Ashlyn Harris asks about Handsome starter packs

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Ashlyn Harris asks about Handsome starter packs"

Handsome – Headgum
January 20, 2026
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Guest Question Asker: Ashlyn Harris

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Overview

In this lively episode of "Handsome," comedians Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin dive into the world of “handsome starter packs.” In response to a question from former soccer pro Ashlyn Harris, the trio each crafts their essential “handsome kit,” riffing about gadgets, mustaches, cologne, vibrators, and more. The episode balances playful banter about parades, queer stories, and pets with heartfelt reflections on friendship, coming out, and personal growth—all while keeping true to the show’s fun, offbeat tone.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Life Updates & Parade Stories

• Mae and Fortune check in on Tig after she rode the Star Trek float at the 60th anniversary Rose Parade in the rain ([05:03–09:55]).

  • Tig describes being unexpectedly moved by the faces in the parade audience:

    "There was such a mix of hope and desperation in people's faces for a happy new Year...just being decent, wonderful people." – Tig Notaro ([06:06])

  • The success of "Handsome" is proven by fans yelling and waving Handsome merch at the parade ([08:34]).

• Fortune and Tig discuss the community vibes at parades, including straight and gay parades, and share personal parade memories ([09:55–12:03]).

2. Listener Question: Coming Out & Crushing

• A listener named Vivi asks for advice about telling her friend she has a crush after just coming out as a lesbian ([18:28]).
  • Mae urges patience:

    "I think...hold off for a minute...If the friendship's important to you, you could put vibes out and see if they're reciprocated." – Mae Martin ([19:21])

  • Fortune affirms: "Nothing wrong with putting a few like, subtle vibes out to see if, you know, maybe that clicks" ([20:11]).
  • Both affirm the importance of building queer friendship and community without rushing romance.

3. Mae’s Road Trip & Adventures in Firsts

• Mae recounts her first solo long drive to Joshua Tree, and a friend's puppy’s dramatic encounter with a cactus, admitting she’s not great in a crisis ([15:05–16:36]).
• The trio riffs on learning to drive, slow driving confessions, and anxiety about new driver magnets ([22:44–24:03]).
• Driving etiquette is explained—especially staying out of the left lane unless passing ([23:32]):

  "The left lane...that's the fast lane. It ain't the cruising lane." – Fortune Feimster ([24:14])

4. Tattoos, Fans & "Little Cowboy"

• Fan tattoos referencing the hosts and podcast, some in unexpected places—#MayMartinsProperty and "Little Cowboy" ([26:07–27:41]).
• The hosts debate the weirdness of hashtags in tattoos and what makes a tattoo timeless ([27:41–28:53]).

5. The "Handsome Starter Pack" – Main Segment

Ashlyn Harris’ Listener Question

• Ashlyn Harris asks:

  "If each of you were to make your very own handsome starter pack, what ridiculous items would you insist have to be included?" ([42:22])

Hosts’ Starter Packs

• Mae Martin:

  • Cinnamon toothpicks
  • Podcasting gear / microphone
  • Burnt mix CD for the car
  • Boy briefs underwear
  • Charcoal and a sketchbook ([43:52–44:52])

• Tig Notaro:

  • Suitcase/briefcase full of mustaches
  • Briefcase (childhood nod), Star Wars action figures
  • Natural deodorant
  • Collection of pets (cats, dogs, goat)
  • Acoustic guitar (for Indigo Girls covers) ([45:06–48:34])

• Fortune Feimster:

  • Suit (matching suit for her dog Biggie)
  • Mont Blanc cologne ("I like to smell good")
  • Sunglasses (hopes not to break them with her belly)
  • Curl cream
  • Vibrator ("Just a little tiny one. Only keychain.") ([57:03–58:53])
  • Wishes for "handsome" starter pack to include fun, playful, or risqué items, keeping with the podcast’s tone.

• Mae, revisited:

  • Strap-on ("the most handsome thing I do") ([58:56]).

• Running Jokes:

  • A gavel and a pineapple (callback to earlier episodes and their “pineapple apart” middle school dance story) ([51:04–51:12]).
  • “Tints and taints”—various inside jokes about merch, makeup, and anatomy ([62:48]).

Ashlyn Harris’ Own Starter Pack

• Gallon-sized water bottle ("my personality at this point")
• Chapstick
• Sexy tool belt, despite not knowing how to use a drill:

  "Because I don't really know how to use a drill, but I like to look capable." – Ashlyn Harris ([61:36])

• The hosts affirm these choices and joke about hydration and looking handy.

6. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Parade Sentimentality:

  "When I really locked in with people's faces and eyes, I was really trying to really get them to have a happy new year. I just like, man, please." – Tig Notaro ([06:41])

• On Love Bombing:

  “Love bombing would be high warmth, low intent… constant texting, gifts, talking for hours, but you don't actually have an intention.” – Mae Martin ([33:10])

• On the “Crap Fairy” (discussing how to tell a partner about morning breath):

  “It makes me laugh to think of a little fairy…like you’re sleeping with your mouth open, and she comes over and hikes her prom dress up…it’s the crap fairy.” – Tig Notaro ([35:43])

• On "Exhausted Sausages":

  "These three cats follow each other everywhere...and I call them...exhausted sausages." – Tig Notaro ([64:34])

• On making new podcast merch:

  "All of our merch is made by a seamstress, right? … I think it's mainly the mice on Cinderella." – Tig Notaro ([63:54])

• On their collective resemblance to Ashlyn Harris:

  "If you merged our faces ... we'd all be as attractive." – Tig Notaro ([61:00])

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

• [05:03–09:55] — Tig’s moving Star Trek float parade story and audience connection
• [18:28–21:29] — Listener question on coming out and queer friendship advice
• [26:07–28:53] — Tattoos inspired by the show
• [42:22–49:00] — Launch of "Handsome Starter Pack" discussion
• [57:03–58:53] — Fortune’s risqué additions to her starter pack
• [61:00–62:08] — Blending the hosts’ faces to create “the ultimate handsome”
• [64:34–65:43] — Introduction of Tig’s new phrase "exhausted sausages"

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Closing Thoughts

"Handsome" as ever delivers a mix of hilarious, heartfelt, and absurd exchanges. The “handsome starter pack” not only becomes a playful vehicle for their personalities and shared inside jokes, but also draws out deeper reflections on community, self-love, and growing up queer. Ashlyn Harris’ question energizes a segment full of wit and good-natured one-upmanship, while memorable stories and recurring jokes foster the show’s cozy enclave of friendship—even if Mae says it wrong.

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Listen for…

• Real talk on queer friendship, crushes, and love-bombing ([18:28], [33:10])
• Gag gifts like mustache suitcases and starter pack briefcases ([45:06–48:34])
• The trio’s riffs on parade joy, driving anxieties, and the essential characteristics of “handsome” people ([05:03–13:46], [22:44–24:14])
• Running bits about tattoos, exhausted sausages, and podcast merch ([26:07–28:53], [64:34])
• Quirky moments like the hunt for the “heavy metal” moment in Extreme’s “More Than Words” ([54:56–56:22], [59:35])

Overall, a classic episode full of warmth, relatability, and the signature handsome charm.

