Tom Papa asks about stolen gifts

Summary

Handsome Podcast: "Tom Papa Asks About Stolen Gifts"

Original Air Date: February 3, 2026
Hosts: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, Mae Martin
Guest Question-Asker: Tom Papa
Episode Theme: Have you ever stolen something and given it as a gift (without telling the recipient)?

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Handsome" revolves around a mischievous query from comedian Tom Papa: Have you ever stolen something and gifted it to someone without their knowledge? Tig, Fortune, and Mae take this as their jumping-off point, swapping stories about questionable gifts, childhood mischief, fake jewelry, and the ethics of gifting something with a shady backstory. Along the way, they connect over hilarious tales and more than a few tangents about party behavior, driving mishaps, and famous crushes.

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Hosts’ Catch-up and Anecdotes

Fortune’s Movie Adventures and Famous Passengers

• Film Update: Fortune shares her first day filming a new "lady-led comedy" after coming off a "dude-heavy" golf show with Will Ferrell. She reflects on adjusting her comedic performance ("You want to be funny, but not annoyingly over the top." — Fortune, 03:29).
• Driving on Set: Fortune describes the nerve-racking task of driving Kim Kardashian in a truck—this time for real, not on a trailer ("Were you driving for real?" — Mae, 04:16). She also recalls driving Jennifer Garner in an ambulance ("Had all the camera people in the back," 04:47) and a speedboat with no prior experience.
• The hosts joke about the "butchest episode" (05:45), full of stories about parking, throttles, and vehicles.

Tig and Mae: Touring, Periods, and Speed Art for Charity

• Touring and Projects: Tig updates the group on her "Minor Market Tour," performances in smaller cities, and the intense promotion of her Star Trek project and an Oscar-contemplated documentary (08:15).
• Unique Tour Collab: Tig tours with Amy Berkman, a speed artist and cancer survivor, who paints live upside-down portraits for charity auctions ("She paints a portrait within under 10 minutes and then we auction it off at the show to raise money for charity. And...we raised like $15,000 a show." — Tig, 10:45).
• Keeping it Real: Tig describes balancing creative projects and the exhaustion of industry schmoozing.

Mae’s Prank Show and Personal Updates

• Surprise Show with Lisa Gilroy: Mae recounts a prank show with Lisa where each has to surprise the other. Her prank: secretly spending a day at Universal Studios with Lisa’s husband, followed by a surprise, jealousy-inducing slideshow (13:54).
• Comeuppance: Lisa retaliates by filming a romantic sketch with Mae’s own father, contacting him herself and producing a flirtatious, cringingly hilarious video. The hosts howl with laughter as Mae shares clips:
  "I'm sorry, darling. I missed you, baby. I've missed you, too." — impersonating Mae's dad, 16:57.
• Personal Progress: Mae celebrates getting more comfortable as a new driver ("I'm way better now, guys. And I'm glad you didn't get in my car when I first got it." — Mae, 21:36) and jokes about her first make-out in a car.

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Memorable Conversations & Quotes

Kissing, Celebrity Crushes, and Cheese in Pockets

• Party Kisser vs. Pocket Cheese: The hosts riff on party hookups, with Tig and Fortune claiming they’re not "party kissers," and Mae expressing disbelief at anyone being able to reject Angelina Jolie.
• "I have cheese in my pocket": A spontaneous running gag emerges—Fortune declares this would be her excuse to avoid a kiss from Angelina ("That is now the let-down line." — Tig, 26:43). It soon spirals into merch ideas and possible t-shirts ("On the front: party kisser; on the back: I got cheese in my pocket." — Tig, 30:53).
• First Kisses and Public Smooches: Tig tells the romantic tale of her first kiss with her wife Stephanie at La Poubelle in LA, coincidentally on Valentine’s Day, both wearing Canadian sweaters and captured on camera (37:17–42:10).
  • "As soon as we touched each other, we started making out." — Tig, 38:29
• La Poubelle Language Goof: Mae realizes the restaurant’s name means "the garbage" in French, prompting jokes about "garbage makeouts" (56:36).

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Main Theme: Stolen Gifts (Prompted by Tom Papa)

Tom Papa’s Question (43:40)

• "Have you ever at any point in your life, at any age, stolen something and then given that as a gift to someone else and you never told them?"

Hosts’ Confessions and Stories

Fortune Feimster

• Trash to Treasure: As a child, Fortune took a used cross-stitched "Bless This Home" decoration from the curb and gave it to her mother for her birthday—without washing it.
  • "It even had a little... it had gotten some dings being in the trash... I'm sure she was like, 'Thanks.' Because you could tell that was used." (46:52)
• She suspects her mother threw it right back in the trash.

Tig Notaro

• The Casual Booze Heist: At an industry party, Tig was dared to casually walk up and take a bottle of scotch from the bar to give to a friend. She did it with aplomb—no one noticed.
  • "The dare was go up and just casually pick that up, just bring it over to me..." (51:42)
• Kitten Caper: As a kid, Tig once stole a kitten from a pet store and gave it to a friend whose bedsheet matched the kitten’s fur ("She named her kitten Bedspread and she kept it." — Tig, 61:11).

Mae Martin

• The Stolen (Fake) Tiffany’s: In 7th grade, Mae’s classmate gave her a necklace he claimed was from Tiffany’s. She later learned (in front of their peers) he had stolen it from a cheap mall kiosk (52:53).
  • "I was just so deeply moved by it. And then...they all started laughing...he stole it from the mall from a crappy cart." (53:01)

Tom Papa (Answer & Story) [58:13–60:23]

• Tom confesses he once stole a small cup from a gift shop as a child to gift to his grandmother. She cherished it for decades and displayed it on her "little grandma corner shelf," and Tom still has the mug.
  • "That little mug sat on that shelf...I stole that. But it made her happy. So was I wrong?"
  • He produces the mug at the end:
    "Guess what? This is it. That's the mug." (60:04)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• "You want to be funny, but not like, annoyingly over the top." — Fortune, 03:29
• "She paints a portrait within under 10 minutes and then we auction it off at the show to raise money for charity. And...we raised like $15,000 a show." — Tig, 10:45
• "I got cheese in my pocket." — (Recurs 26:41–28:00; running joke)
• "As soon as we touched each other, we started making out...our first kiss is captured." — Tig, 38:29
• "I was like, my mom's never going to know that this is not real, these trash gifts." — Fortune, 56:09
• "I stole a whole ass kitten." — Tig, 61:21

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Listener Interaction & Merch Gags

• The hosts repeatedly brainstorm new "Handsome" merch—shirts that say "Party Kisser" or "I Got Cheese in My Pocket", and joke about the recurring absurdity of their weekly conversations (30:00–31:13).
• They reminisce about how listeners send them cross stitch and crochet items—some of which Fortune keeps on her (aspirational future) shelf (49:13).

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Conclusion & Final Thoughts

• The episode wraps up with Tig sharing upcoming tour dates; Fortune and Mae do the same. Each expresses gratitude for their audience, encouraging listeners to subscribe and share favorite episodes (63:05–64:44).
• The group laughs about the theme of trash gifts, cheese, kissing, and "garbage makeouts," tying it all back to childhood lessons, odd party habits, and the joy of a little mischief when gifting someone you love.
• Tom returns to admit he did indeed steal that grandmother’s mug, "but it made her happy. Was I wrong?" (60:00).

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For New Listeners: Why You Should Listen

Come for the outright silliness; stay for the surprising moments of warmth, honesty, and relatable stories about human foibles and unexpected acts of affection—even if they sometimes involve minor larceny, cheese in unexpected places, or the mystery of a trash-picked gift.

Transcript

[May Martin]

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[Tig Notaro]

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[Thomas Ouelette]

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[May Martin]

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[Fortune Feimster]

Handsome.

[May Martin]

Chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Cheers.

[Tig Notaro]

Welcome to the Handsome Podcast. My name is Tig Notaro and I'm sitting here with.

[May Martin]

My name is May Martin, a fortune feamster.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Looking really, really like a pretty little lady.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's what you're.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, you are.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's because I have on some makeup.

