Bowen Yang asks about diner orders

Summary

Podcast Title: Handsome
Host(s): Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Episode: Bowen Yang Asks About Diner Orders
Release Date: July 22, 2025

---

Introduction

In this engaging episode of Handsome, hosted by Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin, Bowen Yang poses an intriguing question: "What is your diner order, and what does that say about you?" The trio delves into their personal preferences, sharing amusing anecdotes and heartfelt reflections that reveal much about their personalities through their favorite diner meals.

---

Setting the Stage

The episode begins with light-hearted banter as the hosts discuss everyday topics, setting a relaxed and humorous tone for the conversation.

Notable Quote:
Tig Notaro [01:11]:
"Am I driving at home a little too hard? Am I trying desperately to convince people that we're handsome?"

---

Vegan Cheese Debate

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around cheese preferences, particularly vegan cheese. The hosts passionately debate the merits and drawbacks of cheese, using it as a springboard to discuss broader themes of personal taste and dietary choices.

Notable Quote:
Mae Martin [04:32]:
"I'll cancel the fondue I was going to send to your house. I'm a big, big cheese guy."

Fortune Feimster [04:38]:
"I love cheese. Y'all know how I feel about a charcuterie board. It's just the melted cheese right now. I'm taking a break from."

---

Bench Moments and Personal Reflections

Fortune introduces the concept of "bench moments" — instances where one sits on a bench and reflects on life. This segment highlights the hosts' introspective sides, juxtaposed with their comedic interactions.

Notable Quote:
Fortune Feimster [05:17]:
"I had both, where I was just eating a burrito. And then other times where I was being reflective and thinking about life and all the things and going down, you know, different paths."

---

Meet and Greets Discussion

The conversation shifts to the topic of meet and greets, especially in the context of Tig's potential participation. The hosts humorously speculate on how Tig might handle such interactions, blending humor with genuine curiosity about fan engagement.

Notable Quote:
Mae Martin [31:33]:
"I'll come on tour with you, and then they can meet me after. I'll do the meet and greets. They can grab my booty."

---

Bowen Yang’s Question: Diner Orders

Bowen Yang’s question serves as the focal point of the episode. The hosts take turns revealing their classic diner orders and interpreting what these choices say about their personalities.

Mae Martin’s Diner Order:
Mae Martin [62:12]:
"For me, it's scrambled eggs plus bacon, hash browns or home fries, what have you. Potato side, some rye toast. I think what that says about me is that I'm a little salty, but I've got different textures that contain multitudes. There's something for everyone."

Fortune Feimster’s Diner Order:
Fortune Feimster [51:50]:
"I want a good, like either a cheeseburger or a club sandwich. Oh, those. Something about that sourdough bread toasted at these diners. So good."
Further elaboration:
[52:17]:
"I'm not really a breakfast for dinner kind of gal. If I'm eating breakfast, I prefer it in the breakfast hours. And I'm usually doing a hash brown, extra crispy. One scrambled egg. I don't like it when they give me like three because I know I'm not gonna eat it."

Tig Notaro’s Diner Order:
Tig Notaro [62:57]:
"What do you mean, real bananas? There's not real bananas in bananas. There's a vegan butter on toast with jam. I really..."
Further elaboration:
[63:17]:
"Hold on one second. I just realized you do this sometimes when you talk. I think when you talk about something uncomfortable, you put your finger on your nose."
[62:57]:
"What, I have a pretty classic diner order the other day, which I don't typically order this, but it was so good. I had a full-on Beyond Meat burger with vegan cheese and onion rings."

---

Interpretations of Diner Orders

The hosts humorously analyze their orders to draw conclusions about their personalities. Mae relates her choice to being "a little salty" yet "cozy," Fortune's preference hints at a balance between indulgence and mindfulness, and Tig's choice showcases her practical yet indulgent side.

Notable Quote:
Mae Martin [62:12]:
"I think what that says about me is that I'm a little salty, but I've got different textures that contain multitudes."

---

Additional Banter and Stories

Throughout the episode, the hosts intersperse their main discussion with various side conversations, including anecdotes about childhood, driving experiences, and humorous takes on reality TV shows like "Queer Ultimatum."

Notable Quote:
Fortune Feimster [37:45]:
"I was pulled over by the Portugal police... they were just pulling people over left and right for speeding."

---

Conclusion and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, the hosts share information about their upcoming performances and projects, inviting listeners to join them at events and stay connected through social media.

Notable Quote:
Tig Notaro [65:03]:
"I'm also working out new material at Largo Dynasty, Typewriter and Comedy bar bouncing between LA and Toronto. So come check me out at tignotaro.com for all the information."

---

Final Thoughts

This episode of Handsome offers a delightful blend of humor, personal insights, and thoughtful reflections, all anchored by Bowen Yang’s intriguing question about diner orders. Through their shared stories and laughter, Tig, Fortune, and Mae provide listeners with a deeper understanding of their personalities, making for an entertaining and relatable conversation.

---

Note: Throughout the episode, the hosts occasionally reference and discuss various television shows and personal experiences, adding layers of depth and humor to their interactions. Their chemistry and candidness make the episode both informative and highly entertaining for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Fortune Feimster]

This is a headgun podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.

[Mae Martin]

Like, you know, to check that you've got a game plan to stay cool if the power goes out on a hot day. If the WI fi is out, you might as well go to the beach.

[Fortune Feimster]

Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. All Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[Mae Martin]

Friends on the Handsome Pod Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cheers.

[Tig Notaro]

Hello and welcome to the Handsome Podcast, the most handsome podcast this side of the Mississippi. I am one of your hosts, Tig Notaro.

[Mae Martin]

And I am one of your other ones, Mae Martin.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I'm another one, Fortune Feemster.

[Tig Notaro]

And it is three of the most handsome hosts of the Handsome Podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

Woo hoo. Yeah, baby.

[Tig Notaro]

Am I driving at home a little too hard? Am I trying desperately to convince people that we're handsome?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't think we need to convince anyone.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Mae Martin]

It's all about how handsome you feel in your heart.

[Tig Notaro]

I feel handsome, but my eyesight is terrible and I'm not sure if how I feel inside is matching on the outside because I can't see myself on the. I think I need to get a different prescription for my eyeballs.

[Mae Martin]

Is it getting worse, you think?

[Tig Notaro]

I know for a fact. I know for a fact. I was walking to meet Max and Finn and Stephanie in a hot tub and I was like, oh, I need to get my glasses right, or else.

[Mae Martin]

You'Re gonna have to crawl along and feel the edge.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, it just was a blur, them sitting in the hot tub. It was a blur, so.

[Mae Martin]

Oh my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Anyway, yeah, I gotta get that sorted before I get back to Star Trek because when I left Star Trek, I could see my surroundings and I can't anymore.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, no.

[Mae Martin]

But that might. It might give you a kind of mysterious air because you'll be slightly squinting in a kind of handsome way. Kind of looking a little dazed.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, well, you haven't seen me on Star Trek, I guess, because I am mysterious and handsome already.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, I love that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, Fortune loves it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love it.

[Tig Notaro]

Absolutely loves it.

[Mae Martin]

How are you, Fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm doing good. I'm having a nice day. I got myself a coffee this morning and a breakfast burrito. Oh, yeah?

[Tig Notaro]

What's in your burrito?

[Fortune Feimster]

It was egg and cheese and some hash browns and a little guac and a little sour Cream. Although I think I'm over melted cheese right now. I wanted to not have the cheese on there.

