Podcast Summary: Habits and Hustle

Episode 515: Erica Komisar – The Parenting Myth Hurting Kids’ Mental Health

Host: Jen Cohen
Guest: Erica Komisar (Psychoanalyst, Parenting Expert, Social Worker)
Date: December 30, 2025

Episode Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, Jen Cohen interviews Erica Komisar, a leading parent psychoanalyst and practicing therapist with nearly four decades of experience. Komisar challenges widely held beliefs about parenting, particularly the notion that "quality" time can substitute for "quantity" in child development. Drawing from neuroscience, attachment research, and her extensive clinical work, Komisar argues that children’s mental health is suffering because of myths that undervalue the critical presence of parents—especially mothers—during essential stages of development. The conversation explores the cultural shifts affecting family structures, the impact of working parents, societal expectations, and practical strategies to better support children's mental health.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Komisar’s Mission and Observations (00:44–04:00)

• Early Career & Motivation: Komisar details her nearly 38 years of therapeutic work, initially noticing a spike in childhood mental illness and a decline in basic parenting skills (00:59).

  “I was seeing this uptick in mental illness in children and adolescents... Children were being diagnosed and medicated at a younger and younger age.” (01:35)

• Societal Shifts: She attributes worsening child mental health to societal changes, particularly the deprioritization of mothering and the narrative that children are “self-cleaning ovens”—that any caregiver or daycare can suffice.

  “When we deprioritized caring for our own children… we were impacting their mental health in a negative way.” (02:40)

The Quality vs. Quantity Myth (04:00–06:15)

• False Narrative: Komisar debunks the commonly held belief that quality trumps quantity when it comes to parental involvement.

  “That is the ruse... You need to be there both physically and emotionally... It’s a moment to moment process.” (04:45) “Children can't be taught to regulate their emotions by being with them for an hour and a half a day… they're struggling with emotional regulation throughout the day.” (05:04)

Critical Periods in Child Development (06:15–10:56)

• Two Major Stages:

  • 0–3 Years: The first “critical period” where 80–85% of the right brain (responsible for emotional regulation, stress management, executive function) is developed if the environment is supportive (06:44).
  • 9–25 Years: The second critical phase, where neurological “pruning” supports maturation. Adolescence is extended well into young adulthood.

• Presence Needed Beyond Age 3: Although ages 0–3 are pivotal, ongoing physical and emotional availability throughout childhood is essential.

  “It’s not as if three happens and then you can go back to work 12 hours a day... You have 18 years to really make a difference.” (10:08)

Working Mothers, Guilt, and Career Choices (11:21–14:18)

• Balancing Acts: Komisar clarifies she isn’t saying women shouldn't work; rather, the type, intensity, and prioritization of work matter greatly.

  “It’s about prioritization... If the work is being prioritized over your children in those first 18 years, then something will be sacrificed.” (12:04)

• Best Careers for Mothers: Jobs that allow for part-time work or flexibility to prioritize family—since “raising a child is a 24 hour, 7 day a week, 365 day a year job” (13:27).

• Guilt & Evidence: Komisar describes clinical and research evidence showing that longer daycare hours correlate with increased mental health issues in children.

  “Children’s behaviors... can be turned around very quickly when parents change... the amount of emotional and physical presence they give.” (15:30)

Emotional Signals in Children (16:45–21:00)

• Fight or Flight: Absence or inattentiveness from parents is often expressed in children’s escalating attempts to get attention, culminating in silence and increased fragility.

  “Babies are born incredibly fragile... and the fact that parents can’t look at a baby and see fragility... suggests they can’t see the fragility of their babies.” (16:50)

• Behavioral Manifestations: Children with insufficient parental presence show aggression, ADHD, distractibility, and attachment disorders. Komisar highlights how “fight” can materialize as behavioral issues, while “flight” can appear as attention problems or dissociation (19:06).

The Distinct Roles of Mothers and Fathers (22:40–28:21)

• Biological Differences:

  • Mothers produce oxytocin, facilitating sensitive and empathic nurturing.
  • Fathers produce oxytocin differently; more likely to distract or encourage independence. Fathers also produce vasopressin, promoting protective behaviors.

  “Mothers and fathers are not sort of fungible... We’re equal, but different is my motto.” (22:58) “The father goes, ‘You're okay, come on, get up, you're fine.’” (25:41)

• Societal Changes & Gender Roles: A discussion about how evolving gender roles, women’s increasing career prominence, and men’s changing sense of purpose are shifting relationships and family structures (27:13).

Economic Realities and Alternative Childcare (30:43–34:57)

• Financial & Structural Pressures: Komisar acknowledges that single-parent and dual-income families face real economic challenges; she advocates for reembracing extended family, kinship bonds, or finding empathic surrogate caregivers rather than relying solely on institutional daycare.

  “Best forms of childcare... would be kinship bonds. Extended family... The best is to have more time with their parents.” (33:14)

• Hard Choices: Parents must accept some level of sacrifice—either in career advancement, income, or ego gratification—to prioritize their child’s well-being (34:57).