[Tig Notaro]

Huh?

[May Martin]

Your eyes are popping.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are they?

[Tig Notaro]

You gu.

[Fortune Feimster]

They were like, do you want to take your makeup off? And I went, no, never doing handsome. And I want to be handsome and.

[Tig Notaro]

I want to be pretty.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I have my. I don't have any lip taint on at the moment, but the eyes are still popping.

[Tig Notaro]

I thought maybe you had invisible lip taint on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, no, just invisible mascara.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. And so you started filming your movie today. Today was your first day at work.

[Fortune Feimster]

First day at work. Everybody's really nice. And it's funny to go from, like, the golf show with Will. It's a lot of dudes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And a sporty world to, like, a lady. A lady comedy.

[May Martin]

A lady led comedy.

[Fortune Feimster]

A lady led comedy. So it's such a. Both great vibes, but just very different.

[May Martin]

Were you actually pretty little lady.

[Fortune Feimster]

Pretty little lady vibes. Yeah. We. Today was the filming.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. That's scary because you're like, are people gonna like how I'm doing it?

[Fortune Feimster]

I know. I was like, I don't know how. Because it's a big, broad comedy. And I was saying, I don't know how broad to go with my character. You, like, want to be funny, but not, like, annoyingly over the top.

[May Martin]

I say go big. Go big.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. They can always reel me in, I guess.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

But it was good. I think everybody's got nice chemistry. We're feeling comfortable, more comfortable around each other and getting to know each other. So.

[Tig Notaro]

Great.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I drove Kim Kardashian in a truck.

[May Martin]

I mean, what is your life? You drove Kim Kardashian in a truck?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, in a scene.

[Fortune Feimster]

In a scene, yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right. Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Because if you're doing that in real life, then that's like, what is your life?

[Fortune Feimster]

That's true. Yeah.

[May Martin]

But were you, Were you driving for real or were you. Was the car on the back of.

[Fortune Feimster]

One of those Driving for real? Whoa. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

See, I'm guessing it wasn't me.

[May Martin]

I'm still just impressed by driving, period. That's.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I've driven. When I did Office Christmas Party, I, I. The car stood still, sat there. I didn't drive it, but I did drive Jennifer Garner in the ambulance. That was nerve wracking.

[May Martin]

They keep getting you to drive and these.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know the ambulance is big and it had all the camera people in the back of it, so that made me nervous.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, fortune seems capable. That's why you throw her in. You know, do the driving.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then in Will's movie, you're cordially invited. I drove a speedboat.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

You're always driving.

[Fortune Feimster]

Especially I didn't even know how to drive a boat.

[Tig Notaro]

I was gonna say, I mean, that's my sweet spot. I know how to drive a boat.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I have a motorcycle.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. And they let me rip it, too. In the water.

[May Martin]

Circles like that.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. You're always driving it.

[May Martin]

Beautiful women in cars.

[Tig Notaro]

Here's what. Did you park the boat?

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm trying to think. I. I brought it up to the dock and then they, they like, kind of took it over from there, but. Yeah, I know with the throttle and stuff, you gotta push it back a little bit.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it can be a little tricky.

[May Martin]

This is the butchest episode of our podcast yet. We're talking throttles and parking. Throttles.

[Fortune Feimster]

B.

[May Martin]

When you were in the truck with Kim, did she smell good? Were you chatting between takes? What's the vibe?

[Fortune Feimster]

She's lovely, really. Just been very nice, very professional, very collaborative. She's not being like, you know, us and her, you know, we're here and she's over there. Like, it's. Yeah, she was. We chatted between takes and. Yeah, she's got a good sense of humor, so she was laughing about. I was being silly.

[May Martin]

And she's really funny. I. I mean, I watched. I've watched her many times. I've watched her and Keeping up with the Kardashians. She's very witty. They all are. Pretty witty. Pretty witty.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, they have a lot of people around them a lot. She's had, like, a group of friends she's been friends with for. Since, like, kindergarten.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Well, this is a long shoot. By the end, you're gonna be tight. You're gonna be gossiping with the gals just like you were on Will, though.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. And then because, you know, we had rehearsals the day after Nikki Glazer hosted the Golden Globe, so everyone just kind of went. I had three weeks off between shows.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So, I mean, between filming the last show and this. So it's been a shot. Like, we're all been shot out of a cannon. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Busy times. Yeah.

[May Martin]

How are you, Tag? What's going on? I haven't seen you in a while. I did a mini sode with Fortune, so. We've been. We were cheating.

[Fortune Feimster]

Talking.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Cheating on you.

[Fortune Feimster]

We were cheating on you.

[Tig Notaro]

I. I started my period. My period. Finally. Congrats, dude. Thank you.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm hoping to get 300 tampons delivered to my house because we do work.

[Fortune Feimster]

In space just for the next cycle.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm. I started my. The beginning of my minor. My. My Minor Market Tour.

[May Martin]

Minor Market Tour? Is that what you've called it? Or that's.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, yeah, I'm just. I'm I'm just hitting the places that are not like, Chicago, New York, that kind of stuff.

[May Martin]

Right. You're hitting the smaller guys.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I'm hitting the Fort Lauderdales and the Omahas and what have you.

[Thomas Ouelette]

So.

[Tig Notaro]

So I'm just hitting those kind of shows for a while and going out for long weekends. But it's been Busy as well because I had to overlap my Star Trek premiered. And then I think I told you. Yeah. That the documentary is in contention for the Oscar nomination. And so it's just been pure insanity. Like, pure insanity. Like the events and promotion and schmoozing. Yeah, it's not really my scene, I'll be honest.

[Fortune Feimster]

Really?

[Tig Notaro]

Your vibe. No, but I, you know, I want to do everything I can for the movie, but it is. It's a hard nomination to get because they typically. It's typically just like global documentaries that, that, that make it to the nominations.

[May Martin]

You know, like political situations.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, very political, very global. And. But, you know, we still have to. Had to give it all we had and hope for the best. And even if not, we have really fun projects that we're continuing to develop and work on around Andrea and Meg and with Meg, Andrea's wife. And so it's just this kind of fun creative bubble of people that really, really connected on a project and want to continue to work together because it was just. It was so special. It was just a. Yeah, it was a really special experience that we all feel very lucky that we all. It all lined up the way it did. And on our zoom today, I was talking about how. Because they announced tomorrow morning.

[May Martin]

Oh, they do? Okay. I'm setting, I'm setting my alarm and I'm checking.

[Fortune Feimster]

You get up at 5:00am yeah, that's.

[Tig Notaro]

When it's 5:30 in the morning. Where they read off the nominees.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my gosh.

[May Martin]

Why do they do it that early?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know. I think it's for the east coast press, like morning shows and stuff.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. But that's what I've been up to is I'm still filming Star Trek. It premiered, finished the promotion on that dual crazy run of promotion and doing my tour. And I'm touring with Amy Berkman, who's an incredible speed artist and our first.

[May Martin]

Oh, yes, of course. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. She's an ovarian cancer survivor. She paints a portrait within under 10 minutes and then we auction it off at the show to raise money for charity. And. Yeah, we raised like $15,000 a show.

[May Martin]

What?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Tig Notaro]

And 100% of the proceeds went to the charity. And. And we're very aligned on She's a. And so we're doing cancer charities, animal charities, and environmental charities. And it just feels. It feels good. And it was my fantasy when Andrea was alive to tour with Andrea and Amy. And then when Andrea died, I was like, man, I gotta make this right. And so I reached out to Amy and it just was a really good vibe. And she's really talented, so it feels good. Feels really good.

[May Martin]

So who's she doing the portraits of in the.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, like, we were in Fort Lauderdale the first night, and she did one of a manatee.

[Fortune Feimster]

Whoa.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

And does the audience kind of weigh in on what they want?

[Tig Notaro]

No, she. She dances to music while she's painting frantically. And. And the. And the. And the. The canvas, she flips it right side up at the end. She's painted upside down the whole time. She flips it in the end, and then you're like, oh, my God, it's a manatee. Or you're like, oh, my God, it's Andrea Gibson's face. You know, that must be, like.

