Sarah Sherman asks about last meals and gross stuff

Summary

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Handsome Podcast Episode Summary

Episode: Sarah Sherman asks about last meals and gross stuff
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Guest: Sarah Sherman (Sarah Squirm)
Date: January 13, 2026

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Overview

In this episode of "Handsome," comedians Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin are joined by Sarah Sherman (aka Sarah Squirm), SNL cast member and master of surreal comedy, who poses two thought-provoking, playfully grotesque questions: "What would be your last meal on death row?" and "What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever experienced?" The trio dives into confessional storytelling and hilarious banter, punctuated with relatable tales about family, self-improvement, confidence, and the oddities of everyday life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up: Travel, Mishaps, and Grown-Up Pajamas

• Fortune recounts waking up in a flooded Salt Lake City hotel room, speculating humorously about the water’s origin:
  • "I woke up and...walked into the other room, and it was just like the floor was covered in water. Apparently the room upstairs flooded from their toilet. I don't know." (03:08)
• The trio riff on unwanted gifts from parents, particularly odd pajamas and the art of being honest about returning them (05:12).
• The ritual of documenting “everything you do for your parents” as holiday gifts becomes a running joke (07:43).

2. Life Updates & Newfound Independence

• Mae earned a driver’s license and describes the boost to her confidence:
  • "I feel like it's changed my whole personality… You are more confident today, I feel." (15:41-15:55)
• Mae’s driving milestones—first valet, first solo drive-through (In-N-Out), first highway trip—are celebrated with giddy, childlike enthusiasm (11:47-13:49).
• A recurring riff on weird driving habits within families, especially Tig’s wife Stephanie's penchant for getting stuck behind rickety trucks (14:16).

3. Self-Reflection & Mindset Shifts

• Mae shares her recent “come to Jesus” moment about being proactive and kinder to herself, inspired by a (not-so-secret) Instagram post:
  • "Do I like myself as much as I like my friends? That's at the heart of why we don't thrive...I'm having a kind of come to Jesus week." (20:10-21:00)
• Further Instagram wisdom sparks discussion about self-narratives:
  • "Both fear and faith require you to believe in something that hasn't happened yet." (23:02-23:40)
• The hosts laugh about the difference between their own algorithm feeds: Mae receives motivational content, while Fortune gets bombarded with videos of Pomeranians and food slurping competitions (23:54-24:35).

4. Live Shows & Listener Legends: The Cherry Red Sports Bra

• The trio reminisces about a live show moment where a listener flung a cherry red sports bra onstage right after Tig made a joke about buying one during a midlife crisis:
  • "Suddenly, out of the darkness, a red sports bra...was thrown on stage." (34:11)
• The hosts express genuine admiration for their creative and hilarious fanbase (33:33-40:25).

5. Sarah Sherman’s Two Questions

A. Last Meal on Death Row

• Sarah’s challenge: “What's your last meal? You can say meal, drink, and dessert.” (40:57)

• The hosts share their elaborate (and mostly comfort-food-centered) menus:

  • Mae's Meal (53:49–55:31)

    • Starter: Shrimp dumpling wonton soup with bok choy
    • Main: Chicken pot pie with mashed potatoes, gravy, and peas ("I love peas...with butter and salt and pepper and maybe some mint.")
    • Dessert: Betty Crocker-style birthday cake
    • Drink: Lime cordial with fizzy water
    • “It sounds like someone's first meal. A pot pie!” – Tig (54:32)

  • Fortune's Meal (56:41–58:46)

    • Apps: Southwestern egg rolls from Chili’s, avocado egg rolls from Cheesecake Factory, and possibly chicken lettuce cups
    • Main: Lemon chicken piccata with lots of lemon and cream, pasta, maybe some mashed potatoes, and a side of pad thai
    • Drinks: Old fashioned with great bourbon; red wine (cabernet)
    • Dessert: Adam’s peanut butter cheesecake (Cheesecake Factory), and butterscotch budino; affogato (espresso over ice cream)
    • “I’m just gonna throw up on my way out!” – Fortune (58:46)

  • Tig’s Meal (58:57–62:26)

    • App: Buffalo (fried) cauliflower
    • Soup: Half tomato, half lentil
    • Entrée: Big Buddha bowl (with sweet potatoes, purple rice, arugula)—all vegan
    • Dessert: Mardi Gras king cake (noting family tradition of hiding a penny in it)
    • Drink: Vegan milkshake with espresso and chocolate
    • “What I love is, like, lion's mane steak, cauliflower steak... I'm gonna throw up on my way out too.” – Tig (60:42–61:05)

  • Sarah Sherman’s Meal (63:01)

    • Despite lactose intolerance: Bacon double cheeseburger, giant (not diet) Dr. Pepper, cannoli
    • “I would take advantage of finally just getting to, like, totally evacuate my bowels…I just...let it rip one time!” – Sarah (63:01)

B. Grossest Thing You’ve Ever Experienced

• Fortune: Touching a penis as a teen (“I guess I had to touch a wiener to know I wasn't into wieners…It was pretty gross.”) (42:25–43:49)
• Mae: Digging a retainer out of restaurant garbage and wearing it immediately after (“...he runs it under the tap, and slowly my retainer appears as the chunks of garbage fall off it.”) (45:17–47:06)
• Tig: Once ate around a dead roach found in a bowl of Vietnamese food (“Guess who finds a dead roach in their bowl? …I said, that's okay, I'll eat around it.”) (48:13-49:39)
• Fortune (bonus): Cleaning out her mother’s hoarder home (“…it took us like a week and a half, and it felt like it was never gonna end.”) (51:14–53:11)
• Sarah Sherman: Cooking and eating goat brains for a video at age 23 (“...for a video that wasn’t funny, I got a bunch of goat brains and...ate them.”) (63:56)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Hotel Water Catastrophe

• "So you got up in the night, you stepped in water. You thought, I'm just gonna keep milling about my business." — Mae (03:48)

Driving Confidence

• "I'm done with being driven. I never want to be driven again." — Mae (15:35)

Self-Help Irony

• "That question that your friend named social media asked you..." — Tig (22:29)

Cherry Red Sports Bra Legend

• "I tried it out on Stephanie...I said, how when people are going through a midlife crisis, they buy a cherry red sports [car]. I'm gonna buy a cherry red sports bra." — Tig (34:17)
• "This cherry red sports bra flies on stage...I thought you planted it, that, like, you somehow set this joke up." — Fortune (35:07)

Gruesome Confessions

• "I guess I had to touch a wiener to know I wasn't into wieners...It was pretty gross." — Fortune (42:25)
• *"I told the waiter and the waiter went to take my bowl. And I said, 'that's okay. No, I'll eat around it.' — Tig (49:18)
• "He runs it under the tap, and slowly my retainer appears as the chunks of garbage fall off it." — Mae (46:36)

Candid Last Meals

• "I'm just gonna throw up on my way out!" — Fortune (58:46)
• "I would take advantage of finally just getting to, like, totally evacuate my bowels in the electric chair." — Sarah Sherman (63:01)

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Important Timestamps

• 03:08 — Hotel flooding story, origins of the mystery water
• 11:47 — Mae discusses passing her driving test and related adventures
• 15:41–15:57 — The newfound confidence from driving
• 20:10–21:00 — Mae’s “come to Jesus” moment on self-compassion
• 23:02–23:40 — Fear vs. faith, Instagram motivational quotes
• 24:10–24:39 — Fortune’s exploration of slurping videos on TikTok
• 33:33–35:39 — The cherry red sports bra live show moment
• 40:57 — Sarah Sherman’s duo of questions
• 42:25–43:49 — Fortune’s “grossest thing” story (teenage anatomy experiment)
• 45:17–47:06 — Mae’s retainer-in-diner-garbage trauma
• 48:13-49:39 — Tig’s roach-in-the-soup and “I'll eat around it” anecdote
• 51:14–53:11 — Hoarding, real-life deep cleaning
• 53:49–55:39 — Mae’s last meal menu
• 56:41–58:46 — Fortune's elaborate death row meal & dessert
• 58:57–62:26 — Tig’s vegan last meal and king cake tradition
• 63:01–63:53 — Sarah Sherman’s last meal and the gross challenge of goat brains

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Tone & Style

The episode is delightfully candid and filled with the comedians' signature playfulness, self-deprecation, and unfiltered storytelling. From bathroom floods and family quirks to confessions about eating around roaches or digging through restaurant garbage, nothing is off-limits in pursuit of honesty and a great laugh.

