Rhett & Link ask about morning routines

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Rhett & Link Ask About Morning Routines"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Handsome
• Host/Authors: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and May Martin (Headgum)
• Episode: Rhett & Link ask about morning routines
• Release Date: July 8, 2025

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1. Introduction and Personal Updates

The episode kicks off with light-hearted banter among the hosts as they share personal updates and humorous anecdotes. Their camaraderie is evident as they joke about collectively being "May Martin," setting a playful tone for the episode.

• Fortune Feimster ([02:22]): "We're just life oranges. Big handsome boob."
• May Martin ([02:30]): "One big handsome blob."

2. Discussing Personal Lives and Recent Experiences

The hosts delve into their recent personal experiences, including Tig's new haircut and her playful reference to "Handsome Boot camp."

• Tig Notaro ([03:30]): "I have had quite a haircut. And this has even grown out for a week and a half."
• May Martin ([03:33]): "It's sharp, it's clean. It's almost military."

Fortune shares an emotional story about her friend Ginge attending her show, highlighting the strong connections they maintain despite challenges.

• Fortune Feimster ([06:03]): "She got really emotional and just couldn't believe it. It was so sweet."

3. Tales from Nantucket and Personal Adventures

May Martin recounts her recent trip to Nantucket, blending humor with historical references to the whaling museum and the legend of Moby Dick.

• May Martin ([12:05]): "They had a skeleton of an 80-foot whale. And I just didn't realize that Moby Dick, that's basically a real thing that happened."

The conversation evolves into playful banter about survival stories and cannibalism, reflecting their comedic chemistry.

• May Martin ([15:00]): "They ended up having to eat each other."

4. Responding to Rhett & Link’s Morning Routine Question

The core of the episode revolves around answering Rhett & Link's question about creating a Rube Goldberg-like morning routine machine. The hosts brainstorm various whimsical and practical functionalities such a machine could possess.

Fortune's Vision:

Fortune envisions a machine that not only makes her coffee but also assists her in waking up gently.

• Fortune Feimster ([47:05]): "I want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses."

May's Idea:

May suggests innovative ways to streamline her morning, such as an intravenous coffee delivery system to bypass the sluggishness before her first sip.

• May Martin ([38:58]): "Maybe some kind of intravenous coffee."

Tig's Concept:

Tig focuses on integrating wellness practices into the morning routine, emphasizing meditation and stretching.

• Tig Notaro ([50:31]): "I try to meditate right when I wake up... I'd love for my 'I got you Boo' to sit me up for my meditation."

The trio engages in a humorous exchange about the feasibility and quirks of their proposed machines, blending practical ideas with their signature humor.

• Fortune Feimster ([49:10]): "My favorite word for it."
• May Martin ([43:26]): "I can't even talk about cannibalism."

5. Planning a Health Retreat

The discussion naturally transitions into planning a hypothetical health retreat, highlighting their mutual interest in wellness and disconnecting from technology.

• Tig Notaro ([55:13]): "We're gonna spend a whole weekend together, just completely unplugged and doing what a retreat would do."

May shares her plans for an Airbnb retreat, aiming for mental and emotional rejuvenation.

• May Martin ([55:51]): "I'm booking an Airbnb in Lake Arrowhead for three weeks in August... my goal is to come out of it completely healthy."

Fortune expresses enthusiasm about joining the retreat, emphasizing collective well-being.

• Fortune Feimster ([57:00]): "I like this. Yeah."

6. Conclusion and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, the hosts share their upcoming performances and events, fostering a sense of community among listeners.

• Tig Notaro ([62:36]): "August 17th West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, N.Y."
• May Martin ([63:19]): "On July 25, I'm in Montreal at Just for Laughs doing May Martin and Friends at the Olympia Theater."
• Fortune Feimster ([63:33]): "I'm in Edmonton in Canada with Mateo Lane on July 20th for the Great Outdoors Festival."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Fortune Feimster ([02:23]): "We're just life oranges. Big handsome boob."
• May Martin ([03:22]): "It's sharp, it's clean. It's almost military."
• Fortune Feimster ([06:22]): "She had to wear a mask right now in public just because her immunity is down."
• May Martin ([12:05]): "They had a skeleton of an 80-foot whale."
• May Martin ([38:58]): "Maybe some kind of intravenous coffee."
• Tig Notaro ([50:31]): "I'd love for my 'I got you Boo' to sit me up for my meditation."
• Fortune Feimster ([47:05]): "I want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses."

Final Thoughts

The episode blends personal stories, humor, and creative brainstorming as Tig, Fortune, and May navigate Rhett & Link's intriguing question about morning routines. Their genuine interactions and comedic flair offer listeners both laughs and relatable insights into optimizing daily habits.

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Listen to the full episode on Headgum to enjoy more of Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and May Martin's delightful conversations!

Transcript

[May Martin]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

Cheers.

[Tig Notaro]

Cheers.

[Fortune Feimster]

Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Fortune Feemster.

[Tig Notaro]

And I'm Tig Notaro.

[May Martin]

And I also am May Martin.

[Fortune Feimster]

Woohoo.

[Tig Notaro]

Also implies that we are May Martin.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah. Or that I am also Tig Notaro.

[Tig Notaro]

Yep. Yep.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

We are individuals.

[May Martin]

Yeah. We are. Although increasingly connected.

[Tig Notaro]

That's right.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're just life oranges. Big handsome boob.

[May Martin]

One big handsome blob.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, Handsome boob.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

One sharp handsome boob.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm sticking with it. I'm gonna commit to that.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[May Martin]

I recently heard a guy behind me goes, hey, handsome. And I just assumed it was a listener, so I go, hey. And he was Talking to someone else, his friend. And he was like, what? Like what?

[Tig Notaro]

That's hilarious.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I know.

[Tig Notaro]

I get a lot of Keep it handsome, so maybe we should encourage people to make sure to use Keep it handsome so that May doesn't turn around to find out that they are not the handsome one. Although you are. You are the handsome one. But.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is true.

[May Martin]

Well, you're both looking very handsome at the moment. Tig, you've had a haircut. I'd like to comment.

[Tig Notaro]

I have. I have had quite a haircut. And this has even grown out for a week and a half. Seriously? Yeah. Yeah, this has grown out.

[May Martin]

It's good. It's. It's very. It's sharp, it's clean. It's almost military. A little bit like it.

[Tig Notaro]

It's very, very short.

[Fortune Feimster]

You going to boot camp?

[Tig Notaro]

I am.

[May Martin]

Boot camp.

[Tig Notaro]

Boob camp. Handsome Boot camp.

[Fortune Feimster]

God, that sounds fun. Boot camp.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I. I. When I was getting my hair cut, I turned to Stephanie. I was like, is this too short? And she was like, no. Like, she loves it when my hair is so short. So I immediately am like, all right, I'm on board. Great. Love it.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Great. I mean, you're only really trying to impress one person.

[Tig Notaro]

That's right.

[May Martin]

How are you both? Where are you both? You're in the closet.

[Tig Notaro]

I am in a closet.

[Fortune Feimster]

Pig's in the closet.

[Tig Notaro]

Back in the closet. I'm back in the closet. Happy to be here. It feels comfortable and familiar. Very familiar to be in the closet. Yeah. I'm just traveling around. It looks like Fortune's just home with her plastic plant.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I am. Yeah. I'm at home right now, which is surprising. I've been in and out, and the plant's thriving.

