Ep. 518: Make One New Friend, Make Walking More Fun & the Benefit of Question Time

Summary

Happier with Gretchen Rubin – Episode 518 Summary

Release Date: January 22, 2025

In Episode 518 of Happier with Gretchen Rubin, hosts Gretchen Rubin and her sister Elizabeth Craft delve into meaningful discussions on cultivating friendships, enhancing daily habits, and navigating interpersonal dynamics. This episode, titled "Make One New Friend, Make Walking More Fun & the Benefit of Question Time," offers listeners practical advice backed by personal anecdotes and scientific insights.

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1. Addressing Community Challenges: Wildfires in Los Angeles

[00:17 – 01:51]

Gretchen opens the episode with warmth, welcoming listeners and introducing the topics ahead. Elizabeth Craft provides a heartfelt update on the ongoing wildfires in Los Angeles:

Elizabeth Craft ([00:55]): "Los Angeles is just reeling. So many people have lost their homes. It's kind of incomprehensible... Firefighters and all the first responders and volunteers have been incredible."

The sisters express solidarity with affected communities and acknowledge the long road to recovery, emphasizing the resilience and compassion emerging from these challenging times.

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2. Upcoming "Ask Us Anything" Episode

[02:00 – 02:12]

Gretchen announces an upcoming "Ask Us Anything" episode, inviting listeners to submit their questions on any topic. This interactive segment aims to deepen listener engagement and address diverse inquiries about happiness and personal growth.

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3. Listener Insight: The Impact of Faith and Purpose

[02:12 – 04:50]

Gretchen shares a moving email from listener Cassie, connecting a discussion from a previous Little Happier episode to personal experiences:

Gretchen Rubin ([03:47]): "God in his infinite wisdom sent the man a baby, an infant to take care of. And so the man had purpose, a reason to stay alive."

Cassie's story highlights how faith and newfound purpose can provide strength during personal struggles, illustrating the profound effect of supportive messages on listeners.

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4. Try This at Home: Make One New Friend in 2025

[04:50 – 08:45]

The core segment of the episode focuses on the "Try This at Home" challenge: "Make One New Friend in 2025." Gretchen emphasizes the importance of friendships for happiness, supported by both contemporary research and ancient philosophy.

Gretchen Rubin ([05:09]): "Research shows... Having relationships is an absolutely key part of a happier life."

Elizabeth and Gretchen discuss practical strategies for cultivating new friendships, including reviving dormant connections and expanding one’s social circle. They highlight the psychological benefits of setting specific friendship goals, which can make the endeavor feel more achievable and structured.

Gretchen Rubin ([06:03]): "Making one new friend is different even than, like, making a friend, because it just feels more like, okay, this is on. Can I get that one person figured out?"

Listeners are encouraged to identify potential friends within their existing networks or seek new connections, fostering meaningful and trusting relationships that contribute to long-term happiness.

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5. Happiness Hack: Make Walking More Fun

[11:32 – 13:53]

In the Happiness Hack segment, the hosts explore ways to enhance the habit of walking, making it a more enjoyable and sustainable activity. Inspired by listener Nora’s suggestions, Gretchen and Elizabeth discuss integrating purposeful actions into walking routines:

Nora ([11:48]): "Pick up trash while walking... It’s great exercise and makes the walk feel more meaningful."

Gretchen adds her perspective on transforming walks into quests, which not only provide physical benefits but also a sense of accomplishment and purpose.

Gretchen Rubin ([12:16]): "A quest is more fun than a jaunt."

Elizabeth shares a personal anecdote about community groups organizing clean-up walks, reinforcing the social and environmental benefits of such activities.

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6. Know Yourself Better: Snapshot Person vs. Movie Person

[13:53 – 18:32]

Gretchen introduces a "Know Yourself Better" question, exploring whether individuals perceive their memories as a series of snapshots or as a continuous movie. Sharing her personal challenge with fragmented memories, Gretchen discusses her intention to revisit physical mementos to enrich her sense of continuity.

Gretchen Rubin ([15:19]): "I have flashes of vivid recollections, but I don't have a feeling of the ongoingness of my life."

Elizabeth concurs, identifying herself as a snapshot person, and both sisters reflect on the role of photographs and videos in preserving and stimulating memories. This introspective segment encourages listeners to consider their own memory styles and the tools that can help bridge any gaps.

