Patton Oswalt asks about mythical creatures

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Handsome" – Patton Oswalt Asks About Mythical Creatures

Podcast: Handsome
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Episode Date: July 28, 2026
Special Guest/Question Asker: Patton Oswalt
Theme: What mythical creature or urban legend would you most want to be proven real?

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the "Handsome" crew – Tig, Fortune, and Mae – tackle a question from comedian Patton Oswalt: "If you could choose one urban myth or cryptid to be proven real, which would you pick?" The trio, known for their warm camaraderie and offbeat humor, dig into the lore of cryptids, reflect on childhood fascinations, share personal stories of being duped (and of minor vehicular mishaps), and spiral into deep and often hilarious tangents — from Loch Ness Monster logistics to the perils of submarines and the curse of ancient pharaohs.

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Main Discussion & Key Moments

1. Catching Up: Life, Travel, and Mishaps

Timestamps: 03:06 – 22:00

• Mae in Palm Springs & Idlewild

  • Mae describes visiting Idlewild, noting how queer the town feels with "rainbow flags everywhere," but says: “Would you relocate?” — “Absolutely not. It’s a little too quiet. And if there was a big lake, maybe, but I like to jump in a big lake.” [04:01]

• Tig in Colorado

  • Tig paints a vivid picture of visiting Colorado, surrounded by forest fires but still loving the mountain life: “It’s such a bummer. It’s so sad what’s taking place on our planet, but it’s so good to be out here and experiencing the outdoors and all the cool mountain folk.” [05:32–06:06]
  • Heartfelt story about her mother’s resilience after a car accident and her quirky use of medical screws as olive picks: “She had these long, thin screws that went into each toe, and when she got them out, she used them for olives, for martinis... She’d go, ‘Oh yeah, those are in my toes.’” [08:04]

• Fortune’s World Cup Adventures

  • Fortune recounts going to World Cup games with Will Ferrell: “Will and I turned into like 12-year-olds where we’re like, oh my God! Oh my God! And losing our minds. We got so giddy about being on a Jumbotron.” [13:37]
  • Remarks on how public figures like Ferrell can't go unrecognized in public: “He is living a very different life than most people. He is so recognizable.” [15:36]

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2. Scams and Mishaps: Self-Doubt and Human Error

Timestamps: 22:02 – 40:44

• Mae’s Parking Lot Saga

  • Mae shares an anxiety-ridden story about crunching her car against a wall and dealing with a woman who tries to extort her: “‘You almost ran over my foot!’ ... Then she starts saying, ‘You ran over my foot.’ ... She stands in front of the car, starts yelling for her brother Armando, and tries to get cash from me.” [24:36–27:28]
  • Mae reflects on the rattling self-doubt these situations cause: “Part of me, there’s like the 1% in my brain that’s like, did I run over her foot?” [27:28]

• Tig’s Embarrassing Scam Story

  • Tig confesses to being scammed by fake tech support years ago: “I called the number...and so I paid...Thank you so much, I want to get my assistant this protection, I want to get my wife this protection…” [29:31]
  • She’s subsequently barred from ‘pushing buttons’ at home: “Stephanie was like, you’re not allowed to answer the phone, you’re not allowed to get on your computer…because anytime I turn the TV on, the whole house blows up.” [31:41]
  • She pokes fun at her own gullibility: “What is wrong with me? People thought I was cool. I smoked. ...I think it’s a power and a weakness.” [32:20, 32:54]

• Reflection on Being Fooled

  • The group agrees that it’s hard to accept when someone blatantly lies for self-interest: “It’s pretty rare that someone is, like, blatantly lying to you confidently like that.” (Mae) [33:14]

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3. Audience Question: What Mythical Creature or Urban Legend Would You Want to Be Real? (Patton Oswalt)

Timestamps: 41:12 – 62:00

Patton’s Question

• Patton Oswalt (41:16):
  • “If there was an urban myth or cryptid that could be proven to be real and exist and true, what would you want to be proven to be real?”

Defining Terms & Childhood Fascination

• What’s a Cryptid?
  • Mae (44:05): “A cryptid is like, a zoological marvel that people always say is real, like a giant squid, or Kraken, or Sasquatch, Loch Ness Monster.”
  • Fortune admits, “I have to admit, I’d never heard 'cryptid.'” [44:01]
• Tig’s Childhood with Bigfoot:
  • “I just remember as a kid being in the woods and always, always looking for Bigfoot or looking for prints on the ground…” [48:06]
  • Tig’s childhood checklist: “Quicksand, Bigfoot, all of that stuff. When Huckleberry Tig was out in the woods, I was always on the lookout.” [48:26]

Creature Picks and Debate

• Tig’s Pick:

  • “This is probably the biggest one: Bigfoot. I mean, how fun would it be? Or Loch Ness Monster.” [45:15]

• Mae’s Picks:

  • Suggests Atlantis: “Maybe Atlantis would be cool to discover. Something that doesn’t fit with the paradigm of history…an underwater city.” [49:38]
  • Also mentions fascination with Japanese kitsune (sexy fox spirits): “They’re shapeshifters, tricksters, playful, always falling in love with humans…” [50:28]

• Fortune’s Picks:

  • Urban legends intrigue: “I heard at a comedy club...a road that has a dip—if you park your car there, something will carry it up the hill. That would be cool if it was real.” [51:30]
  • “Alligators in the sewer system... especially, like, New York. Why not? Let’s spice things up down there.” [52:42]
  • “The Curse of the Pharaohs” — the supposed curse on anyone who disturbs Egyptian tombs. (Very elaborate “from memory”—delightful group ribbing here.) [53:48–56:35]

• Tangents:

  • Difference between lakes, lagoons, and bayous (with delightful confusion and Wikipedia searches). [45:48–47:57]
  • Submarine phobias: “I cannot imagine getting into a submarine.” (Tig) [56:51]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If I found Bigfoot: Probably hide behind a tree and peek and just observe. Take some notes on my clipboard. Who’s the nerd now, Pat?” (Tig, 59:49)
• “Would you date a mermaid?” (Tig, 61:10)
  • Mae: “Yeah, I would.”
  • Fortune: “Not much of a water gal, so it’s not for me.”

Patton Oswalt’s Own Answer

[60:00]

• “I don’t know why, but I would really, really love it if the Loch Ness monster was real…I think that would be really cool if there was just this giant, giant dinosaur that managed to find a way to live in a lake in Scotland. There’s something very beautiful about that. So my choice is the Loch Ness monster. All right. Keep your heads about you.”

