Episode 546: How to Engage Your Kids Into Conversations Without Losing Your Temper

Summary

Habits and Hustle, Episode 546: "How to Engage Your Kids Into Conversations Without Losing Your Temper"

Host: Jen Cohen
Guest: Shawnee (occasional co-host)
Date: April 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Jen Cohen explores effective strategies for talking to children in a way that fosters openness, trust, and deeper relationships. Drawing from her own parenting experience and insights gained from leading experts, Jen offers actionable tips for parents, guardians, or anyone seeking to connect meaningfully with kids. The conversation covers creating quality interactions, the importance of active listening, encouraging independence, respecting boundaries, and managing parental frustration.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Importance of Active Listening

[01:38]

• Jen emphasizes putting away distractions, especially phones, to be present.
• Direct quote:

  "I try to be an active listener...making eye contact because what I think happens so often...it's really easy just to be dismissive of your kid when they want to talk to you." — Jen [02:15]

• Quality matters more than quantity in time spent; even 10-20 dedicated minutes can make a difference.
• Kids “feel that energy” of full attention.

2. Structured & Comfortable Environments for Conversation

[03:30]

• Dedicated, regular one-on-one time ("not just loosey goosey") is key.
• Most open conversations often happen when kids are relaxed:

  "Some of my best conversations...have been when I'm driving them to school in the morning or when I'm putting them to bed at night, right? Because their guard is down." — Jen [03:51]

3. Asking Open-Ended, Thoughtful Questions

[04:18]

• Move beyond “How was school?” or “What did you learn?”
• Instead, use prompts like:
  • “What was your rose today and what was your thorn?”
    • Rose = best moment; Thorn = most challenging or upsetting moment.
• This strategy encourages deeper dialogue:

  "That way the rose is like the best moment of your day and the thorn is like the worst moment...it opens up a dialogue." — Jen [04:40]

4. Sharing Personal Stories (Relatability)

[04:58]

• Jen shares her own experiences or emotions to build trust and show vulnerability.
• Kids connect more when parents treat them as "mini adults" (with age-appropriate language, of course).

5. Speaking to Kids Respectfully—No Baby Talk

[05:30]

• Shawnee chimes in, having noticed the difference in kids spoken to like adults:

  “Kids who have been just spoken to as normal people, like forever...they use more complete sentences. They will engage with me on ridiculous topics.” — Shawnee [05:42]

• Jen agrees:

  “I never treated them like babies. Again, I'm very age appropriate...but...I talk to them like they're like little people, not like little babies.” — Jen [06:01]

• Jen explicitly distances herself from "coddle culture" and "helicopter parenting," advocating for independence.

6. Special One-on-One Moments

[07:10]

• Creating individualized experiences (a dinner, an ice cream run, etc.) strengthens bonds.
• These moments become cherished memories and boost a child’s sense of being uniquely valued.

7. Managing Parental Frustration: Staying Calm

[07:37]

• Self-regulation is hard, but critical:

  "Be patient and calm because it's really hard to lose your shit, especially when you got a lot on your mind. And if we can take a beat and a moment and just take a deep breath or walk away and then come back, I find that to be way more effective than yelling." — Jen [08:20]

• Losing temper creates anxiety for kids and doesn't solve issues—taking a breather is almost always better.

8. Respecting Children’s Boundaries & Fostering Independence

[09:22]

• Teaching kids to assert boundaries, especially around physical affection, creates confidence:

  "Kind of respecting your children's boundaries...that also creates more confident, bold, independent children." — Jen [09:31]

• Shawnee adds:

  "Physical boundaries especially, I think are really important to give your kids autonomy over that from a young age...a lesson that I feel like a lot of people in my generation wish that they would have learned." — Shawnee [10:03]

9. Social Customs & The Pressure to Show Affection

[10:20]

• Jen shares an awkward story about a friend forcing her child to physically greet adults against their will:

