← Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Why Imaginative Play Matters (and Why It’s Okay if It Feels Hard)
00:25:39
Dr. Becky shares why imaginative play fuels kids’ growth, how to spark wonder, and why it’s normal for parents to struggle with play.
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What if the way that we think about building confidence, capability, problem solving skills is all wrong? Or at least, what if we think those skills come from one place, from a classroom, from a book, from worksheets, when actually they often come from the place where we're often triggered, where we think it's really unimportant and childlike? What place is that? Play. Imaginative play. Now, let me be clear. I'm just going to start by telling you imaginative play is not natural for me. I have a lot of judgment in my head. This seems like a waste of time. I don't want to be doing this. I have things to do. So if that's your reaction, I promise you this episode is actually going to really resonate because I have been on my own journey around imaginative play that started from. From a place of judgment, from feeling like it was kind of frivolous and, frankly, annoying. But I've learned a lot. And it's not to say I've completely overcorrected and in no way is imaginative play natural and always enjoyable for me. But I know it's worth talking about. And there's gonna be a lot in this episode that I think really resonates with you and actually makes things feel possible instead of just too far from where your baseline. Dr. Becky. And this is good inside. We'll be back right after this. Okay. Can I tell you the truth? The term imaginative play has actually always been kind of stressful for me as a parent. It's almost like I look at each of my kids and I used to think, who's good at that? Which of my kids is good at imaginative play and which of my kids? It's just not for them. They just are not so imaginative. They're not so playful. And I used to think about playing this way, but then something shifted. See, my three kids are very different from each other. And it's true. One or two of them, they're definitely a little more likely to naturally engage in imaginative play. Whereas my other kid, I think of him as a little more linear. He likes board games, he likes rules. And kids who love board games and rules and outcome, they tend to be comforted by control, which is kind of the opposite of imaginative play. But here's when I started to rethink things. One of my kids who likes control, who likes linearity, started to want to make up his own games. Now, that was very different from one of my kids who wanted to always do art and draw new signs and create new new villages and get animals and babies to kind of participate in this world and have me join in. But I started to see that both of those are imaginative play. And then I had my third kid, who is completely different from my other two. He loves feeling capable. He or then either my other kids. I just can't explain it. He loves being in the real world. He wants to have a job. He wants to use a vacuum. He actually does want to clear the table and feel like he's kind of an adult. Well, you know what he started to love to do? Play fire person, Play teacher, Play ambulance worker. And I realized that it wasn't so much that one of my kids was good at imaginative play or prone to imaginative play. Each of my kids are different, and for each of them, they each have a window in which they can engage in imaginative play. And when I started realizing that, my whole perspective toward play changed. It wasn't about being good at it. It was actually about seeing how important play is for every kid. But maybe getting a little bit more creative and honestly, a little bit more personalized Based on what I knew about each of my kids, so the world of play could open to them. Okay, so what does that mean for you? As we really talk about play and imagination, I want you to watch for the voice that probably comes up for you first. It's the voice that used to come up for me first. I would start to think about which kid this applies to and almost feel a little judgment or loss about one of my kids or two of my kids where, oh, this just doesn't apply. They're not good at imaginative play. Watch for that voice. When we know it's coming, it won't take over. And now we can kind of play around with a new voice. What do I know about my kid? What are they drawn to? What feelings do they really like having? Because once we start there, we now have a foundation where every kid can engage in play, and then the opportunities are much more endless. So if you're like most parents and honestly, like me, it can be really easy to see imaginative play as frivolous as, literally, child's play. Almost like a waste of time. I mean, hello, we live in the real world. In the real world, you have to get real things done. There are outcomes, There are rules, There is progress you have to make. And so when you see your kid playing and they want you to join in, and they're like, come on, let's go be a princess. And you're thinking, that's not even a real thing. I have to do the dishes. And by the Way you can be helping me clean up your room. I get it. It can feel annoying. It can feel triggering. I was like, who is my kid to think they should be spending time playing in a fantasy world? But I have learned, probably the hard way, something so different about imaginative play. I have seen how my kids have