Episode 476: The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World

Summary

Podcast Summary: Habits and Hustle
Episode 476: The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World
Release Date: August 15, 2025

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Hosts and Guests

• Jennifer "Jen" Cohen – Host of Habits and Hustle
• Tony Robbins – Renowned life coach and author
• Doug – Co-host or guest (full name not provided)

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Overview

In Episode 476 of Habits and Hustle, titled "The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World," Jen Cohen engages in a profound discussion with Tony Robbins and Doug about the increasing fragility observed in today's children. The conversation delves into the cultural shifts contributing to diminished mental resilience, the impact of modern parenting styles, and actionable strategies to foster mental strength in the younger generation.

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Key Topics Discussed

1. Cultural Shifts and Mental Resilience
2. Gentle Parenting vs. Resilient Parenting
3. Impact of Technology and Socialization
4. Gender Differences in Coping and Resilience
5. Role of Fitness and Accountability in Building Strength

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Detailed Summary

1. Cultural Shifts and Mental Resilience

Jen Cohen opens the episode by highlighting a concerning trend: "Over time, kids are becoming more and more fragile, more and more frail. And it's really the onus is on the parent." She criticizes the prevailing culture of gentle parenting, suggesting it inadvertently weakens children by shielding them from challenges that build resilience. Jen emphasizes the importance of instilling mental strength from a young age, arguing that "life's not easy," and preparing children for failure is crucial.

Notable Quote:

• Jen Cohen [04:05]: "If you want to be a mentally strong person, why not start when you are a child?"

2. Gentle Parenting vs. Resilient Parenting

Tony Robbins interjects to clarify misconceptions about gentle parenting. He states, "Gentle parenting is firm with boundaries and structure and consistency, but not through anger or fear." However, the conversation pivots to Jen’s perspective, where she equates gentle parenting to "snow plowing all difficulty away from your children." This approach, according to Jen, prevents kids from facing and overcoming challenges, leading to increased rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal tendencies.

Notable Quote:

• Jen Cohen [04:17]: "We're creating a soft child which then creates a soft teenager, a soft adult."

3. Impact of Technology and Socialization

A significant portion of the discussion centers around the role of technology in diminishing children's resilience. Jen points out that "by the age of eight, children would have now spent a year of their lives on a smartphone," a figure likely exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic. This excessive screen time replaces outdoor play, social interactions, and opportunities to overcome minor setbacks, all of which are vital for developing resilience.

Doug adds, "Phones cause so much of this because there is so much to learn," highlighting the detrimental effects of early and excessive exposure to smartphones on children's social skills and independence.

Notable Quotes:

• Jen Cohen [14:50]: "By the age of eight, children would have now spent a year of their lives on a smartphone."
• Doug [16:28]: "If they don't do it, then they don't get it."

4. Gender Differences in Coping and Resilience

The conversation touches upon how different genders within Gen Z are reacting to these cultural shifts. Tony mentions a "schism" where "girls are getting more towards the woke," while "boys are going in the opposite direction," possibly gravitating towards more conservative or hard-working values in response to perceived societal shortcomings. This divergence suggests varying pathways in developing resilience and coping mechanisms among young people.

Notable Quote:

• Tony Robbins [16:06]: "There's a schism that's happening with Gen Z where a lot of these kids are adopting more of these conservative hard work...values."

5. Role of Fitness and Accountability in Building Strength

Jen underscores the importance of modeling active and disciplined behavior for children. She states, "If you want your kid to be active, you as a parent should be active," linking physical fitness to mental resilience. Fitness activities teach accountability, discipline, and delayed gratification—skills transferable to all areas of life. Jen also highlights that children mimic their parents' behaviors, making parental activity levels crucial in shaping children's habits.

Notable Quotes:

• Jen Cohen [19:38]: "All four of us were big workout people... kids will follow what you do."
• Tony Robbins [20:40]: "Children who are anxious, depressed, they can't be bored. They're always on devices."