[May Martin]

Something must work differently in her brain to be able to paint upside down like that. That's like a really. That's cool.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, she. She. She had very aggressive ovarian cancer, and when she lived through it, she was like, I'm gonna devote my life to doing good with my art.

[Thomas Ouelette]

So.

[Tig Notaro]

So. And she loves that. She. Yeah, she's really incredible. So that's what I've been doing. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

What about you, May?

[May Martin]

I've been working on my Frau Tropia biopic.

[Tig Notaro]

Got to.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. Dance till you die.

[May Martin]

It's a three and a half hour biopic based on no factual information.

[Tig Notaro]

Don't die during the research. Okay, May, what do you mean, voucher?

[Fortune Feimster]

Fear?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you're writing the movie, you said. Yeah, yeah. I just, you know, you have to research for a film and.

[May Martin]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't want you to dance till you die. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you not know the story?

[May Martin]

Oh, no, I know that there. I know the bullet points, and that's all I got, so. Taking a lot of artistic license on her life. No, I'm not actually doing that, but I would like to. I am. I. Well, one thing I haven't talked about on the POD is I did this. I think you guys will find this funny. I did a show with Lisa Gilroy, friend of the POD at Largo, and the premise was that we surprise each other. So it's like we each have to plan two surprises. It's really anxiety inducing because you're like, am I gonna go too far with a prank? Like, is. Is this funny?

[Tig Notaro]

And, yeah.

[May Martin]

Last time, a year ago, I got the number of her or the phone number of her husband, who I've only met once.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[May Martin]

And I secretly texted him and I took him to Universal Studios. And we. We went on all the rides and a whole.

[Fortune Feimster]

I did.

[Tig Notaro]

It was so good.

[May Martin]

So on stage with Lisa, I said, you know, I. I've only met Steve once, but we do have a relationship. And it's. It's not sexual, but it is romantic. And then I had this whole slideshow of us, like, spending the whole day together. And she was flabbergasted. And she went through this, like, whole range of emotions of, like.

[Tig Notaro]

That is so funny.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Like, at first, she, I think, was feeling protective of him. Like, is he. You know, and then was, like, so touched that two people she loves independently hung out.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then she's like, and what did you guys do together?

[Thomas Ouelette]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Then she's like. Then she's like, did you kiss? Like, she got really anxious.

[Fortune Feimster]

Did you kiss?

[Tig Notaro]

Did you touch my love?

[May Martin]

Yeah. So then I've been. I don't know how to. I didn't know how to top that. And I've been really nervous, and I. I kind of was drawing a blank, and I was nervous for how she would kind of retaliate. And so she. At the beginning of the show, she's like, my surprises were pretty. Were pretty lame. They were. I was. I painted a portrait of her, and I had Alanna Johnston pretend to be Alanis Morissette. But at the beginning of the show, Lisa's like, oh, I have this new necklace. Yeah, my admirer got it for me. And I was like, oh, no, what is this going to be? And she's like, it's okay. I'll talk about it later. And then she kept being like, oh, God, I love this necklace my admirer gave me. And then she starts playing a video, and she goes, oh, baby, are you there? It's on. Zoom. My father appears in the video. She. She has gone onto Instagram, DM'd my dad, and unbeknownst to me, they filmed this whole sketch where.

[Tig Notaro]

Hilarious.

[May Martin]

She's like, did they kiss on zip? I want to, like, just play you guys a little.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that your dad's given name as Baby?

[May Martin]

Yeah, it's Baby.

[Tig Notaro]

Baby Martin.

[Fortune Feimster]

Baby Martin.

[May Martin]

I think you're going to laugh at that because he's. He really went for it. Like, he is really goofy in it. And. Yeah, I went through the same acting.

[Fortune Feimster]

Debut on your show.

[May Martin]

Yeah, he was up for it.

[Tig Notaro]

Guys, can we do a quick check in with my eye? Is it open?

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, let's see. Well, right now you're squinting. Is that on purpose?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I have trouble seeing, so I'm always squinting these days.

[Fortune Feimster]

You Gotta do this. Do this.

[May Martin]

Definitely.

[Tig Notaro]

A little closed, this one.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Have you gotten it fixed yet?

[Tig Notaro]

No, I can't till March.

[May Martin]

Fortune. You can't tell?

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, I was asking in case they got it fixed and it was a bus.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And she's like, yeah.

[Thomas Ouelette]

I went.

[Fortune Feimster]

I went. Got it fixed. Yeah, it's working.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. All right. Sorry, May, go on.

[May Martin]

Okay, Ready?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, we're ready.

[May Martin]

I think the audio will be funny, but I'm going to show the video, and maybe I can post a little clip of the video if my dad agrees. But I'm going to show you guys. Okay? Ready?

[Fortune Feimster]

Baby, you're late.

[May Martin]

I'm sorry, darling. I missed you, baby. I've missed you, too. My.

[Fortune Feimster]

Everything. I'm wearing the necklace you got me.

[Tig Notaro]

It looks adorable.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, baby, look, I know you're taking.

[May Martin]

Me to Paris next weekend. My baby loves her croissant. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. God, you're so cute.

[Fortune Feimster]

Lisa, I love you so much. James, I would literally die for you.

[May Martin]

It goes on for a long time.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

I would love if. What if your mom walked in? I was like, what are you doing?

[May Martin]

I mean, I. I was freaking out. I don't know. It was so weird seeing my world.

[Tig Notaro]

She's done it with your mom.

[May Martin]

She's so shy. She wouldn't. Yeah, but.

[Fortune Feimster]

Hello, darling. Hello, darling Lisa.

[May Martin]

Yeah, hello, my darling. And then she showed me their email thread, her and my dad, and she'd been like, okay, James, I'll. I'll send you a Zoom. L. He wrote, okay, baby.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God. And now they're having an affair.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you see any nudes in there? Checking all state first. Could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking which hot sauce I'm using on my breakfast burrito. Big mistake. There's a big difference between medium spicy and spicy spicy. And I just learned it the.

[May Martin]

The hard way.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. All state, North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[May Martin]

It's winter, and that means more time indoors. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm staying cozy and comfortable inside with my Helix mattress. Sleep is so important. It sets you up for a good day. I've had all kinds of sleep issues, like back pain or frequently waking up. And my Helix mattress has helped so much. My only regret is that I didn't get one sooner.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Helix matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. Helix's mattresses have been tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Plus they deliver right to your door with free shipping in the us. You are going to love your mattress because Helix has a Happy with Helix guarantee to make sure you're completely satisfied. That includes a 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. I've been getting better sleep with my Helix. It's the single biggest upgrade I've made to anything in my house. I love it so much that I'm getting another one for my guest room.

[May Martin]

Go to helixsleep.com handsome for 27% off site wide exclusive for listeners of Handsome that's helixsleep.com handsome For 27% off sitewide exclusive for listeners of Handsome make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know sent you helixsleep.com Handsome.

[Thomas Ouelette]

I didn't realize a pillowcase could help with anti aging and hydration until I tried Blissy. Now it's your turn. I'm telling you, you've got to try one of Blissey's life changing silk pillowcases. With Blissey you'll be seeing healthier skin and hair in weeks. Blissey's pillowcases have anti aging properties that reduce fine lines and wrinkles over time. With over 3 million sold, they're a bestseller for a reason.

[May Martin]

Blissey offers the highest quality 100% mulberry silk, fully dermatologist tested and recommended. I've been sleeping on a Blissey pillowcase for so long when I get a scratchy cotton pillowcase at a hotel, it's just not the same. I love that I can just throw my Blisseys in the wash with the rest of my bedding. And Blissey's got more than just pillowcases. Get their matching sleep masks, bonnets and crease preventing scrunchies to complete the set. They make a perfect gift for birthdays, bridal showers, anniversaries and more.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Because you're a listener, Blissey is offering 60 nights risk free plus an additional 30% off when you [e-mail] handsome that's B L I S S-Y.com handsome and use code handsome to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you.

