Lisa Gilroy asks about Handsome at The Oscars

Summary

Handsome Podcast Episode Summary: "Lisa Gilroy asks about Handsome at The Oscars"

Release Date: April 1, 2025
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Guest Questioner: Lisa Gilroy

---

1. Warm Greetings and Personal Updates (00:02 - 02:00)

The episode kicks off with the trio of Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin exchanging warm greetings. Tig introduces the co-hosts, setting a friendly and humorous tone for the episode.

Notable Quote:

• Tig Notaro [02:00]: "Hi, it's your friend Tig Notaro on the podcast Handsome. I'm sitting here with my co-host."

---

2. Show Banter and Personal Anecdotes (02:00 - 15:14)

The hosts engage in playful banter, sharing snippets about their lives and quirky habits. Mae Martin introduces a self-made quote, “If at first you don't succeed,” emphasizing their commitment to learning something new each episode.

Notable Quotes:

• May Martin [02:29]: "I came up with that all by myself, no one else."
• Fortune Feimster [03:16]: "Wait, Tig, you. You can do it too."

They delve into a humorous attempt to test their telepathic connection, revealing the playful dynamics among the hosts. Tig shares a personal update about her worsening eyesight, prompting Fortune to discuss recent scientific advancements in telepathy.

Notable Quote:

• Tig Notaro [03:16]: "My eyesight is completely going near and far. It is a real situation."

---

3. Telepathy Experiment and Miscommunication (03:16 - 11:15)

Engaging in a spirited telepathy experiment, Fortune picks a number between 1 to 10, hoping Tig can guess it. Tig's guess of "8" falls short when Fortune reveals the number was "6," leading to playful disappointment and laughter.

Notable Quote:

• Tig Notaro [04:53]: "God, what if nobody's listening at home?"

Mae Martin introduces whimsical discussions about their pets, particularly Mae's dog, Biggie, and Tig's cat, adding heartwarming and humorous layers to the conversation.

---

4. Sharing "Mayfacts" and Historical Trivia (07:41 - 16:25)

Fortune Feimster contributes an intriguing "Mayfact" about the origin of the term "mad as a hatter," explaining how mercury poisoning affected hat-makers historically. This revelation astonishes Tig and Mae, leading to further humorous exchanges.

Notable Quote:

• Fortune Feimster [07:49]: "People who make hats are nuts from mercury poisoning."

The discussion seamlessly transitions into light-hearted anecdotes about their pets and personal quirks, keeping the atmosphere lively and engaging.

---

5. The Oscars Question by Lisa Gilroy (23:04 - 33:45)

Introduction of the Question: Lisa Gilroy poses a creative and imaginative question: "The year is 2052, and you're at the Oscars. There's a biopic about your life, and the lead actor has just been nominated for playing you. What’s the clip from your life that plays, and who is the actor?"

Hosts' Responses and Creative Exploration:

• Casting Choices: The hosts humorously suggest actors like Timothee Chalamet and Charlize Theron to portray themselves, weaving elaborate and comedic scenarios involving dramatic moments and personal quirks.

  Notable Quote:

  • Fortune Feimster [27:00]: "He'd go Methodist for years."

• Tig's Personal Story: Tig recounts a significant health scare involving a burst cyst and internal bleeding, transforming the harrowing experience into a pivotal movie scene with dramatic flair.

  Notable Quote:

  • Tig Notaro [30:33]: "I collapse after truly saying hello to them on the ground. This is hilarious. I'm on the ground."

• Mae's Contribution: Mae crafts a touching yet humorous narrative about their grandmother's unfulfilled love, adding depth and laughter to the imagined biopic storyline.

  Notable Quote:

  • Mae Martin [45:23]: "It's gonna blow your mind."

---

6. Lisa Gilroy's Creative Answer (48:10 - 58:20)

Lisa Gilroy responds with her imaginative take, envisioning Chloe Grace Moretz portraying her in a scene where she sulks after not making her college improv team. The hosts continue to riff on this premise, infusing jokes about diapers and award prospects.

Notable Quote:

• Lisa Gilroy [48:25]: "I'm never gonna zip zaps up again."

The conversation circles back to earlier themes of telepathy and personal anecdotes, maintaining the episode's blend of humor and heartfelt moments.

---

7. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events (54:17 - 58:20)

As the episode nears its end, the hosts share updates on their upcoming projects and tours. They encourage listeners to subscribe and engage with their social media platforms, wrapping up with light-hearted jest about future episode ideas.

Notable Quote:

• May Martin [54:26]: "Love it."

---

Conclusion

This episode of Handsome seamlessly blends humor, personal stories, and creative imagination as the hosts tackle Lisa Gilroy's unique Oscars question. Through their dynamic interactions and witty exchanges, Tig, Fortune, and Mae offer listeners an engaging and entertaining experience, showcasing their chemistry and comedic prowess.

---

Highlights:

• Telepathy Test Gone Awry: An amusing attempt to connect telepathically results in laughter and shared stories.
• "Mayfact" on Hatters: Fortune's trivia segment sparks curiosity and comedic banter.
• Oscar Biopic Brainstorming: The heart of the episode, where the hosts creatively envision their life stories being portrayed at the Oscars, blending dramatic flair with humor.

Overall Tone: Light-hearted, humorous, and filled with the hosts' signature storytelling, making it an enjoyable listen for both regular fans and newcomers.

Transcript

[May Martin]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

Like, you know, to check that you go to bed early on Mondays. You want to be well rested every Tuesday morning when that new episode of Handsome drops.

[Fortune Feimster]

Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[Tig Notaro]

This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Wild Grain. Wild Grain is the first baked from frozen subscription box for artisanal breads, pastries and pastas.

[Fortune Feimster]

Let me tell you about this month's box, cuz it was a doozy. First up, I got the new croissant loaf, which is exactly what it sounds like. A loaf of bread that is also a croissant. Mind blowing. I got the raspberry lemon biscuits as a breakfast side and then the giant ginger molasses cookies for dessert. Everything baked in under 25 minutes. It was so fresh, so high quality, you have no excuse not to treat yourself to some wild grain.

[Tig Notaro]

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[Fortune Feimster]

For a limited time, Wild Grain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box, plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.com handsome to start your subscription. You heard me. Free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com handsome. That's wildgrain.com handsome or you can use promo code Handsome at checkout. Handsome Chatting with friends on the Handsome pod. Chatting with friends on the hand Handsome.

