Sarah Gadon asks about house pets

Summary

Handsome – "Sarah Gadon asks about house pets"

Release Date: December 16, 2025
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Special Guest: Sarah Gadon (question via recording)

---

Episode Overview

In this lively and freewheeling episode, comics Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin are joined (via question) by celebrated Canadian actor Sarah Gadon, who asks, "If you had to be a house pet, what house pet would you be?" The trio riff on everything from celebrity phone contacts and Oscar blunders to wild pet stories. They discuss their experiences with animals, share personal stories, and wind up in a hilarious digression about Harrison Ford and the ultimate (mispronounced) drag name: Felista Clockhart.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

Improv Troupe Names & Celebrity Contacts [03:02–09:38]

• The hosts joke about imaginary improv troupe names, with Mae pitching "Two Against One," and Fortune suggesting "Dumpster Tits."
• They trade tales about famous people in their phone contacts, including Tig's revelation that she has Warren Beatty’s phone number — much to everyone's surprise.
  • Quote: "You know whose number I have that will blow your mind?" (Tig, 05:00)
• Fortune shares her knowledge of Oscar night blunders, prompting an affectionate roast of award show moments and podcasting awards.

Language, THC, and Cultural Gaps [12:13–16:58]

• Mae recounts a story involving a THC-infused drink and her roommate’s girlfriend from China, leading to the new phrase “my soul has shrunk.”
  • Quote: “No, I don’t think I feel anything, but my soul has shrunk. And now there’s space between my soul and my body.” (Mae, 14:04)
• The conversation explores how language differences and cultural norms, like the poetic way to say “I love you” in Chinese, shape relationships.
  • “If you say something poetic about the moon, it means you’re saying, ‘I love you.’” (Mae, 15:28)

Personal Updates: Fortune’s Mom & Upcoming Projects [20:11–24:13]

• Fortune provides an update on her mother’s cancer: significant shrinkage of tumors has brought some newfound hope.
  • Quote: "She had a tumor the size of a lime that’s now the size of a grape." (Fortune, 21:25)
• Mae and Fortune discuss upcoming projects, including filming together on the Will Ferrell show and their respective approaches to on-screen glamour.

Famous Pets, Carl's Jr., and Podcast Tangents [29:01–36:46]

• Mae introduces Sarah Gadon and reveals their on-screen "wifely" connection from Netflix’s Wayward.
• The group dives into the quirks of Carl’s Jr.’s apostrophe placement, the history behind it (a typo!), and Fast Food brand trivia.
  • Quote: "It was built by the same contractor who misspelled Carl Jr. as Carl’s Jr. and so he just stuck with it." (Mae, 36:05)

The Main Question: What House Pet Would You Be? [41:42–59:03]

• After a series of detours, the gang tackles Sarah Gadon’s question:
  1. Tig: “I would be a cat…” appreciates the independence and snuggle opportunities.
  2. Mae: Agrees with cat but affirms dog person identity. Shares a story about chaotic student houses with missing snakes.
  3. Fortune: Debates birdhood but worries about cage life, ultimately settles on “a gorgeous Pomeranian” (her real dog, Biggie) after recounting a harrowing pet health scare.
     • Quote: "I’d want to be a gorgeous Pomeranian because they’re often treated like princes." (Fortune, 56:19)
• Hilarious tangents occur about pet snakes getting lost in celebrity homes (Taylor Swift!), and Dakota Johnson’s family’s pet lions.
• They wittily roast the trope of “weird” pets (snakes, spiders) and discuss the responsibilities and personalities of pet owners.

Harrison Ford, Felista Clockhart & Hollywood Pets [56:38–61:52]

• Mae dreams of being a rugged dog on Harrison Ford’s ranch, launching a riff about his rugged allure versus Kevin Costner.
• A classic Mae miscue: calling Calista Flockhart “Felista Clockhart,” which turns into an instant inside joke and drag name.
  • Quote: “Felista Clockhart. That is your new alien—that’s your drag name.” (Fortune, 57:05)
• Mae describes the surreal experience of meeting Harrison Ford and their mutual breadstick “peekaboo” across a dinner table.

Returning to Sarah’s Answer [64:23–66:26]

• Sarah Gadon responds: she’d love to be an outdoor cat but realistically is probably a turtle, leading to toad anecdotes from Wayward.
• Fortune shares her “snake scene” nightmare from “Life in Pieces” opposite Dianne Wiest.
• Quote: “Did this show called Life in Pieces ... And there was a 13-foot python on the bed with us.” (Fortune, 65:23)
• Callbacks to Indiana Jones (“Why’d it have to be snakes?”) wrap things up playfully.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “You know whose number I have that will blow your mind?”
  — Tig Notaro, [05:00]

• "No, I don’t think I feel anything, but my soul has shrunk. And now there’s space between my soul and my body.”
  — Mae Martin (recounting roommate’s girlfriend), [14:04]

• “She had a tumor the size of a lime that’s now the size of a grape.”
  — Fortune Feimster (about her mom), [21:25]

• "It was built by the same contractor who misspelled Carl Jr. as Carl’s Jr. and so he just stuck with it."
  — Mae Martin, [36:05]

• “I’d want to be a gorgeous Pomeranian because they’re often treated like princes.”
  — Fortune Feimster, [56:19]

• “Felista Clockhart. That is your new alien—that’s your drag name.”
  — Fortune Feimster, [57:05]

• “Why’d it have to be snakes?”
  — Mae Martin (as Indiana Jones), [66:18]

---

Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Improvised Improv Show: Mae pitches a show where each Alanis Morissette song leads into an improv scene.
• Soul Shrinking Under THC: A poetic and surreal description of a first-time high.
• Pet Trauma: Fortune’s grippingly comic account of flying with a gravely ill Pomeranian.
• Felista Clockhart: An accidental spoonerism becomes an instant comedic legend and drag name.
• Breadstick Stare-down with Harrison Ford: Mae’s dinner story about being treated “like a 5-year-old” by Ford is absurd and charming.

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:02] — Improv troupe name riffing
• [05:00] — Tig reveals Warren Beatty’s number
• [12:13] — Language & THC story from Mae
• [20:11] — Fortune shares her mom’s health news
• [29:01] — Sarah Gadon is introduced; question begins
• [36:05] — Carl’s Jr. typo history
• [41:42] — Return to the main question: house pet selections
• [56:38] — Harrison Ford tangent & Felista Clockhart
• [64:23] — Sarah Gadon’s house pet answer: turtle
• [65:23] — Fortune’s snake-on-set story

---

Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential Handsome romp—full of playful tangents, affectionate teasing, and comic storytelling. The central question—what house pet would you be—unleashes confessions about animal personalities, pet trauma, and the psychic draw of both cats and “gorgeous Pomeranians.” Off-topic, off-kilter, but always good-natured, this is a perfect showcase of the trio's chemistry and wit.

---

For more:

• Find tour dates via each host’s website.
• Listen to past episodes for more "cat maulings" and legendary gaffes.
• Seek out the “Felista Clockhart” drag name at your next open mic.

Transcript

[Mae Martin]

This is a Headgun Podcast. This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Wild Grain. Wild Grain is the first bake from frozen subscription box for artisanal breads, seasonal pastries and fresh pastas. All of Wild Grain's items conveniently bake in 25 minutes or less. Unlike a lot of store bought options, Wild Grain uses simple ingredients that you can actually pronounce with a slow fermentation process that's easier on your stomach. And Wild Grain now offers gluten free and plant based boxes.

[Tig Notaro]

I've been regularly getting wild grains plant based box and it's turned into a monthly treat the whole family looks forward to. This month's box included Wild Grain slow fermented olive oil ciabatta which was perfect for toast in the morning and sandwiches for lunch. We got vegan cheese pizzas for an easy quick dinner and a six pack of vegan giant chocolate chip cookies that are a new household favorite.

[Mae Martin]

For a limited time, Wild Grain is offering our listeners $30 off your first box plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.com handsome to start your subscription. You heard me. Free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com handsome that's wildgrain.com handsome. Or you can use promo code Handsome at checkout. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking how many bananas you're buying at the grocery store. Now you're eating five bananas a day, desperately trying to finish them all before they go bad.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates Northbrook, Illinois Hey Handsomes.

[Fortune Feimster]

We have a very special live show coming up for the Holidays on Monday, December 22nd. Join in the fun and festivities from anywhere in the world by getting your tickets at the link in our social media bio [e-mail] your ticket will allow.

[Tig Notaro]

You to stream the show anytime for a full week. It's the perfect gift for you and all the handsome folks in your life.

[Mae Martin]

It's going to be so fun. So go to dynastytypewriter.com or follow the link in our bio and get your ticket for our December 22nd show today.

[Fortune Feimster]

Ho ho ho.

[Mae Martin]

Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cheers. Cheers.

[Tig Notaro]

Welcome to the. Oh. Do you want to do it?

[Mae Martin]

No, I just kind of croaked. I just went.

[Fortune Feimster]

What?