[May Martin]

But it really, it was still. You know when someone it's like when someone makes fun of you really specifically. It's like so touching almost.

[Tig Notaro]

But yeah, it's the best.

[May Martin]

It was thrilling. So that's my. That's my big news. Other than that, I just been driving around the town. I bought a new body wash, you know?

[Tig Notaro]

I know. I saw this. I saw this car going down the road. Just slamming into cars and light posts. Yeah. Just pinballing down the street. I was like, look at May.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Look at me go.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you getting more comfortable?

[May Martin]

Yeah, I love it. I'm way better now, guys. And I'm glad you didn't get in my car when I first got it.

[Fortune Feimster]

It, because so are we.

[Tig Notaro]

I have no plans to ever get in a car with you.

[Fortune Feimster]

I will at some point, but I will practice.

[May Martin]

Look, Kim Kardashian around. I gotta drive you guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

I've been driving since I was 12.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. Why'd you wait so late? I was, like, smoking and driving since I was born.

[May Martin]

I have my first make out of my car.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Because I've always been the passenger, princess.

[Fortune Feimster]

I think I know who you made out with. Nobody.

[Tig Notaro]

Was it you?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, it was me.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

No, wait. Why would you know who. What is happening? Two against one. I don't like it.

[May Martin]

Well, when. When we filmed our minisode.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[May Martin]

Off mic. I was updating fortune on my various.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, we'll bleep it out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Who was it?

[May Martin]

Well, I'm scared.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know. May.

[Tig Notaro]

Scared. Was it your dad?

[Fortune Feimster]

Mae's scared it would somehow get in here. Yeah, we'll tell you at the end of the pod.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. I.

[Fortune Feimster]

Because we can't accidentally let it slip through.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, but, you know, it's more set.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, that would be amazing.

[May Martin]

But it felt good because usually I'm the passenger and someone's dropping me off, and then.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm not listening to anything now.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right?

[Thomas Ouelette]

Okay.

[May Martin]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't care about anything unless I have this information.

[May Martin]

Okay, well, should we. Thomas, we're bleeping this.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yes.

[May Martin]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

And you're definitely bleeping it. I promise to bleep it.

[May Martin]

I mean, not even bleeping it. Like, take the whole chunk.

[Tig Notaro]

Who the hell is this? And all of this is staying in until this. Okay. Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

Who the hell is this?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, who the hell is this?

[May Martin]

Well, it wasn't who you think. It is actually fortunate, but it was.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's not exciting to you?

[May Martin]

That's not thrilling?

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[May Martin]

You're not into her?

[Tig Notaro]

God, no, I'm not. No. It's nothing against. I'm like, great. Whatever. I thought you were giving me, like, Scandalous information.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, no, not scandalous. Just, like, pretty.

[May Martin]

What a twist, though. Yeah. Okay. Cut that whole chunk out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, some of it. Keep in some of the teasing.

[May Martin]

Okay, yeah, but you can listen.

[Fortune Feimster]

You can listen to the edit.

[Tig Notaro]

Teasing and then also keeping my disappointment.

[May Martin]

No. Okay, we'll come back.

[Tig Notaro]

I was like, who was your first kiss that cannot go anywhere. Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

That was a bit of a bus. Tig's not impressed.

[Tig Notaro]

No, there was. Well, there was more to the story, but anyway. Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

We thought it was juicy gossip. Me, unfortunately.

[Fortune Feimster]

Juicy? Yeah. I thought it was some hot goss.

[May Martin]

But, yeah, Tig is unimpressed.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, Tig's like, yeah, of course that that person would make out with you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And. But, like, I thought if this was someone. Your first kiss, and, like, who they must be now that you're so protective.

[May Martin]

Wait, my first.

[Fortune Feimster]

You with this person?

[May Martin]

Oh, for. Okay. Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

So I think misinterpreted it, thinking that it was something scandalous. It's not scandalous.

[Tig Notaro]

It was just.

[May Martin]

Okay, so who would have got, like, the biggest reaction for you that you would have been, like, what? I guess someone, like, married and famous.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that Justin Trudeau?

[Fortune Feimster]

Amen. Tig wanted a scandal.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, no scandal.

[Tig Notaro]

You know me, girl. I always want to scandal.

[Fortune Feimster]

You love a scandal.

[Tig Notaro]

I love a scandal.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Yeah, you do.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. I don't know who would be exciting for you to make out. Oh, and Angelina Jolie. Would you have such a crush on her?

[Tig Notaro]

That's always the answer, right?

[Fortune Feimster]

That would be pretty exciting.

[May Martin]

I mean, it would be crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

Anyone that kisses her, that's, like, a big deal.

[May Martin]

It's a big deal in. In their life forever. And I don't. And if they're. If they say it's not, they're lying. Like, anyone who just, like, at a party.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't want to kiss her, but I want you to kiss her.

[Tig Notaro]

Why don't you want to kiss her?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I'm more. I'm more of a Jen Aniston gal. I think you have to be on one team or the other, right?

[Thomas Ouelette]

Still or.

[Fortune Feimster]

No?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, like, removing any teams. It's like you're at a party. Angelina's coming in for the smooch. And are you, like.

[May Martin]

Are you like, I'm a gin.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have cheese in my pocket. My pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

I have cheese in my mouth.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm pointing at my mouth, saying, pocket, cheese in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

That's how nervous you would be if Angelina was coming in and you have.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cheese in my pocket. I Have checked.

[Tig Notaro]

Can I have cheese in my pocket?

[Fortune Feimster]

I have cheese in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. That is now the. The let down line.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That is what you say when you turn someone down and you give no.

[Fortune Feimster]

Information in your mouth and say, I have cheese.

[Tig Notaro]

I got cheese in my pocket, and then walk away.

[May Martin]

I got cheese in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm sorry to. I hope I let her down easy.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you did. You told her you had cheese in your pocket.

[May Martin]

She's walking away.

[Fortune Feimster]

Cheese in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

She's walking away confused.

[Fortune Feimster]

Confused. And I don't want to kiss her now. Anyway.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, don't ever let me forget I have cheese in my pocket. We forget everything.

[Fortune Feimster]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

People come up like, hey, speedboat through the desert. And they're like, wait, what happened?

[Fortune Feimster]

We only remember if it becomes a merch item.

[May Martin]

If someone else tell. Okay, I just wrote it down. I have cheese in my pocket.

[Thomas Ouelette]

It.

[Tig Notaro]

It's there, Thomas. We put that on the list just so we remember to not turn down Angelina with that line.

[Fortune Feimster]

Turned on anybody with that line.

[May Martin]

I have cheese in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, you have to point to your mouth, though.

[May Martin]

I have cheese in my pocket.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God, I love it so much. And please sneak that in when it makes sense in any possible moment when you have to. Like, if I say, do you want to go get coffee and say, I have cheese now.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you making out with her if she comes up to you at the cheese table?

[Tig Notaro]

I have cheese in my pocket.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're eating vegan cheese.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I'm. Well, yeah. And I'm. I'm married, so.

[May Martin]

Yeah, but in a scenario where you're not and you're at the party.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not a party kisser.

[May Martin]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. What?

[Fortune Feimster]

That's the other excuse.

[May Martin]

I'm not a party kisser. I can't believe both of you are saying you're rejecting Angelina Jolie. This is such garbage.

[Fortune Feimster]

Bitch.

[Tig Notaro]

Here's the thing, is, I'm pretty sure she would reject us. She's got way more cheese in her.

[Fortune Feimster]

Pocket, by the way.

[Tig Notaro]

In these scenarios, we're just letting her.

[Fortune Feimster]

Down before she lets us down. That's how it works psychologically.

[May Martin]

Okay, what if you're out and you're introduced to her and you're chatting, getting along, and then. And you're like, oh, my God, Angelina's so nice. And then at the end of the conversation, as she walks away, she goes, by the way, I have cheese in my pocket. And you realize that she listened to the pod.

[Fortune Feimster]

Listen. I feel like fools.

[May Martin]

Be more.

[Tig Notaro]

Would you kiss her fortune for listening to the podcast?