[Tig Notaro]

Cheers. Hi, it's your friend Tig Notaro on the podcast Handsome. I'm sitting here with my co host.

[May Martin]

May Martin and Fortune Feimster.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That is something you have not done before, Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Skill you have not yet showcased.

[May Martin]

I want you to learn something new about me in every episode.

[Tig Notaro]

And you can do.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, Tig, you. You can do it too.

[Tig Notaro]

That's right. May, what about yourself?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, see how it. Do it again.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow, that's even better.

[May Martin]

First, you don't succeed again.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm sorry, Fortune, can you say that quote again? I'd like to write it down.

[May Martin]

If at first you don't succeed.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, Try, try again. Try again.

[May Martin]

I came up with that all by myself, no one else.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow, that's really good.

[Fortune Feimster]

So what are you guys.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, what is shaking? Other than a lot of talent out of everybody? I was sharing how my eyesight is completely going near and far. Near and far, near and far. It is a real situation. I cannot see anything.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think you got to work on. I've been listening to the telepathy tapes, and there's. Now there's all these people who. They're blindfolded, but they can see through their mother's eyes or through their. Their. Through people's eyes.

[Tig Notaro]

I heard about this. This is a. A podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is a podcast that's so, like, paradigm shifting. That's basically scientists testing telepathy. And we should test. We should test if we're connected.

[Tig Notaro]

I thought that's what you just did when you put your hand over your eyes.

[May Martin]

Okay, what do you guys think? What. What word do you think I'm thinking right now, Cooter?

[Fortune Feimster]

I was. Are you serious?

[May Martin]

Swear to God.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you serious?

[May Martin]

I swear to you.

[Tig Notaro]

Why are you guys acting shocked? Of course that is. Fortune was thinking about. But still.

[May Martin]

It could have been biscuits. It could have been. It's. Oh, my God, May. It's rubbing off on you.

[Tig Notaro]

We are really connected.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, I'm gonna think of a number from 1 to 10 if you're listening.

[Tig Notaro]

That was the ultimate two against one. I have.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, that was actually. Yeah. Number from 1 to 10. I'm sending it to you guys. And if you're listening at home, you can also play. And I'm screaming it at you in my head.

[Tig Notaro]

God, what if nobody's listening at home?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

And this is all for nothing. Okay, take the number eight.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was eight.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I swear to God. Fortune, what number were you gonna say?

[May Martin]

Well, I did say six.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. That is not eight. It is very different from eight.

[Fortune Feimster]

I guess we're not as connected as we thought, Fortune.

[May Martin]

That's all right. You two are connected now. And that means all of us are connected.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I'm gonna do this. Fortune, what band am I thinking of? Indigo Girls, of course.

Of course.

What else would I think about? What am I always thinking about?

Closer.

[May Martin]

I am defined.

[Fortune Feimster]

Apparently. There are kids in schools, though. They're training like, it's. It's like a muscle you can exercise. And the more they practice, they're. They're getting genuinely good at, like, guessing what color cards are being held up and stuff like that.

[Tig Notaro]

Seems like we don't need to practice.

[Fortune Feimster]

Practice at all.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I mean, we got every question right. Stephanie and I went on a. A podcast where we had to do like a dating game type thing, like a Newlywed Game. And we really answered some weird questions correctly.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, you did. Thank God. Because that would be so awkward if you knew nothing about each other.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Like, one of the things was, what does Stephanie do? That is a weird habit. And I was like. I don't know if she's gonna say this or not, but when she's in the bathtub, she makes this hand. And if you wanna see it, head on over to YouTube. But she makes this hand underneath the water spout.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, like a claw shape, kind of.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, don't tell people because you'd have to go to YouTube to see what we're doing. But when the water's pouring out, she sits in the tub and does that underneath the water, like a soothing thing. Or she'll make a little cup. And she guessed that was the correct.

[May Martin]

Wow. That is. That is, of all things, an interesting one to land on.

[Tig Notaro]

It's weird. It's weird.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I've done that circle one where you. You make a circle that the stream of water is like.

[Tig Notaro]

It's a cup.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But the other one, the. This thing that you'd have to see on YouTube that.

[May Martin]

This is what I do when I speak Italian.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Italiano. That's what I am. Italiano. Notaro. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have Mayfact for you guys. Oh, I'm pretty pleased. I feel like I haven't had one in a while.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

Give it to us.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay. Hatters. Hatters, People who make hats. They used to use mercury to make the hats or some part of the process. And so a lot of them were going nuts from mercury poisoning. And that's why we get mad as a hatter or the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland, because hatters were nuts from mercury.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow. I did not know that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Isn't that crazy?

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, I'm gonna go ahead and press.

[May Martin]

Do I pretend I don't know that?

[Fortune Feimster]

You did. You know that?

[May Martin]

No, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

Be honest with me. Be honest with me. You knew.

[May Martin]

Yes, I did know that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Damn.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't believe Fortune.

[May Martin]

Why don't you put it. Shove it up your butt. Oh.

[Tig Notaro]

Ah. Okay. We just had a real technical difficulty.

[May Martin]

My bad.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Fortune.

[May Martin]

I had to put on my headset.

[Tig Notaro]

Turns out Fortune's Internet did not go back on at 10am today.

[May Martin]

No, it didn't.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it was cutting in and out. So Fortune is now in a different place in her house, but also has a plant behind her. So all is well. And old Dead eyes is snoozing up the storm.

[May Martin]

He is adorable and full of life. People at my shows now are like, tig's wrong. And I'm like, I know.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, listen. Do you think I'm saying this dog is not adorable?

[May Martin]

I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you not understand how much I love Biggie and how well I think.

[May Martin]

Biggie is Okay, now I know loves.

[Fortune Feimster]

Creatures with dead eyes.

[Tig Notaro]

And I just love creatures.

[May Martin]

You do love creatures. You protect them.

[Tig Notaro]

And I love Biggie.

[May Martin]

Hey, sweet.

[Tig Notaro]

Hey. I have no idea what we're talking about.

[May Martin]

I don't either.

[Fortune Feimster]

Mad Hatters.

[May Martin]

Oh yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sorry to get really over excited about.

