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Mae Martin
This is a Headgun podcast.
Tig Notaro
Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you packed a backup book to read if you're almost finished with your current one major crisis. I finished my book on the first day of my trip. Hope the hotel has a gift shop.
Allstate Ad Voice
Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.
Fortune Feimster
Hacks is back for its fifth and final season and so is the Hacks Podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writers room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season.
Tig Notaro
Watch Hacks streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to the Hacks podcast on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts.
Mae Martin
Friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm one of your hosts, Mae Martin, joined by two very handsome people as well.
Tig Notaro
Tig Notaro, unfortunate Feemster.
Mae Martin
Hi, guys.
Tig Notaro
Welcome back. I feel like it's been a beat.
Mae Martin
I feel like that's been a beat.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. And May doesn't have a bus in the background or traffic going by. What is going on? Where are you?
Fortune Feimster
How is a possible microphone?
Mae Martin
I got my proper mic, got my proper headphones because. And I got a hotel room just to do the pod because the WI fi is so bad. Like on the bus and it's been so chaotic. So I feel good.
Allstate Ad Voice
I did a couple push ups. I had a shower.
Fortune Feimster
I was about to say the shower part is going to be nice.
Mae Martin
Oh, yeah, it's nice.
Fortune Feimster
That's worth it right there. The WI fi and the shower.
Mae Martin
The bus driver said, don't shower when the bus is moving. You'll find it scary. And I was like, I'm fine. And then I was in the shower and he started and it was like, oh, I got my razor in there. I'm trying to shave. No, you're like.
Fortune Feimster
He was right.
Tig Notaro
What do you shave?
Mae Martin
I knew you were gonna. As soon as I said razor, I thought, oh, no. I walked into that.
Allstate Ad Voice
Well, you know, I've.
Mae Martin
I started shaving my legs again just for fun.
Tig Notaro
And it's. It's been a good time.
Mae Martin
It's been a blast.
Tig Notaro
Okay, could we see A shaven leg? Well, yeah, at the moment I'm in the mood.
Allstate Ad Voice
Like I didn't shave in this shower,
Mae Martin
so they're, they're pretty prickly.
Tig Notaro
But like, oh, that is a good looking shaved leg. Hot off the YouTube.
Mae Martin
I like how it feels in the sheets. You know, I like that we're, we're all wearing black.
Fortune Feimster
We look like it feels in the sheets too. Whatever it is.
Tig Notaro
It is a shaved leg.
Mae Martin
A smooth.
Fortune Feimster
Anything in this sheet is fine.
Mae Martin
Right? Yeah, true.
Tig Notaro
Now I can't remember. May, do you have Harry pits?
Mae Martin
No, I don't.
Tig Notaro
You shave that too?
Mae Martin
Yeah, I can't do it. It's so when it grow. Listen, no judgment to anyone. Where it's growing, like out. Like out out. You know, I can't do that. But what about you guys?
Tig Notaro
So you're saying like rather than the hair that grows out and then hangs down?
Mae Martin
Yeah, like I think if it's long enough to be draping, that's fine. But it's when it really grows out. Out. But wait, what about your pits and legs? Please, both of you.
Fortune Feimster
I shave.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, I'm a pretty little lady. Top to bottom. I am just no armpit hair. No. Yeah. I even shave my mustache.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
Do you use like a razor or one of those little dermaplanar blades? I've sometimes done that on my face.
Tig Notaro
Well, I don't really shave my mustache.
Mae Martin
Oh, I do. Because the testosterone, I think, makes me grow.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, yeah, right. That makes sense.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
I shave my armpits, I shave my legs. I like. I like a smooth. I like to be smooth.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Feels good in the bed.
Mae Martin
Feels good in the sheets. Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Anytime I armpits get unruly. Yeah. It feels. I'm like h. I want to. I don't know, something about shaving, it makes it feel like. Like how people say a hair holds energy in your head.
Mae Martin
Wait, do they?
Tig Notaro
Yeah, they haven't told me that. Or may, I mean.
Fortune Feimster
Woo.
Mae Martin
Woo.
Fortune Feimster
People believe that your hair holds on to energy so that when you get it trimmed, you're like letting. Shedding some of that.
Mae Martin
That feels right.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. But you know, not everyone believes that. But I can see, I can see that.
Mae Martin
I believe it now for the rest of my life. All you have to do is say it.
Tig Notaro
I just got a haircut and I didn't experience that.
Fortune Feimster
You don't feel lighter emotionally?
Tig Notaro
Sure.
Fortune Feimster
I always feel lighter after a haircut.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, well, I guess technically you are. You know, if you were to weigh in.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Probably be a little bit lighter.
Fortune Feimster
A shedding of sorts.
Mae Martin
You do look sharp. We all. We all look like we're. I don't know, in. In a. In the jets or like. Like, we're all in black.
Fortune Feimster
We are cool as hell.
Tig Notaro
It's like we're a street gang or something that nobody's scared of
Fortune Feimster
us.
Mae Martin
If we descended on someone in an
Fortune Feimster
alley or like, hey, it'd be more like west side Story.
Tig Notaro
And that would be your gang voice.
Fortune Feimster
Hey, hey. Hey. Hey, you.
Mae Martin
Hey, guys.
Tig Notaro
What's your gang voice?
Fortune Feimster
What are you doing around these parts?
Tig Notaro
Fortune.
Fortune Feimster
That's it. I think my gang voice would be like, what's up?
Mae Martin
You.
Fortune Feimster
You lost?
Mae Martin
Oh, that's good.
Fortune Feimster
And then I would give it.
Tig Notaro
Terrifying.
Fortune Feimster
And then I would give them directions.
Tig Notaro
To where?
Fortune Feimster
Wherever they need to be.
Tig Notaro
Oh, so you're a helpful gang.
Fortune Feimster
I. Yes, I am.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. This is a helpful gang.
Mae Martin
Yeah, of course.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
I don't talk. My. My gang character doesn't talk. My gang character just has crossed arms and just nods like, yeah, What?
Fortune Feimster
They said like, the Get Along Gang.
Mae Martin
That's kind of like my. My part in Fortune's golf show with Will Ferrell. I did a lot of stand. Standing with my arms crossed, nodding.
Ike Barinholtz
Yeah.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
I was like, yeah, right. That's coming out in the summer already, you know? I know.
Tig Notaro
That's exciting. What is that on Netflix? That's so exciting.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. And what's it called? The Hawk.
Tig Notaro
The Hawk, right.
Fortune Feimster
You said that Will's going to be hosting snl. Oh, really? So that'll be cool.
Mae Martin
Do you get to go?
Fortune Feimster
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go watch them because I'm. I have a show in Reading, Pennsylvania, the night before. So I'll just go back into Philly, take the train up to New York. Easy peasy.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Lemon squeezy.
Mae Martin
Lemon squeeze.
Fortune Feimster
And I'm gonna go watch him do his thing.
Mae Martin
No, I really, I. Have you ever said to anyone, are you lost? Like, in a threatening way, are you lost?
Tig Notaro
No.
Fortune Feimster
If I asked them, that would be more of like, is, where's your soul right now? Is your soul lost?
Mae Martin
Oh, yeah. Have you lost yourself? Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Or like, where are your parents?
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Are you lost?
Mae Martin
Have you ever offered someone a knuckle sandwich?
Fortune Feimster
No.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
You have?
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
My brother, you said, can I make you a sandwich? He goes, yeah, sure. What's that? Knuckle.
Tig Notaro
Well, I think we just exchanged offers over and over.
Mae Martin
Right.
Tig Notaro
Do you want a knuckle sandwich? You know? Yeah. And.
Fortune Feimster
And he offered you one back.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, we both offered knuckle Sandwiches, back and forth.
Fortune Feimster
Things redundant.
Mae Martin
Funny. With siblings where now, like, now we're all adults, and you're having a coffee with this other adult. And you both know that you were insane to each other as kids. Like, that.