[May Martin]

The plant has stayed alive.

[Fortune Feimster]

I didn't have to water it because it's plastic. Yeah.

[May Martin]

Just to be clear. Yeah. Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is great. Why would I want a real one right now when I could have this thrive?

[May Martin]

Yeah, you're right.

[Tig Notaro]

So, wait, have you been touring or. Or filming or. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

June was crazy. I was. I had shows every weekend out of town and then stopped in to see Ginge. Tig made a cute video on a bench for Ginger, and she said to tell you thank you. She goes, I have no way to tell Tig thank you. I'm like, I have a way.

[Tig Notaro]

I did not do it for a thank you from Ginger. I was truly just walking along, and I saw a bench, and I was like, I'm gonna go sit down. I was like, hold on a minute. This feels like a moment. And then I also thought I was going to post it on my page, but then I just thought, there's probably a lot of people in my life that don't know what this means. So I was like, thomas, can you just put this on the hands? I did it on my stories. But I was like, what'd you say?

[May Martin]

I didn't see this.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I just said that I was sitting on a bench and sending positive thoughts to Ginger. And I guess I could have given it a description in my post, but she.

[Fortune Feimster]

She loved it.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

I went home to visit her. It was really cool. She came to my show in Asheville, North Carolina, and she was backstage with me up until the show started, because she's got to wear a mask right now in public just because her immunity is down. And she walked into the theater, like.

[Tig Notaro]

Right before and because she's a star.

[Fortune Feimster]

And that, you know.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's like Justin Bieber.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So she comes out in the front from backstage to go to her. The whole audience, like, 2400 people stood up and clapped.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

I gave her this, like, whoa, amazing standing ovation. I was backstage and I heard this, like, roar. And I was like, what was that? And they. And it kept going. And I was like, oh, my God. And then I kind of. I was like, I think maybe this is for my mom. And she got. They. My brother told me she got really emotional and that just, like, she just couldn't believe it. It was so sweet. Like, just for.

[May Martin]

Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

All those people to do that for her. And, like, people were showing up to shows and giving me cards for her. And it's just really incredible, the amount of.

[Tig Notaro]

Is she just feeling it big time? For sure.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's. I think she sat down and just all the emotions came from that. Just such a grand gesture. So. To everyone in Asheville, that was really, really cool. And then I. I went home with her for a couple days and I went with her to her chemo appointment. Just wanted to kind of see what it was like. And she had a little stuffed unicorn a friend's kid made for her. It's really cute. So, yeah, she's. She's doing all right, you know, just still in the early stages of chemo. But, yeah, I'll be popping in to Belmont, seeing her a bit more often.

[May Martin]

That's right. Oh, man, that must have been emotional, the standing ovation. Well, she's very. She's got like a sort of every mom energy. Like, I think people. People really Feel connected to her because she's like. And she's. Because she's so loving and yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Very open and hugs everybody. Well, she couldn't hug people that night. But you know, in normal times she's hugging everybody and loving talking to people and so. Yeah, she's. The one nice thing about visiting her is that all these people in our town drop off food for. And I get to partake in that.

[Tig Notaro]

What have been some highlights.

[May Martin]

Yeah. What are we talking?

[Fortune Feimster]

I've had fresh bread. I've had pound. Pound cake. Blueberry pie.

[Tig Notaro]

Hello.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was about to miss out on the chicken and dumplings. I. I didn't get in on that they were coming the next day.

[May Martin]

What do you, what do you mean by dumplings?

[Tig Notaro]

Excellent question.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is excellent. I saw my face. I saw my face. Go dumplings.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Is that like a southern thing? Like it's like a biscuit or something or.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's like a. It's a doughy. It's kind of the same stuff that you make biscuits with. It's like doughy little like balls kind of.

[May Martin]

And like a matzo ball.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

A little denser. And it's in like a, like a. Not great. It's kind of gravy esque with chicken. It's a old Southern comfort food.

[May Martin]

Give me a grave.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's really, it's really good. I think you would. I think you actually would really like it.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I'm not gonna be it gravy to grape, but yeah. Oh my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Yum.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's like a white. It's like a white cream base. Not quite gravy, but in that like savory.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm wondering how long we can describe a dumpling.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

What else you got?

[May Martin]

I. I had. I just got back from Nantucket and I had a. I had lobster rolls and like it was a surreal trip. I went for two days to do like this comedy panel and I've never been to that part of the world. And it was very. Have you been to Nantucket?

[Tig Notaro]

I've been with Mr. Thomas.

[May Martin]

Oh, you have?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, I have.

[May Martin]

It's very. I mean beautiful. A little bit like the movie get out. Like very white. And everyone's wearing these like blue and white striped kind of cotton shirts and like very. Yeah, but the beach is beautiful. And then I went to. I mean, first of all, on Nantucket, there's handsome listeners. This woman came up to me and just this beautiful woman hands me a envelope, walks away and then I open it. It's. It's interesting facts about Nantucket it's like, hey, little cowboy here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whatever we've done, we've done right. Like, I like my life now.

[Fortune Feimster]

Whatever we have done.

[May Martin]

Whatever we've done, we've done right. Because I like having a life where beautiful women hand me lists of interesting facts.

[Fortune Feimster]

And May, you are living your best life right now.

[May Martin]

I am. And I went to the whaling museum. It was fucking crazy. It's the. The Essex is this ship that sunk like hundreds of years ago, and. And Moby Dick was based on it, and it's a harrowing tale. I won't get into it, but this.

[Fortune Feimster]

Some would say a well of a tale.

[May Martin]

It's a well of a tale.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow. You know, you step away from the podcast for a couple of weeks, you forget you. For. You forget how good and bad the comedy can be.

[May Martin]

Swish.

[Tig Notaro]

My favorite kind of comedy.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Whale of a tail. Go on, May.

[May Martin]

I mean, they do love a whale pun in Nantucket. And whales, they're proud of their whale connection.

[Tig Notaro]

And what about whale, whale, whale. See, I feel like I got a little more silence than I deserved.

[Fortune Feimster]

Whale, whale, whale. I don't want to be over here just blubbering about nothing. And are you glad you went to this whale museum?

[May Martin]

Yeah, it was. They had a skeleton of an 80 foot whale. And I just didn't realize that Moby Dick, that's basically a real thing that happened. This. This whale took down a giant ship, and then the survivors got on these little dinghies in the middle of the ocean, like 60 days from shore. And they're like little boats not meant for big waves.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, is that how time is measured? 60 days to shore?

[May Martin]

Yeah. What do you mean?

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know. I just never thought about, like. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just taking that in. Well, we're 60 days to shore.

[May Martin]

They didn't even know where they were. They were like, their compasses were failing and they end up having to eat each other. And then they.

[Tig Notaro]

Hold on a minute. I know who ate the last one. There had to be one last standing.

[May Martin]

And this is where I. I don't want to piss off. Ns. But the captain was. He survived. And they.

[Tig Notaro]

They pulled.

[May Martin]

They pulled sticks, right? And pulled. What do you call it? Pulled sticks or what? Stick pulling. They did one of those.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Or like the shortest stick.