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4. Playful Wrap-up

Timestamps: 61:14 – end

• The group riffs on dating mermaids, the logistics of aquatic romance, and finally reflects on how bizarre and funny the conversation became.
• Tig closes with a call to listeners: “If you are a Handsome listener that is a public figure and you have a question for us, send it in!” [62:06]

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Notable Quotes & Highlights

• On being scammed:
  • “Stephanie heard me take a call... She comes in: ‘What are you doing?’ ...She was like, ‘They’re about to rob you again!’” (Tig) [30:53]
• On urban myths:
  • "There are species deep in the ocean that we don't know... Prehistoric aquatic dinosaurs." (Mae, on Loch Ness Monster) [45:35]
• On the childlike search for mystery:
  • “When Huckleberry Tig was out in the woods, I was always on the lookout.” (Tig) [48:26]

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------------|------------| | Catching Up: Life, Travels, Mishaps | 03:06-22:00| | Mae’s Car Story & Scams | 22:02-40:44| | Patton’s Mythical Creature Question Introduced | 41:12 | | Defining ‘Cryptid,’ Child Myths, Creature Debate | 44:05-56:35| | Patton’s Answer (Loch Ness Monster) | 60:00 | | Mermaids, Wrap-up, Listener Call-Out | 61:10–end |

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Summary

This episode perfectly delivers the “Handsome” blend: personal storytelling, vulnerability, unfiltered group banter, and wild detours—anchored by the childlike wonder of "what if monsters were real?" The answers are thoughtful yet hilarious, favorites oscillating from Bigfoot to mermaids to the Curse of the Pharaohs. Along the way, listeners get to know the hosts not just through jokes, but through their confessions, anxieties, and oddball histories, making even cryptids feel personal. Patton Oswalt’s question is the perfect excuse for nostalgia, comedy, and light geekery—plus, a chorus of mutual encouragement for believing in a stranger world, if only for a moment.

Transcript

[May Martin]

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[May Martin]

chatting with friends on the handsome pod. Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

[Tig Notaro]

Cheers.

[Fortune Feimster]

Welcome to the handsome pod.

[Tig Notaro]

Hi, Fortune, it's Tig.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hi, Tig, it's Fortune.

[Tig Notaro]

Hi. Who else do we have here?

[May Martin]

Hey, guys. It's maybe.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hey, May.

[Tig Notaro]

How are you guys?

[May Martin]

How are you guys?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. What is up? You were in Palm Springs?

[May Martin]

I was in Palm Springs for a night and then I went to Idlewild for the first time.

[Fortune Feimster]

How was that?

[Tig Notaro]

Did you see my. My hair and makeup artist?

[May Martin]

I. I bet I did. I bet I. I bet I passed her. It's so nice up there. It's very queer. I couldn't believe it.

[Tig Notaro]

How queer? What was going on?

[May Martin]

Just rainbow flags everywhere. A lot of keep it. Handsomes coming at me. Oh, really?

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah, it's nice up there.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow. Would you relocate?

[May Martin]

Absolutely not.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it's a little too quiet.

[May Martin]

Yeah, it's a little too quiet. Yeah. And if there was a big lake, maybe, but I like to jump in a big lake.

[Tig Notaro]

You know, if your house falls off the cliff, you could just put it on a trailer and drive it up to Idlewild.

[May Martin]

Just park the trailer.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

That's a good idea. Putting my house on a trailer. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. It's one of the best ideas.

[May Martin]

Where are you right now?

[Tig Notaro]

I'm in Colorado.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, nice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yep. There's been a lot of. It's really crazy. I mean, I'm. I'm surrounded fully by fires in like every. Oh, really? Oh, my God. But for like, mile. You know, it's like miles away, but completely surrounded by fires. And there's massive windstorms. So that's why my Internet was out yesterday and today. But. But all is all right. You know, it's just always a pleasure to be in the mountains. But luckily there's no. It's far enough away where, you know, there's no smell of fires or anything like that.

[May Martin]

It's scary, though, when you look at the map on your phone or something and you just see the fire emojis all around you.

[Tig Notaro]

It is truly that kind of situation. Yeah. And Colorado had its, I think, driest. Driest winter since, I think, 1981.

[May Martin]

Oh, geez. Oh, no.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it's just. It's such a bummer. It's so sad. What's. You know, what's taking place on the planet, but on our planet. On our sweet, sweet planet. But it's so good to be out here and experiencing the outdoors and all the cool mountain folk and the cool music coming out of different places. And I just love. I mean, I love Denver. I love all of the different places that I get to go in Colorado. Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It's your happy place.

[Tig Notaro]

It really is.

[May Martin]

I mean, it's so nice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Did you always have a connection with it? When did that start?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, my mother went to college. My mother and father. Actually, I don't think my. Did my father go. He went to Southern Mississippi. University of Southern Mississippi. So did my mother. That's where they met. My mother also went to college here in Colorado. She was in a crazy car accident where she went through the windshield and was in a coma. Yeah.

[May Martin]

In college.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Holy shit.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, they took the guy, the driver to the hospital and then realized later there was somebody else in the car. Went back and found my mother.

[Fortune Feimster]

Holy cow.

[May Martin]

She was just unconscious on the road.

[Tig Notaro]

I. I think in a ditch.

[May Martin]

Holy.

[Tig Notaro]

And, yeah, she was in a coma and broke a lot of bones in her body. And she was such an athlete and a dancer, and like, even, like a. She did fancy dives, like, high dives. And my mother couldn't lift her arm very high as long as I knew her. And so she would dive. Like, she'd do her fancy dives, but she'd have, like, rickety body doing it. Oh, my God. And from that accident. Yeah. Like, she didn't have any meat on her shoulder on her. On her right shoulder. And so she would just. It was just bone and on your shoulder. And then she. She broke all of her toes. And they put these long, thin screws in each toe. And. And then when that. I mean, that isn't all she broke. I mean, she broke her leg. I mean, she was a mess. And. But she. I mean, I am my mother's daughter, but she. She had these long, thin screws that went into each toe, and when she got them out, she used. She used them for olives, for martinis. When. When she would have. When she would have people over and. And people would be like, oh, my gosh, Susie, this is such a great idea with the screw in the olive. And she'd go, oh, yeah, those are in my toes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my. They're like, yeah,

[Tig Notaro]

but she also saved the. Like, you guys. She saved the. The vomit and bed trays.

[May Martin]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

What?

[May Martin]

And how long was she in hospital for?

[Tig Notaro]

For a while, I think.

[May Martin]

Months, you know, Weeks.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And she is Those for hors d' oeuvres and nuts and snacks.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God. You. You are cut from the same cloth.

[May Martin]

Yeah. And I think that anecdote says so much about your mom. Like, that is so funny.

[Tig Notaro]

She just. She did funny, wild things, and she was a funny, wild thing. Like, she hitchhiked in Colorado in a blizzard, got in a pickup truck that had no windshield in it. She and she and her best friend, Tina, who was my godmother when I hitchhiken.

[Fortune Feimster]

You picked up hitchhikers?

[Tig Notaro]

That's right. And I remember my godmother, Tina, got me shoelaces when I was really little. That just said bullshit all over them.

[May Martin]

A toddler with bullshit.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's so good.

[Tig Notaro]

But anyway, so that's that. And my father lived in Denver years ago, I think maybe when I was alive, but I don't know. He was hard to track. And then my brother went to school out here. I moved out here as soon as I dropped out of high school. And we just have a lot of connections and old friends and in Denver, Fort Collins, Gunnison, all these different areas and so, anyway, that's awesome. Breckenridge. A lot of. A lot of different places. And it just. Yeah, it feels really good pulling into the mountains and having the mountain mama. Yes, my heart. And it's just also so fun to see Max and Finn and Stephanie really take to it, because Stephanie had absolutely no connection. And she is serious mountain mama, man.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, really.

