Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Episode: Why Habits Feel Hard with Charles Duhigg
Date: January 6, 2026
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Charles Duhigg (Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, author of The Power of Habit and Super Communicators)

Overview

This episode is a timely deep-dive into the science of habits and effective communication, especially in the context of parenting and family life. Dr. Becky and Charles Duhigg explore why habits can feel so difficult to establish and maintain, how understanding the mechanics of habits can empower both parents and children, and what makes for truly powerful interpersonal communication. Rather than shaming or pressuring listeners, the conversation offers encouraging, research-driven insights and practical tips.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Habits Feel Hard: The Power of Clarity Over Confusion

• Habits are not “one thing” — they are a loop of three components:

  • Cue: A trigger or signal that initiates a behavior.
  • Routine: The behavior/activity itself.
  • Reward: The benefit received, often subconscious.
    (06:41–07:25)
  • Quote: “We think of a habit as being one thing, but actually a habit is made up of three different parts. The first part is that there's a cue...then the routine...and then the reward.” — Charles Duhigg (04:55)

• Empowerment through Understanding:

  • Many feel powerless around habits, but understanding their structure can restore agency.
    • Quote: “There are things in your life that feel out of your control, that are incredibly within your control once you understand them.” — Charles Duhigg (03:06)
  • Dr. Becky highlights how simply gaining clarity—even before anything changes—can bring hope and energy.
    (04:05, 50:50)

2. Parenting Habits: Cues, Routines, and Rewards in Action

• Real-life example: Dr. Becky’s challenge with her son remembering to pick up his towel.

  • Solution: Encourage the child to create his own cue (a Post-It note), take responsibility for the routine, and receive an emotional reward (appreciation/acknowledgment).
  • Quote: “The most powerful rewards are always emotional rewards... Emotional rewards are anywhere from 10 to 100 times more powerful than material rewards.” — Charles Duhigg (10:08)
  • Dr. Becky reflects: “You feel the difference—even if the intervention is the same—when you do something to a child vs. for a child.” (12:14)

• Negative Rewards vs. Punishment:

  • Instead of punishment, offer an opportunity to repair (e.g., asking a child to return and clear their plate).
  • Quote: “We should think of it as a negative reward... an opportunity to repair the situation in a way that is meaningful to you.” — Charles Duhigg (11:03)

• Recognizing Rewards:

  • When children (or adults) identify a reward for themselves, it's far more effective.
  • Quote: “Recognizing a reward as a reward actually makes it more rewarding.” — Charles Duhigg (15:32)

3. Emotional Safety: The Tension-Removing Reward

• Power of Tension Relief:

  • Greatest emotional rewards come from relieving tension or uncertainty—helping children feel protected and not alone, even if they resist in the moment.
  • Quote: “Within the emotional rewards, there's actually one kind... more powerful than anything else, and that is relieving tension.” — Charles Duhigg (19:05)

• Not About Removing Sadness:

  • Important distinction: Removing “tension” isn’t about eliminating sadness or healthy negative emotion, but about easing uncertainty or distress that serves no purpose.
    (20:10–20:53)
  • Dr. Becky: “We can't often remove the hard, but we can remove the alone.” (21:29)

4. Super Communication: The Matching Principle

• Three Types of Conversations:

  • Practical (problem-solving or planning)
  • Emotional (empathy, feelings)
  • Social (status, identity, belonging)
  • Quote: “When you're having a discussion with someone, you think you know what that discussion is about...but actually...you are having multiple different kinds of conversations.” — Charles Duhigg (25:40)

• Matching Conversation Types:

  • Key to connection is having the same kind of conversation at the same time.
  • If one partner is on “emotional,” and the other is on “practical,” disconnection ensues.
  • Quote: “Successful communication requires having the same kind of conversation at the same moment.” — Charles Duhigg (26:56)

• Practical Example (Couples):

  • Scenario: Partner late for bath time, resulting in emotional needs not being recognized because both partners are speaking different “languages.”
  • Quote: “These two people are having completely different conversations, and as a result, they're making each other angrier and crazier.” — Charles Duhigg (28:36)
  • Dr. Becky: “It’s like trying to speak Mandarin to someone speaking Spanish—no language is superior, but you have to be talking the same language.” (27:28)

• Building the Bridge:

  • The first person to switch to the “language” of the other creates connection and enables moving into practical problem-solving.
    (30:19–31:54)

5. Kid Communication Meltdowns: Escalation vs. Looping for Understanding

• Children’s Dramatic Language:

