Podcast Summary: Hacking Your ADHD

Episode Title: You Might Also Like: Sorry, I Missed This from Understood.org
Host: William Curb (intro only) | Featured Podcast Host: Kate Osborne (Katiosaurus)
Guest: Caroline McGuire, M.Ed., Author and ADHD Coach
Date: June 23, 2025

Overview

This episode is a shared feature from the podcast Sorry I Missed This, where host Kate Osborne and guest Caroline McGuire delve into the impact of ADHD on social skills, friendships, and authentic self-expression. The conversation explores why individuals with ADHD may struggle with relationships, how executive function challenges affect social development, and offers practical strategies for building genuine connections while honoring neurodivergent needs.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Authentic Self vs. People Pleasing

• Kate shares her personal journey of often fitting herself to others' interests to gain acceptance, rather than exploring her own likes and needs.
  • "I was chameleoning and I was becoming somebody else for the sake of hoping and praying that they would overlook the struggles that I have socially in order to keep me around. And the more I did that, the lonelier and lonelier I got, the more and more friends I made." (02:21)
• ADHD can lead to masking – crafting artificial personas in hopes of social inclusion, which can later breed loneliness and self-alienation.

2. How ADHD Fundamentally Impacts Social Skills

• Caroline outlines the core executive dysfunctions that create challenges:
  • Organization, time management, perception, emotional regulation, impulsivity (05:23)
  • Missing key social cues or milestones, leading to lower confidence and slower social development.
  • "If I don't hang out with people in high school, if I'm not included, I don't have those social milestones. And so my skills are kind of lagging." (06:16)

3. The Adult Impact: Social Anxiety, Loneliness, and Low Confidence

• Adults with ADHD often struggle with approaching new people and nurturing friendships, feeling unsure how to proceed even when opportunities arise.
• "We don't really know what to do to approach other people, make friends and connect with them." (07:00, Caroline)
• This often leads to "people-pleasing" and accepting less-than-ideal or one-sided relationships.

4. Rejection Sensitivity and Emotional Narratives

• The cycle of social anxiety and self-critique, often rooted in early experiences with exclusion, may evolve into rejection-sensitive dysphoria in adulthood.
  • "I'm filled with this terrible inner narrator. ...I also tend to people please and take anybody who'll be friends with me." (08:14, Caroline)
• Both hosts highlight the exhausting mental gymnastics required to navigate uncertainty and perceived rejection.

5. Knowing and Pursuing Your Authentic Interests

• Caroline emphasizes that interest is "your fuel.” Identifying and pursuing genuine interests is pivotal for forming lasting connections.
  • "If you know the activities and places where you would be interested, then if you go there, you're more likely to meet people with similar interests." (11:24)
• Avoiding “faking it” for approval is crucial—otherwise, relationships are built on a false premise and drain energy.

6. The ADHD "Chameleon Effect"

• Many with ADHD become adept at mimicking others’ interests for social gain but may eventually lose their sense of self. Personal anecdotes from both hosts illustrate this:
  • "20 years later, you're like, I don't actually like Star Wars at all. I've just been saying that the whole time." (12:40, Kate)
  • "I had someone who joined a kayaking thing... but they didn't like kayaking. Then you're with people who want to kayak." (14:22, Caroline)

7. Building True Connections: Self-Awareness and Vulnerability

• Both speakers agree that developing self-awareness and embracing vulnerability are key steps for building energy-giving, not energy-sapping, relationships.
  • "You really have to know yourself, and you really have to know the person that you want to be in order to, like, really become the person who has the friends that, like, don't suck the energy out of you." (16:01, Kate)
• Both share humorous and poignant personal stories about past efforts to fit in and how that evolution toward authenticity was sometimes awkward but worthwhile.

8. Managing Emotional Reasoning and Executive Dysfunction

• Caroline recommends pausing before reactive communication (e.g., sending multiple apologetic texts when anxious), and being kind to oneself regarding emotional missteps.
  • "When you're in that state, don't send the text, don't write on social media. Pause, wait 24 hours." (19:07, Caroline)
• ADHDers are often told to "just" fix things, but this ignores complexity; shame and executive function barriers make advice like "just keep a planner" trivializing.

9. Resilience Against Societal Judgment

• Caroline encourages compassion for oneself amidst unhelpful or judgmental societal commentary (e.g., strangers making irrelevant remarks about medication).
  • "The way that I have always done it is to say they know not what they do." (22:54, Caroline)
• She stresses the importance of focusing on strengths and building one’s self-talk to counter negativity.

10. Dopamine, Friendship, and Avoiding "Love Bombing"

• The episode discusses dopamine-driven social pursuit – the tendency to over-invest in new friendships and then disappear.
  • "That new friendship is bright and sparkly and you're chasing it for that reason. ...But then you rushed in and you could be friends with someone and then realize, oh my God, they're totally toxic.” (27:08, Caroline)
• Moderation and gradual relationship-building are encouraged for sustainability.

