, [35:58]
• “It [independent play] looks different for all kids, and so many things count that you might not think do.” — Lizzie Asa, [36:15]
• “It's not our job to create the magic of play. That belongs to them.” — Lizzie Asa, [26:52]
• “We almost outsource our kids’ creative abilities to being our responsibility. Cause, okay, I guess I'll…I have to give them this activity or I need to come up with the idea—constantly on a treadmill.” — Co-host, [05:48]
• “I want parents to give kids back that childhood, give them back that time.” — Lizzie Asa, [07:05]

Rapid-Fire Round Highlights

• One thing NOT to say to a bored child: "Listing off a bunch of activities." — Lizzie Asa, [36:34]
• One thing TO say: “It's hard when you're not sure what to do.” — Lizzie Asa, [36:26]
• Self-reflection: “I talk a lot about other people carving out times for boredom for their kids. And as a grown up, I need to practice what I preach.” — Lizzie Asa, [35:39]

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Age-Specific Guidance & Scenarios

• Toddlers/Young Kids:
  Practice standing back as they play—let the Magna Tiles tower fall, empathize with disappointment, use “wondering” statements (“I wonder why it fell?”) rather than instructing. [16:01–17:01]
• Elementary Age:
  Instead of giving solutions or lists of activities, remind them of past successful play or projects. Guide them to recognize their boredom as an opportunity, not a failure. [19:48–21:00]
• Older Kids & Shifting Family Habits:
  Be upfront about making changes. Remove barriers to independent play (like making materials accessible), but expect resistance and stay the course with empathy and conviction. [27:27–31:17]

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Three Big Takeaways ([36:51–38:07])

1. Our response to our child’s boredom matters most.
   Change starts with how we tolerate our kids’ discomfort.
2. Boredom isn't a sign you’re failing as a parent—it's a sign you’re protecting time for your child’s creativity and self-discovery.
3. Play is essential for long-term life skills.
   It’s how kids learn initiative, resilience, decision-making, and problem-solving, skills that will help them as adults.

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Useful Segment Timestamps

• [01:06] — Why kids complain of boredom (and why it's OK)
• [02:29] — Lizzie Asa on reframing boredom for kids and parents
• [04:28] — Scheduling (and defending) downtime for boredom and play
• [09:26] — Facilitating play vs. playing the entertainer
• [12:01] — The link between independent play and life skills
• [19:29] — Two parental paths: Fixing vs. scaffolding
• [24:54] — Water bottle example: The line between reminding and ownership
• [27:27] — How to shift habits and manage resistance
• [29:32] — Conviction, pushback, and normalizing difficult transitions
• [35:27] — Rapid-fire myth-busting and mantras
• [36:51] — Dr. Becky’s recap & actionable takeaways

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Tone & Final Thoughts

In true Dr. Becky fashion, the conversation is understanding, non-judgmental, and deeply practical. The tone is warm, empowering, and gently challenging, offering permission to parents to do less and to trust more in their children’s resilience and capability, even when (especially when!) they are “bored.”

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Memorable Closing Thought
“Even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.” — Dr. Becky, [38:13]

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This episode is a must-listen for any parent who’s ever felt guilty, annoyed, or confused about what to do with their child’s boredom—and anyone seeking permission to step off the parent-as-entertainer treadmill.

Transcript

[Dr. Becky]

One thing I see over and over with parents is just how much we're carrying. The data backs this up. Most parents spend nearly every waking hour focused on someone else. So if you feel exhausted, stretched thin.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Or like your brain never really shuts.

[Dr. Becky]

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[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

I'm bored, Mom. I'm so bored, dad, there's nothing to do. It's so boring. Okay, you are not alone if this is so triggering, but also relatively common.

[Dr. Becky]

And yes, our kids are bored more often than we were as kids because.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Their lives are actually so much more stimulating.

[Dr. Becky]

So the situation that leads them to.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Feel bored is just so much more.

[Dr. Becky]

Common because there's so much stuff, so much dopamine, so many activities all around them. I am so excited to completely reframe.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

The discussion around boredom because by the.

[Dr. Becky]

End of today, you're going to start seeing your kids boredom complaints as a.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Good thing, as a sign that you're.

[Dr. Becky]

Doing this parenting thing exactly right. I have brought in Lizzie Asa for this conversation. She is an expert on independent play and boredom, and she breaks down these topics in a way that makes so much sense but also feels totally new and relieving.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

This is a conversation you're going to use right away in your home.