[May Martin]

Yes. And eaten. Okay, I want to ask you guys this. So you're. So you're on the. You're on your little rescue boat. You're starving. You got no Water. And then they find this little island, and it's just basically a sand bank in the middle of the ocean. And. But it has a bit of fresh water, and it has some. Some birds and bird eggs and things. So they rest there for seven days.

[Fortune Feimster]

That seems legit.

[May Martin]

I think there's 20 crew members at this point. After seven days, the captain says, look, we got to get back in our dinghies, and we got to try to hit South America. It might be 60 days. Like, we might make it 60 days to shore. 60 days to shore.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I'm staying on the island.

[May Martin]

Well, yeah, so three of the guys go, we're good. We're gonna stay here. And, yeah, they are like, well, there's nowhere. You're gonna run out of food. And they're like, we're gonna stay here on the off chance that you survive and you send help. And those three guys did survive because. But then the other guys, they mainly died, except the captain did this pulling the sticks, and the poor little. The stick pulling. The poor little cabin boy, 16 years old. He pulled the short stick. You'd think the captain would step in there and say, you know what? I'll. I'll do it.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, no, not in those days. The captains were usually drunk and like, yeah, get out of here.

[Tig Notaro]

So I'll be honest.

[May Martin]

Get out of here.

[Tig Notaro]

I'll be honest. I don't remember what we're talking about.

[May Martin]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

Like, you know, to check if there's a music video for that new song that you've recently become obsessed with. Because music videos are fun to watch and hear, checking first is smart.

[Tig Notaro]

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[Fortune Feimster]

Because saving with deals is always on the menu.

[May Martin]

With new MCvalue, prices and participation may vary value for item of equal or lesser value. Today, we're talking about a new sponsor here on Handsome Cash App. I got Cash App, and I use it all the time. You could even personalize your Cash app card with whatever image you want. That's right. So if you want a Cash app car card with my face on it, I guess you could do that if.

[Tig Notaro]

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[May Martin]

Spend with confidence with the Cash App card today for a limited time only new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional additional cash. For real. Just download Cash App, use our exclusive referral code handsome in your profile and send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage and discounts provided by Cash App, a Block incorporated brand. Visit Cash App legal podcast for full disclosures. I was going to ask, a, would you have stayed on the little island or risked the journey? And B, if we were on a lifeboat, like, and we were pulling, so would any of us volunteer to be eaten?

[Tig Notaro]

So, wait, and in this story, yeah, the people stayed on the island. The other people went away. They came back and got the people.

[May Martin]

On the island eventually, after like 90 days, like, like a handful of these guys made it close enough that they. They found another ship and they ended up sending help and they rescued the guys from the island. So I guess knowing that is going to color your decision, but.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, sure will. I'm staying put.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I definitely would have stayed put since the water seems terrible. I would be trying to catch fish.

[May Martin]

With my hands just standing really still in the shallows with.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Instead of on a dinghy in the ocean.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna hang out on the island and immediately start eating fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, no.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I don't eat fish. Well.

[May Martin]

Oh, that's true.

[Fortune Feimster]

But I'm meat.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, but I'm meat and I'm full of hamburgers.

[May Martin]

I don't eat fish, but I will eat fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm full of hamburgers.

[Tig Notaro]

I start eating fortune and then help comes the next day.

[May Martin]

That's the fear, right? Like, yeah, you wait till the last possible minute and you're like, all right, we gotta eat something. And then the next day, I think I might volunteer to let you guys eat my ass.

[Tig Notaro]

Eat your ass. Yeah. I guess I could just start Eating Fortune's ass, I wouldn't have to eat.

[Fortune Feimster]

So wild.

[May Martin]

Well, actually that's true. Couldn't you eat part of it, someone while they were still living and not kill and they wouldn't have to die?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Slice off a bun.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Anyway, I kind of. I regret bringing up the whole story, kind of, but I guess I was really.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it's like the movie Alive. Did you see that?

[May Martin]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

The airplane crash.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. I was obsessed with that for a long time. And, you know, they would eat their friends, but it was all frozen meat, so they didn't have to like chew it or taste it and they just swallow it.

[May Martin]

Oh, God.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yeah. Whereas Fortune's ass would be heating in the. In the sun.

[May Martin]

The hot sun.

[Tig Notaro]

Right, yeah. Island ass.

[May Martin]

I was just very taken with like the, I don't know, the idea of just being at sea and this 80 foot whale and what a grim time to be alive. But it was a fun trip. I went to the beach and that's my story.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow, what a story. Yeah, that was. That had to do with Nantucket, huh?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

And you like the lobster roll?

[May Martin]

Oh, man, I really loved the lobster roll. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And who were you out there with? Were there other comedians?

[May Martin]

Yeah, I did a comedy panel with Ben Stiller, who I've never met, and Amber Ruffin and a bunch of people. Yeah, it was wicked.

[Tig Notaro]

It was fun.

[May Martin]

It was really fun. And Donald Glover was there and he asked a question and man, that's one of the coolest people alive.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, he's a real talent. I mean, it's like his music is ridiculous. Ridiculous. It's like, okay, you're a comedian, you're an actor, writer, and then boom.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, Boom, boom, boom, boom.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. We went there to Nantucket on a family vacation when Max and Finn were. I think they were two.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. Just paddling in the water, Just running around.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, paddling in the water, running around. We went on bike rides, all sorts of Nantucket fun. We had rented a house on the water. And I have many pictures of Mr. Thomas sitting and reading to Max and Finn as little tiny cubs reading the.

[May Martin]

Story of the cannibalistic sailors.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, that'.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I would go. I would go back for sure. Or maybe when we finally do a handsome vacation, all four of us. Yeah, maybe it's Nantucket.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yeah. Put that on the list.

[Fortune Feimster]

Nantucket vacation.

[Tig Notaro]

I feel like Thomas isn't putting things on the list anymore. What do you guys think? I feel like. Yeah, he kind of looks at us like, yeah, okay, he gets his stuff.

[Fortune Feimster]

Once every, like five months.

[Tig Notaro]

What did we get? I don't remember getting. Okay, that's one thing.

[Fortune Feimster]

Santa Claus.

[May Martin]

We sat on Santa's.

[Fortune Feimster]

Santa's lap. And that might be it.

[May Martin]

That might be it. And there must be over 6, 000 things on the list.

[Fortune Feimster]

My mom and I drove up to that. I think we went to Nantucket a few places. We also went to P Town together. And she kept calling it a gay enclave.

[May Martin]

A gay enclave.

[Fortune Feimster]

This was back in. I had just come out like maybe six months prior, so I had not seen. This sounds so naive in these.

[Tig Notaro]

You came out and then you were like, six months later dragging your mom to again.

[Fortune Feimster]

I didn't drag her there. I didn't even know about P Town. She told me. And we. My friend got married in Boston from growing up, and we rented a car and decided we would. This was like 2006 maybe. And that we would drive around all that area because it's so beautiful. And she was like, we have to go to P Town. It is a gay enclave. And I was like, what is a gay enclave? She's like, there's just a lot of gays there. And so we. We pull up and we walk down the street and there's all these people, these gays holding hands, which for both of us, we had not seen that much. And so we both were like. We just were like, look at the gay.

[Tig Notaro]

What's Jesus gon.

[Fortune Feimster]

And. But we were just so like. But we were, like, enamored with it. We were like, oh, my God, this is so cool. And then my mom was like, I gotta go get some fudge. And I was like, okay. So I stood out.