[Tig Notaro]

Welcome to the handsome pod. It's me, your friend, Tig Notaro. Yay, Tig. Yay, Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's me, Fortune.

[Mae Martin]

Me, man. We're in an improv troupe.

[Tig Notaro]

What's our improv name? I have one.

[Fortune Feimster]

What?

[Tig Notaro]

I have a name.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Improv troupe.

[Mae Martin]

Ooh, not bad. What about Two Against One and all our scenes that are Two against one?

[Fortune Feimster]

I like that.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Mae Martin]

I like that.

[Fortune Feimster]

I like that. Let's go.

[Tig Notaro]

What do you have? I suggested improv.

[Fortune Feimster]

You did?

[Tig Notaro]

You suggested Two against one?

[Fortune Feimster]

How about Dumpster Tits?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, that's pretty strong. I thought of a good concept.

[Tig Notaro]

I directed it. One of us.

[Mae Martin]

I thought of a good concept for improv show, guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

You did what?

[Mae Martin]

I thought of a good concept for an improv show. So I had Lisa Gilroy, friend of the pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

Friend of the pod, at my house.

[Tig Notaro]

Very funny person. Truly one of the funniest.

[Mae Martin]

Funniest. Yeah. And we were. I was in heaven, cuz. We were playing Alanis Morissette songs and singing in our best voice. I was playing guitar, she was on drums.

[Tig Notaro]

And you sang with her.

[Mae Martin]

Stop. I knew that was coming.

[Fortune Feimster]

My best friend.

[Mae Martin]

Well, I have to come up with complicated ways to get Alanis's attention, and this is one of them. It's because we're playing a what's the matter, Mary Jane From Jagged Little Pill. Lisa's singing like there's no end to her talents. Lisa, she's singing stunningly, like, belting out these tunes. So we decided, or one of our ideas is we're going to do an improv show where we play every song on the album and there's a scene themed around each song. So there's a scene that's highly ironic. There's a scene that's head over heels. There's a scene that's if you're flawless, then you'll win my love. You know, whatever. So we. But we play the songs in between. Anyway, sorry to start the pod with this, but.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I can't wait. I can't wait to tell my bestie Lannis about this.

[Mae Martin]

Do you have her number?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, I never got her number.

[Tig Notaro]

I have it.

[Mae Martin]

Do you actually, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God, no.

[Tig Notaro]

You know whose number I have that will blow your mind. And I don't think I've ever texted with him, but he.

[Mae Martin]

I.

[Tig Notaro]

This is a real bit. I, I. Whoa, whoa.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, whoa, whoa. Oh, God. Who Is that.

[Tig Notaro]

I think I have his number. And.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, who is it? Let me see.

[Mae Martin]

Who is that?

[Fortune Feimster]

Warren. Warren Beatty.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Mae Martin]

Warren Beatty.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, indeed. I have Warren Beatty.

[Mae Martin]

And you just have his first name in there.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was either Beatty or Buffett.

[Tig Notaro]

Warren B.

[Fortune Feimster]

Could go either way. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I have never texted him, but we have mutual friends. He and Annette and Stephanie and I have mutual friends and we have socialized with them.

[Mae Martin]

Do we send him a pic?

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Mae Martin]

A selfie of all three of us? Yeah. Oh, my God. What a gorgeous man.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. He's part of that whole Oscars debacle.

[Tig Notaro]

What do you mean?

[Fortune Feimster]

You don't remember that?

[Mae Martin]

What Oscars debacle?

[Fortune Feimster]

Where they named the wrong Best Picture.

[Mae Martin]

Where they said moonlight and then it was La La Land.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

How did that happen?

[Fortune Feimster]

He. They were given the wrong card or something.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But why was there ever a card with the wrong information?

[Fortune Feimster]

It was. It was from the previous.

[Tig Notaro]

Year.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was from the previous category. Category or something. That was. And he. Crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, he announced it.

[Fortune Feimster]

He. It was. Him and Faye Dunaway were on the. They both threw each other under the bus. It was a whole.

[Tig Notaro]

And were they really trying to throw each other under the bus?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well. Cause I think it was. One of them paused and the other one was like, just read it or something.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

But the person who paused it might have been Faye. Was like, but this isn't classic. And then read it and caused that whole thing.

[Mae Martin]

I love an Oscars blunder like that. Like Adele.

[Fortune Feimster]

Never forget about Adele was classic.

[Mae Martin]

That's a gift from the universe.

[Tig Notaro]

What are some other Oscar blunders?

[Mae Martin]

Well, the slop that was the slap.

[Tig Notaro]

Heard all around the world.

[Fortune Feimster]

All around the world.

[Mae Martin]

What else?

[Fortune Feimster]

Because there are very few live events now.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Other than sports.

[Tig Notaro]

And Conan's hosting this year. Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

Uhhuh. Again.

[Mae Martin]

And we're doing our. Oh, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are we to sing.

[Tig Notaro]

And we are gonna tap dance right behind him.

[Fortune Feimster]

Can you tell Conan that we're.

[Tig Notaro]

Let him know we need to get.

[Fortune Feimster]

On our tap classes then.

[Mae Martin]

I think it's less on us and more on. If people want to see it. They need to start a formal petition. Like we need. We need to. So the support of our community.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe our way to get to that is the Golden Globes finally has a podcast category.

[Mae Martin]

Do they.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're not nominated. Don't worry. But we could.

[Tig Notaro]

Who has a.

[Fortune Feimster]

The Golden Globes. Not the podcast category this year. No. Am I crazy?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's a. Whew.

[Tig Notaro]

But you're also.

[Fortune Feimster]

But could we Be the presenters.

[Mae Martin]

You would.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, I say yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

And we come out. Yeah. And we come out and tap shoes.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And we don't tap dance.

[Fortune Feimster]

We don't tap. Like a horse.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, our horse.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. People need to see us.

[Mae Martin]

You think the smartless guys are gonna wear a horse suit? No, they're just gonna be cool and swab. We're gonna get in a horse suit.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

What are they hosting?

[Fortune Feimster]

No, no. But they have a podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

Do they?

[Fortune Feimster]

I did that to Jason during the Zootopia Press. Someone asked him about his podcast. I went, you have a podcast? And he's like, hilarious. Hilarious, hilarious. Well, I don't. Whose phone number do you have in your. Oh, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Who do you have? That would be like, what?

[Mae Martin]

I feel like I've. Anyone of note that I know I've shamelessly milked for the pod and tried to get a question from. There's no big surprises.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're hitting up all our friends.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Who do you have in your phone that might surprise us that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it wouldn't surprise you. Nally Mains. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But something that surprise. Like, you didn't think I had Warren Beatty's number?

[Fortune Feimster]

Certainly didn't think that. Do I have anyone super famous? You? I. You have a lot more than I do in my phone.

[Mae Martin]

You know what trend I like? Like, because it would be really funny if you busted out a name of an obscure childhood friend of mine that I've never talked. If you went, each.

[Tig Notaro]

How did.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Ian Peach. That was effortless.

[Fortune Feimster]

You think I don't watch your content? That was crazy, baby cakes.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, that's the guy you had a crush on as a child?

[Mae Martin]

Ian Peach was my first boyfriend.

[Tig Notaro]

But how did you remember that?

[Mae Martin]

How did you remember that?

[Fortune Feimster]

Amazing.

[Mae Martin]

That was very Tom Cruise of you. That was cool.

[Tig Notaro]

That was. That is Tom Cruise.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thank you, guys.

[Mae Martin]

I like. Have you seen the trend on like Instagram and TikTok where people go to their grandparents who don't know they're being filmed and they go, oh God, I'm so hungry, I could eat Charles McCaffrey or some. And they go, what? Charles McCaffrey? They go, how do you know that name?

[Fortune Feimster]

I haven't thought about him in 60 years.

[Tig Notaro]

I could eat Charles. They say I could eat.

[Mae Martin]

And then a random name from their grandparents childhood.

[Tig Notaro]

That is so.

[Mae Martin]

It's really.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm just going through my contacts now. Brandi Carlisle. The best. Not surprising. What? What?

[Tig Notaro]

What about an elderly male actor? Like, I pulled out Arnold.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, he doesn't have a phone number, but I Have his email. He. He doesn't have phones. He doesn't have a phone? No, he uses a iPad.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, okay, cool.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is leading to nothing other than me not communicating with you guys on this podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you have Tigoto?

[Fortune Feimster]

I have Will Frell's phone number.

[Mae Martin]

Okay, do we call him? I mean, this is just a tease.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cuz I can't call him. He doing.

[Mae Martin]

Can we prank call him? We block your number.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm not prank call.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh my God. Let's call Warren Beatty.

[Mae Martin]

Oh my God. I. We need to.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have a handyman's phone number.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, well, sure.

[Fortune Feimster]

That and a plumber. His name was John.

[Mae Martin]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Mindy Kaling.

[Tig Notaro]

This is terrible.

[Mae Martin]

This is terrible. No, this is bad terrible. This is just name dropping. Wait, what if I just died the.