[Dr. Becky]

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

We'll be back right after this. Let's just start with maybe what born is about. Like, what is really happening in this moment. And when you hear a parent talk about their kid who's bored, like, where does your mind start to go?

[Lizzie Asa]

You know, I have to laugh because my own kids will still say to me, like, mom, I'm bored. And every time I'm like, guys, Hi.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Do you know me?

[Lizzie Asa]

But, you know, I think the best. The thing about it is that as a parent, it makes us feel like, am I doing enough? And, you know, my real goal is to really reframe that. For parents of, this is a good thing. This is a good thing. And when you lean into it, it's not just about independent play. It's about relationship, understanding who your kid is, what lights them up, what are they grappling with. And when we reserve that space for boredom, and we as the adult feel anchored and okay with boredom, it lets our kids feel safe in boredom.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

When kids complain about being bored, most parents have an immediate thought, I'm doing something wrong. I'm not doing enough. Or are you kind of saying like, oh, this is my problem to solve. Boredom is a problem to solve versus give me the verses versus what?

[Lizzie Asa]

You know, I think in today's culture, we see it as our job to kind of optimize childhood to make sure we are giving our kids the opportunities that maybe we didn't have, right? We are setting them up for, you know, this enrichment, this, you know, this team sport or whatever, to give them that leg up, right? And for me, I really think about it the opposite way, right? I really think about leaving space for boredom as that's the thing that is giving my child the opportunity and the leg up.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

So is what you're saying, okay, my kid says, I'm bored. Maybe parents are thinking it's true when they say that it feels like an alarm bell. And the only reason something's an alarm bell is if it's a problem to solve. But you're almost saying, lizzie, there's something positive when your kid says, I'm bored. Maybe you're doing something very right as a parent. Like, do I pat myself on the back a little? Okay, so walk me through that. Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yeah, I do. Because to me, it means okay. Like, I see it as my job and for the parents that I work with to schedule in that downtime for play and. And rest in the same way. And I'm not saying don't sign your kid up for soccer. Don't sign your kid up for the enrichment that they love. But I am saying reserve that time to be bored, to play, to rest with the same ferocity that you do for the lessons, right? And so when I do have. When your kid does come to with I'm bored, to me, that says you, Becky, great job. Like, you reserved the time.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

And I think that matters so much because anyone listening, even that simple reframe Makes a big difference. We're always unconsciously looking for signs that we're doing a good job as a parent. Of course. And if you actually think of Onboard as one of those signs, it's, it's harder to be triggered by it. Even if you don't know what to do next, you stop it from being a problem to solve, Right? Yes.

[Lizzie Asa]

And it is, you know, it is triggering. It is still triggering for me. And I research and study and wrote a book about the benefits of boredom. And still I can get that feeling of, should I have signed them up for that extra thing? All their friends are doing this and I'm. And I'm not, you know, so I get it, I get it.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Or do I need to now be the originator of ideas for my kid? And by the way, it's probably one of the reasons we go to bed so exhausted and resentful of our parenting. Cause like we have almost outsourced our kids creative abilities to being our responsibility. Cause okay, I guess I'll. I have to give them this activity or I need to come up with the idea constantly on a treadmill.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yep. But you know, I think when we think back to, you know, we're about the same age and when we go back and think about our own childhoods, you know, there was time, right. To just kind of wander to play. Our parents didn't see it as their job to entertain us. Like they were interested in us.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Sure.

[Lizzie Asa]

But it wasn't all encompassing to them. Right. And so we had time and the repetition to learn how to play, to get really good at being in charge of our own long Saturday afternoons. No one was saying to us, we have this club sport and it's three hours away. And this, we have this here that wasn't happening.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Right. And 13 birthday parties on Saturday. You can eat pizza and cake that many times, but you can, you know.

[Lizzie Asa]

And so we had time to practice playing and get really good at it.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes.

[Lizzie Asa]

And now I want parents to give kids back that childhood, give them back that time.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

And I guess the other thing versus our childhoods is what I often think is the unsaid. Part of the discussion around boredom and screens and independent play is our tolerance for our kids whining. It has to be less than our parents because we're in our phones all. We're not bored that much. I'm always like, well what I can do. Ding, ding, ding. And find such pleasure. Right. So I'm less tolerant of my kids discomfort. Of course.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

And there's just so many More options available to us as parents. Right? Yes. I mean, I imagine saying to my mom as a kid, I'm bored. And I don't think that even like registered to her.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

What am I gonna do about that?