[Fortune Feimster]

I would close her hand.

[May Martin]

We kiss everyone who listens to the podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, speak for yourself.

[Fortune Feimster]

I would do the tig kiss. Kiss my own hand.

[Tig Notaro]

What if we were at a party, totally eating chips and cattle? I like this.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You turn and totally see me in a corner just making out with some girl.

[May Martin]

I.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, this is a scenario where you're not married, right?

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, whatever, whatever. You're just.

[Fortune Feimster]

And you're suddenly a party kisser.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm suddenly a part. That's march right there. Party kisser.

[Fortune Feimster]

Party kisser.

[Tig Notaro]

And you walk in the door.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is a fun shirt.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

We have more shirts.

[Tig Notaro]

So many shirts. We need to open a store.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Party kisser is good.

[Tig Notaro]

That's really good.

[Fortune Feimster]

I feel like a lot of people would wear that.

[Thomas Ouelette]

For sure.

[Fortune Feimster]

If you were making out at a party. That would be wild fortune. You don't even like to touch people. I've had so many people come through my meet and greet lines going, may's coming here in, you know, whatever month. I'm going there. And then whenever Tick comes. But we know she. She's not gonna do meet and greets because she doesn't like to touch anybody.

[Tig Notaro]

She won't touch us.

[May Martin]

We don't want to meet anyone we can't touch.

[Tig Notaro]

Now, is it merch for. Also, I got cheese in my pocket.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know. Well, let's see how our listeners take to it.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. You have one shirt, like, on the front, party kisser. And then on the back, it says, I got cheese in my pocket.

[May Martin]

I like that. Or. Or a little like. Like a stick. And you can do either. Either one. So if you're at a party and someone's propositioning you, you can either hold up, I have cheese in my pocket. Or a party kiss.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, we're just spitballing here.

[Tig Notaro]

We should probably spitball our merch another time.

[May Martin]

One time, I had a party, and afterwards, my. I said to my friend, did you have fun tonight? And he goes, yeah, I. I made out with. And then he said, this person.

[Tig Notaro]

Angelina Jolie.

[May Martin]

Yeah. I made out with so and so in the bathroom. And I went, me, too. And this woman had. Had made out with.

[Fortune Feimster]

She's a party kisser.

[Tig Notaro]

Did she have on the shirt?

[Fortune Feimster]

She.

[May Martin]

She was such a party kisser. Yeah. And I really.

[Tig Notaro]

I. Wow.

[May Martin]

I really respected it.

[Fortune Feimster]

I do enjoy hearing about a party kisser who is just kissing. Kissing everybody.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, My God.

[Fortune Feimster]

Male and female and they pretty little ladies. And ladies and everything.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you not. Are you a party kisser? Fortune. I know. May is.

[Fortune Feimster]

No, no. Yeah, yeah. May's definitely. That's how why May used to throw parties, was to be a party kisser.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Thomas, are you a party kisser?

[Fortune Feimster]

Back in the day, I was, but not anymore. Yeah, no one was kissing me at parties because I was by the cheese table, So I didn't even. Yeah, I wasn't being very open to that.

[Tig Notaro]

Huh.

[May Martin]

Yeah, you were sending off.

[Fortune Feimster]

That was too into the cheese. I really love a charcuterie board.

[Tig Notaro]

We know. Yeah. You know why?

[Fortune Feimster]

Because it has the word cooter in it.

[Tig Notaro]

That is exactly why. That's so funny, guys. How is it that we do it every single week? We deliver the goods every time on time.

[Fortune Feimster]

You and Stephanie never made out at a party.

[May Martin]

In the early days would be like.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, our first kiss was in public at La Pobel in Hollywood.

[Fortune Feimster]

That sounds sexy.

[Tig Notaro]

That was when our photo was Cat. You know, our first kiss was captured in a picture.

[May Martin]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wait, you don't think I really. I don't think I realized that wasn't a picture.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[May Martin]

Wait, so like a paparazzi picture?

[Tig Notaro]

No, no.

[Fortune Feimster]

The paps for the paps getting you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. They're like, oh, my God. Here's two unknowns. Let's grab this.

[May Martin]

You've heard us talk about Hungry Root before. I love Hungry Root because I love keeping things simple. And Hungry Root simplifies my life and routine like nothing else. I'm always on the go, driving around town, touring the country, and it's been a huge game changer for me to save time and avoid stress by doing my weekly food shopping with Hungry Root.

[Tig Notaro]

Hungry Root really does it all. Planning all my meals and groceries for my week, filling my cart, and delivering everything my family needs to eat healthy every day. Lately, I've been loving bagels and topping them with garlic, hummus, cucumber, and crispy red onions. I've been prioritizing eating healthy, but I also love to eat delicious food with Hungry Root. I feel like I don't have to make a compromise. Everything I've tried has tasted great.

[May Martin]

You're gonna love hungryroot as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box. Life. Go to hungryroot.com handsome and use code handsome. That's hungryroot.com handsome code handsome. To get 40% off your first box and a Free item of your choice for life.

[Tig Notaro]

It's a new year and that means a new nickname for my family's three cats. I've been calling them Exhausted sausages, but you know what they never get tired of? Smalls Cat Food Handsome is sponsored by Smalls for a limited time. Get 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com handsome smalls cat food is protein packed recipes made with preservative free ingredients you'd find in your fridge and it's delivered right to your door. That's why cats.com names Smalls their best overall cat food. My cats love Smalls. Their coats are healthier, their breath is better, and they're just all around happier after making the switch.

[May Martin]

Make 2026 your cat's healthiest year yet. Take advantage of their New Year's special and get 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.comhome one last time. That's 60% off your first order plus Free Shipping when you head to smalls.Comhome.

[Thomas Ouelette]

The New Year is here. Get back into a handsome at home routine you love and elevate your space with Wayfair. From bedding and mattresses to storage solutions for every room in the house, Wayfair is your one stop shop. Refresh your living room with accent pillows, mirrors and my favorite faux plants. For way less.

[May Martin]

Yeah, now that I've been living in my new house for a while, like I'm pretty settled in but the clutter is built up so I'm gonna go to Wayfair for storage solutions. I bought a bunch of little like in drawer storage bins for my bathroom and my kitchen and it's been so satisfying to make my space more organized and more useful. Wayfair's got great stuff for your home office, your kids rooms, your closets, every room in the house. One thing I got was a six piece set of airtight glass storage jars for my kitchen. So good for coffee, cereal, pasta. They just make me happy.

[Thomas Ouelette]

So get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year. For way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F A I R.com Wayfair every style every home.

[Tig Notaro]

I was writing my book and it was like 11 o' clock at night and we had a texting relationship for months and I was thinking do I have a crush on this person? And then she it was the first time. It was like six months into Texting that. She was like, oh, I'm out with my friends. Do you want to come join us? And I was like, oh, sure. And then I was like, oh, my God, I've been writing my book all day. I haven't showered. And then I was like, oh, she doesn't date women. It doesn't matter what I look like. So I just went down there all filthy, and I had this big Canadian wool sweater on with an eagle on the back. And I walk into La Pobelle, and she's sitting at this huge table with friends. They had just done improv next door at ucb. And she was wearing a huge Canadian sweater with an eagle. And hers was dark blue. Mine was. Mine was off white. And we were like, this is insane. And so we switch sweaters and. Do you know Armin Weitzman?

[May Martin]

No.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh.

[Tig Notaro]

Anyway, he's part of that whole UCB world of long ago. And he was like, oh, my gosh. You two get together, I'll take your picture. And as soon as we touched each other, we started making out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[May Martin]

As in, like, as a joke?

[Tig Notaro]

No, like, we were. Yeah. And we immediately started kissing. And our first kiss is captured. And then we went to my car and made out all night. And then the next day is when she wrote me the 50, 000 page email saying, I'm not gay. I can't date you. And then I wrote, okay, dyke. And then.

[May Martin]

Oh, my.

[Tig Notaro]

The rest is.

[Fortune Feimster]

Gosh. Wait, but wait.

[May Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, so you started kissing in front of your friends? In front of the person?

