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William Curb (1:11)

Welcome to Hacking youg adhd. I'm your host William Curb and I have ADHD on this podcast. I dig into the tools, tactics and best practices to help you work with your ADHD brain. Hey team. Over the last few weeks it has been increasingly difficult for me to keep myself focused on what I want to be focused on. I don't think I have to particularly speak to the reasons why we're all handling the state of the world in our own ways. In many ways, it has a similar feeling to the beginning of the pandemic, where I felt like I needed to pay extra attention to the news because so many people around me were just ignoring all the alarm bells. Trying to deal with all of this while also having to grapple with the cognitive dissonance of having to go on with real life while all of this is going on at the same time can feel incredibly difficult. It feels like we should just be able to press pause on all the other things going on in our life right now, regardless of how we feel. Time marches on. In today's episode, we're tackling how to navigate life when focus feels impossible. Why we turn to numbing when we're overwhelmed and most importantly, how we can break out of that cycle in ways that might actually support us. If you'd like to follow along in the Show Notes page, you can find that@hackingyouradhd.com 212 are you looking for a little push to help you manage your adhd? Well, one of the best places to get that nudge can come from coaching, and today's sponsor, Shimmer, might just be the right one for you. You may recall my recent conversation with Shimmer's co founder Chris in episode 207. We talked about the importance of community setting process oriented goals and living true to your values. Shimmer Coaching is designed by experts in ADHD who are not only academically qualified, but also have personal experience with ADHD through their personalized one on one coaching. Your program is tailored to help you in ways that you need it the most. If you're ready to start making some real change in your life, visit Shimmer Care and use the promo code hackingyouradhd for a 30% discount on your first month. That link again is Shimmer Care with promo code hackingyouradhd. Alright, keep on listening to Find out How to keep going When Life Feels Impossible One of the stories I haven't talked about much on this podcast is about one of the most difficult times of my life, which was right after my mom died. It was a sudden, unexpected event. I saw her one week and then was away for the weekend and she was gone. And life went on. And I don't mean that in the sense that I moved on from her death quickly, but rather that life didn't screech to a halt or standstill like I thought it might. There were things that needed to get done, not just in the sense that I now had to deal with all the work that comes along with someone dying, things like informing the rest of the family, preparing the funeral and clearing out her house. But also, my kids still had to get to school. They also needed to eat. I needed to eat too. Then of course, laundry, dishes, showers, checking email, taking out the trash, and everything else that goes along with living your life. I mean, even after the day she died, my daughter had parent teacher conferences. I didn't have to go, but I didn't want to stay home alone either. So I went along. And it was incredibly surreal how the world just didn't stop in place for my tragedy. Now this occurred before I started the podcast, so I can't imagine how I would have handled trying to keep going with it at the same time and of course, no one would have blamed me for taking time off. And just as a side note here, working my way through my mom's death was a big factor in getting this podcast launch, with the first episode coinciding with the anniversary of her passing. She was a big believer in serendipity, so it felt fairly appropriate. But as I said, no one would have blamed me for taking time off. It would have been expected even. But now, with everything that's going on in the world, we are just expected to keep going. We still have to eat, we still have bills to pay. There are still things on my to do list that I want to make sure get done. And yet my focus wavers. Even in the best of times, I can have trouble staying focused on what I want to concentrate on right now. I need to put in that extra effort if I want to keep going, but that's not always the level of effort I have available. I think it's vital that we are acknowledging that it takes this extra effort right now. Because if there's one thing I can't stop harping on when doing this podcast, it's how important it is to non judgmentally step back and observe what's actually going on with us. One of my first inclinations when starting to work on this episode was talk about how to get ourselves to focus. When focusing is hard, ways we can push through that resistance and to be sure we're going to get to some of that. But first, let's also try to give ourselves a bit of grace. It's okay if you're having a hard time and we're not always going to be able to push through everything. Just take a breath and go easy on yourself. Okay, let's start off by talking a little bit about numbing. When we're numbing, we're trying to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions or realities. This can include overindulgences in tv, social media, food, alcohol, drugs. But importantly, numbing can also come from things that aren't vices. For example, a few weeks ago I was checking in with a friend and he told me that the way he was dealing with everything was just to really dive into his work. He figured he'd just make it so that he was so busy that he couldn't even consider what was going on in the world. Now remember, our definition of numbing is behaviors focused on avoiding our feelings. This means this guy was absolutely using numbing by trying to overwork himself and avoid feeling feeling his feelings. I also know people who dive into exercise in a similar way. And I do want to emphasize when I'm talking about this, I'm specifically speaking about doing these activities specifically to avoid feeling how you're feeling, because working and exercising are still important things to do. Now, with this in mind, there are a few questions that are popping up for me. The first being, well, what's so bad