[May Martin]

My made it a may fact.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, you're kind of acting like a mad hatter there.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, if you think about it that back then they wouldn't have known that that's why all the Hatters were crazy. Was the mercury. So was it just like. Oh yeah. We all know that people who make hats are nuts. And if you had to go get a hat, you'd be like, I hope I come out of this alive. Like I know.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[May Martin]

Yeah, but back then you didn't even need a reason to be upset with someone. They burned women and called them witches for no reason.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you talking about these days?

[May Martin]

No. Well, yeah, but you just go around.

[Fortune Feimster]

Slapping someone with a glove and challenging them to a duel.

[Tig Notaro]

I know. I think all the time about during the time of cavemen and women and they thems and how.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cave them. Cave them.

[Tig Notaro]

But like, like when somebody was sick, imagine somebody or in any sort of pain or like somebody starts their period or whatever it is and you don't have words or understanding for what is happening. How confusing that must have been.

[Fortune Feimster]

I guess it'd be similar to like chimps or something. Like maybe people would sort of rally around the. Or they just. If they were nomadic, they'd be like, leave them behind.

[May Martin]

They didn't go P. M. S.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, they didn't have English language, but they had acronyms for some reason.

[May Martin]

P P M M S. And it goes up on the S O M. Hormones bad.

[Tig Notaro]

Hormones bad.

[May Martin]

Very. All over the place. Suddenly they can speak.

[Tig Notaro]

Get on.

[May Martin]

Estrogen low. Anyway, that's my cave impression.

[Fortune Feimster]

You guys want one more? So I feel like my fact was slightly deflated by the technical difficulty and the fact that fortune. No, I just. I want. I got one more if you're interested, please take. Looks like she was about to say we're not interested.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I mean, we're not. But you're gonna do it anyway, so let's hear it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thanks. Okay, so, yeah, thanks. You're right, it was rhetorical, if you're interested. Anyway, so in the old days, if you were really poor, like in Victorian times, you would sell your urine to leather tanners and they would use it to tan their leather. And that's where the expression piss poor comes from. And they would also say if they're really poor, they don't even have a pot to piss in.

[May Martin]

Oh, wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

Good night, everyone.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, are you going to bed? Good night, Mae. Wow.

[May Martin]

Honk shoe. Honk. Punctu.

[Fortune Feimster]

But that's pretty good, right?

[Tig Notaro]

That's pretty good. But how did you stumble upon the mercury and the leather urine? Was it just for this episode?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I was. There was a podcast called Town and I was listening to that and the guy in it has. Has mercury poisoning that makes him crazy. And so then I was googling, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole and then I was learning about Hatters.

[May Martin]

And did you know a rabbit hole comes from rabbits going on a hole?

[Tig Notaro]

Where did you hear about this fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you sure? I thought you were going to say it comes from rabbits when you go.

[May Martin]

Down a rabbit hole.

[Tig Notaro]

Now, do you think that people going down so many rabbit holes these days, these rabbits are getting tired of all these people heading down there?

[May Martin]

I think so, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That feels like a new stand up bit for me. It's good.

[May Martin]

I feel like a tig bit.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like it's got legs.

[May Martin]

I mean, rabbit.

[Tig Notaro]

You should hop with that.

[Fortune Feimster]

You should hop with that.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm on fire.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're on fur fortune.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you write something down or are you petting me?

[May Martin]

I'm looking at Biggie. Sorry.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, that's okay.

[May Martin]

Jax has been out of town for two weeks and it's just been he and I, the two of us, and we have had quite the adventures, really Gone everywhere with me.

[Tig Notaro]

Where have you gone?

[May Martin]

A lot of shows. He's been with me to a lot of shows.

[Tig Notaro]

Does he go on stage with you.

[May Martin]

At the very end? Because, you know, he still is focused.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

Some shows he's just sat in his bag. Like at Largo, he just sat in his bag on the side of the stage and Happy asleep while I was doing my set.

[Tig Notaro]

Now, May, do you happen to know where Happy as a Clam comes from?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm glad you asked. And no. And that's crazy. I should know that. And I'm sorry.

[Tig Notaro]

Really should.

[Fortune Feimster]

Is it because they like, like when they. They look like they're smiling. Okay, we're gonna have to find out.

[May Martin]

I think it comes from the Little Mermaid. Those clams, when they were singing under the sea, seemed very happy.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, but happy as a clam has been.

[May Martin]

Sweater. Take it from me.

[Fortune Feimster]

I keep hearing innuendos and I can't stop. Like rabbit hole. It's better down where it's wetter. I can't. I can't stop.

[Tig Notaro]

The idiom likely originates which one of.

[May Martin]

Us, one of y'all should decide happy.

[Tig Notaro]

As a clam at. Because clams are safe from predators during high tide, making them happy in that state. And because they have big smiles on their face.

[Fortune Feimster]

So happy as a clam at high water.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, they're safe.

[Fortune Feimster]

So happy as a clam. Not accurate. Because a lot of the time at low water, for instance, the clams would be very distressed. Anyway.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's go to commercial.

[May Martin]

Oh, man.

[Tig Notaro]

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, you know, to check the pollen report before going on that spring hike. You want to make sure you're not sneezing the whole afternoon if you can help it.

[Tig Notaro]

Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois this episode of Handsome is brought to you by Booking.com the official accommodation partner of MLB. Booking.com Booking yeah, take me out to.

[Fortune Feimster]

New York City Take me out to Broadway Buy me some souvenir Brick a brack I don't care if I ever come back. So it's book, book, book a hotel room. If it's not the Big Apple, it's a shame. Find a room in the Village or Upper Midtown for your next vacation.

[Tig Notaro]

Stay nice May.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thanks.

[Tig Notaro]

The right stay can make you a fan of any US city. Book today on the booking.com site or app. Booking.com booking. Yeah. Booking.com wants to help make you a fan of any US city with a chance to win $1,000 in booking.com travel credit. Head to the booking.com Instagram page ooking.com and check out our sweepstakes post for more details. No purchase necessary. Eligibility requirements open to U.S. residents 18 and older. Promotion period from March 26 to April 13, 2025. All rules are available in the caption of the sweepstakes post.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

Here's how it works. You take Ollie's 32nd quiz on behalf of your dog and they'll create a customized meal plan tailored just for them. Ollie makes recommendations based on results from hundreds of thousands of other happy dogs. Ollie offers three different meal plans plus treats and supplements. Fortune's dog Biggie loves his Ollie food. I saw him in person last week and his eyes were glowing with life and happiness. Don't you want your dog to be just as joyful as Biggie?