[Tig Notaro]

And those little cubs. Yeah, they love it. And mountain biking and kayaking, rafting, it's just like. It's such a great summertime. People think of Colorado for winter, but it is top notch summertime getaway.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

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[Tig Notaro]

Anyway, that's what I'm up to.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love this for you guys.

[Tig Notaro]

I love you, too. And so what else?

[May Martin]

I see your yellow background fortune.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

You're.

[May Martin]

You're in the South.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm in the old South. Yeah, I. This week's been really fun. I. I got to go to two of the World cup games.

[May Martin]

So many people messaged me saying, peanut butter bitch was on TV in y'.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

All.

[Fortune Feimster]

I made it on television. Kind of a big deal. Well, the first game I went to was in la.

[Tig Notaro]

I hope our numbers go up, and I hope your star meter goes up through the roof.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, Thomas, my star meter is low right now.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, because I was with Will Ferrell, so his star meter went up high and I was his sidekick.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay.

[May Martin]

And he was dressed in character.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right. He Wore his Hawk 132.

[Tig Notaro]

You're at 132 for.

[May Martin]

It worked.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was like 4,000 a week ago.

[Tig Notaro]

Everybody was like, what's that gender?

[May Martin]

It worked.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I went to the game, the USA game with him, and he's so fun to go to sports with because he loves sports. And I really love sporting events too. I get so into it. And he. Our seats were down. You know, a lot of the celebrities like him are in these boxes away from everybody. But he likes to be in the mix. So we were in the. In surrounded by all these people, and so they were like doing the camera to these different celebrities in the boxes. And he had his hawk hat on because to, to promote our TV show for Netflix. And nobody knew he was like, the camera guys didn't know he was sitting there. So he kept yelling at the camera guy, trying to get his attention. We all started yelling at the camera guy. Finally the guy looked up at him and saw him and gave him a wink. And we're like, okay, well, got a wink. We'll see what happens. So later in the second half, they start going around showing different people in the stadium. And they were showing like, Leonardo DiCaprio and like all these different people. And then the, and then I said, well, the camera guy's looking at you. I said, get ready. So it came on me and Will and our whole section starts going nuts because all of us had worked hard to get the camera attention. So we're jumping up and down and I'm pointing at the hawk hat and he's doing the hawk thing. And they put it on tv. And so my phone just started blowing up because I, you know, it's the World cup. Like, I, I, yeah, everyone and their mother is watching this thing. And it was funny. But Will and I turned into like 12. You know how like 12 year olds get pumped when the cameras, the Jumbotrons on them. We turned into those 12 year olds where we're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And losing our minds. And so it was really funny just seeing us get so giddy about being on a Jumbotron.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, and it must be exciting for him just to finally get camera time.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know.

[May Martin]

Finally get noticed. And America won. Right. So were people.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, they, they lost in the last five seconds.

[May Martin]

Oh.

[Fortune Feimster]

But it didn't, it didn't affect anything. Because they were already won the round. But man, he is beloved. He. At halftime it. I said we'll get ready. And I look up, there is a line of people all the way up the stairs. A lot of kids just. He basically it turned into a meet and greet him taking pictures for the entire halftime. So I was like I'm going to go get us drinks and hot dogs

[May Martin]

and that's so nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

I just left him be. And he basically did a meet and greet for everybody and. And then, you know, walking to his car afterwards is. I mean he's been in so many things for so many years and he's six four. What? He's so tall.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And so our whole. We walk. You walk through all the parking lots for like 20 something minutes. It's just like one person out there. Will Ferrell. Wolf Earl. You know, you're my boy blue or like. Yeah, whatever, whatever. Quote, you know, more cowbell.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was like, he is living a very different life than most people. He is just so recognizable. But yeah, it was a blast. Yeah. I had so much fun. And then I got to go to another World cup cup game in Atlanta to watch the Congo. They won. That was an incredible game.

[May Martin]

Oh my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

So fun having this huge tournament here in our.

[Tig Notaro]

That's incredible.

[May Martin]

I should go see a game. I just like to see it up close on TV where you can.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really fun too. Yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

I should go see.

[Fortune Feimster]

But these fans from all countries are so passionate and so I really wish I could see an Argentina. Yeah. Because their fans are on unbelievably excited. It's. You get wrapped up in that energy. Like everyone's got drums and they're cheering and the sections are full of people. They go nuts. It's like the coolest like fandom.

[May Martin]

I have an Argentinian friend called Martina and this year she was like, you know, this year I can't. Like it's so much effort and energy. Like I'm just not going to get into the World cup this year. And then I just saw an Instagram story of her like. Like at this huge party with a drum and everyone's going nuts.

[Fortune Feimster]

You can't help it. It's. It's scored.

[May Martin]

He scored six goals already in the. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Now has Abby still maintained the highest scoring?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know.

[May Martin]

Was she the highest.

[Tig Notaro]

Like I thought she was the highest all time soccer player of out of men and women or.

[Fortune Feimster]

I really don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

Is it just Abby and Pele that I know about?

[May Martin]

I want to know that's crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

She has the most for overall international goals out of men or women.

[Fortune Feimster]

Nice.

[May Martin]

I did not know that. That's absolutely insane.

[Fortune Feimster]

Abby is incredible to watch. Oh, my God. That was like. Abby was just like a. Like a clinch player. Like, it would be like they needed one goal to win. You're down, down to the wire and just somehow it always just like be there.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Bam.

[May Martin]

It's incredible.

[Fortune Feimster]

So fun to watch. That team was incredible with Megan Rapinoe and Tobin Heath and Carli Lloyd. I mean, just watching them was, I mean, such, such a unique team. So, I mean, we've had so many great teams in the women's and the men's, the US Men's teams, so much better this, this time, too.

[May Martin]

Well, we might notice Thomas looking distracted at some point because Canada's playing in about 15 minutes. Thomas is going to have it up in a little corner.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're recording a little ahead of time. Be it because of summertime. Yeah. So as of this airing, a lot of. A lot may have changed in the World Cup.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So just know we're a little ahead at the moment.

[Tig Notaro]

And it's Ginger into it.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, she's not. She. I mean, she loves it. There's like a cool thing going on. She loves that I'm into it, but she's never been. She's. I mean, she's grown up with us taking us to all these sporting things.

[Tig Notaro]

She's grown up.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's grown up. We've grown up with her taking us to sporting events.

[Tig Notaro]

It's been such a pleasure watching Ginger growing up.

[May Martin]

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I packed the right clothes when I go out on the road now, I have a fashion dilemma on my hands. I accidentally packed five pairs of jeans and zero T shirts for a week away from home. And now I'm gonna have to do some emergency shopping.

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[Fortune Feimster]

do anything for him. He is the best.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[May Martin]

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[May Martin]

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[May Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, she's one of those people that if you're like, hey, come, let's go do this thing.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

She'd be like, great, let's go.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like she's not, you know, seeking it out. Right?

[May Martin]

Guys, I, I said in the last recording I wanted to tell you about something that happened with my car.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh yeah.

[May Martin]

And I've processed it a little more now.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh no. Is it a traumatic thing that.

[May Martin]

Well, so I. And I'm. And I'm back on the road. Let's just Start there. And I drove to Idlewild and everything, but.