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Like that's a you problem. Yeah, yeah. And a little bit you're reclaiming that there's something in that that's helpful. It is a little bit of our kids problem, at least. It's not. It's not our problem.

[Lizzie Asa]

It's not our problem to solve. There are ways that we can support it. And I think that's also really helpful as a parent. Right?

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes.

[Lizzie Asa]

Because, you know, for me, when my kids come in and say like, I'm bored and you know, and I feel very confident saying, go be bored somewhere else. Because I know that in my home I have set up what I like to call play pockets. I know that they have. There are toys and materials. There are spaces for them to read and be comfortable. They can go outside. I'm very lucky. You know, there are ways for them to entertain themselves. They might not like it. It might be uncomfortable getting from point A to point B. But I know I've done my job, you know. Have you eaten? Yes. Okay. Have we connected today? Okay. Yes. Are there options available to you for you to make into what you need? Yes. Well, once those things are met in my mind, I'm like, okay, now this really is like a you problem to figure out.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Okay. I wanna go through some of those things. I actually wanna start with the last thing. Tell me about the difference between. As a parent, I'm hearing you say this. Have I done my job of kind of making sure there's things set up that you could use? The difference between that and, I don't know, doing the activity or being in charge of delivering the fun. Can you differentiate those?

[Lizzie Asa]

Absolutely. Because when I say, are there things for them to do? I do not mean a craft or a project or a new toy that I am now going to sit with you and do.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

I do. I mean, actually the opposite of that.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

Because I think what happens for a lot of parents is they're like, okay, play, independent play. I need to set up this beautiful sensory bin. Or we are going to make this project that I saw on Instagram and everyone in the family looked so happy doing it together. And then we go to do it in reality and what happens? Everyone's grumpy. The kid, you have now spent time, money, energy, you got excited and your kid engages for two minutes.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

And then they're bored again and you're burnt out.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes. And have less money because you just.

[Lizzie Asa]

Spent all this time and then you're like, see, my kid can't play.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

That's exactly right.

[Lizzie Asa]

Right. When really, for me, when I think about, you know, setting up the environment for play, it means are there materials that reflect their life, things that are interesting to them?

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

So, you know, if you have a child who say, is really into, I don't know, trucks, are there trucks around? You know, are there a few truck books? Are there? You know, did we connect today? Maybe, you know, maybe I went to the supermarket with them, but instead of just like running through my to do list in my head on the way there, I pointed out a couple trucks in the car on the way there. Right. Said, wow, buddy. Like, look at that one. What do you think about that one? What do you notice about that one? Right. So we're putting them as the expert in their interests. Okay. So then later, when they're bored, they have materials, you know, they have some toy trucks or some toy books or maybe some crayons and paper. Maybe they like to draw trucks. You know, whatever it is, maybe they live in New York City and they can look out the window and draw the trucks they see. They get to decide that. Right?

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

Because if you're sitting there saying, today we're going to play about trucks and we're going to make this project that I saw online and first we're going to glue this. Nope, do it this way. That's not them independent playing. Right. That's you just teaching them maybe a skill. But that's not how we're supporting boredom.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

And my guess is it doesn't give the parent the thing that they need over time, which is some amount of time your kid can do something independently, but they're not on a screen. And this is not about screens. And I think you and I are similar to the screen thing. That's fine. But I think every parent I know says it feels like either I have to give my kid an activity or they're on a screen. What I love what you talk about is independent play is. Is a way to get out of that binary.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes. So say more about that.

[Lizzie Asa]

And, you know, I think so much about how your work focuses so much on relationship building. Right. Like at the basis of everything, you're coming back to their relationship. And something I really want parents to understand about play and independent play is that when you support your child in play and you value their play and you take time to Watch them and observe them in their play. You're gonna learn so much about, like, who is my child, what's interesting to them, what are they grappling with?

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah, I have ideas.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yeah.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

I have things to teach other people.

[Lizzie Asa]

And that builds confidence, and it gives them the confidence they need as a little one, you know, to start playing. But then as they're older, you know, I was recently having a conversation with someone who was saying, you know, college kids are really grappling with, you know, making small decisions. They're calling their parents for every reason, like, you know, all of these things. And that makes me think back to. I wonder if those kids had time to play, because I think that kind of resilience is really built on the living room floor at 4.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

I know you and I see similarly about this, but I want to. I want to pull that out a little bit more, because sometimes that leap isn't so obvious to other people. Okay, so it's a kid playing with trucks or maybe a kid who likes to draw freeform, whatever it is. And then we're talking about a college kid who can decide which class to register when they can only pick one, or, you know, wants to know, do I talk to my teacher about this or do I wait? Whatever the decisions are, zoom out from what's happening on the floor that you share often with parents about where play is play. But also, it's so much more. So can you just explain that a little more?