Tig Notaro
You were.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
I'm going fishing with my brother next week. Next weekend. Which is kind of funny because, like, he and I have not done anything like this in years.
Tig Notaro
Wow.
Fortune Feimster
And he. He's an avid fisherman, and he's been trying to get me to go fishing with him forever. And I just finally was like, okay, let's go fishing. So I'm gonna have a sibling weekend with my brother.
Tig Notaro
That's great.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Are you going in the ocean or lake or river?
Fortune Feimster
We're going up in the Niagara Falls area because he said it's, like, unbelievably gorgeous there. But I believe so. I believe it's fresh water where we're going to.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
I have not. I know I look butch, but I'm a dainty little, pretty little lady on the inside. I'm worried. Not worried. I'm not losing sleep over it. But I will definitely be a big puss when it comes to baiting my hook. Oh.
Mae Martin
Because it's live.
Tig Notaro
Have you done it before?
Fortune Feimster
I mean, as a kid. And we have some friends that are going to. And I'm probably going to get laughed at.
Mae Martin
Can I feel like you can get them to do it for you?
Fortune Feimster
I know, but may I feel like I'm my butch card, you know, because I'm so butcher. It's going to get revolved.
Tig Notaro
Right.
Mae Martin
You're not slamming worms onto those hooks.
Fortune Feimster
And then. And then if I am lucky enough to catch a fish, which we all know I will. I don't want to. Then touch it.
Mae Martin
Well, that. Yeah, that's fair. I think so.
Fortune Feimster
But do you guys. I think that my butch card will be taken from me.
Tig Notaro
Can you. Instead of, like, live bait, use, like, a lure?
Fortune Feimster
I'll ask my brother. Otherwise, he's gonna have to bait my hook.
Tig Notaro
Hell.
Fortune Feimster
But I also don't want to touch my fish.
Mae Martin
Yeah. I think.
Tig Notaro
Are we talking about.
Fortune Feimster
We're still talking about fishing. These are not euphemisms. This is my brother.
Mae Martin
I think true masculinity, it comes from having. Having boundaries, knowing what you like and don't like and saying, hey, touch my fish.
Fortune Feimster
Hey, you guys, I don't want to put a. I don't want to touch a worm.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
And I want to touch my fish.
Fortune Feimster
I don't want to touch my fish. So I'm gonna need Somebody to do this for me.
Mae Martin
So basically, I'll just stand there with the pole and if anything happens, I'll pass it off. Is fishing just. Most of fishing is just, like, standing right.
Tig Notaro
And talking.
Mae Martin
Talking.
Fortune Feimster
Hopefully people have stuff to talk about. Otherwise, awkward.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. That could be so awkward. Maybe you could offer your brother a knuckle sandwich.
Fortune Feimster
Maybe.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
If he doesn't bait my hook.
Tig Notaro
Hello.
Fortune Feimster
I'll give him a knuckle sandwich.
Tig Notaro
Right. Enough.
Fortune Feimster
That's right.
Mae Martin
Tell him you'll be in charge of food for the day. When he asks, say, oh, yeah, I brought you a knuckle sandwich.
Fortune Feimster
Knuckle sandwich. But I kind of like the idea of, like, sibling trips as an adult.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
And does he typically go on fishing trips himself? He's. He. He does that.
Mae Martin
Are you gonna eat the fish?
Fortune Feimster
I don't know. That's a good question, May. Thanks.
Tig Notaro
Really good. I mean, one of the best questions we've had on this podcast.
Mae Martin
Thanks. Thanks.
Tig Notaro
Well, not to compete, but I'm gonna see my brother next week.
Fortune Feimster
Really?
Tig Notaro
Wow. Yeah. No fishing trip, but I'm gonna see him and his wife and kids and who knows what's gonna happen? Yeah.
Mae Martin
Yeah. What are you gonna.
Tig Notaro
I mean, I have an idea. We usually sit around and talk and.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Go get coffees and play with the kids and the dog. That's. I. I know exactly what's gonna happen.
Fortune Feimster
You know, exactly.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Is it just you or the family's not going?
Tig Notaro
It's just me. Yeah. Yeah.
Mae Martin
Do you, like, revisit the same conversations with, like, with. I have different people in my life where we have the same conversation over and over, Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We cover some similar ground.
Tig Notaro
I mean, we're on a cycle.
Mae Martin
When I was in Toronto, I saw an old. My old roommate who. I haven't. I haven't really hung out with her in.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
15 years or something. And we went right back to, like, this. We were talking about the same house parties that we were still processing. Like, we. We used to have a bong called Gary Sinise. We talked a lot about that. We used to rent DVDs of CSI and watch a whole season of CSI in two years.
Fortune Feimster
The original one.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Like the Sinise one. So what was that? Gary Sinise? Was that.
Tig Notaro
Now, had you smoked out of Gary Sinise while you were talking about Gary Sinise?
Mae Martin
When. When we lived together. Yeah. We watched CSI with Gary Sinise while smoking out of Gary Sinise.
Fortune Feimster
Wow.
Tig Notaro
CSI New York, Thomas.
Mae Martin
CSI New York. That's right. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. But I get I'm. I'm really nostalgia driven. Like, we recreated a photo that we took 15 years ago. I love all that.
Tig Notaro
Wow.
Mae Martin
And she was. I mean, we were. We were a mess when we lived together, and now she's like a big costume designer on. She's done so well. She's awesome.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
In Toronto.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Nice.
Mae Martin
And she. So her mom, she. I went away, and then maybe I've told you this, I'm sure it's in the cycle, but I went away and then she emailed me. When we lived together, we were like, 20. She said, My mom's gonna be crashing on our couch for a couple weeks. Is that okay? I was like, yeah. She said, oh, she'll be gone by the time you get. And then I got back, and there she was. And. And. And then eventually it got too awkward and my roommate moved out, and it was just me and her mom. We lived there another year.
Fortune Feimster
You lived for a year with her mom?
Tig Notaro
Yes.
Mae Martin
And guess what? She still lives in that apartment. So she. She set her sights on it, and she.
Fortune Feimster
She's like, I'm gonna squat.
Tig Notaro
How many years?
Fortune Feimster
Mine.
Tig Notaro
How many years has she like, it's a rental. She doesn't own it.
Mae Martin
It's a rental. And they've never raised the rent. And she just loves it. It's right on Queen Street. And it's. She's been there 18 years now, I guess. Dang.
Tig Notaro
That is wild.
Fortune Feimster
And you guys got along well?
Mae Martin
Me and Norma. Yeah. Yeah. The mom, Norma, of course.
Tig Notaro
Yes, yes.
Mae Martin
Yeah, we did. She was hilarious. Except one time I was listening to Prince with my friends. I mean, I was an adult in my own apartment, you know, but suddenly with a mom living there.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
And we were listening to Prince, and it must have been like one in the morning or something. And she comes out of her bedroom and goes, guys, don't you think the music's a little dank? We were like, dank.
Fortune Feimster
I don't know.
Mae Martin
I still don't know what that meant.
Tig Notaro
What do you feel like it means dank.
Fortune Feimster
Like, thank you. It's more like. It's not positive, right?
Mae Martin
No, she would sound.
Tig Notaro
It sounds smelly, first of all. It sounds wet.
Mae Martin
Like, smutty and wet by. It was print. I think what she meant was, shut the up. I'm trying to sleep.
Tig Notaro
And this was 10 years ago.
Mae Martin
No, eight. Like, almost 20. I was. Oh, I was 20 years old, so.
Tig Notaro
Because I was gonna say if it was 10 years ago, that's actually when Prince died.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, he died 10 years ago.
Mae Martin
Is that right?
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
I saw a clip of In April performing the other day. I didn't realize he was so physical. He was doing like throwing them heels. Yeah. You guys like Prince?
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
Tig Notaro
We're living, breathing human beings.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Sorry.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Are you guys hearing the drilling at my house?