[Mae Martin]

Over melted cheese.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

I don't.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's because I had. I had some pizza a couple weeks ago, and it was. My friends ordered double cheese, and it was too much.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Now I'm having a break from cheese moment.

[Tig Notaro]

I bet there are people outraged, listening right now, going, there is no such thing as too much cheese.

[Fortune Feimster]

You think that? But everyone in the group agreed it was too much.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because I led the charge at first. Like, I'm like, this is a lot of cheese. I don't know about this. And then. And they were like, you're crazy. And then they agreed. They're like, oh, it's too much cheese.

[Tig Notaro]

In general, I'm not a big, even vegan cheese person every now and then on a burger, but there are some really fancy vegan cheeses that if they're not melted, you know, in that kind of situation and you're just using as a dip with a cracker or something. They're so good. They're so good.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And I know there's also people yelling right now. There's no such thing as good vegan cheese. And you are wrong.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're all wrong. I. Listen, I love cheese. Y' all know how I feel about a charcuterie board. It's just the melted cheese right now. I'm taking a break from.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, okay.

[Mae Martin]

I'll cancel the fondue I was going to send to your house. I'm a big, big cheese guy.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I mean, normally I'm fine with it, but I just. Yeah. I don't know. I found myself a bench, which y' all know I love. And I took my coffee and my burrito to the park bench and sat there and ate and enjoyed life, and it was lovely.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you have some special thoughts and feelings or just like, this is good. Hold the cheese?

[Fortune Feimster]

I had both, where I was just eating a burrito. And then other times where I was being reflective and thinking about life and all the things and going down, you know, different paths. In my head, it was a combo.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. It'd probably be a fun thing to have people, you know, send in their little bench moments.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, that's true. That's true.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Handsome bench moments. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Send us your handsome bench moments. If you're having fun, pleasant thoughts or deep, intense thoughts or even ginger thoughts, you know, any. Anything will take any thoughts. But I have to say, when I had my little bench moment, it was such a fun, like, oh, my God. There's a bench. And I certainly have sat on my share of benches, but it was a whole new experience since your bench moments.

[Mae Martin]

I have to admit, I think I missed the whole bench conversation. And I'm like, I'm on board. I think benches are. I think. I think benches are great, but I'm not. I don't. I think I forget. Like, did we talk about benches a lot?

[Fortune Feimster]

We. We did at some point. I don't remember. I just.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't remember if it was part of a question. And I answered. Somehow I brought up that I really love sitting on benches.

[Mae Martin]

Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, I'll go around, like, especially during the times I've been going through where it's just been a bit heavier. I've been driving to, like, parks, or if I'm on the road, I'll walk around town. And if I see a bench, I really enjoy sitting on it. And it just brings out a lot of, like, introspective thoughts or I'm just enjoying the day and the sunshine. So, yeah, I was just talking about loving a bench. And then. Then my mom and I've been doing some videos when I go visit her. On the bench.

[Mae Martin]

Yes. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Where we're sharing her updates.

[Tig Notaro]

It's also so fun to just. People watch on a bench.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I do that, too.

[Tig Notaro]

That is a grand old time.

[Mae Martin]

You know what my favorite I keep getting on my algorithm or whatever? One of my favorite types of videos that I see is picture this person. Maybe they're eating a sandwich. They're on their lunch break. They go sit on a bench next to a statue. You know how sometimes they have a statue on a bench, but guess what? It's not a statue. It's a person in disguise. And then the statue moves in the person. I love that.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, like, are you talking about those people? Like, when you're in the French Quarter in New Orleans or something? Or you're. Yeah. Somebody.

[Fortune Feimster]

Tin Man. Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

And they just stand very still. And then I do love a good prank like that.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I would notice that that person. That. It was not a statue. I feel like I would know the difference.

[Mae Martin]

Well, you'd smell the sweat and the. And the paint as they're baking in the sun.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I would say you'd smell the pain.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, why are people doing that?

[Mae Martin]

It must be a community that's passionate about it, because there are other easier things you could do to busk or whatever. So it must be a. Maybe there's a whole thing. Statue community.

[Tig Notaro]

Clearly, there Is I'm just curious what makes up the person that is, like, I'm gonna paint my body this metallic color and then go stand out and not move for long stretches of time.

[Mae Martin]

I think they like scaring people. Maybe they like the. Maybe there's a little sadism sprinkled in there because that's pretty fun to spook people all day. You get the screeches and then a big laugh.

[Tig Notaro]

Why not just hide behind a bush and then jump out? I mean, that's so much quicker. You see somebody coming, hide behind a bush. Boo.

[Fortune Feimster]

Boo. Who loves a bush?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. What Fortune. Marie.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm just saying, you love a bush. I love a bench.

[Mae Martin]

I love a blush. A tank.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Your lip taint.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm quitting this podcast.

[Mae Martin]

No, that was what pushed you over the edge.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. I've had enough.

[Fortune Feimster]

Don't do it.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm trying to get this conversation going about 10 people.

[Mae Martin]

Which is an important conversation to have.

[Fortune Feimster]

It is. And. And hopefully those people get big tips when they do this, and it makes it all worth it.

[Tig Notaro]

Big. What tips? Okay. All right. I have to keep an eye on you.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just the tip.

[Mae Martin]

That would be a good. You know, they put like a little sign on a jar by the tip jar. Just the tip would be good.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, Just the tip.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

I'm. Guys, I'm eating a lot of cheese because I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto, and they love, like, a stinky cheese. Like, I feel like you hit 70 and you just want salty morsels in your fridge. Just the charcuterie type objects. And so I've been eating cheese and then having vivid cheese dreams, talking to my sleep, like, crazy about cheese or.

[Tig Notaro]

Cheese is causing weird dreams.

[Mae Martin]

It's causing it. That's a real proven scientific fact.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. A may fact. I would know what I would call it.

[Mae Martin]

You don't know that cheese causes dreams?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I just know that it's not good for your skin and.

[Tig Notaro]

Or your digestion.

[Fortune Feimster]

Pretty bad for you.

[Mae Martin]

But it's good for your subconscious. It torments you all night.

[Fortune Feimster]

I like it. Cool. Stinky cheese.

[Tig Notaro]

You don't like stinky?

[Fortune Feimster]

Not super stinky. I don't want to be smelling it.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, really?

[Tig Notaro]

You know what I used to really be into when I was not vegan was a blue cheeseburger.

[Mae Martin]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

I like blue cheese dressing with my Hooters chicken wings.

[Tig Notaro]

I know you do, girl.

[Fortune Feimster]

Someone had sent me a Hooters gift card for my birthday and.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're all closed. In Southern California or in la.

[Mae Martin]

You're gonna have to hunt one down.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'll have to go on the road and use this gift card.

[Tig Notaro]

My goodness.

[Fortune Feimster]

When. You know, you talk about something way too much when people start sending you gift cards for it.

[Mae Martin]

Tell me about it. The stuff that I was getting on. On tour from handsome listeners that I'm like. Well, I guess I'm obsessed with, like, weird objects and crystals and marbles and vibrators and. Hello. And. And vibrators.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're not given one of those.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune. Why. Why do you keep our wonderful conversation?

[Fortune Feimster]

May posted a vibrator pic once and it, like, broke the Internet.

[Tig Notaro]

What did you do?