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For New Listeners

• Expect: Revelatory, hilarious confessions on gross food, living your best life, and the weirdness of families and stand-up touring life.
• Best moments: The cherry red bra legend, the appalling “grossest” confessions, and the over-the-top last meal menus.
• Theme: No matter how ridiculous or embarrassing the stories get, the bond and laughter between Tig, Fortune, and Mae carry the episode from start to finish.

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Related Handsome Links

• Hosts’ Tour Dates:
  • Fortune: FortuneFeimster.com (64:31)
  • Mae: maymartin.net (64:53)
  • Tig: tignotaro.com (65:19)
• Podcast Info & Merch: handsomepod.com

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Episode Full of:

• Off-the-wall confessions
• Gross-out humor
• Warmth, friendship, and real talk about self-worth
• Crowd-sourced absurdity from their devoted, delightfully unhinged fans

Perfect for: Fans of smart, silly, and occasionally stomach-turning comedy.

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Transcript

[May Martin]

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[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Guess what? The guys behind the podcast Smart List started a mobile company. Why? Because they were tired of getting fleeced by Big Wireless and they think you should be too. Big Wireless has been outsmarting everyone into buying expensive unlimited plans.

[May Martin]

And you're probably paying for unlimited data that you barely end up using. And that's not smart. And with everything else getting so expensive these days, wouldn't it be nice if something costs less? Smartless Mobile offers right size plans based on what you actually use. No contracts, no overage fees, no bs. And great coverage because it runs on the T Mobile 5G network. Still unsure. Try Smartless Mobile for 14 days and if you're not happy, you'll get a full refund. It's that easy. Actually, maybe it's just that smart.

[Tig Notaro]

Visit smartlessmobile.com today. Plans start at $10 a month, and for a limited time, you can get your first month free on their 30 gigabyte plan. So you're more than covered. Just use code Handsome at checkout. Taxes and fees. Extra terms and conditions apply. Don't get outsmarted. Get Smartless Mobile.

[Fortune Feimster]

Handsome.

[May Martin]

Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cheers.

[May Martin]

Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm May Martin. Sitting here, sitting here watching the day.

[Tig Notaro]

Go by with my pals, Fortune Feenster and Tig Notaro.

[Fortune Feimster]

Woo.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

What's up, you guys?

[Tig Notaro]

What's up with you? What's your background? Where are you? What is going on, girl?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I'm on the road. So I'm in a lovely hotel room that flooded this morning. What? What? What?

[May Martin]

What?

[Fortune Feimster]

I woke up and it was. I went to grab a water and.

[Tig Notaro]

It was too much of it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was dark and I felt like a little bit of water on my foot. And I was like, did I wake up in the middle of the night and like get water and spill it? And I didn't even. It didn't occur to me to like Double check. I just kept milling about my business and then got ready and walked into the other room, and it was just like the floor was covered in water. What? Apparently another. The room upstairs flooded from their toilet. I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

I think so.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe. But I had, like, called and said you guys might need to come in here. Like, this seems like a bad leak. And they waited like two hours. No. And then the guy finally came and he was like, oh, it's actually upstairs. And I was like, okay. So he got.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune. You stepped in dirty water?

[May Martin]

Yeah, maybe it was a. Maybe it was a bath. Maybe somebody's.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, maybe there's a bath bomb in there somewhere.

[Tig Notaro]

Hey, you know, it wasn't a bathtub.

[May Martin]

It was either poo water or it could be ghost. Ghosts make things wet.

[Tig Notaro]

Ghost.

[May Martin]

Ghost water. Yeah. So you got up in the night, you stepped in water. You thought, I'm just gonna keep milling about my business.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, is this more. It was morning and. And then there's a big water stain on this ceiling. And then there's a big giant water bubble in the bathroom that's going to pop at any minute. So what? It's a fun time.

[Tig Notaro]

And do you want to release the name of the hotel and what room you're in? So people maybe want to stay in your toilet water room in the future?

[Fortune Feimster]

All I'll say is that I'm in Salt Lake City. I don't need to need to bash the hotel.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm not saying.

[Fortune Feimster]

They're just not in a hurry.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm not saying to bash them. I'm saying give out the room and. And numbers. So people are like, oh, my God, this is the toilet water room.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, the bath bomb. Water Fortune walked in. We're gonna say it was a bath bomb.

[May Martin]

Okay, okay, we can say that, but.

[Fortune Feimster]

We can. But what?

[May Martin]

Did it smell bad?

[Fortune Feimster]

It did not.

[Tig Notaro]

Did it smell good?

[Fortune Feimster]

It smelled like lavender. No. So that's been my day. It's cold. Here. I have on one of those thick. Yeah, those shirt, jacket things. This is very nice.

[Tig Notaro]

I can confirm Fortune is in one of those thick, snuggly.

[Fortune Feimster]

My mommy. My mommy bought it for Christmas.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh. How old are you, Fortune?

[May Martin]

How old are you, little baby?

[Tig Notaro]

My baby Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

My mommy bought it for me for Christmas.

[May Martin]

What if the podcast was me and Tig and a five year old?

[Tig Notaro]

Or what if we all talked like babies? Every episode? We're like, what have you been doing, Fortune?

[May Martin]

I had a big sandwich and tomorrow I might have a candy.

[Fortune Feimster]

A candy. Well, my mom bought Me, Ladies pajamas for Christmas.

[May Martin]

Pretty little ladies.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Pretty little lady pajamas. And I was like, mom, I love you, but there's no planet on which I will wear these pretty little lady pajamas. And she's like, they're soft. I was like, look at the picture of the lady on the front. Does that look like. Do we look similar in what we wear to bed?

[May Martin]

I'm glad to know that that. That never stops. Like. Yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That happens to you still may.

[May Martin]

Oh, yeah. People will buy me clothes as a gift. And they go, this is very gender neutral. This is just a, you know, a good old sweater. And I'm like, it's a.

[Tig Notaro]

This is just a ball gown.

[May Martin]

It's a scoop neck ball gown.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's just a ball gown. Anyone could wear this. Yeah. So I. I said to my mom. My mom and I have become very honest about presents, where I say, can I just. I don't want to waste your money. Can you just. Can I give this back to you so that you can return it and get your money back? And she's like, yeah, that's fine. And then we went to another store. She's like, I really want you to. I really want to get you something. Will you pick out something in the store? And I was like, I doubt I'll find anything. And we walked in for. Found this right away. I was like, amazing. Yeah.

[May Martin]

It's like sort of forest lumberman. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Perfect for my winter. I'm doing a bunch of winter cities in a row. Three in a row. So this is perfect. Anyway, enough about me. Never enough about me.

[Tig Notaro]

No, never. And what did. What did you get, Ginger?

[Fortune Feimster]

Money, honey.

[Tig Notaro]

Money, honey.

[Fortune Feimster]

I gave her a big fat check.

[May Martin]

Oh, I like that.

[Tig Notaro]

All right. And no. No present to go along with it. None whatsoever.

[Fortune Feimster]

Let's see. I took her to a nice steakhouse for Christmas Day. Yeah.

[May Martin]

That's all I ever.

[Fortune Feimster]

So that's an experience. I filled up her car with gas. I took her to a lot. Several lunches while I was home. Did these count? Yeah, of course.

[Tig Notaro]

Of course. Everything.

[Fortune Feimster]

I took her trash out. Yeah. Okay.

[May Martin]

Merry Christmas.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I made a whole. I made a whole list of everything I did and said, merry Christmas.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you really?

[Fortune Feimster]

No. Oh, no, no. I took it all away. Here's a list of everything I've done for you. This counts as a present.

[May Martin]

Yeah. And not just this year. A list of everything you've done since you were born. For Ginger.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're welcome.

[Tig Notaro]

That's always a good feeling when somebody lets you know what they did for you.

[Fortune Feimster]

Throws things in your face.