[Fortune Feimster]

Dogs deserve the best and that means fresh, healthy food. Head to ollie.com handsome tell them all about your dog and use code handsome to get 60 off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus they offer a clean bowl guarantee on the first box, so if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's o l l ie.com handsome and enter code handsome to get 60 off your first box. So unfortunately, part of the telepathy tapes talks a lot about dogs having telepathy with their owners and like, knowing when the owner's coming home. The dog will come. Go sit by the door. But this might be a good time for you and Biggie to practice.

[May Martin]

And he's asleep right now thinking about treats.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right.

[May Martin]

He always sits by the door and waits for us to come home. We look in the camera and I, I'm like, go sleep. Go chill. But he cannot. He goes right by that door, sits and waits and howls the whole time you're gone. The whole time it snows me out.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, no.

[May Martin]

So that's why I'm taking them.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I mean, when do you ever leave him at home?

[May Martin]

I mean, you know, if you. Dinner, if you, if you go to dinner or something, you know.

[Tig Notaro]

Why would you go to dinner?

[May Martin]

I know. I don't like to leave him very much, but I do sometimes.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you ever have a dog sitter?

[May Martin]

We're never gone for longer than a couple hours. So he's okay?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

It's just. He's a spoiled boy.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Do you think I should get a dog? I'm really thinking about it. I know we talked about this before, but I am. No, I want an older dog.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you say no?

[May Martin]

I don't know. Because May travels a lot, but these.

[Fortune Feimster]

Days feels like I travel.

[May Martin]

But Jack stays home with him.

[Tig Notaro]

Why don't you get a tiny Dog.

[May Martin]

Yeah, don't get a big dog.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I like big dogs.

[Tig Notaro]

Would you get a boy or a girl?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'd get a day. Make that decision for it. Yeah, no, I'd get like a medium sized older dog that no one's gonna rescue that's in the pound or whatever. And then I would maybe have joint custody with my friend Alana.

[May Martin]

That would be good, sharing a dog.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, right.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, because you guys aren't going to break up or anything.

[May Martin]

Exactly. And you're like, oh, this week I'm going to Toronto. Can you watch?

[Tig Notaro]

And Alana wants a dog.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it wouldn't be called Foo Foo. Alana does also want a dog.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay. Well, this works out perfectly.

[May Martin]

Little bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you popping through the floors and getting and bopping them in the head.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that the final recording?

[May Martin]

No, I. There's a part that I can't remember. You guys never heard this?

[Fortune Feimster]

I've never heard that song.

[May Martin]

Oh, wait. Hopping through the forest, picking up the.

[Tig Notaro]

Field mice and bopping them on the head.

[May Martin]

Wait, Rabbit's eat something something. And then somebody comes in and they do something.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I'm into the plot. The plots hooked me, but I don't remember anymore.

[Tig Notaro]

But wait, nobody said they ate them. It said, wait, I thought they ate them on the head.

[May Martin]

Picking up the field mice and bop.

[Tig Notaro]

Them on the head.

That doesn't mean eating.

[Fortune Feimster]

But why would a rabbit do that if not to subdue it before?

[Tig Notaro]

Frustrated for everybody being down in the rabbit hole with them.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Family coming up. And be like.

[Fortune Feimster]

And also, who is the singer saying, I don't want to see you to the rabbit. You know what I mean?

[May Martin]

Well, let me look it up. The Wiggle Singer version of this. Okay. Little bunny Foo Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and popping them on the head. Down came the good fairy. And the good fairy said, little bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice and popping them on the head. I'm gonna give you three chances and then I'm gonna turn you into a goon. I don't remember Goon. Do you guys remember that?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, May isn't even familiar with.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have a lot of questions about who the Wiggle is.

[May Martin]

Australian.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know. Into another Australian tangent. Do you think they know Keith Urban?

[Fortune Feimster]

No. Oh my God. Keith Urban should cover that song though.

[May Martin]

I know. No, if you guys are in for a treat because on one of our pre little episodes we go deep into our Australian accents. It was honestly some of mine and Tig's best work. Yeah, it came out last week. If you didn't listen to that Prelo episode, I think you should, because, yes, the three of us are on there, and there might be a rendition of one of Nicole Kidman's greatest works and.

[Tig Notaro]

One of Keith Urban's greatest works as well.

[May Martin]

You're right, my friend.

[Tig Notaro]

And I would say it's one of Handsome's greatest works as an episode.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Should we get into our question?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'd love to.

[Tig Notaro]

I think we should.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm really excited. This is one of my. One of my fellow countrymen. Never use that expression. Today's Question Asker is a Canadian actor, comedian, and YouTuber known for her hilarious online videos. She's appeared on Brooklyn 99, Jury Duty, Glamorous, and Interior Chinatown. Lisa Gilroy is asking today's question.

[May Martin]

Nice.

[Lisa Gilroy]

Hi, Handsome. It's Lisa. Okay, here's my question for you. The year is 2052, and you're at the Oscars. Congratulations, honey. And there's a biopic about you and your life, and the lead actor who plays you has just been nominated for an Academy Award. And they say, so and so. Nominated for Life of so and so. And they. It cuts to the big screen at the Oscars, and it plays a clip from the movie, a dramatic clip, probably, but who knows? And so I want to know what's the clip from your life that plays and who is the actor that just got nominated for playing you?

[May Martin]

Love you.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. I can't believe she just told me that she loved me.

[May Martin]

It was four.

[Tig Notaro]

I was. I was not expecting Lisa Gilroy to tell me that she loved me.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know. And then she kissed us all.

[Tig Notaro]

She kissed? Well, no. Kissed me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh. It was just.

[May Martin]

Yeah, okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

I didn't pick up on that.

[May Martin]

No. Well, I haven't been kissed in a long time.

[Tig Notaro]

You haven't?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm coming over for it.

[May Martin]

I need some sugar.

[Fortune Feimster]

As soon as I'm back.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you know what? I kissed you on Valentine's Day. That's right. Never mind.

[May Martin]

I take it back.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

You gotta get back in person again, so.

[Tig Notaro]

I know. Delightful. If only May would come home.

[May Martin]

May come home. I'm away.