[Fortune Feimster]

Night for New Kids on the Blog? Oh, I should ask him for a question.

[Tig Notaro]

How do we get this episode back on track? On track?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I thought you were gonna say nominated for an Oscar.

[Tig Notaro]

Academy Award.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Well, we're submitting this episode for sure.

[Fortune Feimster]

This one will be the one.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

What sounds fancier. Oscar or Academy Award?

[Mae Martin]

Academy Award. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Oscar's so angry at me.

[Mae Martin]

Academy Award.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

I have a weird thing that happened related to you, which is I mentioned this the other night, but I got a package that I assumed was from you, but it was addressed to you and it was from Willie Nelson has like a thc.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, I got.

[Mae Martin]

Did you get that?

[Fortune Feimster]

But it was addressed to me.

[Mae Martin]

Okay. I got Tigs. Okay, so it was from.

[Tig Notaro]

I didn't get mine.

[Mae Martin]

Well, I assumed that it's like an.

[Fortune Feimster]

Alcohol with THC in it, right?

[Mae Martin]

No alcohol. Just like.

[Tig Notaro]

And Willie's just. Hi. Packing these up, going south, taking mayor, Interchangeable.

[Mae Martin]

It's like.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

They both have short hair.

[Mae Martin]

So I got. I thought maybe because you don't get high typically you were like, I don't know, but. And then I don't really. So it's been sitting in my kitchen. And then my roommate, you know, my friend Matt and his girlfriend live in my back house.

[Tig Notaro]

Sure.

[Mae Martin]

So they came in and we're watching a movie. And my roommate's girlfriend was like, I want some of that. And she's from China. She doesn't smoke weed.

[Tig Notaro]

And what does being from China have to do?

[Mae Martin]

Well, it's so illegal.

[Tig Notaro]

Right?

[Fortune Feimster]

Right.

[Mae Martin]

Like, it is so prison right there.

[Tig Notaro]

It is so prison.

[Fortune Feimster]

So prison.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh my God. We're gonna start a new saying.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's girls, girl.

[Tig Notaro]

That's so girl.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's so.

[Mae Martin]

And what does it mean? Like, hardcore? It's.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's like.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know.

[Fortune Feimster]

We're making it up.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. It's so illegal.

[Tig Notaro]

It's so. Oh, my God, girl. That's so.

[Mae Martin]

That is. Girl. So she's like, to try it. And we were all like, I don't know if, you know, it might be kind of strong. And she was like, no, I really want to. So my friend made her a drink with it, like some soda water and ice. And she drinks it. We didn't have any. And then I kind of forgot that she'd had it. And like 40, 45 minutes go by.

[Tig Notaro]

She jumped off the building, and she's.

[Mae Martin]

No longer with us.

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[Mae Martin]

She goes totally silent. And then I go, leslie, how you doing, by the way? Do you feel anything? And she goes. She goes, no, I don't think I feel anything, but my soul has shrunk. And I went, what? And she said, my soul has shrunk and now there's space between my soul and my body. And I was like, let's just take that away from you. Isn't that wild? And then how long has she been in the States? Only four months or something. Five months.

[Fortune Feimster]

And had she ever had any thc Once before. She said, so her body's just like. Not really.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, her body's just like, what is happening? Yeah, yeah. And she was. She had a great night.

[Tig Notaro]

How old is she?

[Mae Martin]

She 35? I think 33.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, man.

[Tig Notaro]

Interesting.

[Mae Martin]

And also the. Because English is not her first language, and so she uses language so intentionally. And so. And it always is exactly what she means. And, like, you know what I mean? So to say my soul has shrunk in my. And I kind of know that feeling where you're, like, inside yourself. There's a.

[Tig Notaro]

That's really interesting when you said she uses language intentionally. So she says exactly what she means. So it's like, that would be a really great and interesting romantic relationship to be in because.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, the cultural differences between them, too, are hilarious.

[Tig Notaro]

But just like, saying what you mean so directly, and it's like, okay, well.

[Mae Martin]

She was saying that in, like, in English or like, we'll say I love you or these romantic things. And in China, they don't say that as much, but instead, if you say something poetic about the moon, it means you're saying, I love you. So if you go, the moon's looking pretty milky.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really?

[Mae Martin]

Maybe not milky.

[Tig Notaro]

Milky moon.

[Fortune Feimster]

You love me?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, as the hots for me.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's interesting.

[Mae Martin]

She's amazing.

[Fortune Feimster]

You really did like the moon, though.

[Mae Martin]

I know. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then you didn't like the person.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Even though the moon was clearly so milky.

[Fortune Feimster]

Gorgeous.

[Tig Notaro]

Milky. Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

She said the other night, and she's pretty quiet and all of a sudden she said, have you ever eaten an orange right after you have a sauna or a hot bath? I was like, I don't think so. And she said, if you do that, you will have 100% happiness. I was like, really? And she said, yeah, 100%. You're gonna taste the orange from the top of your head. Like it is gonna be euphoria. So I was like, I gotta try this. And she had an orange and in the back house, so she brought out the orange and she went to bed. And then. So later in the night I get ready for bed and then I go in the sauna and then I have my big moment, but I forgot I'd brush my teeth. So it tasted like minty toothpastey orange, which. But then after that passed, I did have some happiness.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow.

[Mae Martin]

What is my life? What is my life? Just sitting in the dark alone, eating an orange in a sauna, going on.

[Tig Notaro]

I brush my teeth. She said, 100% happiness. And I did eat an orange with after brushing my teeth. And I did feel some happiness.

[Fortune Feimster]

Something happened.

[Mae Martin]

Winter for me is all about turning my home into a cozy sanctuary. It's the small things. Bringing out extra warm blankets, maybe a couple of candles, some holiday decorations, small traditions that mark the changing of the season feel good. And that includes updating your makeup look from a simple just got to get out the door routine to festive winter glam. Thrive Cosmetics is your go to for completing any look. Every product is 100% vegan, cruelty free and made with clean skin loving ingredients that work with your skin, not against it.

[Tig Notaro]

My favorite thing about Thrive Cosmetics is how they give back by donating products and funds to help communities thrive. Every time I use Thrive products, I know I'm not just enhancing my glow. I'm helping others shine as well. Thrive Cosmetics is beauty with purpose. Try their brilliant eye brightener, a waterproof eyeshadow highlighter stick made to brighten your eyes.

[Mae Martin]

Complete your winter look. Go to thrivecosmetics.com handsome for an exclusive offer of 20 off your first order. That's Thrive Cosmetics. C A U S E M E t I c s.com Handsome.

[Tig Notaro]

You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know it's not smart not checking that your parking spot is actually a parking spot. You just wanted to run some errands. Now your car is getting towed.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Check in first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[Tig Notaro]

I'll admit it, I have a tendency to be a last minute shopper. Sometimes December can feel like the walls are closing in. You're out of ideas. Shipping dates are stretching into January and shelves are getting empty. I'm here to tell you that Aura Frames is the solution with a gift that feels personal.

[Mae Martin]

Avoid the frantic Christmas Eve shopping spree with Aura Frames. They're perfect for everyone on your list. You can share photos of moments you've shared together and keep the FR updated as you keep making new memories. Certain people on my list always feel so difficult to shop for, but everyone that I've ever gifted an aura to is delighted and it helps us stay in touch throughout the year.

[Tig Notaro]

For a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code Handsome at checkout. That's a U R A frames promo code Handsome. This deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast, so order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Throw it to fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, Fortune. How's life?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, my life. What's happening? Oh, my mom did have some good news, which is, was nice because, you know, last time we talked about her, it was looking like nothing was working. And that was bumming all of us out. And she, you know, her cancer is incurable, so it's never going, it's not going away. But some of the really big tumors have shrunk.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, great. So that was on trials she was.

[Fortune Feimster]

On, just on chemo.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, oh, right.

[Fortune Feimster]

And they said that they, she took. She was scheduled for like eight rounds, but she said oftentimes people her age can only do like four. Their body can only handle like four rounds and she's done seven.

[Mae Martin]

Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

So they, the doctors were really pleased with how much she was able to handle. Right now her bone marrow is super low, so she has to go off of it to, to try to just rest to get that back up. But she had a tumor, a tumor the size of a Lyme. That's now the Size of a grape.

[Mae Martin]

Whoa.

[Fortune Feimster]

So that was a big positive.

[Mae Martin]

That's very significant.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. So that. So she's potentially a candidate for this surgery. She's not a candidate for certain surgeries that could get rid of stuff. There's too much cancer in there. But she's a candidate for some surgery that would help dissipate some stuff some more. And. And they were. Keep reminding her, this will not get rid of it. It's not going away. So I don't. We don't want you to think this is, like, a fix, but it could help with longevity. So she's getting a couple second opinions on that, and then we'll see.

[Tig Notaro]

That is amazing.

[Fortune Feimster]

So, yeah, some positive stuff.

[Tig Notaro]

So she's a horse, man.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

She's like, I'm just gonna. I mean, the fact that she's done so many rounds is insane.