[Tig Notaro]

Was your H stuck?

[May Martin]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

What?

[May Martin]

Half.

[Fortune Feimster]

How do you do it?

[May Martin]

Was that a broken horn?

[Tig Notaro]

I guess. But you know, when it won't shut off, it's so funny.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

No. What happened was. And. Yeah. Maybe you can advise. Well, so I was dropping off some film to get developed at, like, a strip mall. And so there's a little outdoor parking lot.

[Tig Notaro]

Sure.

[May Martin]

And I park. And then I. I'm leaving. And I guess I'm like, I wasn't distracted or anything. And. And there's in my periphery, the. A parked car. And I guess I judged where the exit to the little parking lot was based on that car. And I didn't realize there was a concrete wall jutting out.

[Tig Notaro]

Little cowboy.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, no. Little Cowboy.

[May Martin]

The Titanic on an iceberg. I crunched the entire side of my car, like. Like, destroyed my. And I mean, I was going so slowly, too.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

But I didn't know what was happening.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I kind of turned into the wall.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Like, the corner of my car just hit the snow.

[Tig Notaro]

And driving like that.

[May Martin]

But it gets worse.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the worst. When you're. It's, like, happening and you. And you. If it's like time slows down, but you can't stop it. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Getting out of it or going into it.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're.

[Tig Notaro]

You're still scraping and grinding.

[May Martin]

Because I was trying to reverse, and it was just digging deeper.

[Tig Notaro]

Cowboy. Tiniest little cowboy.

[May Martin]

There was a man standing there who kindly told me, hey, how to drive. You hit something with your car. I was like, I know. And so I stayed really calm, and I got out of the. I was like, I better look at the damage. And I get out of the car, and then this woman comes. Pops up out of nowhere. Like, she kind of. I. I see her in my periphery, and she goes. She's like, what the. And I'm like, yeah, I hit the. I hit the one. She goes, you almost ran over my foot. And I said, oh. I said, I'm so sorry. I. I didn't. Where were you? I didn't. Because she had not been there.

[Tig Notaro]

She goes.

[May Martin]

And then within five minutes, she starts saying, you ran over my foot. Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

I said, you almost did. And then she said, you did.

[May Martin]

Then she said, I did. And she's walking.

[Fortune Feimster]

She recognized you. Some fun.

[Tig Notaro]

And I knew that voice anywhere.

[May Martin]

So I. I said, I'm. I was so confused and rattled, but I'm, like, really calm. And she's getting more and more hyped up. And she's going, what the. She said, you're up. She goes, I said, I know. I'm really upset.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

I said, I'm. I'm. I'm really upset.

[Tig Notaro]

That was this woman, maybe 30s, troublemaker.

[May Martin]

I start to realize, like, something's up with this woman, right? And I said, I'm so sorry. I'm confused. And I'm, like, looking her in the eye. I said, did I. Did I hit your body? Like, did I? And she won't answer. She won't lie directly to my face, but she keeps going, you're. And then she stands in front of my car. She says, you're not leaving. Then she starts going, armando.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, not Armando.

[Tig Notaro]

Armando.

[May Martin]

And I'm like, he was there, too. She goes, I'm calling my brother.

[Fortune Feimster]

And what's Armando gonna do?

[May Martin]

Well, kill me, I guess.

[Tig Notaro]

About to find out.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Armando's in the Mafia.

[May Martin]

So I'm looking around. I'm like, I'm. And then I see this old lady in a car that's parked near me, and she's looking at me, and she's going like that. And I'm like, what? And I go, did I hit her? And she goes, no. She goes, get back in your car. Drive away. And I'm like, okay. And then I said to the woman, hey, this lady says, I didn't hit you. Then the old lady's pissed at me for riding her out, and she just rolls up her. Roll the window, drives away.

[Fortune Feimster]

Lady's giving you the bird. Yeah. So she's a mess.

[May Martin]

I know. So she's.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, the woman said, you're messing up.

[May Martin]

Yeah. And then I. I said to the woman, okay, I. I said, you can't just block me in here. I said, let's check the security cameras.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

You know, And I said, point. I said, do you want me to. I can call the police. She goes, no, I'm calling them. I'm calling them. Then we both make fake phone calls to the cops because neither of us want to call them. So I make a fake. I go, hi.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hi.

[May Martin]

Is this police? There's a woman blocking her. She goes, yep, police are on their way. She doesn't even say anything.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow. And you both are doing this. Fingers

[Tig Notaro]

crazy.

[May Martin]

She's starting to seem pretty strong.

[Tig Notaro]

But, like, the way she looked. Oh, she seems strung out, like, on drugs.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's just waiting for someone to smash into a brick wall so that this could happen.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Like, she doesn't seem.

[Tig Notaro]

Here comes little cowboy.

[May Martin]

Like an unhoused person. Like she seems, you know, she's got her phone, but she's her. She's pretty manic.

[Fortune Feimster]

And did Armando ever come over?

[May Martin]

Well, so she's yelling at Armando. Then she says to me, you got to go to an ATM and cash me out.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I'm like, I knew it. So I knew this was coming.

[May Martin]

And so I'm like, what do I do? Because part of it, there's like the 1% in my brain that's like, did I run over her foot?

[Fortune Feimster]

And then I gave her $5,000 and.

[May Martin]

But you wouldn't be walking on your foot if you ran over. And she. I keep saying to her, I. What's interesting is that she won't lie to my face because I, I said, can you look me in the eye and tell me, did I hit you with my car? And she, she won't say that I did. She's just blocking the car. And then I said, okay, I'm going to park. And part of me is like, give me your. I said, if you want to give me your Venmo. I said, I'm not going to go to the ATM if it's going to take a hundred dollars for you to get out of my way. And we can both go on our days, like, fine. And she still is blocking the way and going, armando. And I'm like, armando will kill me. I don't know who he is or if he real. And then so I said, I'm just gonna park. And she went, turned her back for one second, and I just reversed and I went out the other exit of the place and thank God my car was still functioning, but it's all destroyed. I was like, shaking. And then I got home, and then I've had to put my car in the shop and stuff, but I was like, I, I. What is that about? Have you had that where someone trying to get money out of you?

[Fortune Feimster]

I, I mean, I'm sure that's a thing.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, I told you how I got bamboozled on my.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, you did?

[May Martin]

No. Who'd you get bamboozled by?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I. I didn't tell you how there's a rule in our house that I'm not allowed to push buttons anymore. I don't.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't think you did. This is not something.

[Tig Notaro]

Thomas, you remember this? When I got bamboozled. This is a long time ago, but

[Fortune Feimster]

we didn't talk about it on the pod. Right.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, well, it's embarrassing, but I'll share. Was a long time ago, probably a decade or so. And I was on my computer, and it froze, and this message popped up and said, you've been hacked. Call this number and we can.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh.

[Tig Notaro]

And I was like. I was like, oh, gosh. And so I called the number, and they were like, you know, if you pay us this, we can get your

[Fortune Feimster]

phone with your computer.

[Tig Notaro]

And so I paid, and I was so. I was like, thank you so much. I want to get my assistant this protection. I want to get my wife this protection. And so. So I. I was. Thomas was my assistant at the time, and he was helping me do something with my. With my money because clearly I needed help with that. And he was like, tig, what is this payment here? And I was like, oh, I meant to tell you. I want to get you this protection. And he was like. He Googled the company. He goes, this is a scam. This is not.