Mae Martin
Oh, let me listen.
Tig Notaro
It's ever so slight right now, but sometimes it can ramp up. It's not happening anymore, but we're getting a new deck.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Tell us my heartbeat.
Tig Notaro
Oh my God, this is so romantic.
Fortune Feimster
Hear my heart pumping for you.
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Tig Notaro
Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates Northbrook, Illinois. Today's episode of Handsome is sponsored by our friends at Honeylove. May and I have been hearing non stop from Fortune about her new sports bra from HoneyLove. While most sports bras miss the mark, Fortune cannot stop bragging that hers feels amazing to wear all day without feeling too tight or too loose or being a pain to take off. That's because the Honeylove Crossflex Activity bra is designed to be supportive without feeling tight, stiff or suffocating. With an easy hook and eyeback, you don't have to wrestle it over your head. Like most sports bras, it provides wireless support using cloud fuse bonding, meaning no poking, digging or pressure points.
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Tig Notaro
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Fortune Feimster
I'm gonna see my mom next week.
Tig Notaro
Oh, when you go for the fishing trip?
Fortune Feimster
Before the fishing trip. I'll see my mom. She's having a bunch of tests and MRIs and everything next week, so she asked me to come, but that will be the deciding factor. May and I talked about this on a mini soda, whether or not I'm going to take my mom to Europe for a little bit.
Mae Martin
So you're going to see how the
Fortune Feimster
test next week will be the deciding factor. So.
Tig Notaro
Okay.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Because I'm going to do a bunch of shows the end of May, early June in Europe, and we were weighing in on whether or not she was going to come to the Copenhagen, London and Dublin part of the trip.
Tig Notaro
Has she been to those places before?
Fortune Feimster
She's been to London, but not Copenhagen and not Dublin. She wanted to go to all the cities because I'm going to Stockholm. Oslo.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Berlin. Where? Somewhere else. But I was like, we got to. We cannot do the whole.
Mae Martin
A whole European road trip.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Why?
Fortune Feimster
Just because her health. Yeah. She only has so much stamina. So we'll see.
Tig Notaro
Okay.
Mae Martin
Hopefully the tests are good because I think that'd be fun.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
I don't know. I'm not the one that is going.
Fortune Feimster
So I just gone to Amsterdam.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
And I did a show there. And. But everyone thought that that was the trip I was referring to with my mom. So literally everyone was like, did your mom go? Did your mom go? I was like, that wrong trip. I'm going back.
Tig Notaro
When you. Oh. When you saw people at the show were coming up.
Fortune Feimster
People. I posted that I just got back from Amsterdam.
Tig Notaro
Oh.
Fortune Feimster
Because I did a separate Trip there because I had to do some other work stuff. And so they thought that was the trip. I was trying to decide whether or not to take her on, but that was not the one. There's another one coming up. But I got. I went to Amsterdam and it was tulip season.
Mae Martin
Oh, wait. Yes. Tell us about Amsterdam.
Fortune Feimster
Girl is the most gorgeous flowers I've ever seen.
Mae Martin
Tulips and clogs.
Fortune Feimster
Tulips and clogs.
Tig Notaro
Did you tiptoe?
Fortune Feimster
I did go through the red. I did go through the red light district.
Mae Martin
Oh, you did? But did you tiptoe through the tulips?
Fortune Feimster
First of all, I did not tiptoe through the tulips.
Tig Notaro
Why do you have to tiptoe through the tulips?
Fortune Feimster
I don't know.
Tig Notaro
Because they're.
Fortune Feimster
What was his name?
Mae Martin
What's his name? The guy that sings that. I don't even really tell it.
Fortune Feimster
Know what you guys are referring to.
Tig Notaro
You've never heard of Tiptoe through the Tulips?
Mae Martin
He sings like that. Those were the days where you could be a big star. And you sing like that and you're weird. Tiptoe through the tip.
Fortune Feimster
I don't know this song. Two against one.
Tig Notaro
Wow. Two against Thomas.
Mae Martin
What's his name?
Fortune Feimster
Tiptoe.
Mae Martin
Tiptoe through the tulips. I'm seeing that it was written.
Allstate Ad Voice
Oh, it was made popular by guitarist Nick Lucas.
Mae Martin
No.
Fortune Feimster
But then there's a guy named Tiny Tim.
Mae Martin
That's the one. Obviously, that's the one. I mean, the one that sings. And he goes, I'm Tiny Tim and I'm gonna be a big.
Fortune Feimster
I don't have any clue what you are talking about.
Tig Notaro
That's clear.
Fortune Feimster
But I was telling you, I went to the red light district.
Mae Martin
Oh, yeah? How was it?
Fortune Feimster
I saw a lot of boobies.
Mae Martin
Yeah. In the windows.
Fortune Feimster
Just window shopping. Not. I mean, not shopping. It was not shopping for anything.
Tig Notaro
Oh, my God. Just window shopping.
Fortune Feimster
Let me be clear. Not shopping for a thing. But they're just. There's just boobies everywhere.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
And I did see. Listen, this is no judgment. More of like, hey, good for y'. All. A couple was going in to negotiate with one of the gals, and I was like, look at them on vacation being like, let's, you know, a couple,
Tig Notaro
like a male, female couple.
Fortune Feimster
Male, female couple. Like, maybe it was on their bucket list. And they were like, let's go do this together.
Mae Martin
I never went date night. You did. Did you actually say that?
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Hilarious date. And did they respond? Did they hear you?
Fortune Feimster
I was Far away.
Tig Notaro
That is so funny.
Fortune Feimster
But yeah, it's. It's just, you know, but it's interesting over there because nobody thinks twice about it. It's just such a. It's been such a part of that city and the culture there. It's. No, it doesn't phase anyone. And the girls are fine. They're great. They're living their best life.
Mae Martin
Yeah. I mean, and it's legal, so they get to have unions. And they. It's all super safe. I'm very pro. Yeah, Very pro.
Fortune Feimster
Sex work. It's.
Mae Martin
I just.
Fortune Feimster
Cool city.
Mae Martin
I just googled why did they call it Stockholm syndrome? When you said Stockholm, I thought about that.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
You want to know the answer? It's crazy. Do you know?
Tig Notaro
Oh, okay, let's hear it.
Mae Martin
Okay. Stockholm syndrome is named after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where hostages developed an unexpected positive emotional bond with their captors during a six day standoff. They defended the criminals, feared the police, refused to testify. And yeah, that was coined that term may fact.
Tig Notaro
Thank you for sharing that, May.
Mae Martin
I could see that happening to me if I was a hostage in a bank robbery. And I'd be like, yeah, but you know, life is tough. I get it.
Tig Notaro
Like, yeah, this is my best friend.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing after this?
Tig Notaro
I love this person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fortune Feimster
And then I ate a stoop waffle.
Mae Martin
No.
Fortune Feimster
What's a stupid how you say it?
Mae Martin
Don't know.
Tig Notaro
I don't either.
Fortune Feimster
Dutch is very hard to decipher.
Mae Martin
What is it?
Fortune Feimster
It's a waffle with like caramel in the middle.
Mae Martin
Oh, with stoop in the middle.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, sure. And this one had chocolate on top of it.
Tig Notaro
Was it delicious?
Fortune Feimster
Delish.
Tig Notaro
And then I had a lot of treats.
Fortune Feimster
Those. That's fries.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. No, I know.
Fortune Feimster
You guys didn't know what frites are. They're fries.
Tig Notaro
Did you know May.
Fortune Feimster
And they put mayonnaise on their fries.
Mae Martin
Yeah. How do you feel about that? I'm anti.
Fortune Feimster
I don't want it. For whatever reason, I don't want it in the States. But over there it makes sense.
Mae Martin
That's funny.
Fortune Feimster
But they. And when we went. When I went to Brussels, they have the curry ketchup. That's big in London, right?