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Insights and Conclusions

• Parental Responsibility: Parents play a pivotal role in shaping their children's mental resilience. By allowing children to face and overcome challenges, parents can foster independence and strength.

• Technology's Double-Edged Sword: While technology offers numerous benefits, excessive use, especially from a young age, can hamper social skills and resilience. Balancing screen time with real-world interactions is essential.

• Modeling Behavior: Children closely observe and imitate their parents. Active, disciplined, and resilient behaviors in parents significantly influence their children's development.

• Gender-Specific Approaches: Understanding the differing ways boys and girls cope with societal pressures can help tailor strategies to build resilience effectively.

• Holistic Development: Incorporating physical fitness into daily routines not only benefits physical health but also ingrains essential life skills that contribute to mental strength.

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Final Thoughts

Episode 476 of Habits and Hustle presents a compelling discussion on the fragility observed in today's youth and offers actionable strategies to cultivate mental resilience. By addressing cultural shifts, parenting styles, and the pervasive influence of technology, Jen Cohen and her guests provide valuable insights for parents striving to raise strong, capable, and resilient children in an increasingly challenging world.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Tony Robbins]

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it.

[Jen]

Hey, friends. You're listening to Fitness Friday on the Habits and Hustle podcast where myself and my friends share quick and very actionable advice for you becoming your healthiest self. So stay tuned and let me know how you leveled up. Before we dive into today's episode, I want thank our sponsor, Momentous. When your goal is healthspan living better and longer, there are very few non negotiables. One of them quality. And when it comes to supplements designed for high performers, nobody does it better than Momentous. Momentous goes all in on NSF certification, which means every single batch is tested for heavy metals, harmful additives and label accuracy. And that's why they're trusted by all 32 NFL teams and top collegiate sports dietitians across the country. Here's the thing, they don't sell every supplement under the sun because they believe in nailing the basics with rock solid consistency. And those basics are protein and creatine. Momentous sources Creapure, the purest form of creatine monohydrate available. An absolute must for both men and women and women who want peak physical and cognitive performance. So if you're serious about leveling up, go to livemomentous.com and use code Jen for 20% off. Just act now. Start today. Jen for 20% off livemomentous.com what I've been noticing, as you know, through the, throughout the years is over time, kids are becoming more and more fragile, more and more frail. And it's really the onus is on the parent. And I think this whole culture of, a culture of gentle parenting has really made our kids weaker. And so I wanted to have a platform or create some type of platform where we can kind of come together, unite and, and create mental resilience in our little, in the younger generation. And so to me also, if you want to be a mentally strong person, why not start when you are a child? Like these are habits and tools that are important throughout your life. So why, when you're like what, 21, 25, then you start to learn how to be mentally resilient. Start when you're a kid and get the foundation, prime your brain, prime yourself for failure, for resilience. Because life's not easy. Life isn't easy. And if we coddle our children, which is what a lot of people are doing now in this, in this time, it's actually, you're doing a disservice in a real way.

[Tony Robbins]

So this is a great topic. But there's a quote you just reminded me. I think it was Frederick Douglass, that's Douglas, that said it's easier to raise strong children than it is to fix broken men. And I think it was Frederick Douglass. Maybe Doug can look that up, make sure I'm not messing that up. But let's get, let's go back to for a second because I understand gentle parenting very well.

[Jen]

Are you a gentle parent?

[Tony Robbins]

But a lot of people misunderstand what it means. So I want to know from you what you. What you're referring to when you. Because it's like intuitive dieting. Like when I say intuitive dieting, people have this completely.

[Doug]

You talking about helicopter parent scene, skewed.

[Tony Robbins]

View of what it is. So what are the characteristics of what you're talking about of this coddling type of parent that raises these cause by the way, and I know you have the data to support this. I'm familiar with it. It's true. We are raising children that are more fragile and less resilient than ever before. Yes.