  "The kid is so awkward and uncomfortable...Like, lady, not gonna say her name. Like, chill out. I don't need the hug and kiss. And, like, the kid's doing it because she feels uncomfortable. It's, like, such a bad, weird, awkward...dynamic. Don't do that." — Jen [10:28]

• Shawnee expands:

  “You're teaching your kid that they can't say no to physical things. Like, it's really a negative mentality to instill.” — Shawnee [11:06] "There's no right or wrong greeting...I think whatever greeting you're comfortable with in today's 2023, you should be able to use, and that includes kids.” — Shawnee [11:33]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Kids are super intuitive and they are, they feel when things are real and authentic versus not 100%.” — Jen [09:22]
• “Being around kids during this time has been really refreshing for me...Kids are even smarter now than they ever have been before and they will see through things.” — Shawnee [08:53]

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Key Takeaways

• Undistracted, quality attention matters more than sheer quantity.
• Open-ended questions foster dialogue—instead of one-word answers, aim for emotional check-ins.
• Relating by sharing your own experiences makes kids feel understood.
• Ditch the baby talk: Treating kids as “mini adults” (with age-appropriate limits) develops confidence and conversational abilities.
• Respect their boundaries—with affection and autonomy—encourages independence and self-confidence.
• Be patient and calm—never underestimate the power of walking away for a moment to cool off.
• Memorable one-on-one activities are deeply impactful and help children feel special.
• Model authenticity—kids notice and respond to genuine, present interaction.

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Suggested Segment Timestamps

• [01:38] — Importance of active listening and setting aside distraction-free time.
• [03:30] — Best settings for meaningful conversations with kids.
• [04:18] — How to ask open-ended questions (the "rose and thorn" method).
• [05:21] — Why “mini adult” conversations trump baby talk.
• [07:37] — Strategies for staying calm and patient.
• [08:53] — Creating an atmosphere of authenticity.
• [09:22] — The power in respecting children’s boundaries.
• [10:20] — Navigating greeting customs and consent in kids.

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Final Thoughts

Jen and Shawnee deliver a down-to-earth, practical guide for anyone hoping to become a more connected, mindful adult in children’s lives. The episode blends real-life anecdotes, expert-backed wisdom, and memorable quips, underscoring the importance of respect, presence, and patience in raising (and relating to) empowered kids.

For further input: Jen welcomes audience strategies and stories—listeners are encouraged to share their own successes in sparking genuine conversations with kids.

Transcript

[A]