[Fortune Feimster]

Nobody liked that as much as you're.

[May Martin]

In Canada, where they're so mad at us right now. But we didn't do anything other people did.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I think I like that song I just wrote because it sounds like. What's that one? I've been out Walking. I don't do too much talking these days.

[May Martin]

These days they sound like that.

[Fortune Feimster]

I sound exactly like her.

[May Martin]

Why do they sound like that?

[Fortune Feimster]

That's just her voice.

[May Martin]

Yeah, it's no little bunny Foo foo.

[Tig Notaro]

Is there a documentary about Nico?

[May Martin]

Who is Nico?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my.

[Fortune Feimster]

She was in the 60s.

[Tig Notaro]

She was in the 60s.

[Fortune Feimster]

She was in the 60s.

[May Martin]

You know, Fortune.

[Tig Notaro]

Go down your own rabbit hole and find out all the leaves are brown.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, you just picked a random song.

[May Martin]

From I've been for a while.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, is the. Is the song all the leaves are brown and this guy is gay.

[May Martin]

And this guy is gay. Is safe and warm. If I was in la. If I wasn't California dreaming.

[Tig Notaro]

This guy is gay.

[May Martin]

On such a winner's game.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, 1952. It's the. Or not 1952. 2052. It's the Oscars.

[May Martin]

Two. That's 1852.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

That means someone old's gonna wait.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. This is.

[May Martin]

Can they play us soon?

[Fortune Feimster]

This is tough. Cuz we. It's like. Are we picking? Yeah. An actor who's never been born.

[Tig Notaro]

30 years. I'm 54.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

So what? I'm gonna be in my 80s and I have to wait that long.

[May Martin]

I'm gonna make an amendment that someone's playing me soon.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Let's pretend it's next year's Oscars and I want to know what clip they're showing, what scene. I like that part of the question from your life that. That is like the Oscar winning clip.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Let's hear it, guys. What you got?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, any thoughts on actors?

[Tig Notaro]

First of all, for me it would be Timothee Chalamet.

[May Martin]

That's a good one. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And he' I think he could do it.

[Tig Notaro]

Sure.

[May Martin]

He could nail it.

[Fortune Feimster]

He'd go Methodist for years.

[Tig Notaro]

And I kind of sing like Bob Dylan, you know?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

So how many roads was a man walk down?

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, it's Chalamet. And he's playing you at. It's your life story. So he's playing you kind of from birth to.

[Tig Notaro]

As a little girl.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then as an old lesbian.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[May Martin]

I've been dying to see him play an old lesbian.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, me too.

[Tig Notaro]

He only plays young lesbians.

[Fortune Feimster]

And what scene do you think would be like the most dramatic, pivotal scene that they would use?

[May Martin]

Yeah, give us your best Nicole Kidman level acting.

[Tig Notaro]

Nicole Kidman plays Stephanie Allen.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, that's interesting. It's Timothy Chalamet and Nicole Kidman.

[May Martin]

I like this.

[Tig Notaro]

Except it's reversed, you know, because I am older than Stephanie.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. With sort of a moment.

[May Martin]

It's a. Who cares? We can take creative license.

[Tig Notaro]

That's right. Yeah. So it's me and Nicole Kidman, and it is the moment that. I don't know. I haven't really had any dramatic moments in my life.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I'm gonna say you've had the most dramatic moments in your life.

[May Martin]

I haven't been on death's door 17.

[Tig Notaro]

Times in the past. Let's see. What I don't know. I. I'm curious. Can you guys throw out a dramatic moment for me?

[Fortune Feimster]

Our first episode?

[May Martin]

Probably one of the times you were in the hospital, right?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Like something from your dock and Stephanie's visiting.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

And you don't know if you're gonna make it. And let's see, what else? And also, the water bill has to get paid.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was thinking more about when your cat scratched you viciously.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. That's really good. My cat did scratch my stomach.

[Fortune Feimster]

And playing the cat is Judi Dench.

[Tig Notaro]

Judi Dench plays the cat because she.

[Fortune Feimster]

Remember in Cats, they did that terrible makeup and stuff. And so Judi Dench as the cat.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. We have three cats. Who plays the other two?

[Fortune Feimster]

Thomas and Thomas, his wife.

[Tig Notaro]

All right. Thomas is married.

[May Martin]

Thomas.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I know what it is. It's when I. After I was. I. I had a cyst burst on a blood vessel, and I was bleeding internally. Right after I stepped. I was on. After I had cancer, I was on this medication that my body was really struggling with. I get off stage, and my childhood friend that I had not seen since I was 18, shows up in Philadelphia with his wife. And we say hello in the lobby by the merch booth, because we were all going to go. Stephanie happened to be with me. We were all four going to go out for a drink, and I'm like. I go. And I'm a bit of a germaphobe. And Stephanie was like. I knew something was terrible, terribly wrong because I could see you. That you were about to collapse, and I could see you're looking around to see how gross the floor was before you went down.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

That is important.

[Tig Notaro]

I collapse after truly saying hello to them on the ground. This is hilarious. I'm on the ground. And because it was on a blood vessel, I was, like, struggling to breathe. Immediately, I was like, oh, Jesus. And the. The security guard carries. He go tells Stephanie, pull the car around. The hospital's two blocks away. It'll be faster for you to drive her. He carries me out the front door of the theater, and the audience is still.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

And so carried out like a baby. Several times he carries me out and.

[Tig Notaro]

Puts me in the. In the car.

[May Martin]

You're like, thanks for coming. Buy some merch.

[Tig Notaro]

I could not breathe. I was like. And I was telling Stephanie, I. If they can't. I said, if they can't see me immediately, just shoot me behind the barn. I was in so much pain. Yeah. I was like, just shoot me behind the barn. And. And so we get to the. The hospital and I went in for surgery, stomach surgery to. To drain all the blood out of me. And they were like, this will just take max 30 minutes I was in there for. Because they thought it was just a minor issue.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And I. I go in over three hours. Stephanie's sitting there waiting for me, and he comes out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Three hour surgery.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, three hour surgery.

[May Martin]

You had so many ailments.

[Tig Notaro]

And then I had to stay at the Philadelphia Airport hotel to recover because I could not do anything.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And I was in a diaper in front of. We weren't even engaged.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God. You weren't even engaged.