[Fortune Feimster]

They.

[Tig Notaro]

They robbed you. And I was like, what? And. And so I told Stephanie about it. And then you guys. I don't know if it's good that I'm announcing this to the world, but I've changed. I am not, as.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're not gullible anymore.

[Tig Notaro]

No. And so Step hears me take a phone call, which is the bamboozling company calling to see if I'm happy with their. Their product. And I was like, how dare you? I was like, I found out you guys robbed me. I want my money back. And then they. The guy says, man, we didn't rob you, but we're happy to refund your money. Just open your website. Your own bank account. And so I'm in my office, and I'm like, on the computer, and I'm like, no, no, no. Stephanie overhears me in the office. She comes in. She goes, what are you doing? And I was like, this is that company. I told them that we caught them and that they. And. And. And they're gonna refund my money. And she goes, close your bank account. She was like, they're about to rob you again. I go, no, no, no. They're refunding me the money. And she was like, hang up the phone. And I was like, oh, my God. You're trying to rob me again.

[Patton Oswalt]

And then.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then he's like, I'm so sorry. We'll return your money. Go back your bank account. Open your.

[Tig Notaro]

Your bank account.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hilarious.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then after that happened, Stephanie was like, you are not allowed to push any buttons in this house. You're not allowed to answer the phone. You're not allowed to answer the door. You're not allowed to get on your computer. You can't turn the TV on, because anytime I turn the TV on, the whole house blows up. And so it's a rule that's been in our family for a decade now that I'm not allowed to push buttons.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's so. He's like, oh, I'm so sorry. You definitely take care of me.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, absolutely.

[May Martin]

So, like, galling, talking to someone going, you're. You're robbing me. And they're.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Like, it is so.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it's so crazy. And it's also like, what is wrong with me? It's like, yeah, I'm the person that people thought was cool. I smoked. I. You know what I mean? Like, I can.

[May Martin]

Like bamboozling me.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, you're.

[Fortune Feimster]

You've lied to me again.

[Tig Notaro]

But I have this weird part of my personality where I can sniff out certain things that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You know, like, I feel like I have an extra sense, but then I also have a problem. I think it.

[Fortune Feimster]

It.

[Tig Notaro]

I think it's a power and a weakness. Sometimes it seems that often I just take people for face value, and if people tell me something, see, I probably shouldn't be saying this, or you don't.

[May Martin]

Like, you wouldn't assume ill.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't think there's another agenda, but

[May Martin]

it's pretty rare that someone is, like, blatantly lying to you confidently like that. It's so hard to sniff that out because you're. You would just never assume that someone's just blatantly lying.

[Tig Notaro]

Right. But then there's certain people and personality types or behavior where I'm like, I don't like that. You know what I mean? But then somebody calls, just bamboozles me. I mean, if Stephanie had not been home and I had been by myself, I can't even imagine. Or if Thomas hadn't found that in that. What happened?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Thomas?

[Tig Notaro]

Am I remembering this all correctly?

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[May Martin]

You were convinced it was apple, but

[Tig Notaro]

it was just bamboozling. It was so humiliating. It was so humiliating. Like, I really came down hard on myself on that. I was like, what is wrong with me?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I'm sure it feels very disorienting.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I think it was. It was like, the beginning of my relationship, and I. I feel like even though Stephanie and I had a sense of humor about it, it was like the early, like, first couple of years of being together, and I just felt like a loser. I was like, yeah.

[May Martin]

You were like, do you think differently?

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, I should know better.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Whatever. It was a learning curve. And I think it's. I. I don't think I was as tech savvy. Not that I'm terribly tech savvy now.

[Fortune Feimster]

You would fall for that now? Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. But I feel like also since that happened, I constantly send Thomas things and go, is this real?

[Fortune Feimster]

What is this?

[Tig Notaro]

I'll screenshot things and I'll be like, should I click on this?

[Fortune Feimster]

Is this.

[Tig Notaro]

That's good. No, I know, but like, I. Yeah, but that all stems from that. Like, even now, even though you're not my assistant, I'll be like, is this weird? Is this real? And he'll be like, delete that. Don't click on that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just always, yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Summer always makes me rethink what I'm

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Tig Notaro]

Quince has amazing everyday pieces, including 100% European linen pants, dresses and tops with styles starting at just $32. I got myself a linen set from Quince in a couple of colors and it's so comfortable and lightweight to wear around the house. Run errands in, or attend a summertime soiree.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quints.com handsome for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N c e.com handsome for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com handsome hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

I thought I was Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

No, no, no, no.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Kyle Mooney.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Thanks, buddy.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Yeah. And we host the show what's our podcast here on Headgum.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or you're like you're surfing through the web.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

I like that it's all in one place. I don't. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like, different stores or something. It's just all.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Well, it's like oh, do I need to go to, like, do I need another type of website to, like, find the right pictures or, like, another type of website to upload?

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

You know, it's all in one place.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

The video or the audio or, like. No, I want it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Yes. And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. Their SEO tools, which. I know what those are. And their custom domains.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wonder if it exists.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Www.friendsmeetingfriends.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

friendsmeetingfriends.com that's an original thing that we came up with.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it on the under $3 menu at McDonald's. A McChicken is 150, because when you're craving a McChicken, you deserv dessert from McChicken. And now that McChicken is just 150

[May Martin]

with McValue limit time only, prices and participation may vary.

[Patton Oswalt]

Prices may be higher for delivery.

[May Martin]

So should I, like, not go back to that film photography place? Like, what happens if I bump into this woman again? She took pictures of my license plate and stuff. But I didn't. I. I don't know.

[Fortune Feimster]

She would have no proof that you did that because it didn't happen.

[May Martin]

No. Or they're the security cameras. Would. Would, would.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because you literally had someone watch the whole thing go down and be like, that did not happen.

[May Martin]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

But wait, are you saying, like, she might hang out at that photo place?

[May Martin]

It seemed like she hung out there because she was yelling that Armando was in a nearby house and stuff. I might just go to a different. It was also embarrassing because there's really hot queer people that work at this photo lab. I had just been in there from there chatting to these cool people, and then they saw this whole thing play out of me being like, I'm already up upset about my picture.

[Tig Notaro]

Me and May handling a bamboozling together, teaming up.

[May Martin]

Now, look me in the eye. Tell me you're not bamboozling me.

[Fortune Feimster]

I need you to be honest.

[Tig Notaro]

I so relate to that. I also relate.

[May Martin]

I said to her, yeah, look me. Can you look me in the eye and tell me, did I hit Your body. I kept saying that phrase but like, what would I have done if she was just like, yes. And lying? I would have been like, okay, well

[Tig Notaro]

then you doubt yourself. That, that. Yeah, yeah, go to a new place. Go to. Yeah, don't take any more pictures.

[May Martin]

I really though, it's, it made me feel so stupid with my car. I felt so embarrassed because I was like, I just drove into a wall there. Like, what, how does that happen?

[Tig Notaro]

Listen, I bought computer safety for everybody.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. It just happens. Sometimes you just have a total brain fart and it's like, yeah. And you'll be like, why did I do that?