[Tig Notaro]

In front of her friends.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. And I wonder if before you arrived that night, if Stephanie had said to them, like, I don't know if I have a crush on this person.

[Tig Notaro]

No, no, she's not the kind of person. Wait, did she.

[Fortune Feimster]

Did one go in for the kiss?

[Thomas Ouelette]

Y.

[Tig Notaro]

Both.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

And we are not those types of people. And we were just immediately like, party kissers. We did not have any cheese in our pockets. So that's.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's pretty sexy. That's hot. Yeah.

[May Martin]

And it wasn't like you were doing a bit for the photo. And then it got.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. There was no bit. I was like, full blown crush on this person. Here, let me show you the. Can I show you the.

[May Martin]

Please.

[Tig Notaro]

The picture of our very first kiss. It's so insane. I can't even believe that we have this.

[Fortune Feimster]

That is pretty. That is pretty crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

It's so crazy. Okay, prepare yourselves. And here it comes.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my. Look at all the hair you had.

[Tig Notaro]

That is, for a minute, I wasn't.

[May Martin]

Sure which one you were. And I.

[Fortune Feimster]

That you've never looked more Crane.

[May Martin]

You never look more Tom Cruise. There's something very Tom Cruise about the hair.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

[May Martin]

That is very romantic.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, are you ready? This is the final thing to blow your mind. Okay.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

And then you wanted to say, blow your cooters and pooters off.

[Tig Notaro]

I actually don't want to say that at all.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[May Martin]

I've never.

[Tig Notaro]

And. And you both. Wait. Yeah. Is that a saying?

[Fortune Feimster]

It is now.

[Tig Notaro]

Put on the merch list.

[May Martin]

Throw it on the list.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Fortune Feimster]

We need to start.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, we need to start a new list of we're gonna blow your cooters and cooters. Oh, my God. What is this episode?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

What are we doing with our time? My family is at basketball practice and they have dinner, and this is what I'm doing to make a living. But. So when I tell you this final part, you're gonna go, oh, come on. You knew. She knew. No.

[Fortune Feimster]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

I was just back in town. I had been in New York, I had been touring. I was back in town. And because I was in town, she said, come meet me. Not. She didn't say, come meet me. She was like, hey, I'm out with friends at La Puebelle and we're hanging out. Come meet us. It was Valentine's Day. No. Cute. Our anniversary is Valentine's Day.

[Fortune Feimster]

She was looking for the smooch.

[Tig Notaro]

No, she wasn't.

[Fortune Feimster]

She was. Yeah. She didn't realize it, but deep down, she was looking for a yes.

[Tig Notaro]

She's not a bar kisser, but on.

[Fortune Feimster]

Valentine's that night, after months of texting you, she wanted a smooch.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

She got it.

[May Martin]

I have a really specific question, but.

[Tig Notaro]

And now I lie down next to her with a CPAP machine on. But anyway, go ahead.

[May Martin]

So in your friendship before then, had you ever had any prolonged eye contact with a little twinkle in your eye? Because that's my favorite thing.

[Tig Notaro]

No. I think more than anything, anytime we went out to eat, we would just have so much fun. Talk forever, laugh, stay at the restaurant till for, like. Like, three or four hours. Then we'd go out into the parking lot, the sun would come up, that kind of stuff. And I would leave going, oh, my God, I think I have a crush on her.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, yeah, that's a lot.

[Tig Notaro]

But I did. I didn't think she did. So I just went about my life and party. Kissed other people.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Until she married.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, you Got a party kiss until she's ready to only party kiss you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yep, that's where we are.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. And look at you now.

[May Martin]

And now you're rejecting Angelina because you got cheese.

[Fortune Feimster]

You're real full of yourself.

[Tig Notaro]

I got a pocket full of cheese.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, that was a fun treat. Thank you for sharing.

[Tig Notaro]

Thank you for listening. I'm happy to always tell the story.

[Fortune Feimster]

And yes, may, we should get to our question.

[May Martin]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Today's question asker is one of my dear friends. He's a comedian, an actor and radio.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Host who co host the Sirius XM show. What a joke with Papa and Fortune. That's right. He's my radio co host. His latest stand up special, Home Free is available to watch on Netflix. Tom Papa is asking today's question.

[Tom Papa]

Hey, handsome. Handsome. It's me, Tom Papa, your friend. Friend to all of you. Wish I could see your faces right now, but all I see is my face. I have a question for you. Have you ever at any point in your life, at any age, stolen something and then given that as a gift to someone else and you never told them that you stole it? Oh, you were stolen something. I don't know what your motivation is. I don't know what the situation is, but you needed a gift and you stole something and then you gave it to them and then you never, you never told them that it was stolen and they just enjoyed it and have it and hold it and you never said.

[Tig Notaro]

That'S the end. I love Tom.

[May Martin]

What a nice energy he has as a person. Yeah. How did you guys start working together? Fortune?

[Fortune Feimster]

I had met him through Aaron Foley, very funny comic here in LA who has been dear friends with Tom forever. And, and then he, Netflix wanted us, wanted him to do a radio show and he was like, you want to do this with me? And I didn't really know him, but I was like, yeah, let's do it. And so we're in our sixth, sixth year together.

[May Martin]

Wow.

[Fortune Feimster]

Doing this radio show. It's every Monday through Thursday, two hours a day.

[Tig Notaro]

Good Lord. I know.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's a lot of chatting. Wow. On channel 93 on SiriusXM if anybody wants to check it out.

[May Martin]

And does Ginger still listen?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, she still.

[May Martin]

That's so nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, she loves Tom. And he is a bread baker as well. I didn't mention that in his bio, but he's a fantastic bread maker.

[May Martin]

Really?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah. He even just came out with his own line of bread baking products that have been doing really well for nambe.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow.

[May Martin]

I'm trying to think of a pun on papa somehow.

[Fortune Feimster]

And papa and breaking bread with papa says podcast.

[May Martin]

Oh, nice. Okay.

[Fortune Feimster]

Stealing anything? Well, I can tell you, I. I never stole again after my mom caught me when I was five stealing a piece of gum. And she made me go back in and be like, I'm so sorry. I said, it's good. I'll never do it again.

[May Martin]

And were they nice about it in the store or.

[Fortune Feimster]

They said, yeah, yeah, they were nice about it. But, you know, she wanted me to learn my lesson, and I did. So I didn't steal this, but I definitely was trying to take credit for something. I was riding my bike around the neighborhood when I was in elementary school, and somebody had thrown out a bunch of stuff on the side of the road. And one of the things they threw out was, like, crocheted, like, you know, bless his home or whatever kind of thing. And I was like, oh, my mom's birthday's coming up.

[Tig Notaro]

No way.

[Fortune Feimster]

And it even had, like, a little, like, you know, it had gotten some dings being in the trash.

[Tig Notaro]

And I was just like, bless this heart.

[Fortune Feimster]

Bless this home.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Is.

[Fortune Feimster]

This is gonna be a pretty sweet birthday present. So I took it from out of the trash and gave it to my mom, and I'm sure she was like, thanks, because you could tell that was used.

[Tig Notaro]

And abused.

[May Martin]

Did you give it a watch, a wash, or. No, Just.

[Fortune Feimster]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Excellent question. May. Excellent question.

[Fortune Feimster]

I did not give it a wash. I was just like, this is. Here you go. Enjoy this. Yeah, I never. And I never asked her about that. I should ask her if she, you know, knew.

[Tig Notaro]

Did you see it around the house or did it go back in the trash?

[Fortune Feimster]

I think it went right back in the trash. Yeah. But I got credit for giving her a present.

[Tig Notaro]

I wonder if some other kid found it in your trash and was like, bless his home.

[Fortune Feimster]

My mom's going to love this. The traveling knitted or crocheted blesses home.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, I have a similar one to that that someone made me. Hold on one second.

[May Martin]

Oh, off she goes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, there she goes.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Put that.

[Tig Notaro]

Huh? Oh, it's right there. What does that say?

[Fortune Feimster]

A handsome listener crochet. Is this crochet Fortune Marie?