built so many real world skills only through imaginative play. I've watched my kids play with their friends. Ooh, I want to build a police station. No, I don't want to build a police station. I want to build a new world where people are flying around. And then I remember the moment I heard, not my kid, unfortunately, my kid's friend say, hold on a second. If there's a world where people are flying around, what if someone goes somewhere dangerous? We might need a police station to help everyone feel safe. And then all of a sudden, the imaginative play is a way to solve a problem, to compromise, to come up with something completely new. Do you know what I see every day here at Good Inside where I work? People feeling stumped. How are we going to do this? I don't think this is possible. You know what I see every day with my kids in school? Oh, what am I going to write about as an essay topic? How can I solve this math problem? What do I know? Is there any way to put information together in a way I've never put it together before? That's not a skill you actually learn in a worksheet or through linearity or through a pop quiz. That's a skill that's been cultivated in play and then translates to the real world. So the next time you see your kid really diving into their imagination again, let's not judge our first voice. Even if our first voice is, oh, this feels annoying. My guess is that probably comes from the fact that our parents, who were doing the best they could with what they had, might have judged our imaginative play when we were younger. But I want you to then hear the second voice that just says something simple, important. Imagination is a skill. Imagination is a muscle. I actually want my kid to build. So here's something interesting. According to a study done by Plato, 71% of parents say their kids are less imaginative than they used to be. Why is this? Well, there could be a multitude of reasons, but here's the stuff that comes to mind. There's something going on in our world where we are crowding out wonder. We are crowding out wonder. I'm saying it again because it's a word that I think has this, like, evocative feel for all of us but is starting to feel further and further away. Think about our childhoods. There was probably time when we were bored, right? It's almost like the dirty word of 2025, childhood bored. We didn't have anything to do and there was no immediate gratification or entertainment. There were no iPads, right? There was no quick fix. So you know what you and I did? Wondered wonder what I could do. I wonder what I could build. I wonder if my sister would play this game with me. I wonder if there's other kids on the block. I wonder if I should knock on someone's door. I wonder what I could draw. I wonder even though I have played with this set of toys a million times, if I could create something I've never created before. Wonder comes from boredom. Wonder comes from space. Wonder comes from that in between kind of moment when we just finish something and we don't yet have another activity to do. Now let me just get myself off this soapbox. My kids happen to be fairly over scheduled. I don't want you to think I live some life where I'm just like, ooh, building in wonder and imagination all the time. And my kids have no after school activities because they just love creating. Part of me hears. And I think, you know what, it's a good note to myself to create a little bit more time for that. But I think it's just so easy to fill up our kids days with so many things they consume where the activity and the entertainment is outside in, which leaves very little room to develop the muscle of imagination that's really very inside out. Now. No fear mongering here, no guilt. I'm not saying you and I are horrible parents, but maybe this sparks for you something. Sparks for me. What would it be like to have a Saturday morning where we carve out time for wonder and imagination? Where I say to everyone the night before tomorrow there's going to be no iPads and you know what? There's no birthday parties or soccer games on the calendar. We're gonna do something different. We're gonna have some amount of time, whatever feels right to you, to just kind of figure out what to do. We're gonna look at some of the toys we have some of those blocks, some of those crayons. I'm gonna put my phone away too. I wonder what we'll do. I wonder what we'll come up with. Let's sleep on it. Let's see now I know what you might be thinking are kids. I'm bored. Whines are triggering And I think in part they're triggering because we think that our kids are saying to us in those moments, you're not being a good parent. You're not entertaining me, you're not making me happy. You're not giving me the stimulation I need. I think in today's world, though, stimulation isn't really the problem. Stimulation is an excess, that blank space that kind of carved out time for wonder, boredom. It's not a problem to solve. It's a portal where imagination and wonder are developed. And if we don't kind of hold some boundaries to kind of say, this is time for wonder and imagination and play, it is so easy in 2025 to just have years go by and completely miss out on that type of opportunity. Now, here's the thing this really makes me think about because my first thought is, oh my goodness. And I'm going to do that Saturday morning of kind of a boredom block. A one hour time period where I am blocking out boredom. Because I know it's the