[Lizzie Asa]

Yeah, I would love to. So, you know, our kids especially, I mean, I think about, you know, the parents whose kids are 2, 3, 4, 5, like, the ones who are really still learning those independent play skills. Right. Think of. They don't have a lot of autonomy in their life. Right. But play. Play is a place where kids can create their own world. Right. It is one of the only places that they get to make the decisions. They get to decide what happens and when in the game, Right?

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yep.

[Lizzie Asa]

And oftentimes as parents, we feel it's our job to play with them.

[Dr. Becky]

And.

[Lizzie Asa]

And instead of playing with them, we become the entertainer. Right. Suddenly, we're calling the shots. We're making the duck do this. And instead, I really want to help parents step back from that. And I'm not saying don't play with your kid. I think that's like a huge misnomer. Right. You can play with your kid, but think of your role as less entertainer, less and more mirror, more person who says, like, this is your world.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

You get to make the call. I'm just here Reflecting that back to you. Right. And that's how our kids build those decision making skills. They become people who are like, I have ideas that matter. I can make a mistake and the world doesn't explode. It's okay. Right. And the more they can do that over time, over years, they learn that resilience, it's okay to make a mistake.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah. So I'm gonna get it one more level concrete and tell me this is, you know, an example that resonates. So I'm building with blocks, Magna tiles, whatever it is as a kid. And I think often as a parent, we watch and we think, ooh, steady that foundation. It's gonna fall. And now listen, anyone who says that, let me just be clear, you've not traumatized your kid. Your kid's gonna be fine. Okay? Like, it is not too late. And it's not too late because it's no big deal. We've all said those things. Okay? So we're talking. Yes. Right. And we're actually talking about giving parents freedom to do so much less. Okay. This is a good thing for parents. And it's never too late to experiment with little shift. But I think about the difference between that versus either saying nothing. I don't know, the tower falls. My kid even gets upset and I say, like, ugh, tower fell. Or I usually do this thing around. My kids call it like the wondering face.

[Dr. Becky]

I'm like, I wonder by that bell.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Almost. I felt like it created a, like, wonder container, but I didn't do the wonder filling of the container. I don't know. Does that make sense? Yes.

[Lizzie Asa]

And you, you didn't do the work? You didn't do the work. You just put out the scaffolding for the work.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

And so, you know, oftentimes like, we can get in there and be like, well, if you just do it this way, or build it up here. And again, we're going back to being that entertainer. We're, we're reflecting it back on me.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

But over time, when you have a kid, right, who can build the tower, it falls. Then they get to decide, am I going to build it again? Am I going to melt down? Because that's fine too, you know, like, that's allowed. It's disappointing, you know, am I going to change it? And maybe I would say to them later, you know, when they go into build, hey, I remember yesterday when you were working and that fell, that was so tricky, you know? And again, I'm not going to say it's because, you know, you did this and this and this. Wrong. Try it this way. I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to let them think back to that. Right. They got through it. It wasn't the, you know, and, and maybe today they're going to build it a different way or maybe they're not ready to build it a different way. Because play gives our kids an opportunity to keep repeating something until they've mastered it. They can keep coming at it in a way that makes sense to them.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

I want to actually do something where we think about kids at different ages. Okay, so this is a great example. The difference between saying to a kid when they're, I don't know, 2, 3, 4, 5, here's how you build a tower taller versus I wonder what you could do. Or ooh, I wonder if something isn't as sturdy as it needs to be to make it tower. I always say it's helpful to lead kids a little bit to the well, but let them have this aha moment because they feel so proud. But let's say now an older kid, like, I'd love to trace this, this difference between scaffolding and doing the work for our kids because it really relates to boredom. So where, where do you see this? Give me an example where you see this. Whether it's in play or maybe independent tasks, remembering the water bottle. That's like our four two, three, four five year old example. What about, let's say we're now have kids in elementary school. Right. Where do you see these kind of decisions almost coming up and to lay out for parents, like one pathway and another?

