Chelsea Peretti asks about auditions

Summary

Podcast Summary: Handsome – "Audition Antics" Featuring Chelsea Peretti

Episode Information:

• Title: Audition Antics
• Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
• Guest: Chelsea Peretti
• Release Date: March 18, 2025

---

Introduction and Pet Shenanigans

The episode kicks off with the hosts sharing delightful and humorous anecdotes about their pets. Fortune Feimster introduces their fake plant companion, Biggie, and Mae Martin talks about their other cat, Fluff. The conversation dives into the quirky grooming habits of their pets, highlighting incidents where both cats were accidentally nicked during grooming sessions.

• Fortune Feimster: "Biggie got nicked in his butthole once." (04:07)
• Mae Martin: "He overheard and understood what her name was. And she is just a fluff ball." (02:43)

Personal Updates and Touring Tales

Mae Martin updates the group on her summer tour, expressing excitement and the challenges of performing in New York City. She describes the vibrant atmosphere and the enthusiastic response from her fans.

• Mae Martin: "I'm on tour right now. It's been so insanely fun, though." (06:12)

Tig Notaro shares her involvement in a successful film, "Come See Me in the Good Light," which recently won at the Sundance Film Festival. Fortune Feimster discusses her upcoming comedy tour, detailing various cities they'll be performing in.

• Tig Notaro: "Come See Me in the Good Light, that won the Sundance Film Festival this year." (60:08)
• Fortune Feimster: "My tour kicks off April 4th in Savannah, Georgia." (60:56)

Cruising with Fortune's Mom: A Heartwarming Experience

Fortune recounts a memorable experience taking her mother on a gay cruise, highlighting the profound impact it had on both of them. She emphasizes the importance of allyship and the supportive environment the cruise provided for LGBTQ+ individuals.

• Fortune Feimster: "She gives a mama hug for you." (22:32)
• Fortune Feimster: "She symbolizes any mom that supports their gay or queer kid." (22:32)

The hosts reflect on how such experiences foster community and acceptance, sharing laughs over the light-hearted moments they encountered.

Main Discussion: Audition Tales Inspired by Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti poses the central question of the episode: "To what lengths have you gone to nail an audition historically? Have you dressed up in costumes? Have you used props? Have you pantomimed? Has your audition process changed over time?"

Tig Notaro's Spider-Man Audition Fiasco

Tig opens up about her nerve-wracking audition for a role in the "Spider-Man" movie. She describes the intense anxiety she felt and the realization that her audition tape might have been seen by her boss back at work.

• Tig Notaro: "I was so uncomfortable and nervous... I was driving back to Universal going, what in the hell did I just do?" (32:34)

Years later, Tig reconnects with Octavia Spencer, learning that he inadvertently auditioned for the very role Octavia secured, illustrating the unpredictable nature of auditions.

• Tig Notaro: "She got the part and she has the Oscar for... like, I'm the one." (34:39)

Fortune Feimster's Pressure and Decision to Decline

Fortune shares a poignant story about her experience auditioning under immense pressure. Despite being encouraged to pursue a role that was seemingly a guaranteed path to stardom, she felt it wasn't the right fit and chose to step away.

• Fortune Feimster: "I didn't want to do this, but felt pressure... I knew it wasn't right." (43:08)

She emphasizes the importance of staying true to oneself, even when faced with external expectations.

Mae Martin's Childhood Audition for "Oliver Twist"

Mae reminisces about her childhood audition for the role of the Artful Dodger in a Toronto West End production of "Oliver Twist." She vividly describes her elaborate costume and the heartbreak of making it to the final two only to miss out due to summer camp commitments.

• Mae Martin: "I was so invested in this fantasy of getting that part... obviously a boy got it." (38:30)

Group Reflections and Humorous Insights

The trio engages in a lively discussion about the anxiety and absurdity often associated with auditions. They joke about the lengths they've gone to, from dressing up to dealing with embarrassing moments, reinforcing the camaraderie and understanding among creative professionals.

• Mae Martin: "I feel like you'd be good at auditions because you don't radiate desperation." (32:27)
• Fortune Feimster: "We do have on our Instagram page occasionally who said what?" (15:42)

Conclusion and Upcoming Projects

As the episode winds down, the hosts share information about their upcoming projects, tours, and how listeners can support their work. They maintain their signature humor, ending on a light and uplifting note.

• Tig Notaro: "My birthday is March 24th, so we care." (56:00)
• Fortune Feimster: "We'Re singing up here." (58:22)

Notable Quotes:

• Tig Notaro: "I gotta get out of here." (45:33)
• Fortune Feimster: "Everyone's hugging and tugging." (27:50)
• May Martin: "I miss, you know, guys." (05:44)
• Fortune Feimster: "She symbolizes any mom that supports their gay or queer kid." (22:32)

Key Takeaways:

• Authenticity in Auditions: The hosts highlight the importance of being genuine during auditions rather than overcomplicating the process with excessive costumes or props.

• Facing Anxiety: They openly discuss the common fears and anxieties associated with auditions, offering relatable stories that resonate with many listeners.

• Support Systems: Emphasizing the value of supportive communities, whether through cruises or personal relationships, the episode underscores the significance of having allies in challenging professional environments.

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Throughout their stories, the hosts use humor to navigate and alleviate the stress of auditioning, reinforcing the therapeutic role of comedy in their lives.

Final Thoughts:

This episode of "Handsome" masterfully blends humor with heartfelt storytelling, providing listeners with an honest and entertaining look into the often tumultuous world of auditions. Through their candid conversations, Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin offer both laughter and wisdom, making this episode a standout for anyone navigating the ups and downs of creative pursuits.

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Quick Links:

• Subscribe to Handsome: Headgum – Handsome
• Follow Hosts on Social Media:
  • Tig Notaro: tignotaro.com
  • Fortune Feimster: fortunefreefemster.com
  • Mae Martin: maemartin.com

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Note: Time stamps correspond to moments within the episode where the quotes were made.

Transcript

[Fortune Feimster]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast. This episode of Handsome is brought to you by booking.com booking. Yeah. Booking.com has a huge variety of options, from hotels to vacation rentals. And I'm always able to find something that fits my specific needs. I found that booking.com has something for everyone.

[May Martin]

I've been planning a summer getaway with my friends, but finding the right place is very tricky. We want, like, an awesome common room where we can all get together and hang out, but we also want private space to do weird stuff by ourselves. There's couples in the mix, there's single people, and everybody deserves a good room. And I found the perfect vacation rental on booking.com and when I shared it with the group, they were delighted. Nothing's better than that perfect holiday. But for that, you need the perfect.

[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

Like, you know, to check that your vacation time doesn't coincide with college spring break when booking that restful family holiday to the beach.

[Tig Notaro]

Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[May Martin]

Handsome Chatting with friends on the Handsome pot. Chatting with friends on the Handsome pot.

[Tig Notaro]

Cheers. Hi, welcome to Handsome. It's. What is your name?

[May Martin]

May Martin.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hello.

[May Martin]

And you are?