Mae Martin
Oh, it's big in Berlin. Curry? Yeah, Chips and like fries with curry sauce and stuff.
Fortune Feimster
But that's not a big thing in London.
Mae Martin
Maybe. I don't remember that though.
Tig Notaro
Never heard of it.
Fortune Feimster
It's like a curry ketchup.
Mae Martin
That's. That's good. Why do we Stay in our lane so much, you know?
Fortune Feimster
Very European right now. I don't know what to tell you guys.
Tig Notaro
No, I know. You seem like you really.
Mae Martin
Yes.
Tig Notaro
Came back.
Fortune Feimster
I'm about to take one tit out because it's very European.
Mae Martin
Everyone in Europe's got one.
Fortune Feimster
Everyone in Europe hanging out has one tit hanging out at all times. At least they have a tit and app.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Rub it in much?
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
I'm gonna take my one tit out of my Honey Love bra and drink an aperol spritz.
Mae Martin
Oh, my God.
Fortune Feimster
And have some frites, and. I mean, you'll think I'm European, especially with that accent. But I did a show in Amsterdam as well, and we had some lovely, handsome listeners come to the show, so it's very cool to. To meet some of our European friends. European friends, yeah.
Mae Martin
That's so nice. Did they give you stuff for me? Because I'm getting a lot of stuff for you guys on tour.
Tig Notaro
Did anyone happen to have any gifts for me? Yeah. No.
Fortune Feimster
How do I have. The last I gave to y' all was the soap. I haven't been given anything for the group in a minute.
Mae Martin
You got. You guys got a lot of stuff coming.
Fortune Feimster
Really?
Mae Martin
I have so much stuff that I had to ship it back to my house.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, wow.
Mae Martin
And I'm still. I got 12 more cities to go and.
Fortune Feimster
Well, you can use your discretion if you think.
Mae Martin
No, you're getting all. There's paintings of us. There's. There's knitted dolls of all three of us. There's all kinds of cool shit.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Wow.
Mae Martin
Yeah, it's really dull. It's. It's. It's so much stuff.
Fortune Feimster
How do we look?
Mae Martin
Oh, we all look great.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Even me?
Mae Martin
Yeah, even you?
Tig Notaro
Even me.
Mae Martin
Yes, even you.
Fortune Feimster
With Tig's one eye.
Tig Notaro
One eye, no tits.
Fortune Feimster
One eye, no tits. Jig.
Tig Notaro
Oh, how's my eye look?
Fortune Feimster
So good.
Tig Notaro
Does it look like it's closing or.
Fortune Feimster
But you haven't had anything done to it.
Mae Martin
No, it looks pretty. Pretty even today.
Fortune Feimster
Okay.
Tig Notaro
Well, it. I think I have it done in October now. Oh, it keeps getting back. Well, no, it was one. It was set. And then. Because it's hard to get it scheduled, when I had to move it, it, like, really got moved down the line.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
Does it start to twitch if, like. If they're doing construction in your house? Will the noise, like.
Tig Notaro
No, there's no twitching. That happens. It just feels like a brick is placed on that eyelid.
Mae Martin
And you don't like that?
Tig Notaro
I'm not crazy about it because it interferes with my eyesight and. And it just. It just. It feels so weird.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Wait, girl, tell us about your. Your patio, girl.
Tig Notaro
Oh, girl. I was. You know, we had a. We had to get our roof fixed only to find out we need a new back patio and upper deck because the wood was rotting. We've lived in our house for 10 years, and I guess it's that the people remodeled right around then and then. I guess 10 years is kind of a sweet spot of when things start going to hell.
Fortune Feimster
Just.
Mae Martin
I'm picturing just everything at once.
Tig Notaro
I'm not kidding you. I am not kidding you. And before we got on this episode, I was saying that. Do you hear that?
Mae Martin
Oh, I heard something there.
Tig Notaro
That's barely anything. Yeah. It was so explosively loud. I was. And it was truly three minutes before we got on. I was like, there is no possible way we're going to be able to record. And then, you know, the Lord was on our side.
Fortune Feimster
The Lord bless you and keep you.
Tig Notaro
Yes. That Lord blessed us and we were able to continue.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, here we go. Here we go.
Tig Notaro
Unless that is nothing compared to what was going on before we got on here.
Fortune Feimster
It sounds kind of like somebody like tapping on your.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, I don't. Yeah, they might just bumping uglies. You know, a little bit of tapping with the hammer. But something else. There was like a drill saw situation that felt like it was about to knock the whole house down.
Fortune Feimster
Well, they probably. Maybe that was when they were removing the wood from the house.
Tig Notaro
Pretty little lady.
Mae Martin
You just got your butch cards back.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, I got my butch card back. She got her butch card back.
Tig Notaro
Still working out?
Fortune Feimster
No, I got to get back into it.
Tig Notaro
So are you doing gym workout? Are you treading? What are you doing?
Fortune Feimster
I did a week of workouts a couple weeks ago, and then I've been. I was then in Europe. I got. I walked the equivalent of 50,000 steps in one day. No, five days.
Tig Notaro
Oh, wow.
Fortune Feimster
Wait, is that good?
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
No way. It's not. 50,000. 50 miles, 100,000 steps. It was. I got 20,000 steps a day.
Tig Notaro
Whoa. I remember when Stephanie and I went to Amsterdam, we walked so much. I think it's the most I've ever walked in my life.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. So it was 50 miles, 100, 000 steps.
Tig Notaro
Good Lord Fortune.
Fortune Feimster
I'm the pillar of health.
Tig Notaro
We know it, girl.
Fortune Feimster
Although I just got my blood drawn because I'm trying to actually look into my health now. And the doctor's, like, just got 80 of your results. Can we talk? And I'm like, oh, no.
Tig Notaro
Did you talk?
Fortune Feimster
Not yet. I kind of don't want to hear it. Didn't sound like great.
Mae Martin
Well, you never know. Maybe it's like, can we talk? And then it's just a call. Yeah. Good job.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
You're outside. Does not match your inside.
Tig Notaro
That's what I like to do to, you know, waiters. I ask, can we say?
Fortune Feimster
Can we talk?
Tig Notaro
I say, can I talk to the manager? And then they're like, is there something I can help you with? And I say, everything is divine once again.
Fortune Feimster
Look at you.
Mae Martin
That's so good. That's so good. I love that.
Tig Notaro
And they're looking at me like preparing for something terrible. But they're like, so everything's good? And I'm like, everything is amazing. And we will be back again next week.
Mae Martin
That's so good. I love that. I'll never forget when I went with Parv and Amma for lunch when Amma was five and out of nowhere the waiter was like, and is everything to your satisfaction? And she goes, I don't like it. And we were all like, oh my God. And she goes, I love it. What about us?
Tig Notaro
Still got it.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
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Fortune Feimster
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Fortune Feimster
Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com handsome for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to Q U I n c e.com Handsome for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com Handsome should we get to our question?
Tig Notaro
I think we should.
Fortune Feimster
Well, today's question. Asker is an actor and comedian who has starred in shows like Mad tv, Eastbound and down, and my best friend and my co worker on the show the Mindy Project. Most recently, his work in the hit show the Studio won a critics Choice award and an actor award, and he was actually nominated for an Emmy. Ike Barinholtz is asking today's question.
Tig Notaro
Nice.
Ike Barinholtz
Hi, handsome. Pod, it's Ike Fortune. You're my dear old friend Tig, my neighbor. May. I don't know you as well, but you're a new friend. Okay, I love that each of you are opening a restaurant. What is the name of the restaurant and what is the fare? And give me, like a quick menu, like appetizer, slash salad, main dessert, cocktail. I'll take my answer off there, please. Thank you.
Tig Notaro
I truly trip over Ike every other day in the neighborhood.
Fortune Feimster
In the neighborhood. Well, he goes on walks and stuff, right?
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah, so do I. And boy, do we bump into each other.