[Lizzie Asa]

Yeah. I mean, you know, when I think about things like, like I was saying, you know, kids are in college and they're struggling to make a decision. Right. And I'm saying, like, this isn't really a college problem. This is a play problem. Right. Because when kids have the opportunity to play a lot, they learn. I can start without someone telling me what to do. And like that alone like that Right. There is a really important skill.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Starting without someone telling them what to do. I mean, it's something I think in the workplace is a dream employee. Not having someone who's waiting to be told what to do, but looks around and is like, oh, I see an opportunity. So again, forget just college. This is a skill for life. Okay, so let's say it's my 5, 6, 7 year old now. They come home, they have a day where they don't have an activity, and they're like, I don't know what to Do I'm bored. Show me two paths. One where you're kind of doing the decision for your kid, and one where you're setting your kid up to be able to be someone who can make those decisions.

[Lizzie Asa]

I mean, I understand a lot of times when kids say, I'm bored, our immediate thing is to start listing. It's either you have all those toys, you have all those toys, and now you're going to tell me you're bored. Right. So there's that, like, resentment thing. Okay. Or we're going to say, okay, well, we could do this. We could do this. We can go here, we can do that.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yep.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yep, we can do that. Or they are going to do that thing right, where they say, then I'm going to give you some chores, you.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Know, like a punishment.

[Lizzie Asa]

We've all kind of done that. Like, I've definitely done that.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

I'll give you things to do. Yeah, I'll give you something to do.

[Lizzie Asa]

But I. You know, I think instead, if we can go back to that scaffolding and saying, like, you are bored and you do have a whole day ahead of you, you're not really used to that. Let's think back for a minute. What's something you did last time you were bored? I remember on Saturday when you were building and you were, you know, creating the structure, and you were really upset to stop building because we had to leave for the birthday party. Do you want me to help you think through what you were working on? Maybe you'll want to do that again. Or maybe you'll come up with a new idea. Yeah, I really like to think of, you know, I'm bored. I don't know what to do more as a bid for connection and less as, give me something to do.

[Dr. Becky]

You know those weeks in winter when.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Everyone just feels on edge? The dark, the cold, the being cooped up, it all. All adds up. Kids are arguing, routines are off, and.

[Dr. Becky]

You catch yourself thinking, okay, we might need a reset look. Nothing fancy or dramatic. Just a little break from the norm. When I feel that way, I check out airbnb. I'll filter for a cozy spot. A living room where we can actually relax. Maybe a snowy view. Maybe a fireplace, if we're lucky. On a recent family trip, that change of scenery made such a difference. Having space to settle in, be together, and step out of our usual routine helped us all reset and breathe a little easier. And something I really appreciate. While we're away, we could host our home on Airbnb so it doesn't sit empty and earns us a little extra income to put toward our next trip. But the thought of handling everything that comes with hosting sounds overwhelming. And that's where Airbnb's co host network comes in. You can hire a vetted local co host to help manage everything from check ins, guest communication and on site support, so each stay runs smoothly. It's a simple, practical way to earn some extra income without adding more to your plate. If you're ready to host but want some support, find a co [e-mail] host.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

So if you lead with a connection, ugh, I hate when I'm bored too. Or ugh, I have those times at the end of the day, or ugh, that's a hard feeling. And then you kind of wonder with your kid, or do you want me to help you remember you're more setting them up to be the type of person who can take initiative rather than when you see the on board after school as my problem to fix. I think this is something that happens with parents a lot. We lock ourselves into the roles we don't want. I don't want my kid to always come to me. It's so annoying, right? Like, they're always coming to me. Why can't they be more independent?

[Lizzie Asa]

It is annoying.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

It is annoying. But sometimes I think there's a reality check. It's like, well, every time my kid is bored, I do fix it for them. So. So I get, yeah, I guess I am locking myself into being entertainer of the year, even though I'm kind of resentful of being entertainer for the year.

[Lizzie Asa]

And I think like, that word resentful is actually such an important piece in this, right? Because the other piece for parents is, you know that when you are the entertainer you are on 247 and when you remove that job from your description, you actually have a lot more time back for yourself so that you can show up as the person you want to be. And also you feel more connected to your child. You really do. You know, oftentimes people will say, gosh, you know, Lizzie, I did everything you said to do and my kid, my kid actually loves playing alone now. And I feel kind of guilty, right? And I think when that happens, they're missing that piece of reconnecting after, right? And so really taking that time, like, what did my kid end up doing when they were bored? And this is, you know, great at any age is to go back and say at the end of the day, hey, remember this morning when you came to me, you were so bored, you didn't know what to do. We thought it through. I saw that you built this. I would love to hear more about that. When you're ready. You know, we're not saying, what did you build? Show me. We're not. Whenever you're ready or I heard those baby dolls crying in the playroom. I wonder what they were sad about. You know, we're not questioning them like they have to tell you, but we just want them to know. Like, you noticed. I noticed you playing. Right. And so then we're doing two things. One, we're saying your play really matters. I notice you, your and your ideas. And also you've got this. Like you did that. You had a problem. We thought it through together. And you and you worked it out.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