[Tig Notaro]

I am Tig Notaro. We also have another host.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's me, Fortune Feimster. What's up? I'm here with my fake plant.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, it looks so good.

[Fortune Feimster]

Biggie's over here. I'll reveal him later.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. All right.

[May Martin]

He's getting into his outfit.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, he's. He. Well, he's taking a nap right now.

[Tig Notaro]

He's getting out of his outfit.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

He's getting into something a little more comfortable.

[Fortune Feimster]

Biggie just got out of the tub and is slipping into something comfortable.

[May Martin]

What would he look like fully shaved?

[Fortune Feimster]

He is shaved now, and with. If you let his hair grow out, he's like a big puff ball.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is the more, like, smaller version of him.

[May Martin]

Demure.

[Tig Notaro]

Our Kitty Fluff. We've been getting her shaved once or twice a year because she. I mean, when we got her, she was not fluffy, and she somehow overheard and Understood what her name was. And she is just a fluff ball. And so for. I don't know if we're projecting, but it feels like she's happier when we have her shave. But we noticed she had a little boo boo on her stomach and the vet came to the house and they think it was when she got shaved.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, A little nick. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That's happened to Biggie and it happens to be in the shape of the Star Trek emblem. That isn't weird enough. Yeah, the vet was like, you know how the Star Trek emblem looks? And I was like, somewhat familiar. Yeah. So, yeah, we. We had to. That was just before we got on. We had a little fluff pinned down and getting some meds and. Oh, my God. So. But she's doing well. She's doing well. But she got shaved and she got nicked.

[Fortune Feimster]

Biggie got nicked in his butthole once.

[Tig Notaro]

Excuse me, I'm sorry, is this related or unrelated?

[Fortune Feimster]

No. Inside the groomer was, like shaving around his butt and somehow nicked his butthole.

[May Martin]

See, this is why I've never had a Brazilian wax or anything.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, don't do it, May.

[May Martin]

No, I would never.

[Tig Notaro]

Have you ever done it for Chad?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, all the time. What if that was my thing? I've got to go get my butthole waxed.

[Tig Notaro]

Nicked. I have to go get it nicked.

[Fortune Feimster]

I will say I want. I've only one time in my life got a wax down there.

[Tig Notaro]

Down where? Down in Texas.

[Fortune Feimster]

Down in Texas. I did it once. I went to a place where they did the thing and it was like a full on, like full on everything gone beaver situation. Because I. It was back in the day when I was called for that.

[Tig Notaro]

In your life.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know. I was. It was. I don't know if I was. I might have been in the closet still and I was trying to be more feminine and I was like, everybody else. All the other girls are doing it.

[Tig Notaro]

Trying to boys.

[Fortune Feimster]

I went to a place and they put the wax on and ripped the stuff. And someone's just staring at your cooter. It's. And I'm like, what am I. Who is this for? What am I doing? I think I was single. Like, no one's seeing this.

[Tig Notaro]

You were.

[Chelsea Peretti]

You didn't.

[May Martin]

Yeah. It wasn't in preparation.

[Tig Notaro]

You did it just for yourself.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I did it for myself. And then I was like, you know, it turns out I don't need this.

[May Martin]

You're right.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's painful, too.

[Tig Notaro]

Seems like it'd be real itchy in.

[Fortune Feimster]

The grow B. Yeah, later.

[Tig Notaro]

So were you itching your crotch?

[Fortune Feimster]

I was itching. Mcuch Moochieuchi.

[May Martin]

I miss, you know, guys. I really.

[Fortune Feimster]

I missed this, you know. Kate. Kate Maucci.

[Tig Notaro]

Kate Makuchi moved herself to New York City.

[May Martin]

That's where I am right now. Should I look her up?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, yeah, if you have a phone book near you. What do you mean, look her up?

[May Martin]

Let me get the old yellow pages out. Flip through to McCooch.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait. Oh, you have your show in New York?

[May Martin]

I had my show last night in New York. Yeah. I'm on. I'm on tour right now.

[Fortune Feimster]

How's it going?

[May Martin]

Well, I don't know. I mean, you guys, tour. I'm not a big tour, and it's crazy. I'm doing these music shows and a lot of handsome merch in the crowd. A lot of sweet, angelic, handsome fans shouting, keep it handsome. While I'm trying to be a serious.

[Fortune Feimster]

Musician, guys, I'm trying to get into the song.

[May Martin]

Yeah. It's been so insanely fun, though. It's. Thanks. I'm really. I'm digging it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Can I say something? Were you.

[May Martin]

Maybe later.

[Tig Notaro]

Were you up late last night?

[May Martin]

Yeah. How do you know that?

[Tig Notaro]

And I was going to say. Or have you, like, increased your deep voice Ness somehow?

[May Martin]

You know what? I noticed that, too. I think I am very tired. And I've also been singing a lot and using my voice. But why do it? Do I sound sexy?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, let's relax here. Of course.

[Fortune Feimster]

Always.

[Tig Notaro]

But, yeah, no, it just sounds like. I wasn't sure if it was the testosterone or what was going on.

[May Martin]

Yeah, it could be that. You know what's weird is, like, some of the songs that I recorded like a year ago, I can't hit those notes so much anymore. I'm, like, slightly changing the key when I play them live.

[Tig Notaro]

We sing well together. I can't ever hit the key, so.

[May Martin]

Really? Oh, yeah. We'd be freestyling.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, you'd be singing down here we're singing down here we're singing up here.

[Tig Notaro]

We'Re singing up here we're singing up. We're singing down here we're singing down here.

[Fortune Feimster]

I did see Cynthia Rivo and I. Well, she was like, okay.

[May Martin]

Oh, you did that at her?

[Fortune Feimster]

To her? Yes, of course.

[May Martin]

No, you saw her and you went.

[Fortune Feimster]

I said, cynthia.

[Tig Notaro]

And what was her response?

[Fortune Feimster]

She laughed. I mean, she laughed, but also, she probably got in the quite a bit first.

[May Martin]

I actually don't think she has. Probably. It's pretty wild.

[Tig Notaro]

It's Pretty bold.

[May Martin]

It's bold.

[Tig Notaro]

More and wild.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's bold.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

She was awesome, though. She sat and chatted with us for a while, but that is how I started the conversation.

[May Martin]

That's amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

And maybe next time you see her, you can be like, we're singing down here.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're singing up here.

[May Martin]

We're singing up here. I wish you guys were here in New York. I feel like we'd have a good time. I don't come here a lot, and it's so new. It's so New York. Like, I walked.

[Tig Notaro]

Really.

[May Martin]

Carnegie hall. And I would love to hang out.

[Fortune Feimster]

With you in New York.

[May Martin]

Yeah. We'd go out in the town.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe we can do a handsome show there at some point.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Why haven't we done. We should do that.

[Tig Notaro]

I told one of the cadets on Star Trek that I did Carnegie Hall. And she goes, what? You're not Liza Minnelli.

[May Martin]

That's the only person who can do Carnegie Hall.

[Tig Notaro]

That's what I said.

[May Martin]

Hey, that's a good.

[Tig Notaro]

Anyway, I thought that was such a funny response to, like, she did not believe me that I did Carnegie Hall. Did not believe me.