[May Martin]

Definitely be you in a diaper.

[Fortune Feimster]

Y. He's winning this Oscar.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yes.

[May Martin]

Oh, and your friend is played by Lynn, man. Lynn. Miranda. Manuel. Wait, Lin Manuel. Miranda.

[Fortune Feimster]

Manuel. Miranda.

[Tig Notaro]

And also Stephanie Sl. Nicole Kidman is following me around because I had to walk slowly to regain my strength.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Stephanie was following me around, videotaping me in my diaper.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

And that's when I was like, she's the one for me. We were.

[Fortune Feimster]

You got.

[May Martin]

Absolutely.

[Tig Notaro]

Anyway, way. That's.

[May Martin]

That is an Oscar winning scene right there. You want a diap?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

And Nicole Kidman's filming Timothy Chalamet in a diaper.

[Tig Notaro]

Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle. Walking around in the dark.

[May Martin]

She's like. But she's like Anna Ottoman, like. And the sun's, like, coming through the window onto her as she's, like, cutely recording. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

And she's like, you look really great.

[Tig Notaro]

And the Oscar goes to Timothy.

[May Martin]

Everybody in this.

[Fortune Feimster]

And he comes up, he gets up to accept it, and he's like, yo, I know this is not cool to say, but I tried really hard for this movie, and I'm really. I. I did my best. I. You know, Tig's one of the greats, and I wanted to be one of the greats, too. Hey, that was pretty good, Timothy.

[May Martin]

Right? That's how he really.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

That was very good.

[Tig Notaro]

And the Oscar goes to May Martin as Tig playing Tigy Chalamet.

This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Alloy Women's Health. I just found out that almost half of women went more than three years before seeking relief from menopause or perimenopausal symptoms. Why would we do that to ourselves?

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

It's spring and that means I'm itching to travel. As you know, we're traveling to Nashville and Austin for some handsome shows and I cannot wait. Those trips are going to be even more enjoyable thanks to my first class quality suitcase at an economy price tag from Quince.

[Fortune Feimster]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

That's hard to. Hard to.

[Fortune Feimster]

Very hard to top. Yeah, mine won't be that good. I already know I'm gonna bomb you.

[Tig Notaro]

Just throw a diaper on yourself in any scene.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, that's true, actually.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. And so whatever scene you tell us, we're gonna throw a diaper on it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay, well, that kind of works. It's very funny with what I was thinking, which is. Okay, so Macaulay Culkin now is playing me, obviously, because he's got this kind of like boyish energy, but also he's seen a lot. You know, he looks like he's been through a lot and.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that how you see yourself?

[Fortune Feimster]

That's how I feel.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Because you don't have a Look of like, wow. May has seen a lot. I know he's seen a lot.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't look haunted, but maybe if.

[Tig Notaro]

We threw a diaper on you.

[Fortune Feimster]

Exactly.

[May Martin]

I just went to an Oscar party.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

And he was there. And I walked out with him. We walked out at the same time. He and his wife were walking out. And he seemed very fun and playful. So it's a good match.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love that.

[Tig Notaro]

If anybody knows Macaulay Culkin.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay. And the scene is obviously an orgy. And this is how the movie opens. The movie opens with an orgy. I'm. It's Macaulay Culkin as me in a diaper. And the camera. Camera pans in and then it freezes mid orgy. And then voiceover comes in. I know what you're thinking. This seems kind of crazy or something like that. I'll write a book.

[May Martin]

Are you gonna do the voiceover like a Ferris Bueller?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

And you have to. You have to do a voiceover where you didn't write it. You're just kind of free. Yeah. Improvising the. The voiceover. Go on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hey, guys. This is the start of my movie. Looking at me now, you're probably thinking, wow, what a life. An orgy in a diaper. But what you don't know is, I'm dead side. And then it zooms in on my eyeball, and then it goes right back to my birth. And I come out of the. I come out of my mom's scooter, and then the. The doctor takes me, and then it freezes again, and it zooms in on the baby's face, and the baby's voice goes, I kind of have a crush on that doctor.

[May Martin]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

May I have good and bad news for you. I think this is more of a glad award.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, you think?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, no, I do.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, you don't think it lives up to mainstream?

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know if it's gonna take home the Oscar.

[May Martin]

Maybe we can shift it into an Oscar performance.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

How someone dies at the party and it's the orgy. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

It's your best orgies to death.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God. I just get something dramatic under a pile of people. Guys, let me out. I can't breathe. No, I think the. The drama, it's like. Like that Kieran Culkin movie that won all the awards, which I haven't seen, but think it's like a small relationshipy drama. Like nothing big has to happen. I just. It's about, you know, my inner child.

[Tig Notaro]

And life in a diaper.

[Fortune Feimster]

Life in a Diaper.

[Tig Notaro]

That's the name. Life in a Diaper. Life in a Diaper.

[May Martin]

If you want that Oscar, you gotta put that up.

[Fortune Feimster]

But I like it. We should try and get a question from Macaulay Culkin, because I do. I feel like my gender is very identified with him. Ever since. Since he was a child actor. I've been like that guy ever since he went. Exactly.

[Tig Notaro]

And then I have some news. I just saw that movie for the first time this last Christmas.

[May Martin]

Home Alone.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

What are you talking about?

[May Martin]

Oh, my gosh.

[Tig Notaro]

I had never seen it.

[May Martin]

Such a classic.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you serious?

[Tig Notaro]

Do I have to explain? I don't watch a lot of things.

[Fortune Feimster]

And what'd you think?

[Tig Notaro]

I thought it was great, but I think that I was much older when that came out. I wasn't.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

You know what I mean? Like, I. I just missed it and I was like, okay. And then my kids are obsessed with that movie. And this Christmas I sat and watched it with them and I was like, all right, yeah, you win.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's a great movie. I rewatched it this year as well, around Christmas, and I was like, oh, I forgot how crazy violent it is. But in like a Looney Tunes way. Like, yeah, yeah, I love it.

[Tig Notaro]

And aren't there, like, 17 sequels?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes, there are. Yeah. Home Alone 2 is amazing with Tim Curry and the pigeon lady. And then they switched kids and it got a little.

[May Martin]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Crazy, huh?

[Tig Notaro]

All right, Fortune break our hearts.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Well, obviously I'm gonna be played by Charlize Theron.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, obviously, we knew.