Mae Martin
That's funny.
Fortune Feimster
Our last season of the mini project together, he was working on a movie and he fractured his neck. Like, literally came with an inch of being paralyzed.
Tig Notaro
Oh, my God.
Fortune Feimster
Crazy.
Mae Martin
At work.
Fortune Feimster
At work.
Tig Notaro
Filming.
Mae Martin
Oh, my God.
Fortune Feimster
Not at our work. Some. Another project. And he just, like, willed himself into, like, being. Okay, he was in a neck brace or almost our entire last season, but he. He had to sit upright a certain degree every day and he had to walk a certain amount every day. And he just, like, was the most dedicated I've ever seen of anybody. And somehow just like, wow. Fixed himself through this and, you know, obviously physical therapy and stuff, but, like, that was such a close call. But. And also he won celebrity Jeopardy. He is wildly knowledgeable about an insane amount of stuff.
Tig Notaro
Really more than me.
Fortune Feimster
Like a history guy. He knows, like, history dates. I mean, just like, his brain is, like, wild.
Mae Martin
Wow.
Fortune Feimster
He's very, very smart, but. And super funny. I loved working with him.
Mae Martin
I love when. When the question asker goes through us each individually. I get a. I get, like, excited
Tig Notaro
from even when he says, I don't really know you. Yeah.
Mae Martin
I don't think I've ever.
Fortune Feimster
I said a new friend.
Mae Martin
Yeah. See, that was perfect. And I'm gonna hold him to that. If I ever see him.
Tig Notaro
I will.
Mae Martin
I understand.
Fortune Feimster
That's how I feel. If he saw you, he'd be excited. Yeah, he's the nicest.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
I would love, love to own a restaurant, but, like, be one of those people that is a part of the ownership but does not have to do anything.
Mae Martin
Right.
Fortune Feimster
Just go enjoy food.
Mae Martin
You don't want to make any of the creative decisions.
Fortune Feimster
I mean, I would love to weigh in. Like, we could do better with this entree. I would love to weigh in on the food for sure. Because I feel like I have a nice palette, but I don't.
Mae Martin
I've always said that about you.
Fortune Feimster
That's what.
Tig Notaro
One of the most good looking palettes in Hollywood. That wasn't necessary. And that was even more. I was clearing my palate necessary, which I.
Fortune Feimster
By the way, I went to that restaurant I told you about in Amsterdam. Again, decas. That's. I know you're vegan, but it's.
Tig Notaro
How'd you know I was vegan?
Fortune Feimster
Mainly vegetarian. And they grow all their own food and it's delish.
Mae Martin
I've seen that place advertised. It's in like a greenhouse type.
Fortune Feimster
It's in a greenhouse.
Mae Martin
Yes.
Fortune Feimster
So good.
Mae Martin
Wait, so what would your concept be for your restaurant? Would it be in a greenhouse like that?
Tig Notaro
Would it just be called the palate cleaner?
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Just a tongue.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
Because your taste ranges like you love Hooters. Would you have a Hooters type element?
Fortune Feimster
No, I think I would want a.
Tig Notaro
A Hooters type element with people that have had top surgery and double mastectomies.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Let's start it.
Mae Martin
Oh, my God.
Fortune Feimster
No booze.
Mae Martin
Oh, my God. What's it called? Something to do it Dumpster.
Fortune Feimster
Wait, are y' all opening a restaurant together?
Tig Notaro
Did y' all just Go into one.
Fortune Feimster
Wow.
Mae Martin
Oh, my God. All the waiters are topless and.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
Fortune Feimster
Continue. Let's hear it. Let's hear more.
Tig Notaro
No, let's. Let's get back to yours.
Fortune Feimster
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Tig Notaro
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Fortune Feimster
The creativity. The creativity is happening. Let's not stop the train.
Mae Martin
I don't want to share the rest of the restaurant with Dave.
Tig Notaro
Sorry.
Mae Martin
Well, because I think I'm gonna want different things on my menu. And I don't know.
Fortune Feimster
May I meet.
Mae Martin
Well, I think we would be aligned maybe on some of the ambiance stuff.
Tig Notaro
Stay out of this.
Fortune Feimster
Y' all are already fighting. You want different ambiance or you want meat and cheese?
Tig Notaro
I just want no tits. That's all I want.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
That's all you care about.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
So both of y' all are opening up restaurants where everyone's topless.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
But when you's different.
Tig Notaro
Okay. And it's called Utterly Delicious.
Mae Martin
Oh, my God.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Okay. That's Tig's restaurant.
Tig Notaro
No, that's not. That's not the restaurant I would have.
Fortune Feimster
Okay. Okay.
Tig Notaro
That's a side project that I would start with May, where everyone has had top surgery or double mastectomies. There's no reconstructive surgery.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
This is a cafe, then Utterly Delicious is a cafe with. Yeah, with nut milks.
Mae Martin
Yeah. I think you're right, actually.
Tig Notaro
With breast milk.
Mae Martin
Yeah. We serve breast milk. Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Oh, my God. That's what you are confusing restaurants.
Fortune Feimster
That's what you are owning together is Utterly Delicious. It's a cafe.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
And all the food is shaped like separate restaurants.
Tig Notaro
And everything is made with breast milk.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, everything's made with breast milk. The irony is no one has tits.
Tig Notaro
No tits allowed. You can eat there with your tits.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
You can't.
Tig Notaro
Whatever you want it to me.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, you can have tits and go there. I see.
Tig Notaro
Or you can eat with your tits.
Fortune Feimster
Giving stuff up with them.
Tig Notaro
Slap it in there.
Fortune Feimster
Slap it in there. Okay.
Mae Martin
And.
Fortune Feimster
And that one. We don't need to go through the menu other than the breast milk. That one's covered.
Tig Notaro
Utter. Than the breast milk.
Fortune Feimster
Good. Good one.
Tig Notaro
Thank you.
Fortune Feimster
Okay, I'm gonna assume t you're opening up a vegan restaurant.
Tig Notaro
What makes you think that?
Mae Martin
Yeah. What if it was a barbecue?
Tig Notaro
It could be vegan barbecue.
Mae Martin
Yeah, that's true.
Fortune Feimster
Jack. Would that be Jackfruit?
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah. No. Or mushrooms. That. Those. Barbecue. A lot of things barbecue nicely. You can barbecue watermelon. But I want to know about the
Mae Martin
I want to know about the ambiance, you know, and the.
Fortune Feimster
What's your vibe?
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Of no tits allowed.
Fortune Feimster
Or wait, are your restaurants both tits out? No tits. What's happening?
Tig Notaro
Tits out the door.
Mae Martin
No, we just have Utterly delicious.
Fortune Feimster
Utterly delicious is the tit one.
Mae Martin
Yeah. And then Tig has her own restaurant.
Tig Notaro
Okay, here's the thing. Is my father, a Pasquale, he always worked at pizza restaurants, like kind of in Mississippi. It was a chain called Mr. Gaddy's. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Gaddy's.
Fortune Feimster
Gaddy.
Tig Notaro
Gaddy's is what it ended up becoming is Gatti's. And he, he managed them. And, and anyway, his, his dream was to have his own pizzeria.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
And so I thought it'd be fun one day to open a vegan restaurant called A Pasquale. A pizzeria? Yeah. Vegan pizza.
Mae Martin
Nice.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, yeah, Vegan pizza.
Fortune Feimster
Just vegan pizza. Not regular.
Tig Notaro
Just vegan pizza. And you know, Pasquale would approve. He. He would be so proud and he'd be into it no matter what.
Fortune Feimster
I could see that.
Mae Martin
Yeah, I like that. And is it just simple, like checkered tablecloths?
Tig Notaro
Very traditional. Pasquale is pizzeria and you know, maybe some old family photos, black and white family photos from the old Natasha family back in Italy.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, wow, this is aggressive.
Mae Martin
And would you, if any. If a celebrity ate or no tits allowed.