[Tig Notaro]

Fudge. Can't wait.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was a tiny candy shop, so I stood outside. And my mom comes outside. She goes, there was a woman making eyes with me. And I was. I said, I think she was checking out your fudge. Oh, my God, that was hilarious. So that was my first trip to P Town to the gay enclave.

[Tig Notaro]

I have a couple of shows there coming up. I've never been. And since the day I've been with Stephanie, that's been. Her dream vacation is to go to P Town. So we're cramming it in to our summer travels and gonna spend a few days there.

[Fortune Feimster]

You'll love it.

[Tig Notaro]

That's how I felt when I first moved to Los Angeles and went to West Hollywood. Even though I had been out already for. I had never been in a city that had like West Hollywood Boys Town.

[Fortune Feimster]

Vibe or any rainbow Flags everywhere.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I was. I was truly like, what on earth is this gay circus?

[May Martin]

Yeah, I know. I feel like there's been moments in my life where I must seem homophobic or transphobic, because I'm just gawking in support. I'm gawking in support. Like, when I was young, when you're young and you just come out and you. You see a gay couple or something, and you're just like, oh, wow. And you're. You're staring and then.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're like, yeah, it was. It. I remember going down to the Pride parade when I first was, like, thinking about coming out, and it was so intimidating. And, yeah, it's. It's crazy now because I've been to a bazillion Prides. It's like, you don't even think twice about it. But, like, I. I think of myself in that mindset then of, like, just seeing all these gay people hold hands, and, like, I just couldn't believe it. It was like, oh, I can't believe this exists in the world. And. And it's okay, and it's celebrated, and, I mean, thank God. But, you know, when you hadn't seen it your whole life, it just. Like May said, you kind of are gawking in this, like, what. What is this kind of way.

[May Martin]

Can I tell you? My first pride, when I was, like, 16, and I was like. Or 17, I was living with my girlfriend at the time, briefly, and. And she was a teenager as well. We were both, like, sketchy teens, and she always went to Pride, and she was more, like, experienced in that world. And so it was so hot in Toronto, and she was like, you got to get painted, like, colorful colors, but we only had acrylic paint, and so she covered her entire naked body and, like, rainbow, but it was acrylic paint, so it was, like. Like flaking and burning. Like, it was. It was, like, cracking. Anyway, we're so excited. She wears this, like, tiny, like, bikini, and I'm probably wearing some denim booty shorts or something. And then we go to the big main intersection, and within five minutes, she breaks her ankle. No, she goes, we'll just climb this fence so we can get a good view. And then turns her ankle, and then we have to go to the hospital.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Actual break in the bone.

[May Martin]

I think it was a fracture in the end, but it was like, yeah, yeah. So we.

[Fortune Feimster]

She probably couldn't move with all that pain. Her body was stiff.

[May Martin]

I just remember, like, the sweat and the. All the. And her sitting in Emergency. Basically naked, covered in paint.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God. They probably get. Some wild things happen. That weekend at the emergency room.

[Tig Notaro]

I actually just remembered I used to work at the lesbian coffee shop in Los Angeles when I first moved to town. It was called Little Frida's, and we were right there on. What is it? Santa Monica Boulevard in WeHo. And that was another thing. I had never been to Gay Pride before, and I was like, you know, in my late 20s and mind blown, just standing there, the doors of the coffee shop open and the different people and outfits and what they're wearing just every. I was like, whoa, whoa. I mean, it was already crazy to me that there was a lesbian coffee shop. You know, I mean, that. I mean, even though the owner claimed, like, well, it's for everyone, it's like, sure, but. But look around. Yeah, there's a main vibe here.

[May Martin]

Was the owner called Frida?

[Tig Notaro]

It was for Frida Kahlo.

[May Martin]

Oh, okay. Yeah. No, this is a lesbian coffee shop.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I didn't even know about this coffee shop. I was late to the lesbian game.

[Tig Notaro]

You're just hearing about Little Frida's?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I never. I mean, I knew you had. You'd mentioned working there before, but I had never heard of it.

[May Martin]

Just outside of you, like, blows my mind, just imagining Tig working in a coffee shop. Like, just the. It's so out of context for me. Like, the idea of going in to buy coffee, and it's. I'm picturing you now just being like, hello.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Were you good at it?

[Tig Notaro]

I wasn't.

[Fortune Feimster]

I wasn't.

[Tig Notaro]

I wasn't good at it.

[Fortune Feimster]

What did you do when people complained about their coffee?

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, basically what I was bad at was. And maybe I shared this on the show was math and money and counting back. Money.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Did I share that story about when. So I was fumbling with the cash register and this woman in line said, while there was a whole line of people waiting for me, she said, you know, it's not too late to go to college.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

But I have to say, it was a massive shift in my life in that moment, because once she walked away, I turned to my boss, who was also a good friend, and I was like, oh, my gosh. I just want to go out to her table and just be like, hey, thanks to you, I just quit my job and I applied to college and I'm leaving right now for, you know, whatever. And my boss said, you know what? I'm on your side. She should never have said what she said to you. If you want to walk out to her table and say directly. Not sarcastically, but directly say, what you said to me was so unacceptable, and I really didn't appreciate it. My boss said, I can get behind that, but if you go out there and fight fire with fire, I can't get behind that. And I was like, whoa, okay. And it changed my life. And obviously, we know I am a sarcastic person, but it shifted me where in real moments to actually speak directly, like, hey, this needs to happen, or I feel this way. Yeah.

[May Martin]

This hurt me.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. And to, like, really just directly deal with something and then save the sarcasm, you know, for another time. But it was amazing to have my boss say, I don't want that kind of person in my establishment. And she should never have spoken to you like that. That. So I'm. But I didn't go out and talk to the woman. But it did make me realize that there's a time and place for talking a certain way and acting a certain way. And then when you want to be direct and handle something serious or important, then step up to that moment.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

I thought you were going to say it made you realize like, that. Then you quit your job and went to college. We're like, you know, a good point. Yeah. What a wise box.

[Fortune Feimster]

I quit my job and became a standup so I'd never have to do math again.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, the reason I had that job was because there was an all female lineup of standup and little Fridas, and that's the first place I ever got on stage. And so I took a job there so that I could ensure that I could get on stage to do standup, because when people would drop out of the show or they were running late or the host canceled, I could just hop out from behind the. The. The coffee bar. Yeah. And. And do comedy. And so that's why I took that job.

[May Martin]

I love that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're like, I don't want to make your coffee. I just want to tell some.

[Tig Notaro]

I just want to tell jokes. Yeah. Nope, didn't go to college. Still running around with a seventh grade education.

[May Martin]

Yes. Did you get your ged? I can't remember.

[Tig Notaro]

I know I did in my cat aid. Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Wake up all you Handsomes, because we need to talk about something very important to me. Getting a good night's sleep. Helix Sleep is supporting Handsome in more ways than one, because we're all getting our beauty rest every night atop a Helix mattress that's been custom selected to suit our sleep habits and preferences.

[May Martin]

My new house is gradually becoming a home, and one of the coziest spots I've got is my bedroom, of course, and a big part of that is my Helix mattress. I literally leap into bed every night because I'm so excited to get rest and comfort and luxury. And then in the morning I leap out again because I got such a good sleep.