[May Martin]

Not the. Not monster. Charlize. Jerome.

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[May Martin]

Calm down, everyone. Yeah, and. And not Buzz Cut Charlie's. We're talking.

[Tig Notaro]

We know exactly. Glamorous.

[May Martin]

We're talking cider House rules, Charlize.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Curly hair. Yeah, Right? Gorgeous.

[Fortune Feimster]

Definitely gorgeous.

[Tig Notaro]

And wait, that's the end of the movie.

[May Martin]

Yeah, she's just gorgeous.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's just gorgeous.

[Tig Notaro]

For an hour and a half. She's just gorgeous.

[May Martin]

It's probably an old timey movie because she does period piece like. Like kind of that. That same era Cider House Rules.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, but it's your life story, Fortune.

[May Martin]

Yeah, but it's.

[Tig Notaro]

We're gonna pretend that, like, time period. The 80s.

[May Martin]

Yeah. No, it's gotta be like the 60s and I'm a closeted lesbian.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, but this is your life. This is your bio.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe this is like in your family tree. We're going to. It's like the prequel.

[Tig Notaro]

We see Ginger.

[May Martin]

It's actually my. It's actually My grandmother. Ah, yes, sure. But. But she's young at this point. And gorgeous. And gorgeous. I don't actually come into the movie till the very end when I'm born.

[Fortune Feimster]

And you come out two stepping.

[May Martin]

So the movie's about my grandma and. Yeah. Charlie's is. Is like trying to fit in, you know, to be the feminine woman looking for a husband.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So we're saying your grandma was. Was closeted.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Why not? Let's say it. I don't know that she was, but she was really close with one of her friends. You never know.

[Tig Notaro]

Were they, quote, unquote, travel companions?

[May Martin]

They did hang out a lot. And my grandma's husband died when she was like 48 or something and she never remarried.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. But you do know the. The phrase travel companions?

[May Martin]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, that's like.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's what they called.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Top secret lesbians.

[May Martin]

Oh. I don't think she actually.

[Tig Notaro]

This is my travel companion.

[May Martin]

I don't think she actually ever did anything, but I could see a world in which she could have been maybe. I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

But when's the diaper? When does it. Oh, because you're born and then you're putting a diaper.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

There you go.

[May Martin]

And. But, but basically Charlize is try. Is engaged to a man and then meets a woman and starts wearing pants and drives a convertible. Starts wearing pants in the 60s or 50s. Maybe it's the 50s. That was a big deal. They have a love affair. Kind of like Carol.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm picturing Carol.

[Tig Notaro]

Kind of like Carol.

[May Martin]

But it can't work because I have to be born. You know what I mean? So the only way for that to happen is for her to be with the man. And so the irony is that she had to give up her great love in order to keep the family line going for me to her gay granddaughter to be born.

[Fortune Feimster]

I've never seen her.

[Tig Notaro]

Where is the diaper? At the end.

[May Martin]

At the end. When I'm born.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[May Martin]

And then. And then. Oh, wait. That my mom has to be born first.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, no, boy.

[Fortune Feimster]

Can. Can she name her baby after her lover? That she couldn't have.

[May Martin]

She couldn't be. Exactly. May.

[Tig Notaro]

So taking this Oscar home.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Compelling.

[May Martin]

Because then, then, then the grandma's like, once. Once I get older and I'm in Umbros and. And riding my bike. She's. Charlize is like, I did this all for you so you could be who you are.

[Tig Notaro]

Are. So you could walk around in your Umbro speech.

[May Martin]

That's going to come with this. This monologue that Charlize has.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

It's gonna blow your mind. And then she's gonna die at some point and. And have a life unfulfilled.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

You're gonna aid Charlie's.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm kind of not following the story.

[May Martin]

Anymore, but it's work, but it's worth it because.

[Tig Notaro]

Thank you for. Thank you for your pitch. We will be in touch if we decide forward.

[May Martin]

Don't be a hater because I'm winning this Oscar because of the monologue I write. Charlie's.

[Tig Notaro]

What if all three of us are up for the Oscar at the same time? Our bio.

[May Martin]

Wow. Well, we are gonna also be hosting the. The Oscars. Hosting and nominated.

[Fortune Feimster]

Nominated is really.

[Tig Notaro]

And I'll be like, click, click, click. My back.

[May Martin]

Did I think my movie's actually pretty good. I want to get it made.

[Fortune Feimster]

Did I tell you guys this? When you said about top dancing. That Fred Aster when he did Singing in the Rain when they filmed that he had a fever of 103 degrees. Oh, I never knew that.

[May Martin]

That's impressive.

[Tig Notaro]

Mayfax.

[May Martin]

That's why they call it a fever dream.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sure.

[Tig Notaro]

Is it? Should we listen to. Oh, yeah. Lisa Gilroy's answer?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Let's hear what she has to say.

[Lisa Gilroy]

Okay, here's my answer. I think Chloe Grace Moretz is playing me. If I'm lucky. If I'm lucky. And the scene is absolutely me. Just like right after I found out I didn't make my college improv team. Like sobbing in my sister's car like.

[Tig Notaro]

This is it for me.

[Lisa Gilroy]

I'm never gonna zip zaps up again.

[May Martin]

Zip zaps up.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the cli. The traumatic climax of Lisa's life. That's.

[Tig Notaro]

Where is the diaper? Diaper.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Again, she's not gonna win an Oscar.

[Fortune Feimster]

For that because there's no diaper. But.

[Tig Notaro]

And she's not gonna win a Glad Award either.

[May Martin]

She wouldn't independ at Spirit Award. Maybe.

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

No, she's not. Cuz she can't zip zab Z again.

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, Chloe's pretty great as an actor's amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

And we should get her on.

[May Martin]

Isn't Chloe a lesbian?

[Fortune Feimster]

She is. Got a wife. Thank you.

[May Martin]

All the lesbians haven't been on our.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

Did they not get because we're homophobic.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, Right. I forgot that we made the rule that no lesbians allow.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And I love that. Fortune genuinely is like, no, we're not.

[May Martin]

We're crazy.

[Fortune Feimster]

We found out that Thomas is really homophobic. And he's just been filtering out all the queer.

[May Martin]

There's not one mention of us being gay ever.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's dubbed over every time we mentioned. He's like husband. Yeah.