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Episode Index

• 05:03 — Tig’s Parade Anecdote
• 18:28 — Listener Q: Coming Out Crushes
• 26:07 — Tattoos & Fans
• 42:22 — Handsome Starter Pack Begins
• 61:00 — Ashlyn Harris’ Handsome Kit
• 64:34 — “Exhausted Sausages” Explained
• 68:03 — Merch Announcements

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All timestamps MM:SS based on raw episode transcript.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

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[C]

Handsome.

[A]

Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on Handsome Pod.

[B]

Cheers. Hi, it's your friend Tig Notaro sitting here with my co host, May Martin and Fortune Feimster.

[C]

Welcome to the Handsome Pod.

[B]

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. If it's your first time, please sit down. Make yourself comfortable. We are happy. Happy you're here.

[A]

Thrilled you found your way here to this little enclave of.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Friendship and.

[B]

Did you say enclave?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, no. Did I say something wrong already?

[B]

Well, I think it's two against one. I would bet it's two against one.

[C]

Fortune. I do say enclave, but that's all right. You have your Canadian spin.

[A]

You know, I've never said it out loud before. I think I've only read it. Enclave. Yeah, that sounds better.

[C]

I only know it because, as I've told y' all before, my mom used to refer to Provincetown as a gay enclave.

[B]

Yes. Yes. I Recall.

[C]

So that's. That was always steered into my brain because of that gay enclave. A gay enclave may.

[B]

Not. A gay enclave.

[A]

A gay enclave.

[C]

Well, something that is in. Is Tig's mustache. We menopause. Yeah. Menopause is really busted through.

[B]

Yes, it is.

[A]

That's just like a thick five o' clock shadow above your lip.

[B]

I have to. I have to shave it a couple times a day, actually. It's very. Yeah. Also Italian. So it's a whole situation.

[C]

That's like handlebar mustache right there. That's something that someone would grab onto and take a good old.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Take a good old. Good old what? You know.

[B]

No, what? A good old. Take a.

[C]

A good old head on the mustache.

[A]

Wait, what?

[C]

Fortunately.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay.

[C]

Try not to say it.

[A]

I know you didn't know what was happening there.

[C]

You. I thought you may. I thought you knew exactly where this was going.

[A]

I thought you were gonna say, like, a good old tug or something like that.

[C]

No, just free mustache rods.

[B]

Just menopause.

[C]

Never heard of an old mustache rod.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I like that. But if you're new to the pod, also, go to YouTube. This isn't just that Tig has sprouted a little bit of menopausal stash. There's a thick mustache happening.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm 54. I did tell someone the other day I was 45, which is not true.

[C]

Why did you say that?

[B]

I got my numbers mixed up in, like, a clock heart kind of way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, well, I'm 45. And I was like, wait, I'm not.

[C]

You know, trying to find that person to correct yourself.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

They're like, okay.

[A]

How are you both?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How are. How are you?

[A]

How are you?

[B]

Well, this is going to air quite a while after how we are today.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'll tell you, I am happy to be home and warm and dry because I was on The Star Trek 60th anniversary Rose Parade float and it was pouring rain and it was cold.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And. Yeah. I didn't know what I was quite in for. I was like. I don't know if this is really my style, but I'm gonna go out of my comfort zone here and wave to people and say, happy New Year.

[A]

Smile.

[B]

Yeah. And then, guys, something very surprising happened. What? It made me emotional.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

How so?

[A]

Like the Grinch, like, your heart grew three sizes.

[B]

Yes. Well, I feel like I'm. I'm pretty emotional. I'm pretty. Not, like, hyper, so. But things get me this. I didn't expect to get me.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. What about it got you?

[B]

There was such a mix of hope and desperation in people's faces for a happy new Year.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

You know, and like, when I was looking at these people who had made a decision to come out in the cold rain to stand for hours and wave, and this is not like just a parade full of celebrities and public figures. Some of it is just like a whole float saying, come visit Louisiana. Come visit Mississippi. And then this high school marching band.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? It's like, it's, it's not celebrity heavy. It's. It's like such a mix community. Yeah. And then to see people leaving, I don't know why it struck me, but like, when I really locked in with people's faces and eyes, I was really trying to really get them to have a happy new year. Like when I, like, I was like, like I would make eye contact and I would be like, have a happy new year. I just like, man, please. Like, I like looking into just faces of like the elderly, elderly, elderly. And then also people that you could tell maybe didn't have a lot of money, and then little kids and just. It just runs the gamut where you're just like. And they're all just being decent, wonderful people. And then you also see like these tatted up guys, tattoos up to their, up their neck.

[A]

We gotta go to the parade today.

[B]

But truly, like, somebody where you would think, oh, this person might make me uncomfortable because they look like a tough guy. And then this guy is just waving with all of his heart and soul, like, happy New Year. Like, smiling so big. And I was just like, this is killing me. This is killing me in the best way. And when I came home and told Stephanie that, she was like, that's so interesting. And I started telling her and then she teared up. She was like, wow, I get it. Like, it's so crazy. Those little moments that you do not expect are gonna get you. And then another fun surprise. What? So any handsome fans?

[A]

No.

[B]

Really screaming at me and having merchandise and T shirts, I guess. Did I mention it on here?

[A]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, okay. And people are just like, they're keeping.

[A]

It handsome in the rain and truly.

[B]

Yelling from their rain podcast.

[C]

Keep it handsome.

[B]

Like, holding their merch. And I, I just. It was really something. It was. Yeah. Yeah. And of course it would have been all that much better if it wasn't rainy and cold.

[A]

Yeah. Did you have like a Star Trek themed raincoat or something? Do they give you Something they give.

[B]

You like a clear poncho and a clear umbrella. And the rain kind of came and went, but I just kind of settled into, okay, I'm going to be freezing cold and I'm going to be alive at the end of this situation. But it was not terribly comfortable.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But it was so worth it to see all of those again. A mix between desperation and joy and mainly joy. It was just like. It was the best feeling. I would do it every year. I would do it every single year. I'd wave. I want to do it any float. We should get a handsome flow.

[A]

Yeah, well, I know you've always. I know you love parades in general. You love, like, love a parade.

[C]

Yeah, don't rain on it, Mustache.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He tracked your parade.

[B]

You know, I love a parade. It's just like, don't rain on it. Well, they did today. They rained on my parade.

[A]

It's always reassuring when you get out and about or even at a comedy show or something. Like when people get together, it's like, especially it's January, it's dark. I think there's a lot of pressure to, like, hit the ground running in the year and like, oh, I gotta be thriving. But yeah, still winter, like, things are dark and rainy. And if you're feeling low, this is a great advertisement for getting out with your friends or going to. Yeah. Go see a movie where you're just with a bunch of people in one place.

[B]

I say go to a parade.

[A]

Go to a parade. If you're a.

[B]

Go to a parade and wave for hours at people. And I'm telling you, it feel. It does the heart some good. And yeah, I just. I now really love a parade. I love a parade, too.

[C]

I haven't been to a non gay parade in a while. Most of the parades I've attended have been for the gays.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

But this straight one sounds lovely.

[B]

I've also done Mardi Gras parades like my hometown will have. They have their Mardi Gras parade, and I used to get on the float as a little kid and throw stuff. But this was a whole different thing.

[C]

I've never been to a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans especially.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

But I'm intrigued because I've heard the. What the beads do when you throw those?

[B]

What do they do?

[C]

You get to see, you know, where we go.

[A]

We were so wholesome. We were having such a wholesome and old mustache.