about numbing when everything's out of control? Because it does feel like it would be nice to zone out for a while and not think about everything going on. It feels like the more I pay attention to everything, the more stressed I feel and that at some point I'm just gonna pop. So maybe I do need to disengage, even if for just a little bit. And yeah, don't let yourself pop. That's also super not helpful, especially if that popping involves yelling at your friends or family or going down some other self destructive rabbit hole. Don't do that. But we also have to know that we have more options than just numbing out or hyper stress. I know with adhd moderation can be incredibly difficult, but I'm not even really talking about moderation here. What I'm trying to say is that we have more than just those two options. There are other ways that we can direct ourselves that are going to be better options in both the short term and long term. It's also important to note that while it can feel like we could enter a state of being comfortably numb and just kind of go with the flow, the truth is that when we're in that state, we're just hiding from our feelings. But they're still there, just under the surface. Being comfortable implies a sense of being at ease, a sense of contentment. But what numbing brings is a detached indifference. Numbing may feel like the natural response to stress, and in some ways it is. But it's only meant to be temporary. It's a way for us to cope when things get to be too much. Sometimes we just need some time to stare at the wall. And trust me, I get it. When things feel out of control, it is tough to engage in the ways we want to this episode has been on the backburner for the last few weeks because it wasn't something I could handle writing at the time. It's completely acceptable to say, hey, I can't handle this right now and tune out for a bit to give yourself some time to regroup and feel maybe just a little bit better, but this doesn't work as a long term solution. Now with that said, I know one of my biggest faults is Often when I'm trying to get into the mindset of turning things around, I fall into the trap of thinking, time to go big or go home. Because, well, of course I want to go big. If I'm making a change, let's really get something going. But that's not how we want to approach this. I mean, with my track record, more often than not, go big or go home means that, well, I'm going home. We don't need the ultimate plan where I never rest and I feel great all the time and everything always gets done and I guess I just don't have ADHD anymore. Plan Please raise your hand if you have written something like that. Not in those words, but in those ideas. Because I know I have and it just feels so good at the moment. And then, wow, yeah, that is not something I'm ever going to be able to follow through on. Because that's not really a plan. It's a fantasy. And not even a particularly good one. This is essential to remember when we're trying to talk about moving away from numbing. We need to pace ourselves and allow ourselves to take breaks. Which of course is tricky because taking those breaks can resemble the same numbing behaviors we're trying to avoid. Understanding your intentions, feelings, and the outcomes is crucial for distinguishing between genuinely taking a break and engaging in numbing behavior. Numbing is a form of escapism. We're trying to distract ourselves from reality. When we take breaks, the intention is to rest and rejuvenate. We are typically more present and aware during the activity, even if it's just relaxing or involves doing nothing. And really, our two biggest indicators here come from are we engaging with something mindlessly or not? And then how we feel when we're done with numbing, we often feel worse after the fact because while we are able to relieve some of the stress, it was only really in the moment. Generally, a break should leave you feeling refreshed, or at least a little bit more relaxed. Think about doomscrolling. This is not an activity I typically intend to partake in, and yet I find myself looking at post after post looking for I don't even know and when I'm finally able to break myself free. I usually couldn't tell you much about what I read, but I do know I generally feel worse. I'm doing it because I want to stay informed, but I also know that with how my brain is currently operating, trying to stay focused on longer form content isn't working particularly well. Now, as a quick aside here, one of the Things that I found that can be particularly helpful when trying to go and read through those longer form articles is to use an text to speech app like Speechify to read them. For me, stress makes my dyslexia worse, which means I read slower, which means my ADHD kicks in. And then I get bored because I'm reading so slowly, which makes my concentration shift, which makes it even harder to read. Yeah, it's a bad time, but when I have something that's doing the reading for me, much better. With numbing activities, it can be funny, but not haha funny where I'm coming out of them and I feel like I need to take a break. And this is because again, while numbing activities may relieve some of what I'm feeling, it's typically only temporary relief. As soon as life kicks back in, so do those negative feelings. Of course, sometimes we do need that band aid solution, but it's not something we want to get used to leaning on. On the other hand, when I'm trying to take a break, I'm going to be doing something that lets me engage with myself a bit more. So this isn't me saying that I need to take a deep dive into my feelings here. Just whatever I'm doing for my break isn't specifically about trying to disengage. For example, right now I've gotten really into doing these codeword puzzles. They are kind of like a reverse crossword puzzle instead of clues. Each letter in the Alphabet is represented by a number. The goal is to figure out which numbers correspondent to which letters, using a few given letters as hints to fill in the grid. So when I'm doing a codeware puzzle, I'm clearly not trying to engage with my feelings. I'm just trying to figure out how to make some words appear when my only clue letters are D, X, and Q. But just as importantly here, doing these puzzles isn't something I can use to disengage with my feelings. I'm not just sinking into my puzzles