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7. Four Tendencies Tip: Managing a Questioner Spouse

[18:32 – 26:31]

Responding to listener Becky’s question about handling a Questioner spouse, Gretchen and Elizabeth offer nuanced advice grounded in Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework. Becky describes her husband’s barrage of questions during household chores, which leaves her feeling irritated and overwhelmed.

Becky ([18:44]): "He asks questions like, 'Do you know what homework Jacob has tonight?' while I'm cleaning up a dog accident."

Gretchen suggests implementing "Question Time," a dedicated period where such queries can be addressed systematically, thereby reducing interruptions during other activities.

Gretchen Rubin ([20:06]): "We're going to have question time. You have a lot of questions. We will set aside question and answer time and I will answer your questions then."

Elizabeth complements this by proposing practical adjustments, such as assigning specific tasks in response to questions, fostering a more organized and less stressful household environment.

Elizabeth Craft ([25:00]): "If he comes up and says, 'What time is the soccer game on Saturday?' Why don't you say, 'Hey, finish unloading the dishwasher. I'll check.'"

This segment provides valuable strategies for listeners navigating similar interpersonal dynamics, promoting healthier communication and boundary-setting.

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8. Demerit & Gold Star: Addressing Pet Behavior

[28:26 – 29:39]

In the lighthearted Demerit & Gold Star segment, Elizabeth playfully assigns herself a "demerit" for not addressing her corgis' excessive barking. She candidly discusses the challenges of training dogs with natural tendencies that may be disruptive in a household setting.

Elizabeth Craft ([28:31]): "We know corgis are prone to very loud, incessant barking... but we've done nothing toward that end."

Gretchen humorously reflects on the dogs' inherent behaviors, highlighting the balance between accepting pets' natural traits and actively managing their impact on home life.

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9. Conclusion: Reflecting on Tools and Personal Growth

[33:37 – 35:49]

As the episode concludes, Gretchen and Elizabeth encourage listeners to utilize available resources to achieve their personal goals:

Gretchen Rubin ([34:32]): "If you're feeling behind or maybe you haven't even started yet, you're never behind. Start where you are."

They briefly mention their current readings, fostering a sense of shared discovery and continuous learning among their audience.

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Key Takeaways

• Cultivating Friendships: Proactively making new friends or rekindling old ones significantly boosts happiness and personal fulfillment.

• Enhancing Habits: Integrating purposeful actions into daily routines, such as walking with a mission, can make habits more enjoyable and sustainable.

• Understanding Memory Styles: Recognizing whether you view memories as snapshots or continuous narratives can influence how you preserve and recall past experiences.

• Managing Interpersonal Dynamics: Implementing structured communication strategies, like designated question times, can improve relationships and reduce daily stresses.

Episode 518 of Happier with Gretchen Rubin offers a blend of practical advice, personal reflections, and listener insights, all aimed at fostering a happier and more connected life. Whether it's building new friendships, refining daily habits, or navigating complex interpersonal relationships, Gretchen and Elizabeth provide thoughtful guidance to help listeners thrive in 2025 and beyond.

Transcript

[Elizabeth Craft]