[C]

You're making me say it. I'm trying not to.

[B]

All right. You get to see Mastectomy Scars.

[C]

You get to see tigo bitties. That's right. So sign me up for that page. For sure.

[B]

See, I've. I've done my share of New Orleans Mardi Gras, but it's. That's a little too much for me. I like a small town Mardi Gras.

[C]

Yeah, that one seems like it would be just like debaucherous. Crazy. Yeah, Too, like too many people. I don't know if I would actually love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, imagine if. Let's say imagine like a family of four starts, leaves their house one morning and they just decide we're gonna start a parade. They start walking down the middle of the street and they're. Maybe they have a boombox or something. How long do you think till people join, like a conga line? Would anyone join? Like, you just start marching down the street and you go, hey, come join in.

[C]

I need a sanction parade.

[B]

Oh, my God. Thomas put that on the list. We should start a handsome parade slash conga line.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

How long it would take.

[C]

I think in the right. I think in the right city during the right season. Yeah, it could. Especially if we went to like the.

[B]

Gay area or New Orleans. I mean, you could start. There's parades that, you know, just pop out of nowhere.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know, every.

[C]

I went to do a bunch of cities over the holidays, and everywhere I went, they're like, when. When's handsome coming through here?

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

I'm like, everybody calm down. Calm down, everybody.

[B]

Do you think we'll ever do like a full on tour? Like where we just hit a bunch of cities in one month or something?

[A]

You guys are good tours. Like, let me get back to you after this.

[C]

Yeah. This is my first story.

[B]

Oh, right, right.

[A]

Little May, how I hold up.

[C]

We'll definitely do one offs here and there until that time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

All right. And then. You never know, mate. Might fall in love with Tori.

[A]

I might fall in love with touring.

[B]

I might fall out of love with touring.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. It always pulls you back in, though.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

I think so. Because you'll say, like, I don't know if I'm doing this much longer. And then you're like, here's 10 more shows.

[A]

I would love. I would do a tour with you guys if we had like a. A bus that had a fireman's pole and two. Two floors Firemen. And two firemen.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Picking every night.

[C]

Picking take up in her nightgown.

[B]

Yeah. Whisking me away.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I did a. I did a new Year's Eve show. Those are always fun.

[A]

How was it?

[C]

Where was it in Seattle? It was incredible. The audience, like you were saying with, like, looking into people's eyes, they. Yeah, they very much, yeah, just like, wanted to feel, like, kindness and love and happiness going into this new year. And everybody was just feeling, happy New Year, Happy new. You know. Yeah, yeah. People want very much for it to feel lighter than it's been.

[A]

Did you get to do the countdown?

[C]

No, I did an earlier, like a 7:00pm show, so.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

They got to, you know, have a little festivity and either go to bed or continue on with their nights.

[A]

Ten, nine.

[C]

Hey. I know. I should have done a fake countdown.

[A]

100%. I'm in the desert, guys.

[C]

Oh, how is that?

[A]

It's really rainy and cold, but it's been. You should start a parade. Yeah, yeah. Should I just. Me. I start. I drove up here. That's the longest drive I've done. That was pretty wild. And then I got a bunch of friends and. And my friend Alana, actually, you know Alana Johnson.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She'd been nervous to bring her puppy because he's puppy energy. She was like, I don't know. It's a long drive. And then like, you know, what if he gets into stuff at the Airbnb? And then I kept saying, it's going to be fine. It's going to be great. He's, you know, he's a dog. He's. He knows what to stay away from. And so we're in a fenced in backyard here and we had not been here eight minutes when we hear, and we look over and he has a cactus sticking out of him. I mean, like a ball of spikes just sticking out of his sort of haunch. And he's just kind of trying to get at it. And then, and then I really saw how bad I am in a crisis because she was holding him still and I, I was like, I'm gonna prick my fingers. Like, it was so spiky. And when I felt how deep in him it was, I was like, okay, she can't know how deep anyway. And then she, she took control.

[B]

How deep?

[A]

Just the spikes were like this deep in him. But he was.

[C]

No, they were like, really got in there.

[B]

Was he bleeding?

[A]

No, he was actually fine after. As soon as we. We took it out, we made sure nothing was. Just licked it a bit and then he was totally fine. But. But she sprung into action all, like, all business.

[B]

She seems like an action springer.

[C]

A good, A good mommy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

The desert got. You have to. We took Biggie to the desert once, and he kept getting into this one bush, and he wouldn't leave it alone. And because a lizard was in there and it. It, like, swatted at his eyeball and.

[B]

One of the dead eyes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It had three.

[A]

Just trying to get some life into it.

[C]

He was. He kept, like, doing his eyelid, and I was like, something's up. And I look at him, and there's just three, like, lines across his eyeball.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, my God. So we took him. They do, like, an ointment, and then it's. He's. He was totally fine a couple days later. But, man, there's all kinds of stuff in desert bushes.

[A]

Yeah, the desert's scary. Yeah. When you guys go on a long drive, are you getting honked at or.

[C]

Oh, man, are you going too slow?

[B]

Do you guys have people swerving around you?

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Today, instead of our usual ads, we're bringing you a bonus listener question on the HER hotline, presented by her, the only app dedicated to Sapphic dating. Let's hear our question.

[D]

Hey, handsome Podcast. My name is Vivi. I am searching for some advice. I am a sophomore in college, and I've recently discovered that I am lesbian after many years of denial and confusion. Anyway, this wonderful person has come into my life, and we are wonderful friends. I so much value her. The thing is, is that I have developed more than friend feelings, as my therapist would, or just romantic feelings. And I don't know if I should tell her how I feel or just not tell her.

[B]

I'm really.

[D]

I really don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been there? And if so, I would deeply love to hear your advice. Thank you so much. All right, goodbye.

[A]

First of all, congrats.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's exciting. I have strong feelings about this.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I think. And this. Not to be a downer, but I actually think. Hold off for a minute, because I think you're. It's like an exciting moment in your life, and you're discovering these things and it's easy to like sort of the, the first close friendships you make with queer people to sort of project onto it and think, oh, that this is the, the person. But you're young and, and you're gonna meet so many people and if the friendship's important to you, you could put vibes out and see if they're reciprocated. And I, if, you know, I think it'll become clear if the feelings are reciprocated, but I think declaring it in a statement, it's more important right now that you have friends and community and they're out there dating. And it's easy to think, oh, it's, it's got to be this person. Especially when it's all new to you. Do you know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah, I agree. I think nothing wrong with putting a few like, subtle vibes out to see if, you know, maybe that clicks. But less of a, like formal. Would you like to go on a date with me? Yeah, maybe. Maybe hold off on that for a minute and just allow yourself to kind of settle into this new discovery of yourself and not, not act. I know you're kind of antsy to like, want to experience all the things, but I, I came out a little bit later and, you know, had that sort of antsiness. But you'll, you'll get to it. You'll have a lot of time, like May said, to experience these feelings and experiences and, and maybe you'll go on the, the dating app and you know, meet some other people in the process.

[A]

And maybe it will end up being this person. But I, I just think, yeah, let it.

[C]

Let.

[A]

Let time take its course. Is that, is that a phrase? Yeah. I hope that helps Vivi. And yeah, don't forget to check out the her app. It's the only dating app actually built for Sapphics by sapphics. Perfect for a restart this new year. Especially since HER isn't just swiping. It's a place to find real queer community with in person dating events and queer community events. Restart this new year with her. Download the app today.