  • When a child says, “We never do anything fun!” after a fun-filled day, it’s their way of expressing lack of agency/restlessness, not an indictment of their parent.
  • Quote: “The words coming out of their mouth often don’t tell us what they’re really saying.” — Charles Duhigg (34:26)

• Looping for Understanding:

  • Step 1: Ask curious, “deep” questions about values/experience.
  • Step 2: Reflect back, in your own words, what you heard.
  • Step 3: Ask if you understood correctly.
  • Quote: “If you’re feeling furious, get curious... ask more questions... looping for understanding.” — Charles Duhigg (34:47, 36:06)

• Escalation is Often a Sign of Not Being Understood:

  • “We all escalate the expression of our communication when we don't feel believed at the core, all of us.” — Dr. Becky (37:23)

6. Habits of Thought and Cognitive Routines

• Pausing to See the Good:
  • The small habit of reminding oneself “this is a good kid having a bad moment” helps parents take a breath and respond more constructively. (39:38)
  • Quote: “These little habits that we can develop that get us—it’s a good kid having a bad moment—just slows us down enough to remember who we are and what we actually want to do.” — Charles Duhigg (40:26)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:55] — Explaining How Habits Work (cue, routine, reward)
• [08:53] — Dr. Becky’s towel example: Creating cues and emotional rewards
• [10:08] — Why emotional rewards are so powerful
• [12:14] — Distinction between punishment and negative reward
• [19:05] — Relieving tension as the most powerful reward
• [21:29] — Removing “alone,” not the emotion, in parenting
• [25:40] — Three types of conversations and the “matching principle”
• [28:36] — Breakdown of common couple communication failure
• [34:26] — Translating kids’ escalated words
• [36:06] — Looping for understanding technique
• [37:23] — Why escalation happens: not feeling heard
• [40:26] — Cognitive habits: pausing to assume the best
• [42:34] — Charles’ own parenting challenge: shifting from problem-solver to peer
• [43:08] — Super communicators ask more (and deeper) questions
• [44:41] — Questions as roads for connection
• [45:48] — When “delivering knowledge” backfires; importance of self-discovery
• [46:42] — Teaching kids how to think, not what to think
• [49:05] — What Charles hopes his kids say about him (“He always thought I was the greatest...”)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“There are things in your life that feel out of your control, that are incredibly within your control once you understand them.”
— Charles Duhigg (03:06)

“The most powerful rewards are always emotional rewards. If, when you notice him picking up the towel, you say, ‘I’m so proud of you. Like, you’re becoming such a mature young man.’ That is like gold.”
— Charles Duhigg (10:08)

"You feel the difference—even if the intervention is the same—when you do something to a child vs. for a child."
— Dr. Becky (12:14)

“Successful communication requires having the same kind of conversation at the same moment.”
— Charles Duhigg (26:56)

“If you’re feeling furious, get curious.”
— Charles Duhigg (34:40)

“We all escalate the expression of our communication when we don’t feel believed at the core, all of us.”
— Dr. Becky (37:23)

"These little habits that we can develop that get us—it’s a good kid having a bad moment—just slows us down just enough to remember who we are and what we actually want to do."
— Charles Duhigg (40:26)

“The best communicators are simply people who think a little bit more about communication, who think to themselves, how could I have made that better? That’s it.”
— Charles Duhigg (40:44)

“My dad made me feel like the most important person on earth who could do anything. And it's actually true. I mean, I think they [my kids] can do anything and hopefully they know that.”
— Charles Duhigg (49:44)

Practical Takeaways for Listeners

• View habits as loops: Focus on clarifying or shifting cues and rewards rather than only the routine itself.
• Use emotional rewards: Verbal acknowledgment matters more than material incentives.
• Teach children how habits work by involving them in shaping their own cues and routines.
• Focus on “repair” not “punishment” to encourage learning and connection.
• Practice the matching principle in communication: Pause to check if you and your child/partner are having the same type of conversation.
• Loop for understanding: Ask deeper questions, reflect back, and get confirmation.
• Remember: Skills > Shame — Communication and habits are learned, not inborn. Give yourself grace.

Episode Tone & Closing Thoughts

The episode is warm, validating, and hopeful. Both Dr. Becky and Charles Duhigg offer evidence-based advice in a way that feels entirely doable. The message: you're not doomed by your past or personality; understanding the science of habits and clear communication can make family life less fraught, more connected, and more empowering for everyone.

Dr. Becky’s personal takeaway (50:50):
“When Charles said, ‘It’s just that people don’t understand how habits work,’ it was so relieving... Maybe it’s not willpower. Maybe it’s not that something’s wrong with me or my kid. Maybe it’s just as simple as there’s something I don’t understand. There’s a lot of people in this world who could help me understand.”

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