[May Martin]

Nice.

[Fortune Feimster]

Backwards. But it looked just like this. It was a circ.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, that's not backwards.

[May Martin]

For us, it's not backwards.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, for me it is. But a handsome listener made me this. And. But this is what the bless this home looked like. It was one of these circle things.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, Thomas said it's cross stitch.

[May Martin]

What do we say? What Are we calling nerd? Said crochet.

[Fortune Feimster]

I said crochet. I don't know.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Cross stitch.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you calling Thomas a nerd?

[Fortune Feimster]

Not Thomas. Just knowing anything about anything.

[May Martin]

Is cross stitch like you put it on your wall. It's.

[Thomas Ouelette]

It's.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's just.

[May Martin]

It's not like a tea cozy or like a coaster or something?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, this is just like a.

[Tig Notaro]

So, wait, where do you have it hanging on your wall?

[Fortune Feimster]

I have it on my shelf when I decorate my home.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

This office. I hope to eventually have a bunch of, like, a shelf or something in here where I can put fun trinkets on it. Someone also gave me an alf. A stuffed Alf thing. Someone gave me a CRO. This was crocheted. An owl. A crocheted Hooters owl.

[Tig Notaro]

How do you know it was crochet?

[Fortune Feimster]

Adult.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I knew that.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

And also, dream big. Look at you. Hoping one day you'll have a shelf. I know. Right here. Oh, my gosh.

[Fortune Feimster]

My fortune. Marie on a shelf. So, yeah, not stolen, but I feel like that's adjacent.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. Then during Christmas, you can have ALF on a shelf.

[May Martin]

Oh, God, that's good.

[Fortune Feimster]

I love that.

[May Martin]

That's strong.

[Fortune Feimster]

I still got it on a shelf.

[May Martin]

Still got it.

[Tig Notaro]

Alpha on a shelf.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's pretty funny.

[Tig Notaro]

It's good.

[Fortune Feimster]

It's really, really good.

[Tig Notaro]

I gotta be honest.

[Fortune Feimster]

We might have to. At our next Holly Bobs. We might have to do that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Alpha shelf.

[Tig Notaro]

And it also might be merch, where we can get. Are we gonna get an owl put.

[Fortune Feimster]

In a Santa suit?

[May Martin]

Gosh, Tig, have you ever regifted something or, like. Yeah. Or picked it out of the trash?

[Tig Notaro]

I was. I mean, I was at a. Some sort of industry, like, entertainment party long ago, and I was there with a comedian that has since gotten into trouble and not discussed much anymore. Anyway, we were. We were at this party having a ridiculous time, and then he. He dared me to go up to the bar and just, like, not hide, just walk up because they had all of the alcohol out, and he. He wanted, like, a bottle of scotch or something. And he was like, will you just casually walk up and just grab that bottle and then bring it over to me? And I was like, sure. Oh, my God. I went over and nobody saw me. And I just picked it up, walked over and handed it to him and we had a good laugh.

[May Martin]

This. You love a dare. I wanna.

[Fortune Feimster]

You wanna. You wanna see what you can make.

[May Martin]

Tig do I want to see what we can. Yeah. What we can Get.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, there has to be. You know, it's like a certain thing where, like, if I got caught, I wouldn't be scared to get caught because it's so ridiculous. Like, the jug of whiskey or whatever I took was like. And the fact that I didn't run off like that, I. The dare was go up and just casually pick that up, just bring it over to me. And so I guess that's stealing and giving something as a present.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, that's exactly what that is.

[Fortune Feimster]

Exactly it. Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. He gifted it to himself.

[Fortune Feimster]

That's right. I probably drank it all, huh?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, he probably did that night. Yeah. Right then.

[Fortune Feimster]

That was a good one. What about you may.

[May Martin]

I can't think of. I can't think of a time I've stolen and gifted. But I have had a gift given to me that I later found out was stolen by. In grade seven, Ian Peach. Infamous. I was so excited because he came after school and it was snowing, and he gave me this necklace and he said specifically that it was from Tiffany's. Grade 7, 13 year old.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Right.

[May Martin]

But I'm like, he's his, you know, he's. His family's loaded. Like, he lived in this nice area. So I'm like, maybe he went to Tiffany's and got me a. I would.

[Tig Notaro]

Never have known what Tiffany's was grade.

[May Martin]

I told everyone in my class. I. I was so, like, I was just so deeply moved by it. And then the next time I was with him and all of his friends were there, I was like, Ian got me this. And like. And I was bragging about it and they all started laughing and they said he stole it from the mall from a little stand, like one of those crappy carts. Little carts, yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

It wasn't from Tiffany's.

[May Martin]

No. And he stole it. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

That yen. Yeah.

[May Martin]

And I mean, if you could have seen the necklace, it was clearly not Tiffany.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

It was like a diamond missing.

[May Martin]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

One time I was at the Grove here in Los Angeles and it was right when the Grove opened and some friends and it was like, oh, my gosh, the Grove and these friends of mine were eating. But I mean, true. It was like, oh, my gosh, the Grove is finally open. And this group of friends of mine were eating at a restaurant there and they just told me the name of the restaurant. I had never been at the Grove. Like I said, it just opened. So I was running around in a panic. I was little late for dinner and. And I. There's this woman working at like a sunglasses cart or something. At the Grove. And I. And I just said, excuse me, do you know where whatever restaurant is? And she was so rude to me. And she goes, no, I don't hang out at the Grove. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, but you work at a cart at the Grove. Like, I don't understand. Understand where the snobbery is. But it was. It made me laugh so hard because I did. I felt like a loser.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't hang out at the Grove.

[Tig Notaro]

Sorry. I don't hang out at the Grove. I don't know where that is.

[Fortune Feimster]

I hang out of the Grove. Sometimes. I go to the Cheesecake Factory.

[Tig Notaro]

We know you do, girl.

[Fortune Feimster]

You know it. Adam's peanut butter fudge cheesecake.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Anyway, I just. I always really. I think about that woman every time I see one of those cards. Like, she just made me feel like the biggest loser that I had. Lunch plans.

[May Martin]

It's so funny how, like, one interaction with a stranger in one sentence, they said, you'll. It'll stay with you your whole life.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, yeah.

[May Martin]

You'll think about her. Yeah. Once a month or something.

[Tig Notaro]

But I loved it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I loved it.

[May Martin]

It's like when I. When I saw that woman running for the. The subway, and she. She just about made it on, and she sort of bumped into this other woman. And then the woman goes, jesus, I've thought about it every day. Jesus. Jesus.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I feel like that to have asked this question. Yeah. That Tom must have had something on the top of his dome.

[May Martin]

I know.

[Tig Notaro]

What? A few things.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I'm the thief. That's what we're gonna find out. Oh, I did find a ring once. That.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you put quotes around find?

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah, I found it, and it clearly was like costume jewelry. But I was like, my mom's never gonna know that this is not real, these trash gifts. And I gave my mom another trash gift. I was like, man, I'm a great daughter. Look at all these gifts I'm giving my mom.

[May Martin]

Doesn't La Poo Belle mean the garbage? Does it, Thomas?

[Tig Notaro]

Did I have a garbage makeout? La Fubel means garbage.

[Fortune Feimster]

I thought it meant the cooter.

[May Martin]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Gosh.

[May Martin]

And weird.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was at La Poo Bell Sounds like a vagina.

[May Martin]

Yeah. Poo bells.

[Tig Notaro]

Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Are you talking to me?

[May Martin]

I'm gonna blow your cooters and poo bells off. Are you talking to me?

[Tig Notaro]

How on earth is that what you've come up with? I wouldn't have even come up with garbage.

[Fortune Feimster]

Poo bell doesn't sound like a vagina.

[Tig Notaro]

No, no. Okay, how does that sound? Like one.

[Fortune Feimster]

Like a poo poussay fridge. It's French.

[May Martin]

Jesus.

[Fortune Feimster]

Clearly you guys don't speak the language of love.

[Tig Notaro]

Clearly.

[Fortune Feimster]

I would like to touch la poo bill.