[B]

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[A]

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[C]

I thought I didn't go slow.

[A]

Like, by the end of the trip, I was like, oh, my God, I nailed that. And Atlanta was like. But we had three separate people honking at us. I was like, yeah, but everybody gets honked at. And, but no, I think I was too slow.

[B]

What were you going?

[A]

You know, it was nighttime on the highway in the desert, and maybe the speed limit's 60 and maybe I'm going 52.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, 50.

[C]

Yeah, they definitely want you to. I mean, I'm glad. Listen, I'm glad you're being cautious because you're a new driver. Did you put the magnets on your car?

[A]

I'm too embarrassed. Fortune.

[C]

Come on, May.

[B]

That's what those are.

[C]

Fortunately, Christmas present was magnets. It says, new driver, be patient or something.

[A]

New driver, be patient. I thought, I don't want to. I'm going to be a magnet myself.

[C]

Guess who wouldn't have honked at you? Those people.

[A]

Do you think?

[C]

I think. Now, here, here's my, here's my words of advice. I would, I would try to just go the speed limit.

[A]

Yes. Okay.

[C]

And then also, here's the thing that drives me crazy on the freeways.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And I don't know if you were guil of this or not. I wasn't in the car. But a lot of people keep. Always forget that the left lane, that's the hammer lane.

[A]

Hammer.

[C]

That you're going. You go faster in the left lane. So if you're. If you're.

[B]

That's where you'll find Fortune. Burning rubber.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But it's also the pat. It's a pat. Like it's meant to be a passing lane as well. So if you're a slow. If you're a slow person, you got to go to the right yeah, but.

[A]

When you're in the right, then people are merging into that lane all the time.

[C]

That. See, that's what you were doing. You were in the left lane. That's why people were honking at you. The left lane and people do this all the time, is the fast lane. It's the passing lane. It ain't the cruising lane.

[A]

Okay, what about this?

[B]

Oh, you know, Ma, in the cruising lane.

[C]

So if you're cruising, bud, you go.

[B]

To the right, but cruising for some chicks. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

So they're definitely going to honk at you if you're going slow in the left lane, because that's the fast lane.

[A]

What about, you know how when you start, you're at a red light and you've got to turn right? It's just your personal choice if you want to turn right or not. Correct.

[C]

The standard thing that's agreed upon with everyone is that if it doesn't say no, turn on red and there's no cars coming, you do turn on red.

[A]

Okay, so if you're just going, no, I'm going to chill then.

[B]

But you definitely passed your test.

[A]

Yeah. Listen, there's a. The thing about learning to drive is it doesn't prepare you for all the judgment calls. Like the. Yeah, that is second judgment calls. But anyway, I'm really loving it. Like, then. So the other night, I by myself drove into Joshua Tree national park and I went up to, like, by myself, wound around and got out and sat and wrote in my journal. Yeah, it was really dreamy Little Cowboy. And I listened to one song. It was the first song I've listened to in the car. And it was take. You'll like it. It's. It's Ramsey Lewis doing Cry Baby Cry by the Beatles as, like, a jazz song. And it listened to it and imagine me in the desert just blasting it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, it was good. So I'm still trying to get a lot of firsts in with this car, you know?

[C]

Well, yeah, you're. You're still learning, but clearly, feel free to ask us any questions. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And by the way, I did meet two people in one of my meet and greet lines that had the. The phrase little cowboy tattooed on them.

[A]

What tattooed on them?

[C]

Two different. Two different gals.

[A]

But did they have it before?

[C]

I don't know if it was permanent, but it was on their body. Whoa.

[A]

And because part of their body. Yeah.

[B]

Little Miss Thing one on the road.

[C]

The arm. One was an arm, and the other one told me she had one, but she would have had to pull her pants down.

[B]

And I bet that old Jesse, she's like, can you just step over here?

[C]

And I was like, whoa. I gotta remember to tell you all that little cowboy.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

As a tat tattoos thing is. Is crazy. I, I, I. A woman once had, like, under her butt crease. Had got feel good in the font of the show.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But that was pretty interesting.

[B]

And see, I got wayward under mine.

[A]

Oh, you did? On your butt crease?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Great underwear. Your boobs used to be way heavy. Word.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Way wayward chest.

[A]

I know. Because I'm casual about tattoos. Like, it doesn't freak me out because I, I know I impulsively get tattoos.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Sometimes it is a little. You don't know how to. Someone once had a hashtag, May Martin's property.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

And the hashtag is what freaked me out the most.

[B]

Why not?

[C]

Not the rest of it.

[A]

No. Oh, yeah. Why did I say that? No. Yeah. I guess the hashtag thought the rest.

[C]

Of it was totally made sense.

[B]

It was reasonable. The hashtag was weird.

[A]

Now, that pushed it into weird territory.

[B]

Yeah, I, that's when I had a few questions. I was like, okay, you need to explain this hashtag.

[A]

I really didn't know how to explain the police in the moment, though, because that's permanent. You can't go, what have you done? Like, so you go, oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You have to be into it no matter what. Wow.

[B]

Okay, that's not into it.

[C]

You can't be like, I like everything but the hashtag.

[A]

Yeah. What's with that hashtag?

[B]

That hashtag is freaking me out.

[C]

But, but you're being my property. Great.

[B]

Yeah. Get in line. Now, can you break down what it is that made you nervous or uncomfortable with a hashtag?

[A]

Yeah. Well, I think, because think it through. So modern. It's so, like, it's not timeless. Like, a hashtag is, like, at some point.

[B]

Like, if there was like, a horse and carriage next to it, that would.

[A]

Be more like it. Maybe we're like a little. A monocle and a little.

[B]

Oh, they've had this a while.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's just something about the hashtag.

[B]

It was, like, too modern.

[A]

Yeah. We might not even have hashtags in five years.

[C]

Right? Right.

[B]

Don't say that, May.

[C]

Don't ever say that again.

[B]

Not cool.

[C]

Don't imagine a word, a world without hasht hashtags.

[B]

Thank you, Fortune.

[A]

Listen, God willing, we will have hashtags until the day we die.

[B]

We will have hashtags forever. Thomas, record this.

[C]

Good Lord. Oh, by the way, Our song was a hit.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So how are you? How are you qualifying hit?

[C]

I had people stop me on the street the day it came out, I swear.

[B]

What were you doing in the street?

[C]

Yeah, I was walking. When I say people, I mean one girl, but still, it was a day. It came. So we had a song that we, the handsome band, finally got together for and sang over the holidays. A bonus app for you guys. And. And she goes, I just heard the song, and my friends and I text each other and we're like, oh, my God, we love this song.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

It's a hit. It's a real hit.

[A]

It's got something for everyone.

[B]

As I'm accepting our Grammy Award, I'd like to thank Mr. Thomas.

[A]

We need, like, a new Grammy Award category. That's like. Like, podcast hosts making songs for advertisers. It's really niche. It's just us.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I don't know. I think our band has a real future. I do, too.

[A]

I think we got legs. Well, we got gams, that's for sure.

[B]

Yeah, we got wheels now.

[C]

We got gang.

[A]

We got wheels. We got games.

[B]

We got two tits out of six.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now also, when my sons heard the song, and Stephanie, our whole house couldn't stop singing it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It is such a catchy tune.