[Fortune Feimster]

Am I. Am I crazy? Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, you are.

[Mae Martin]

The only brand partnership I've ever done was for a sex toy. And I. And I posted it. But no, I don't get given vibrators on the road.

[Tig Notaro]

And how did you break the Internet doing that?

[Fortune Feimster]

It got a lot of engagement.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay.

[Mae Martin]

Fortunately, keeps tabs on the level of engagement.

[Tig Notaro]

Have I ever posted anything that's broken the Internet?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, you. You broke the Internet with your. With your zombie picture. Yes, in the flight.

[Tig Notaro]

But I didn't post that. I didn't post that.

[Fortune Feimster]

It doesn't matter.

[Tig Notaro]

It does. I'm trying to figure out if I have ever broken the Internet with.

[Fortune Feimster]

We know you are not gonna post anything, so someone has to post it about you to break it.

[Tig Notaro]

Me? Yeah, I just posted something several days ago.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right, I forgot. But you hadn't been posting and now you're posting again.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I don't know that I'm on an upswing of posting. I do have days, though, where I'm like, man, I am gonna get on this whole posting thing and I'm just gonna like, this is the new me. This is me.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then insta Stories constantly get ready to tig.

[Tig Notaro]

I have to say, when I was in Toronto, I got way more involved in Instagram than I had ever been. Like, I had never posted a story until I lived in Toronto for Star Trek this last year.

[Mae Martin]

That's loneliness, though.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's like, yeah, that's your family not being with you.

[Mae Martin]

Your family's not there.

[Tig Notaro]

You're just. As soon as I got home, I was like, now I know how to post stories and I get the whole stories thing. But I'm not, like, doing what I was doing before.

[Mae Martin]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

But I really do have those moments where I'm like, man, I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna really get this going and.

[Mae Martin]

Gotta do a sex toy photo. That's the thing.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I'll have to do that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Can you do a TikTok dance?

[Tig Notaro]

I'm not on TikTok.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay. What?

[Mae Martin]

May I regret it? I was gonna say, do you guys use vibrators or.

[Tig Notaro]

I love how high your voice went.

[Mae Martin]

I just. I just wanted to. Because I don't. I gotta say, I don't. If I don't really. I mean, I did the brand partnership for sure, but, like, on my own. I'm not really using. I'm not really using. I might incorporate.

[Fortune Feimster]

Surprising. I thought you would be using one of those. What?

[Mae Martin]

Constantly.

[Tig Notaro]

Hold on one second. I just realized you do this sometimes when you talk. I think when you talk about something uncomfortable, you put your finger on your nose.

[Mae Martin]

Me?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, you do that.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God. You just.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, you do that. That exact thing. That exact thing.

[Mae Martin]

Okay. You know what I noticed I do as well is because, you know, I have a phobia of being, like, shiny or oily. So I'm constantly. If you're watching on YouTube, you'll see me, like, dabbing my face and that's what I'm doing. And then guess what? Not that we're beauty influencers, but we.

[Tig Notaro]

Are the higher self, you know?

[Mae Martin]

Do you know what that is?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it's an oil thing.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oil thing.

[Tig Notaro]

I already said it. Fortune. Quit trying to get points, by the way.

[Fortune Feimster]

Neither of us have the right word, but it isn't.

[Tig Notaro]

Is it or is it not an oil thing?

[Fortune Feimster]

It's an oil thing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Well, I said it first. Fortune. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

[Fortune Feimster]

Also beauty influencers.

[Mae Martin]

This is a. Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

We should be beauty influencers that fight.

[Mae Martin]

And that don't know the words for anything.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, let go.

[Tig Notaro]

My oil thing.

[Mae Martin]

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, you know, to check that if you cut your own hair, you check the back as well as the front. You've got this.

[Mae Martin]

Check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate Savings. Vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Shopping, planning and cooking. Food really can be simple and stress free. Imagine having your weekly shopping cart filled for you and your meals for the week. Decided on. Taking all that work off my plate is why I love hungryroot. Hungryroot takes the stress out of mealtime by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your week of meals. Plus, it gets smarter with every order by learning what you like. There are countless thousands of recipes with many taking 15 minutes or less to make.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Mae Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

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[Mae Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

So take proactive care of your health and head to oppositive.com handsome or enter handsome at checkout for 25% off your first purchase. That's O P O S I t I v.com Handsome for 25% off. Is there a proper word for it?

[Mae Martin]

Yes, actually it's called a blotting paper. And since I was about 12 years old, my mom has been pushing these on me. Like saying you gotta get into blotting paper because my mom's very oil conscious. She I always wanted to be very matte. A matte creature.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

So then today I finally she was like, do you want some blotting papers for the road? As I headed out and I said, yeah. And then look at me go, I'm loving it.

[Tig Notaro]

So now I might oh my gosh, what is this Partnership?

[Mae Martin]

No, this is just.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think paper seems good for you. If you're worried about oil. That's a perfect marriage right there.

[Mae Martin]

Absolutely. And I think I just was rebelling against my mom for years. Something about her saying the words blotting paper annoyed me. I don't know why. You know, it's fine, Mom. I don't need blotting paper. It's not 1960 or whatever. And then I don't know what that.

[Tig Notaro]

Meant, but then I would have just looked at my mother and said, say again.

[Mae Martin]

And that would have put an end to the conversation.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm sorry. Say that to me one more time, please.

[Fortune Feimster]

Never enough with a man like you.

[Mae Martin]

What do you think?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know what we're singing.

[Mae Martin]

What is that? And what's the person asking to hear again?

[Fortune Feimster]

Say it to me one more time. Is that a Lionel Richie song?

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Mae Martin]

What do they want the person to say?

[Fortune Feimster]

This.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, isn't it, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

Do you use vibrator?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, isn't it. Do that to me one more time in the song. Do that to me one more time.

[Fortune Feimster]

Do it to me one more time.

[Tig Notaro]

We're singing different songs.

[Fortune Feimster]

Captain Antenna.

[Tig Notaro]

Do that to me one more time.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, that's the song.

[Tig Notaro]

This is never enough.

[Mae Martin]

Don't think I haven't noticed.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's all Tig right there, y'. All.

[Tig Notaro]

What do I do? Me One more time. Once is never enough.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, wow.

[Tig Notaro]

I didn't know I was capable of such.

[Fortune Feimster]

We didn't know you were capable of that. Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Can we loop that a few times on this episode, please?

[Mae Martin]

I have noticed that neither of you answered the question.

[Fortune Feimster]

Interesting.

[Tig Notaro]

I am without those. I will tell you.

[Fortune Feimster]

I do sometimes.

[Mae Martin]

Yes, yes, Fortune, Marie, listen. I do sometimes as well. So that's two against one. But it's just not my.

[Tig Notaro]

My go to usually sounds like it's fortunes 24 7. Good Lord. Take a break, you guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm blushing.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, I don't want you to electrocute yourself.

[Fortune Feimster]

I need a blotting pad.

[Tig Notaro]

You need an oil thing.

[Mae Martin]

Well, my. My concern. And we'll move off this topic for sure.

[Tig Notaro]

No, we won't.

[Fortune Feimster]

Please stay on this as long as possible.

[Tig Notaro]

I want to know Fortune's schedule.

[Fortune Feimster]

Jig Marie.

[Mae Martin]

But there's no schedule.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's just, you know, when the.