[May Martin]

They've been keeping track.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Can I ask. Yes. Salt Lake City. Is there a salty lake there? Is there an actual lake and a city? Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Do you know, Tig? Is there a salty lake here?

[Tig Notaro]

There is, and there is disappearing.

[May Martin]

Oh, man. And how come it's salty? Just natural reasons.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't know. I think I've made up in my head or heard somewhere that, like, through the shifting of the planet, somehow that's like. I. It's probably wrong, but it's still, like, from the ocean somehow. Thomas, what is the real answer?

[May Martin]

The lake has no outlet, and so all of the minerals in the lake have nowhere to go. And so because water evaporates, it just gets more and more salty.

[Tig Notaro]

So don't listen to me, Tig.

[May Martin]

Fact and fortune. Have you tasted the water in your hotel room that's leaking through the ceiling? Is it salty?

[Tig Notaro]

Did you lick it off the floor?

[Fortune Feimster]

No. Y', all, I went. I did do bottled water just because, you know, to be safe.

[May Martin]

Sure, sure.

[Tig Notaro]

So, yeah.

[May Martin]

Tig, how are you doing?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, Tig, I'm doing well. I'm. I'm home alone. It's a little scary. Oh, my God, you guys. What a funny bit you just did. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube if you want to see two of the most talented h. Successful comedians working today, doing some of their best. Let's see it again.

[May Martin]

But I only did it, like, when I saw Fortune did it. I just copied you.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right. Yeah, because that was. That was funny. I'm home alone.

[Tig Notaro]

Ah, they did it again. They did it again. I can't.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have my. My magical headset on, so it's hard to do it.

[Tig Notaro]

Your old Navy headset.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right. We need some more khakis up front.

[May Martin]

So are you. Are you gonna, like, run around the house and eat your favorite snacks?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Be in your ponties.

[May Martin]

Just go crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

That. Anyway, you jump on the bed and you're.

[Fortune Feimster]

Grab an apple and run around in your Pontius.

[Tig Notaro]

Just go nuts. How dare you.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm gonna go nuts.

[May Martin]

I'm picturing you in your sort of Granny Pontis, and you're like this around the house.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

And you got an apple session around.

[Tig Notaro]

With an apple and. Just living my best Tig life.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love that. So why are you home alone?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, Stephanie took Max and Finn to Palm Springs to see her family. I was going to go. We were all going to go as a gaggle, but there was, you know, massive rain and flash flooding, and so we. We just Stayed put. And then. And then when the weather cleared and she rescheduled it, I was busy. I have doctor appointments and I'm recording with you guys and. And I was just like, well, I'm probably going to skip this trip.

[May Martin]

So I'm going up to the desert today. Oh yeah. I'm going up to. To the desert and I'm driving up in my car because you got my license.

[Tig Notaro]

Yay. Oh my gosh. Do you drive around listening to Olivia. Olivia Rodrigo.

[May Martin]

Okay. Because she has a song driving less driver's lice.

[Tig Notaro]

License.

[May Martin]

Driver's license, yes. So I'm trying to write a song about her song. A song that's like. If I write a song that's like. I wanted to write a song about getting my driver's license, but someone already did. Like that. It's a meta song within a song. But I'm having a lot of first guys. I went to my first valet parking. I went to my first drive through all by myself.

[Tig Notaro]

And did you drive through?

[May Martin]

I drove right through it. I sat in the fucking line for 35 minutes. Sorry for swearing.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's a long drive through.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Was it in and out?

[May Martin]

People are obsessed.

[Tig Notaro]

You were at in and out?

[May Martin]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

For hours. You're sitting in the Drive thru for 35 minutes.

[May Martin]

Sitting in the line like people love. I could have just got out and walked in, but I thought when were.

[Tig Notaro]

You in this line? Was it last night by chance?

[May Martin]

It was the night before last.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Cuz we, we exited the freeway last night. We went bowling with my ex and her family.

[May Martin]

Oh, nice.

[Tig Notaro]

And so we're exiting the freeway and we're sitting in this long line of traffic. And then Stephanie goes, oh my God, this isn't traffic. This is in and out.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And we were sitting. We exited the freeway and four vegans are sitting in line to go to In N Out.

[May Martin]

That's funny. Yeah, People. People will just sit for, for an.

[Tig Notaro]

Hour just to go through it. They love it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I can't do that line.

[May Martin]

I felt like I drove on the highway to get to the arcade. I went with our friend Sabrina and her kids and I was great by myself on the highway. I was feeling great. And then did my first valet parking for the, for the arcade, which was funny. And then fancy. Then went to the drive through.

[Tig Notaro]

But then driving valet at the arcade.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know Dave and Busters there.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, did you pay with tokens when you got your car? It was raffle tickets.

[May Martin]

I think the valet was for Cheesecake Factory.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, it was.

[May Martin]

But I Snuck in there and then. But I did get really scared driving back on the highway in the dark. I. I just got in my head, and I. I wanted to go so slow. And you can't.

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Unless you're Stephanie.

[May Martin]

Does she go slow?

[Tig Notaro]

Not only does she go slow, she is like a magnet to a Sanford and Son pickup truck.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

That looks like it's headed to the dump. And there's, like, 10 million things piled on the truck with rakes.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I get too nervous behind those.

[Tig Notaro]

She doesn't even realize she's doing it. And she'll just, like, find that truck every time, and we'll be driving behind it going, That's the theme song to Sanford and Son.

[May Martin]

Oh, nice.

[Tig Notaro]

And I'm like, stephanie, we're headed to the dump again. And she's like, oh, my God, I didn't even realize I was behind this.

[Fortune Feimster]

Does she do. Does she. When y' all are all together as a family, does she drive? For the most part, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That's her preference.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Who do you think's a safer driver?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I don't want to get into this. I think we have a difference in opinions.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I think I might be. I think the fifth.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's funny. Well, you know, it's fun to be driven sometimes.

[May Martin]

I'm done with being driven. I never want to be driven again. I'm gonna be. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

I feel like it's changed my. I know it's only been, like, a week, but I do feel like it's changed my whole personality.

[Fortune Feimster]

You are more confident today, I feel.

[May Martin]

Do you think? Yeah, I feel it. I feel more confident.

[Fortune Feimster]

I can see it. You have a little pep in your step.

[May Martin]

I'm feeling pretty good. I had a. I had a. The other day, I thought, you know what? No one's coming to save us. Like, we kind of like. No.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know what I mean?

[Tig Notaro]

You know, let's hear me out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Die on this hill alone. Let's hear you out. But what. What do you mean?

[May Martin]

I kind of thought, well, someone said to me, if. How would you feel if the rulers of the world had your habits and your lifestyle? And I thought, not good. And then I thought, I better change that.

[Tig Notaro]

That's interesting. Who. Who asked you that?

[May Martin]

I actually saw it on Instagram.

[Tig Notaro]

Didn't you just say someone asked you?

[May Martin]

Okay, you've caught me in a little lie there. That's really embarrassing.

[Fortune Feimster]

Talking to me, to be fair, through the video.

[May Martin]

I guess it was probably an Instagram account called, like, Interesting Questions to Ask yourself.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then tell people you had a friend ask you this?

[May Martin]

A close friend asked me the other day.

[Fortune Feimster]

He was like, wow, your friend is very insightful.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I was just like, that's such an interesting question. Who is this person? What. What other que. What else have they asked you?

[Fortune Feimster]

Turns out it's AI.

[Tig Notaro]

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you packed a backup book to read if you're almost finished with your current one major crisis. I finished my book on the first day of my trip. Hope the hotel has a gift shop.

[May Martin]

Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote. That could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates Northbrook, Illinois Handsome is brought to you by Shipt. With Shipt, same day delivery, I never worry about how I'm gonna get my shopping done. For a few reasons, Shipt gives you same day delivery on everything you need. Groceries, decor, gifts and so much more. All from nearby stores. With an annual Shipt membership, you can place as many orders as you want and pay $0 in delivery fees on orders over $35. You also unlock exclusive deals and you can even request your favorite shoppers to shop for you on future orders.