[A]

I bet if I had a family in my house, they'd be singing it, too.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Why did I say that?

[B]

Well, just putting feelers out there.

[A]

Yeah, I just put in feelers.

[B]

If anyone has a family that wants May to show up.

[C]

Yeah, I will show up.

[B]

You would love a family, for sure.

[C]

May said they would love a family.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. But you know what? I gotta make sure that it's not just that I want to, like, oh, we're getting deep anyway. I gotta make sure it's not just that I wanna.

[C]

Deep, babe.

[B]

Yeah. That's what we're here for.

[C]

Little cow Maze property.

[B]

Yeah. Hashtag girl.

[A]

Hashtag girl.

[C]

Dig deep.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I just gotta. It's. Make sure it's not just that. I want to, like, practice devotion in a way. You know what I mean? I gotta be specific and discerning.

[C]

You want to. You want to have devotion towards the right person? Is that what you're saying?

[B]

You don't want to just be devoted to devotion?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. I never even thought I wanted a family till I met somebody I wanted one with. And so I'm like, okay, I can't now just be scatter. Gunning saying, give me a family.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

I gotta stay discerning.

[C]

Don't be scatter.

[A]

Gunning.

[B]

No, I've never heard that.

[C]

And then you meet somebody you can sing helplessly devoted.

[B]

Devoted to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[C]

So, because did you find yourself recently just like, hoping to meet somebody with a, that you wanted to start a family with? Like, but not really being into the person.

[A]

I just love. I do love love. And I, I, I can get almost spiritual about it like that, especially with, you know. Yeah. Like, I think putting someone's prioritizing someone, putting their needs first, you know, but.

[C]

Do, Are you, are you into the, what they call love bombing?

[A]

No, I'm not a love bomber. Well, maybe people would say that I have been in the past. In the past, but not on purpose. I just get excited.

[C]

You just love the love. You're like, this feels good and here's a lot of love.

[B]

And so what exactly is love bombing? I feel like I started hearing this a couple years ago. And.

[A]

Well, so the definition of the diff. The difference between, like, affection and seduction is intent. So love bombing would be high warmth, low intent. So. Or like, you know what I mean, where you're, it's like constant texting, gifts, talking for hours, but you don't actually have an intention of, Of a relationship that would be.

[C]

You don't know yet if you, how you really feel about that person. So you could go lukewarm. You know, sometimes the people go lukewarm on you because then they realize they're not that into you, but. And then it leaves that other person going, what just happened? You were like, all about me and now you're, like, ghosting me.

[B]

Right.

[C]

So there's certain personalities that go in super hot in the beginning and, but they, they say things, and I don't know if they mean it or not, but they, they'll say things in the beginning of, like, you know, I'll see my forever with you. And, like, you're the love of my life.

[B]

I want to get you pregnant.

[C]

But then, you know, it's only been like a couple weeks.

[B]

Right.

[C]

That would be.

[A]

That's a red flag for sure. That's a red flag.

[B]

What if you're feeling that way and you're, like, all in?

[A]

I think then you should.

[B]

Honey, hold on, hold on.

[A]

I'm sorry. Go on.

[B]

You're all in on your new little honey bunny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're going nuts. You're just like, this is the one.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, and then several mornings in a row, terrible breath. Oh, and it's not that you stopped liking the person. You're just struggling.

[A]

It's one specific issue.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, if your intent was that you really were into that person, it wouldn't be love bombing. But now maybe you just don't feel as strongly about them because that breath be stanking.

[B]

And maybe if you really love them, you put a. A clothespin on your nose.

[A]

Yeah. You put a clothes. Yeah. If you really love me, you tape up your own goddamn nostrils. Is there no romance? Romance Dead.

[C]

Yeah, well, I think we had one time someone asked about that on a mini episode.

[B]

When you're showing off that you have a memory.

[C]

Huh? Like, what do you do when that happens? You tell them.

[B]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[C]

Remember? And.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And so you're a teller of things. You're like, hey, you got a problem? Put.

[B]

Hey, stink breath.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What I like doing is making it a joke. You know, Like, Stephanie and I say, the crap fairy swung by last night.

[A]

Crap fairy?

[B]

Yeah, like, it sounds like you ate poop. Exactly. Like, that's how you tell someone.

[C]

You're like.

[B]

Because it made me laugh to think of. It makes me laugh to think of a little fairy dress. Like a little, you know, Disney fairy. And then, like, you're sleeping with your mouth open. And she comes over and hikes her prom dress up. Oh, it's her.

[A]

And she.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, it's the crap fairy came by.

[A]

And, oh, my God, I love her.

[B]

Yeah. So.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. So you make it a joke. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

If somebody told me the crap fairy swung by, which I've been told.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, guess what?

[C]

That phrase. Yeah.

[B]

Hey, guess what? Crab fairy swung by last night while you're sleeping. And it's just funny, you know, if you can keep things light, then.

[C]

Right.

[B]

It's on the delivery. You know that as a comedian.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

You don't have, like, really horrible intentions towards this person. You're just like, hey, how funny. It's like Tinkerbell who poops in your mouth.

[A]

Good morning. Looks like Tinkerbell shot in your mo. It's all about the delivery. Yeah.

[C]

And they're like, hilarious.

[B]

No, you have to say, like, it's exciting. Like, oh, my God, you're not going to believe his song by last night.

[A]

That's good.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

The crap fairy, she hiked up her skirt.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

The market for some indoor plants that always look their best. I've also been shopping on Wayfair for stuff to get my new house looking its best. I picked up some blankets for my bed as well as the couch and found some storage stuff that fits perfectly in my new closets. Wayfair's got such a huge selection that you can always find the perfect item to suit your particular needs. Next up, I'm planning on tackling the kitchen and getting everything I need to make meals and entertain at home. From cookware to kitchen utensils, appliances and more.

[B]

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[A]

Keep asking me about my 2026 resolutions.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Listen, I've got the usual goals. Go on a road trip, learn to play the synthesizer, visit the North Pole, get my metal detector working. But this year there's a new one at the top of my list and that's Get Comfy. And that's where Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all my everyday go tos.

[B]

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[A]

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[C]

I have never heard this. That is, well, hilarious.

[B]

I made it up.

[C]

Well, there you go.

[B]

And that's not to say I'm running around with any. A lot of stinky people, but I'm just saying something I throw out there.

[A]

You don't run with a stinky crew.

[B]

I know I don't. No. I like a squeaky clean crew.

[A]

Squeaky clean crew.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Except if. Except if you're. Some of your friends have good intentions, they're wearing that natural deodorant, which I do.

[A]

Oh, you do? Of course, because it's.

[C]

Some people that wear that stuff smell so bad.

[B]

Well.

[C]

You'Ve never smelled when I've been with you.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

You always smell great.

[C]

But sometimes. Sometimes people that maybe they're using a bad kind because. Bull. Stinky Wolf. Stinky. Stinky.

[B]

Yeah. I used to have a joke about natural deodorant.

[C]

Yeah, Tell it to us.

[B]

Well, I would say this is my early days of comedy, but I'm not saying I wouldn't say it now. So I use natural deodorant, so naturally I stink. Thank you. I like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Good one, Tig.

[A]

Should we get to our question?

[B]

Thanks, kitten. Yeah, let's do it.

[C]

Yes, sugar babes.