portal into creativity, because I know it's the feeling you have before you build imagination and wonder. There's no prizes. Like, my kids are going to complain because they are used to so much dopamine and so much overstimulation all the time. But here's the other side of the equation. Wait, I can do less. I don't have to plan another activity. I don't have to run to the store before Saturday morning and buy some new kit. I don't have to plan some, I don't know, crazy new baking activity that I don't really want to do. I can just tell myself my job, my doing a good job as a parent is actually turning down the volume on activity is kind of turning down the volume of stimulation. Yes, I'm going to have to tolerate my kids complaining because my kids complaint are kind of their way of just saying to me, this is new. My body isn't so familiar with this. And you know what? Our bodies all react big time to new situations. It's just evolution. It's a way of saying, this is unfamiliar, but if I know to expect it and if I know I can tolerate it, which we can, because we are sturdy pilots through the turbulence. I'm going to make my life so much easier for all the Saturdays to come. Because you know the best moment as a parent is when you're sitting on a Saturday morning and you're drinking coffee, your kids are awake and they're not asking you for something to do and they're not telling you. They are bored, and they're not demanding their iPad. Now, I'm no fool. Am I saying I want you to have one Saturday morning where you carve out time for some boredom, imagination. The next Saturday, you are drinking that coffee for an hour while your kids play with cardboard. No, it's not gonna happen. But I do believe in a path. I do believe that we can actually make progress more quickly than we think. It's not overnight, and it's not a week. It's always longer than we want it to be. But I promise you, if you believe in this and if you believe in the power of imagination and wonder and. And being less stimulated some of the time. So you have to look internally and rely on your own internal resources to figure out something to do. All I'm saying is you can get there. You can and you will one day. Not in a week, but I think it'll be shorter than a few months. Have at least a few sips of coffee while you're sitting down thinking, oh, my goodness, I worked hard to get here, but my kids now are able to to play in a more imaginative, independent way. And you'll be really proud of that moment when it comes. All right, you submitted so many good questions about boredom and imagination and play and wonder, so let's get to them first. Anytime I leave open time, it's constant I'm bored whining, and it drives me crazy. How can I move past that? Okay, here's one of my favorite things to do with parents. Let's take a question and shift the question instead of trying to find an answer. Here's what I mean. How can I move past the onboard whining? I actually think that's an impossible question. I don't know. It's kind of like saying, my kid can't swim yet. How do I move past the period when they can't swim? I don't know if we can move past it. I think an upgraded question is, how should I show up during that period? How do I show up when my kid can't swim yet? How can I show up when my kid is whining when they're bored so I can support their inherent ability to play even if they're not there yet? So let's answer that question. Your job is not to make the whining stop. Your job is not to rush your kid out of their onboard complaints. And I know a part of you might be thinking, I know that's not my job. But often in the moment, the reason it feels so Impossible is unconsciously. We think it is. That's why it gets to us. Right? Ugh. I have to show my kid all the art supplies we have. They know there's art supplies. I have to tell my kid why it's a good idea that they don't have an activity. Don't have to justify it. If you kind of take the pressure off, you have something actually much simpler. Validate your kids experience and reflect back your sense of their capability. Oh, you're bored. I get it. You know, when I have a break in my day, that's often the first thing I feel too. You're just connecting. You're kind of saying you're real and you're not alone. And then the second part really matters. I have a feeling at some point, I don't know when you're gonna think of something to do or. You know, sometimes when we're really, really bored and that's the loudest voice in our head, kind of is so loud we can't hear a different voice in us that has a creative idea. I think that's what's happening now. I wonder what will happen when that I'm bored voice gets a little quieter. I don't know when it will. Maybe not even today. I have a feeling you'll have a lot of creative ideas somewhere in there. Now, after that, you pause. I know what you're thinking. Then what? Your kid is not going to reward you. You're going to do this beautiful intervention and your kid's not going to say, you know what? Mom, dad? That's exactly what I needed to hear. I think I'm going to go build a rocket ship. No, they're going to keep whining. That's okay. I promise you. When you see their reality and you also see their inherent capability, and then you pause and know the boredom is not your problem to fix, something will shift. Okay, next question. Sometimes I overhear my son's pretend play, and honestly, it scares me a little. He'll talk about being hurt or hurting others. Is