[Jen]

Let me just start by answering your question of what in my belief is gentle parenting. Gentle parenting, in my opinion is snow plowing. All difficulty away from your children.

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah, that's not. Okay, great.

[Jen]

I'm so glad you said that. And snow plowing challenges. We've created a culture of caudal culture versus challenge culture. And challenge is what makes you stronger and makes you more resilient. So let's start with that. I would also say part of this stuff is helicopter parenting participation trophies. Creating a space where. Safe space. There's safe spaces and triggers. All of this lingo and language, in my opinion, is creating a soft child which then creates a soft teenager, a soft adult. Which by the way, I will tell you some of this. Some of this is causing suicidal rates to increase. Anxiety is through the roof. Depression is through the roof. When you don't feel competent and capable of like taking care of yourself and having any form of self efficacy. What happens to you as a, as a human being is. Is beyond detrimental. Right?

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jen]

And we've seen it. I mean the reason why, like with the reason why we are. We all, we were all raised in a very different time where independence was very much a thing. We took risk. We were kind of like thrown into independence because our parents weren't watching our every single move. And another big one is boredom. We've eliminated boredom from our children's lives where we are over scheduling everything because we're so nervous of our kids missing out on anything. When the reality is boredom is where creativity lives. It's where kids think for themselves and figure shit out. And if we're, if we're eliminating all of these things, what is our child left to do? They're not thinking for themselves. They're not acting on their own. Their parents are getting them out of every, you know, uncomfortable, challenging situation. And we're left with like, basically a blob of a human being. That's what we're left with.

[Tony Robbins]

You know why, by the way? You know, what's your. Why do you think parents are doing that? Why do you think parents aren't letting their kids be bored? Or why do you think parents are not letting their kids struggle?

[Jen]

I think what's happened, because over time, we've evolved to a place where parents rather be your. Be their child's friend than being their parent. They're so scared of being disliked by their child that they're just like, not parenting anymore. They're not disciplining anymore. They're not. They. They're so. They're so scared of that particular thing. When the reality is our job as a parent isn't to be liked all the time, isn't to make our kids happy all the time. It's actually the opposite. Our job as a parent is to make our kid resilient, make them competent, make it. Make them capable. We are not do. We are taking away everything from our kids. Chores are no longer even in most homes anymore. Like, when I was a kid, there was no chance that I was not going to be forced to make my bed, put my dishes away. And when I was 12 years old, I had a job. I was working at the olive garden by 12. In today's time, kids aren't even babysitting anymore. They've like, there's no more babysitting. I mean, do your kid. Like, how old are your kids?

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah, so. Well, I have four. I have two older ones and two younger ones. So 19, 15. And then four and two.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Tony Robbins]

But you know, when you mentioned, you said confidence, independence, that all goes down to security, right? When a kid feels secure, then they can do all those things, and they don't feel secure. When they don't feel like they can tackle the challenge, it feels insecure.

[Jen]

Well, also, because what. There's a couple of things, right? There's like that learning space in the middle, right? You have on one side not knowing how to do something, and. And then the other side you have having the ability and competence to do something. But in the middle, it's like that learning I can't do, I can't do. And so it's very frustrating. Even as an adult, if I can't figure something out, I get super, like anxious and frustrating, but frustrated. But I've learned that like, it's part of, it's part of growing is like being comfortable enough in that frustration to try and try again. Which is why I talk all about like that 10% target that I, that I usually come on and talk about, which is making 10 attempts. We've eliminated that from our children, which is how people get comfortable with failure. And so we are so uncomfortable as a parent or as an adult watching our kids struggle.

[Tony Robbins]

That's it, right?