Practical Guidelines: Quantity of Time and Adolescence (37:07–44:59)

• How Much Time is Enough?

  • School-Age Children: Be present during transitional times—after school, mornings, mealtimes.

  “When they’re home, you should be home... That’s ideal.” (38:01)

  • Transitional Moments: These are when kids are most willing to share and need processing support.

• Mental Health Crisis & Social Media: While social media is detrimental, underlying emotional fragility and insecure attachment are the root issues; social media exacerbates but doesn’t cause the mental health crisis.

  “If you build a bridge... but you drive a four ton truck over that bridge, then the bridge is going to collapse.” (39:42–41:09) “Our presence, our relationship with them... That is the origin of resilience.” (41:39)

• Helicopter Parenting vs. Emotional Presence: Being anxiously involved or over-scheduling is not the same as being emotionally attuned—helicopter parents are often anxious and avoidant.

  “Helicopter parenting is not present parenting.” (44:21)

Adolescence: The Need for “Wallpaper” Parenting (47:41–50:52)

• Adolescents Need Intense, Responsive Presence:

  "Adolescents need you when they need you, they don't need you all the time... The more physically and emotionally around you are, the more likely you'll catch the moment.” (47:41) “If you’re not there when the door opens... you’re going to miss the boat.” (49:37)

• Role of Fathers in Adolescence: The importance of both parents increases; fathers become essential for modeling and support (50:52).

Modern Feminism, Women’s Success & Societal Balance (51:51–56:57)

• Feminism and Children’s Rights: Komisar is pro-feminism but believes children’s developmental needs must come first; women should only have children if they can make the necessary sacrifices (53:39).

  “Do I advocate for women’s rights over children’s rights? Nope. Those children didn’t ask to be brought into this world. Their rights have to come first.” (53:40)

• Delayed Gratification and ‘Having It All’:

  “I think I've had a lot... But I didn't have it all at the same time. You know, the marshmallow test?” (54:46) “You can have everything in life. You just can't have it all at the same time.” (56:27)

• Marriage, Dating, and Societal Imbalance: Shifting gender ratios in education and the workforce are changing dating and marriage landscapes, contributing to a societal lack of balance and increasing singlehood/divorce (52:12–58:42).

Building Teamwork in Partnerships (58:58–64:04)

• Intentional Collaboration: Komisar advocates for teamwork in marriage rather than competition, stressing the importance of selecting partners who value collaboration.

  “It wasn't luck at all in my situation. It was intentional... Healthy marriages produce healthy children.” (58:58) “We have fostered competition between young men and young women instead of teamwork and collaboration.” (59:05)

• Advice for Young People: She emphasizes the importance of premarital counseling, honest expectations, and understanding the demands of childrearing when choosing partners.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Parenting Myth:

  “Children are not like self-cleaning ovens. They don't raise themselves.” — Erica Komisar (02:32)

• On Career and Motherhood:

  “It's about prioritization... If the work is being prioritized over your children in those first 18 years, then something will be sacrificed.” — Erica Komisar (12:04)

• On Emotional Availability:

  “An anxious parent is not an emotionally present parent. Anxious parents can't help a child process emotions if they can't process their own.” — Erica Komisar (42:44)

• On Timing in Parenting & Career:

  “You can have everything in life. You just can't have it all at the same time.” — Erica Komisar (56:27)

• On Societal “Balance”:

  “I think balance is a good thing... If you cannot make the sacrifices necessary to, to prioritize children over yourself and your career, then I think it's better you don't have children, honestly.” — Erica Komisar (53:53)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:44 – Komisar’s background and motivation
• 04:45 – Quality vs. quantity of parenting time
• 06:44 – Stages of brain development (“critical periods”)
• 11:21 – The question of “having it all” for working mothers
• 14:51 – Evidence on working mothers and child mental health
• 16:45 – How children express unmet needs
• 19:06 – Fight-or-flight responses and behavioral manifestations
• 22:58 – Biological differences in nurturing roles
• 30:43 – Economic challenges and alternative childcare
• 37:07 – Suggested amount of parental presence/time
• 39:35 – Social media’s role in the mental health crisis
• 42:44 – Helicopter parenting versus true emotional attunement
• 47:41 – The unique needs of adolescents
• 51:51 – Modern feminism’s impact on parenting and relationships
• 54:45 – The marshmallow test and delayed gratification
• 58:58 – The importance of collaborative partnerships

Final Thoughts

Jen Cohen and Erica Komisar delve deeply into the uncomfortable truths about parenting in today’s world—debunking widely shared myths and providing nuanced, research-based advice. Komisar argues that the “parenting myth” of substituting quality for quantity is hurting children's mental health and urges a return to more intentional—and evolutionary—nurturing rooted in physical and emotional presence. The episode closes with a call for societal rebalancing: embracing realistic expectations for work and family, supporting parents (especially mothers), and fostering collaboration over competition in partnerships.

Resources:

• Find Erica Komisar, her books, articles, and contact information at www.komisar.com (64:40)
• Upcoming book on divorce to be published in March (31:09, 64:28)