And that really reinforces to them for the next time and the next time. And then they really become that kid who's like, I don't want to go with you to wherever because I've got a great idea to play with my magna tiles. They become those kids who race home after school with a really good idea of something that they need paper and tape to work out.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yep. Yeah. And I'm thinking of it as our kids get older. And I know you have older kids. I've, you know, kind of right in the middle where I think about are kids always forgetting the water bottle. And these patterns. There's so many extensions of them that don't explicitly have to do with play. And the difference between every day, here's your water bottle. Here's your water bottle. Even though I'm thinking I don't want to be my kid's water bottle. Remember when he's 18? Right. Even though I keep doing that versus hey, you keep forgetting your water bottle. I wonder what you would need on the wall or somewhere in our house to remember. And I think that binary is something you explained so well around boredom and play in these skills where it's really the binary of fixing our kids problem or creating a container for them to solve their own problems. And the benefits of that. Like when you're no longer your kid's water bottle, remember you do have more time to talk to them about different things because you're not running around your house and depleted all the time.

[Lizzie Asa]

And you end up with a kid who knows deep down I can be in charge of my water bottle. And if I forget and if you know, it's still okay, like it's not the end of the world. Or maybe my teacher is annoyed at me because I forgot my violin and that's okay too, because I can learn how to advocate for myself. And it's not in the way of saying to your kid, well, you forgot. So now you deal with it. It's not like that. It's saying, like, gosh, you know, you did forget your violin. Is there a way I can support you to remember your violin?

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes.

[Lizzie Asa]

And also saying, how did you manage that? You know, like, what did that feel like for you? Yeah, Right. You're in it with them. You're walking next to them. And that's what I want parents to understand about play. You walk next to them and figuring it out. But it belongs to them. It's not our job to create the magic of play. That belongs to them.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

And I think you're also saying your approach is, that's in them.

[Dr. Becky]

It's actually in them.

[Lizzie Asa]

It's inherent in who they are as people.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

They have interests, they have a drive for autonomy. They are so creative.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah. So I'm thinking about the parents listening who says this, okay, this, this all resonates. And my kid isn't two or five anymore and they're constantly looking for me for entertainment. How do I, you know, how do I shift the front of the ship a little bit? What are some things, knowing the whining, the protests, the you used to do this for me is kind of coming, Coming their way.

[Lizzie Asa]

I would be really upfront with, say, my 7 year old. Right. I am your partner in this. Like, let's figure this out together. Right. Every day you keep coming home and you know, I work from home and, and I'm working and you come in and you really want to go on the iPad because you're not sure what to do. And like, I get that. Right. Because sometimes when I don't know what to do, I go on my phone. Right? So, like, I get that. Right. So right there, we're not saying, like, you're bad for coming to me or you, you should know what to do. We're not saying that. We're saying, like, I see you, I get it. Like, it happens to me too. Right. And then I would say, and I really want to help you make a change in this because there's a lot of afternoons that could feel really good. You have so many good ideas. There's so many important things about you that you deserve time to work on, and I want to help you work on those. Right? So let's think about, like, what kind of things would you. If you were in charge in the afternoon, what would you be doing? You Know, and really. And even if it gets like crazy and fantastical, you're not going to jump in with, well, no, we can't do that because you're really going to go to that place with them. Right. Like, let them fantasize about it because it's a window for you to see in. Right. And then does that mean you have to go out and buy 50 craft kits and say yes to the iPad? No, but it does mean that you're gonna say, okay, like, it sounds like you really like art, you know, and, you know, we have a lot of markers and stuff in the cabinet, but, you know, they are kind of hard to get to. And when you do try to pull down the paper, everything comes crashing down. So, you know, that is what I like to call a barrier to play. Right. So for me, as an adult, I'm not gonna see it as my job to go out and buy materials. I am gonna see it as my job to the barrier to them getting started. So that might mean, let's try saying tomorrow when you come home, I'm gonna put out on the table just like some paper and some of those markers that you got for your birthday last year. And maybe some stickers. Like, what kind of stickers do you think? Like, we have that, you know, And I'm gonna put those out on the table and have a snack with them. Right. I'm gonna connect with them.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

Before I ask them to do something on their own.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yep. And so first of all, I just love that step by step. And the other thing I wanna add is your kid won't come home and say, this is such a better afternoon than the iPad. Thank you for that setup. I love this invitation to play. They will not. I feel like most kids, if they're not used to that, will whine.