[Mae Martin]

When the mood takes you. Yeah, but my concern is that, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

[Tig Notaro]

Go on.

[Mae Martin]

I worry that I would get a. Then I wouldn't be able to not use it, if you know what I'm saying. If you Catch my drift? Like, you get it. You. Then you get addicted.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, if you use it too much.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. It's not hard to wait.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you saying if you use it too much?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Like, I've dated a lot of Fortune.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you worried?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

You are?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I am not worried.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm sorry. Are you saying too many times?

[Fortune Feimster]

Batteries. Go on, May. I'm sorry. Tig is rudely interrupting.

[Mae Martin]

Tig, you are on one today. Have you. Have you. Did you have a bunch of decaf coffees or what?

[Tig Notaro]

I. You know what? I had a little bit of regular coffee today. I will be honest. And I did play doubles tennis with my family.

[Mae Martin]

Whoa.

[Fortune Feimster]

We can tell you're hopped up on life.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Wait, who were the teams?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, we switched. Everybody had a chance to be on everybody's team, so we played for a little over an hour. And Max and Finn are just learning how to play tennis. And Stephanie and I are just getting back into the swing of things with tennis. But, man, I cannot recommend, like, if you have two kids, that is a really good game to play, a really good sport.

[Mae Martin]

Do you feel pressure to let them win? Like, not to go too hard on them?

[Tig Notaro]

No, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're like, I pounce on them.

[Tig Notaro]

No, no, no. Finn is so competitive. It's like. It's a whole thing. It is like, so Stephanie. And so is Stephanie.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. And then they haven't played with me. I'm a college tennis player.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune, those are truly getting bigger. Your guns. This is insane things. I mean, come on, man.

[Fortune Feimster]

Everybody calm down.

[Tig Notaro]

Look, I have. Look at.

[Fortune Feimster]

My gun's got the guns. Oh, everybody's. Everybody's bringing them.

[Mae Martin]

Pretty good, guys. I just felt. I just.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, hold on, hold on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, here we go. My loved ones, I don't think. Yeah, not much happening there. It's this one.

[Tig Notaro]

But Fortune, do you see mine?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, you guys, some great guns.

[Mae Martin]

I just had a flash of how embarrassing it is how many times we've shown each other our guns on this podcast. I just was like, this podcast is just three of us being like, no, guys, no. Look at that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Three pretty little ladies and ladies just showing the ghost. We're proud of them. This freaking treading water is hard.

[Mae Martin]

Hell, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

How many times a week are you treading now? Twice.

[Fortune Feimster]

Three or three or four when I'm home. Like, home, home. But if I'm at. I'm traveling a lot. Like, twice.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune, that's insane. That's incredible.

[Fortune Feimster]

I will say, the last couple weeks, I have been enjoying lollygagging in the pool.

[Mae Martin]

Is that what you call using your vibrator? Thank you.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's a leaf blower.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, that is a leaf blower, which.

[Tig Notaro]

I said I was gonna say. Sounds like you'll take anything. Oh, my Lord, I see you so differently. Fortune. But go on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, you know, it's those kind of times.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, man. I'm actually. Because I'm. Tomorrow I go to Portugal for a week with my family, and there's a pool. So I'm like, maybe there's a pool in Portugal. There's one pool in Portugal.

[Fortune Feimster]

There's one pool in Portugal. And I'll see you there. One pool in Portugal Won't you join.

[Mae Martin]

Me in the air?

[Fortune Feimster]

This is gonna be a jam. One pool in Portugal.

[Mae Martin]

Oh.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just stop and stare how many times I have to rhyme these words? God, I really painted myself in a corner. Portugal.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, come on. Tell us about the pool in Portugal.

[Mae Martin]

I mean, I'm scared.

[Tig Notaro]

Don't give up. Don't give up. Tell us about the pool, buddy.

[Mae Martin]

This song's gonna tell us about your.

[Tig Notaro]

Little swimming pool in Portugal. Why.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm the one over here getting slammed for a vibrator.

[Mae Martin]

Nothing's gonna beat that song. I was just gonna say.

[Tig Notaro]

What song?

[Fortune Feimster]

Portugal.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

They tell us about your le.

[Fortune Feimster]

Your dreams come true.

[Mae Martin]

I was just simply gonna say it might be a fun activity with my family to tread in the morning.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, that would be good.

[Tig Notaro]

So it'd be the four of you.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. And my brother's wife.

[Fortune Feimster]

As a family.

[Tig Notaro]

We came here from Canada.

[Mae Martin]

Thomas just wrote. Tig, can you move off the mic?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, you're coming in too hot, Tig. Tig's coming in hot.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I had a little caffeine this morning.

[Fortune Feimster]

And, you know, had no clue.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

This is why I steer clear of it.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, here goes fortune with the depuffer. This is a wild episode so far.

[Tig Notaro]

This is like a minute. Everything's making sense. This is about the vibrator depuffer.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is the puffer for my face. Oh, it feels so good, y'. All. Oh, it's getting loud. Sorry.

[Tig Notaro]

That's all right, girl. Are you excited for your trip with your family?

[Mae Martin]

I am excited, yeah. It's like we. We haven't.

[Tig Notaro]

That's the answer of somebody excited. Yeah, I am. Yes, I am excited. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Excited to go to one pool in Portugal.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

My family.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love Portugal. It's gorgeous.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, you've been.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Many times did you go to. Because I lived in Spain.

[Mae Martin]

I'm going to, like, a little island in The Azores. And it's the first time that we've all been on a plane together in, like, 20 years. Like, it's gonna be. It's gonna be crazy. And I'm curious. Like, they're. My parents don't really use smartphones, and they navigate the world in a different way. So I'm like, what do they use?

[Tig Notaro]

Like, an. They unfold a map and so they.

[Fortune Feimster]

Use a book from Rick Steves, though.

[Mae Martin]

Who's Rick Steves?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, who's that? Guys, two against one. Tell us who it is.

[Fortune Feimster]

Rick Steves is only the premier tour person that people buy his books to get his recommendations, to find out what cute little boutique hotels he loves, what cities he enjoys, where to go eat. How dare you put some respect on Rick Steves name. Let me look up and make sure that is his name. He was popular back in the day. I don't. Yep. American travel writer Rick Steves. I mean, who doesn't want to listen to this guy?

[Tig Notaro]

I'm happy to listen to him. I just, you know, learning about him, but I don't need to be yelled at about.

[Fortune Feimster]

He's on a bike in front of the Eiffel Tower in a. With a scarf. Rick Steve, 70 years old.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, please send some pictures. Fortune still talking about.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sorry, Rich D. May. Do we have. Do you have plans? You know what you're doing?

[Tig Notaro]

One.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, I'll be in the one pool. I'm. It's like, well, when you're a kid and you're flying with your parents, they're taking care of you. They're like, do you want a snack? You want your crayon?

[Tig Notaro]

No, they weren't. But, no, I'm the one for you.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm like, mom, what can I get you? Sit here. Let me go get.

[Tig Notaro]

See, we got dumped off at the airport with little pins on our shirt that said America Airlines. And then. Anyway, but go on. Your parents made sure you had things to eat.

[Mae Martin]

Well, that'll. I was just saying what Fortune's saying, that that'll be made this time. I'll be, like, trying to make sure they're hydrated and, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're gonna go to Hot Springs. We're gonna go. We're gonna eat fish. We're gonna see if my dad's still allergic to cod. We'll find out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, do we want to test that? Do we want to test that?

[Tig Notaro]

Are you gonna see if you're still allergic to coconut?

[Mae Martin]

I know that I am because of that woman that I Told the lotion. Yeah. And my hand got all red and funny feeling because that woman put lotion on me.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, speaking of lotion, in a crazy twist in life, I just got even. It's so funny that we were talking about this with meet and greets. I just got approached to revisit meet and greets for my next tour.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, wow.

[Mae Martin]

I think you should do it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know. Tig's not really a meet and greet kind of gal.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know. Maybe we should turn it to the. To the listeners. Like, should somebody like me do a meet and greet?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, they want to meet you, but the thing is, I want to meet them.

[Tig Notaro]

I just don't want people grabbing my booty, you know?

[Mae Martin]

Okay, well, what about if you or your dumpster tits. I'll come with you.

[Tig Notaro]

Hey, off my dumpster tits, lady. You'll come with me.

[Mae Martin]

I'll come on tour with you, and then they can meet me after. I'll do the meet and greets.

[Fortune Feimster]

May is good at meet and greets.

[Mae Martin]

You do the shows, and then I'll do the meet and greets. They can grab my booty.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, look at that.

[Tig Notaro]

That's perfect.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is nice.

[Tig Notaro]

You can, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

You can set it so that it's only a certain number.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, that's what.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm not spending, like, a crazy amount of time on it.

[Tig Notaro]

How long do your meet and greets last?

[Mae Martin]

Me? Well, I. I probably met about. I put a cap on, like, 30 people, and so it would. It would take a good hour, hour and a half, because I was chatting. You can't. You can't stop me.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's. That's a long time. I think I kept mine up. I think I kept mine at 40, and it probably is about 45 minutes.

[Mae Martin]

Whoa. In and out. So people are getting a minute or.

[Fortune Feimster]

They get a big hug, though, and that's nice.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And they get pictures hugging me, and then. Then the pictures together like this. I sign their little.

[Tig Notaro]

They get to pull you the guns out.

[Fortune Feimster]

They get. What is this called?

[Tig Notaro]

They get a VIP vibrator. Oh, credential.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I sign it.

[Mae Martin]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I mean, we're just efficient. I have a pretty amazing tour manager that keeps it.

[Mae Martin]

See, I'm. I'm having. I'm talking about astrology. I'm talking. I'm getting deep with everybody. It's so. It does take a while.

[Fortune Feimster]

Last 20 minutes for 50 people. Keep it moving.

[Tig Notaro]

They just walk past me and I go, hi, nice to meet you.

[Fortune Feimster]

Keep it moving.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I. Yeah. It's, it's just an interesting, interesting thing to, to consider and especially right after it came up, after that Eureka Springs and the discussion we had. But you know, I'll think about it. I'll see what our listeners say. Should I do a meet and greet? Maybe we could do a poll on social media. Yeah, should I do a meet and greet? As long as nobody touches my sweet, sweet booty Booty hole.

[Mae Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

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[Mae Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

From disastrous dates to family secrets, accidentally joining a cult and a poop disaster, you won't believe they've heard it all. It's relatable, chaotic and laugh out loud funny. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to armchair expert on YouTube. I'm not big on trends, but I am big on clothes that feel good and last. That's why I keep going back to Quints.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[Fortune Feimster]

Don't touch Tig's booty hole when you're in Portugal.

[Tig Notaro]

I was gonna say in Pakistan. One booty in Pakistan.

[Fortune Feimster]

I got pulled over by the Portugal police.

[Mae Martin]

You did?

[Tig Notaro]

Swimming in the pool?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I was. I guess I got in the speed trap. I went off the freeway to take a more scenic route.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And when I got off the freeway, they were just pulling people over left and right for speeding.

[Tig Notaro]

Why were you speeding through a scenery?

[Fortune Feimster]

I didn't know what the speed limit was and.

[Tig Notaro]

But shouldn't you be driving slower if you're looking at things?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I was getting to the scenic route. I was on route to it, and it was kind of scary because they pulled me over and I had to. They took my passport and left for, like, 45 minutes with it. Whoa.

[Mae Martin]

That was scary. What are you like when you get pulled over? Is that the only time you've been pulled over?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I've gotten pulled over a couple times in my. In my life for speeding.

[Mae Martin]

Do you get. Do you get nervous?

[Tig Notaro]

Are you an aggressive driver fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, it's. No, it's just in my life, I've maybe been pulled over four times. I don't think that's crazy.

[Mae Martin]

No, that's not too bad.

[Fortune Feimster]

Let's see. One, two, three. Five times. Five times.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow. The fact that you can count.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm good at counting.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't get pulled over much. I don't get pulled over much because Stephanie does most of the driving.

[Mae Martin]

Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

And so she gets pulled over, and.

[Tig Notaro]

We'Ve been together for 12 years. So that's really cut into my amount of.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love driving. I'll be the one that drives y' all around.

[Tig Notaro]

Gosh, this is crazy.

[Mae Martin]

Wait, we haven't got our question yet.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, we should get to it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Mae Martin]

I'm excited about this one. I mean, I always am. Let's be clear.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes, let's be clear.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's be queer and let's be clear.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Today's question Asker is an actor, comedian, and podcast host who's written for and performed on SNL since 2018. He hosts the hit podcast Las Culturistas, which is airing a culture Award awards special on Bravo and Peacock on August 5th. I'm pumped about that. He starred in movies like Fire island and Wicked. Bowen Yang is asking today's question.

[Fortune Feimster]

Love him. Hi, Tig.

[Mae Martin]

Hi, May. My question is, what is your diner order? And what does that say about you?

[Tig Notaro]

What?

[Mae Martin]

Okay, let's unpack this.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, that's the first time that's ever happened.

[Mae Martin]

That is the first. Let me say, I am so glad I wasn't the one left out, because I would be fine.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm fine, you guys.

[Mae Martin]

You don't have to leave me to be fine.

[Fortune Feimster]

Blower alone.

[Mae Martin]

You don't have to pretend to be fine.

[Tig Notaro]

You go home and blow up your leaf Blower.

[Fortune Feimster]

And self.

[Tig Notaro]

Self soothe.

[Fortune Feimster]

I. I'm sure he went to. In his head. He probably said it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, for sure. And you know what?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'll.

[Tig Notaro]

I'll. I'll switch it out. You can pretend like he said your name and he didn't say mine.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, that will help.

[Mae Martin]

And so the question was, what?

[Fortune Feimster]

I still love. I still love him, though. He's so funny.

[Tig Notaro]

I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

And his podcast, Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers is so funny. I don't know if you guys have listened, but so funny.

[Mae Martin]

And they've had everyone on it, and.

[Fortune Feimster]

They'Re hilarious, and they have these great bits that they pull from it for social media. This I don't think so honey moment where for a whole minute you rant about something and it's one of my favorite things to watch.

[Mae Martin]

It is really good.

[Tig Notaro]

That's great.

[Mae Martin]

Wait, the question was, what's your diner order?

[Fortune Feimster]

I. Oh, okay. I didn't. I forgot what the question was because I was a little distracted.

[Mae Martin]

Well, you were. You were freaking out. Let's be honest. We were all freaking out.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, you know, I have to say, I had a really classic diner order the other day, which I don't. I don't typically order this, but it was so good. And actually, when we were talking about cheese earlier and Vegan cheese. Yeah, I had a full on beyond meat burger with vegan cheese and onion rings.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, onion rings. I love an onion ring.

[Tig Notaro]

I love onion rings.

[Mae Martin]

I love them. But also, sometimes you. When the whole onion comes out of the. You know what I mean? You can't.

[Tig Notaro]

Bigger problem, may get a bigger problem. I thought you were gonna say sometimes it's too crispy. I love a really crispy onion ring.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, me too. Me, too. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Dip in ketchup. Get out of my way.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. So I just had that order days ago.

[Mae Martin]

Okay, that's pretty. That is classic. And do you have it with fries or salad or whatever?

[Tig Notaro]

Onion rings may.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

[Fortune Feimster]

But it is. There are some places that let you do half and half. Half fries, half onion rings, and that is a real treat.

[Tig Notaro]

What a generous restaurant that lets you do half onion rings.

[Fortune Feimster]

For real. More people should.

[Tig Notaro]

Why wouldn't they? You know what I love that's half and half. That Stephanie still is like, what are you doing? I do half soups. Do you do those?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, no.

[Mae Martin]

What do you mean?

[Tig Notaro]

Where you have the bowl, you have them put half of one flavor of soup, and then you have the other flavor. You have them put the other half in and you. Do you have a 50. 50 bowl of soup?

[Fortune Feimster]

Give us two of your favorites together.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I mean, anything like lentil soup and tomato soup, you know.

[Mae Martin]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Anything. Anything. Anything. Anything.

[Mae Martin]

Is that a thing or you just invent.

[Tig Notaro]

No, it's a thing, and it's. It's something you can do.

[Mae Martin]

I'm trying to imagine, like, a chicken noodle with a tomato or something. That's crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you don't always have to throw a tomato in there.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, Everything has to be part tomato, part something else. That's a strong flavor.

[Mae Martin]

Tomato soup, chicken soup and lentil would be pretty good.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Like, I would have to go broth to broth or cream to cream, but I don't know if I'd want to do like.

[Mae Martin]

Like broth to cream.

[Tig Notaro]

You say this until you have it, and it's so delicious.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I guess I'll have to try it at a Whole Foods one of these days. I want to be in charge of it. I don't want someone doing it for me.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, why wouldn't you be in charge of it? Nobody's gonna, like, barrel over there at Whole Foods. Excuse me. Excuse me.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I'm saying if you, like, went to a restaurant, I was like, hey, can you give me half this? Then they're in charge of it. I would do this experiment at, like, a Whole Foods, Right.

[Mae Martin]

Where you're doing the amounts and the ratios and the ladling and. Yeah, yeah. Did you guys know that diners use. I was gonna say I'll have what she's having or something, but then I couldn't think of how to say it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Is that when Harry met Sally?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, that's my only diner reference. But I think that diners originated as train carriages and they were called lunch cars.

[Tig Notaro]

Mayfact. Mayfact.

[Fortune Feimster]

You don't seem confident about this Mayfact, though.

[Mae Martin]

No, no. It's really coming from the deep recesses of my mind.

[Tig Notaro]

May Falls. May Falls.

[Mae Martin]

May Falls. My diner order would be a chicken schnitzel, mashed potatoes, gravy, and some steamed broccoli or something. But, like steamed so much that it's like mush almost. Or peas. I love peas.

[Tig Notaro]

I love peas.

[Mae Martin]

But also, I just. A classic breakfast. Crispy bacon, rye toast, fried eggs, and a black coffee drip. Coffee that they're refilling. And then you pretend that you're in like the 50s and you're like a beat poet and that you're kind of hungover and you're like, the $2.99 breakfast, please. You know, and you got your little mush, honey. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And do you roll your jeans up, your blue jeans up, cuff them at the bottom?

[Mae Martin]

Yes, you do. And you put your pack of cigarettes into your sleeve or your T shirt.

[Fortune Feimster]

I did eat at a diner with May when we had our live show in Austin.

[Tig Notaro]

And, yeah, thanks for inviting me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Ordering like a king. I'll have one more of this and one more of that. Add this. I was like.

[Mae Martin]

Was I? Whoa.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cool. Fancy mayo.

[Tig Notaro]

Why wasn't I invited?

[Mae Martin]

I think you already know.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think we're flying out. Yeah, my flight got delayed, but I.

[Mae Martin]

Had a hash brown. I remember that much. And it was tasty. I love a hash brown.

[Tig Notaro]

I remember there was a diner when I lived in Denver that had like a fried fish sandwich. Like, you know, kind of like a McDonald's style, low rent, where it's like in a square and, you know, tartar sauce and. Yeah, you know, I remember really liking that.

[Mae Martin]

It's just so soothing, the atmosphere, because it's like you're out at a restaurant, but there's no heirs and graces. It's like casual home cooking. You're like, the waiters are going to be friendly. Like, you're. I. It's a nice place to be. I could sit in a diner all day.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I don't like a diner too.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

If I'm going to a diner in the breakfast. I'm not really a breakfast for dinner kind of gal. I know some people love that. I. If I'm eating breakfast, I prefer it in the breakfast hours. And I'm usually doing a hash brown, extra crispy. I'm doing like.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

One scrambled egg. I don't like it when they give me like three because I know I'm not gonna eat it. And I don't like to be wasteful.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. I like your style.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then I like either like one waffle or one pancake.

[Mae Martin]

Something sweet and salty, right? Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Have you been to Millie's on. On Sunset?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I don't really know what that is.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, that's a great diner y breakfast place. But they do these waffles that are so fluffy and. And you can do like a. Or you can do a single pancake.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Gluten free blueberry pancake if you want.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you remember when it was popular to have fat free stuff?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, that was big when I was a kid.

[Tig Notaro]

It was so funny.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Stephanie and I were just talking about that the other day. Just people that were on fat free diets where they'd be like, they'd stock up on fat free cookies and fat free crackers and fat free cheese and. And waffles and pancakes and then.

[Mae Martin]

But now we know fats are healthy and good. Right? Like now we don't do fat free. We do like gluten free.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I mean, there's sodium. Any of that stuff is like, if you're getting serious about your health, you're not gonna get like 10 boxes of fat free cookies.

[Fortune Feimster]

But that was the fat. I talk about it in stand up right now. I had to go to a nutrition class and it was all about counting fat grams.

[Tig Notaro]

When did you do that?

[Fortune Feimster]

When I was 12, my mom signed me up for a nutrition glass.

[Tig Notaro]

What did you learn?

[Fortune Feimster]

Nothing.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, nothing stuck with you?

[Mae Martin]

No, because it's probably all outdated now too.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was. Yeah, it was like. It was counting backgrounds. It was like. And so they were just making foods. I joke that we. I went from eating Chips Ahoy cookies to snack wells. They just made other cookies that said fat free. So everyone was like, oh, I can eat these because they're fat free. And that meant nothing.

[Tig Notaro]

Right. That's what I used to think. I think I had a bit about that too. With like Twinkie lights is what they were called. And they were just like half the size of normal Twinkies. So I was like, okay, now I can have two. You know, it's just like.

[Mae Martin]

Do you like Twinkies?

[Tig Notaro]

I did as a kid. I haven't had them in decades.

[Mae Martin]

I. They weren't really big in Canada, but we had Joe Louis, which are kind of the equivalent in that it's like a. Thomas is nodding. It's like a. How would you describe it?

[Tig Notaro]

Joe Louie's.

[Mae Martin]

It's like a chocolate cake.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, the consistency of kind of one.

[Mae Martin]

Of those, like, Little Debbie type cakes.

[Fortune Feimster]

And it has a vanilla inside cream.

[Mae Martin]

And it's dipped in chocolate, but it comes, like, individually wrapped, and it's. It never goes out of date like the last 20 years.

[Fortune Feimster]

I actually have a story, which is.

[Mae Martin]

Thomas has a story. I'm gonna volunteer because my mom. The last thing.

[Tig Notaro]

She'll edit all this out.

[Fortune Feimster]

We'll edit this out.

[Mae Martin]

But the last thing she ate before she gave birth to me was a Joe Louie.

[Fortune Feimster]

So my name was almost Joe Louis. Willette.

[Mae Martin]

Because we should name me Joe Louie.

[Fortune Feimster]

Joe Louie does not look like a Joe Louie, but it explains a lot.

[Mae Martin]

Like, that's such a joyful snack. And the fact that. And they would have been in, like, a vending machine in the hospital or something, probably. And you have a joyful Joe Louie energy.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Who was the Joey?

[Tig Notaro]

I can morph your face into Joe Louie, no problem.

[Mae Martin]

Who was Joe Louie? Chocolate.

[Fortune Feimster]

Did Joe Louie work in a button factory?

[Mae Martin]

Oh, it's a combination of two of them.

[Fortune Feimster]

My name is Joe.

[Mae Martin]

Here we go. Oh, guys. Interesting. It was a. Well, you be the judge if it's interesting. It does not refer to the boxer Joe Louie. It's a combination of the names of two of the Vachon sons. That's the company that made the snacks. Joseph and Louis. And then it said the popular misconception arises because the cake resembles a chocolate version of the Mae west, which was named after the actress Mae West. Anyway. You like that?

[Fortune Feimster]

I love that. Loved it.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's hear it again. Let's hear it one more time.

[Fortune Feimster]

I loved it. Every second of it.

[Mae Martin]

I would have bet my life that it was named after the boxer Joe Louie. So there you go.

[Fortune Feimster]

I've never even heard of Joe Louie.

[Tig Notaro]

I zoned out on all of this.

[Mae Martin]

That's fair.

[Fortune Feimster]

How dare you? If I'm going to a diner at night.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, back to this.

[Fortune Feimster]

I want a good. Like either a cheeseburger.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Or a club sandwich.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh. A blt.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, those. Something about that sourdough bread toasted at These diners. So good.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And it's like a vegan bacon in there.

[Mae Martin]

Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

And. And if they could give me half fries, half onion rings, I'd be real pumped.

[Tig Notaro]

And I would prefer 50 soup.

[Fortune Feimster]

I either want crinkle cut fries or skinny fries.

[Mae Martin]

Crinkle cut fries for me.

[Tig Notaro]

Skinny.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't want the big fat fries. I don't want. I don't want curly fries and I don't want.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't like Cajun flavor on the fries.

[Fortune Feimster]

Me neither. I don't like.

[Tig Notaro]

Get that. Stop it. Just stop it. Yeah, stop it.

[Mae Martin]

I could do a little Cajun Flav.

[Fortune Feimster]

But no, I don't want the orange ones.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, when. When the dust all accumulates in one bit and then you have one that's way too flavorful.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then if I'm feeling really naughty.

[Tig Notaro]

Tell a milk shake milkshake or banana split. I mean, come on, you're already at a diner. Might as well get a banana split.

[Fortune Feimster]

Go for it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

I'm not.

[Fortune Feimster]

God, this makes me want to go to a diner.

[Tig Notaro]

I haven't had a banana split in like 25 years and I don't know why.

[Fortune Feimster]

With real bananas, though.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, banana milkshake with real bananas. That is good.

[Tig Notaro]

What do you mean, real bananas? There's not real bananas in bananas.

[Fortune Feimster]

Some people use the powdered. Is disgusting. You need a real chopped up bananas in this.

[Tig Notaro]

I've never heard of banana powder.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's out there.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, it's like. And it tastes like medicine. It's like. Yeah, it's no good.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's out there, Baby Boo.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I love when you call me that.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's all I want to call you now.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't think I look like baby boo with my military haircut.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes, you do. I've seen that soft side. I've seen that soft side of you, Baby Boo.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, there's always a soft side under, you know, tough guy, military head.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, I've seen GI Jane. There's a soft side.

[Fortune Feimster]

I bet you guys have not watched this.

[Tig Notaro]

The.

[Fortune Feimster]

The Queer Ultimatum on Netflix. If any of y' all watch that.

[Mae Martin]

Wrong.

[Fortune Feimster]

You've been watching it?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, of course. I just started the new season.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's pretty interesting.

[Tig Notaro]

I've seen all of it.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, you haven't. You want me. You want me to tell you what it is?

[Tig Notaro]

Sure.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it's. It's these. These lesbian couples. I don't know, there's maybe like seven, six of them. I don't know. And they give their. Their partner. And also one person has Given their partner an ultimatum. We either get married or we break up.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then they go on it on television, as you do when you've been given an ultimatum.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And you meet these other couples that have also given ultimatums.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, I'm sorry. You're saying ultimatum or Old tomato?

[Mae Martin]

I almost spat old everywhere.

[Fortune Feimster]

Old tomatoes.

[Mae Martin]

Tomatoes. No, the prem. Please, can it be the Old Tomato Queer Edition.

[Tig Notaro]

Because I would be on the Old Tomato show. Like, if I had to just grow tomatoes.

[Mae Martin]

I was given the other one.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the older lesbians.

[Tig Notaro]

I. Yeah, I'll host the queer Old tomato, and then I'll give the winner an ultimatum.

[Fortune Feimster]

Everyone has to live on a farm.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm. Go on.

[Fortune Feimster]

So then you mingle with all the other couples, because what's going to happen is you are going to pick someone from another couple to live with for three weeks and pretend to be married to them. Complete stranger. And then you do that for three weeks.

[Tig Notaro]

You pretend.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. And they go, well, you might. You might hook up with them, but you don't. You might not. You don't have to. These are people who are, like, about to maybe get married, and then they go live for three weeks that they all fall in love with their new partner.

[Tig Notaro]

They do.

[Mae Martin]

Often times. And.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, like, half of them do.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Half of them hate each other.

[Fortune Feimster]

And some of them have sex.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, they do.

[Fortune Feimster]

Technically. You know what? Per the rules, they're broken up, and then the other. But then the partner finds out and flips out, so I don't.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, why do they go on this show? I don't even understand why you would introduce. Yeah, because they want to be famous.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I don't think anyone's doing it because it's going to help their relationship, that is.

[Tig Notaro]

What is that on? I'm kind of curious.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's on Netflix.

[Tig Notaro]

And why don't they have straight ultimatums?

[Fortune Feimster]

They do. And his wife Vanessa host it. This is the Gate, the lesbian version, hosted by a.

[Mae Martin]

Be honest. A random straight woman who just looks real out of place, but, you know, she does a good job.

[Tig Notaro]

So a straight woman hosts the Queer Ultimatum.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. And on season one, there was a good moment where they were like, someone went, are you queer? To the host, one of the contestants. And she was like, no, I'm not.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's so sweet, though.

[Mae Martin]

She is. You should watch season one, Tig. It's juicy.

[Tig Notaro]

How many seasons are there?

[Fortune Feimster]

Dos, my friend.

[Tig Notaro]

And is it still being made, or is it, like, something from the past?

[Mae Martin]

No, it's. This just came out and the second season. And it's pretty fascinating, don't you think.

[Fortune Feimster]

Meg, to see how these couples act?

[Mae Martin]

Yes. It's gripping because you think, wow, I wonder if I was filmed, if my, like, patterns would be that obvious. Like, like, they are so easily psychoanalyzable. Like, you know what I mean? You just see their communication break down and all the. Yeah, I would be lying if I said that I. That I didn't ask my agent to ask if I could host it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I tried. I could see you hosting that.

[Mae Martin]

I tried so hard.

[Fortune Feimster]

They forget their partners in like two seconds. Tig. It's wild.

[Tig Notaro]

And they've been their partners how long?

[Fortune Feimster]

Anywhere from four years to 10 years.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Sometimes they end up. Sometimes, you know what? Early on in the process, they say, actually, you know what this is. I want to be with my person. And they, they leave the process or whatever. And. And often at the end of the process, they'll say, no, I wanted to leave with who I came with. But I'd say, like 50% of the time they're going, I have never felt this way about this new. This new person is amazing. Listen, I strongly feel people should not go on reality TV so well, because.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because a new, like, it's impossible for. Let's take the 10 year couple. It is impossible to compete with some new exciting thing that, like, you're doing for three weeks where you're the best versions of each other. You're telling each other all this amazing things, and then you got your old ball and chain. You know, with being the real bummer over there, it's like, of course it's gonna mess with your mind.

[Mae Martin]

Of course. And you're. You're in this intense environment. You're. You're. Which you're bonding over. It's all adrenalized and sexy and like. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And now here's my question. It started. Did the straight old tomatoes start or did the queer ones.

[Fortune Feimster]

The straight started first.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh.

[Mae Martin]

So the straight one started. I watched it and I thought. Thought, this is so toxic. All these, like, heteronormative kind of this obsession with marriage. And. And I thought, that's so straight. Then they did the queer one. It was ten times as toxic.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was like, it's pretty toxic.

[Mae Martin]

It is.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow.

[Mae Martin]

It's like more head. More like, I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I'm gonna watch this.

[Mae Martin]

And you definitely should watch it.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's so crazy too, because, like, there's this one girl who's like, found out that her partner slept with the pretend wife. Or whatever. And she's like, I can't believe you would do this. And like, this is so crazy. You don't even love me. And. But she was also sleeping with her pretend wife. And I'm like, what are you doing?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. On tv?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I'm like, they're gonna, they're gonna see what you did. So why is everyone pretending?

[Tig Notaro]

How do you go home for the holidays after you do this? You know what I mean? Like after this is on tv, how do you head home for the holidays? And so. You know what I mean?

[Mae Martin]

I mean it's gonna be a little awkward. I am always like, I think they.

[Fortune Feimster]

Have a lot of them break up. Like even if they stay together like that at the end of the show, they basically have to decide are you staying with your person or you get going off.

[Tig Notaro]

They all break up eventually and see your extended family. You know what I mean?

[Mae Martin]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

After you've created such a circus.

[Mae Martin]

This I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

I always, I think they're thinking about that stuff, you know, I'd be thinking about the holidays. You're not gonna, you also are not gonna go on a reality show giving your wife an ultimatum.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Mae Martin]

I always feel like they, I'm like, do they? I don't think they. Cuz it's not like these are seasoned reality stars going on these shows. These are young people, like from small towns. Often I'm like, do they give these people mental health support afterwards? Because I don't think they know what they're getting into. And then, then I worry about not to bring it down, but I do, I worry about their brains, you know.

[Tig Notaro]

And then you didn't bring it down. Queer old tomato brought it down. Like I can't wait to watch.

[Fortune Feimster]

I need a 6 year old, 50 to 60 year old version of old Tomato.

[Tig Notaro]

I, I have not been so excited to watch something since the Titanic came out.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think you should start, I think you should start seeing season one.

[Mae Martin]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Of course. Why wouldn't.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it is so fascinating because it's such a study of like human behavior. And like you do think like, God, what would I do in this situation?

[Tig Notaro]

Should we hear Bowen's question or answer?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I needed to tell y' all about that.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm so glad you did.

[Mae Martin]

For me it's scrambled eggs plus bacon, hash browns or home fries, what have you. Potato side, some rye toast. I think what that says about me is that I'm a little salty, but I've Got different textures that contain multitudes. There's something for everyone. Or conversely, I love, if it's an option, a French onion soup, which means that I'm again, salty, but I'm cozy. I like cozy stuff. And, and I have a few key ingredients in my life that kind of take center stage, whatever that means. Okay, thanks, guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're welcome.

[Tig Notaro]

Sorry, Bowen. That was some random person that just chimed in. You know what I also have to say I love at a diner is like, of course it's a vegan butter, but, but like buttered toast with jam. I, I, I really.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

How about when you're a kid and you, and you take, you take one of those little packets of jam and you put it in your pocket and you leave and you take it on the road. You know that and you feel like you really got one over on everyone.

[Fortune Feimster]

I got some jam in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

Can I say ready to rock?

[Mae Martin]

Bowen was so funny on overcompensating that Amazon show. But Bowen and Matt Rogers play a couple in it and they're, they're best friends in real life and they are so funny as this couple who are on Grindr and, and anyway, you got to watch it. It's great.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, well, that was all over the place.

[Fortune Feimster]

That was one of our more random bopping from.

[Tig Notaro]

I was into it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Most bizarre things, but what a treat.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, that's to be here with you guys. That's what our questions are supposed to do is just get us a thinking and chatting and it works. And if you enjoyed this ep, send it to a friend. I know I say that, but stop right now. Stop what you're doing right now. That's right, stop.

[Mae Martin]

What if they're doing a surgery?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, stop. Stop doing the surgery. Stop what you're doing. Send this episode to a friend rate, review the podcast and also subscribe. And then subscribe to our YouTube channel. Help us build the community so we can keep this precious podcast afloat. Anyone have anything coming up?

[Mae Martin]

Well, Fortune and I are gonna be in Montreal. I'm there. I'm doing a show, the 25th and the 26th in Montreal at Just for Laughs. If there's still tickets, please come. And other than that, I'm just taking, taking a vacation. So check out my music on Spotify. My album's called I'm a tv.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I'm gonna go do Pride, a Pride show in Reykjavik, Iceland. Come to that show on August 8th. And then my tours continuing in September. San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, Virginia, D.C. boston, Portland, Maine, Mobile, New Orleans, Atlanta, all these places.

[Tig Notaro]

Wonderful. And I will be on August 17th Westampton Beach Performing Arts center in Westampton Beach, New York park and then I will be at Provincetown Town hall in p Town on August 23rd and then the Beau Rivage Resort and casino in Biloxi, Mississippi on September 27th. I'm also working out new material at Largo Dynasty, Typewriter and Comedy bar bouncing between LA and Toronto. So come check me out tignotaro.com for all the information. Also, let me know if I should do meet and greets. Curious what people will think. And until next time, keep it handsome.

[Mae Martin]

Handsome is hosted by Me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willette. Email [e-mail] and please follow us on social media. Ansomepod.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a what a podcast.

[Mae Martin]

What a podcast. That was a headgum podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

[Mae Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

Checking vs smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.