[Mae Martin]

She must have been, like, buoyed by that news, too.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, it came at a good time, because I think her spirits were starting to get pretty low. Like, she had done all these rounds and nothing was happening. And we were. And it was her only avenue at the time was chemo or immunotherapy and. Or immunotherapy. So if they didn't work, there was not much else we could do. So to have some. Some results finally. Yeah, I think made her just put a pep in her step, for sure.

[Tig Notaro]

I bet that's great.

[Fortune Feimster]

So. So that. That was good news, and that made me very happy. So I've been.

[Tig Notaro]

And when did you get that news?

[Fortune Feimster]

A week ago.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's great. Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

And you're filming.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, sorry. People are texting me.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, is it New Kids in the block?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Other than that, life is. I've just been working. Life is good.

[Mae Martin]

We're filming together tomorrow.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know, man. I.

[Mae Martin]

What if I get the giggles looking at you? Not be able to look.

[Fortune Feimster]

May is going to be doing a guest star on the Will Ferrell show, and we're going to be scene partners.

[Mae Martin]

I can't wait.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Mae Martin]

Wait.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe we should get them to put the glistening stuff on our arms. Like you got in wayward.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, like a con. Like contour. Well, I have full tattoo sleeves in what I'm filming tomorrow.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Which I liked. I liked it. They tried it out, and I. I kind of liked how it looked.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I don't think they're gonna. My character is not sexy at all in this show.

[Mae Martin]

Speak.

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean.

[Mae Martin]

Says you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. What are you talking about?

[Fortune Feimster]

You'll see when you see the show. The outfits they have me in.

[Mae Martin]

They did show me. They did show me.

[Tig Notaro]

You know there's someone for everyone.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, there is someone.

[Fortune Feimster]

I look like a vintage 90s lesbian in the outfits they have me in.

[Mae Martin]

It's incredible.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, is this from set today?

[Fortune Feimster]

This is a roast.

[Tig Notaro]

We already decided. We're not roasters.

[Fortune Feimster]

We are not. Rose.

[Tig Notaro]

I am a ribber.

[Fortune Feimster]

You. You riber.

[Tig Notaro]

And I do enjoy being ribbed.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. So are you done with Toronto? Are you?

[Tig Notaro]

No, I go back and forth.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh really?

[Tig Notaro]

And as I said, I was supposed to do a part on Fortune show, but I couldn't cuz I was in my space suit.

[Mae Martin]

I wonder if I. If it's the part I'm doing.

[Fortune Feimster]

I wouldn't. Can't imagine.

[Tig Notaro]

No, cuz I'm in town. I'm in.

[Mae Martin]

Oh yeah, true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But you need to tell casting that the three of us need to be in a scene together.

[Fortune Feimster]

Everything you do, any of us does.

[Tig Notaro]

And then I'm going to tell Star Trek, please, that you two need to.

[Fortune Feimster]

Give us a suit.

[Mae Martin]

Be seated for your spaceship.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Along our floral. I would have a hard time learning all that space jargon.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I think they've given up on me and they just give me like quips and stuff.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's perfect.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

They don't try to get you to be like, throw open the sonic transducers.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, may would be good.

[Tig Notaro]

What is a transducer?

[Mae Martin]

I think that's a line from Rocky Horror Picture show actually, that I was just trying to.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I've been.

[Mae Martin]

It's the 50th anniversary of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[Tig Notaro]

Nice. It's the 60th anniversary of Star Trek.

[Mae Martin]

Is it really?

[Tig Notaro]

And guess I never thought writing jokes and doing stand up would not only lead to Star Trek, but for the 60th anniversary of Star Trek, I'm going to be in the Rose Parade.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, on the Star Trek.

[Mae Martin]

I don't know what that is. And I react in la.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right?

[Mae Martin]

It's in the Rose Parade.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, it's on new in Pasadena. Yeah. And it's just this gigantic televised parade and it's like they have five actors from previous and current Star Trek iterations.

[Mae Martin]

Shatner.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't think. Shatner. They haven't announced Shatner.

[Fortune Feimster]

I wonder if it'd be a George Sakai or something.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, George is in it. And then Rebecca.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh my.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

Oh my.

[Mae Martin]

Are you gonna be in your costume, like in character?

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know, I just was asked to do it. And I was like, I've got to do the Rose Parade maybe.

[Mae Martin]

Is Stephanie gonna come watch from somewhere with Max and Finn?

[Tig Notaro]

Stephanie, Max, and Finn and her mom, I believe, are going.

[Mae Martin]

Text her and try to get in there. I want to wave it, I don't.

[Tig Notaro]

Think, because they're very like, they can only get me four VIP tickets.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, I don't even want vip. I just want to be by the side of the road, like, oh, oh, sure. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That's all.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

That's all.

[Fortune Feimster]

You go for it. Yeah. Have fun with some cider. Yeah, that'll be fun.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, that'll be really. I think it will be.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I. I know I've growing up and visiting Mississippi and New Orleans and stuff for Mardi Gras. I certainly. My family would have like a float and I. I would be on it waving.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, really? Did you see boobies?

[Tig Notaro]

I don't use that word.

[Fortune Feimster]

Was that a weird question? I would think Mardi Gras. There's lots of the Rose Parade.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, no, I'm saying in new. The noir. There's Mardi Gras parades all over the place. And the ones in like, New Orleans.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, people, this is your hometown.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, there's also the. The small town parades where people aren't necessarily taking their shirts off.

[Fortune Feimster]

Their loss. Have you done the New Orleans one?

[Tig Notaro]

No, I mean, I've only been to it. Oh, yeah. I've been to that many times.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are there boobies?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, they're everywhere.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, God.

[Tig Notaro]

I gotta.

[Mae Martin]

God, I gotta go.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, of course. Love the boobs.

[Tig Notaro]

And let's go to commercial.

[Fortune Feimster]

The boobs and the butts.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah. You gay?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm pretty gay. Yeah, I'm gay. I'm like gay. I'm real gay, y'. All. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love. I love a lady.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, yes, you do.

[Mae Martin]

Speaking of ladies, should we get to our question?

[Fortune Feimster]

Like a lady.

[Tig Notaro]

That's a fortune. Sing for me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, sorry. Thank you. I'm getting another text. God, I'm so popular. It's from Thomas saying, stop saying treat her like a lady. It's the best you can do.

[Tig Notaro]

We need to get a handsome float.

[Fortune Feimster]

At the Rose Parade.

[Mae Martin]

I know. I'm so excited about our question asker.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Because she's a Canadian icon. She played Laura in Wayward.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's your wife?

[Mae Martin]

That's my wife.

[Fortune Feimster]

My wife.

[Mae Martin]

And she's also just been in so much amazing stuff.

[Fortune Feimster]

Today's what take just looked at me.

[Tig Notaro]

She did the.

[Fortune Feimster]

And this one went.

[Mae Martin]

Okay. Today's question asker is a Canadian Actor who starred in films like Belle Enemy and Dracula Untold. Also, Alias Grace is such an amazing show. She also stars as Laura. My wife. My wife. On the hit Netflix miniseries Wayward, Sarah Gatton is asking today's question.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes, Sarah. She's so pretty.

[Mae Martin]

The most pretty.

[Tig Notaro]

Prettier than me?

[Mae Martin]

No, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

No one's prettier than you, Tig.

[Tig Notaro]

Thank you. Hey, handsome. Excuse my appearance. I'm in the middle of moving houses this week, and I was walking down the street and I saw this little cat.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh.

[Tig Notaro]

And it made me think, if you had to be a house pet, what house pet would you be?

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, that's just a random cat. She's just like.

[Mae Martin]

That's a random.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, but we're just getting the information, too, Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

She. She looked like, like, you know, Belle from Beauty and the Beast? That's just like in the village, like.

[Mae Martin]

Animals are just approaching. That's sort of her energy, Right?

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the energy she's bringing to them.

[Mae Martin]

Definitely. People are magnetized. Yeah. But she doesn't have to do much for that to happen.

[Fortune Feimster]

I get that. I have that a lot.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That was just so tired of all my magnetism.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm so magnetic and good looking that people just are, you know, like, you guys can barely talk right now.

[Mae Martin]

That's true.

[Tig Notaro]

I can't talk because I saw a kitty.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God. A random. I'm feeding this stray cat by my house, and then I worry about him in the rain.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Anyway, you don't worry about him otherwise.

[Mae Martin]

No, he can take care of himself. Like, he's. Someone must be. I mean, I feed him. Someone must be taken care of.

[Fortune Feimster]

There's a lot of outdoor cats.

[Tig Notaro]

I saw a funny thing on Instagram that somebody made a video of. They show this cat in the window, and then underneath it says, that's my cat in someone else's house.

[Mae Martin]

That's really funny.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, they saw their cat just in someone else's room, living a life in their neighbor's house.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's hilarious.

[Tig Notaro]

That's why I shared it, honestly, because I thought it was funny. Thank you for that. Yeah, of course. Anything, Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

So, Laura. Did you know Laura before y' all shot Wayward?