Lemonada.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello, and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about the cutting edge science, wisdom of the ages, lessons from pop culture, and our own experiences about how to be happier. This week, we'll talk about why and how we should aim to make one new friend in 2025. And we'll also discuss an interesting know yourself better question about whether you're more of a snapshot person or more of a movie person. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, secrets of adulthood. I'm in my little home office in New York City, and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. And, Elizabeth, give us an update on the wildfires.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in LA Gretch. I continue to be really lucky with the wildfires so far and want to thank everyone again this week for reaching out and asking how we're doing. You know, Los Angeles is just reeling.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Everyone's devastated.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So many people have lost their homes. It's kind of incomprehensible. Some people know dozens of people who've lost their homes. I mean, it's just horrendous. But the firefighters and all the first responders and volunteers have been incredible. Communities are coming together. But, you know, some of these communities are just gone. So it's gonna take years, you know, decades, really, to get past this. Yeah. I don't even know what to say about it, except I feel for everybody. I don't even know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, yeah. It's hard to know what to say. Hang in there, Los Angeles. And then in other news, we have a few updates before we launch in.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Gretchen, we have an Ask us Anything episode coming up very soon. So send us your questions. You can ask us anything, whatever you want.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then we got an email from Cassie that was really moving to me. It was about a little happier that I did a few weeks ago. So I have to say, with the little happiers, I really spend a lot of time on these little happiers, on these little stories, and they're very, very meaningful to me. But, you know, you don't always know what's gonna resonate with other people. And so I wanted to share this email from Cassie, but here's some backstory. So if you haven't listened to that episode, you know what she's talking about. I was mentioning a hadith that I read about in a novel that I love called Martyr by Kaveh Akbar. A hadith is a record or action of the Prophet Muhammad. And these have been collected in various compilations. And I'll read the hadith that she's talking about, which is recounted by Ali, who is the father of the main character, Cyrus. So he's reflecting on a hadith he'd learned as a child. Ali says, once when I was a boy, our teacher told us the hadith of the starving man. The man was dying in the desert, got on his knees and begged to God, please help me. I'm starving, nearly dead, too tired to continue looking for water. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please Almighty Lord, take pity, end my suffering. God in his infinite wisdom sent the man a baby, an infant to take care of. And so the man had purpose, a reason to stay alive.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And here's the email from Cassie. She said, you little happier of the hadith about the dying man in the desert where God gives a man a baby. Nearly stopped me in my tracks. For two and a half years, beginning a few months after we got married, my husband has been battling chronic dizziness that we recently learned may never fully resolve. While trying to get answers, we've put off having children so that we can focus on his recovery. But now, knowing that things may never be perfect health wise for him, I've been left at an emotional impasse on knowing when it will be the right time to proceed with having children. Your message felt like it was a message straight from God, giving me the encouragement that perhaps moving forward into parenthood will restore his sense of purpose and help not hurt his journey toward recovery. Oh, that is so beautiful, Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It is so beautiful. I will post a link if you want to hear the whole episode of Little Happier. But yes, I loved reading that email.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So Elizabeth, this week our Try this at Home tip is to make one new friend in 2025. Of course you can make more than one friend, but really make one friend in 2025.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, I love this Gretch. We've talked a lot about making friends, cultivating friendship. Yeah, tell me more.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So one of the things research shows contemporary science reveals, ancient philosophers agree that having relationships is an absolutely key part of a happier life. And when you look at people who are happier, they have more strong relationships. And so this is really something that is worth spending time and energy and effort toward is to make friends. That means identifying somebody who could be a new friend and then cultivating that friendship. And a friend is not just somebody who you'd have fun like having a conversation with, but this is someone you would confide in. This is someone who you see outside the context where you would usually Run into each other. You see each other at the office or you see each other at soccer games. It's somebody that you will text with, somebody you trust, somebody you like to spend time with.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Now, one question I have for you, Gretchen, is can we count reviving a dormant friendship?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, absolutely. That counts. If you have somebody that you were friends with five years ago, 10 years ago, last year, whatever, back in high school. Sometimes an easy way to make a new friend is to revive a dormant friendship. So that counts. And yeah, that's one of the things. Whenever you set a goal like make one new friend, it's like, well, what counts? So reviving a dormant friendship counts. A new friend counts. And it's funny about saying one new friend, but, Elizabeth, you and I talk about how sometimes having an actual target makes something easier. Like Fryman 50, when you were gonna hike Fryman Canyon 50 times, there's something about the number 50. So to me, making one friend is different even than, like, making a friend, because it just feels more like, okay, this is on. Can I get that one person figured out?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. I love the idea of having a goal. I mean, as you say, it's always nice to have a quest.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And what's more pleasant than a friendship quest?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. And then you're looking around the people in your social circle saying, oh, who here is somebody that I could make a new friend? And it's so energizing to make a new friend. I have one big new friend that I've made in, like, the last three years. And it's so great. It's so great to have a new friend. One thing I should point out also to think about is that the research suggests that it's good to have friends of different ages. And so you might think, well, maybe there's somebody in a completely different generation or somebody that you engage with in a different way. But then you might be like, well, maybe I need to think about whether I could actually be friends with this person. Move them into the friend zone.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. So to be clear, this is someone you could already know, but just who's an acquaintance, not a friend. You don't have to go out and meet someone new. Although that's fine, too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's fine, too. But I do think that for most people, probably it's gonna be like, oh, there's this person that I kind of like that's sort of on the outskirts, and I wanna bring them into a friendship.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And remember, it takes time, energy, awkwardness. It's not always that easy, you know? But remember, people like to have friends, and if you want to make friends, it's likely they're going to want to make friends. So it's really worth it. It's a major happiness booster and you could have that friend for decades to come. So it's worth trying to make 20, 25 a year of at least one more friend. So let us know if you do try this at home and how setting the goal of making one new friend works for you. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook email [e-mail] as always, for the show notes, you can go to happiercast.com 518 this is episode 518.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Coming up, we have a walking happiness hack. But first, this break. You know how sometimes a meal leaves you energized and other times sluggish, foggy or even hungrier? That may be your glucose talking foods that are sugar and carb heavy and you know my experience here cause your body's glucose levels to spike, often followed by a crash. This matters because it turns out 88% of us have suboptimal metabolic health, so glucose could be the next big thing to track when it comes to health. That's why we're excited about Lingo, a new biowearable from Abbott that tracks your glucose in real time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I've been wearing Lingo for weeks now and I've learned that for my body, if I move around after I eat a meal, my spike is much more gradual, much lower. And so I've learned that I just need to get up and move around after I eat. What works for me might work very differently for you, but that's what works for my body. To see how your body responds to food and learn what you can do to improve your metabolism, try Lingo. It starts at $49 for a two week plan, no prescription needed for a limited time. Save 10% on your first order with happier@hello lingo.com the Lingo Glucose System is.