this a red flag or a normal part of play? I love this question. Well, let's just start with this. What is play? Play is this really interesting world for kids. Honestly, play is a really interesting world for us adults. A lot of us have just kind of forgotten that we can still use it. What I mean is that play is this world that is close to us but is also not real. And in that way, it is the perfect world to try things on, to wonder about things, to, you know this phrase, Play Things out. I wonder how that would play out. If you think about that phrase inherently, what we're saying is play is a space where I can try new things. And actually doing something in play tends to decrease our need to do it in the real world. Because we're learning now. That doesn't mean there aren't flags. If this is repeated. If you feel like there's something violent or toxic, you can always step in. Oh, that's becoming a little much. I'm going to step in here. Let's figure out how to play with those tractors in a different way. But what you can also do before that is wonder. You can wonder around your kids play. Oh, that tractor's so much bigger than the other one. It's crash, crash, crashing into it. Huh? Oh, does the big tractor like that? Oh, it does. Why? Oh, the little tractor's been taking a lot of its toys. I'm making this up, but this stuff will come out. And you're like, that's interesting. My child has been struggling with his little brother taking his toys. Right? And now all of a sudden, you have a way to actually try to make sense of what's going on and maybe even redirect a little bit. I get the big tractor is angry. I would, too. You know what? I'm also guessing the tractor's parents are going to be right here saying, you're allowed to be mad, and you can't hit little tractor. How can you tell little tractor, that you sometimes want your toys for yourself because you're allowed to have that. And now because you inquired about play and you let yourself wonder and enter into play, you know what's happening. You're actually building coping skills for real life. That's a win for everyone. All right, let's get to the last question. I know play is important, and I actually even know that play is an opportunity for me to connect to my kid and better understand my kid. But I just feel so awkward playing. Something always holds me back. Is something wrong with me? What can I do? I hear this all the time from parents. And, you know, this actually compelled me to do something I never even thought about. But is really so important to think about play as a skill. I mean, if your parents never got on the floor and made voices and entered into play with you, pause for a moment. See your reaction. And if your reaction is, yeah, that is definitely not what was happening, why would play feel natural or even fun for you? Now, good inside members, I do have one of my favorite workshops, how to Play, where I talk about building this skill. So if you're a member, definitely search for that. Check it out. It's really fun. And I will just say to everyone listening, nothing's wrong with you. Your struggle around play is a story from your past. What I know about you is you were not born as a baby feeling awkward with play. That's not a thing. And so your awkwardness tells a story that it must have been adaptive to shut down play. You must have learned play is almost dangerous. Nobody likes to play in this family. It will get me in trouble. It will get me a look of, that's not what we do. That's a waste of time. And I know this might sound odd, but maybe start by just taking a moment, putting a hand on your heart, and saying thank you. Thank you to the part of me that shut down play. That was probably important for a lot of years in my life. And just the fact that I want to do it with my kid, that maybe I'm going to try to push past some of that awkwardness or just tolerate it, that says a lot about me. That's cycle breaking. That is brave. And I am a pretty amazing parent for being willing to put myself in that place. All right, I want to kind of wrap things up. We talked about a lot of things, and even though this episode was about play, it's interesting. It felt really deep, really meaningful, really substantial. And I hope it felt like that to you, too, because I think that's kind of the point. Play is where kids learn. It's where they learn how to be confident. It's where they learn to try new things. It's where they learn that it's okay to fail. It's where they can try on new parts, like being a leader. It's where they have a space to wonder and build the very important muscle of imagination, which is actually a big part of problem solving. Now, we also know that play might not come naturally for you. The only thing that ever comes naturally in parenting is how we were parented. And so if you don't have a natural instinct to play, all that tells me is what has happened up to this point. And your past is not your destiny. And it's never too late, never too late to learn how to play. It's never too late to learn how to play as an adult. It's never too late to be a little bit more playful with your kid. And it is never too late to open up just a little bit more space during the week or on a weekend for boredom, imagination, and wonder. Let's end by placing your feet on the ground and placing a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside. I can't wait to see you next week. Thank you, Play Doh Brand, for sponsoring this episode.