Practical Advice, Tips, and Pro-Tips

Three Key Takeaways (Caroline’s “Big 3”)

(27:44-29:06)

1. Follow Your Interests
   • Your genuine interests are the best pathway to find like-minded people and natural connections.
2. Know What You Need
   • Self-awareness helps you set boundaries and environments that let you thrive socially.
3. Don’t Build on Pretending
   • Authenticity is critical; pretending drains you and keeps “your people” from finding you.

Practical Hacks for Social Connection

(29:24-34:43)

• Have a Role or Job

  • Choose activities where you can contribute or interact with a purpose (dog park, volunteering, organizing an event) to ease anxiety.
  • “If you're volunteering, ...you're running the beach cleanup. ...you have a role and I have an interactive element. So when I filter, definitely look for that role because now I'm less awkward.” (29:44, Caroline)

• Externalize Reminders

  • Use reminders, sticky notes, calendars, or anchoring habits (e.g., texting friends while waiting for the bus) to combat out-of-sight, out-of-mind social amnesia. (31:48, Caroline)

• Make Social Activities Routine/Automatic

  • Schedule recurring events (weekly trivia, classes) to avoid last-minute planning overwhelm.
  • “It becomes a habit. Then it becomes less, like, dependent on me remembering.” (32:29, Caroline)

• It’s Okay to Have Multiple “Friend Types”

  • One person doesn’t need to fulfill all your social needs; it’s healthy to have different friends for different interests.

Reframing Social Forgetfulness & Self-Worth

• Forgetting isn’t failure: Use reminders unapologetically.

  • “If you're a person who is out of sight, out of mind and forgets, be that person, own it and say, okay, what do I have to do so that I actually interact with human beings and how do I set this up for success?" (35:30, Caroline)

• Research shows forgetfulness is not why people avoid friendships—it’s more about presence and connection than perfect memory.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I was friends with people who had met this constructed and artificial version of myself. And as I got to know more about my ADHD...I started peeling back those layers..."
  – Kate Osborne (02:09)

• "When you're not picked, you feel less confident. You're less likely to reach out. You're more likely to sit on the sidelines or stay alone or think you're not all that in a bag of chips, when in fact you are."
  – Caroline McGuire (05:41)

• “If you can connect, you can show your authentic self.”
  – Caroline McGuire (11:02)

• “Is it sometimes polite to make conversation about basketball or Star wars because someone's really into it and you want them to listen to you? Absolutely. But…if you’re pretending for decades that you like something–not basing a relationship [on authenticity]…"
  – Caroline McGuire (14:44)

• (on "just" advice): "It's so much more complex than that. I don't know, I get real mad about that one."
  – Kate Osborne (21:05)

• “We are actually really good friends and we don't give ourselves credit, and that we're fabulous and fun and creative, and we have so many wonderful traits.”
  – Caroline McGuire (37:29)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:00 – Kate’s personal story: Chameleoning and social masking
• 04:05 – Guest intro: Caroline McGuire, background & qualifications
• 05:23 – ADHD’s impact on social skills: Executive dysfunction explained
• 08:10 – What awkwardness becomes in adulthood; loneliness and self-doubt
• 11:24 – The importance of knowing your true interests
• 14:22 – Caroline’s “kayaking club” example of people pleasing
• 16:00 – The vulnerability of authentic connection
• 19:07 – Caroline on emotional reasoning: Pausing before reacting
• 22:54 – Resilience against public judgment
• 27:44 – Caroline’s “Big 3” social tips
• 29:24 – Hacks: Roles/jobs in social activities
• 31:48 – Out of sight, out of mind: Externalizing social reminders
• 35:30 – Reframing forgetfulness; setting yourself up for success
• 37:29 – Final message: ADHDers are good friends, celebrate your unique value

Tone and Style

The conversation is candid, humorous, and deeply empathetic, featuring personal stories and practical advice with a validating, nonjudgmental approach. Both Kate and Caroline bring vulnerability, laughter, and hope to an often-misunderstood topic.

Useful For

• ADHDers seeking to build more authentic friendships and social confidence
• Allies and loved ones wanting to better understand the social hurdles of ADHD
• Anyone interested in practical, lived-experience insights on neurodivergent relationships

For further resources and Caroline’s work:
carolinemguireauthor.com

Standout Moment:
"We are actually really good friends and we don't give ourselves credit, and that we're fabulous and fun and creative, and we have so many wonderful traits. ...Because the biggest thing I hear from people is 'nobody wants to be friends with me.' And then I spend an hour with that person, and I can't stop talking to them. So I just don't think it's true. I think it's a perception. And I want us to just, when you hear that in your head, say something much more positive to yourself, because it is just not true. We're fabulous."
– Caroline McGuire (37:29)