[Elizabeth Craft]

For users 18 years and older not on insulin. It is not intended for diagnosis of diseases, including diabetes. For more information, please visit helolingo.com us.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This new year, why not let Audible expand your life by listening? Explore over 1 million audiobooks, podcasts and exclusive Audible originals that'll inspire and motivate you. You just open the app and tap into your well being with advice and insight from leading influencers, experts and professionals. Whatever your focus or interest, there's a listen for it on Audible. You'll find titles on better health, including personal fitness, nutrition and relaxation.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Here are ways to improve your relationships, both in your work and personal life, or how to embark on a new career strategy. If you want to overhaul your financial life or hear smart talk about investing for your future, you'll find that too. Ultimately, it's all about starting good habits. Making a positive change is the best resolution you can make for yourself. And Audible can help. There's so much opportunity and more to imagine when you listen. Let Audible help you reach the goals you set for yourself. Start listening today when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com Happier all right, Gretch, we're back with this week's Happiness Hack.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Elizabeth we know that one of the habits that people most often talk about as boosting their happiness is regular walking. And sometimes, though, it's hard to keep a habit up. And our listener Nora had two good suggestions for helping the habit of walking stick.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Nora says, I have some ideas about how to maintain a walking habit. First, pick up trash while walking. I live close to a beach and I regularly walk around and pick up trash. Great exercise and makes the walk feel more meaningful and gives me a big sense of satisfaction. Also, give yourself a destination. I live in LA where driving is the norm, but if the destination is less than a mile away, I walk if possible.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, see, I think this is such a great idea for so many reasons. First of all, one of my secrets of adulthood, and yes, my book of Secrets of adulthood is coming out April 1st, so that's very exciting. But one of my secrets of adulthood is a quest is more fun than a jaunt. And so it can be fun to be like, I'm gonna see how much trash I can pick up today or I'm gonna run that errand at the drugstore. Can make it more fun than just going for a walk.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Gretchen, of course, I have to mention David Sedaris here, one of my favorite writers.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Who is known for walking around the countryside picking up trash, so much so that they named a trash truck after him in his town.

[Gretchen Rubin]