[May Martin]

She dubs over every time I say cooter. It says wiener. Diaper love wieners.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I loved hearing that. I want to see all those movies.

[May Martin]

I'm really pumped about my movie. I can't wait for Charlize to play my grandma. I know.

[Tig Notaro]

By the way, guys, congrats ahead of time on these Oscar nominations.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Do you think. Do you think we'll get one of those fancy gift bags with the free trips?

[Fortune Feimster]

Is that what they have, free trips in the.

[May Martin]

Yeah, those gift bags. If you get nominated, you get, like, all this stuff.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, well, when I was nominated for a Grammy.

[May Martin]

Now I'm motivated.

[Tig Notaro]

When I was nominated for a Grammy.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I got a whole package. But I got tickets to see the Jackson 4.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, no.

[May Martin]

They really call themselves.

[Tig Notaro]

No, they're just the Jacksons, But.

[Fortune Feimster]

And they put that in the Grammy gift thing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And it was. It was in Vegas. And, you know, look, I really enjoyed the Jackson 5, but the Jacksons, you know, you just kind of feel like something's missing.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. And like you got this whole story of their lives in your head.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And your cyst burst inside halfway through.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I actually wasn't bleeding that time. I was just out having. Stephanie and I had a fun Vegas weekend.

[May Martin]

Oh, you went and.

[Tig Notaro]

We did go. And we went and saw the Jacksons.

[May Martin]

Amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. But it just was a feeling of something is missing.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

But anyway, talented guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, no doubt. No question.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh. When they were, their flair as kids, their. Their style, their. Everything was so off the charts, it's insane. But we all know that. Anyway, moving on. On. I want to say that was a very fun episode. And please, thanks for saying so. Yeah, absolutely. And, hey, Tig, why'd you just blow me a kiss for.

[Fortune Feimster]

Guys?

[May Martin]

One finger kiss.

[Fortune Feimster]

Is that one for me?

[May Martin]

Yeah, that's for you.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, why? I was about to go into promoting things, and. Why are you blowing kisses? You seem high.

[May Martin]

This is me from the Oscar podium.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, are you drunk again?

[Fortune Feimster]

Fortune.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune. You seem like maybe you got a hold of pina coladas again.

[May Martin]

That was fun. I think I actually do want to do another episode where I drink something.

[Tig Notaro]

I think we all should. Well, here's what I think should happen is I think we should go put this on the list. Thomas on a tropical vacation together.

[May Martin]

Oh, wait.

[Tig Notaro]

And all Three be in bikinis, sitting. Come on, man.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. We would have bikini bottoms. We have bikini bottom.

[May Martin]

What if we had.

[Tig Notaro]

What if Fortune's got the jug? So Fortune has to wear a bikini top.

[May Martin]

I've got the jug.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

What if we had a handsome cruise?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, that we should talk about with.

[Tig Notaro]

The Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge of.

[May Martin]

The gayest cruise ever. I would love it.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, but wait. We have to go back and really acknowledge how funny it is that Fortune has the jugs of the trio. Oh, my gosh. I cannot even explain what Fortune just did with her jugs.

[May Martin]

I don't think I've ever done that in my life.

[Tig Notaro]

I hope that it never happens again.

[May Martin]

Fortune Marie.

[Tig Notaro]

Time that was says something.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, so listen, what I was gonna say before Fortune got trashed and started blowing kisses and man, handling her jugs.

[May Martin]

That's what I do when I win the Oscar. One finger kiss to both of you.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

To the loser nominees.

[Tig Notaro]

Your tickets to our live stream on April 12th. Okay. Austin is going to be the show that has the surprise for Fortune and May I am presenting a surprise to them. So you for sure don't want to miss this live stream. April 12th. Get your tickets. And I promise you this surprise is going to be off the charts.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

And you can watch from anywhere in the world. And the link lasts for one week.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

So go to our social media pages or dynastytypewriter.com and join us. It's going to be a party.

[May Martin]

My tour is starting April 4th. A whole new hour show I'm doing. I started in Savannah, Georgia, then Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Columbus, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City. So many places.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm going to be in eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14. And then you can also find me. Well, I'll be in P Town August 23rd and then the documentary that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, which won Sundance and then now just won the Boulder International Film Festival as well as the top favorite film of both of these festivals. It's insane. This movie is going to very select festivals, but you should for sure check this movie out. It is so absolutely beautiful. Also check tignotaro.com for local shows in LA or maybe even Toronto. When I go back, I'll be working out my new stuff. And that's what's going on with me.

[Fortune Feimster]

I am@largo April 25th in LA and. But I'm popping up. Check. Check my social media and then Also, check out maymartinmusic.com and stream my album, please. My earnest Serious music album on Spotify or Apple Music. It's really exciting. Then people are sharing it.

[Tig Notaro]

That's great.

[May Martin]

Love it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And definitely share episodes with friends. And look, I know we talk about this, but really, stop what you're doing right now, now. And subscribe.

Hit subscribe.

Subscribe to us.

Also, subscribe to YouTube so you can.

See Fortune man handling her own knockers.

[May Martin]

Knocker. I don't even know her.

[Tig Notaro]

And until next time.

[Fortune Feimster]

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us@handsome podgmail.com and please follow us on social media at Handsome Pod.

[May Martin]

What a. What a podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a podcast. That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, you know, to check and make sure your oven is preheated before throwing in that pizza. You want that pie to be as crispy as possible.

[Fortune Feimster]

Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[F]

Hey, I'm Wayne Brady. And I'm Jonathan Mangum. And we're two big improv nerds who get a chance to play and make stuff up on shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or let's Make a Deal Anyway.

[Fortune Feimster]

And we're now hosting a new improvised.

[Tig Notaro]

Show called what if on the Headgum Podcast Network.

[F]

And on what if? We believe that improvisation is a conversation. So we get to have conversations with guests from the worlds of tv, film, tech, and literature. Guests like Bobby Moynihan, Aisha Tyler, Levar Burton, and Adam Conover. We ask them the big ridiculous questions like, what if you hurt a monkey's feelings?

[Fortune Feimster]

What if your grandma was a secret agent?

[F]

What if Jonathan was invited to the cooking? And then we turn the conversation into spontaneous scenes songs. Well, because that's what we do.

[Fortune Feimster]

Subscribe to what if on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch episodes on YouTube.

[F]

No script, no net, Just what if.