Tig Notaro
What?
Mae Martin
If a celebrity ate there, would you put their picture on the wall?
Tig Notaro
Celebrities.
Mae Martin
No celebrities allowed is good.
Fortune Feimster
They're allowed, but they don't.
Tig Notaro
No, they're not.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, no, they are not.
Mae Martin
I love that idea.
Tig Notaro
Except.
Fortune Feimster
All right, you try to tell Jennifer Aniston she can't come.
Tig Notaro
Except for ikea.
Fortune Feimster
I can be there.
Tig Notaro
See?
Fortune Feimster
Inspired this. Yeah.
Mae Martin
Imagine having a restaurant in LA and you go, no celebrities allowed.
Tig Notaro
No celebrities, no tits.
Mae Martin
I bet you'd get tons of people.
Fortune Feimster
Are you serving alcohol at this restaurant?
Tig Notaro
Yeah, and a lot of non alcoholic. Non alcoholic beverages as well. Like, I like a good. I used to not enjoy a non alcoholic beer, but Stephanie ordered one once and I was like, this is tasty. You know, a little afternoon brewski sip. And yeah, and so I, I started having little sips off of her non alcoholic afternoon brusky.
Mae Martin
And we know you love to have a little sip of her alcoholic drink.
Tig Notaro
Yes. Yeah, I like to sit and have a little sip. But now my point is, I was like, this is so good. There's so many good ones out there.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
That, you know, if you're a non drinker, you want to have an afternoon sipsy doodle. Yeah, Yeah. A lot of good ones. Stella makes a good one. Heineken does.
Fortune Feimster
Okay. And is there any dessert?
Tig Notaro
No dessert. Except breast milk ice cream.
Mae Martin
Everywhere with breast milk.
Tig Notaro
Breast milk. Breast milk. Breast milk. A tiramisu.
Fortune Feimster
Utterly Delicious Is next door.
Mae Martin
Yeah, yeah. You send people next door for their.
Tig Notaro
And then you go into Utterly Delicious. They're like, sorry, no. They're like, oh, sorry. They're like, no tits allowed. And then you go next door, and then it's Pasquale. He's still. No tits allowed.
Fortune Feimster
Huh?
Tig Notaro
I like, no, you can have tits at Pasquale's. And the dessert would have to be a teresu. That's my favorite.
Fortune Feimster
Do they make good vegan tiramisu?
Tig Notaro
Of course. It's Pasquale's pizzeria.
Fortune Feimster
Okay.
Tig Notaro
Okay.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
What do you think we're gonna, like, crap out on the dessert?
Fortune Feimster
I don't know. It's just full of cream.
Tig Notaro
I don't want to fight with you about this.
Fortune Feimster
I don't want to fight with you either. I love tiramisu.
Tig Notaro
I love you too.
Fortune Feimster
And. And affogato, since you have Utterly Delicious next door. Yeah. You need a vegan ice cream and an espresso shot.
Tig Notaro
Oh, God, I love an espresso shot with my dessert.
Mae Martin
Yeah, me too.
Tig Notaro
Get out of my face if you don't have. Well, I have decaf espresso. I know that ruins everything, but I like the taste of it.
Fortune Feimster
Yes, of course.
Tig Notaro
So I have my decaf espresso with my. My breast milk. A Terry Missou.
Fortune Feimster
I love this. Well, this is. I actually could see you owning a restaurant like this one day.
Mae Martin
Yeah, me too, actually, in, like, Colorado.
Tig Notaro
Are there any investors who want to open at Pasquale's Pizzeria? We have a taker. So we're gonna open Pasquale's and Utterly Delicious.
Mae Martin
I'm just gonna be an investor.
Tig Notaro
Okay.
Mae Martin
And I'm.
Tig Notaro
But you and I are gonna work
Mae Martin
at Utterly Delicious Monday to Friday night.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah. Put our aprons on and get to it.
Mae Martin
Aprons. No, top. Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Well, those bottom anchors. Aprons.
Mae Martin
Yes.
Tig Notaro
It's not like a top apron.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
And sadly, we have a lot of grease. Hot grease scars on our.
Mae Martin
We have a lot of burns.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Utterly delicious.
Tig Notaro
Yeah. Yeah. We don't wear shirts there, and our aprons don't cover our tops.
Mae Martin
I'm touring with my friend Matt, who's Italian, and I just found out his grandfather was called Enrico Durango.
Tig Notaro
Oh, I know him.
Mae Martin
Does Pasquale know, Enrico directs
Tig Notaro
also. I've told you my father used to carry a pistol and a knife in his cowboy boots. Didn't I tell you that?
Mae Martin
He must have, but that's blowing my mind again.
Tig Notaro
Okay, that has to be part of the restaurant. Is that maybe not pistol. The weight staff has knives in their boots. Oh, yeah, knives. So you can pull it out. You cut the pizza with the knife.
Fortune Feimster
Circle thing.
Tig Notaro
Yes, yes and no pistol. But you got the knife in your boot.
Mae Martin
Yeah, I like that. No, no, in the pistol is hot sauce. It's like a plastic. Yeah.
Tig Notaro
Yes, yes.
Fortune Feimster
Interesting. Or hot honey.
Tig Notaro
Yes, hot honey for them.
Fortune Feimster
I love hot honey on a pizza.
Mae Martin
Never had it.
Fortune Feimster
Honey, it's so good. Hot honey on a pizza. May I change your life?
Tig Notaro
Well, you know, in Colorado, maybe I've told you this, but it. They'll eat their pizza, and then they leave the crust, and then they have honey on the table, and then they pour the honey on the crust, and that's their dessert. And we're gonna do that at Pasquale.
Mae Martin
Yeah, we are.
Tig Notaro
Well, that's not vegan, though. It's not vegan. So what you do.
Fortune Feimster
Wait, honey's not vegan?
Tig Notaro
No, because it's an animal product. But some vegans. Some vegans do eat it, but what I replace honey with is a maple syrup. Yeah, okay.
Fortune Feimster
Okay.
Tig Notaro
All right. Sorry to yell in Italian. Yeah, sorry. It's just part of my family. You know, we're all like.
Fortune Feimster
That comes over you.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, yeah.
Fortune Feimster
No. May I feel like you already know the vibe of the restaurant. You want?
Mae Martin
Yeah, I've been thinking about it, and I. All I know is I don't want to. The table's too close together. I don't want. I hate when you go to a fancy restaurant and you're elbow to elbow with the next table. So I want.
Fortune Feimster
You don't like that? Yeah, I don't like that either. I don't like sitting on top of each other. You don't like that?
Mae Martin
No. So I want distance between us, between all the tables. And I want, like, comfort food, like mashed potatoes and schnitzel and, like, lasagna. And then I want some tables outside where you can smoke a cigarette. I think that's a really a lovely thing that I kind of miss from the 90s. Like that you could sit, you finish
Tig Notaro
your mealy decade where you could smoke.
Mae Martin
Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're right. Just like a little ashtray on a table. And so after your meal, you have a. You go outside, you have your Espresso and.
Fortune Feimster
And espresso and a smoke.
Mae Martin
Yeah. And I think maybe a live band, like a. Like, playing kind of instrumental Beatles covers and things.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
Yeah, but jazzy.
Fortune Feimster
Okay.
Mae Martin
Actually, I'm sort of hating Sonia and
Fortune Feimster
Schnitzel and what was the other thing?
Tig Notaro
I forgot there's also an accordion player at my. At Pasquale.
Mae Martin
Of course.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
What was this? Is there a thing about, like. Like, accordion players? They had monkeys or something. Why does my brain go accordion player and a monkey?
Fortune Feimster
Like, maybe it was in a cartoon or something.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
I feel like people are gonna just
Tig Notaro
blame it on being May Martin.
Fortune Feimster
Right.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
My brain goes monkey.
Tig Notaro
Must be a monkey involved.
