Habits and Hustle – Episode 516: Vanessa Van Edwards (The Behavioral Investigator)

Date: January 2, 2026
Host: Jennifer Cohen
Guest: Vanessa Van Edwards, Behavioral Investigator, Founder of Science of People

Episode Overview

This “Best of” episode features behavioral investigator, author, and body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards. Drawing on her extensive research into human behavior, Vanessa discusses the secret language of charismatic communication, the science of social cues, and actionable takeaways for becoming more successful in relationships, business, and life. The conversation is packed with science-backed tips for reading people, mastering first impressions, and understanding the nuances of warmth, competence, and charisma.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Charisma, Warmth, and Competence: The Twin Pillars of Human Connection

• Charisma’s Magic Mix:
  Vanessa shares that 82% of people’s snap judgments about us boil down to two qualities: warmth (friendliness, trustworthiness) and competence (capability, reliability). Balancing both is crucial for charisma.
  • “In your interactions, if you can quickly answer these two questions—can I trust you, and can I rely on you?—your whole interaction will be better.” (Vanessa, 09:19)
• Warm Without Competence:
  Too much warmth but little competence can lead to being liked but not respected or taken seriously.
• Competence Without Warmth:
  Too much competence but little warmth invokes suspicion/intimidation.
• Charisma as a Dial:
  Highly charismatic people “dial up or down” warmth and competence depending on the context—a strategic social thermostat (13:04).

2. Reading & Sending Cues: The Science Behind Impactful Communication

• Why Cues Matter:
  Every interaction involves a hidden language of nonverbal, verbal, vocal, and imagery cues, influencing how others perceive and respond to us. Vanessa’s concept was partly inspired by her own tendency to misinterpret neutral cues as negative, leading her to catalog and decode these signals (04:04).
• The Ethics of Cue Knowledge:
  Vanessa acknowledges that these skills could be used manipulatively, but believes spreading knowledge enables people to defend themselves and communicate intentionally (04:53).
• Cues Are Contagious:
  How we show up—especially warmth and competence—can trigger similar behaviors in others, “supercharging” group dynamics (14:39).

3. Practical Skills for Modern Interactions

a. Video Calls & Digital Presence

• Oxytocin Words:
  Starting video calls with language like “Sending a high five!” or “Wish I could give you a hug!” measurably increases engagement and connection, mirroring the effects of physical touch. Using “oxytocin words” in the first ten words of a call can double engagement (21:51).
• Spatial Zones (Proxemics):
  Be aware of your distance to the camera; being too close intrudes on others’ ‘intimate’ digital space (23:21).
• Background & Lighting:
  Authentic, real backgrounds outperform virtual ones. Props (like a world map) can subtly send cues about credibility or global experience (25:04).

b. Emails & Texts

• Adding Warmth & Competence:
  Don’t be sterile—incorporate warm words (“happy,” “together”), emojis, and competence words (“efficient,” “master”). “We could almost exactly predict where someone was in the charisma scale based on the kind of words they use.” (Vanessa, 58:40)
• Personalizing Openers:
  Instead of “How are you?” try “What’s good today?” or context-driven greetings (“Howdy!” in Texas) to foster engagement (60:43).

4. Nonverbal Cues: Gestures, Posture, and Voice

• Gestures:
  TED speakers who use more hand gestures (average 465 in 18 minutes) are consistently more popular—a sign of confidence and content mastery (39:59).
• Vocal Power:
  Charismatic speakers use a “TED Talk voice,” modulating pace, volume, and using the lower end of their natural register to project confidence. Foibles and conversational tone enhance authenticity (41:20, 42:26).
• Smiling:
  Real, eye-involving (Duchenne) smiles are contagious; fake smiles are detected and have no effect (49:16). Botox can disrupt emotional feedback loops, e.g., inhibit anger or happiness (50:13).
• Posture – The Ear-to-Shoulder Rule:
  The greater the distance between your earlobe and your shoulder (shoulders down, head up), the greater your perceived confidence and presence (52:45).

5. Social Analysis: Popularity, Relationships, and Personality Types

• Popularity Science:
  The most popular kids (and, by extension, adults) are the ones with the longest list of people they like—not those who are simply attractive or athletic (74:07).
  “To be popular, you have to work on liking more people.” (Vanessa, 74:53)
• Personality Compatibility:
  The “Big Five” (OCEAN) personality traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism. Openness to new experiences can make or break connections (67:22).
  High and low neurotic pairings often balance each other, whereas differences in openness and conscientiousness can cause friction or growth, depending on willingness to compromise (70:06).

6. Spotting Liars & Handling Difficult Social Situations

• Lie Detection Myths & Cues:
  • Myth: “Looking up to the left/right means lying”—not backed by research (81:00).
  • Real cues: Rising intonation at sentence end (“asking” rather than stating), lip pursing (withholding cues), sudden vocal pitch changes (78:54, 80:10).
  • “If you believe in something, say it—don’t ask it” (79:13).
• Handling Interrupters:
  Three escalating nonverbal techniques—open mouth (the “fish”), holding up a hand (“bookmark”), and (if needed) gentle touch—to politely signal you want to speak. (82:06–83:36)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the power of warmth and competence:
  “Warmth lubricant is a lubricant for competence.” (Vanessa, 08:22)
• On gestures:
  “Some gestures carry 400% more information than words... You’re actually more likely to believe my hand.” (Vanessa, 38:16)
• On video call oxytocin:
  “In your first ten words on a video call, you should be using oxytocin words.” (Vanessa, 21:51)
• On handshakes and scent:
  “After a handshake, people touch their nose—because we like to smell what the other person’s hand smelled like. It’s totally subconscious.” (Vanessa, 34:07)
• On popularity:
  “I decided in that moment, I'm going to be a 'like-er.' I would rather say I like you and have you reject me than miss the opportunity of us liking each other.” (Vanessa, 76:17)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Charisma recipe, warmth & competence – 07:29–10:19
• Charisma as a “dial”; adapting cues – 13:04–14:39
• Contagious cues/science of people – 14:54–15:22
• Digital cues, oxytocin words, spatial zones – 17:41–24:06
• Real vs. fake smiles, Botox, and emotion – 49:16–51:17
• Gestures/voice in public speaking – 38:16, 41:20–42:26
• Lie detection and red flags – 77:16–81:35
• Interruption management skills – 81:40–83:45
• Science of popularity – 72:56–76:17

Tone & Energy

The conversation is science-backed, often humorous, and disarmingly honest. Vanessa’s style is funny, practical, contagiously enthusiastic, and peppered with memorable analogies. Jen is candid and direct, often interjecting personal observations, and both share stories to illustrate the science in action.

Final Thoughts

Vanessa Van Edwards makes complex behavioral science accessible and instantly useful. Her research suggests charisma isn’t an innate gift but a set of learnable, customizable cues. Whether navigating a Zoom meeting, writing a text, or shaking hands, everyone can boost their personal and professional impact by consciously choosing cues that fit their “unique flavor.”