[Lizzie Asa]

They will.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Or they'll just say, I have an idea. You could just let me be in my iPad. What do I want to do? Be in my iPad all day. And it's so important not to see that as a failure, but as a actually totally predictable step.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Like if I was in a stage of eating, like, I don't know, just Kit Kats and Reese's every day as my snack. And I was like, I want to make a shift. This isn't like so great for my long term energy, Energy, whatever. And I had, I don't know, whatever else out. Like, I can't expect that I'd be like, oh, I'm so happy for these carrots and hummus. No, of course not. Okay. We all. We all want the thing that's easiest and most dopamine giving with the least amount of effort. It's just how our brains work. And so it's a little bit, I think, of a fight and just want to normalize that. That is part of the process.

[Lizzie Asa]

You know what? And it is our child's job to push back. We want kids who push back. I want my kids, when they feel uncomfortable, to speak up. Right? Yeah. And sometimes that's messy and annoying and uncomfortable. But so something that I usually tell parents to do is to sort of play that out in your head, like, okay, I'm gonna take that extra 10 minutes to put out the markers and the, you know, whatever. And my kid is probably going to do it for two minutes because they're not used to this.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Because it's new.

[Lizzie Asa]

It's new and they're practicing and they're learning, right? Yes. So maybe what do they need? Maybe I should set it up next to me at my desk. Right. Maybe they want, you know, I can say, like, I can't talk to right now, but you can do your work while I'm doing mine.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yep.

[Lizzie Asa]

Right. Maybe that co regulation is going to be something next to each other as you're learning something new. And I might even say, like, you're learning something new. And sometimes it helps to be next to someone when you're doing it. Do you want to work next to me at my desk?

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

That's exactly right. And again, does that mean the first time they're going to do it? No, they will. You should probably do it when you have a fake meeting, knowing that your kid's going to be poking you the entire time, you're like, good thing I had my fake meeting today, you know, because I have to scaffold this totally new skill. One thing I want parents to think about, because I think it's a big part of it when we make any shift. And I recently did this live event in our good inside community where this was so powerful, where I said, when you're making a shift in your family rhythms or your kind of family routines and you kind of know your kid's gonna be upset, we all focus on. Then my kid freaks out. But before you tell your kid the decision, maybe now we're gonna do markers or instead of write to iPad, how much certainty and conviction do you have in your own decision? And you know what the first response in the zoom was? Zero. Right. And everyone kind of slow.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

And we're always looking, you know, for confirmation that we were right and our kids are gonna give it to us.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Right?

[Lizzie Asa]

So we right away are like, see, I knew they couldn't do it.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Well, that's exactly right. And this is why I just wanna add here that anyone listening who's thinking, that's gonna be so hard, my kid's gonna freak out.

[Lizzie Asa]

This sounds too perfect.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

No, you're right. Like it's gonna be hard. Any change is hard. The thing that we don't focus on enough, I think is we need to have conviction. Not that it's gonna be easy. We have to have conviction in a shift in family rhythms that we think it's long term gonna be better for everyone before we do it. Because if not, we're gonna say it like this. Don't you think, don't you think it's better to do markers after school? And I always picture a five year old being like, are you consulting me? Am I supposed to make you feel better here? And then they out in part because they're kind of being asked to do our job.

[Lizzie Asa]

And also when you have a kid who's not used to a blank piece of paper and markers, like they don't know what to do. Right. And so something that's really helpful for parents is to, before you make this shift, take a day or two and just jot down, you know, what does my kid talk about a lot? Even if it's like their favorite TV show. Yeah, that counts.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Lizzie Asa]

Their favorite video game. That counts. Right. And so how can I support their interest in whatever I'm offering them? Right. Because that is sort of a path and a way in. Instead of just giving them something blank and saying go for it.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Right. Which I'd panic about.