to avoid the world. Now, this isn't to say that someone couldn't use doing puzzles to completely disengage. In fact, I'm sure there are people who do just that. But let's go back to our differentiation between numbing and breakshow do we feel afterward? Typically, after a puzzle or two, I feel mentally ready to move on. I don't feel trapped in what I'm doing. And that's just what we're looking for. How do I feel afterward? Do I feel good? Do I feel bad? Do I feel ready to do something else. And this idea of checking in on how you feel is a great practice to bring into your everyday it's incredibly easy for us to just ignore what we're feeling as we get swept up in our day. Often when I'm acknowledging how I'm feeling, it's because something went wrong. Maybe it's that I finally notice that I really need to pee because now my bladder hurts or I'm so hungry that I'm feeling lightheaded. Maybe I've been sitting in a chair funny and I only just now notice that my leg is completely asleep and my back hurts. And this also applies to our emotional states. If I just scrolled through some headlines, I'm probably feeling a plethora of emotions. Sad about a plane crash, angry about a confirmation hearing, Scared about what's coming next, Apathetic about the fact that I feel like I can't do anything about it, and maybe a little guilty that I'm not doing more. One of the things that we need to consider with executive dysfunction that comes with ADHD is that we also have a lot of trouble regulating our emotions, and our emotions are a big part of how we're able to regulate the rest of our lives. This is one of the reasons that numbing ourselves can feel like our best option. It's a lot easier to regulate myself if I'm not feeling anything. And of course, sometimes that's absolutely what we're going to need to help us cope with whatever we're dealing with. But we also can't spend all day, every day, numbing ourselves out to everything. That means we need to work on identifying how we're feeling and then moving forward from there. With that knowledge, we can then start approaching what we can do, because often it feels like all we have is our little bucket of water and we're standing in front of a great big fire. So my final advice in this episode is to work on finding community in any way you can. Because yes, all we have is our single bucket. But you don't have to go it alone. With a community behind us and shoulder to shoulder, every one of our buckets suddenly starts to make a difference. Despair tells us that there's nothing we can do, but there's always something you can do. You can always resist. This resistance has become my strongest motivator recently. I'm not going to give in to despair, because that's what they want. I'm going to keep making things. I'm going to keep working out harder. I'm going to write more. I'm going to become the best version of myself because by doing so I'm resisting. And that's always worth doing. Thanks for sticking with me all the way to the end. Before you go though, let's do a quick rundown of Today's top tips. 1. More than anything, I want to remind everyone to give themselves grace when they're going through something. We're not always going to get it right, but being hard on ourselves is never the right answer. 2. Throughout your day, take a moment to check in with how you're feeling. We tend to ignore our feelings until they become something that we have to deal with when they're overwhelming. 3. Forget about the go big or go home mentality. Tiny changes like five minutes of mindful breathing or taking a short walk are more effective than drastic, unrealistic plans. 4. When everything feels overwhelming, find support. Whether it's a friend, an online group, or a therapist, you don't have to do everything everything alone. Alright, that's it. Thanks for listening. I'd love to hear what you thought of this episode. Feel free to connect with me over@hackingyouradhd.com contact. You can also find me on Blue sky or on YouTube. HackingYourADHD. If you'd like links or to read this episode's transcript, you can go to the show notes page@hackingyouradhd.com 212 Today's episode was powered by Shimmer, the number one ADHD coaching platform for teens and adults at Shimmer Coaching goes beyond the basics, integrating strengths based development and one on one sessions designed just for you. Work with your coach to determine how to use these strengths to tackle day to day tasks and achieve long term goals and help you bridge the gap between what you want to do and what you're actually doing. Jumpstart your journey at Shimmer Care and use promo code hackingyouradhd for a 30% discount on your first month. Unlock your potential today. That link again is Shimmer Care with promo code HACKINGYOURSHD. If you'd like even more hacking your ADHD, be sure to sign up for my newsletter any and all distractions which comes out every other week. In it, I give out my best distractions of the week, be they what I'm reading, what I'm playing, or what I'm watching. I also try to give out a few bits of actionable advice in each newsletter, although your mileage is going to vary there. If that sounds like something you're interested in, head over to hackingyouradhd.comnewsletter to sign up. I also want to let you know about the Hacking youg ADHD Patreon that I've been reworking. You can easily find that@hackingyouradhd.com Patreon I'm going with a pay what you want model, meaning that all levels of Patreon will receive the same stuff. You can pay $0 or $2 or $10 and it's all the same to me. The only real difference coming from roles that are assigned on the Hacking youg ADHD Discord. Which reminds me that I also wanted to announce that we're now on Discord, which you can access through the Patreon, which again is pay what you want. So if you want to come check out either of those, just go to hackingyouradhd.com Patreon and sign up. Also, don't forget to go subscribe to our YouTube channel, which you can find@YouTube.com hackingradyhd and if you still want other ways to support the show, the best way you can do so is to tell someone about the show, especially if you think a particular episode would resonate with them. Just click the share button on your podcast player. And now for your moment of dad. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart Choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.