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it. Hi everybody. Welcome to Habits and Hustle. We are going to be diving into a topic today that is near, very near and dear to my heart. And that is children and how to talk to them effectively. Basically how to talk to your kids. So if you're somebody who doesn't have a kid, this episode may not be for you. But if you have a niece or a nephew or a cousin and you want to learn some really easy strategies to talk with them and connect with them in a deeper way, listen to this episode because I will tell you something. I have two kids. I have an 8 year old and a 10 year old. And a lot of it has for me has been a lot of trial and error. And I'm fortunate enough because of what I do for a living, I get to speak to some of the most amazing experts in the world. Some of the best, some of the best psychologists, some of the best behaviorists. And so when I learn something, of course like a guinea pig, I go and try it out. So some of these things that we're going to talk about are things that I've noticed have really improved my, not, not just my communication with my kids, but our level of depth in our relationship because it's so important to me. And I'm always like trying to research and figure out ways to do this. And the first thing I want to talk about is when I want my kids to open up to me. Number one, I try to be an active listener when I say that I want to make sure that my phone is away, I'm paying attention, I'm making eye contact because what I think happens so often because I've been, I've been someone who's done this so often and my friends do it. When you're a working mom and you have a million things going on and you're working on like a bunch of stuff, it's really easy just to be dismissive of your kid when they want to talk to you or when you are spending time with them. What happens a lot of times is you're kind of half assing it. Like you're, they're around and you're, you think because they're around you that you're actually spending quality time, but actually that's not true. So what I like to think is very effective is when you set aside dedicated time for you and your kid to spend with each other so you actually create a set time. Not just like loosey goosey but a dedicated time and you have your phone away and you are really paying attention and you are locked in. And I think that kids feel that energy. And I think that even if it's not super often, like even if it's like 20 minutes or 10 minutes a day, when you have that real time, when you are paying full 130% attention on them, they actually feel that versus being around all the time but not really paying attention. So my first thing is dedicate an allotted amount of time, actively pay attention and listen by like I said, putting your phone away, making eye contact and not interrupting when they actually speak. Because to me what I find I get the most information when I don't say a word and they just talk. And I also find that when you're placing, when you're doing this in environments that make them comfortable, it's so important. Some of my best conversations actually with my kids have been when I'm driving them to school in the morning or when I'm putting them to bed at night, right. Because their guard is down. And that's when you can, they really feel like they can open up. So that's a few little things. The other thing I wanted to talk about is making sure when your kids are talking to you that you ask, you ask them open ended questions. These like that to me has been a big game changer. Like don't just ask them how is school because if your kid is like mine, you're gonna get a fine. Or what did you learn today? Nothing. That's what I get. But then when I'm much more specific, I started to do this thing where I say to my kids, what was your rose today and what was your thorn? And that way the rose is like the best moment of your day and the thorn is like the worst moment. But then you start under a. You get to know what your kid's doing all day or like where their attention is and then like it opens up a dialogue. So for me those things have been very effective. And the other thing is that I found to be really impactful is when I share my own experiences with things. So I tell stories about things when, you know, when I, when I relate back to maybe what they're going through based on like some of the memories I have, but how things, things were with me or stories about me. And I like to talk to my kids kind of like they're like mini adults. I'm not a big baby talker. I think baby talking is like a terrible way and sets a bad precedent. But I talk to them like they're like mini adults and kind of like my kids are always saying to me now, by the way, I should say, Johnny's here.

[B]

Sorry I'm here. I just don't have kids. I mean, I was a kid, I am a kid.

[A]

She's basically still a kid.

[B]

But I don't, she's dirty.

[A]

I don't have them.

[B]

31. You know, my birthday was on 10. 10.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I said, I wish you a happy birthday. Right, Yes, I do remember that. But she doesn't have any kids, so I'm just going to be riffing here. But, you know, she's nodding on the side. But I think that Anyway, I just wanted to kind of make it.

[B]

No. Well, I'll, I'll say your kids are very smart and it makes sense that you don't baby talk to them much. And I do notice a difference in my friends. Kids who do baby talk to their kids versus the kids who have been just spoken to as normal people, like forever. You can tell, they're, they're sharper, they use more complete sentences. And I think that they, like your kids, will engage with me on ridiculous topics.

[A]

Well, because, like that, I think to your point, it's because I never treated them like babies. Yeah. Again, I'm very age appropriate. I, I, I don't, I don't talk, I don't swear or anything like that. Don't get me wrong. Although sometimes I want to swear. But, but, but what I mean is I talk to them like they're like little people, not like little babies. I'm not big with the coddling, you know, that's just me. I don't, there's a, I believe there's a whole thing here on Coddle Culture, which is a whole other podcast altogether. But I believe in not coddling my kids, giving them free rein to be independent. What I mean by that is, you know, I don't, I'm not a helicopter parent, by the way. I'm no psychologist. I'm not claiming to be. And these are my tips that worked for me. I just want to make that clear. I'm not saying this is how you should be parenting your kid or this is some things that you absolutely have to do. All I'm saying is I'm not the guru. I'm just a person here who's tried out a lot of different tactics and through trial and error, through speaking to some of the best people in the world, these are some of the things that they said I should attempt and Try. And I'm now sharing with you the things that I found to be really helpful. So what else was I going to say? The open ended questions are really, really big. Choosing an environment like places like sharing my own experiences. Picking environments where the kids feel comfortable to open up and they're like, feel safe, get your phone away from the conversation. And really like the dedicated time makes kids feel super special, of notice. And like I do, what I do is I take, I'm like, you know, I'll take one of them each time a month for dinner by themselves or take one for ice cream or take, you know what I mean? Like you make these little special moments and I think kids remember those things. So the other one is be patient and calm. That is really hard for me. I have it written down here. Be patient and calm because it's really hard to lose your shit, especially when you got a lot on your mind. And if we can take a beat and a moment and just take a deep breath or walk away and then come back, I find that to be way more effective than yelling. I find when I've done that many times, my kids get super anxious. Doesn't get, it doesn't get me anywhere. I get unhappy and it actually ends up making things worse. So taking a breather, walking away if you have to and coming right back and then approaching a situation with more calmness and being patient really gives your kid that feeling of being comfortable and close. So I think those are my top, those are the ones I, I really strongly believe in. Give them a shot if you have a kid. Shawnee, I know you, like I said, you don't have any kids, but do you want to add anything to that?