[Tig Notaro]

Shipt is a lifesaver. I've been taking long walks around my neighborhood. I find it so relaxing. It makes me feel connected to my community and it's good exercise too. Shipt lets me take more walks because I have more time in my day. Instead of waiting in line at the grocery store, the pharmacy, the pet store and so on, I'm taking a stroll. Shipt also lets me text one on one with my shopper so I can make sure I get exactly what I need down to brand name size. Even the ripeness of my bananas. Download the app or order [e-mail] that's S H I P T. How many podcasts do you listen to where a dog is an undeniable star of the show? That's definitely the case with Handsome and Fortune's dog Biggie. Biggie is fueled by Ollie dog food. Fresh human grade meals with real ingredients available in five slow cooked recipes. Biggies are emotional support animals, so we're glad he's getting the nutritional support he needs with Ollie.

[May Martin]

With Ollie, meals are tailored to your dog's needs. Plus the Ollie app offers on demand health screenings with access to real experts. For pup peace of mind, we've noticed an extra pep in Biggie's step, an extra glimmer in his dead eyes. Your dog deserves that too. Your dog's well being starts with their food. And that's why Ollie delivers fresh human grade food that your dog will love. Head to ollie.com handsome tell them all about your dog and use code handsome to get 60% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today.

[Tig Notaro]

Plus they offer a happiness guarantee on the first box, so if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's O L l I e.com handsome and enter code handsome to get 60% off your first box.

[May Martin]

I think I was kind of thinking too, like, I have a lot of friends who are having a tough time. I've had a tough year and I was just like, do I? Because I can see clearly what they should do to fix their lives. You know what I mean? Because I care about them and, and I'm like, oh my God, I wish I could just get in your brain and fix everything. And then I thought, do I like myself as much as I like my friends? And then I kind of, I was like, that is at the heart of why we don't thrive is we don't like ourselves. We don't think we. Where we're waiting. I'm done, I'm rambling, but I'm having a kind of come to Jesus week where I'm like, yeah, I got. No one's gonna do this for me. I gott like, yeah, get up in the morning. And not that I, I wasn't in a dark place or. And I haven't like, my habits are pretty healthy, but I'm just suddenly like, life's so short.

[Tig Notaro]

And what do you think triggered that?

[May Martin]

Well, this experience I had with the psychic probably. And then also just caring for my friends and not wanting to have another year where I'm like sad in any way and I'm just like, my life is great. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Anyways, man, Instagram post inspired a lot in you.

[May Martin]

I know, I know, but I think.

[Tig Notaro]

That'S a really exciting place to be. May. I mean, and especially that my brain just flashed it. Not that you're like, I mean, who knows, maybe you are. But now that I don't think you're serving food to people in need every day, but like even making, you know, doing that coming out of your comfort zone and like doing things that are not in your regular day to day and learning how to drive and just it's always so, you know, like going Back to that question that your friend named social media asked you. But, like, that idea of how new questions, that's kind of what the show does too, is like just. It triggers your brain in such a different way when you get asked a new kind of question like that, or you step out of your comfort zone, you walk into this place to help people in need and. And those kind of moments that take you out of your.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Co. Like autopilot. Yeah.

[May Martin]

And like, being really mindful of your inner monologue and just being like, I like. Friendship is so crucial for that because your friends reflect back to you, like, you know, nice things about yourself and. And the way I feel about my friend. So I'm trying to, like, check my. I heard another great quote from a close friend and I. Facebook.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I think this is my old roommate. Facebook reached out to me yesterday.

[May Martin]

It was like, both fear and faith require you to believe in something that hasn't happened yet. And both of them are just. You're making it up. So if you're living in fear, thinking about the worst things that could happen or how everything could go wrong, it's like, well, that's not happening now. And. And so you may as well just anticipate the best things happening and have. Have faith everything's going to be good. And, you know, so I'm glad I have all these smart friends.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, you're very lucky.

[May Martin]

These really pithy quotes.

[Tig Notaro]

Not just good friends, but friends that are so connected to the millions of people. Yeah. Yeah, you're really hooked up.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. That is not what's appearing on my Instagram. What are you.

[Tig Notaro]

What's on yours?

[Fortune Feimster]

Like Pomeranians and people shoving food in their mouth, slurping it. Like.

[May Martin]

Is that a genre of video? Is people slurping?

[Fortune Feimster]

There is this thing where people are, like, eating on Tick Tock and the messier the better, and they, like, are slurping their food up. It's disgusting. And also, like, kind of like a train wreck. You can't stop watching. And they get, like, millions of views and they're like.

[Tig Notaro]

And you're part of it.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. It eats it up.

[Fortune Feimster]

You watch one video and suddenly you got 30.

[May Martin]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you still on Instagram or are you just on TikTok?

[Fortune Feimster]

Both.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

I like them both, but they both now have similar things where if you look at one video, suddenly you see a bunch of things in that bunch of slurping. Yeah, So I need. I need to get to smarter TikTok and Instagram so I can get.

[Tig Notaro]

No, ma' am. No, ma'.

[May Martin]

Am.

[Fortune Feimster]

Those kind of questions.

[May Martin]

But it's all like sort of pop psychology that I get. But some of it. Some of it makes you think.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Did you at least have a nice holiday? Was that more uplifting?

[May Martin]

Yeah, I had. I, I. I had. I hosted here for a bunch of friends, and I cooked. And it. Yeah, it felt good. I feel like the master of my domain in a way.

[Fortune Feimster]

Good.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Bought a house, bought a car. Got your license. I. We were driving to go meet my ex and her family for bowling, and we heard the driver's license song. And I was just, like, picturing you driving around listening to that song.

[May Martin]

The day I did my test, it was that pouring rainstorm. It was crazy big puddles. And I think that helped me. I think the guy was just impressed. I showed up and it was a different guy. And who? The guy that failed me the first time. I'm in line at the dmv, and he comes over and I roll down the window and goes, oh, no, I'm gonna get someone else to do your test. Oh, I guess that. Yeah. Because I guess that's the rule. Like, so he's not biased. I took it so personally. I was like, I'm safe. You can get in the car with me.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's hilarious.

[Tig Notaro]

Now I have to ask you something that sounds like a negative spin. The guy that failed me.

[May Martin]

Yeah, no, you're right. The guy who. So how would I frame it?

[Fortune Feimster]

The guy who didn't think you were ready.

[May Martin]

Yes. The guy who gave me the opportunity to get better.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Gave me the opportunity to get better.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

There we go.

[May Martin]

I was trying so hard to sort of warm him up. Like I said, you remember me? He was like, yes, I do. And I said, wayward from.

[Fortune Feimster]

You seen wayward number one, IMDb search.

[Tig Notaro]

Where are you landing on IMDb these days, May? Not that I haven't been tracking you, Thomas.

[May Martin]

Can we. Do you know how to check while we're checking?

[Tig Notaro]

You don't know how.

[Fortune Feimster]

While we're checking, should we ask, May, how this thing got in their window? Oh, that looks like a. Like a newspaper clipping has been put up as a blind.

[Tig Notaro]

Hey, did you know we would notice.

[May Martin]

This or I forgot to take it.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you think you were gonna squeak that by us?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, were you having naked time in your room and you don't want people to see? Was that. What was that?

[Tig Notaro]

Are you running around in your granny panties?

[Fortune Feimster]

Were you Gruncy pancies?

[May Martin]

Imagine if it was. I'm like, yeah, I'm feeling great. These days. And then it's newspaper all over all my windows and I'm just.

[Fortune Feimster]

It does kind of look like that.

[May Martin]

I had somebody staying in my guest room and I. I still haven't got around to putting the blinds in. And so I do have this like blackout fabric that you and I stuck it with tape. Yeah, it looks also.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the get. That's the guest room where you're recording.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I love that you make them. Look at your trophies.

[May Martin]

Listen, I just want to remind them.

[Tig Notaro]

That you are number one on Star Meter.

[May Martin]

Oh, oh.

[Fortune Feimster]

132. That's still big. Is it?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, because like most act. Most working actors are like 3,000 or 4,000.

[May Martin]

Okay, 132.

[Tig Notaro]

What is Fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm probably like 4,000.

[May Martin]

This feels toxic.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think it's like who's.

[Tig Notaro]

We should compete every time we get on here.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think the number is based on. On articles about you and how many people are searching you?