[Tig Notaro]

Helix is having a 4th of July sale. Go to helixsleep.com handsome for 27% off site wide exclusive for listeners of Handsome. That's helixsleep.com handsome For 27% off site wide make sure you enter Handsome after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com handsomepod this episode of Handsome is brought to you by Graza, my new favorite olive oil. It's fresh, it's bright, it's vibrant, it's aromatic. In other words, it's everything you want your olive oil oil to be. So whether you're grilling on the deck or chilling at the beach, Graza is your one and only summertime, never blended, single origin olive oil.

[May Martin]

Graza is great because it's easy with their no mess, squeeze and spray bottles. I never have trouble getting the exact right amount of olive oil just where I want it. That also means I avoid getting oil where I don't want it, like on my stove, my countertops, or on the floor or parts of my body. Adding Graza to my existing recipes has made the flavors pop even more.

[Tig Notaro]

When you order now, you get 10% off your first order on Garaza's site, but I personally suggest grabbing the trio that's all three squeezy bottles, Sizzle, Frizzle and Drizzle. So you're set for every style of cooking. So head to Grazza Co and use handsome to get 10% off of the trio, which includes Sizzle, Frizzle and Drizzle and get to cooking your next Chef quality meal.

[May Martin]

Lately I've been trying to clean up the way I shop for myself. I've been finding healthy options that fit my budget and actually work for me. I was tired of overpaying for so called better for you groceries and still having to scan every label. That's when I gave Thrive Market a try and honestly, it's been a total game changer.

[Tig Notaro]

Thrive Market is like your favorite health food store, but online and way more affordable. I'm talking about premium brands like Simply Organic, Karma Rao's and more. Lately my family's been loving Thrive's raw sprouted organic granola made with just nine ingredients.

[May Martin]

Take care of your health and your wallet. Thrive Market's biggest sale of the summer is officially on. So for a limited time, go to thrivemarket.comhome to get 30% off your first order and an extra 25% off thousands of of summer essentials plus a free 60 gift for just signing up. That's thrivemarket.comhome to claim the offer before it's gone. Thrivemarket.comhome well, should we find out who our question asker is?

[Tig Notaro]

I think that's a great idea.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, today's guests are a comedy duo best known for the YouTube series Good Mythical morning, which I've been on super fun show. They've hosted it since 2012. They have over 32 million subscribers and now they host a podcast called Ear Biscuits. They're fellow North Carolinians, so, you know, I like that. Rhett and Link are asking today's question.

[Tig Notaro]

Nice.

[D]

Hello, handsome pod.

[Tig Notaro]

It's Brett and Link from Good Mythical Morning.

[D]

We got a question for you. If you could have a morning routine machine like a Rube Goldberg machine that gets you through your morning rout, like.

[Tig Notaro]

The guy in the Casper movie or the Grinch in the Grinch.

[D]

You haven't seen the Casper movie. Why are you bringing that up? Well, because I'm told that that's a good example. It's a great example. What would yours do? What would your machine do? Step by step? We miss you, Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I miss you guys. They're so great.

[May Martin]

Oh, that's a great question.

[Fortune Feimster]

I got to go on their show and eat really good food where you tried. You tell them your favorite food and they have three different versions of it. Like the high end version, the mid level version and the low level version, the cheap version. And you have to try to pick what is the high, like the fancy version. It was really fun.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you get it right?

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I got two out of three right. I can't remember.

[May Martin]

And were you blindfolded too?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, it's, it's all in front of you. Like you'd be surprised. Some of the stuff that you, you're.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, it's got this got to be.

[Fortune Feimster]

The high end one. And it's like. No, that's the grocery store vers. Yeah, they're. They're really funny and have like, it's crazy. Those, the YouTube folks that have just killed it. They have this whole office and production and it's like a machine over there.

[Tig Notaro]

So do we.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, look at us. We've got.

[May Martin]

Look how professional this is.

[Fortune Feimster]

This and this fake plan over here.

[May Martin]

Yeah, you're in a closet.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Oh, man.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're talking like. Is it kind of like the Jetsons? Is that another term?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[May Martin]

Pee Wee's big adventure. Like, you know. Yeah. A machine that wakes you up and does every. Moves you through a routine makes it all easy.

[Fortune Feimster]

So they're asking, like, what would that entail if we had that ability?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I guess so.

[May Martin]

I'm not good in mornings. I don't like mornings. And the time that's really touch and go, that's really dark for me is the time between getting up and have. And having a first sip of coffee. It's like making it to the coffee machine. And so the. That was where my head went first, was like maybe some kind of intravenous coffee.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, laying there and it goes into.

[May Martin]

Your system or like a straw that comes. Comes to the bed because you're.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're just so out of it during wake up and caught. Like, what is it that's happening with you?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to picture you getting to the coffee machine. Like, are you stumbling? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, are your pants tearing your. Your boxers, your pontil.

[May Martin]

Why would my boxers be to my ankles?

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know. You just sound like you're really struggling to get from your bed.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like you can't function until you get to this coffee.

[Tig Notaro]

So that's why I can't. I can't figure it out. I can't picture what the hell's going on.

[May Martin]

Yeah, probably some doctor would tell. It's just. Probably I'm not sleeping enough. But I wake up and I'm like, like. And I'm like, exhausted and I just. Oh, man. Like, yeah, just. I mean, it's not that. It's just that I shuffle over and.

[Fortune Feimster]

But it's your ponti's around your ankles.

[Tig Notaro]

So you're one of those people that's like, do not even talk to me until I've had my IV coffee.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's what May has on a mug. Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee.

[May Martin]

I kind of am. And I'm staying with my parents right now in. In Toronto. And you know, they've already been up for two hours. They are wide awake. They're ready to chat. They want to know how I'm feeling.

[Tig Notaro]

About what time do they wake up?

[May Martin]

Maybe seven.

[Tig Notaro]

And then when do you roll out with your pontis to your ankles?

[May Martin]

I am not labia out shuffling to the kitchen.

[Tig Notaro]

I picture you with big thick glasses on, like, you can't can't. You can't. Your hair is every which way. Yeah. You're scratching your chest.

[May Martin]

Yeah. You know, it depends what's going on. Like if I have something to get up. Like today I Woke up at 9 because I traveled last night. I got in late and so yeah, I have, but I have to.

[Tig Notaro]

But it's nine early or late for you?

[May Martin]

Usually I'm up at eight or nine. That's like normal for me. But it feels like I could happily sleep till one because I. I don't go to sleep.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Early enough.

[Fortune Feimster]

What time are you going to bed?

[May Martin]

I mean as I'm saying it, I'm like, it's not that because I'm just doing the math. Because usually it's around one or two.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're not good at math around here.

[Tig Notaro]

You know, I can't do math.

[May Martin]

It's not too late for us to go to college. So. Yeah, one or two. So I guess I'm sleeping like six.

[Fortune Feimster]

One or two is late.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Like my circadian rhythm is probably all up. I don't know. So yeah, coffee and, and maybe. Maybe a fact of the day would be nice every morning. But what about you guys?

[Tig Notaro]

What's it for your machine?

[Fortune Feimster]

Anything?

[Tig Notaro]

Here's your coffee. Also, dolphins were known to swim in the. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Good morning, May.

[May Martin]

Pretty much that's it. Because I don't want. I've been reading about how the more we use ChatGPT, our like cognitive of functioning is going to decline. We're going to get our. So I want to have.