[Mae Martin]

Laura is the character. Sarah is.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's what I meant.

[Tig Notaro]

Whatevs.

[Mae Martin]

No, but we have, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, that's not your wife in real life?

[Mae Martin]

We have mutual friends, but we'd never met, but we're the exact same age from the exact same place, so it really felt like we grew up together.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

We did have an instant Like, a bond. But the first time I met her.

[Tig Notaro]

I didn't go to the same school, though.

[Mae Martin]

No, I didn't go to the same school. But I was so nervous to meet her because she's, like, a legit actor and, like, movie star. And I really wanted her to think, oh, this is a serious person who's gonna really, you know, be professional and bring their A game. And the first time I met her, I was dressed like a giant sort of anus. Like, I was hosting, like, an awards show and doing a bit, and so I was dressed like a big worm with. And it was really.

[Fortune Feimster]

And she was at that award show.

[Mae Martin]

She was like, hi, I'm.

[Tig Notaro]

And you're like, hi, I'd like to cast you in my next project.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. It was really embarrassing.

[Tig Notaro]

Just ignore the anus surrounding me.

[Mae Martin]

She lives in Toronto, actually. She was just in town. Her and her husband and baby and her mom. And then her and her husband came over to my house and rearranged my furniture. They went, that's nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's very Canadian.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. They were like, this has got to be.

[Tig Notaro]

Did they get it right?

[Mae Martin]

Yes. Changed the entire. To the point where no one's even noticed that it's changed because it should have always been that way.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's supposed to be.

[Mae Martin]

It was pretty incredible.

[Fortune Feimster]

Good guests.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, they're the best.

[Tig Notaro]

You like a guest that comes in and rearranges your house.

[Fortune Feimster]

For sure.

[Mae Martin]

Get in there. Make yourself comfortable. Don't make me do all the. Like. I like people who come in and go, okay, we're doing this. And let me. You know what I mean?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, Taking charge.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, taking charge.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm going to come over and rearrange things back to how I feel like it should go.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love it.

[Mae Martin]

Take all the legs off the chair.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love that she's traveling with a whole village. I'm. I've got. I'm so popular. I need to.

[Tig Notaro]

Who's texting you?

[Fortune Feimster]

Just a bunch of people.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, honestly, there's people in here that. There's one person who just texts me I haven't heard from in years. I guess my Jeopardy. Episode is. Oh, that's re airing. But I didn't do great on it, so we don't need to revisit that.

[Tig Notaro]

I did well in jeopardy.

[Fortune Feimster]

You did. Your Wheel of Fortune will forever. Exercise. What was it?

[Tig Notaro]

Something my Exorcist. Exorcist. Bike crashing.

[Fortune Feimster]

My Exorcist. Classic television.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right.

[Mae Martin]

She was. When she was in town, we went to, like, she had a plus one to some event and brought me. And Kathy Hilton was there, and that was really exciting for us.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, are you a Housewives fan?

[Mae Martin]

No, Sarah is. I love Paris, and so I kind of know Kathy through that.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're a Paris Hilton fan?

[Mae Martin]

I'm a deep Paris fan.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really?

[Tig Notaro]

A fan of.

[Mae Martin]

Well, her documentary is incredible. And there's a documentary about her. Yes. And basically, you know that Persona I liked a lot. She does. It's a Persona that she created in her early 20s. And you hear her talking and her voice is like, yeah, bro. Like, it's.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

What's up? And she's so smart, and she. A simple life with her and Nicole Richie.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, that show was hilarious.

[Mae Martin]

They were comedy geniuses.

[Fortune Feimster]

That was very funny.

[Mae Martin]

What a double act. And I just think she's great. And the documentary, actually. Cause she was sent to a troubled teen institute, like in my show. And so she kind of lifts the veil on that. And she's just had an interesting life. And I don't know. I'm just.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think she's. I mean, I like her.

[Mae Martin]

I want to party with her.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I'm not. I don't disagree like her. I'm just curious.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, she is. She's not a question.

[Fortune Feimster]

Carl's Jr. Commercials.

[Mae Martin]

Does she.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes. You've never seen her eat a burger.

[Mae Martin]

I love Carl's Jr. By the way.

[Fortune Feimster]

This tasty.

[Tig Notaro]

I need to talk about Carl's Jr. Yeah. How it's not Carl Jr's.

[Mae Martin]

That's a really good point.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. They put the. When it's Junior. They put the S on the name before Junior.

[Fortune Feimster]

Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Why did they do that? Why do they move?

[Tig Notaro]

That's why I'm bringing it up.

[Mae Martin]

Carl's Jr.

[Tig Notaro]

It's a very. What. Do you know why, Thomas?

[Mae Martin]

They were called Carl Juniors.

[Fortune Feimster]

Carl Junior.

[Mae Martin]

And then they were an economic disaster. But two of the restaurants consistently turned over a profit. When Mr. Karcher visited these branches, he discovered they were built by the same contractor who misspelled Carl Jr. As Carl's Jr. And so he just stuck with.

[Fortune Feimster]

With it.

[Tig Notaro]

So it's not something where it's like. That's how you do it with.

[Mae Martin]

When there's a Junior. No, it's a typo.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's a typo.

[Tig Notaro]

And they just stuck with it because.

[Fortune Feimster]

They were like, there's something to this.

[Tig Notaro]

Carl Jr Jr.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's. They. The same restaurant owns Hardee's.

[Mae Martin]

Well, I don't know, Hardy.

[Tig Notaro]

How do you know this?

[Mae Martin]

Fortune Fact.

[Fortune Feimster]

Fortune, fact.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune, fact.

[Fortune Feimster]

On Hardee's, I has great biscuits.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, you love a biscuit.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love a biscuit.

[Tig Notaro]

I have three cats and they make biscuits. Day.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cute biscuit.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Satin versus silk. It's not even a debate because satin is so bad for you and your skin. Blissey, silk is an incredible game changer. You gotta try one of Blissey's life changing silk pillowcases. They're better than cotton and they're better than synthetic satin. Voted best gift of the year. With Blissey, you'll be seeing healthier skin and hair in weeks. Blissey's pillowcases have anti aging properties that reduce fine lines and wrinkles over time. I have been steadily replacing every pillowcase I own. With Blissey, I'm never looking back. Their pillowcases are machine washable, easy to care for. I just throw them in with the rest of my bedding and they come out feeling new. With over 3 million sold, Blissey's a hit that's been featured in Vogue and on Good Morning America. So don't wait. Give Blissey's naturally cooling and breathable pillowcases a try. They're dermatologist tested and recommended. And even though I'm not a dermatologist, I recommend them as well. Because you're a listener, Blissey is offering 60 nights risk free plus an additional 30% off when you [e-mail] handsome. That's B L-I-S-S-Y.com handsome and use code handsome to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you.

[Fortune Feimster]

People talk about spring cleaning all the time, but what about the holidays? With guests arriving, you want every room of your home to be looking as good as they can. With Homaglow, you can instantly schedule top rated cleaners in your area and take home cleaning off your plate.

[Tig Notaro]

Homaglo is a top rated home service platform dedicated to helping you make your space clean and tidy. All their cleaners pass a rigorous certification and must maintain a 4.8 star average rating. I get regular cleanings with Homaglow and I'm consistently impressed with the professional quality of their cleans. With Homaglo's Forever Clean membership, I save $30 an hour on my cleanings and every clean is backed with Homaglo's happiness guarantee.

[Fortune Feimster]

Take home cleaning off your plate this holiday season by using homaglow. Head to homaglow.comhanson to get your first three hours of cleaning for only 19. That's h o m e a g l o w.com handsome.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this show.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

That is correct. The hidden gem which has become the favorite gift long after that wrapping paper is gone. Everybody.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

That's right. It's pretty much the season for gift giving, so why not give the number one rated gift we're talking about the Aura frame. It has unlimited free photos and videos.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Indeed.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

You can just upload photos of your loved ones and then give somebody the frame and they just see those photos and videos on a rotating basis.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

That's right, because you can preload that frame with photos before it even ships. How is that for frigging personal?

[Sponsor Voice 1]

It's really, really good. You can share photos and videos effortlessly. It's perfect for, you know, new grandparents or you want to give something to your loved ones this holiday season. And yes, there's a gift box included. Every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Now see, that's good because if you're like, I forgot about the holidays. I need to ship something fast. But it's going to look impersonal. It's going to arrive in a big brown box. No, it's going to arrive in a beautiful gift box with no price tag.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

So don't wait. Win the holidays now with Aura Frames. For a limited time, you can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames named number one by wire cutter. Wow.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Just use the promo code headgum at checkout. That's a u r a frames.com with the promo code Headglow Headgum. The deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast. So order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show you're listening to right now by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions obviously apply.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

Thank you, Aura Frames.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

And thank you, listener.

[Fortune Feimster]

I like Paris Hilton's mom, Kathy, because she was in the Housewives of Beverly Hills.