[A]

Today's question asker is a former professional soccer player who played for the World cup winning American team in 2015 and 2019, and she hosts the podcast Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris. Ashlyn Harris is asking today's question.

[C]

Oh, right.

[E]

Hi, friends. It's Ashlyn Harris here, and I have a question for you three. If each of you were to make your very own handsome starter pack, what ridiculous items would you insist have to be included?

[C]

A handsome starter pack?

[B]

Yeah, it's a good question.

[C]

Is this a starter pack to. To being handsome?

[B]

It's probably whatever you interpret it. Yeah, I don't think Ashlyn's gonna follow up and get mad at us if we. Hey, three.

[A]

That wasn't exactly what I meant.

[C]

Not what I.

[B]

Can I talk to your producer?

[A]

Okay. A starter kit for someone who wants to embody handsomeness.

[B]

Yeah, whatever that means to you.

[A]

I like there's something satisfying about starter kit. Yeah, I don't think I've ever had a starter kit for anything, but I'll get you one.

[C]

A boxes of goodies. Yeah, I do like a. I like it when I get a box and there's a bunch of things in it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Who doesn't?

[B]

But like, treats.

[A]

I don't want, like, you know, the objects I want. I want gadgets and objects.

[C]

You want gadgets. I like treats.

[B]

Yeah. Fortune doesn't want to open a box and get, like, eye mask and.

[C]

Oh, I like that.

[A]

Oh, you do like that.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right, I'll get you an eye mask.

[C]

All right, May, what's in your handsome starter pack?

[A]

In my handsome starter pack is. You know those toothpicks that are flavored like cinnamon?

[B]

Yes, I do. The green or the tea tree?

[A]

Yeah. I haven't had one of those in ages, but that feels pretty handsome. Just one out of the corner of your mouth.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Probably a whole podcasting system.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A microphone.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Maybe like a good. A. I was gonna say cd. Like, for your car to play.

[B]

Gotta get a cd.

[A]

Get a CD for your car. Yeah.

[B]

May's no fool. Get a mix. Drives a car now they knows what's up with cars.

[C]

They had a CD player put in there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were gonna.

[C]

I think you were trying to say Spotify playlist, but no, a CD is way better.

[A]

I want to burn cd. Like, to. To when you take a date out in your car. Maybe. Yeah. So maybe a mix CD and maybe some. Some little, like, boy briefs.

[B]

Oh, it's got to.

[C]

Okay, Come on. Boy briefs.

[A]

Stick a charcoal in a sketchbook. You know, in case you see anything that inspires your handsome hands. I'm running out. What about. Have I missed anything? I feel like I covered.

[B]

I can tell you right away.

[A]

Oh, what I miss just a whole.

[B]

Suitcase full of mustaches.

[A]

Yeah. That's your handsome.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be a whole suitcase full. Or a briefcase. A briefcase.

[A]

That's more reasonable.

[C]

That's handsome. Luckily, May gave you some mustaches for the holidays.

[B]

Lucky for me.

[C]

Luckily, that was your Secret Santa gift.

[B]

And you know what else was lucky for me? When I Was when I was 9. Oh, 8 or 9. My stepfather, who, my son's called Cowboy Rick, he was getting rid of his briefcase and I was, I was watching him clean it out to put his papers in his new briefcase. And I'm standing there, little eight, nine year old girl, little girl, just watching this happen. And I said, rick, what are you going to do with your briefcase? And he said, well, I'm just going to throw it out. I said, oh, could, could I use it to carry my books to school?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes. So I carried all of my schoolwork in a briefcase to and from school. I mean, was that not my coming out party or what? There were also a few Star wars action figures in there too.

[C]

There you go. Pretty good.

[A]

There's something that I feel like there's like Max and Finn are a chip off the block. Like there's something old, like old timey about them. And the, the briefcase is very.

[B]

Max walks around, Max is very old timey. He walks around our house playing with his yo yo. You know, he's just, he, he wants a paper route.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and he also. We have a. Our neighborhood has a little newspaper that comes out every week. I really love to sit down and read the paper.

[A]

I just liked when the, when papers would get thrown on the porch. Like the thunk noise and then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Getting the rubber band off it. That was good.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, I can't just have mustache, right? Probably have a briefcase.

[A]

Yeah, briefcase.

[B]

Got a briefcase.

[C]

Professional, handsome.

[B]

Gotta have some natural deodorant.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I do. So I added it.

[C]

Good for you. I'm probably, I'm probably gonna use the aluminum.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna secretly replace it with Gillette.

[B]

You're probably gonna want to have a kitty city.

[A]

Oh, in the briefcase.

[B]

Well, no, this is in my starter kit, man.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Can you hear the question?

[A]

I'm picturing it all coming in the briefcase. But the briefcase is just one part of it.

[C]

It's just one part of the starter kit.

[B]

Yeah, it's three cats and then four dogs. Wow. Wow. In the starter kit. And also the goat.

[A]

Where are the four dogs coming from? Where are you getting those?

[B]

Oh, you know, round them up for these kids. If somebody turns their head, I'm gonna grab their little dog.

[C]

Rounding up some dogs.

[B]

Also, you need to have an acoustic guitar. I know you got your synthesizer, but you need your acoustic. A guitar. What would you play? Well, you know what I'd play? I'd play a little closer to fine. I'd encourage people to come to my window?

[C]

Yeah, you know, window, vagina.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Is that. Is it a euphemism or an actual window?

[B]

May, do you want to. May, do you want to get on another zoom?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll send you a new link.

[C]

Okay. So quiet.

[B]

Well, that's a fair question. This is a great Christian show. And you know that I'll be home soon. It makes no sense what you just said.

[C]

No, like, I'll be home soon. Like, remember me?

[A]

Like, remember. Wait, what?

[C]

Because you've been there. Because you've been there so much. It's like home.

[B]

Okay, so mustaches, a briefcase.

[C]

Oh, you know what I would sing with your acoustic guitar.

[A]

Thomas, do you want to get on another link?

[C]

If you only knew how you would be.

[B]

Wait, where's the part where he, like, can't hold back his heavy metal side more than words?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay. Cuz he's like ev. Oh, he says evil ever let me go. But he says it like something like that. Thomas, can you pull it up? I'm sorry, I just. If you can find that part that ever let me go extreme. Yeah.

[A]

You know what?

[C]

There's luscious locks.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

If I. If I had the acoustic guitar, I would say, I would sing Sorry is all that you can say. You know that song?

[B]

Yes. Forgive me.

[A]

Forgive me. Oh, what a tune. Yeah.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, I like that.

[A]

I know it didn't spark the same sing along, but I just wanted.

[C]

That's handsome. Well, I don't know what. Otherwise I would have sung it with you, my friend.

[B]

Well, you can still chime in. I would say we do it again.

[C]

So, like, share a little bit.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know it either.

[C]

You're not helping.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know it enough.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Also, we probably need a gavel.

[C]

Oh, yes, that's important.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And a pineapple.

[B]

You need a gavel. A pineapple.

[C]

Gotta stay a pineapple apart.

[B]

Yeah. And if you don't know what we're talking about, go back to episode one and catch up to now.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. Sorry to yell at everyone.

[C]

We haven't talked about being a pineapple apart in so long.

[B]

No, because we haven't.

[C]

That was a classic.

[A]

Do you remember the origins of it?

[C]

It's your. Your dance.