[Tig Notaro]

That's already happened. I mean humans are.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're dumb. Dumbs.

[May Martin]

Yeah. That's why I'm trying to memorize all the capital cities of the world. Just to keep the old noggin firing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

But yeah, so I don't want to like make it too easy for myself but if it could either roll me over to the coffee machine and make the coffee or intervene and.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, here's what I think. I think you could get to a point eventually where you could do that on your own, May, if you really put your mind to it.

[Fortune Feimster]

You got to figure out how to keep your ponies on though.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Okay. I am not. I. I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

They're on. They're on Fortune. They're just at May's ankles.

[May Martin]

Like how would that even happen?

[Fortune Feimster]

Like you stand up and they just fall.

[May Martin]

Oh, they fall off. Okay. So they're. I'm picturing their moth eaten. They're old.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're like my Underwear, they're moth eaten beige.

[May Martin]

Oh, the idea of. Because I have a roommate now in my back house, my friend Matt is living with his girlfriend briefly while they get settled in la. And just the idea of me full vagina out walking in the morning out there or even half morning.

[Fortune Feimster]

Some people would love to see that.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I mean I feel uncomfortable even saying the word. I can't. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

What word?

[May Martin]

Vagina. It's not a great word. It's a. Yeah, coffee.

[Fortune Feimster]

And wait, we could have another word for it.

[May Martin]

Like what?

[Tig Notaro]

Cooter.

[Fortune Feimster]

My favorite word for it.

[May Martin]

Okay, well let's move on from, from maze.

[Tig Notaro]

Cooter.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Or Makuchi.

[Tig Notaro]

She's supposed to be sending in a question. Has she?

[Fortune Feimster]

Thomas, we gotta get Makuchi's question.

[Tig Notaro]

We haven't got one yet.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh my God.

[Tig Notaro]

So yeah, what about you?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I have been waking up really early lately. I don't know why, I'm like wide awake at like 6:30, which is not, not give me a ring a ding. But today, guess what? I got up and went treading. Oh, that's why my hair, hair's a little wet.

[Tig Notaro]

Isn't that so fun? In the very early morning, it's the.

[Fortune Feimster]

Best way to wake up. It's like the pool's like a little warm and the birds are chirping. I make coffee so that I could drink my coffee before I tread. So I'm just in the pool, just you know, I've turned on some music.

[Tig Notaro]

It's nice. That's amazing.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Do you make coffee the night before or you make it, you gotta machine?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, cuz I don't like brewed coffee. I just like espresso. So I have a little espresso machine that I do the like little. I'm like a little barista, like take the full thing. I do the get the beans, they the grinder Bean, you know, grinds them up a packet with the thing and.

[May Martin]

Yeah, this is what I need to be doing.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't think this would appeal to you for your treading, but my friend Kit, this, this guy that lives near me, he, he has a pool that does not have a heater and he invited me over to tread one morning at 7am without heat.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh my God. It's like a cold plunge.

[Tig Notaro]

It was like an hour long cold plunge. But I have to say, oh, oh absolutely. Only once in my treading career have I gotten out at 30 minutes. And it was because we were at a public pool where they were like everybody out, we gotta switch to, you know, granny swim or whatever. But. But yeah, it was so exhilarating to tread in cold water. And I. I suggest doing it with somebody else in the pool. So you can complain and laugh with.

[Fortune Feimster]

Each other and shake.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

To be like, oh my God, this is so.

[Tig Notaro]

But my whole day was so electrifying. I was in the best mood.

[May Martin]

And dude, I guess you, you're moving so you kind of warm up a bit. As are you. Barely. But an hour. That's like the cold has deeply penetrated you by an hour. So you are indeed.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have been penetrated by the cold. I don't think I could do an hour in the cold. I could maybe last 30, but I don't know if I could do an hour.

[Tig Notaro]

You could do it. It's fun. It's not like it's 30, it's not like 40 degree water, you know, it's like 70 or something, but it's still. It's cold. 65, something like that. But that's cold.

[May Martin]

But so far I'm not like. What, you don't want the machine to take over?

[Fortune Feimster]

I gotta figure out what I want the machine to do.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Cause you in the pool. Push you in the machine. Push me in the pool.

[May Martin]

That's great.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was gonna say I want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses, but that's weird. It's a machine.

[May Martin]

That's not weird.

[Tig Notaro]

It's a way of the future, you.

[Fortune Feimster]

Know, a few little good morning kisses.

[May Martin]

Good morning.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's a nice way to wake up.

[Tig Notaro]

Good morning kisses. I thought that a hotel should offer that service that you sign up for where they're like, do you want someone to come in and spoon you and be like. Like, I think that's time to get up.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You have a zoom at 9 o'. Clock.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I would like.

[May Martin]

I think you can pay for that.

[Fortune Feimster]

I would like the sweet sounds of a. A voice. Fortune. It's time to wake up.

[Tig Notaro]

Why don't you call me and I'll do that for you?

[Fortune Feimster]

Right. Please spoon. Spoon me. That's a nice. That's a preferable way to wake up. And then I always wake up. Up fairly happy. Anyway, I'm. I'm very glad for that. So I don't have my ponies around my ankles. Shuffling to the espresso with your cooter out. I'm a cooter's hidden. And I'm usually like robustly walking to the espresso machine. I would. It would be nice if whatever this thing is makes My espresso for me. I don't want to make it. And then pushes me in the pool.

[Tig Notaro]

Pool.

[Fortune Feimster]

Turns the music on, pushes me in the pool.

[May Martin]

And does it sort of pour the espresso into your mouth, too, and then.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, we can just put it in a cup and I'll do the rest.

[Tig Notaro]

So it's exhausting to you to press that button, huh?

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, just the grinding of the beans and the packing it, you know.

[Tig Notaro]

If I don't have to.

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, I'll do it, but if I don't, if this machine's like, I get.

[Tig Notaro]

You're too much of a star to have to be able to push a button to get that espresso out of there.

[Fortune Feimster]

This machine will say, I got you, boo Boo.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, I got you, boo machine.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, yeah, I got you, boo.

[May Martin]

And I'm like, oh, when it pushes you in the pool, do you want that to be at, like, a different moment each morning, so you're not quite expecting it or, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sure.

[May Martin]

Or do you want to go, keep.

[Fortune Feimster]

Me on my toes? It can pick me up and throw me in, too.

[May Martin]

Pick you up like a baby.

[Fortune Feimster]

But also hold me for a minute and then toss me you and whisper.

[May Martin]

In your ear, I caught you, boo.

[Fortune Feimster]

I got you, boo. In charge of heating the pool and stuff. I'm not having to worry about that.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, you can't. You can't worry yourself about that stuff. Little tiny baby fortune. Thank you, Tig. Yes.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So, yeah, that's what my I got you boo machine would do.

[May Martin]

Okay. I like that a lot.

[Tig Notaro]

I got you, boo Machine. That is a good name.

[May Martin]

All these things are going to exist 100%. Tig. How about you? Is it going to have a Scottish accent like Marnen Fruit?

[Fortune Feimster]

Marnen, Tig, get your marnin frig.

[Tig Notaro]

You know, I struggle in the morning with. I try to meditate right when I wake up. And it's. Well, it's just the idea with transcendental meditation is that you do it ideally twice a day. Oh, wow. And so. But, you know, 20 minutes each time. And so if you think about when you wake up first thing in the morning, a lot of people, you're not totally productive at that time. So why not just immediately when your eyes open, go into your meditation, you close them again and go into your meditation.