[Tig Notaro]

256.

[Fortune Feimster]

286. Really?

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune. Is fortune good for me? That's really good for anyone. And then we've got.

[May Martin]

1912.

[Tig Notaro]

That'll happen in my career.

[Fortune Feimster]

But I think it's just based on like people searching for you when a project comes out or something like that.

[Tig Notaro]

No, it's solely based on talent and long term success. And that's fine. I wish you both the best. I'll sit here at nearly 2,000. That means there's 2,000 more people than me having way more success.

[Fortune Feimster]

I feel like Normally I'm like 3,000 or something.

[May Martin]

I mean, me too. I don't think I've ever even made it on the list.

[Tig Notaro]

I think this is the highest number I've ever had.

[Fortune Feimster]

Life is good, baby.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, it is. Oh, here I have something.

[Fortune Feimster]

What is.

[May Martin]

What is that?

[Tig Notaro]

Just a. Like a little. I. I've hurt my neck because I. I've started using a CPAP machine.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's for sleep apnea.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Like I have tubes coming out of my head and. And also like a chin strap. I have to show you this video Stephanie took of me. I put it on and I put my ey mask on and my ear plugs. And then she filmed me not. I didn't know she was filming me. And then she put it to go into the chapel and we're gonna get married. Oh my God. She just zooms in on my face. And then she pans over to my glasses that are next to my bed. And then the cane that I used to use when I Broke my. My femur and had to have surgery. So that's. I can only assume she took the video because she finds me very appealing.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's love, baby.

[Tig Notaro]

Here, I'll show it to you now.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, why did it hurt your neck?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, all the tubes. Yes, I'll show you why. This.

[May Martin]

They rubbed against you like you're carrying a lot of weight on your head.

[Tig Notaro]

It's. Listen, this is so, so mortifying.

[May Martin]

Are we gonna be allowed to post? Oh, my gosh.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are those Tigs out? Do you have your Tigs out? Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

Please let us keep this.

[May Martin]

Please, can we post this?

[Fortune Feimster]

Thank. That is so funny.

[Tig Notaro]

I look like I'm about to go scuba diving.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Like, biggest eye mask I've ever seen.

[Tig Notaro]

I listen when I say have trouble sleeping.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean it with every fiber of my being.

[May Martin]

What's so funny is. Like that.

[Tig Notaro]

You tell me what is so funny.

[May Martin]

All these sleep aids for the person who is having difficulty sleeping. And they don't take into account how hard it now is for the other person to sleep next to this haunting figure with all these devices.

[Tig Notaro]

I know. I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then, ironically, you can't sleep.

[Tig Notaro]

I can't sleep. I have, like, a. I have a tube coming out of the top of my head.

[May Martin]

Why the top?

[Fortune Feimster]

Because I think it's either the.

[Tig Notaro]

For me to move my head. And can I tell you, when that went on me, what Kitty City did? They were all, like, just stunned, like, truly terrified. Anyway, that's what threw my neck out, because I'm trying to adjust myself to sleep, and if I move in the wrong direction, then the air tube comes off of my nose and then. Sounds like an air. Like a tire is like. Like, just like I've run over something and the car and my tire is going flat. And then I'm. And then I'm like, I'm sorry, Stephanie. And then I say it really loud because my ears are plugged and I can't hear. I'm sorry, Stephanie.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm sorry. She's like, God, so sexy.

[Tig Notaro]

It really is. If only we could have seen that.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's true love, though.

[Tig Notaro]

When we first. When we first found one another and she was like, yeah, I'm going to date a woman for the first time. Well, guess it's what.

[Fortune Feimster]

Guess what?

[Tig Notaro]

It's headed in this direction.

[May Martin]

So do you have, like, a heating pad on your.

[Tig Notaro]

No. It. It. It's like Ben Gay or whatever that medicine is. It's, like, warm and tingly. You know, it's the feeling of being gay hot.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Icy hot.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's what it is.

[Tig Notaro]

Ben, gay is probably the 70s.

[May Martin]

How come gay isn't our last name? All of us. That would be good.

[Tig Notaro]

Why didn't we call this podcast gay?

[Fortune Feimster]

Our last name is handsome. Yeah. Oh, we have to mention really quick before we get into our question, because we never talked about it at our live show. What? That we live streamed. How amazing was that moment where Tig made a joke about a red bra. And one of our amazing handsome listeners in the audience apparently somehow magically took off their bra in the middle of the show without anyone noticing. And suddenly, out of the darkness of red sports bra, it was this roan on stage.

[Tig Notaro]

And that's what I talked about. Not just a red bra, I said, a cherry red sports bra.

[May Martin]

Cherry bra.

[Fortune Feimster]

So can you tell me what was the joke?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it's one of the greatest jokes ever written. I tried it out on Stephanie. I was lying in bed waiting for her to finish brushing her tooth, and I said, oh, I've just thought of something funny. How when people are going through a midlife crisis, they buy a cherry red sports sports car. And I said, I don't know actually what the joke was. Something about it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm gonna buy a cherry red sports bra.

[Tig Notaro]

Sports bra.

[May Martin]

And that's. You'll know. I'm having a midlife crisis.

[Fortune Feimster]

But you didn't set. At the show. You didn't set up the car part. And so, man, I were like, what does this mean? Yeah, my midlife crisis. I'm gonna buy a cherry red sports bra. And we were like, wait, what?

[May Martin]

It must have been 15 seconds max. 10 seconds, maybe. This cherry red sports bra flies on stage.

[Fortune Feimster]

Flies on stage. And we may. And I thought you planted it, that, like, you somehow set this joke up with someone and you. And then we turned the lights on, and the lovely girl in the audience was like, no, I took it off.

[May Martin]

She has, like, maneuvered, like, done one of those, like, under the shirt, which.

[Tig Notaro]

Is hard with a regular bra, if my. If memory serves, but really hard with a sports bra.

[Fortune Feimster]

Right. It was a record scratch. One of the greatest live show moments I've ever witnessed. It was like chef's kiss. Comedic timing. Our listeners are amazing.

[May Martin]

Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. We used Squarespace to design our very own website. And so can you. They're the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and secure, succeed online. Whatever your goals. With Squarespace, you get everything you need to claim your domain, then showcase your offerings and grow your brand with a professional, personalized website that stands out from the rest. Maybe you're just starting out, or maybe you're looking to level up your business in 2026. Whatever it is, you got this With Squarespace on your side, it's time to take your online presence to the next level.

[Tig Notaro]

We used Squarespace to build our own website@handsome bandsome.com in just a few minutes. We used an existing Squarespace template to make a beautiful site that let our listeners stream a new song and admire a selfie we took. Squarespace also lets you offer services, get paid, make appointments, fundraise, create amazing marketing emails, and much more.

[May Martin]

What are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to squarespace.com handsome for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code handsome to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Tig Notaro]

Happy New Year Handsomes. Get back into an at home routine you love and elevate your space with Wayfair. From bedding and mattresses to storage solutions for every room in the house, Wayfair is your one stop. Shop for quality items. Refresh your living room with accent pillows, mirrors and yes, faux plants. Fortune for Way Less I am in.

[Fortune Feimster]

The market for some indoor plants that always look their best. I've also been shopping on Wayfair for stuff to get my new house looking its best. I picked up some blankets for my bed as well as the couch and found some storage stuff that fits perfectly in my new closets. Wayfair's got such a huge selection that you can always find the perfect item to suit your particular needs. Next up, I'm planning on tackling the kitchen and getting everything I need to make meals and entertain at home. From cookware to kitchen utensils, appliances and more.

[Tig Notaro]

Get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year. For Way Pay less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every Style Every Home Guess what? The guys behind the podcast Smart List started a mobile company. Why? Because they were tired of getting fleeced by Big Wireless and they think you should be too. Big Wireless has been outsmarting everyone into buying expensive unlimited plans. And here's the truth. Most people use less than 10 gigs each month because they're always on WI fi.

[May Martin]

Smartless Mobile offers right size plans based on what you actually use. No contracts, no overage fees, no BS and great coverage because it runs on the T Mobile 5G network. So you're covered everywhere you'd expect to be. If you're still unsure, try smartless mobile for 14 days. And if you're not happy, you get a full refund. It's that easy. Actually, maybe it's just that smart.