[May Martin]

To be honest, I didn't know you did.

[Fortune Feimster]

I didn't know you did.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, now you know. But do you believe me at least?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not suspicious about it at all.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're telling us.

[Tig Notaro]

But, yeah, I guess that's reserved for Liza Minnelli and not Tig Notaro.

[May Martin]

I passed a Benihana today, and I thought, I'm going to ask Tig and Fortune what a Benny Hana is.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh.

[Tig Notaro]

First of all, Thomas put it on the list. And it's so crazy you're bringing this up.

[Fortune Feimster]

Put it. Because I love a hibachi situation.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And we told Max and Finn we want to bring them to Benihana just the other day.

[Fortune Feimster]

Let's do it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I want to go.

[May Martin]

It's one of those words. It's like when I first moved to the States and, like Trader Joe's, I was like, what the hell is that? And I never. I've always heard the word. The phrase. Benny Han. Is it a phrase or.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it's the name of a. It's the name of a hibachi restaurant.

[May Martin]

What's hibachi? Like a grill.

[Fortune Feimster]

So it's Japanese, and you know that. Have you ever seen the. The guys with the big grill and the people are sitting around the grill and the guys are, like, doing the thing, and they're throwing.

[May Martin]

Chopping.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're chopping and they're they throw a shrimp, and you catch it, and everyone's like.

[Tig Notaro]

And then they cut through it in the air or whatever.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

Maybe I made that up. But they should cut through it.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's like rice and veggies and. And if. If you eat meat, steak, chicken, or shrimp or all of the above, and they make it in front of you and then put it on your plate and it's. One of my favorite meals is a hibachi steakhouse.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, somebody that makes TV shows. How are you not scooping us up and. And putting out. Put it on the list, Thomas. How is that not a TV show?

[Fortune Feimster]

How is it?

[Tig Notaro]

Come on.

[May Martin]

Wait, what do you mean? You want a TV show about us going to Benihana?

[Tig Notaro]

No, us doing all the list.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, doing the list.

[May Martin]

Yeah. You're so right. Why don't we pitch that?

[Fortune Feimster]

It's called put it on the list.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, Mike, we just pitched it. We will now receive offers. Go on Fortune. What is your favorite?

[Fortune Feimster]

My favorite hibachi steakhouse of all time is in Raleigh, North Carolina, and it's called Con Key.

[May Martin]

Con Key.

[Fortune Feimster]

Now, the trick is, you know, the. The steak and the veggies and the rice fairly healthy, but I like to make it unhealthy. They have something called shrimp sauce, which is, like. It looks like Thousand island, but it's not Thousand Island.

[Tig Notaro]

It's.

[Fortune Feimster]

But it's in that family, and you just. Shrimp sauce, you just dump it all over your food, and it's so good.

[May Martin]

Is it like blended shrimp?

[Fortune Feimster]

No. I don't know why it's called shrimp sauce, because I don't think shrimp goes in it.

[May Martin]

Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's so good. My hometown has a fast food hibachi restaurant, and it's, like, the light of my life.

[Tig Notaro]

This is.

[May Martin]

I'm hungry.

[Tig Notaro]

Look really happy talking about it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I really actually am. You can hire hibachi people to come to your house and do a private hibachi event.

[May Martin]

They bring their own kind of big metal table or whatever.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Oh, we're singing up here. I'm about to go to London tomorrow, and. And I'm going to see Debbie the hairdresser.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh. And you know what?

[May Martin]

I never thought I'd see you again. Oh, beginning to wonder.

[Tig Notaro]

You have me to think I reminded you to. To look her up, since you look people up in phone books.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I'm gonna get the yellow pages out, and I was gonna. I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, but she's. She's Ill or. So she's not available. So it's not. She's not gonna be the host. And I was so pumped to talk about how much we love her on the pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know. She gave us a handsome question.

[May Martin]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

So who's hosting?

[May Martin]

Andy Cohen is hosting.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, that'd be fun.

[May Martin]

I hope it'll be fun. I find him kind of intimidating. I think he's very funny. But, yeah, I'm going to. I don't know, I feel like I'm going to want to be charming or something.

[Tig Notaro]

You'll be great with your bad attitude and everything. Fall in place.

[May Martin]

Yeah, my usual bad attitude. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

A handsome listener said, I don't know. It was a couple weeks ago. Whenever Jon Hamm was on Andy Cohen's show, they always get a question from a person on Zoom. And they called him Ham. John Hamsum and said they got it from hearing our podcast. I didn't see it, but a listener said that.

[May Martin]

Wait, but did we say John Hampson Hamsum? We did, I guess.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait. They talked about it on a TV show on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Watch what Happens Live Andy Cohen show.

[May Martin]

Someone called him Johnson.

[Fortune Feimster]

They always take a. For each guest, they give a question. They have someone Zoom in an audience fan or whatever. Oh, and they asked that celebrity a question. And they asked him a question. But before they asked the question, they. They called him John Hampsome and said they got it from listening to the handsome pod.

[May Martin]

Do you guys remember anything we've ever said on this pod? I don't. I don't think.

[Tig Notaro]

No. And then what's worse is that we record a little bit in advance. And so then we don't. We really don't remember what we've said.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Except for Pineapple Apart will always be with us.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Ghost.

[May Martin]

Yeah, we know that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. There's some real meet and greets.

[May Martin]

I'm doing these meet and greets. And then people show up with really niche presence for me that, like, they know me so well from the pod, but I don't remember what I've said or how they. Like, someone came with a. She's like, here's a selenite crystal to put at the altar in the. In your backyard of the concrete cat. And I was like, people know me better than I know myself. Or other things too. Like really specific things from the pod. It's really nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

We do have on our Instagram page occasionally who said what? So we can go. There are times that our listeners can see what things we've said. We also had a handsome handbook for any New listeners that wanted to get caught up with some of our phrases and whatnot. The deep lore is there on our Instagram page.

[Tig Notaro]

This is very unrelated, but it goes back to Fluff getting nicked and buzzed. My office here at home. The office doors are glass, but they're like the frosted glass. At one point, Fluff did appear behind the frosted glass and then ran off. Now, a little while ago, and I meant to say it when it happened, but we are so far beyond it. But I still couldn't let it go.

[May Martin]

So you just saw an outline?

[Tig Notaro]

No, you just see kind of a black figure. And then she just bolted.

[May Martin]

Could have been a ghost.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it could have been a cat ghost. Are there cat ghosts?

[May Martin]

Great question.

[Tig Notaro]

Thank you.

[May Martin]

How come you never hear about animal ghosts? I have an image in my mind of some kind of dog ghost from some kid's cartoon. And it's wearing a little sheet or something.

[Tig Notaro]

Something.

[May Martin]

But aside from that.

[Tig Notaro]

Gosh, what am I talking about? Edie Burkel we've. I've told you about. Her sophomore album is called Ghost of a Dog.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Okay, so they're real.

[Tig Notaro]

You put it. You put it on your list to get that album. And I hope you have or will, because it is a masterpiece.