[May Martin]

I'd fall asleep. I'd fall right back to sleep.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, here's the thing. This is where. Here's my true honest to God struggle. Oftentimes I will meditate in bed and lying down And I should be sitting up. And I only do that sometimes. So, yeah, I would love for my I got you Boo to sit me up for my meditation when I'm on the mornings that I've just had the roughest night. Because that's when it's the hardest for me. When I wake up.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're in your nightgown.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm in my nightgown. And so I gotcha Boo would sit me up. And then as soon as I'm seated in bed meditating, then crossing your legs.

[May Martin]

For you too, like it's sort of positioned.

[Tig Notaro]

I can do that. I can do that. And then I gotcha Boo. That I can do. I got you Boo is also going to stand there. Wait, is I got you Boo a robot?

[May Martin]

I think so.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's whatever you want it to be.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I got you Boo is standing there. And then once I finish meditating, I gotcha Boo is going to remind me to do my. I do these, like, five minutes of stretching.

[Fortune Feimster]

Giggles.

[Tig Notaro]

You know me. How dare you Fortune Marie. How dare you.

[May Martin]

Look at how tickled Fortune is by the joke.

[Fortune Feimster]

The robot's keeping time for you.

[Tig Notaro]

1, 2, 3, 4. Take a break. Release and release. This.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God, the thought of that. This. Yeah, that tickles me. Thank you.

[Tig Notaro]

Meanwhile, May is just getting an IV in the arm full of coffee.

[May Martin]

Mine is feeling increasingly bleak. Digs doing keels. And you're getting cradled like a baby.

[Tig Notaro]

And kids.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, we all have different needs.

[Tig Notaro]

I just have my robot making sure I stay on track because, like, with my sleeping issues, I have to immediately get sunshine when I wake up.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. What does that do?

[Tig Notaro]

It regulates your circadian rhythm. And so basically, as soon as you open your eyes, you need to be in natural sunlight. And that's going to tell your brain this is your wake up time for the day. And so that gets you on a more regulated schedule. So I would want I got you Boo robot to be like, after I meditate, do your five minute stretches. And then I do that and I do my Kegels and whatever. And then I. And then the robot also will be like, don't forget your sunshine. And then I go out on the back patio.

[May Martin]

I thought you were gonna say, don't forget your sons.

[Tig Notaro]

Don't forget your sons. Sons?

[May Martin]

You have sons?

[Tig Notaro]

And then the last thing I would want is I love making my smoothie. I love the process. However, I would like I gotcha Boo to bring because there's a lot of ingredients of my.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And there's a lot. And so I would like for. I gotcha, Boo. To get all of the canisters out of the pantry and maybe even measure it for me and then put it back while I.

[Fortune Feimster]

And clean it up.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So.

[May Martin]

So it's measuring it, and then you just have to tip it in.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, Yeah. I could do the tipping. You know how fortune can't push a button? I'm totally fine with doing that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[May Martin]

Yeah. And then Fortune, do you ever feel like if we, like, if. If. If we went away with Tig for like, a week to a cabin in the woods, like, you would sort us out? Like, I just.

[Fortune Feimster]

We would be. Come back so much healthier.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. I'd be meditating. I'd be. We'd be sleeping. You might not be, but we'd be.

[Tig Notaro]

Guys, guys, it's funny you should say this. I am planning a retreat. A retreat weekend for me and Stephanie for our anniversary.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, are we invited?

[Tig Notaro]

But at home, it's just gonna be me and Stephanie.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, we're not invited?

[Tig Notaro]

No, you are not invited. But for, like, a totally unplugged, meditative, listen to vinyl, talk journal, cook healthy foods, that's gonna be our fun retreat. I know some people are like, that sounds like hell. What is that?

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, so it was like, a whole weekend of this?

[Tig Notaro]

We're gonna spend a whole weekend together, just completely unplugged and doing what a retreat would do, but we're just gonna do it privately.

[Fortune Feimster]

Will the boys be there?

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[May Martin]

That's so nice.

[Tig Notaro]

And what I was gonna say is I would be more than happy to do it with my handsome co host house.

[May Martin]

Well, okay, I've booked an Airbnb in Lake Arrowhead for three weeks in August, and I. I'm gonna mainly be up there by myself, and I don't drive, so I'm really gonna be stuck there and that my goal is to come out of it completely mentally and emotionally and physically healthy. So.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[May Martin]

I mean, Fortune, we're both. I was gonna say we're both single, but it sounds that. That came out wrong. But, like, we're both single. We're both single.

[Fortune Feimster]

Come on up here.

[Tig Notaro]

I wait.

[Fortune Feimster]

Can't be the third wheel.

[May Martin]

But, like, come. Come up for a couple days and, like, we'll put our phones in. I bought one of those boxes you lock your phone in and then you put a timer on it for like, four hours or whatever.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, look, whether. Whether it's at your place there or whether it's your house. Well, no, at my office in la. Yeah, I Am so excited by this. I can't even tell you to do this with Stephanie. And then if that interested anybody on this, zoom, boy, would I love to do that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, you have, like, a schedule. Like, or you're just going to. Okay, so, like, this time, we're doing this.

[Tig Notaro]

It's going. It would sound like absolute hell to you. Yeah, but it is truly, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

But.

[Tig Notaro]

But it's fun. It's. It's fun. Okay. Imagine the three of us are together, and we get up to watch the sunrise. How awesome would that be?

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then meditate. Okay. And then have, like, a really healthy smoothie. Listen to records. You know, I have an awesome vinyl collection. Listen to some records journal, talk, do a tarot reading. We could do all sorts of things.

[Fortune Feimster]

But for you and Stephanie, are y' all both saying, I want to do this, I want to do this?

[Tig Notaro]

I put together a schedule of what I think would be. Be great, and I'm gonna run it by her. I just told her about this the other day. And then if she wants to make tweaks, of course we can make tweaks. But before we go there for the weekend, we're gonna go grocery shopping, and we're gonna plan our menu and, like, cook and prepare the food together. And it just. I don't know. I think it really. And there's absolutely no. No phone use. We have a landline where Max and Finn can get in touch with us. And anyway, that's the plan. And if you guys have any interest, I am so down.

[Fortune Feimster]

Will there be some sexy time in.

[Tig Notaro]

This with the three of us?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, obviously, that.

[May Martin]

That goes without saying. That goes without saying.

[Fortune Feimster]

May and I are single, so.

[Tig Notaro]

So, no, but this will be single, so. Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

May, single.

[May Martin]

Put on your schedule with Stephanie, though, as part of the schedule. Sex.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, let's say insert intimacy Time.

[May Martin]

Intimacy.

[Tig Notaro]

Intimacy.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, intimacy.

[Tig Notaro]

Intimacy.

[May Martin]

From 8 to 9pm that's the biggest boner killer ever.

[Fortune Feimster]

We will spoon.

[Tig Notaro]

Also, guys, time to read as well. And then what? Here's the only screen. This is what I also added into the schedule is a movie at night, because there's so many movies that Stephanie wants me to see.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I like this. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And so, like, movie time before bed.