[Tig Notaro]

Visit smartless mobile.com today. Plans start at $10 a month, and for a limited time, you can get your first month free on their 30 gigabyte plan. So you're more than covered. Just use Code Handsome at checkout. Taxes and fees. Extra terms and conditions apply. Don't get outsmarted. Get Smartless Mobile.

[May Martin]

All three of us, like, stuff got to our feet almost, and we're. We were all just standing there sort of stunned.

[Tig Notaro]

Not almost. Didn't we all jump up? We jumped up and we were like on the edge of the.

[Fortune Feimster]

We were like, who did this?

[Tig Notaro]

The stage? Like, where did that?

[Fortune Feimster]

What the hell? It was incredible.

[May Martin]

I said, well, maybe we can try this with other things. Like, I. I love gold. And then someone gave me a gold ring. But then I felt bad. I gave it back. Yeah, but then the red sports bra woman at the end of the show came up and asked me to sign the red sports bra right on her boob.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right. And I threw her a twit. I threw her a Twix bar because that was pretty amazing. But anyway, I just had to mention that real quick.

[Tig Notaro]

We're heading home.

[Fortune Feimster]

I just had to mention it real quick because that show was so fun.

[Tig Notaro]

It was so fun.

[Fortune Feimster]

There's always something, several things that happen that are so unexpected and hilarious and nuts and crazy. And that's why I love when we can get together and do that. Our listeners are unbelievable.

[Tig Notaro]

So fun. The live shows are just so, so fun.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But then we get into our question.

[Fortune Feimster]

We should.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's do it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Today's question Asker is an actress, comedian and writer who has been a cast member on Saturday night live since 2021. She is known for her surreal comedy, which you can see in her new HBO comedy special, Sarah Squirm Live and in the flesh. Sarah Sherman, also known as Sarah Squirm, is asking today's question.

[Sarah Sherman]

Hi, handsome Podcast. I'm Sarah. I know we haven't all met officially, but I'm a big fan of all of you and I have a favorite. You have to guess which one. Just kidding. I just wanted to sew dissent amongst the podcast and see if any drama unfolded. My question is. Okay, let's say you're on death row for a crime that you did Commit. Abolish the police. But you are getting strapped into an electric chair for a heinous crime you committed. What's your last meal? What is your death row? Last meal. And it can be, you can say the meal, the accompanying drink, and the dessert. Okay, and if somebody already asked this perfect question, My follow up question, and sorry for the inconvenience, My follow up question is, I know you three have very busy schedules. You don't have time for inconveniences like this. Seriously, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. My follow up question is, what's the grossest thing you've ever experienced? Bye.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, wow. Food stuff before, but I don't know if we've ever done last meals.

[May Martin]

Yeah, let's do both questions.

[Fortune Feimster]

Let's do them both. Whatever comes to you we haven't done.

[Tig Notaro]

Last meal feels like we've done.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, what if we were food? What food would we be? And like, stuff like that. But I don't know if we did our last meal. I can't remember.

[May Martin]

And then. Grossest thing you've ever experienced that is. Really?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I touched a wiener once. I talked about that before, but that was pretty gross. Nothing. It's him and his particular wiener. Yeah, I just didn't know I wasn't into wieners yet. But I guess I had to touch a wiener to know I wasn't.

[Tig Notaro]

But were you dying to touch that one?

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Oops.

[Fortune Feimster]

He was just kind of like, you want to touch it? And I was like, I guess.

[May Martin]

And you're like, I gotta check this off my list. Like, I got it. Just touch one.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, it was just not. I mean, I was like, this is what it's supposed to feel like.

[Sarah Sherman]

Ew.

[Tig Notaro]

So this is the grossest thing you've ever done?

[Fortune Feimster]

It was pretty gross.

[Tig Notaro]

So your May, your fantasy is the grossest thing that Fortune has ever done.

[May Martin]

Wait, my fantasy is not just briefly touching a wiener? I've got bigger dreams.

[Tig Notaro]

Admit it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, you want to do it. You want to do things with the. That wiener. I don't. It just felt, you know, I don't even know how to describe was kind.

[May Martin]

Of disappointing because you were like, I'm meant to feel something.

[Fortune Feimster]

I mean, I was proud of myself that it was erect. I felt like accomplished. Because had it been not, I would have felt bad about myself. Like, ugh, I couldn't even get it.

[Tig Notaro]

But this is the grossest thing I've ever done.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's gross too.

[Tig Notaro]

This is the grossest thing I have ever done is listen to Fortune. Talk making a penis erect, but you.

[Fortune Feimster]

Do want that result. So I was happy that that was in play.

[May Martin]

Were you actually grossed out? Because also imagine how, like, I just was like, I was like, imagine like if a guy was. If a guy was saying, yeah, I did something. I did something gay to try it, but it was disgusting. You'd be like, oh, come on. It wasn't discussed.

[Fortune Feimster]

But I was also young. I was in high school. Maybe if. If I had touched one as an adult, maybe I could. Appreciated it more. But I. That opportunity never presented itself.

[May Martin]

I think I've talked about the grossest thing that I've done, but it was when I left my retainer on the table in a diner. Left the diner. Have I talked about this? I was. My mom said, do not lose your retainer. It cost 400. I said, of course, I would never lose it. But I had the anxiety about it. And it was the first day I'd got it. I went to a diner with my friend, we're 13, and left it on the table. I get a block away, middle of winter in Toronto, and I'm like. And so I run back, and the waitress says, it's not here. We cleared the table. Sorry, it's not here. And she goes, you can look in the garbages if you want. And I went back.

[Tig Notaro]

Garbages.

[May Martin]

Me and my. My kind friend, we go back into the. The kitchen, and they have big gar. There and they have bags of.

[Tig Notaro]

And it's garbages.

[May Martin]

Wait, what is. What's weird about garbages?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Oh, I guess I'm thinking, like, garbage cans.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, garbage. I'm sorry. I'm sensitive.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm sensitive. Wait, no, you wait.

[May Martin]

I looked in multiple garbages.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, garbage. Garbage. I think you just looked in the garbage.

[May Martin]

I looked through the garbage or I.

[Fortune Feimster]

Looked through the garbage cans.

[May Martin]

I put on rubber gloves with my friend, and we start sorting through just rancid food waste that. And. And this guy, he was a dishwasher back there. This. He was in his 40s. Dishwasher. He didn't speak English and he felt bad for us. And he goes, I'll help you. He puts on his gloves and we start going through the garbage, and he holds up garbages. A lump of, like, true garbages. Just a lump of, like, poo, basically.

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[May Martin]

And I always remember, he goes, hello, Hello. And. And so he's so excited, and I go, no, that's.

[Tig Notaro]

Hello. Hello.

[May Martin]

Yeah. He's trying to get our attention. And I go, that's a lump of garbage. And he runs it under the tap. And slowly my retainer appears as the chunks of garbage fall off it.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is disgusting.

[Tig Notaro]

The rumors in your mouth.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's worse than the wiener.

[May Martin]

I took it on the subway back home, gripped in my palm. And then I knew my mom was gonna check on my retainer when I got in, so I put it.

[Fortune Feimster]

You had to put it in?

[May Martin]

Yeah, but I'd rinsed it a lot, but, oh, man, it was so gross.

[Fortune Feimster]

But that's disgusting.

[May Martin]

I will always remember, like, the smell of that kitchen, and it was so hot, and people were mad at us for. They're like, get out of my way. And me and my friend were. Were probably stoned and, like, I was gagging and. Oh, man.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, that is.

[Tig Notaro]

I didn't realize my co hosts were so disgusting and gross.

[May Martin]

Whatever, but you must have changed a lot of diapers and stuff. Tag like you've had exposure. Yeah. You like poo?

[Fortune Feimster]

You like poo in the garbages?

[Tig Notaro]

I have something so gross that I did that it's gonna top touching a wiener. It's gonna top rinsing poop off a retainer and putting it in your mouth.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I can't wait. Give it to me.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you're gonna have to. In fact, I'm gonna take a moment of silence for you to have to wait.