[Mae Martin]

Yep.

[Fortune Feimster]

And she's. Someone said that something was Hunky Dory and she was.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Who's Hunky Dory?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

She thought it was dead serious about it.

[Mae Martin]

She goes, who? Sorry, I don't know who that is.

[Fortune Feimster]

The person. And it was.

[Mae Martin]

It was good.

[Fortune Feimster]

So funny.

[Mae Martin]

It was really good television because she.

[Fortune Feimster]

Was so earnest about it.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Wait, so what house pet would you be?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Back to the serious question, because actually.

[Mae Martin]

Paris has a ton of animals.

[Fortune Feimster]

She has Pomeranians.

[Mae Martin]

Pomeranians.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just like my baby boy.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. I mean, if I could be A specific house.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm gonna get to see him soon.

[Mae Martin]

It would be Biggie.

[Fortune Feimster]

He'll be with me soon. I haven't seen him in a while.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I am excited to reconnect.

[Tig Notaro]

Will you. Will you send our love?

[Fortune Feimster]

I will. Yeah. I was gonna. I was thinking if you would see him at some point. I don't know.

[Mae Martin]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Just tell him we say hi. I will.

[Fortune Feimster]

He's. I think he's good.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

It's hard to tell with his.

[Fortune Feimster]

He doesn't answer my phone and he has red eyes. And he has dead eyes. No. I will get to spend some time with him soon. I'm very, very excited. It's been too long.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm excited to see him. It's been too long.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God. I hate being away from him.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sucks. He's from a broken home now.

[Mae Martin]

I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's just, you know, hard to coordinate because we've been in different places for a while. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

But we'll figure it out.

[Tig Notaro]

Does he have a phone?

[Fortune Feimster]

I haven't gotten him a cell phone.

[Tig Notaro]

He's not old enough. How old is he?

[Fortune Feimster]

He's like 11.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh. Yeah. He's not old enough to have a phone.

[Mae Martin]

But he. He's. He pages me.

[Fortune Feimster]

He does page.

[Tig Notaro]

Pagers still around?

[Fortune Feimster]

They've got to be.

[Tig Notaro]

Why?

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Yeah, well.

[Tig Notaro]

Just gotta be.

[Fortune Feimster]

Gotta be. It has to be around.

[Tig Notaro]

There was a comedian years ago that had a joke about the movie the Call. Is there a movie called the Call is Coming from within the House?

[Mae Martin]

No. That's the tagline for a movie. Isn't it from, like, Black Christmas or something?

[Fortune Feimster]

Right?

[Tig Notaro]

No, this is like a old timey.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know, Maybe.

[Tig Notaro]

But she reenacted it like it was when pagers were popular. That. Like, that she's going about her life and then her pager goes off and she looked down and she's like.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's funny. Yeah. I had a pager in college.

[Mae Martin]

Did you?

[Tig Notaro]

I had a pager.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I loved. It was so exciting to have one.

[Tig Notaro]

Because you get to pull over and use a pay phone. Nothing more exciting.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I think I told you I was an ra. Did I ever tell you this?

[Mae Martin]

Sorry.

[Fortune Feimster]

A resident assistant, so.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, at college? Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

You had a position of authority.

[Fortune Feimster]

I had. So I put on my board, my whiteboard on my door that. Because you're supposed to stay on campus once a month and you can't leave.

[Mae Martin]

Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I. I cannot be tamed.

[Mae Martin]

You're a ruling, Stone. You gotta.

[Fortune Feimster]

I need to go to the ihop.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I need to do a lot of things, so I would write, if I'm doing rounds, if you need me, page me. And I was straight up at the ihop eating breakfast.

[Mae Martin]

Your page is going wild.

[Fortune Feimster]

And so if someone paged me, I went to the payphone again. They don't know where it's coming from. Yeah. And these were the days where you couldn't track anything.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, a payphone just snuggling your face into that disgusting receiver I loved. And how funny that it's called a receiver.

[Fortune Feimster]

And, yeah. And the people were like, said what they needed, had no idea was that the ihop. And I was just like, you know, answer their question. And that went back to my, you know, whatever. The Smothered. That's Waffle House.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, isn't it? Like, they make a face with, like, bacon and.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

The Rudy Tooty Fresh and fruity.

[Mae Martin]

I love payphones so much. So I would get a tattoo of a payphone.

[Tig Notaro]

The last time I was at an ihop, my father surprised me at my show in Virginia. And I maybe already told this.

[Fortune Feimster]

I remember you telling us he surprised you, but you didn't tell us the IHOP part.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And then he drove out there to surprise me. It's really nice that he did that. And then he was staying in the town where I was. Maybe it was Richmond or whatever. And then the next morning, he took me to ihop and he was like, get whatever you want. This is on me.

[Mae Martin]

I love that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, nice.

[Tig Notaro]

But, like, earnestly, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's on me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Were you a vegan bake then?

[Tig Notaro]

No, this is long ago.

[Fortune Feimster]

A bunch of sausage.

[Tig Notaro]

I was. I was walking around the corner and I saw this guy leaning up like his. He always wore, you know, those biker boots with, like, the. The metal circle there, cleaning up. Yeah. He always had a knife in his boot or a pistol.

[Mae Martin]

Like, hey, kid.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yeah. But he was leaning up against the wall, and I was like, God, that guy looks like my father. Then as I got closer, I was.

[Mae Martin]

Like, oh, my God, that's my father. So nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

That would be so random. Just because you didn't see him very much. Barely.

[Tig Notaro]

It was really wild. It was really wild. And then I think I told you, but I sold out the comedy club, but it was Christmas. And he was like, wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

He was like.

[Tig Notaro]

He thought I was the biggest star in the world. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. It's like holidays. They give free tickets to companies and office parties and Stuff. But yeah, that was my last time at ihop.

[Mae Martin]

But what house pet would you be?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, right, right.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sarah's question.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, gosh.

[Fortune Feimster]

Gosh, we can't forget this.

[Tig Notaro]

I would be a cat.

[Fortune Feimster]

Of course.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, I would be.

[Mae Martin]

I mean, dogs need to. You'd be stressed. Your owner goes out, you're anxious.

[Fortune Feimster]

A lot of anxiety being a dog.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because you wouldn't give a crap. You, like, get out of here.

[Tig Notaro]

I've got a nap to take.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, leave me alone.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm snuggling on the bed. I mean, that's what I left today was our three cats.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Two of them were cleaning each other.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, there's. Yeah, I'm becoming a cat. More of a cat person.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're self sufficient. I've never had a cat. Okay.

[Mae Martin]

Once you get them, you'll see that they do have individual personalities. I never believed that until.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because sometimes they seem like dicks.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Don't you.

[Mae Martin]

I mean, I'm deep down.

[Fortune Feimster]

Am I wrong?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sometimes they're not.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, sure, sure. They'll turn on a dime and they're like, oh, yeah, right, right, right. I am scarred for life.

[Mae Martin]

That was the craziest. If you're just tuning into the podcast, dig back into the old episodes and find when Tig got mauled by her cat.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, I did. But also this is what I left today.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Cleaning his sister.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, that's cute.

[Fortune Feimster]

Let's see. Come on.

[Mae Martin]

Kitty city.

[Tig Notaro]

Cleaning his sister.

[Fortune Feimster]

Those. I of. Of all the cats I do like this kind.

[Mae Martin]

The long haired, furry ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't like the matted.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you see his arm around?

[Fortune Feimster]

Pretty cute. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, well, anyway, I'd be a cat. What about you?

[Mae Martin]

My friends were at Turtle, Turtle Tortoise. Turtle Tortoise. They were at university. It was this big house of girls and I went to visit my friends.

[Tig Notaro]

Were there boobies in there?

[Fortune Feimster]

Were their boobies.

[Mae Martin]

And they were like. I mean, it was a filthy house. Like they were, you know, and they partied all the time. And I went to stay for the weekend with my friend and one of them had a pet snake that escaped and was never found again. No, it was somewhere in the house. It escaped and it was this big. Whatever.

[Tig Notaro]

They never found it.

[Mae Martin]

It never appeared.

[Tig Notaro]

It might not have been in the house anymore.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I know I'm right.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

That. Where I was watching a late night interview with Zoe Kravitz and her mom has a snake. Okay. And they went to stay at Tay Swift's house because something was happening with their place and they needed. Or it was during the fires or something.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And the ma. And her mom, Lisa Bonet. Who's gorgeous.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So if she has a snake, you're gonna let her bring us?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. You're like.

[Fortune Feimster]

But they didn't tell Taylor, and. And Zoe didn't know her mom brought the snake. And the snake somehow got in the wall of the bathroom.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God. They get in the walls.

[Fortune Feimster]

They get.

[Mae Martin]

They go into the walls.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. And they, like, had to tear this bathroom apart.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

[Tig Notaro]

Why not just leave it in there?

[Fortune Feimster]

Because if the snake.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I guess it has to eat.

[Fortune Feimster]

If the snake came out. And Taylor Swift's house. And that's a nightmare.