[A]

Yes, my middle school dance.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And they told you guys that y' all had to stay a pineapple apart. And we went, what?

[A]

And Miss had a pineapple and she carried it around and she would put it between us. I think she's thriving. As far as I know she was in a secret relationship with Miss. I should be saying this.

[B]

Love.

[C]

A secret lesbian relationship back in the day.

[B]

Wait, were they lesbian behind men's backs or just behind the schools?

[C]

Roommates.

[A]

I think this.

[B]

Travel companions.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was like an Anglican school. And they were. Yeah, they just. They were. Everybody knew, but they just weren't open about it. Yeah. But I think. I think that's changed. I think. Yeah.

[C]

I love it when two ladies that are single just run off together into the woods.

[B]

I had friends in junior high school who lived on the same cul de sac.

[C]

No.

[B]

And their moms.

[A]

No.

[B]

We're having an affair.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

This is the biggest small town.

[B]

I don't want people cheating.

[C]

I'm talking about single people.

[B]

I'm not. Listen, I'm not here promoting cheating. Right. I'm just telling you. I'm telling you what happened.

[C]

That is scandalous. Back.

[B]

Okay, but listen to me. This was the 80s, okay? No. And so these moms got together. In fact, I think I tell it as a story on one Mississippi when I act as a dj. So their moms get together, leave their husbands. Whoa. And one friend moves in. She's. They're best friends. The daughters are best friends. The daughters who are my age. Wow. So their parents break up, and then the moms move into one house, and so do the daughters. And they don't know their moms are gay. They're just like, wow, we get to have a sleepover every night. This is awesome.

[C]

They just told the daughters, y' all stay in this house and we'll go to the.

[B]

No, no, no. The daughters moved in with the two moms. Yeah.

[C]

And they still didn't know.

[B]

No. And they stayed on the same cul de sac.

[A]

Oh, my God. And then did the. What happened with the.

[B]

And they're still together.

[A]

Oh, that's nice.

[B]

They are still together. And. And I remember as the years went by, every time I rang my friend's doorbell and her mom came to the door, she got butcher and butcher every year.

[A]

I'm picturing.

[B]

Hang on, I gotta check my.

[C]

My pager.

[A]

The. The hair is getting shorter.

[B]

Truly.

[C]

Truly. Wow.

[B]

But they are still together to this day. Unless something happened in the past couple of years, but I don't think. I don't think so.

[A]

And they still live in that town.

[B]

I don't know where they live, but I think, you know, everyone's come around, and I think the dads kind of like they get together for whatever, you know, It's. It's crazy. It's it was Texas in the 80s.

[A]

Oh, my God. That would have been the biggest scandal at the time.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Did the kids at school find out, or did everyone just think they're roommates?

[B]

I think everyone just thought they were roommates. I mean, I didn't quite. I didn't even know I was gay. And I was just like, why is my friend. My friend's mom just seems different. I just couldn't put my finger on what was happening.

[A]

She seems handsome all of a sudden.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I hung out with my friend, one of my friends, years later, like in our 20s, and she just told. She was like, oh, my gosh. And then it caused weird friction, her and her friend. Because there, you know, there were secrets. Nobody understood what was going on. But everyone was doing their best. I'm sure everyone's still doing their best.

[C]

And.

[B]

Yeah, but it was really. It was very bold.

[A]

Very bold.

[B]

Very bold. And not common in the area. Thomas, did you find the Extreme song back to that? Found it where? Okay, this is where we're trying to.

[A]

Find the moment where his voice becomes.

[C]

It goes from like, oh, you. How I feel.

[B]

No. Where he says, never let me go. Oh, yeah, let me go. I just did that. But it goes from like a. Like an acoustic sing along to, I can't hide that I'm metal.

[A]

Did it happen already?

[B]

No. You'll know.

[A]

Okay, wait.

[B]

Okay, here comes. No, that's not it. No, but I'm enjoying this.

[C]

It was delightful.

[B]

And, you know, he became, wait, the final lead singer of Van Halen.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Oh, really? I didn't know that.

[B]

Yeah, that's cool. It went David Lee Roth, so then it went Sammy Hagar. Huh.

[A]

We didn't hear the. We didn't find the part.

[B]

No. It's never Let me go. We cannot move on.

[C]

Why don't I tell you mine?

[B]

Yeah, that's a great idea.

[C]

I haven't thought about it at all, though. Oh, should we go back to Thomas? No. Well, I feel like. Like I do like our original handsome us in suits.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I think we gotta have a suit in there. You're sure?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you guys smell good. I want to smell good. So not the natural deodorant.

[B]

People can hear you even when you whisper like that. Fortune.

[C]

I'm gonna put in my cologne, Mont Blanc. Yeah, that's the cologne. What is that?

[B]

It's like men's cologne.

[C]

Sure do get on up here.

[B]

Look, girl. Oh, my God. I wear flowery.

[C]

No.

[B]

I don't know. I don't wear anything.

[A]

I wear Potpourri on you.

[B]

I don't really like scents.

[C]

I. I like to smell good. And so that's definitely one of my handsome pack. Okay, Biggie, since you're bringing a bunch of random dogs, I might as well bring Biggie.

[B]

They're not random. I love each and every one of them.

[C]

It feels like you just grabbed a.

[B]

Bunch of dogs when people weren't looking.

[C]

But Biggie's gonna be there, and he going to have on a little suit, too. And his suit's going to match my suit. We're going to be so handsome and fortunate.

[B]

Just because I practiced puppy snatch.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When no one's looking doesn't mean I'm not attached to these dogs.

[C]

I know. I know how you are with animals. I. I get it. I'd also have a nice pair of sunglasses, ones that I hopefully didn't break with my belly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And them sitting on my lap. So some sunglasses and probably some curl cream for me.

[B]

Keep those curls. Of course.

[C]

Keep them curls tight.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And a vibrator.

[A]

Fortune. Oh, yeah. Vibrator is a good idea. I like that. It's kind of transgressive. It's like hand. The way to be handsome is a dainty little vibrator.

[C]

Just a little tiny one. Only keychain.

[A]

What about a strap on? I. I'd have a. I got. I'm putting a big. I'm putting a big old strap on it. I'm sorry, but I got to take.

[C]

If you don't memory right now.

[A]

It's the most handsome thing I do.

[C]

If you don't memory right this instance.

[A]

Oh, thank God.

[C]

Where to?

[A]

God. Thomas has got this queue lined up that I don't even really understand what.

[B]

We'Re looking for, but does Thomas have rock and roll?

[C]

I think I found it. You have a Mae Marie on that.

[B]

You have to, like, tee it up with, like, some really nice.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Lead in. And then.

[C]

Oops.

[B]

I'm actually. Heavy metal is the moment.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Look how handsome he is.

[B]

Here it comes.

[A]

Stop singing.

[C]

God. I can't help but man here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay, okay.

[B]

He's like. Yeah.

[C]

I think it was confusing because you said, never let me go. And it was don't ever let me go.

[B]

And that Fortune. Step away from the mic.

[A]

Take five.

[B]

Yeah, take five. Go on a little walk.

[C]

We didn't know what you were referring to, too.

[B]

Okay, well, this is. This is a guy. And then he goes back to Marvin. You know, he. He's got his little acoustic song. But you can't hide rock and roll.

[C]

You can't, baby. You can't hide it.

[B]

That's what this mustache is.