[May Martin]

Like, yeah, have you done that? Have you like clipped a parked car or done something like that or driven into a wall?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, that's like, I mean, yeah, you always do something stupid. Like I drove off a curb and it scraped the whole bottom of my car. And you're like, why did I, why did I not just like pull

[Patton Oswalt]

it

[Fortune Feimster]

like a couple years ago? But yeah, there's always like something of like, God, that was so stupid. Yeah, I know, I know better than that.

[May Martin]

It was a good reminder because I, I'd been feeling really confident and good and now I'm like, but that's also

[Fortune Feimster]

just being on a, driving a vehicle, you know, they're very large cars that, you know, that's why you always tell yourself that you need to be very present.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Lord. Anyway, that was being online. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Should we, should we? Yeah, we should.

[May Martin]

Today's question asker is an Emmy winning Grammy nominated actor, comedian and writer who starred in movies like Ratatouille and Young Adult and TV shows like the Goldbergs. His new stand up special, tea and scotch is available to watch now on YouTube. Patton Oswald is asking today's question.

[Fortune Feimster]

Woohoo. Tea and scotch. What a combo.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Hey guys, it's Patton Oswald. I am in Tarrytown, New York, also known as Sleepy Hollow, home of the Headless Horseman. And that got me to thinking, if there was an urban myth or a cryptid that could be proven to be real and exist and true, what would you want to be proven to be real? This of course, being the town of the legendary Headless Horseman.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, that is so amaz alley. Yeah. Classic May. When Thomas is like, may can't wait to get to Patton's question. I was like, God, I wonder what Patton's question is.

[Fortune Feimster]

And, and I, I'm here going like, God, what is an earth? Wait, what urban myths can I think of? I don't even.

[Tig Notaro]

It's also Classic patent. It's just perfectly him and it's perfectly you.

[May Martin]

I think we'd get along. I don't. I've met.

[Fortune Feimster]

Have y' all never met?

[May Martin]

A couple of times, but never, like, properly chatted. Is so he's into nerdy stuff like that.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. His whole brand is nerd.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[May Martin]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

And he's so knowledgeable about all of it. You guys would, like, go into a deep hole of conversation for sure and never come out.

[Tig Notaro]

If I could just say. Also, I completely forgot he was in Young Adult. Did you guys see that movie? Oh, that's right.

[Fortune Feimster]

Was that with Charlize?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

My doppelganger, where she's like.

[May Martin]

Is it where she goes back to her hometown and she's.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Does it make out with her?

[Tig Notaro]

I don't even remember what it's about, but I remember loving it. Diablo Cody wrote it.

[May Martin]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Yeah. And Stephanie and I, when we got together, we both not only loved Young Adult, we went to the theater to see it numerous times.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Like, it really loved that film.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

I want to rewatch it.

[Tig Notaro]

That is the reason I had Diablo Cody on my list of who I wanted to write my Amazon series, One Mississippi with. And that's who I ended up working on it with, because I was like, I loved the tone of Young Adult.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

We should get a question from her.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yeah. I could reach out, see if she'd do that.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know her.

[Tig Notaro]

Brooke. Yeah. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

AKA Brooke.

[Tig Notaro]

AKA Brooke.

[Fortune Feimster]

Diablo is a much cooler name.

[May Martin]

I sort of thought that this question was more about mythical creatures and less about, like, Cryptids are more like a yeti.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right. I have to admit, I've never heard cryptid.

[May Martin]

A cryptid is like, a zoological marvel that people always say is really like a. Like a giant squid or crack or

[Fortune Feimster]

like a centaur or something.

[May Martin]

I think a centaur is more like a mythological creature from myths and legends and stories, but a cryptid is more like the Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, okay.

[May Martin]

Yeah. That have never been big or something. Yes. Yeah, totally.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay. Oh, I guess that is the Sasquatch. Is that the same thing as Sasquatch?

[May Martin]

I think so. Right? Yeah. Yeti.

[Fortune Feimster]

So it's either an urban myth or a cryptid that you wish were true.

[May Martin]

I mean, I want them all to be true. I want to live in that kind of world.

[Fortune Feimster]

Google or some urban myths, because none of them are coming to light for me.

[May Martin]

I mean, I was really excited because I was going down the road of, like, What? Yeah. What mythical creature? And I was thinking about how.

[Tig Notaro]

So you're not as excited.

[May Martin]

I am not really.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm not as into it. Yeah.

[May Martin]

I need to switch gears in my brain. I'm still thrilled.

[Tig Notaro]

This is, you know, a pretty basic, obvious. Probably biggest one. But would be Bigfoot. I mean, how fun would it be? Or Loch Ness Monster.

[May Martin]

I mean, can you imagine if it was like. No, it's real. Yeah. There's a giant. Well, Loch Ness Monster is probably the most likely to be real because we don't know. What.

[Tig Notaro]

Because. Why?

[May Martin]

Well, because there are species deep in the ocean that we don't. You know, Prehistoric aquatic dinosaurs.

[Tig Notaro]

And aren't they in a lake or something?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. It's like in a lagoon or something. And then we do have like technology. Yeah. We could just go swimming and feel around.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

We don't even need technology. We could just swim. We could. We could put a bunch of people in the. I think. Is it a lagoon that the lock. Yeah. What makes something a lake and what makes something a lagoon?

[Fortune Feimster]

A lagoon is at Disney World.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Thanks, Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

I really don't know.

[May Martin]

Doesn't it? Isn't it?

[Tig Notaro]

Thomas, can you let us know?

[Fortune Feimster]

Thomas, can you.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's hear what May thinks a lagoon is.

[May Martin]

Okay. Yeah, let's see. Because I would confidently say. Say that a lagoon is an inlet off of the ocean that's like maybe with a. Without a river feeds into.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. I believe it is a bean. A lagoon.

[Tig Notaro]

Very good fortune. I need you to mute yourself and walk away.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's often flicked.

[Tig Notaro]

And walk this off. Okay.

[May Martin]

Okay. Thomas says a lagoon is that's flicked a shallow sound channel. Channel or pond near or communicating with a larger body of water.

[Fortune Feimster]

Communicate me.

[May Martin]

So it's so hot because.

[Tig Notaro]

Is it like a runoff from the ocean? Isn't that a bayou?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, God. Now we've got a Google bayou.

[Tig Notaro]

This is a disaster.

[Fortune Feimster]

Which is also at Disney World.

[May Martin]

You know what I would. What I hope is not real, that I really don't want is a werewolf. Or. And I would hate to be a werewolf more than anything.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, now we have to tell you what a bayou is.

[May Martin]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

A creek. A secondary water course or minor river that is tributary to another body of water.

[May Martin]

Now we gotta Google secondary water course.

[Tig Notaro]

Tributary.

[May Martin]

Yeah, tributary. And I wouldn't mind Googling secondary watercourse as well.

[Tig Notaro]

Can I tell you to go back to Bigfoot? I just remember as a kid being in the woods and always, always looking for Bigfoot or looking for prints on the ground and hoping that he was gonna run by.