[Mae Martin]

That's a nightmare.

[Tig Notaro]

Why in Taylor Swift's house. Do you know Dakota Johnson's grandmother had lions?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah.

[Mae Martin]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

In her house.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. That's insane.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is crazy.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And Dakota would pet these lions, like, go visit.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know.

[Fortune Feimster]

People are. I just.

[Tig Notaro]

I think one of them attacked Melanie.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I think she maybe got mauled as a kid or something.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my Lord.

[Tig Notaro]

God.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't. I'm not.

[Tig Notaro]

But I also don't have a lot of information. I could be completely making stuff. I might. I might have lied. I don't know.

[Fortune Feimster]

Fun fact. Yeah. I. I'm not into those kind of pets, like things that belong in nature.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

Or.

[Mae Martin]

Or snakes or tarantulas or. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't want any spider.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't want any snakes driving here. A spider came down in front of me.

[Mae Martin]

In your car.

[Tig Notaro]

In my car.

[Mae Martin]

This is why I don't want to get my license.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm scared because of a random spider cone.

[Tig Notaro]

But haven't you been driving and you see a spider and it's very distracting?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. You almost run off the road trying to avoid it. I hate spiders.

[Mae Martin]

I had a friend who. Same thing happened, and he crashed the car, basically, and then had to drive along the highway all the way home with no front windshield. On the highway. Anyway.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you say your animal.

[Mae Martin]

I'm going cat. Because that. Yeah, they just sleep and they. And they're not as needy, and they are soft and. But I don't. I'm a dog person to my core. I want to make that clear.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thank you for making that clear. Yeah. Geez.

[Tig Notaro]

That really took a serious turn.

[Mae Martin]

I had a friend that my. You know when you're a kid and there's, like, your Parents are friends with other parents, and so they make you hang out with the kid that you don't want to hang out with. So I had a friend like that who was always like, you know, sleepover at this girl's house. And I was like, she's weird. And she had tarantulas that she would feed live bugs. And the bugs were always getting loose. Crickets. And you could hear the crickets in her bedroom. And I was lying there in the bunk bed, like, get me home.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh.

[Fortune Feimster]

I almost said a bird because, like, it'd be cool to fly. But then I realized that any bird is a pet, is in a cage.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And that's not good. And usually. And not all bird owners. Hashtag not. Not all bird owners.

[Tig Notaro]

Not all bird.

[Fortune Feimster]

But sometimes they're weird.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, they're completely.

[Fortune Feimster]

And so I don't know if I'd want a weirdo being.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, maybe you'd have a weirdo that wouldn't put you in a cage and you would just, you know, and just poop all over the house, which I know you love to do.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love to poop all over the house. That's. That's tempting. But, you know, I probably would want Biggie's life. Yeah. Because.

[Tig Notaro]

He'S never had any concern. Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, he almost died that one time.

[Tig Notaro]

What happened?

[Mae Martin]

Oh, there was a medical.

[Fortune Feimster]

This was pre pod, so he never talked about it, but he had something called hge. It's something that, like, little dogs can get, and they don't know why. It can be caused from, like, stress.

[Tig Notaro]

But he didn't know he had it.

[Fortune Feimster]

He. He didn't know he had it, but he almost died. And we were traveling to New York, and when it progressively got worse on the plane.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

And he. I was like, he's dying.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, I kept taking him to the bathroom, and it. The thing smells like death. There's no other way to explain it. And I was like, he is full on dying. And then. And we just were like, when are we. When is this plane landing?

[Tig Notaro]

And you weren't like, is there a.

[Fortune Feimster]

Veterinarian on the plane? I knew there was nothing they could do. Like, he had to get to a hospital. So the end, of course, with the plane was going around the airport for a while. We finally get to New York, and it takes an hour to get in the city. We finally get. We went straight to an emergency vet, and they put us in a room, and no one was coming to help him. And he was, like, hiding from us, like, full on, like, going to pass.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I, like, went back to the nurses station and I'm like, my dog is dying, please. Oh, yeah, someone come see about him. And they were like, you know, they. They took him back. And they're like, we won't call you unless it's dire and we'll let you know in the morning. And at 4am we get a phone call. And we. But we were like. We were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And they just were like, can we put a feeding tube down? I'm like, yes. Oh, my God.

[Mae Martin]

Like, oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Lose my number.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. So for like. And then we saw the next day he was worse. We thought he'd be better. So we're like, sobbing and for it, like. But like, three days later, they fight 10 grand later, three days into it, they did blood transfusions. They. They saved his life.

[Mae Martin]

It's like an infection or something.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know. It's like that. They. This is kind of graphic, but they poop blood. Whoa. So if there are any dog listeners that experience this and it. But it's like, not just once. Dog listeners, dog listener, dog people. People who have dogs.

[Mae Martin]

There's all these dogs.

[Fortune Feimster]

I. I like to tell people this because you should take them to the vet immediately.

[Mae Martin]

I do like the idea of you.

[Tig Notaro]

Speaking their dog to the vet. They're pooping blood.

[Fortune Feimster]

Some people don't realize that what's happening.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. Or they think.

[Fortune Feimster]

Or they think it's going to pass or get better because a lot of times the dogs can be saved, but they have to go to the vet immediately.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh.

[Fortune Feimster]

Other than that, he has a pretty cushy life. And he's gorgeous.

[Mae Martin]

He gets stage time.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I wouldn't want to just be any dog. I'd want to be a gorgeous Pomeranian because they're often treated like princes.

[Mae Martin]

You know what I want to be like? I bet Harrison Ford has some big dog, maybe a couple big dogs out on his ranch or something. And he's got horses and stuff. And I bet he. I bet he roughhouses with those. Can you imagine Harrison Ford? Ah, come here, buddy. And I want to be that dog. I want to be that dog.

[Tig Notaro]

What a specific vision with Harrison Ford.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But not Felista Clockhart.

[Mae Martin]

Calista Flockhart.

[Fortune Feimster]

Falista Clockhart. Ballista Clockhart is amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

I was like, this doesn't feel right.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, Felista Clockhart.

[Fortune Feimster]

Felista Clockhart has to be your new alien. That's your Drag name.

[Mae Martin]

Oh my God.

[Tig Notaro]

It was really that moment of like. I actually, if I'm totally honest, I thought, wow. I really pulled up her name quickly.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

And then.

[Tig Notaro]

And then as I was saying, I was like, this doesn't feel. And then I thought, yeah, I'm just.

[Fortune Feimster]

Staring at you like.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Because it kind of sounded right.

[Fortune Feimster]

It is for sure.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, that's good.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh my God, I did it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have tears in my eyes. That was.

[Mae Martin]

That's really a favorite.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is our new. That's for sure. We're all doing our best.

[Mae Martin]

Oh my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's good.

[Tig Notaro]

It's a good name.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's perfect name. She might need to start using that.

[Tig Notaro]

Felista Clockhart on the.

[Fortune Feimster]

Clockhart here immediately.

[Tig Notaro]

But like, would you. Is it more him? Like, what? Do you mind if Felista Clock.

[Mae Martin]

I don't mind. I'll take all the love I can get. But specifically, I want his.

[Tig Notaro]

You think he's hot?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, I think he's.

[Fortune Feimster]

He's like rugged.

[Mae Martin]

Rugged. He's probably feeds them good food and he goes, come here, boy.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know. Are you into like a Kevin Costner type too? No.

[Mae Martin]

I instantly thought, no. But I don't know why I couldn't tell you why I'm into a Harrison Ford.

[Fortune Feimster]

Speaking of rugged actors, you know why?

[Mae Martin]

Because Harrison Ford has a vulnerability to him. That's what I love. You see him? Oh, it's hot. You're talking about my wife. You know what I mean?

[Tig Notaro]

He gets.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're talking about my wife. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You're talking about Felissa Clockhart and you think he's hot, which.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. And I want to be like him. And I just imagine his home smells like wood fire and cedar whiskey.

[Tig Notaro]

His house smells like it's on fire.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. And then also. And you know, there's quite an age difference between you and Felista. No, with.

[Mae Martin]

Harrison.

[Tig Notaro]

Harrison.

[Mae Martin]

Me and him?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Are you hot for him like, or you want to be him?

[Mae Martin]

I'm very hot for a young Harrison.

[Tig Notaro]

But not 80 something.

[Mae Martin]

I mean, I'm not turning my nose up, but. But yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Would you hook up with an 80 something year old guy?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I'll tell you what.

[Mae Martin]

I did meet Harrison Ford at a dinner with. I think I've talked about it.

[Fortune Feimster]

And who would you hook up with an 80 year old something guy?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I would. May as well.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

You're laughing at me. Turns out, yep is the answer.

[Mae Martin]

The energy was there.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really? Well, I fortune.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Mae Martin]

I sat at a table across from him and I think he didn't know if I was a girl or a boy or if I was 5 years old or 40. He didn't know what to make of me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, you don't want. You don't want him to think you're 40.

[Mae Martin]

But he holds up a napkin, he starts doing, like, a bit. Like a peekaboo bit for me. Like, I'm kid A.

[Fortune Feimster]

This happened.

[Mae Martin]

This happened in real life.

[Fortune Feimster]

I thought this was a fan.

[Mae Martin]

No, this was Harrison Ford. He goes. Because I. I met him too.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was like, why would he think. You were five?

[Tig Notaro]

Was Felista Clockhart?

[Fortune Feimster]

She was.

[Mae Martin]

It was that.

[Tig Notaro]

Why does everyone think you're a child?

[Mae Martin]

This happens to me all the time.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't understand.

[Tig Notaro]

And they just started playing peekaboo.

[Mae Martin]

No, he did, though. Well, he. He was very charming. He.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, he played peekaboo with you?

[Mae Martin]

Yes. Okay. So I'm at the event.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're like, I'm really into this.

[Mae Martin]

I'm at the event. And I go, God, f. This guy. He was like a clown. He goes. Or someone said, may, this is Harrison. Harrison, May. And he kind of looks at me.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, trying to figure out.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, trying to figure out this little.

[Tig Notaro]

Baby would love to play peekaboo.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like you say, fullest Clockheart.

[Mae Martin]

But I said, oh, we all look so dapper or something like that. I couldn't think of anything to say. And he went, yeah, we do, actually, or something like that. Then he's sitting across from me, and every time I caught his eye, he'd do something like he'd pick up a breadstick and he'd eat it really slowly, making eye contact. And then I start mirroring him. We're both doing it with the breadsticks. And then he picks up his.

[Tig Notaro]

What dinner is this?

[Mae Martin]

Was it the Critics Choice Awards? I think.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then he started playing peekaboo.

[Mae Martin]

And he is really like. I mean, I love Harrison Ford. I mean, I love Blade Runner. I love Witness. I love Fugitive Air Force.

[Tig Notaro]

Have you ever seen Star Wars?

[Mae Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Because he's in that.

[Mae Martin]

He's in that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah, he is in that.

[Mae Martin]

But anyway, he was twinkling, and I. And I. Yeah, he's sexy. He's got. He's got. He's got an earring, you know?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I know. I. He's clearly an attractive man.

[Mae Martin]

What?

[Tig Notaro]

I'm curious.

[Mae Martin]

I want to be his dog.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I was just curious.

[Mae Martin]

I want to be this big male dog that's like the Iggy Pop song.

[Tig Notaro]

I want to be your dog right in that. Iggy Pop. Oh, Wow, I thought it was Iggy Pop.

[Mae Martin]

I want to be like his. His cocker spaniel. His felista. Cocker spaniel.

[Tig Notaro]

It's the Stooges. Okay, well, Iggy Pop was the singer of the Stooges, and they have a song, I want to be your dog, also covered by Joan Jett. And also speaking of Joan Jett, I have an original I love rock and roll Joan Jett concert T shirt.

[Mae Martin]

No way.

[Tig Notaro]

I do. And I wore that to go meet a friend for dinner one night. When I was leaving, Max and Finn were having dinner at the counter. And Finn said, mayor, are you gonna wear that shirt to your dinner? And I said, yeah. And he goes, oh, okay. I was just checking. And I was like, that's weird. And then last night I had a show at Dynasty Typewriter. And before I walked out, or no, I went out, I left for the show. I had my Joan Jett shirt on. And Stephanie told me this morning that Finn said, mom mare wore her Joan Jett shirt to do her show tonight. And Stephanie was like, yeah. And he goes, yeah, I just. I don't know if I was doing a show, I would wear what I have on, like a polo and nice pants.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, you look nice enough. So he clearly, he didn't like the shirt.

[Mae Martin]

I thought you were gonna say, he's like, that's a valuable vintage shirt.

[Tig Notaro]

He's like, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

He's like. He's like, this is not nice.

[Tig Notaro]

And I asked him, I said, I showed him the shirt because I still had it on earlier today. And I said, finn, is there anything about this shirt that you don't like? Like any part of the picture or anything written on it? And he was like, no. And I said, but. And then he got like a smirk on his face. And I said, you thought it was weird I wore it to dinner one night. And then mommy told me that you thought it was weird that I wore it to my show last night. And. And he said, well, I just think you should wear something nicer on stage. And when you go out, like dinner.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

He is from another generation, another era. Like, he's.

[Tig Notaro]

He is so funny.

[Mae Martin]

He's an old soul.

[Tig Notaro]

He's looking at his 54 year old mother walking out in a rock and roll jersey going, you need to. Yeah. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, should we hear Sarah's answer?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yes. Yes, of course we should. I would love to be a cat, and preferably an outdoor cat with outdoor privileges, but I think realistically, I'm probably a turtle.

[Fortune Feimster]

A turtle.

[Tig Notaro]

I called it. I said a turtle.

[Fortune Feimster]

Or earlier, I Was too scared to be an outdoor cat. Like, especially the coyotes around here.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Mae Martin]

I will say we had a lot of toads in Wayward and we had a toad wrangler and like live toads. Oh, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

One hopped over your foot.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right.

[Mae Martin]

Recently. Yeah. And Sarah discovered she does not like having to act with toads and having to pick him up. I feel her little heartbeat.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't think I would like it either.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah. And so I kept telling her really casually, oh, we've rewritten. It's down the line, but we've rewritten this scene. And so you're gonna be in bed with a bunch of toads. And she was such a gay. She was okay, all right. She was trying to really get on board. Part of that.

[Tig Notaro]

That's so mean.

[Fortune Feimster]

So mean.

[Tig Notaro]

I had to act.

[Fortune Feimster]

I would. Did this show called Life and Pieces. We're at a recurring part and I was. I got to act with Diane Weiss, who I am obsessed with. She's amazing and an incredible actor. And I had to act. We both sat on a bed together and we were supposed to have this very emotional scene. And there was a 13 foot python. No. On the bed with us.

[Sponsor Voice 1]

You.

[Mae Martin]

Diane wanted to. And a python. What is this movie? This show?

[Fortune Feimster]

Because my character was crazy and I had a pet snake.

[Mae Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

And so the wrangler was just like, throw this big yellow python on the bed. And Diane's a like, huge animal person. Like, she's just like not phased by it. This snake's like coming towards my face. She's acting like, you know, Oscar worthy performances. And I'm just like, oh, my God, you hate snakes. I hate snakes. I was dying.

[Mae Martin]

You know who hates snakes?

[Fortune Feimster]

Who?

[Mae Martin]

Indiana Jones. Why'd it have to be snakes?

[Fortune Feimster]

Nice. Full circles.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was not pleasant. I don't want to act with snakes.

[Tig Notaro]

That'd be a fun podcast where you chat and then you have to bring everything full circle in the end.

[Mae Martin]

Yeah, that is a good.

[Fortune Feimster]

The podcast is called Full Circle.

[Tig Notaro]

No, that's called Carl's Jr.

[Fortune Feimster]

There's another one. Well, what a podcast.

[Mae Martin]

What a podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

What a podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast. What a podcast.

[Mae Martin]

What a podcast.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I guess I'll start. I'm on tour. I'm going to be in a lot of places over the holidays right after Christmas. Well, actually coming up, St. Petersburg, Florida. Orlando, Florida. Then Norfolk, Virginia. Vancouver, Seattle, Mobile, New Orleans, Atlanta, Cincinnati, Indianapolis.

[Tig Notaro]

Gosh, Good memory.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thank you.

[Tig Notaro]

That's impressive. I will also be on tour without as good of a memory. And on January 14th I'll be in Fort Lauderdale. January 15th Orlando, January 17th Jacksonville, Florida and then you can also catch me in Midland, Texas February 21st and then please stop by Charleston, West Virginia March 12th Chattanooga, oh I just opened a new document with all these new dates. Chattanooga, Tennessee March 14th go to tignotaro.com come check me out doing my minor market tour. No offense to the minor market people. And then also check out the documentary on Apple tv. Come see me in the good light.

[Mae Martin]

Do it. And I'm you go to maymartin.net and I'm on tour starting end of February and I'd love if people come doing 35 cities across America and Canada.

[Tig Notaro]

And also share your favorite episodes with people. And make sure to subscribe to our podcast and to our YouTube channel. And until then, my hands warmed up.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh it has. Until then keep it handsome.

[Tig Notaro]

Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin and Fortune Theme Steer. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willette. Email us at handsomepodmail. Follow us on Social Media ansomepod what a podcast.

[Mae Martin]

What a podcast. That was a hitgun podcast. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking if Grandma's done with dinner before clearing her plate, you're ready for dessert, but she's making the most out of every tiny bite she takes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois Quick choose a meal deal.

[Fortune Feimster]

With McValue, the five dollar McChicken meal deal, the six dollar McDouble meal deal.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Or the new seven dollar Daily Double.

[Fortune Feimster]

Meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

There's actually no rice rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only.

[Mae Martin]

Person participation may vary.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Not Bells or McDelry.