[C]

Is there anything else that we've left out of our handsome starter packs?

[A]

Well, I kind of. I want to hear what Ashlyn has to say because Ashlyn very handsome.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Ashlyn's good looking. Very good. Me kind of look exactly similar.

[B]

Yeah, we all like. If you merged our faces has curly.

[C]

Hair as well, so. Which is very similar.

[A]

You think three of us blended equals.

[B]

If you just kind of like squint, put all of our faces together, we all have chiseled, we'd all be as attractive.

[A]

I want to see it.

[C]

All right, let's hear it.

[E]

So I would say a gallon sized water bottle. Because at this point, it really is my personality, and I'm either highly over prepared or deeply under prepared. And there's really no in between.

[C]

Oh, Staying hydrated, my starter pack would.

[E]

Have to include chapstick.

[B]

Yes. Without a. Yeah.

[E]

I think my last item for my handsome pack would be a sexy tool belt. Because I don't really know how to use a drill, but I like to look capable.

[A]

Yeah, sexy.

[B]

Yeah. Nobody's gonna look at Ashlyn and think, this chick can't handle a drill.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Oh, I. But yeah, I like that. I like the tool belt. What was the first one? Oh, yeah.

[B]

Water staying hydrated tool belt isn't sexy. Ashlyn, that's my question for you.

[C]

That's a question, too.

[B]

Thank you, Fortune.

[C]

You guys know what else should be in the handsome starter kit that I forgot about?

[A]

Mad Libs Al my Deua, the puffer.

[B]

Hey, mama's the puff got.

[C]

You can't have. You can't have any bags on your eyes when you're trying to be handsome. No, May, Ashlin has chapstick, but you have your lip taint.

[A]

I have my lip taint.

[B]

You also got your clear stuff that goes on your face.

[A]

Shoes, eyelashes, clear mascara, my eyebrow tint and.

[B]

Yeah, tints and taints.

[C]

Yeah, tits and taints.

[B]

No, not tits and taints. Tints.

[C]

I thought you were saying tits and taints.

[B]

Well, there's more merch for us.

[C]

And May. Big old. You know what is in there too, guys. Do we? That's in the tool belt that May's wearing.

[A]

Yeah, that's in my tool belt.

[C]

You know what do we get?

[B]

Underwear and Ponti's made where in the front by the crotch it says Grandma's problem area.

[A]

And in the back it says taints.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Lip tight or just taint anyone? How about at the top? Of the Ponties, where the elastic is, it says grandma's problem area. And then it has an arrow pointing down.

[A]

That's strong.

[C]

I like that you work on that design. How about that little tidge?

[A]

It's done. The design's done.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

When you thought it all out, you're printed.

[A]

All we need is a seamstress.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Someone to make the Pontius.

[A]

All of our merch is made by a seamstress, right?

[B]

Yes. I think it's mainly the mice on Cinderella.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, we got another order for the handsome guy. And then we write taint with a question mark at the bottom. Okay. Also, I just want to make sure everyone is aware that there's some changes. I know we have to wrap up here, but I know I've been calling my house Kitty City.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And Kitty City is also the gaggle of three.

[C]

Uhhuh.

[B]

But I also want you to know there's a new name that I've started.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it has really taken off. Cuz these three cats follow each other everywhere and they sleep and lounge on the bed all day and night. The three of them all together. Yeah. And I call them hold your Pontis Exhausted sausages.

[A]

Oh, that's good with the accent too.

[B]

Yeah. I'll just take pictures and send them down to Stephanie. I'm like, look at these exhausted sausages. Anyway, so I just want to let you know there might be some mention of exhaustive sausages that's gonna. Right.

[A]

I feel like that'll catch on with listeners. Like the. Like, I sing Morning Fruit most days and people I see post about it. I feel like people are going to start thinking that when they look at their cats.

[B]

That's exactly. It can just be one.

[C]

It can.

[B]

And it can also be a dog. It can be a cow. They're just.

[A]

Could be a person.

[B]

That's right. And it could be a sausage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I feel like it's the closest to Eminem I'll ever be. Because, you know, Eminem can make anything rhyme.

[A]

Yeah, he can.

[B]

And. And I did. Exhausted sausage.

[A]

Yeah. That is actually a very Eminem style rhyme.

[B]

Very Eminem. Yeah. And I know that because my sons listen to Eminem.

[A]

Yeah. There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom's spaghetti.

[C]

I'm exhausted with chicken parm in my sausage. Sausages.

[B]

That was a fun up.

[A]

Yeah, that was a fun one.

[C]

It was. Y' all.

[A]

Pledge.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you guys have coming up?

[C]

Well, I had to unfortunately reschedule a few shows because I'm filming this movie. So we're, we're sorting that all out. But I've got Ben Salem, Pennsylvania, which is my Philly stop, February 13th, doing the Beacon Theater on Valentine's in New York City. So join me for of that love in the air kind of night. And then Burlington, Vermont, San Diego, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Little Rock, Arkansas. Those are coming up. You can go to fortune feemster.com I got.

[A]

I got this tour coming up. If you go to maymartin.net all the shows are listed there. I also, on the podcast, I said very confidently, guys, I really need to sell some tickets in Austin. Don't. I don't have a show in Austin.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That must be why the tickets weren't moving.

[A]

Yeah, the show. I got a message from my, my tour promoter going, hey, May, Houston is the kind of slow show, not Austin. You're not actually playing Austin. So, yeah, there you go.

[C]

Houston.

[A]

Come out in Houston. But maymartin.net I'm gonna be on the road so soon. How about you, Tig? Also, we're all on the road.

[B]

Well, I've got Fayetteville, Arkansas, February 19th. I got Oklahoma City, February 20th. I got Midland, Texas, February 21st. And the list goes on and on. Please visit tignotaro.com and if you have not watched the Andrea Gibson documentary called Come See Me in the Good Light, you better get on it. It's good. I'm very proud of it. I produced it. It's on Apple tv.

[A]

Also, we've been talking about merch, but we have amazing new merch. Really niche. Like, if you wear this stuff out in the world, I don't know what. What people are gonna think. You're gonna attract other handsome listeners, though. We have Frau Troffea shirts, which I'm thrilled about. This dance academy. We have peanut butter bitch T shirts.

[C]

Yeah, peanut butter. I can't wait for that.

[B]

Those are gonna sell like crazy.

[A]

And we have Fortune Marie, exclamation mark T shirts.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I mean, please get these. Send us pictures of you wearing them. I think it's so funny. And you can go to pod.com for all that stuff.

[C]

And by the way, we have these because everybody on our Instagram page kept telling us they wanted these and we listed. So we listened and are delivering based on Yalls feedback.

[B]

Yeah. And send our new song around and let's make that a Christmas classic.

[A]

Get it on the charts just like.

[C]

Right, Carrie?

[B]

Yes. And until next time, keep it handsome.

[A]

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willette. Email [e-mail] and please follow us on social media at Handsomepod.

[C]

What a podcast.

[A]

That was A headgum podcast.

[B]

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you're picnicking in a peaceful area of the park. Look out. I was halfway through my cucumber sandwich before I realized I was sitting in the middle of a disc golf course.

[A]

Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois New Year same extra value meals at McDonald's now get a savory.

[C]

Sausage McMuffin with egg plus hash browns and a small coffee for just $5 for a limited time only.

[A]

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