[May Martin]

And Bigfoot was really alive for you.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Quicksand, Bigfoot, all of that stuff. When I was in the wood, when, you know, Huckleberry Tig was out in

[Fortune Feimster]

the woods,

[Tig Notaro]

I was always on the lookout. And I told you I had my little clipboard and took notes and followed little bird tracks into the woods and would follow the river, creek or sewage ditch as far as it would go.

[May Martin]

The clipboard is really a good part of the image.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

I read a news story recently about a guy who was. There was an owl in the next yard and so this guy was making owl sounds and forming a friendship with this owl back and forth. And then it turned out it was just his neighbor also making owl sounds. They were both just. They both thought they were having this like, beautiful connection with nature.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, yeah, I'm going to stick with I'll say Bigfoot because I feel like it's so specifically tied to my childhood and I search for Bigfoot so many times to no avail.

[May Martin]

I mean, maybe Atlantis would be cool to discover.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh yeah.

[May Martin]

Something that doesn't fit with the paradigm of history. Like something that was. Was way too advanced for when it was. Something like that would be cool.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like a city under the ocean, you mean?

[May Martin]

Yeah, well, Atlantis was not originally under the ocean apparently, but was. Is now under the ocean. But yeah, it'd be very cool to find an underwater city under the sea.

[Fortune Feimster]

Darling is better down where it's wetter. Take it from me, I would love to see a singing crab.

[Tig Notaro]

Can anyone make that happen?

[Fortune Feimster]

I would love for Sebastian to be real.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that Disney?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes, girl.

[May Martin]

There's like a Japanese thing called a kitsune. That's like a fox spirit. That's just very sexy like a. There are shape shifters. They're tricksters. They're playful. They're always falling in love with humans. They can. No, this is a mythic creature. So sorry.

[Fortune Feimster]

They all seem the same.

[Tig Notaro]

We started out very excited about.

[May Martin]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

Question. This is going very sideways and you should have an answer on the tip of your tongue.

[Fortune Feimster]

May well may said Atlantis.

[May Martin]

Atlantis.

[Tig Notaro]

I was now listening into a mythical

[Fortune Feimster]

creature, not a cryptid.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, fortune, what do you have?

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay. I had to Google urban myths because I, I just, you know, I loose sight of how many are out there because I hear like these urban myths and you just go, whatever, that's not real. So for a lot of them, I don't think about it.

[May Martin]

You know, I present them as facts.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, there. I'll give you a. One that was intriguing that I heard about at a comedy club. I was doing a show in Huntsville, Alabama.

[Tig Notaro]

Congrats.

[Fortune Feimster]

They said there was a town nearby that had a. A long road that had, like, a dip in it where it, like, dips down and then there's a. A hill up. And I guess I don't. I could be butchering this story, but there was an accident there at some point. So they swear that if you park your car in the dip that. That something will carry your car up, start carrying it up the hill. Like, your car will start moving on its own up the hill. I don't know. But that would be kind of cool if that was real.

[May Martin]

Guess who has a car and is gonna try this out?

[Fortune Feimster]

So that would be kind of cool if.

[Tig Notaro]

And it's only in Huntsville, Alabama, or some neighboring town.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't think it's in Huntsville, but everyone knew about it, and I think it would be cool to try to test that out. Yeah. And then. Then I looked up.

[Tig Notaro]

That's it.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I want more. No, no, I'm giving you more.

[May Martin]

I got one on this.

[Fortune Feimster]

On this list of urban myths from the Test of Time, there are two that are very intriguing to me. One is the alligators in the sewer system. Do you know about this?

[Tig Notaro]

They come up and bite you.

[Fortune Feimster]

They. There was, like. They used to just believe that there was all these alligators and especially, like, in the sewer systems of, like, New York. I don't know why this, like, fascinating to people, but.

[Tig Notaro]

And that was a long time ago, right?

[Fortune Feimster]

The alligators, apparently, that. A long time ago, they just believed there were alligators in the sewer systems and that.

[May Martin]

So you want. You. You want that to be true?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, why not? Yeah, let's. Let's spice things up down there.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Very like Gotham City. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know, they. It suggests that the. That these alligators originated from pet owners who, you know, after purchasing an alligator, realize it's too hard to keep an alligator, dumped them off somewhere. So now there's all these alligators in the sewers. But. But one that's more. That feels more like cool is the Curse of the Pharaohs. You know about that?

[May Martin]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

What are you reading?

[Tig Notaro]

Google?

[Fortune Feimster]

I am. The Curse of the Pharaohs has captivated the world for over a century.

[Tig Notaro]

Are these your own words?

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[May Martin]

Is this the. Is this about. Anyone who excavates the tombs is cursed? Yes.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Well, that's.

[May Martin]

That is true. That's 100.

[Fortune Feimster]

The legend warns that if anyone who dares disturb the tomb of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh will suffer dire consequences.

[Tig Notaro]

Those are your. Your own words?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

That sounds like fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Often in the form of violent, premature deaths, incurable illnesses or unexplained misfortunes. It's. The curse is said to be a supernatural force placed upon the burial sites

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

of the mighty rulers of Egypt to protect them from grave robbers and those who would dare violate their sacred resting place.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's really. I would. I think that should be true because,

[May Martin]

I mean, that's it. Pretty demonstrably true, isn't it? Like we should be able to prove.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, there's stuff. There's stuff behind it saying that the legend gained worldwide fame because following the discovery of King tut's tomb in 1922 by this archaeologist, Howard Carter. And this is all from memory. I'm not reading this.

[Tig Notaro]

No, no, it sounds like your own words. And I'm assuming after you finish telling us that you'll also tell us what tributary is.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In your own words.

[Fortune Feimster]

They said that shortly after opening the tomb, several members of the expedition.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Including the. The wealthy guy who funded the excavation.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

They died under mysterious circumstances.

[Tig Notaro]

Can we be finished with this?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, the wealthy guy passed away months after due to blood poisoning caused by an infected mosquito bite.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, well, should we hear what pat.

[Fortune Feimster]

Pharaoh. It seems like a pharaoh thing. Another one.

[Tig Notaro]

Jesus. Fortune. This is enough. You didn't know what they were.

[Fortune Feimster]

And now stuff from my own memory of history.

[May Martin]

The mosquito bite feels like that he got bit by a mosquito. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, this is your memory of history.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I have a vast memory of ancient Egypt. Although I did take an ancient Egypt class in college, of course. But I did not. I did not learn about this. Anyway, I think that's kind of cool and I think it should be real because don't mess with these pharaohs. That's right.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I think so. I always thought like when the. That disaster happened, when they were gonna go explore the Titanic, remember?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

I was like, well, they're messing with a. Basically a grave site. Like something. I don't know. But I. Those I want.

[Tig Notaro]

I cannot imagine getting into a submarine.

[Fortune Feimster]

But anyway, right.

[Tig Notaro]

I could not thinking I got on into one that was on land and I was like, I gotta get out of here.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Even if someone said it's just. It's for a photo shoot. It'll be fun. We'll just go down a few feet. No, thank you.

[Fortune Feimster]

I want to get in A submarine as. Like a little baby submarine. As much as I want to get in a space shuttle.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't want to do either of them.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I got what you meant. I totally followed.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't need to go to the bottom of the oce, and I don't need to go to the galaxy.