Fortune Feimster
What's the name of this restaurant, May?
Mae Martin
It's called Tits In. Tits In? No, it's called. It's called hey, Come On In.
Fortune Feimster
Like, it's like, come on in.
Tig Notaro
Hey, Come on in.
Fortune Feimster
Huh? Like it.
Mae Martin
Hey, Come on In.
Tig Notaro
Come On.
Mae Martin
Or something like that. Something welcoming like that. Like, it's called.
Tig Notaro
Yeah, May's Place.
Mae Martin
Yeah. I don't feel very attached to my name May, you know?
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Mae Martin
Like, I had. When I made feel good, they said, can we call it May? And I was like. Even though my character was called May, I was like, like, yeah.
Tig Notaro
What about little cowboys?
Mae Martin
Yeah, it's. Of course it's little cowboys. Yeah. But it doesn't have a western theme.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, it's not a western thing, so.
Tig Notaro
But there is a big wagon wheel out front the kids climb on. Well, why not Fortune?
Mae Martin
Oh, I want it to be fun for kids and magical, actually, now that I think of it.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Maybe I want kids at my restaurant.
Mae Martin
You're no kids allowed. Fortune feaster.
Tig Notaro
And is there a blinking neon sign that says no kids?
Mae Martin
I think I want. Where if you have kids,
Fortune Feimster
they have their own room that they have to go to.
Tig Notaro
There's just one wagon wheel. There's just one old wagon wheel.
Fortune Feimster
A hot dog or chicken tenders.
Mae Martin
I'm having other ideas for my restaurant. Can I take up.
Tig Notaro
Sorry, you've already told yours.
Mae Martin
Okay. I want there to be an immersive theater type element where your waiter is. Tells you a secret. Like, I was like, you got to get me out of here or something.
Fortune Feimster
Or, like, as like, an escape room
Mae Martin
at the end of it or during. Like, there's a clue hidden in the food, and that clue in tells you which waiter that you have to talk to, and you have to say a certain code phrase like, excuse me, do you have any gray Poupon? Or whatever? And then the waiter will go, 4294 is the code to the bathroom. Then you go to the bathroom, or
Fortune Feimster
that's where they tell you the specials.
Mae Martin
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can only get them if you go through all these steps, and
Fortune Feimster
then you don't want to play. You just don't get to hear the specials for the day.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Then you just eat what you eat and you have a nice time. But if you want to, you could be involved in this whole whisper subterfuge thing.
Tig Notaro
So you have.
Fortune Feimster
You.
Tig Notaro
It's your choice. You don't have to get in on this reindeer game.
Mae Martin
No, you can opt out, but I
Fortune Feimster
also sit down, I opt out of the immersive part of this restaurant.
Mae Martin
And they go, okay, respecting grapes, but there's going to be one winner announced at the end of every table service.
Tig Notaro
That sounds like hell.
Fortune Feimster
Well, this is why y' all aren't owning the restaurant together.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Utterly delicious.
Tig Notaro
Utterly delicious.
Mae Martin
Yeah. But I like the idea of one winner per. Per kind of time slot.
Fortune Feimster
Okay.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Competitive dining.
Fortune Feimster
I could actually see you opening restaurant as well.
Mae Martin
Yeah. And maybe there's a thing where, like, let's say you get a slice of cake and you bite it and you're
Fortune Feimster
like, oh, no, it tastes different.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Like, it tastes like.
Fortune Feimster
Oh, no.
Mae Martin
Like meatloaf or something. It's just designed to look like cake. But it's actually.
Tig Notaro
And there's a cake. And there's a cake.
Mae Martin
Wait, I watched Fortune on Is it cake?
Fortune Feimster
I know.
Tig Notaro
That's what my son's. No.
Fortune Feimster
Fortune from first episode. No way. Yeah.
Tig Notaro
When they met Fortune, they were like, what she on Is that cake?
Fortune Feimster
That sounds like probably you're like, she's pretty famous. Okay.
Mae Martin
Okay.
Fortune Feimster
There is some sort of trick.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Tig Notaro
There's meatloaf, chocolate cake, and if you get the.
Mae Martin
That code that gets you into the special bathroom, then, like, there's a secret door that takes you into a place that's, like, room. It's got a. No, it just has a chocolate Sex
Tig Notaro
swing is waiting for you.
Fortune Feimster
Dungeons, sex clubs, attached Sex fondue.
Tig Notaro
Like the Kit Kat Club sex fondue.
Mae Martin
What if you accidentally stumble in there and you're like, I didn't.
Fortune Feimster
I just wanted.
Tig Notaro
I was looking for the bathroom.
Fortune Feimster
All right. Gosh, this is quite an elaborate restaurant.
Mae Martin
Have you been inspired, Fortune? What?
Fortune Feimster
Mine's boring. I would, I would maybe do, like.
Tig Notaro
Should we skip it?
Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I, I, I could use my name put, like, make it be called, like, Good Fortune or something like that. Good Fortunes.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
But maybe I'll do, like, A farm to table type of restaurant. When I was in Canada, I went to Picton, you know, outside of Toronto, a couple hours. And all their restaurants there were, like, locally sourced.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
Food. And it was like every place I went to was like, the best, freshest meal I'd ever had.
Tig Notaro
Nice.
Fortune Feimster
So something like that where it's like. Like a really great fish, a really great cut of meat, a nice chicken, roast chicken, that kind of stuff where
Mae Martin
they tell you, like, the name of the chicken you're eating.
Fortune Feimster
The local farms. They tell you the local farms, everything's bought from. Yeah.
Tig Notaro
And do you want all of that information or do you just want food?
Fortune Feimster
People are into it. And we're gonna serve old fashions.
Tig Notaro
Of course.
Fortune Feimster
And what about boxcars? I don't know what that is.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
What's that?
Tig Notaro
I don't know.
Fortune Feimster
Well, we'll have a. We'll have a. What do you call it? The cocktail person?
Tig Notaro
Bartender?
Fortune Feimster
Mixologist.
Mae Martin
No. Yeah, Mixologist.
Tig Notaro
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
They're probably wearing something douchey, like those leather aprons, you know? Yeah.
Tig Notaro
I don't know.
Fortune Feimster
You know what I'm talking about.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Yeah. And, like, it's buttoned up to the top, and there's like a.
Fortune Feimster
And there's like a library wall with the ladder. Oh, instead of books, it's alcohol.
Mae Martin
Right. And are you. Are you going table to table?
Fortune Feimster
It says, boo, books. Less books, more alcohol.
Mae Martin
Boo.
Fortune Feimster
Books.
Mae Martin
No more boo.
Tig Notaro
Oh, I thought you said boob books. I was like, wow.
Fortune Feimster
Boo. Books.
Tig Notaro
Oh, like, thumbs down. No, thank you. Alcohol, no reading aloud. And no kids.
Fortune Feimster
And that's a neon sign, but it's meant to be funny.
Tig Notaro
And it's blinking correct.
Fortune Feimster
And there's candles. The vibes. Kind of like the greenhouse vibe. A lot of windows, a lot of greenery, like plants and stuff everywhere.
Tig Notaro
Okay.
Fortune Feimster
Because, you know, farm to table.
Mae Martin
Are you going table to tables saying, welcome to. Welcome to Good fortunes. And.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, I'm kissing everyone's hand.
Mae Martin
Oh, I like that touch. Imagine you're eating your meal and some person who owns the place comes up.
Tig Notaro
No, thank you.
Fortune Feimster
You would be out everyone's hands. That's just part of coming to my restaurant.
Tig Notaro
But if you're good and it's your
Fortune Feimster
good fortune that this is happening.
Mae Martin
Yeah. Oh, maybe you do fortune cookies.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah.
Mae Martin
At the end.
Fortune Feimster
At the end. Fortune cookies. As well as avogado with avocado. Avogado and tiramisu. So you have like a nice fresh salad or some kind of, like, you know, yellow tail. Fresh. Something like that. And then those Mains I told you about, then the affogato cake.
Tig Notaro
And.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, a fortune. You get a fortune cookie with your check. It's free, and they're dipped in chocolate or white chocolate.
Tig Notaro
I'm sorry, back up. You're handing out free fortune cookies.
Fortune Feimster
I am.
Mae Martin
You're gonna be in the red.
Fortune Feimster
They're gonna be dipped in white chocolate
Tig Notaro
or milk chocolate or dark chocolate or breast milk chocolate.
Fortune Feimster
And there will be some sort of fortune in it, but it won't be the, like, the dumb ones. It'll. They'll actually be good sage advice.
Mae Martin
It won't be like, get another meal. It'll be.
Fortune Feimster
Yeah, yeah, when you eat, you're full. It won't be like that. Yeah, it'll be something. It'll be actual wisdom.
Mae Martin
You're going to be spending a lot of money on those. So if you want, you could bring them to Utterly delicious and. Yeah, Tig and I'll let you dip them in our. In your chocolate.
Tig Notaro
There's a horrible warm breast milk.
Mae Martin
I'm. This is. Are we going to stand by this?
Fortune Feimster
I mean, all of these restaurants will fail. No, actually, Tigs might have a chance of making it.
Mae Martin
Oh.
Tig Notaro
Utterly delicious. Or
Fortune Feimster
my restaurant feels expensive.
Mae Martin
Yeah, it feels. And I'll put a lot of money
Fortune Feimster
into it and get no return. But everyone that gets their hand kissed will love it.
Mae Martin
Yeah.
Fortune Feimster
And there will be a lot of. It will be an Instagram moment of the boo books. More drinking, no kids. That'll be a hit.
Mae Martin
I think mine will be a hit because, like, millennials who are into escape rooms and nerds.
Tig Notaro
Guys, should we even hear what Ike has to say?
Fortune Feimster
We should hear what.
Tig Notaro
I mean.
Fortune Feimster
Ike's a foodie, so he'll. He'll come up with some. Something good, I'm sure.
Tig Notaro
Let's hear about his booby foodie.
Ike Barinholtz
Hi, handsome. Pod. My answer to my own question is I would. I would open a restaurant called. I'd call it Shy's. Like C H I apostrophe S. Like Chicago. Shy is in Chicago. It would be a. It would be a Chicago inspired restaurant. Yeah, we would have all Chicago dishes. Like, the first bite would be like. Like a. Like an amused bouche. Chicago style hot dog. Amused bouche. The. The salad would be some kind of Italian beef salad. The main course would be like, a pizza of some kind. Maybe like a meat kind of pizza. And the dessert would be like chocolate covered beef or pork. Chocolate. Pork sausage.
Tig Notaro
No, chocolate.
Mae Martin
I'm out.
Ike Barinholtz
Beef and pork sausage with, like, a big cup of whiskey served inside. That would be my restaurant, Chai's. What's a beef Chais? We never turn the light off, even if you have a heart attack at the table.
Fortune Feimster
Love that.
Ike Barinholtz
Thank you.
Fortune Feimster
Well, that was a fun episode. I appreciated stirring up such a riveting food conversation. Don't forget, you guys, that we are also now on Hulu, and you can get our episodes a day early. Yeah, on Hulu, as well as where we have always been. What a treat. Handsome. We're keeping it handsome everywhere.
Mae Martin
We are.
Tig Notaro
That's right.
Mae Martin
Yeah, we are. We can't help ourselves.
Fortune Feimster
We sure can't. I'm on tour.
Mae Martin
Yeah. What do you tell me? Fortune?
Fortune Feimster
First off, before that catches May 4th at the Wiltern. Handsome, the handsome pod in Los Angeles as part of the the Netflix is a joke festival.
Mae Martin
Yeah, there's still some tickets left, but not many. So snatch them up.
Fortune Feimster
That's right. And then starting May 8, I'm in Toronto, then Reading, Pennsylvania. Then I'm doing my Europe run the end of May in Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Copenhagen, London and Dublin. And then back in the states in Rochester, Minnesota, Cedar Rapids, Omaha, Portland, Maine and Detroit. And I'm adding a bunch of dates soon as well. What about you, May? You still out there in that boost?
Mae Martin
I got one little chunk of shows left. I'm almost at the end of the tour, but you can catch me in Denver, Colorado. I'm doing two shows on May 8, Kansas City on May 9, St. Louis, May 10, and Nashville on May 11. I'm really excited to be back in Nashville especially. Yeah, all those places. But yeah, check out maymartin.net that's right.
Tig Notaro
And you can check out my tour dates@tignotaro.com come on and see me.
Mae Martin
Well, in that case, all that remains is to say keep it handsome.
Fortune Feimster
Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Wuellette. Email us@handsomepodgmail.com and follow us on social media at Handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast.
Mae Martin
That was a headgum podcast.
Tig Notaro
Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that. I've got my handsome tuxedo ready to go before a big event. Big mistake. Now I'm walking the red carpet in a T shirt and jeans.
Allstate Ad Voice
Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings varies, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.
Mae Martin
Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown.
Fortune Feimster
And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.
Mae Martin
Each episode, we're gonna go into a
Tig Notaro
deep dive from our show.
Fortune Feimster
This is us.
Mae Martin
That's right.
Tig Notaro
We're gonna go episode by episode.
Mae Martin
We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
Fortune Feimster
Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That Was Us on your favorite podcast app.
Mae Martin
Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.
Fortune Feimster
New episodes every Tuesday.
Episode: Ike Barinholtz Asks About Opening a Restaurant
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Date: April 28, 2026
Podcast Network: Headgum
Main Theme:
Comedian and actor Ike Barinholtz poses the question: If the hosts were to open a restaurant, what would it be called, what food would they serve, and what would the menu look like? The hosts go down a hilarious, creative rabbit hole, outlining absurd restaurant concepts, sharing personal stories, and riffing on everything from shaved legs to immersive dining experiences and breast milk ice cream.
This episode is centered around the playful, often chaotic brainstorming of hypothetical restaurant ideas in response to Ike Barinholtz’s question. Alongside wild culinary concepts, Tig, Fortune, and Mae banter about travel stories, family dynamics, European adventures, and the nature of nostalgia—as well as more than a few tangents about body hair, gang personas, and mayonnaise on fries.
[01:10–04:44]
[08:09–11:13]
[12:30–15:47]
[21:01–24:11]
[27:30–28:26]
[29:05–32:43]
[36:12–61:27]
[36:44]
“What is the name of your restaurant and what is the fare? Give me, like, a quick menu—appetizer, slash salad, main, dessert, cocktail.”
[61:56–63:14]
| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|--------------------------------------------| | 01:10 | Hosts reuniting, shaving and hygiene banter| | 08:30 | Fortune’s fishing trip & family stories | | 12:30 | Mae’s nostalgic roommate story | | 21:01 | Fortune’s Amsterdam adventures | | 27:30 | Fan gifts & listener interactions | | 29:05 | Tig’s construction woes & eyelid saga | | 36:12 | Start of restaurant brainstorming | | 41:51 | “Utterly Delicious” cafe riff | | 44:31 | Tig’s “Pasquale’s Pizzeria” | | 51:07 | Mae’s comfort-food & immersive concept | | 57:15 | Fortune’s “Good Fortune(s)” idea | | 61:56 | Ike Barinholtz presents his own restaurant | | 63:14 | Wrap-up, show plugs, and tour dates |
The tone is casual, off-the-cuff, and consistently playful, veering into improv territory as the hosts riff off each other’s absurd ideas. The language is warm, friendly, and frequently cheeky, with plenty of double entendres and buzz of genuine camaraderie.
Listeners who enjoy:
This episode is a fun, no-holds-barred tour through the hosts’ imaginations, blending restaurant fantasy with personal anecdotes, all delivered in their trademark silly, irreverent style.