A new kind of honor he did not expect, perhaps.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And this could be good for obligers because often people will say to me, I want accountability, but I don't want to take a class or I don't have anybody who would want to do this with me. I can't find an accountability partner here. You're sort of accountable to nature or to your neighborhood, your community by saying, well, if I don't go, then there's just going to be all this trash. But If I go, I'm really doing this good in the world, or, oh, I have this errand to run, or my child needs band Aids, I'll go pick it up. I'll walk a mile, pick up the band aids and walk back. That, I think, is a kind of accountability. That kind of efficiency also can appeal to a questioner. And I just think for all of us, there's just something about getting something done that can make an activity more satisfying.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. You know, I live near Mulholland, Gretchen, a big street separating the valley from LA City. And there's groups of people that get together and walk Mulholland and pick up trash. So it's a social event as well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's even better because then you've got the social. You can make one new friend and strengthen your habit of walking. So, Nora, thank you. Those were great suggestions for a habit that can be such a happiness booster. And now a know yourself better question. Okay, Elizabeth, I love this question which occurred to me as I've been thinking about, like, the empty nest slash open door phase of life.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, Gretchen, I'm can't wait to hear because I love these know yourself better questions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. So what I realized is one of the things for me that makes this period of life challenging, kind of this transition to the emptiness, is that I feel like I don't have a good memory of my own experiences. Like, I talk about this all the time. I'm not good at remembering my earlier life. You have of our life as sisters, as like children. You have a much better memory of it than I do. And what I realized is I have flashes of vivid recollections, but I don't have a feeling of the ongoingness of my life. What it was like to be in fifth grade, what it was like to be a junior in college, what it was like when we, Jamie and I were first married. I don't have that sense. And this occurred to me because a friend of mine who writes young adult fiction, I said to her, how do you remember so much about what it was like to be in middle school and high school? And she said, oh, I can always conjure up the past. I can just replace my current self with my former self. And I know, what music did I listen to? What were my worries? What my friends like, what was my schedule like? She can just remember that. And so I realized that she is a movie person. She can go back and watch the movie of what it was like to be in seventh grade. I have snapshots. I have, like, one Vivid picture of that afternoon when I had that conversation with that friend in that hallway. But I can't recapture the ongoingness of it. How about you, Elizabeth? Because I think you do have a better memory than I do. Are you a movie person or a snapshot person?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think I am more of a snapshot person. I think that images come back to me, and then I remember things around the image. But it's hard to go back and sort of watch it all unfold, sort.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Of to remember the ongoing experience of it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, I would love to do that. I know for certain periods, you know, other times, certain middle school periods, I'm sure we're happy to not remember.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think I'm ultimately more of a snapshot person.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well. But this is what I realized as I was thinking about my project, Empty Nest. Is that because I know this about myself, I'm really good at taking photographs, making photo albums, keeping mementos. I have my memento boxes for the girls and for myself, I have a file box where I keep all kinds of important documents and invitations and school photos. I have examples of schoolwork. I have all kinds of things that I've hung onto, but I've never gone back to review them. And so I think one of the things I want to do this year is I want to start at the beginning and review everything. And I'm hoping that maybe I'll get enough snapshots back that I will kind of have a sense of more of a movie. Because I'm thinking I don't remember what it was like to have a baby in a crib. I don't remember, like, the experience of walking in in the morning and picking up a baby from a crib and taking the baby to change the diaper. I can't really get back there in my mind. And I'm hoping that by reviewing all these artifacts that I've collected, that'll help to jog those memories or make them more salient.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's one of the beautiful things about technology, is it's so much easier now to take videos.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Adam took some videos from when Jack was a baby that when we watched them, all of those memories come back. But, I mean, without the videos, I wouldn't remember him standing up in the CR Crib in his sleep sack trying to get free and all of those cute things. So videos help.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We have some videos, but they're, like, not on our phones, so I need to figure out how to access that. But again, I have all these artifacts kept. I need to go through them and actually use them to jog my memory. I mean, this is why I created the Memento journal, which I love so much, to help keepsakes, the one sentence journal to help keep a journal. Because I think that all these things can be so helpful. But then we need to review them. We need to actually use them as memory prompts, or at least I need to use it as memory prompts. That's one of the main reasons that I did it. And I realized that I've just never actually accessed it. So this is a big thing that I want to do this year because I do really believe that it would make me happier to have a richer sense of the ongoingness of my life. And I think insofar as I'm experiencing the poignancy of the end of this season of life parenting with a child under my roof, I want to have a better connection to the past.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, you'll have to report back once you do your review and tell us how it goes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's going to take hours and hours and hours, but I'm very excited to do it. And now for four tendencies. Tip. This is a question that comes from Becky.