Podcast Summary: Hacking Your ADHD – Breaking Down Tasks and Big Feelings with Vanessa Goralkin

Episode Date: December 29, 2025
Host: William Curb
Guest: Vanessa Goralkin (Occupational Therapist & ADHD Coach)

Episode Overview

This episode features a conversation between host William Curb and Vanessa Goralkin, an occupational therapist with nearly 30 years of experience specializing in ADHD, executive function, and emotional regulation. The discussion delves into why people with ADHD struggle with everyday tasks (even ones they want to do), how anxiety and executive dysfunction intersect, emotional regulation techniques, and practical strategies to break down overwhelming problems into manageable steps. Vanessa also explains how shifting language, pre-planning for crises, and understanding comorbidities like anxiety, depression, and OCD can make a huge difference for those with ADHD.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What Is Occupational Therapy and Its Role with ADHD?

• [03:08] Vanessa Goralkin: “Occupational therapy…has an unfortunate name, kind of like ADHD, which is poorly named because ADHD is oftentimes an over-attention, not an under-attention…Occupation refers to what you do in a day and in your life…we help people to adapt to their circumstances.”
• OT isn’t just for kids—it is becoming more recognized as helpful for adults with ADHD, though the field is still developing in this area.

The Stigma Around ADHD and “Fixing” People

• Both agree that ADHD is not something to be "fixed," but about learning to adapt.
• [06:03] Vanessa Goralkin: “Teaching people with ADHD how to adapt to more neurotypical environments is extremely helpful…But I heard on your show and I agree…that children with ADHD suffer so much criticism in their childhood. They're called lazy…‘Why don’t you just…?’ And those are the 24-letter words in my practice…We really don't want to be saying about ourselves at all.”

The Problem with “Should” and “Just”

• [10:32] Vanessa Goralkin: “‘Should’ is probably, like, the six-letter word…let's stop and examine that…All of those things and assumptions and black-and-white thinking…if you get one thing wrong, you're always wrong.”
• Both speakers emphasize how reframing thought patterns from judgment to curiosity opens up possibilities for action.
• Notable Technique: When you hear “should” or “just” in self-talk, pause to examine what’s really going on beneath the judgment.

Challenges with Task Initiation and Breaking Things Down

• Breaking down even simple routines (like getting out of bed) into micro-steps can help.
• [08:46] Vanessa Goralkin: “There are many steps to getting out of bed that may become very difficult for somebody who has trouble getting out of bed in the morning…An occupational therapist could help break those steps into very small parts.”

Emotional Regulation and Therapy Approaches

• [13:14] Vanessa Goralkin: Introduces Internal Family Systems, explaining how different “parts” of ourselves may have conflicting agendas, e.g., justified anger vs. wise self.
• The feeling often comes before the thought, especially in ADHD and anxiety—sometimes CBT isn't enough; DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) may also be helpful.

Depression, Anhedonia, and the Pain of Inaction

• William shares what it feels like to “know” solutions but still not do them—self-sabotage during depressive episodes.
• [16:22] Vanessa Goralkin: “Depression is an illness in and of itself…that blinding yourself, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, can make it really hard to get anything accomplished.”
• Having pre-planned “crisis plans” help for times when executive function is even further diminished.

Comorbidities: ADHD, Anxiety, OCD, Depression

• [18:41] Vanessa Goralkin: “If you think about ADHD being part of a Venn diagram—in circles around ADHD, you're gonna have OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, definitely gonna have depressive disorders, disorders of mood.”
• Importance of differentiating ADHD from OCD and when routines become maladaptive compulsions (rituals for the sake of ritual vs. forward movement).

Executive Function and Working Memory Tricks

• Challenges of multi-step instructions; writing things down or using voice notes can help offload working memory requirements.
• [27:27] Vanessa Goralkin: “That working memory issue is really a big issue…that's why it can be helpful to write things down, or make a voice note…”

Why “Solutions” Sometimes Stop Working

• [28:31] Vanessa Goralkin: “No solution works for every person with ADHD…and often solutions that work…start out by working and then don’t work. This flips people out…Nothing’s wrong with you—except for, you know, ADHD is happening here…We need the novelty…”

Emotional Regulation: Techniques and Tips

Micro-Interventions for Overwhelm

• [31:20] Vanessa Goralkin: Breathwork like box breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8), focusing especially on the longer exhale to activate the parasympathetic response.
• The “diving response” (cold water on face, ice packs, or cold plunges) can rapidly shift emotional state and promote grounding.
  • [33:35] William Curb: Shares his experience with polar plunges: “It kind of gives, like, instant mindfulness. And then when I get out…I’m feeling now more than I usually do.”
• Grounding exercises: 5-4-3-2-1 technique (senses check-in) or simply lying on the ground to anchor physical awareness.
• [35:00] Vanessa Goralkin: Advises developing a crisis plan ahead of time (favorite show, weighted blanket, friend to call).

Navigating “Anxious Avoidance” and Demand Sensitivity

• [38:53] Vanessa Goralkin: Describes “Pervasive Demand Autonomy”—the tendency to instantly say no, even to things you want to do (including demands from yourself), as a form of anxious avoidance.

• Suggests using declarative rather than interrogative language for requests, and offering transition time.

  “I'd really like to go see my parents this weekend” (declarative) versus “Would you like to go…?” (interrogative) — [41:13]

Strategies for Family and Interpersonal Dynamics

• Understanding that demand avoidance and "automatic no" isn’t defiance but a way of managing anxiety or overwhelm
• For children and adults: catching and supporting their need for autonomy and processing time.

Memorable Quotes

• On “Just” and “Should”:

  • "Why don't you just…? Let's talk about getting out of bed. There are many steps…that may become very difficult for somebody who has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." — Vanessa Goralkin [08:46]

• On Emotional Overload:

  • "Oftentimes, and especially in people with ADHD...the feeling comes before a thought even happens. And oftentimes we attach a thought to a feeling." — Vanessa Goralkin [11:06]

• On ADHD Solutions:

  • "No solution works for every person with ADHD. And oftentimes solutions that work for people start out by working and then don't work...We need the novelty, we need the challenge of something different." — Vanessa Goralkin [28:31]

• On Emotional Regulation:

  • "One that people sometimes hate at first, but it does work is focus on breathing. But I’m not a fan of 'take a deep breath.' ...I’ll teach people box breathing which really focuses on the exhale." — Vanessa Goralkin [31:20]

• On Self-Compassion:

  • “Looking at yourself as a broken person is the last thing I, as an ADHD therapist and specialist, would want to see anyone think of themselves as… The people who don’t [understand you] are probably just not your people.” — Vanessa Goralkin [48:43]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:08] — What is Occupational Therapy?
• [06:03] — ADHD and criticism/language ("lazy," "should," "just")
• [08:46] — Breaking down routines and task initiation
• [13:14] — Internal Family Systems and conflicting feelings
• [16:22] — Major depression, crisis planning, and self-sabotage
• [18:41] — Comorbidities: ADHD, anxiety, OCD, depression
• [25:54] — Executive dysfunction, "adulting," and micro-steps
• [27:27] — Working memory strategies
• [28:31] — Why strategies stop "working"
• [31:20] — Emotional regulation hacks: breathwork, cold, grounding
• [38:53] — Demand avoidance, "no" response, declarative language
• [46:13] — Understanding, labels, and accepting neurodiversity
• [48:43] — Words of encouragement and self-acceptance

Takeaway Tips & Closing Thoughts

[49:39 – 50:39]: William’s Top Tips Recap

1. Break overwhelming tasks into the smallest possible steps.
2. Be mindful of language—replace “should” and “just” with less judgmental alternatives.
3. Have a crisis plan set up before you need it.

Final Message
Vanessa urges listeners to reject the idea of being broken and instead view themselves as works in progress who deserve understanding and acceptance.

Summary at a Glance

• ADHD isn't about being "broken" or "lazy". Language shapes self-concept; words like "just" and "should" are counterproductive.
• Breaking down tasks and emotional states into micro-steps makes them manageable.
• Emotional dysregulation requires both reactive (breathing, grounding) and proactive (crisis planning) strategies.
• Comorbidities (anxiety, depression, OCD) are common and affect how ADHD shows up day-to-day.
• Not all solutions will work indefinitely—novelty can be essential for sustaining helpful habits.
• Compassion, patience, and curiosity towards oneself are vital in navigating the ADHD experience.

For more resources, visit hackingyouradhd.com/215.