[Jen]

We're so. We're so uncomfortable from the struggle that we'll just do it for them. And so our kids don't know what to do when they feel frustrated, so they get super anxious. And then in that anxiety spirals versus understanding and teaching your child that, you know what, like this is a normal feeling. You know, it's. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to feel like I don't know how to do it. But that's part of getting from not knowing to knowing is that process in the middle. Right. Like any good athlete, there's a lot of practice, a lot of hours of practice that go in from being like bad at something to being really good. And it's us as a parent explaining and executing on that message, saying, you know what, me doing your homework or doing your science project isn't going to make you better, isn't going to make you feel confident, it's not going to raise your self esteem, it's not going to do any of those things. All it does is make me as a parent compete with the other parent for the gold star of the science project. And what does that do for you? Absolutely nothing.

[Doug]

Do you think that if you're looking back at like generations, especially baby boomers, and you know, it was a very high authoritarian type of parenting in the house, and sometimes there's love involved with that. Sometimes there's probably an absence of love with that. And this is something I talk about even with some of my friends who are parents, because their natural reaction to that was to do the opposite in terms of, you know, not forcing their kids to do anything, and they're trying to kind of approach it with a different perspective. But do you think that might have played a role in terms of like, how, you know, culture sort of shifted in terms of the style of parenting?

[Jen]

Okay. I think two things happened. I think people growing up in the. In the 70s as the 80s, there's a massive shift after. After having your birthday in 1993. Three, I believe it was, or 1995. I think a couple things. I think that Smart in 2010 actually was a big one when smartphones became a big thing. That's. That's the first thing, because instead of going outside to play and ride your bike and do all sorts of adventures and climbing trees, we've. All the kids have now migrated to being inside on an iPad, playing video games alone. So the whole act of socialization just dissipated from 2010 on. And when that dissipated, anxiety, depression, suicide, all skyrocketed. That's one thing. The other thing that happened was if I would be. If I were to be honest with you, I think it's the woke culture. I think the woke culture has crushed mental resilience in kids, period, Full stop. Because that's when all of this gentle parenting, the helicopter parenting, the participation trophy, safe spaces, all crept up into. Into society, where that became the new norm. And if you are somebody who is on that side of the fence, that's.

[Tony Robbins]

What you do, you know, you meant. So when you say gentle parenting, I want to interject because there is a massive misunderstanding. And this is what a lot of people do with their quote, unquote, gentle parenting is they think it means always being nice, never nothing hard, letting you do whatever you want to do. The child kind of leads what's going on. What the real gentle parenting was was firm with boundaries and structure and consistency, but not through anger or fear. Because what you end up getting are children that obey, not because they think it's the right thing to do, but because they're scared. So this is like the girl who I'm scared of my dad. I'm already doing anything. But then the second she gets out, she's like, I'm free to do whatever I want.

[Jen]

Right, right, right.

[Tony Robbins]

But what you're talking about is like, I'll give you an example. Parents who don't let their kids be bored are parents who never let themselves be bored. It's uncomfortable being with little kids in the house. You know this. You got little kids in the house. They're bored. It's uncomfortable having them be bored because it puts it on me.

[Jen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Robbins]

Then you ask the parent, when's the last time you went to the bathroom without your phone? When's the last time you stood in line without looking at your phone? When's the last time you did Nothing totally.

[Doug]

I mean, I would, I would actually, I would make. Even though I'm not a fan of woke culture, I would actually point almost all of this towards the introduction of phones with kids at such an early age. I think that so much of what you described that we're not doing happens in play. When you go outside and you play with other kids, you. You lose some games. You don't get to play what you want to play. Sometimes you get hurt. There's so much of this. And. And because we took that away from our kids and allowed them to be glued to a phone or an iPad or a television all day long, we robbed them of those experiences. And then you compile woke culture or this attitude of parents who don't know what to do. And instead I don't want my kid to be any more anxious or depressed. And so I'd rather be play on the safer side and go the gentle parenting route. And because I don't, I'm afraid to overcorrect the other. I really think the phones cause so much of this because there is so much to be to learn. I mean, Jordan Peterson talks about Those ages between 3 and 5 and how.

[Tony Robbins]

Important if they don't develop social skills.

[Doug]

If they don't do it, then they don't get it.