[May Martin]

That's fair.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right. Silence.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Okay. So this is also really crazy because I think I've mentioned I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

I've gotten better over the years, but you know how germaphobes kind of have glitches where you're like, oh, sure, that's gross, but you'll. You'll do that, but you won't do this. And you. And it's like. I don't know what to tell you, that I'm fine with this, but I'm not with that. Okay. Prepare yourselves. This is disgusting. And I know I was out to eat, and I think this was before I was a germaphobe. Okay. And to me, this was just like, whatever. Nature, practical thoughts here. Whatevs. I don't even know if practical is the word. I'm out to eat with a group of friends at this Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas. We're all enjoying ourselves, having a grand old time. Guess who finds dead roach.

[May Martin]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

In their bowl of food.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

It's me. It's me. I found it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Is it you?

[Tig Notaro]

It's me. Fortune. I found that. And I told the. Wait. The waiter, and the waiter went to take My bowl. And I said, that's okay. No, I'll eat around it. Oh, yes, ma'. Am. I'll eat around it. I'll remove the roach, and then I'll eat around it till my other bowl.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. Hungry little thing.

[Tig Notaro]

It was so good. But I was like, whatever, it's a roach. Like, I'm sorry, is that grosser than rinsing? Maybe a retainer and shove it in your mouth Soup.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Roaches are pretty nasty because they eat.

[Tig Notaro]

Guess who's alive to tell the story?

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Get off of me.

[May Martin]

My God.

[Fortune Feimster]

That roach had just eaten the. That was surrounding Maze. Retainer.

[May Martin]

Retainer. And then it went on a wiener.

[Tig Notaro]

Look, it's not like I've had health issues after that.

[Fortune Feimster]

None whatsoever.

[May Martin]

But I kind of get. I get the impulse of being like, I don't want to have time where I have no bowl in front of me.

[Tig Notaro]

Exactly.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

It's like if. Like, there's no roach on the other half of this bowl. I already took that dead roach out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Would you do that? That now? No. No, I wouldn't.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I wouldn't.

[May Martin]

No, ma'.

[Tig Notaro]

Am. But, yeah, I think I was probably like 22 or something like that.

[May Martin]

Yeah. And did your friends all react like you were out of your mind?

[Tig Notaro]

Absolutely.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Absolutely.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is pretty gross.

[Tig Notaro]

Thank you. At least I didn't touch a wiener. And may.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

At least I didn't rinse poop off of my retainer and put it in my mouth.

[May Martin]

Which, by the way, clarify. It wasn't poop. It just looks okay.

[Tig Notaro]

But do you know how many roaches crawled around your retainer and put the child. Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Laid eggs in there?

[May Martin]

The desperation speaks to the fear I had about getting in trouble that remains.

[Fortune Feimster]

To this day the grossest thing, really, that I've ever experienced. I'm not going to put her on blast too much, but my mom. My mom used to have some hoarding issues. And cleaning her out of the last hoarding issue was probably the worst. One of the worst experiences of my life.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

I've never heard that. Cleaning her out, cleaning the hoarder situation.

[May Martin]

And you did it. You were. You personally were like, I'm gonna show up.

[Fortune Feimster]

And it was. I was still with Jack, so we did it together. And did you put it on your.

[Tig Notaro]

List of what you've done for her?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, it's definitely on the list. I've done it a couple. I've done it a handful of times in my lifetime for her. And it is a grand act of love because it was Relentless. And it took us like a week and a half, and it felt like it was never gonna end.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

And it was bad. It was bad. Sorry, Mom. If you're listening, you're doing great now. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And then how does that mean you hadn't visited her in a while or. She gets a pile up real fast.

[Fortune Feimster]

She gets a pile up pretty fast. But she. I had a place near her at the time, so when I visited, she would go there and I knew. I knew something was up because she wouldn't let us go in her place for, like, three years.

[May Martin]

Right.

[Fortune Feimster]

And I would be like, you have to let us. And she'd be like, nope, nope, you're not going in there. So I knew something was happening. And then I decided to sell my place. And I was like, you have no choice. You have to let us see.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And it was bad. I won't go into detail, but we can imagine. So bad.

[May Martin]

But that's the thing that you. There must be so much, like, shame around it.

[Fortune Feimster]

And there was a retainer in poop.

[May Martin]

I sometimes my wiener. My algorithm feeds me videos of. Of hoarding situations being cleaned. And it's really satisfying. The final product, like.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah. Finally, when. When we were done and it was all clean and it was like a miracle, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry every day. We were there doing this because it felt like it would never end, but we finally did it, and it is a triumphant moment. And she's doing great. She's in her place now. We redid the bathroom. We got it fixed up, the walls painted. It's a lovely, lovely place.

[May Martin]

That's awesome.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Victory.

[Fortune Feimster]

Anyway, Last meals.

[May Martin]

Last meals.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, we're doing both.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Well, because the last meal is pretty quick.

[May Martin]

I'm going shrimp dumpling, wonton soup as a starter.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, it's a multi course last meal. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Add a drink and dessert as well, because I want.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm not listening.

[May Martin]

I want, like, the Asian flavor, so I want like some bok choy in there, but just as the starter and then the main. I think I'm. I think I'm doing like a chicken pot pie with, like, mashed potatoes and gravy and maybe some peas. And then some peas.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right.

[May Martin]

And.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, hilarious.

[May Martin]

I love peas. And then dessert, I'm doing cheap birthday cake. Like.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, really? Grocery store kind.

[Tig Notaro]

This sounds like someone's first meal. A pot pie.

[May Martin]

It's very childish.

[Fortune Feimster]

What is food.

[Tig Notaro]

That is so funny.

[May Martin]

I think the dessert would be a Betty Crocker cake. One of those Ones that you make.

[Fortune Feimster]

A homemade one.

[May Martin]

I love those ones. Oh, yeah. Drink. I'm doing lime cordial with, like, fizzy water.

[Fortune Feimster]

What is that? What is that?

[Tig Notaro]

You know, I just asked.

[May Martin]

I'm. I pronounced it cordial, but I would say cordial. I self corrected because I thought you guys would make fun of me if I said cordial.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, we never.

[Tig Notaro]

Only if you said cordials.

[Fortune Feimster]

Only garbages.

[Tig Notaro]

Cordial.

[Fortune Feimster]

A lime cordial with fizz.

[May Martin]

It's just like ice cold fizzy water with just like, some lime concentrate in it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I bet that's, you know, like.

[May Martin]

The lime and soda.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

And then.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You want to be refreshed right before you go out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hell, yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because just you're sweating.

[May Martin]

I think that's it, though. What about you guys? Tough meal to follow. I know that's a tough field.

[Fortune Feimster]

Especially the bees.

[May Martin]

The peas. You're not getting peas everywhere. And the peas would be with some butter and salt and pepper and maybe some, like, mint in there.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, interesting. Mint. I've never heard of mint and peas.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I do like a pot pie, though.

[Tig Notaro]

What an odd moment for somebody to be like, what? They're on death row and they're giving their order to a chef, and if the chef was responding the way fortune was like, oh, interesting. Mint. Okay.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

To the lime cordial. All right, we'll figure that out. Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Anything else? Anything to go.

[May Martin]

The whole thing is so absurd and tragic and weird to be like. And what would you like to have your favorite things for? Like, I'd be like you.

[Tig Notaro]

Would you like. Would you like us to sing your favorite song also?

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Seriously?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah.

[May Martin]

What's your favorite color? We'll make. We'll give you a little biblical.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right, Final answer.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay. For apps, some. I would probably do a. I would do the southwestern egg rolls from Chili's and avocado egg rolls from Cheesecake Factory.

[May Martin]

Whoa.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just an egg roll sampler.

[May Martin]

Both veggie. I've never tried an avocado egg roll.

[Tig Notaro]

What's Cheesecake Factory?

[Fortune Feimster]

They're so good.

[May Martin]

Yeah. I am coming to your final day.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right. And maybe lettuce. Maybe a chicken lettuce cup as well. Well, I'm going big for my app, clearly, for my meal, I love a lemon chicken piccata. Like, a nice juicy piece of the chicken with pot. The pasta. Not some. Some piccata is mashed potatoes. But I would do pasta and it.