[May Martin]

Top of the world, hostile environments not meant for us.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I'm good. No, no, it's Jeff Bezos, the urban.

[Tig Notaro]

He listens. You know, he listens.

[Fortune Feimster]

Do not beam me up, Scotty.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, that's my old show.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know that's your stomping grounds, but I'm just saying I don't. I don't need to go to either place.

[Tig Notaro]

Nobody's inviting you.

[May Martin]

Good.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, fine. Then should we hear what Patton has to say?

[Fortune Feimster]

We should. But wait real quick.

[May Martin]

I just. Really quick.

[Fortune Feimster]

Take it from me.

[Tig Notaro]

Sorry.

[May Martin]

I want to say there's a documentary about a guy who went around to all these mystical people at saying, put a curse on me. I want to say, see if it's real. Curse me. So I want to watch that documentary. Not sure what happened. And then also, sorry for adding that when it went nowhere, but also it

[Fortune Feimster]

was very helpful for the episode.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Also, the urban myth that I want to be true is that Stanley Kubrick filmed the moon landings. He was part of that. Of a conspiracy, and that he confessed to that in the Shining, and there are clues all through it of him confessing. And there's a whole documentary. Very compelling.

[Tig Notaro]

Is this why people think you spread conspiracy theories?

[May Martin]

That's why people think I'm a gullible, immature, flaky little

[Tig Notaro]

cowboy? You know, before we go to. To. To Patton, when you were little, was. Do you remember that thing where you look into the mirror and you count or something and then you say Bloody Mary?

[Fortune Feimster]

Was that what it is?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they kill you.

[Fortune Feimster]

You say Bloody Mary in the mirror.

[May Martin]

Or Candyman. Candyman as well. Yeah. Did you guys all try things that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, and I live.

[May Martin]

No, you live.

[Fortune Feimster]

Testing fate.

[Tig Notaro]

I had a babysitter that would come over and

[Fortune Feimster]

scare the out. Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

But anyway. Yes, but, you know, I turned out wild. It was the seventies. Yeah, they were. They were wilder.

[May Martin]

No wonder you were out in. Out in the woods, terrified of Sasquatches and.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I was searching. I was searching.

[May Martin]

What would you do if you found it?

[Tig Notaro]

Probably hide behind a tree and peek and just observe. Take some notes on my clipboard. Who's the nerd now, Pat?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, let's. Let's See what Patton has to say.

[Patton Oswalt]

I don't know why, but I would really, really love it if the Loch Ness monster was real. I think that would be really cool if there was just this giant, giant dinosaur that managed to find a way to live in a lake in Scotland. There's something very beautiful about that. So my choice is the Loch Ness monster. All right. Keep your heads about you.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I thought he was gonna say keep it, handsome.

[Fortune Feimster]

I thought he was gonna say keep it.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, me too.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

He said keep your heads about you because of the headless horseman. Duh.

[Tig Notaro]

Duh.

[Fortune Feimster]

Don't know if you guys know what a callback is.

[Guest or Minor Speaker]

Duh.

[Fortune Feimster]

That d. Oh, you guys, does anyone want to know more about the ancient Egyptian fair? Honestly?

[May Martin]

Yes, I. I would do. I could do another hour.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, I just saw Thomas yield mermaids.

[Fortune Feimster]

Is that from the under the sea?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, just cuz that I would.

[May Martin]

That could be a cryptic.

[Fortune Feimster]

Mermaids were real. Oh, you were like, I really want to weigh in on this too.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

We find out. Thomas mermaid fetish.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Which I was gonna say, would you guys date a mermaid? I know you would.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I would.

[Fortune Feimster]

Not much of a water gal as far as being in the ocean, so it's not for me.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, what if she would swim in your tits out tub?

[May Martin]

Might be nice to have a mermaid in the tits out tub.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe.

[Tig Notaro]

Now we're talking.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Okay, I'll reconsider.

[May Martin]

But she'd have to be kind of a. The mermaid would have to be kind of a top because.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, you could get a merman.

[May Martin]

Yeah, merman would be good.

[Fortune Feimster]

What do you mean by. Oh, because I don't want to go

[May Martin]

down below the waist. Really? But if the mermaid was doing all the stuff, then great. Anyway.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, let's see.

[May Martin]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. That was a very fun episode.

[May Martin]

It really was.

[Tig Notaro]

Patton's question really took us on a ride.

[Fortune Feimster]

A roller coaster.

[Tig Notaro]

You know what I want to say to our listeners? If you are a handsome listener, that is a public figure and you have a question for us, send it in. We might choose you. Come on, send it on in.

[Fortune Feimster]

We just start getting random videos.

[May Martin]

Yeah. One from Kid Rock.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're like, yeah, Omaha.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I would like that. I think that would be cool.

[Tig Notaro]

What?

[Fortune Feimster]

Random videos.

[May Martin]

Newscaster in Omaha.

[Fortune Feimster]

Random newscaster.

[Tig Notaro]

And look, I love a newscaster in Omaha. I do like Omaha a lot, but that's not why we're here. I wanted to tell everyone to please subscribe and rate and review our podcast wherever you listen. Same on YouTube. And we are available a day early on Hulu. And go to handsomepaw.com for all of our wonderful, wonderful merchandise.

[May Martin]

Yes. Are you guys touring coming up? I'm. Oh, yeah, I'm at Largo. I have one tour date at Largo on the 29th tomorrow night at Largo in LA with lots of fun guests. What about you guys?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm picking up my tour August 6th in West Hampton Beach, New York. And then I'm going to Foxwood Casino in Connecticut.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Then Red Bank, New Jersey, Halifax, Canada, Provincetown, Massachusetts, Greenville, South Carolina, Wilmington, Boise, Portland, Oregon, Austin, Chattanooga, Dayton, Louisville, Madison, Durham, Oakland, Bakersfield, Los Angeles, Denver, Palm Springs, Nashville.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then my tour is done. It's over.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, that is so exciting and sad. But you can catch me. I'm locally in Los Angeles, and I'm also in Rochester, New York, Calgary, Iowa City, Des Moines, Omaha, where the newscaster lives. Oklahoma City, Cincinnati, Charleston, West Virginia. Chattanooga, Knoxville, Olympia, Washington, Fresno, Napa. The list goes on and on. Go to tignotaro.com.

[Fortune Feimster]

oh, and look it.

[May Martin]

Go to Fortune YouTube to check out Fortune's gun.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you still working out?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm sure not. I've been real bad about it.

[Tig Notaro]

And until next time,

[May Martin]

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willette. Email us at [e-mail]. and please, please follow us on social media. Ndsompod.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

What a.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a pod.

[Tig Notaro]

What a podcast.

[May Martin]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that. I bought some espresso beans when I went to the grocery store. Rats. I've been enjoying making coffee at home, but when you don't have the beans, it makes it a little difficult.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I'm getting dressed and heading to the cafe.

[May Martin]

Yeah, check in first is Handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[Tig Notaro]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was us now on Headgum.

[Tig Notaro]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

This is us. That's right.

[Tig Notaro]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[Patton Oswalt]

A whole lot.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

That's what I'm hoping.

[May Martin]

Man.

[Beck Bennett / Kyle Mooney]

Listen to that. Was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.