[Jen]

So let me tell you something. A couple of things. Do you know by the age of eight, children would have now spent a year of their lives on a smartphone?

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Oh, I believe by the age of eight, that's one year completely eliminated from their life by just the amount of time they spent on their phone.

[Doug]

And I bet that stat was pre Covid because Covid exacerbated that.

[Jen]

Yes. And then the thing about play, beyond what you just said is the inability to know how to socialize, it has been detrimental. Do you know another crazy stat is 26% of Gen Z are taking their parents to an interview.

[Doug]

I know, I saw. We saw. We brought this stat up on the show the other day. I'd be embarrassed by that.

[Jen]

I mean, how are you? But, but by the way, this is the part that's even more embarrassing that it's. It's actually been like, considered. Okay. Nobody, there's no, there's. Nobody is like actually kind of like pushing back on that.

[Tony Robbins]

I won't hire you if you come with your parent. You're not getting hired, by the way.

[Jen]

Let me tell you. Forget about even that. No way you're getting hired. But I don't know about you because you guys have a very like, you Guys run a tight ship here. But people don't want to hire people from, from Gen Z anymore. They're like, if they see that person coming or if it's on their resume, they just won't hire them or, or from the woke from people who are woke because it's just too much liability with it.

[Tony Robbins]

You know what's interesting Jen, about that? So the data is really fascinating with that. There seems to be a schism that's happening with Gen Z where and this is recent where a lot of these kids are adopting more of these conservative hard work, whatever we want to label them values because they think that they're like this isn't working for me. Yeah, I don't know what the hell is happening.

[Doug]

Isn't it split by sex?

[Tony Robbins]

Isn't that what the research is showing? Boys in particular and girls seem to be going the opposite direction. Polar. Yeah. And there's lots of.

[Jen]

So you're saying girls are, are getting.

[Tony Robbins]

More towards the woke. More towards. And the boys are going in the opposite direction.

[Jen]

Oh yeah. And the boys are going to. Saw that and that. Yes, I, I think I saw that. The other thing I wanted to tell you what was very interesting. I can't remember what. When you were saying and I, I turned to. Oh yes. The other thing about play I was going to. What I wanted to mention which is I think really important just in terms of like inter, like interconnectedness is. Nobody's dating anymore.

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Nobody's like going out and like dating. No one knows how to act with the opposite sex. So porn is up like a thousand percent.

[Tony Robbins]

Nobody's talking about that. That is a huge problem.

[Jen]

Huge problem.

[Tony Robbins]

It's causing so many issues with kids.

[Doug]

Have you, have you ever heard of me? Tell the story of our intern who was working for us when he was 16, 17, how old was. Okay, so we had an intern. This was like five, six years ago and he was 16, 17 years old. I can't remember how. He was young. Right. He was just out of high school and we were, we were asking him questions about what's high school like and hanging out and do they have parties on weekends and this and that. And we're asking. Oh yeah, you know, sometimes they do. Not a lot, you know, but occasionally there's a party and I'm like okay, well then when you go there and you see a girl you like, like how does that play out? Like. And he, and what he told me and this is like how all his friends do. Would handle this situation if there was a girl At a high school party that you were interested in, it's in the same party as you are. You wouldn't walk over to her and say anything to her. You would pull your phone out, add her as a friend on Facebook and wait to see if she adds you back. If she adds you back, then you then engage with her. Yeah. DM her on Facebook. And then if she responds you then. Then you would go over and potentially talk to her. That's how you would handle that situation. I thought that was so crazy that you would do that when someone's 10ft away.

[Jen]

You don't find that to be like that.

[Doug]

To me, it's like crazy.

[Jen]

Socially crazy.

[Tony Robbins]

It's also. If you're a young man listening right now, the. Like, you can be such an. It's such an easy way.

[Doug]

Yeah. You're a stud. If you just go over and say hi. If you're the guy who has the balls to go over and just say hi and be willing to fail.