[Tig Notaro]

What about a little bit of both? Since you're never gonna have food again.

[Fortune Feimster]

Maybe And I would have it really lemony and creamy with artichokes and capers and.

[May Martin]

What kind of peas are you having?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know. Peas in there.

[Tig Notaro]

Get them out.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then. But then, you know, I love pad thai too, so maybe a side of pad Thai. And then for my drink, I'm doing. Because, you know, I'm about to die. So we're gonna. We're going hard. Oh, we're going old fashioned with a great bourbon in there and a red wine cab. And then for dessert, we're going. I'm getting two desserts. I'm just gonna throw up on my way out.

[May Martin]

This is not allowed. Two desserts.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm doing a cheese. The Adam's cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

What's that one?

[Fortune Feimster]

Like, that's the peanut butter one. Oh, the Reese's Butterfingers. And then I'm doing from wherever, a butterscotch boudino.

[May Martin]

What's that?

[Fortune Feimster]

It's like a. It's like a butterscotch pudding. Yeah. Nice. And then. Yeah, that's. And then I'm throwing up, and then you're out giving everyone the finger.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Jump out of the plane. What would I do for my order?

[May Martin]

Fancy.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, app.

[May Martin]

We had apps if you're having an order.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I. I think it's just fresh in my mind. Finn is very into. Is it called, like, popcorn cauliflower or, like, yummy fried cauliflower? Buffalo cauliflower.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I like yummy.

[Tig Notaro]

I'd maybe have that for an app. I also like.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right.

[Tig Notaro]

Wasn't it you two that were both so confused and grossed out when I said you combine two soups?

[May Martin]

Oh, yeah, that was interesting.

[Fortune Feimster]

I've not heard of it before.

[May Martin]

Not. Not grossed out.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, okay. Maybe Stephanie got irate about that.

[May Martin]

But this is like mixing tomato soup with carrot soup or something.

[Tig Notaro]

Tomato soup half tomato soup, half, like, lentil or something.

[May Martin]

Yeah, no, I'm on board.

[Tig Notaro]

And then I would go, I love this kind of, like, Buddha bowls that have, like, sweet potatoes and, like, purple rice and arugula.

[May Martin]

So is any mushroom. It's your last meal. Like, you want to have a cheese or a. Or a. Or a meat thing. No, you're done. Your body doesn't like it.

[Tig Notaro]

That is so revealing that going out with meat, steak and cheese, the people thing that I am withholding, that's like.

[Fortune Feimster]

When you're gonna finally try treat yourself. Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

That was like, during the pandemic, people would always ask her, like, so during the pandemic, did you Start eating meat and cheese. And I'm like, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

Why?

[Tig Notaro]

No, no. It doesn't appeal to me. What I love is, like, lion's mane steak.

[May Martin]

Ooh, like cauliflower.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, cauliflower steak. Lion's mane steak. I would like that too. I'm gonna throw up on my way out too. I think we should do, like a. A mass. Like a. Like a group death. Okay. We all go out, we just gorge ourselves and then just projectile vomit.

[May Martin]

This is so dystopian. So the three of us are in one room in three electric chairs. Three electric chairs. And people are. People are watching.

[Tig Notaro]

We have, like, the metal cup hat, so we're like. Our brains are fried.

[May Martin]

You've got your sleep apnea.

[Tig Notaro]

You have my sleep apnea machine.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

So, yeah, I would eat all that.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then cheesecake all over my face and.

[Tig Notaro]

And then I would have king cake for dessert, which is. That's the Marty Gr. Dessert celebratory cake.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's like a. It's in a ring, and they put, like, little things in it.

[May Martin]

Oh.

[Tig Notaro]

Like a baby.

[Fortune Feimster]

Baby doll.

[Tig Notaro]

I've. My family sometimes would. This is pretty gross too, but cook a penny in there. So, like, if you cut the piece that has the penny or the baby, it's good luck. And then you also host the party next year. But anyway, so I'd have to not swallow it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

How many king cake related deaths are there per year, do you think? Think.

[Tig Notaro]

I think 74 people dig through them.

[Fortune Feimster]

Every year.

[Tig Notaro]

74 Cajuns die.

[May Martin]

You know, 20. 24 people a year die from champagne corks.

[Sarah Sherman]

Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

Dang.

[May Martin]

Don't know how.

[Fortune Feimster]

Rest in peace, Auto.

[May Martin]

Yeah, maybe it. It hits a chandelier.

[Fortune Feimster]

And are you doing. And are you doing a drink?

[Tig Notaro]

The drink. And this is also vegan. I'd probably want, like, a milkshake that has, like, like, espresso beans in there and chocolate.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah. I do enough fortune. I do an affogato I want to add to mine on Alphagato.

[May Martin]

You're gonna be, like, reaching over. We're in our adjacent chairs.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hey, I forgot an affogato. Can y' all go get me one of those?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Well, there you go.

[Fortune Feimster]

Amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for the support there.

[Fortune Feimster]

Should we hear Sarah's answer?

[Tig Notaro]

I think we should.

[Sarah Sherman]

Okay. My answer for my death row meal would be I'm lactose intolerant. So in death, I would take advantage of finally just getting to, like, totally evacuate my bowels in the electric chair. I would have a bacon double cheeseburger. A giant Dr. Pepper. Not diet, because again, who cares? And a cannoli. And I just. My ass would just let it rip one time. And then the grossest thing I've ever experienced was for a video that wasn't funny. I got a bunch of goat brains and raw and I cooked them up, up and ate them.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, was it funny?

[Sarah Sherman]

But maybe it was interesting. So my excuse for that was that I was 23.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it sounds like her last meal is also the grossest thing.

[Sarah Sherman]

Go.

[Tig Notaro]

Brains.

[May Martin]

Oh, you're right. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Any of it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Sarah did indeed make us squirm.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yes, indeed.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a treat. That was fun.

[May Martin]

It's always a pleasure.

[Fortune Feimster]

It is always a pleasure.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I can't wait to get back in the studio with you, Both of you, all three of you. And another live show. Hopefully sooner than later.

[May Martin]

Yes, please.

[Fortune Feimster]

In the meantime, I'm on the road. If anybody wants to come see a show. I'll be in Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, January 18, Des Moines, Philadelphia, New York City at the Beacon on Valentine's Day. That would be a fun one for people to come. San Diego, I have a lot. It's on my website, FortuneFamester.com I am.

[May Martin]

About to go on tour. Please come and see me. Go to maymartin.net I'm going to. I'm doing 47 shows all across North America. It's going to be so dumb and fun and I really want to see people and meet people. Bring me your weird facts. And then also tonight I'm at Largo with with the Lisa Gilroy doing a surprise party where we are going to surprise each other. And I have some good stuff planned.

[Tig Notaro]

Love it. Also love the thought of everyone coming out to see my tour. January 14th, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Orlando, Florida, January 15th, Tampa, Florida, January 16th. And what else? Oklahoma City, February 20th, Midland, Texas, February 2021. The list goes on and on and on. And there will be dates and cities added. Go to tignotaro.com for all show information. And I will also be doing my shows with the incredible speed painter Amy Berkman. And we will be raising money for different charities at each show. It's going to be a grand old time.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh. Check out Amy Berkman, man. Also share your favorite episodes of Handsome with your friends and loved ones. And let's continue to build the community and subscribe to our podcast and our YouTube pages. And how about the merch?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah, we've got some new merch. That's really cool.

[May Martin]

Handsomepod.com represent it out in the world and see who you attract like you might might bump into another Handsome fan.

[Fortune Feimster]

We got some really good stuff that just came out, so check it out and and until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune, Femster, Tig Notaro, and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Wuelette. Email [e-mail] and follow us on social media at Handsome Pod what a what a podcast podcast.

[May Martin]

What a podcast. That was a headgum podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking if the water's heated up before getting in the shower. Oh boy, that icy water. That can be a bit of a shock. On the plus side, I'm now wide awake.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois New Year same extra value.

[Fortune Feimster]

Meals at McDonald's now get a savory sausage McMuffin with egg plus hash browns and a small coffee for just $5 for a limited time only.

[May Martin]

Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery.