Hacking Your ADHD, Episode Summary

Podcast: Hacking Your ADHD
Host: William Curb
Guest: Dr. Tracy Dalgleish (clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and author)
Episode: Building Stronger Teams in Relationships
Date: November 3, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the importance of teamwork within romantic partnerships, particularly when navigating relationships with extended family, ADHD, and generational expectations. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish shares her evidence-based approach to help couples become more connected, set boundaries, and face family challenges together—especially timely as the holidays approach.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relationships Aren’t in a Vacuum

• [02:28] William notes that many people see relationships as “just this one-on-one thing,” ignoring the broader ecosystem of family and social connections.
• [04:29] Dr. Tracy asks, “Do you marry your partner or do you marry their family?”—setting up the struggle many face with in-laws and extended family.

2. Breaking Free from “Have-To’s” and Family Tradition

• [05:18] William shares his family’s choice not to host Thanksgiving anymore due to stress, illustrating changing norms around family obligations.
• [06:25] Dr. Tracy observes, “People are choosing differently today,” moving away from rituals that don't work for their nuclear family.

3. The Vault Method: Building Foundation Together

• [06:49] Dr. Tracy introduces her "Vault" methodology—a 5-step process for getting partners on the same team and aligning on values.
  • First Step: Flexibility and prioritizing what truly matters as a couple.
  • [07:49] She encourages listeners to ask, “Are we ruled by what’s morally right, or by what matters to us?”

4. Recognizing Cultural and Gendered Family Dynamics

• [09:51] Dr. Tracy explains why the book is focused on the wife-mother-in-law dynamic, emphasizing changing family roles and generational expectations:
  • Women as “the kin keepers” often shoulder more invisible mental load.
  • In-laws’ subtle criticisms are often “death by a thousand paper cuts” ([11:40]).

5. Navigating Dismissiveness and Defensiveness

• [12:54] William relates how men, seeing family conflicts as “just the way it is,” may dismiss their partners’ feelings.
• [13:20] Dr. Tracy: “Dismissing and defensiveness... you’re trying to protect something. It’s a defense mechanism.” Conflict can tap into deeper issues like shame and adequacy.

6. ADHD, Family Roles, and Generational Shifts

• [14:01]–[16:57] They discuss how ADHD complicates family dynamics, especially if a mother has always supported her son’s executive functioning:
  • Dr. Tracy: “Moms are the ones who have been putting those systems in place. And so they want to continue to see that happen.”
• Neurodivergent dynamics can result in one partner taking on a caretaking role, adding stress if unaddressed.

7. Communication Breakdown and Relationship as a Team

• [18:57] Dr. Tracy illustrates her therapy framework: “It’s you and me against the problem”—shifting from blaming each other to teamwork.
  • Notable metaphor: Moving from “tennis singles” to “tennis doubles.”

8. ADHD, Overwhelm, and Burnout—Especially for Women

• [20:54]–[22:26] Dr. Tracy discusses how high-functioning women hit new limits after having children. Lifelong coping strategies break down under new pressures—possibly revealing previously masked ADHD.

9. Physical & Emotional Resilience Stems from Connection

• [24:03] Dr. Tracy shares a personal story: “If you and your partner can’t even look at each other and be in the same room... everything is going to feel harder. You are more resilient... when you are more connected and you feel like you’re on the same team.”

10. Navigating Conflict and Reconnection

• [28:21] Strategies for when everything feels off after a fight:

  • The Mulligan: “Can I have a mulligan?” (a do-over or a fresh start) ([28:21])
  • Express Gratitude: Even if pride resists, “I know we’ve got this hard moment here, but I’m so grateful that it’s you and I in this together.”
  • Physical Touch: “Put your hand on their shoulder and squeeze them.” Touch helps downregulate and reconnect.

  “Those are just those three ways that could really disarm each other so you can come back closer so you don’t end the night in that gridlock argument."
  — Dr. Tracy [29:58]

11. Boundaries: Not Control, But Choice

• [32:14] William: “People can’t break your boundaries. You’re breaking them yourself because it’s what you’re setting up as what’s acceptable.”
• [32:25] Dr. Tracy: “When mom [mother-in-law] comes over and knocks on the door unannounced... you didn’t respect your boundary. You didn’t uphold the limit.” The essence of boundaries is self-agency, not control.

12. Dealing with Hot-Button Issues & Self-Boundaries

• [35:39]–[36:52] ADHD impulsivity can make sticking to self-boundaries harder. Prepare with your partner for predictable triggers at family gatherings and focus on self-compassion when things don’t go as planned.

13. Repair, Not Perfection

• [39:16] The post-mortem: After a tough family event, focus on what went well before critiquing. Dr. Tracy: “We have to come in with compassion and curiosity for each other and not criticism and contempt.”

14. Emotional Honesty and Modeling for Kids

• [39:16]–[42:38] William describes telling his kids, “This is what you’re doing right now is really frustrating me,” which illuminated how self-awareness and honesty strengthen all relationships.
• Dr. Tracy: “You’re doing self and other, and that’s what creates a healthy relationship.”

15. Drop Your Ego: The Power of Repair

• [42:38] Dr. Tracy: “Drop your ego. It’s not about you being wrong. Recognize that you’re putting your relationship before your need to be right, and that will get you a long way.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On teamwork:

  “We’re no longer playing tennis singles, we’re playing tennis doubles. Who’s got the ball? Who’s moving where? How do we do this together?”
  — Dr. Tracy [18:57]

• On boundaries:

  "You can’t stop someone from knocking, but you can decide whether you’ll open the door."
  — William Curb [44:14]

• On self-boundaries:

  “A boundary is not about you having to over-explain yourself for your decision, your choice, or your need.”
  — Dr. Tracy [34:24]

• On reconnecting after conflict:

  “Can I have a mulligan? ...be the bigger person. Go to your partner, put your ego to the side and say, ‘I know we’ve got this hard moment here, but I’m so grateful that it’s you and I in this together.’”
  — Dr. Tracy [28:21]

• On the importance of repair:

  “As long as we’re coming back together and repairing... when we can come back together, that’s just everything.”
  — Dr. Tracy [42:59]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:28] The impact of extended family on couple relationships
• [04:29] Holidays and resurgent family tension
• [06:49] The "Vault" method: flexibility and prioritizing values
• [09:51] Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamics and "death by a thousand paper cuts"
• [12:54] Dismissive responses and why they happen
• [14:01] ADHD and “the helpful mother” dynamic
• [18:57] “Us against the problem” teamwork metaphor
• [24:03] Resetting after a tough day; therapist as a “real human”
• [28:21] Using the “mulligan,” gratitude, and touch to reconnect
• [32:14] Boundaries: self-responsibility
• [35:39] ADHD, impulsivity, and sticking to self-boundaries
• [39:16] Post-conflict repair & emotional communication with kids/partners
• [42:38] Dropping ego for the sake of repair

Final Thoughts & Resources

• Dr. Tracy’s new book provides preemptive tools and scripts for couples at any stage—whether it’s prepping for in-laws, weddings, babies, or just everyday navigation of extended family with ADHD in the mix.
• The biggest takeaways: Shift from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem,” form and honor your boundaries for yourself, and keep open channels of repair and reconnection.

For more, visit the original Show Notes at hackingyouradhd.com/255.