[Lizzie Asa]

Right. So instead I might set, you know, like if I have a kid, parents who say, like, well, my kid doesn't build with blocks and they're not going to sit there, you know, with these little wooden blocks and. And I'm like, you're right. They're not right. They're not right. But if you're going to give them some wooden blocks with their favorite bluey figures or something that is connected to them, something they're already thinking about, something that's important to them and they can work those themes out in real life, that's how you're gonna hook them in.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

That's right. And this is where the lack of rigidity is helpful. So many times what our kids are interested in in an online game or a show can give us insight into the very areas they can play more independently. So I love that.

[Lizzie Asa]

I mean, my daughter, who's 12 now, when she was little, she was obsessed with Paw Patrol. Okay. I mean, obsessed. Right. And that didn't mean I went out and bought every Paw Patrol tower and toy and whatever. But you know what I did do? I invested in a lot of those little mini Paw Patrol figurines, and we brought rewear.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yep.

[Lizzie Asa]

They came in the playroom because they paired so well with her. They gave her an in.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

To build, to play, to draw. They gave her something to talk about when she felt awkward at a family function. They gave her something to do in the restaurant when her food wasn't coming. And, you know, she was three. And so, you know, a snack was a very big deal.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes.

[Lizzie Asa]

You know, and so you really want to think, like, what is something that my kid loves? It doesn't have to be something that you see as, you know, some very important big theme. It's literally as simple as the Paw Patrol figure.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Yes. Thank you for that. Okay, I want to end with a rapid fire round all around these themes. You ready?

[Dr. Becky]

Okay.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

People need to understand this about boredom.

[Lizzie Asa]

Boredom is safe and a good thing.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Love that. What's something you've learned about yourself in your adult moments of boredom?

[Lizzie Asa]

Yeah. I need more of them. I need to car. I talk a lot about other people carving out times for boredom for their kids. And as a grown up, I need to practice what I preach.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Thank you for the honesty.

[Lizzie Asa]

Yes.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

A phrase, idea, belief, mantra you come back to around boredom.

[Lizzie Asa]

Boredom is a place where my kids can really have time and space to understand who they are and feel comfortable being with themselves.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Beautiful. If every parent could remember one thing about independent play, what would it be?

[Lizzie Asa]

It looks different for all kids, and so many things count that you might not think do.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Great. One thing to not say to a kid who's bored and one thing that's.

[Lizzie Asa]

Often helpful to say, something that's helpful to say is to really reflect back to them is it's hard when you're not sure what to do.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Lizzie Asa]

And something that's probably not helpful is listing off a bunch of activities.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Thank you. Thank you for your work for this really important book. So excited for more parents to get.

[Lizzie Asa]

It in their homes. Thank you for having me.

[Dr. Becky]

There are three main takeaways I am.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Still thinking about from this episode, and I wanted to share them with you. Number one, tolerating our kids boredom starts with our reaction to their boredom. I know that's hard to hear, but I always think, wait, that's a Good thing. Change starts with something under my control. That's actually very empowering. Number two, my kid being bored is a sign I'm doing a good job as a parent. I'm sorry, can we all pat ourselves on the back for that? It's not a sign I'm not doing enough.

[Dr. Becky]

It's a sign that I'm actually trying to protect some amount of time for my kid when they are not stimulated externally, when they are not given an activity, when they actually are trying to.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

Figure out something inside themselves in terms.

[Dr. Becky]

Of their own creativity, their own ideas, their own independence.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

And three, play is actually a really important thing for our kids to be successful adults. Play is play. But I also love what Lizzie said.

[Dr. Becky]

That this is where kids are building skills. It's where they're taking risks and learning.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

How to deal with struggles. It's where they develop initiative, taking an idea and putting it into a state of action that's amazing and will make me protect play in a very different way.

[Dr. Becky]

Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, place.

[Co-host (possibly a parent or podcast host)]

A hand on your heart, and let's.

[Dr. Becky]

Remind ourselves even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. Screens are part of our lives now, and that includes our kids. At the same time, a lot of parents I talk to notice how easily they can get in the way of connection. And honestly, that tension shows up in our homes every day. Mine too. That's why I'm really drawn to something called the Reset, a national movement from Outward Bound USA to help young people live healthier, more connected lives through time outdoors and balanced digital habits. The idea is simple and powerful. One day, 24 hours to unplug from screens and reconnect with your kids, with other people, with the world around you. The Reset day is Saturday, January 24th. And what unplugging looks like is totally up to you. Maybe it's a family walk, a game night time outside, or just being together without phones nearby. If that sounds like something your family could use, you can sign the pledge and make a commitment to one day of real connection at thereset.org that's the-reset.org because unplugging isn't about what you're giving up, it's about what you get back.