[B]

I will say being around kids during this time has been really refreshing for me just because obviously you can't really bring them like the, you know, the gruesome bad news of everything. But what I have seen a lot of parents do is just kind of explain to their kids like, you know, certain things that are going on and sort of getting them involved to a general degree of just like feeling part of the community and doing things like that. And I think that's really awesome. But I think kids are smart. Kids are even smarter now than they ever have been before and they will see through things.

[A]

I think kids are super intuitive and they are, they feel when things are real and authentic versus not 100%. I want to just make one more comment and then we can like, you know, close this out. That when I was saying I want my kids to have A feeling of independence. What I mean by that also is, like, kind of respecting your children's boundaries, you know? Like, I think that is really, really important. Because if that's what I meant by not being a helicopter mom. Right. I think that it seems, like, trite or silly, but I do believe that also creates more confident. Bold. Bold. Hear that?

[B]

We haven't used that word.

[A]

Independent. I know. Independent children.

[B]

So wait, that's really important. By the way, physical boundaries especially, I think are really important to give your kids autonomy over that from a young age, to develop those skills of being able to say, no, I don't want to hug. And being respected for that, I think is actually really valuable. It's a lesson that I feel like a lot of people in my generation wish that they would have learned.

[A]

Oh, gosh. Okay. That's really fun. I want to say one funny story. Not funny kind of funny, I guess. Just annoying.

[B]

Funnier than what's happening now.

[A]

I have. Yeah, right. I have this friend right now. A friend who always, like, forces her kids to, like, give me a hug and a kiss when they see me, like, go give Jennifer. And she's like, the kid is so awkward and uncomfortable. And they're like, go, give her a hug and a kiss. Give Dylan a hug and a kiss. Give, you know, Noah. Like, give the whole family. And she's, like, so uncomfortable, and it makes me uncomfortable, the kids uncomfortable. And I'm like, lady, not gonna say her name. Like, chill out. Like, I don't need the hug and kiss. And, like, the kid's doing it because she feels uncomfortable. It's, like, such a bad, weird, awkward. Like, just. It's just dynamic. It's like a weird thing. Don't do that.

[B]

You're teaching your kid that they can't say no to physical things. Like, it's. It's really a negative mentality to instill. And. And, like, no one should have to feel like they have to do things. Like, there's no right or wrong greeting. In Japan, you bow. Do you know what I mean? In France, you kiss both cheeks, right? In Italy, I think you kiss three. Like. Like, greetings are different everywhere. Here we have handshakes for business meetings. Like, I think whatever greeting you're comfortable with in today's 2023, you should be able to use, and that includes kids.

[A]

I like that we're gonna end with that, by the way. Please leave a comment. Let me know what you think. If you have any suggestions beyond what we just talked about. If you. If you're someone who's a parent and you've had the strategy that worked, let me know, please. I'd love it. I'd love to know. And please leave a review because it really helps. I always forget to tell people that, so I'm telling you guys now. Thank you. Bye.