[May Martin]

I'm glad I was right about that. But we've had a. We've had a garbage theme, then trash gifts.

[Tig Notaro]

La poo belle garbage vagina.

[May Martin]

But imagine if someone cheese in your. Someone found your dumpster tits and tried to re gift them.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, yeah? Do you think so? Repurpose your dumpster.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

A couple of rodents.

[Tig Notaro]

Students. Drag them over to the house. They look familiar.

[Fortune Feimster]

There's those little nips.

[May Martin]

Or you see a rat with massive tits.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, good times. Everything about this episode made complete sense.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, has Tom told us.

[May Martin]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, okay. Hit us, Tom.

[Tom Papa]

Well, my answer is no, of course. I never steal. I'm not a monster.

[Fortune Feimster]

Set us up.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah, I stole and now I'm lying. So now I'm not only a lying monster, I'm a stealing monster and a lying monster. A monster.

[Fortune Feimster]

I was little.

[Tom Papa]

I was small. And I was. I needed a gift from my grandmother. And my friend and I went down to town on our bikes and we went into a gift shop and I was looking around and I was like, like, ooh, that little, that little cup looks, looks quaint. And that looks grandmothery.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Tom Papa]

And the guy, the shopkeeper, was kind of following us around. We were probably 10 and maybe 11, and we were looking around and then I saw this cup. And the, the owner was like, he knew we were up to no good because kids don't have money. Why are you in a gift shop? And I found, I, I, I, my friend distracted him and I stuck it in my shirt and I stole it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah. And got on my bike and went home. And then I gave it to my grandmother. I gave it to my grandmother. And it's. She liked it. It was just a little thing. She liked it. And put it up on her shelf on her little grandma. You know, one of those little corner shelves. Grandma.

[May Martin]

It's pronounced Shallotsky looking.

[Fortune Feimster]

Things.

[Tom Papa]

Things with things. And that little mug sat on that shelf. And I would come over and visit even like later, like in college and stuff. And it was always there. And she would always point it out and I would just sit there and think, I stole that. But it made her happy.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Tom Papa]

So was I wrong? I don't know. That's a whole nother question.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Papa]

Guess what? This is it. That's the mug.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God. It was worth it.

[Fortune Feimster]

He stole it from his grandma, but.

[Tig Notaro]

I still have it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Wow.

[Tom Papa]

How much could it even have cost? I'm a monster.

[Tig Notaro]

He is. He's a terrible person.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

But it actually reminded me of another I. I did. I lit in a similar story like I did. I stole something. I'm just remembering. And gave it to my friend. There was a pet store that I used to go into to look at animals, just to, like, you know, just to see the cute little things.

[May Martin]

Oh, when you said that, I could just smell it. I could smell the sawdust and the aquariums and the poop and.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, I see this little kitten in a cage.

[May Martin]

Oh, no, guys.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, wait. You stole a kitten?

[Tig Notaro]

I opened the cage, put the kitten in my shirt, got on my bike and rode over to my friend's house. Oh, and gave her the kitten.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And it was the same color as her bed spread. And she named her kitten Bedspread and she kept it. Yeah. Yeah.

[May Martin]

Oh, my God. Bedspread lucked out.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow.

[Thomas Ouelette]

You stole a whole ass kitten.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it was just. It was in a cage and it was just a little poof ball. Like, imagine if you saw. I didn't. You know, I couldn't. I. I knew I couldn't bring this kitten home. I don't know why I decided Kristen's mother would let her have it, but I was right. And then Bedspread's name became shortened to bs. Yeah.

[May Martin]

You stole an entire creature.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Put it in my. My shirt and just.

[Fortune Feimster]

Kitty city.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

Well, look at you, everybody.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm a monster, too. Yeah.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm a monster.

[May Martin]

I've called the police on all of you.

[Fortune Feimster]

All right, well, I just took stuff out of the trash.

[May Martin]

That's true.

[Fortune Feimster]

I'm just trash.

[May Martin]

I called Oscar the Grouch.

[Tig Notaro]

But you took something at a store. Gum.

[Fortune Feimster]

I did. When I was five.

[May Martin]

Well, let me just. To clarify, to clarify, I have stolen things. I just gifted them them.

[Tig Notaro]

You're what?

[Fortune Feimster]

My boob was itching.

[Tig Notaro]

Sorry, Fortune. Marie. Okay. Go to YouTube.

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't mean to rub that in your face.

[Tig Notaro]

Your boob. Please don't go to YouTube. Fortune.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just. I'm not scratching it now.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, but you can rewind it. Okay. Or whatever you do, you go back for you. Go to YouTube. You can see Fortune scratching her.

[Fortune Feimster]

My dumpster. Tit.

[Tig Notaro]

Her dumpsters.

[Fortune Feimster]

Oh, you guys, look at us.

[Tig Notaro]

Look at us doing it.

[Fortune Feimster]

Look at us.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, Yes.

[Fortune Feimster]

I have a snow globe here.

[Tig Notaro]

We're trying to wrap up the episode.

[Fortune Feimster]

Just showing you what I got.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, well, I'll tell you what I got.

[Fortune Feimster]

What do you got?

[Tig Notaro]

I am going to be in Tucson on February 26th. Santa Fe, February 27th. Ventura, California, February 28th. It just goes on and on and on. Largo, March 6th. Go to tignotaro.com and all show information will be on there. And sometimes dates do change, so apologies. And that's usually due to Star Trek shifting shooting dates. So my deep apologies if that does happen.

[Fortune Feimster]

That just happened with me. I had to reschedule. Yeah, and I deeply apologize for that as well. Yes, I would love people to spend Valentine's Day with me if they live in New York City.

[Tig Notaro]

If you're a bar kisser, come to.

[Fortune Feimster]

The show February 14th at the Beacon Theater. That's my big show coming up. Up. And then I'll have San Diego in early March. All the rescheduled dates are on my website. They have new dates in the spring into early summer. I'm coming to a lot of fun places, so check it out.

[May Martin]

I am my. Well, it's, it's coming. My tour is happening so soon. Starting in Oklahoma City, February 26 and then Houston on February 27 and Dallas on February 28. Then New Orleans, March 1 and go to MayMartin.net for all the rest of the shows.

[Tig Notaro]

There's.

[May Martin]

I'm going to 37 cities. A lot of them are selling out, which I'm so grateful. But some of them are not. So come to those ones, please. And I love everyone.

[Fortune Feimster]

Thank you.

[Tig Notaro]

Subscribe to YouTube. Share your favorite episodes like this one with a friend and help build the Handsome community and get your merch.

[Fortune Feimster]

You can get your own peanut butter shirt, your own Frau Trafal shirt, Fortune Marie shirt. And if you keep getting them, we'll keep making all these crazy ass shirts.

[Tig Notaro]

Isn't it Froucher Fowey?

[Fortune Feimster]

I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

You don't know? Whatever. Dance till you die.

[Fortune Feimster]

Dance to die.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Frau Chifowie.

[Tig Notaro]

Until next time, keep it handsome.

[Fortune Feimster]

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster Tignataro and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouelette.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Email [e-mail] and follow us on social media at handsomepod.

[Fortune Feimster]

What a podcast.

[May Martin]

What a podcast.

[Tom Papa]

That was a headgum podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that your chessboard has all 32 pieces. Girl, you'll never get Checkmate without coming prepared. Checkers just isn't scratching my board game itch.

[May Martin]

Yeah, check in first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois hi, I'm Drew Offualo.

[Thomas Ouelette]

And I'm Dason Afualo, and we host the Headgum podcast two Idiot Girls.

[Tig Notaro]

Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics.

[Thomas Ouelette]

That you would be giggling at at.

[Tig Notaro]

A sleepover with your weird cousins.

[Thomas Ouelette]

We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating, horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgie you had once, or even a show you're loving, and anything in between.

[Tig Notaro]

So you can listen to two Idiot.

[Thomas Ouelette]

Girls on your favorite podcast app or.

[Tig Notaro]

Watch full video episodes on YouTube.

[Thomas Ouelette]

New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.