[May Martin]

I mean, I have these little notepads when we're recording, and I scribble down, like if you recommend a book or something. And then. But then this is what I like. Sometimes I just am scribbling weird stuff.

[Fortune Feimster]

Creature.

[May Martin]

I guess I doodle this woman with the boobs and boobies.

[Fortune Feimster]

She looks like someone who's looking for a good motorboating.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune Marie.

[Fortune Feimster]

Out here in the open motorboat, there are a million reasons why you love your cat. The companionship, their affection, even their independence and your security. And the knowledge that you are one of the few humans they can tolerate and may even love. The worst part? Dealing with their litter boxes. Stop scooping poop and upgrade your litter box situation with Litter Robot by whisker.

[Tig Notaro]

The citizens, or should I say Cadizens of Kitty City, have never been happier since we upgraded their municipal sewer system to the litter robot. The human inhabitants of our Meow Tropolis are delighted as well, since litter Robot means fewer accidents and less of that kitty litter rotor. Kitty City loves their litter robot and your cats will too.

[May Martin]

As a special offer to listeners of the show, go to StopScooping.com Handsome and use promo code HANDSOME to save an additional $50 on any litter robot bundle. That's $50 off any litter robot bundle at StopScooping.com HANDSOME and use promo code Handsome StopScooping.com HANDOME promo code HANDSOME who's planning a trip to Provincetown this year? BU in P Town, it's a beautiful mosaic of cultures where everyone is welcome. I love the Provincetown is so welcoming to everyone and embraces a kaleidoscope of folks. That's why I love Provincetown, Massachusetts. It's queer, it's quirky, you can be yourself and it's always a fabulous time.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm headed to Provincetown for a show on August 23rd and I couldn't be more thrilled. It may be hard to believe, but I've never actually been. But I've heard amazing things and I can't wait to check out all the P Town has to offer from dining to dancing, entertainment, hiking, biking, and best of all, beaches. You will find it all in Provincetown.

[Fortune Feimster]

From Boston, you just hop on a fast ferry for 90 minutes. The ferries run from mid May through mid October. It's all about freedom, sunshine, and the chance to be ourselves. So sashay your way to P towntourism.com the official guide to Provincetown. P towntourism.com Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, you know to check that you start cooking the rice early in the stir fry cooking process so you're not waiting for it to be done to eat dinner.

[May Martin]

Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate Savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. I should have you on the tour. Come out and I wish you guys were. If we were in the same city, then you guys should come out and.

[Fortune Feimster]

We'Re on a cruise. I was. I took my mom on a gay cruise.

[May Martin]

Okay, tell us about that.

[Tig Notaro]

She hooked up.

[Fortune Feimster]

Did we. Did she.

[Tig Notaro]

Did she hook up on the cruise? Did she find love she did not find.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, she found platonic love all over the ship for. We were on the ship for three and a half days.

[Tig Notaro]

Was it an Olivia cruise?

[Fortune Feimster]

One of those Atlantis. So gay men.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, it was all gay men.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was my mom and I in 2000. Gay men.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh my.

[Fortune Feimster]

How did you.

[Tig Notaro]

And you were performing on this?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, they asked me kind of last minute. It was like four days before. And. And I get. I get asked to do cruises a lot and I just can't. My schedule's too crazy. But my tour doesn't start till April. And I was like, well, I could. And. And Jackson said, like, you should take your mom on a cruise. Because I had talked about going on a cruise with her in my last special, and I was like, actually, that might be kind of fun. So I was like, hey, what are you doing? Do you have a. And she's like, yeah. And do you have a passport? Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And had you ever taken her on a cruise?

[Fortune Feimster]

I took. I took her on a cruise like 12 years ago, but we were in the same room, which is tough because you need a minute. She's trying to put a time together. And. And it was a Holland America cruise. And like, everyone was old and it was just. We were bored. And like, she was not bored. I was bored. But this cruise was Virgin now has cruises and it's like those like, cattle call type cruises where there's giant buffets and it's like eight restaurants. You just go eat like you do at a restaurant. It's like updated and modern and nice. It didn't feel gross and yucky. And all the guys, like, treated. My mom couldn't. My mom couldn't walk two feet without being stopped and told how wonderful she is and loved and she was in heaven.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Amazing.

[Fortune Feimster]

And. And you know, it's. It was, it was. It always, always gives appreciation for her as well. Because, you know, there's so many gay people, and I don't think our straight friends maybe realize this as much, but there are a number of gay people who are still closeted, disowned by their families when they come out. And especially there's a number of older gay men who, you know, haven't. Some of them haven't talked to their moms in 20 years. And so when they see. When they see my mom, you know, she gives them a hug because they'll tell her, like, my mom hasn't talked to me in 20 years. And she gives them a big hug and she's like, that's a mama hug for you. And. And she has men come up and tell her how much they appreciate her support and allyship. And she had a lovely man tell her that, like, his partners, like, he's like, my partner is the best guy I know. He has such a big heart. His family won't have anything to do with him because he's gay. And he started tearing up telling my mom. So, you know, she just symbolizes, like, any mom that supports their. Their gay or queer kid, like, it's just a symbol of, like, acceptance and love. And there's so many in our community who need them.

[May Martin]

Especially, like, a sort of a southern mom of, like. That is so nice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Imagine, though, if they took it too far, like, all the annoying things about parenting someone, like, if she started. I don't know. I can't think of anything funny.

[Tig Notaro]

You have ketchup on your face.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That type of, like, she started criticizing.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Or they started having big. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But, you know, feeding them all.

[May Martin]

Sorry.

[Tig Notaro]

When you said allyship, I just realized that's a good name for a breakfast. Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

There you go.

[Tig Notaro]

I did one cruise, I think, like, so long ago. And what really struck me about them is that on cruises is that a lot of people come from areas that they have to be closeted or, you know, very small or rural towns, and this is a way for them to find and connect with their community.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

It's pretty incredible.

[May Martin]

I always feel like the. Because I watched that show below deck. I feel like the staff on a cruise ship must have a fund. There must be a lot of interpersonal dynamics.

[Tig Notaro]

And, like, have you ever seen Love Boat?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Is that what that's about? The staff on a cruise?

[Fortune Feimster]

Everybody's in a little boat.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah.

[May Martin]

I could picture us working a cruise ship in our. In a little captain's hat, maybe. Tig, you got a captain's hat.

[Fortune Feimster]

What if. What if at some point, the handsome pod, you know, you can, like, throw your own cruises?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Like Backstreet Boys does one of Handsome.

[Tig Notaro]

F throws a cruise at some point.

[Fortune Feimster]

We got to do it on one of these ships, though.

[May Martin]

Well. Oh, one of the nice ones. See, I. I think I have a. I'm too scared.

[Fortune Feimster]

I. Oh, you don't want to be on a ship.

[May Martin]

That movie Poseidon, like, I just feel like a rogue wave is going to come, and then we're going to be fighting for that bubble of air that's in the one.

[Tig Notaro]

But how fun to get in one of the little yellow rafts and, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know, how fun.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Just paddle back home. Now, here's my question about the ships these days. Are people walking around in masks at all?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, no, no. There was, like, I saw maybe two masks, the whole.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I just remember, you know, when Covid happened.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

People are like, oh, cruises are gonna.

[Fortune Feimster]

Go away when Covet happens, you know, you don't want to be on a cruise, that's for sure.

[Tig Notaro]

I was actually booked on a cruise that was going to be my second crew. Yeah. Melissa E. Hosting a cruise. I was booked to perform on her cruise.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, man. And then it never happened.

[Tig Notaro]

We know. We kept holding out, holding out. And then it reached a point. I was like, I'm out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then they canceled the cruise. And I don't know what the order of events were.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't want to make it sound like Melissa was like, we must continue to cruise, but.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it gave me a renewed sense of cruising.

[Tig Notaro]

Huh.

[Fortune Feimster]

I like. I like cruising. It was a fun. It was a fun escape, you know, just because all the men on the ship were so happy and.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Dancing and fun and it just was like, there's no drama, just lightness.

[Tig Notaro]

Just like no drama with 2000 gay guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

No drama. They don't. They. They don't be sweating stuff on that boat.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow. That is hugging and talking.

[Fortune Feimster]

Everyone's hugging and tugging.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that a saying? Is that a saying?

[Fortune Feimster]

I just said it.

[May Martin]

If you just thought of that of your own accord, that's really good.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I. The word tug's been on my mind because the. On the side of the ship, it said no tug. And so I would joke with my mom, no tugging on the ship because.

[Tig Notaro]

It'S a full blown tugboat.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I just. But I just thought of hugging and tugging.

[Tig Notaro]

That's real good. Good.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thank you.

[May Martin]

Solid.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. But when you're on a boat with. And there was some really good looking guys too, I was like, yeah, this is like, if you were a gay man, you better get on this cruise, cuz.

[Tig Notaro]

Did it make you want to wax your crotch?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I went straight to that spa on the ship.

[Tig Notaro]

Said, get her done, get her done, get her done.

[Fortune Feimster]

I never want to get. I never want that experience again.

[Tig Notaro]

You know what? Put it on the list anyway. Thomas, should we get to our question?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, let's do today's question. Asker is a standup comedian, actress and writer who played Gina Linetti on the hit comedy series Brooklyn Nine Nine. She's written for shows like Parks and Rec, Saturday Night Live, the Kroll show, and she wrote and directed and starred in the film First Time female director. She also hosts the podcast Call Chelsea Peretti. Chelsea Peretti is asking today's question.

[E]

Okay. Hey, handsome Podcast. I'm Chelsea Peretti. I have a question for you, which is to what lengths have you gone to nail an audition historically? Have you dressed up in costumes? Have you used props? Have you pantomimed? Has your audition process changed over time? Are you offer only? Etc.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, thanks.

[May Martin]

I really love the position of her hands. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

She seems like a very serious lecturer.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

I'm a Deep Chelsea fan and I listened to that pod and I did when it first started too, and it blew my mind.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's so funny. She's just so unique in her perspective. Funny.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And her husband, Jordan Peels, obviously a amazing filmmaker and comedian. That's a lot of talent in one family.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Seriously.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. And their son is a real talent, I'm sure. I'm just assuming he's got, you know, a book deal.

[Fortune Feimster]

He's like, yeah, I hate the biz.

[Tig Notaro]

Stop talking out of the biz.

[May Martin]

Are you guys good at auditioning?

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. I'm amazing.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm so. I'm. I've gotten better just out of necessity, but I'm not great.

[May Martin]

Yes. Same.

[Fortune Feimster]

Most of the stuff I've done on movies and TVs were offer only. Whoa. The things that I've tried for. I'm not gone. That's.

[May Martin]

I'm similar. Like the more I want something, the worse I do. And the like, I. I get really nervous. But then self. Tapes are easier. Like when you send in a tape or something. Did you guys know the story about, you know, the actor from. She played the Replicant in Blade Runner. Like the beautiful Replicant. And she's been in tons of stuff and she kind of disappeared in the 80s. She was huge. Anyway, she really wanted to play Catwoman in the. Tim Burton. In the Tim Burton Batman. And so she hid in his trailer dressed like Catwoman. And when he went in, she pounced on him and had to be removed.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow. Was she freshly shaved?

[May Martin]

She probably was nicked and shaved and nicked.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is definitely not a way to get hired. No director and being hauled off by security.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, that is noted.

[Fortune Feimster]

I. I don't have. I don't think I've even. I've heard of people doing some nutty stuff. It doesn't even occur to me to do anything outside of the box.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know what I mean?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Because I feel like. And maybe all of us have been on the other side of it where we're casting people or we're looking at tapes and things and you just know that it's often within a second, you know, and it's not even to do with the. It's just what you have in your head. And it could be so intangible. Like it could be their voice or the way they like. It's not going to make a difference if they're wearing cat ears, you know?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Nothing at all. Yeah. You could have pigtails and just chocolate on your face. And people, if they know you're the one. You're the one.

[May Martin]

I feel like you'd be good at auditions because you don't radiate desperation. I've never seen you radiate desperation. Maybe you do sometimes, but I've never seen it. And I feel like you could just go in and if you, you know, if you're calm, you act like you don't need it. That's when you. That's when you get it.

[Tig Notaro]

The first time I auditioned for something, I was an assistant at the director Sam Raimi's company.

[May Martin]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

He brought me in to audition for a role in Spider Man. We worked at Universal Studios, which was, you know, in the Valley. And his. The casting was at Sony Pictures, and it was at like 4 or 5 o'clock in the afternoon. And they let me off work to go to Sam's to the casting session at Sony. And if you know la, that's a hell ride at that hour to get from Universal to Sony at that hour. And so I was an assistant. I was let off work. I go out there and I didn't even know what sides were. Sides are like just, you know, they were like, oh, here are your sides. And I was like, right.

[May Martin]

Like the scene you're auditioning with, it's.

[Tig Notaro]

Just the scene that they pulled from the script that you're in. I was like, okay, I learned that. And then I went in and I was so uncomfortable and nervous. I was shaking and sweating, fumbling through my lines. I was like 28 years old or something. And they just were like, okay, thank you. And then I got in my car and I had to go back to work in the Valley. And I was driving back to Universal going, what in the hell did I just do? I just drove over an hour to shake and sweat on camera in front of my boss. Like, he wasn't in the room, but he, you know, he's gonna see the tape. Maybe they didn't even send it to him, I'm sure. And then I got back in the car minutes later and drove back. And then years later, I was doing a movie with Octavia Spencer and we were talking about. She mentioned how she. Her kind of first big thing that she got was this role on Spider man in the Spider man movie. And it was that role.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Not only that, and the role is. She's the one standing outside of the wrestling rink checking the different characters in before.

[May Martin]

I think I know that role.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's Octavia's like, I also auditioned for that.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you? Oh, you didn't so Octavia's like, yeah, that I got that role when I I was like, oh my God. I audition. I worked for Sam Raimi when I first moved to la and she was like, yeah. She said I was the casting assistant for that movie.

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

And they let me. And they let me audition. And she said, and honestly, I think I remember them flaggin that this was the assistant from Sam's office. And I was unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[May Martin]

And they gave her the part.

[Tig Notaro]

She got the part and she has the Oscar for. You know, she's. Of course, you're very similar. Yes. Yeah. Do we go with Tib or Octavia?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

I had organ this morning before I pumped iron and exercised and I absolutely love how it tastes. It's part of my daily routine and I can feel the difference in my energy levels and my recovery time whenever I use it.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

Plus, Thrive Market's Smart cart feature takes the guesswork out of healthy shopping. When you create an account, they ask about your family's needs and automatically build a cart full of cleaner versions of your favorite brands. I've been Loving Banza's Chickpea spaghetti pasta, for example.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

That moved to LA to be an actor, so I think once I got my bearings in stand up and I. And that kind of built my confidence in a very different new way. Yeah, it just, I think over the years. Yeah.

[May Martin]

Scary.

[Tig Notaro]

And not because I'm. I think I'm great at acting, but I am mostly offer only because I.

[May Martin]

People know what you do. They know they want Tig Notaro. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. It's like I. Whenever I always make the joke that when a director is walking towards me on set to give me a note, I always stop them and say, before you say anything, I have no range, but go ahead, what were you gonna say?

[May Martin]

Yeah, I'm the same. Like, I've done only a handful of, like, proper auditions where you wait in line and you go. And they call your name and you go in and. And I'm so scared. But when I was a kid, like, Maybe I was 10 or 11, and I auditioned for Oliver Twist, the musical, to play the Artful Dodger. I sure have told this, but, yeah, to play the Artful Dodger. And I. I dressed up in tartan trousers, little waistcoat, and I went in and it was a bunch of boys, but I had short hair. And I just think I had to learn this whole song and sing with the pianist. Consider yourself well in. Consider yourself one of the family like that. I was so invested in this fantasy of getting that part. And it was at, like, a West End theater in Toronto, and my parents had, like, let me answer this cattle call. And I got down to the final two, and then I had to go to summer camp. And I just thought, any minute now, they're gonna come and take me out of camp and be like, kid, you're a star.

[Tig Notaro]

You got what it takes.

[May Martin]

Yeah. And obviously a boy got it.

[Tig Notaro]

And you were singing up here. You were singing up.

[May Martin]

Singing up here.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah. But I was radiating desp. That's. It's so scary.

[Fortune Feimster]

When I was a kid, I guess I had always sort of had some interest in the biz, though it was so far removed from me for the most part. But I remember when I was, like, 10, they did a open casting. It was like a Nickelodeon show. I can't remember. It was like, wet and wild or something. It was. I don't remember. I don't remember the name. It was, like, where kids did all this stuff outside where like. Like games, you know, or, like, going network. Like, there's water and stuff. I don't. Yeah. And so they had it at the mall where kids could, like, wait in line. And then they brought you into a room, like, 20 kids at a time. And a producer basically is just like, what kid looks like good on would look cool and fun on tv. And so I dragged my dad to the mall in Charlotte. I was like, we gotta go. I gotta be on this show. And I him take me to McDonald's before we. Before we went in there. And I had grape jelly, like, running down my shirt. And I was ginormous. I was like this fat, fat kid. And I'm.

[May Martin]

I'm picturing you in a bonnet. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm just waiting. I mean, we waited for, like, four hours to finally get in this room. And I'm like, like, waiting with all these kids to be like, come on, man. Don't you want me on a show? And he's like, looking around, looking around and he sees me and he goes, no.

[May Martin]

What do he. No, he actually went.

[Fortune Feimster]

He, like, did that.

[May Martin]

He needs to go to hell with Satan. He needs Satan in hell.

[Tig Notaro]

Thing I've ever heard, and I heard really terrible things in my life.

[Fortune Feimster]

I. I had not. I had not reached my peak yet. I had not to the swan. I am now. It made me laugh. And guess what? I made my dad go back the next day. And he goes, come on. So clearly my skin was very thick because I was like, let's. Like, I'm gonna need to go back.

[Tig Notaro]

That is a great ending to that story because I am outraged. I cannot imagine anybody, can you?

[Fortune Feimster]

Anybody.

[May Martin]

Dark your soul has to be to be like, I. For my job, I'm gonna make kids line up and they're all gonna be nervous, and then I'm gonna put them down. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Also, what you describe about baby fortune, I would be all eyes on you. I'd be like, here's our star.

[Fortune Feimster]

So, yeah, though I was so fat and just had jelly running on my shirt and whatever.

[Tig Notaro]

That's what we're looking for.

[Fortune Feimster]

But I don't think in the moment I realized what had happened. Clearly, it was years later that I was like, wait a second. Years later, it struck you that was pure confidence at 10. Like, yeah, man. He probably just, like, was a batting of mosquito away.

[May Martin]

That's really funny.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, that. So that was My first tryout and.

[Tig Notaro]

You sound like somebody's parent. Are you gonna try out for the.

[Fortune Feimster]

Show for the television program?

[May Martin]

I, I've never, you know, in, in movie or TV shows about high schools and stuff, there's always like, they post the cast list in the hallway and everybody crowds around the list to be like, did I make it in the big show? I. I don't know.

[Fortune Feimster]

I never had, never experienced that. The closest I ever had of that was auditioning for theater in college. And. But you were like, kind of. I think you, I think you read out loud who the parts were. So you got to just be like the sitting in sadness if you didn't get the part you wanted.

[May Martin]

Oh God. Have you ever had a chemistry read? Like, I've had to audition people to play my, my girlfriend and feel good. I, I auditioned. Yeah. A handful of people. I think we, we knew we wanted Charlotte Richie to, to do it, but we, we. Yeah. That's really embarrassing for. Because these, I mean, they weren't embarrassed or nervous at all. They were professional actors and very cool. But it just felt so lame to be like, do you have chemistry with me? Can you, can you make it seem like you love me? Me?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I mean, Stephanie had to kind of prove that we had chemistry on One Mississippi. Seriously, My old show.

[Fortune Feimster]

Did you?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, no, but we're pushing through. But I remember also when, when Sarah Silverman was casting this pilot for NBC, she had a character named Tig. And you know, it was me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But the studio and the network were not sold on me. And so I had to go in and audition to play myself. And I had a full on out of body experience where it was just me and Sarah doing this scene. And you know, before we walked in, she was like, you know, just. It's just us and our normal dynamic. And I mean, this was like 2011 or something. And I was like, okay, okay. And then it's just like everyone from the studio, everyone from the network, all the casting, the director, you know, everybody's just sitting there just staring at us. And I was like, oh God. Like, I didn't want to let her down. I mean, I of course wanted the role, but like, like, I really did not want to let her down.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And I, I reached this point where I just pulled the mic off of my shirt and I was like, I gotta, I gotta get out of here. And I just like walked out of the room. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And.

[Tig Notaro]

And Sarah followed me out and she was just like. I remember she did this for me a few times. Like on the Sarah Silverman program and on this pilot that her pilot didn't get picked up. But it was moments where I just. I would be like, what am I doing? I'm not an actor, you know, Like, I'm. I'm a stand up. I. I felt so out of place, and I. I didn't want to promise more than I could deliver. And. But she would always say to me, when I would be in that kind of head space, she'd be like, you know, let's just do. Let's just do your worst take right now. Let's just do the worst you could possibly do do. And I'd be like, okay. And it worked on me every time. I'd be like, it took the pressure off. And I was like, you want the worst? Okay. And then, boom, Tig appeared.

[May Martin]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love that. I had the most Hollywood audition of my life.

[Tig Notaro]

Congrats.

[Fortune Feimster]

This was about, like, 2010. And it was. It was for a. I don't remember, maybe CBS pilot or something. And I went through the audition process where I was. I kept getting to the next round and the next round. And then you finally get to the point where they ask you to test or not. And when you test, you have to sign a contract ahead of time.

[Tig Notaro]

And then the network test means a.

[Fortune Feimster]

Test means it's a final audition. It's usually you and, like, two other people. And y'all are the final people down for this role. And if they pick you, you've already signed a contract, it's already ready to go. So there's a lot of pressure once you get to that point. And I got to the point where they wanted me to test, but I was working at. At Chelsea lately, and I was like, I don't know if I want to. Like, I'm happy here, and I don't think I want to go down this road. And so I. I basically was like, oh, tell them. Because this kind of came right before I got Chelsea. And then they all sort of converged at the same time, and I was like, oh, tell them. I don't. I don't actually want to. I don't want to test anymore. And the. The star's agent, like, called and was like, what is she doing? What do you mean? She doesn't want to test? If she's. She's got to get. This is her part. She's going to be a star, and she's just going to turn that down. I mean, this is like, you know, you hear these kind of stories about, like, people, like, having these crazy Asians.

[Tig Notaro]

They're real.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I'm like. And so I. They called me, and they're like, he's flipping out, and the casting's flipping out. And then I'm like. So then I'm like, I guess I don't really want to do this, but felt pressure. Like, I was young, and I was.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, he's like, get down here and put some jelly on your shirt.

[Fortune Feimster]

And. But he's like, this is hers. We already know. We. She's gonna be a star. Like, all these things. And I'm like, oh, okay.

[Tig Notaro]

I guess.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sure. But I still knew it wasn't right.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And so I auditioned, I tested and didn't get it, of course. And I was like, wait, hey, you told me I was gonna be a star. And then, like, I never heard from him or any of those people again. And like, this is so Hollywood.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. That just reminded me of something I was doing stand up in New York City, and this woman came up to me after the show, and she was like, oh, my God. I was laughing so hard, I fell out of my chair. She was like, I am a casting director, and you have to come down. It was, like, this huge casting place where you. Every different room, there's, like, somebody. They're casting commercials and Broadway and TV and film, and, like. And she and I show up, and it's like all these people waiting in the. In the lobby to be called in for their auditions. And I went in and I checked in. They were like, oh, Tig Notaro's here. And they went and got the woman. Like, I bypassed everything, you know? And she brought me in, and she. She was showing me around and taking me room to room to show me all the different types of auditions and people that she was introducing me to. She was. They were like, oh, we heard all about you and how funny you are. Like, this woman had told everyone about me. And then she goes, you know what? Since you're here, do you want to just go in and audition for a commercial? And I was like, sure. And so I go in.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

And she's sitting there, and the casting guy is like, all right, so you're a mom, and you're taking your family in a minivan to Disneyland, and you're surprising them. So, you know, like, let's really surprise the kids. You're going to Disneyland. And I was like, hey, kids. I was so uncomfortable.

[May Martin]

Like, hey, kids, it's me. Take.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it's like, hey, kids, hop in the van. We're going to Disneyland. And they're like, okay, okay. But he was like, okay, but, like, really excited. Like, you have great. This went on and on. And I was. I mean, he got me up to maybe, hey, kids, get in the van. We're going to do, like. It was so terribly uncomfortable. And I left and she never responded to me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, no.

[Tig Notaro]

She made such a spectacle out of me. I remember her name, I think, was Stacy something. Casting director in New York. If you are out there, if you're listening, Stacy. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're just gonna give up on our girl Tig. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You're gonna treat me like I got jelly on my shirt. Yeah, it's. It's so. It's like, tig's here. You know, it was. I think the next time I was in New York, I, like, reached out to her and never, ever, ever responded to me. Yeah.

[May Martin]

When me and my friend wrote Feel Good and we had a part for him and he was the co writer of the whole show, and everyone was like, yeah, great. It's this little part. And then we kept being like, so when can. When can Joe tape for that part? Or, like, is he just gonna get the part? Or, you know, he's like, I'm happy to tape for it, but, you know. Yeah, he's the co writer. Like, we want him. And he's acted before. And then one of the producers sent an email and she accidentally cc'd Joe and I on the email. No, she hadn't deleted, like, the thread of all the emails where she was saying to the casting director and the other producers, how are we going to tell Joe that we. We don't want him to play this part? Guys, we have to be delicate about this. We got it. We gotta tell him in a nice way. We were like, guys, we. We got that email.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Got the news, message received. What if that was her plan all along long? What to. To.

[May Martin]

Oh, to make us that way.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Imagine if I started doing that on our handsome email threads, just not deleting me being like, guys, I want out. How am I gonna tell these guys over?

[Fortune Feimster]

Now, I did have one commerce commercial audition that I went to way back in the day, and I had on these pants. I had on, like, these loose pants. I'm not sure. And I was standing there, just got in the audition room, and I looked down and a pair of my underwear is hanging out of my pants, the bottom of my pants. So I had to put on, like, I guess I had had my underwear from the day before, and somehow. And then when I got into the room, half my dirty, dirty underwear is hanging out of my family just with the period. I just, like, reached down real quick and grabbed it and, like, shoved it in my pocket.

[May Martin]

They think it was method or something.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, yeah. Let's hear what Chelsea has to say.

[E]

Hey, guys. So for me, I'm actually dressed up right now putting myself on tape for something. I don't normally put my hair into a braid or anything because I feel I need voluminous hair to look appealing. But today I did go ahead and do that because it's very greasy due to taking a lot of baths, and I don't want wash my hair in the bath anyhow. I audition very infrequently, and when I do, I do try to dress the part. Just drop my glasses.

[May Martin]

Let me read through this.

[Fortune Feimster]

That was the joke.

[May Martin]

Oh, that's really good.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's really good. Classic, classic Paretti. Classic, classic Paretti.

[Tig Notaro]

That's her next podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

She was like, I did another one where I, like, answered it for real, but I thought that was funnier.

[May Martin]

Yeah, that is very funny.

[Tig Notaro]

She was a silly, silly gal.

[Fortune Feimster]

Silly gal.

[May Martin]

Dress in the part.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know the outfits of anything or any of these auditions are so ridiculous. I just started just wearing a black shirt and everything. The hardest of is I had to audition for to play someone's mother shirt recently, which was like. I was like, oh, how did I get here? And I was trying to find any shirt in my closet that resembled a blouse, and it was so hard.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. Just even that word. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I ended up with just a regular T shirt, but it was, like, pink. I was like, this will do.

[Tig Notaro]

I have a theory that if a woman refers to a shirt as a blouse, blouse, or a top, they're straight.

[May Martin]

That is so true.

[Fortune Feimster]

And this is my girlfriends, but it's actual friends.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. I went shopping with my girlfriends, and we bought new blouses. It's like, okay. Straight as an arrow.

[May Martin]

That's really funny.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Well, I mean, what a podcast. What a podcast. Yeah. And if anybody cares, my birthday is March 24th, so we care.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right around the corner.

[Tig Notaro]

It sure is. So be thinking about what you want to get me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

And I will be 54 years old. I am one year away from being able to move into a retirement community.

[Fortune Feimster]

Congratulations.

[May Martin]

Have you picked the place yet?

[Tig Notaro]

You know, I did. My old assistant, his parents lived in a, like, a retirement community in Florida, and he was like, hey, when we're in Florida. We. My parents aren't at their vacation home. We could go stay there. And I was thinking, like, oh, boy, you know, what's this gonna be like? I loved it so much.

[May Martin]

And I loved it so much.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like a retirement village.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. I told Steph, I called her. I was like, if I sneeze, you can, like, lock me up in the retirement community. I mean, I like the golf cart in this community. Look, we all know I'm not a big booze hound, but I love the idea and the vibe at. Every day at 5 o'clock, everyone gets in their golf cart, drive around the community and drink their drinks and honk and wave at each other.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

Every day.

[Tig Notaro]

And they blare their music. Whatever music they're into, whether it's Liza Minnelli or, you know, whoever. And they're just driving around waving at each other. I mean, and then. And then the. Then there's like a little restaurant by the pool, and I'm. I'm. Pickleball courts. That was the first time I'd heard about pickleball. Oh, my God. But I was like, yeah, I'm ready to go. I mean, completely good. Completely.

[May Martin]

Really nice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I mean, look, I like my life, but I, I. If it comes to that, I will not be bummed.

[Fortune Feimster]

Good to know.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know why I said if it comes to that. Like, it's not like, it's not like I'm in. You're gonna lock me up in a care center somewhere. It's not a care center. It's just honking on a golf cart with a virgin daiquiri in my hand. But if it does come to that, that just know I am.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're. You're just fine.

[Tig Notaro]

I am so happy.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, good.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And please come visit.

[May Martin]

I was picturing Max and Finn coming to visit you, and then. And then I pictured them as adult redhead men coming to. You're going to have these two adult.

[Tig Notaro]

Men, and they're gigantic. I've done everything in my power to avoid living with a man. And we're going to have two gigantic. They are so huge. Huge. And it's like they already eat everything in sight. They have dinner, and then before bed, they want another dinner. And we're truly like guys. We have to get this narrowed down to one dinner. Okay? It's so insane. They just eat everything, and they're just.

[May Martin]

He.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, when I hug Max, I'm like, oh, my God, he could snap me in two. And he doesn't.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God, he doesn't. They're not even tins yet.

[Tig Notaro]

They'll be nine in June.

[May Martin]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not joking. He could kick my ass. But that's also not a hard thing to do. Hello, Biggie. Biggie's the love of my life. The love of my life.

[Fortune Feimster]

And he, he, he's had his bath and his robe.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, Biggie, that is just a perfect creation. Biggie, come visit me at the, at the retirement at the Villages.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, well, don't forget to get a live stream ticket to our show in Austin April 12th. That show is sold out, but you can live stream it from anywhere. And that link is good for a week, so make sure you do that and have a handsome party if you want. And a good gay ass time.

[May Martin]

Yeah. What did you say? Hugging and tugging.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, go hugging and tugging.

[Tig Notaro]

Also, the movie that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, that won the Sundance Film Festival this year. It is such a beautiful film. It's going to be. It was just at the Boulder International Film Festival. It's going to be at the Cleveland International film festival on April 2nd. There's plenty more dates for festivals coming up that will be announced soon. I will also be in eureka Springs, Arkansas June 14th and then I will also be in Provincetown August 23rd. You know, check my website always tignotaro.com and yeah, that's what I'm up to.

[May Martin]

What about you, Fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

My tour kicks off April 4th in Savannah, Georgia. Nice. Going to after that to Charleston, South Carolina and Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Columbus, Ohio, Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Moore, Pittsburgh. So those tickets are on my website.

[May Martin]

FortuneFreeFeemster.com well, I'm not touring but my album is out. My Earnest music album and I'm loving people are sharing it and tagging me in in vids. It all and it all helps. It's on Spotify. It's called I'm a TV and I'm at Largo end of March and that'll be all on my social media and stuff.

[Tig Notaro]

Make sure to tell your friends about the podcast. Share an episode. Mr. Thomas was telling us that the Anna Kendrick episode is wildly popular. So share that so people can get a taste of our nonsense. And until next time, I mean all you can really do ever is keep it. Keep it Handsome. We're singing up here.

[May Martin]

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Wood Gillette. Email [e-mail] and please follow us on social media at Handsome Pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a podcast.

[May Martin]

Podcast. What a podcast. That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking all state first.

[May Martin]

Like, you know, to check and make sure you know the difference between crocodiles and alligators before going on that big safari. You want to sound well informed.

[Fortune Feimster]

Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate Savings. Vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hello and welcome.

[May Martin]

Or, hi, my name is Cole.

[Chelsea Peretti]

My name is Andrew. We host a podcast called Podcast But Outside, where Cole and I set up a table on the sidewalk and talk to strangers who are walking by.

[Fortune Feimster]

We have a sign on our table that says, hi.

[May Martin]

Be a guest on our podcast and.

[Chelsea Peretti]

We will pay you $1.00. We are the only ethical podcast. We're the only podcast that pays. We have really interesting conversations with really fun folks.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like who?

[Chelsea Peretti]

Like Marilyn.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[May Martin]

And I was somebody else's wife for.

[Chelsea Peretti]

A while, but the second one worked.

[May Martin]

Out well until he died.

[Chelsea Peretti]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[May Martin]

It turned out he had a double life.

[Tig Notaro]

What?

[Fortune Feimster]

What was the second?

[May Martin]

He was a crack addict.

[Fortune Feimster]

What? Wait, how do you hide it?

[May Martin]

Hold on.

[Fortune Feimster]

How do you hide. I don't.

[May Martin]

He was a nice old Jewish guy.

[Chelsea Peretti]

How did he get addicted to crack?

[May Martin]

He started smoking it.

[Chelsea Peretti]

I know, but I just. I'm just trying to.

[May Martin]

I know.

[Chelsea Peretti]

That was a good clip.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hey, thank you.

[Chelsea Peretti]

And sometimes we even have celebrity friends of ours helping us to interview these random people off the street.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like who?

[Chelsea Peretti]

Like Jon Hamm, Adam Scott, Nick Kroll, and Atsuko Okatsuka.

[Tig Notaro]

So please subscribe to Podcast but outside.

[Chelsea Peretti]

On YouTube and podcast apps and then have a good time.