[May Martin]

Tig, you're really speaking to, like, where I'm at right now. Like, this is my constant fantasy, and this of just unplugging. And, like, so this is why I booked the place in Airbnb. So. Yeah, you're speaking my language. This is. I really, really.

[Tig Notaro]

Again, this is the last Time. I'm gonna say it. If it does interest anybody on this zoom, let me know, and I will gladly lock it down for a couple of days and meditate and watch the sun come up and tread water and cook healthy food.

[May Martin]

Dude, you and Stephanie should just come up to the Airbnb and just do 48 hours, and we'll go in the lake. We'll go, and I'll do whatever you say. I swear I won't look at my phone. I won't. I won't even talk about cannibalism.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, then what? What's the point?

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, should we hear Rhett and Link's answer?

[May Martin]

Yeah, I would like to.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's do it.

[D]

My morning routine machine would plop me in the shower, where I would be.

[Tig Notaro]

Sprayed with water on my body, but coffee in my mouth.

[D]

And then a team of blow dryers.

[Tig Notaro]

Would descend from the ceiling and blow dry my entire body.

[D]

Thanks for clarifying.

[Tig Notaro]

Without me having to lift a finger.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because I already blow dry my body.

[Tig Notaro]

But it takes a lot of work.

[May Martin]

I highly recommend.

[D]

My morning routine machine would administer via IV all the liquids that I need for the day, because I know you're supposed to drink a lot of water, and I'm trying to drink water right when I wake up, but I never have a taste for it. I just don't have a taste for water. So I.

[Tig Notaro]

It doesn't really taste.

[D]

I just don't want it and I know I need it. IV administration of water. And then the machine would go into my son's room, wake him up, argue with him about why it's important to be on time for things and why if you can't learn how to be on time for school, then you're going to not be on time for other things later in life. And it's going to. People are going to think less of you, and also there's going to be opportunities that you're going to miss out on. And then the machine would raise its voice and be like, I'm serious. I'm serious.

[Tig Notaro]

We have to get to school.

[May Martin]

School.

[D]

I've got things to do today. I've got places to be.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right.

[May Martin]

Oh, my Lord.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the. That's the North Carolina coming out in him.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, speaking of that being the North Carolina in him, he reminded me of Zach Galifianakis in that moment. The way he raised his voice when Zach is silly, yelling, yeah, and Zach is from North Carolina. That's why I'm bringing that all together.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's our North Carolina. Raising your voice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

[May Martin]

Well, the nice thing about having a robot to yell at your kids would be then you could be the hero who comes in and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop yelling.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hey, hey.

[May Martin]

And then you're the hero.

[Tig Notaro]

My.

[Fortune Feimster]

I got you, boo. I forgot. Would also sing to me and make me breakfast.

[May Martin]

But wouldn't you actually want it to just accompany you while you sing? Like, play the.

[Fortune Feimster]

We could harmonize.

[May Martin]

That would be nice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

A nice morning harmony.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Chad with friends on the handsome pod. Chatting with friends on the handsome pond.

[Tig Notaro]

Boy, we still got it. Do we not?

[May Martin]

We still got it.

[Tig Notaro]

That was a really fun episode, huh? I can't wait for our retreat.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know. This led to a health retreat with sexy time.

[Tig Notaro]

It always does.

[May Martin]

As soon as we get off this zoom, I'm going to be sending dates your way.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. I. I thought I'd get into where I'm going to be and what I'm going to do. It's not a very long list. All right, is everybody ready for this?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

August 17th West Hampton Beach Performing Arts center in West Hampton Beach, N.Y. saturday, August 23rd P Town. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. P Town Gayon class. Yes, it is a gay enclave. And then Saturday, September 27th, the Beau Rivage Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi. So there you go. Also, check on tignotaro.com for all of my working out new material in Los Angeles. I'll be in Toronto soon at Largo Dynasty typewriter and comedy Bar. So. So that's what's up with me.

[May Martin]

On July 25, I'm in Montreal at Just for Laughs doing May Martin and Friends at the Olympia Theater. What about you, Fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm in Edmonton in Canada with Mateo Lane. July 20th for the great Outdoors Festival. Then.

[May Martin]

I love Mateo.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know he's the best. I'm hosting a gala in Montreal July 26, which May will be on.

[May Martin]

I'm doing it. I can't wait.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's gonna be fun for Montreal folks. Then my stuff starts in September. San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, D.C. portland, Maine, Boston and Burlington, Vermont with a lot more added Atlanta, New Orleans, Mobile. You can get your [e-mail] if you enjoyed this episode.

[Tig Notaro]

Share it with a friend. Let's keep keep building this awesome, handsome community. I mean, everywhere I go, people tell me to keep it handsome and it is just so fun. Also, don't forget to rate and review the show and subscribe to also. Not just the show but to our YouTube page. These are the ways to ensure the show keeps going. People always ask that, like, how do we make sure this doesn't go away? Subscribe to the show review rate, tell your friends, share episodes. All of it is so important and we just love you guys. And all the best to Ginger. And let's get to planning our retreat. We got to bring Ginger to the retreat. Oh, my gosh. Or we fly out to where she is and we have the retreat with her.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Well, until next time, huh? Keep it. Keep it ansome.

[May Martin]

Handsome is hosted by Me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willette. Email us@handsome podgmail.com and please follow us on social media at Handsome Pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a podcast. Podcast.

[May Martin]

What a podcast. That was a headgum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, you know, to check that your favorite restaurant hasn't mysteriously changed its hours so that it's now closed for a random hour between lunch and dinner. When you get a craving for a 4pm meal, check in first is smart.

[May Martin]

So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[E]

Hi there. My name is Allison Williams. If you know who I am at all, it would probably be thanks to my job as an actress on shows like Girls and in movies like Megan. Recently, when I was having a moment of gratitude for my group chat, I thought, I wish everyone could have these geniuses at their fingertips like I do. Well, now you do.

[Tig Notaro]

Hi. Hi, it's Hope.

[May Martin]

Hey, babe, it's Jamie.

[E]

Welcome to our podcast Landlines, where we share our life sustaining and shame extinguishing friendship. We have known each other and we've been friends for a very long time.

[May Martin]

Hope was my first best friend. But it wasn't mutual. I mean, I asked. I distinctly remember, I feel so calling her on the phone and asking if she'd sit next to me on the bus and she said maybe.

[E]

At least she didn't say no.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe he's meaner.

[Tig Notaro]

She wasn't mean like discerning.

[E]

When I was pregnant, I started this group chat to prepare and crowdsource and it's been such a delight to troubleshoot with our friend group. And we just had this thought. Should we invite other people into our group chat? I'm a therapist I'm a trained early childhood educator, and I'm, well, you know, whatever I am, I guess someone who has the vibe of having it all together. And still the three of us find it hard to be moms, partners, friends, family members, professional women, and just, you know, adults.

[May Martin]

The stuff we're talking about, whatever the recent fight was with our partner or the parenting concern we have, or a funny thing with our kids, or it's like, what's going on with my body? I feel like I have, like a family of squirrels living in my lower abdomen. Like, I feel affirmed. I feel normalized. I feel like I'm not going crazy.

[E]

And I had to talk it out with you guys with different perspectives and different identities that you're juggling totally. Lifelong friendship has been our lifeline. We sincerely hope our conversation makes you feel less alone in whatever you're going through. So subscribe to Landlines on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are out now on hudc.

[Tig Notaro]

Love you.