[Jen]

Think about it. The barrier to entry right now, today, the person is. So is the bar is so low. If you just go up to them, like, right. Right away, like, that's all you need to do. But that to me is like. Doesn't that tell you something about where our society, our culture is going?

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah. What you. What this points to for me, because I can use fitness as an example, is when you have obese, unhealthy kids, you almost always have obese, unhealthy parents. So children who are anxious, depressed, they can't be bored. They're always on devices. They never go out. They don't also have parents who are doing the same thing.

[Jen]

Right. And there's so much research that backs that, that kids learned 73%. I mean, I have all these crazy stats in my head from doing the TED Talk, right? Because I researched the hell out of this whole thing. But it was like 73% better by watching.

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Versus listening. Because after a while, nobody's listening. Like, everything. Everything kind of just. Kind of just blends. After a while, you're not paying attention. So kids mimic what they see. So for an example, right. All four of us were big workout people, Right. So most likely our kids are going to, like, adopt some of those habits. Right? So if you want your kid to be active, you as a parent should be active. Right. If you want your kid to really understand nutrition, then you need to. You need to be eating a certain way. Right. Because kids will follow what you do. Not to mention, I think that the fitness element is it's crucial because what fitness does and was done for me, and I'm sure it's done for you, is. It taught me accountability, it taught me discipline, it taught me delayed gratification. These are core life skills that are transferable in every walk of life. And if your kid is doing that at a young age, then they're taking those with them.

[Tony Robbins]

Yeah, yeah. I think a big problem with this or challenge, I should say not problem is that there's so much value in the real world, but it requires more work. And what we've created are cheap substitutes for the real world. So like you talk about pornography as a teenage boy, you know, I had drivers to go talk to girls. Very overwhelming, powerful driver. Teenage boy understands this now. I couldn't relieve those drivers with pornography every five seconds with extreme novelty. I didn't have it. When I was 14 years old. You could trade a bike for a dirty magazine. That's how hard they were to get. It was so strictly regulated. So I had to muster the courage because these drivers are actually in particular for young men. They're drivers for creativity. They're drivers to get you out of fear because it's scary. You're 14 years old. You're gonna go talk to a girl that you're interested in and that is scary. She's gonna say no. She probably will. You're gonna feel like a piece of crap. You gotta go talk to her friends around her. Your friends are watching you. What am I gonna do?

[Jen]

Totally.

[Tony Robbins]

But to do that, you end up building these incredible life skills through this challenge. And speaking for young men now. Cause I think for women it's different, but I also think they develop skills out of this as well. For a young man to be attractive to other girls, that's not nothing. You gotta learn how to kind of grow up. You gotta clean up a little bit. You gotta present yourself. Not like a creep.

[Doug]

It's feedback.

[Tony Robbins]

You gotta kinda be funny. So you gotta learn a little bit of skill. You gotta learn how to communicate proper. You got to show some courage. These are all things that girls value. So I got to develop all that. Well, if I was a 14 year old boy with a cell phone, with a, with a smartphone in my room, with more sexual novelty than kings. A thousand years ago, didn't even have like that drive is gone. I have no drive because I'm totally, I'm just in my room stuck. And there's no girl that could even match that artificial process. You know, whatever.

[Jen]

Can I say one more thing? Can I just interject Also, because of that phone, you're not learning that failure piece. Right. So you're so fearful of rejection, you don't even have. You don't have to worry about rejection.

[Tony Robbins]

Right?

[Jen]

Right. There's no such thing as rejection if you're just stuck on a phone watching porn. Right?

[Tony Robbins]

Right.

[Jen]

So you'd rather do that. And now on a. With. With AI, you can have, like, a fake girlfriend who just talks really nice. You could pick the voice you want. You could pick the. You know, you could pick the voice. You could pick the answers. You could pick how she speaks to you, what she says to you, what. What dirty talk you like. Like, you're. It's making it like, it's a. It's literally eliminating any ability for any type of rejection. And human.