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, she says, I'm an obliger and my husband is a questioner who tips to rebel. He tends to come home at the end of the day and immediately begin asking me irrelevant questions. And he usually asks the questions while I'm doing some unpleasant chore. Does Jacob have homework tonight while I'm cleaning up a dog accident? Have you talked to my mom about Thanksgiving? While I'm washing the dinner dishes? Do you know what the weather will be this weekend while I'm switching out loads of laundry? I just find this so irritating. And he's clueless as to the chores I'm doing while he asks me questions that he could find the answer to or questioning me about things that I'm doing for him even though he should be doing them. When I express irritation, he says I'm sensitive and gets mad. He's not making conversation. He's just shooting out a barrage of questions. I don't know how to handle his endless questions at the end of every day. I'm a stay at home mom of three kids. Any advice from you or your readers would be great. The truth of the four tendencies has helped me so much.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. I have so many thoughts. The first one is this is very common response to questioners, so that may not be comforting, but it is something that many people report, which is they feel drained and overwhelmed by the questions of questioners so this is a common thing that people feel in response to questioners. And I would also say, just as sort of a preliminary thing, is that to him it probably seems like you're free to answer. He thinks, well, you're doing dishes, but, like, that leaves you free to talk. He's not thinking of the mental load that comes from formulating answers, which can be very draining just to, like, dredge up an answer even to a simple question, especially when you're busy doing something else. So he may just be like, well, you're actually free to answer because you're not. It's not like you're on the phone. So he may be thinking that.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, but it could still be annoying.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. So here is one of the things that I would suggest, and that is question time. So if you look at Wikipedia, Wikipedia defines question time as a question time in a Parliament occurs when members of the Parliament ask questions of government ministers, including the Prime Minister, which they are obliged to answer. It usually occurs daily while Parliament is sitting, though it can be canceled in exceptional circumstances. So I would say to him, we're going to have question time. You have a lot of questions. We will set aside question and answer time and I will answer your questions then. And then the trick for you is to hold that time. And if he asks you a question, just say, like, leave it for question time. Because he's a question. You might say, like, it's just not efficient to ask all this stuff this way. It's very distracting. It's irritating me. I don't have access to information. Just add this to your list of questions for question time. And, you know, because he has a question, explain your reasons for this. What yet is efficient? It's more customized to your relationship, how you want to answer, how he wants to have his questions answered. You know, if you need to, you can take notes or you can coordinate better. You can figure out what needs to be done. And in this way you can limit the questions.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. And during that question time, don't look up an answer for him. He can find it on Google as well as you can. So say, oh, look that up.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I'm sure you've heard people say, like, we all have the same Google. Meaning, why would I say, Elizabeth, what time does the movie start? Or Elizabeth, what's the temperature outside? It's like, like, if I don't have special information, you look it up yourself. So he can't just use you as that. But again, you have to hold the line. Do not allow yourself to pull out the phone and look up something that you don't know any better than he does. Now, you probably, if you're an obliger, are going to need to create outer accountability for holding to question time. And I would suggest this. If you have three children, it is very likely that one is a questioner, because questioner is just a very common tendency. And you're married to a questioner. So I would say you probably have at least one questioner child. So you can think of this as showing your questioner children. Well, you're showing all your children healthy boundaries. This is something where it's very annoying to you. So you've come up with a solution that meets both people's needs. And so you're gonna hold that boundary. You wanna preserve your focus and mood so that you can be a good family member. You don't wanna be irritated, you don't wanna be snappish. You wanna maintain a loving atmosphere in the home. And if some one or more of those are questioners, you don't want to model that kind of someone responding to a barrage of questions. You don't want to show them that that is acceptable behavior. Because I have to say, as somebody who's spoken to so many people, of all the four tendencies, this is a real problem around questioners. Many, many people feel this around questioners. And so if you get a boss who's like, I don't like all these questions, you're undermining me, you're slowing things down, you're questioning my authority. Or it's a teacher saying, you're slowing down school. This isn't useful. Or it's just a friend who's like, man, I don't want to put up with this. This is something that many people around questioners complain about. And many people who are questioners, who are adult questioners, say, this is something that you need to learn, which is how to ask questions in a constructive way so that you don't get other people all annoyed. Like, it's an important thing to learn as a questioner. And so you want to be part of creating an environment that will model for children the proper way to handle this so that it's not deeply annoying to somebody.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, Gretch, I would offer just another take on this potentially.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay.

[Elizabeth Craft]

She says he's not trying to connect, that he's not trying to make conversation. But maybe he is, because I just say this because I feel like I ask questions like this to Adam and it drives him bonkers. But I often am trying to connect. So he's like, this is a useless question, but I'm really just trying to, like, check in and say hi. And it's just the way I'm doing it. So I don't know, maybe she should just consider that it may be that because he feels like, oh, here she is doing the dishes. That makes me feel kind of bad. So I'm gonna kind of stand here with her and be doing something with her so that I'm keeping her company.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I mean, if that were the case, you'd say, why don't you give him a task?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, that was gonna be the next thing I said. If he comes up and says, what time is the soccer game on Saturday? Why don't you say, hey, finish unloading the dishwasher. I'll check. And you know, that's a good way to unload some of these chores. Which it feels like Becky could definitely have some help over there with a lot of these chores. So, you know, maybe she could use this to her advantage.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. He says, have you talked to my mom about Thanksgiving? But no, I haven't done that. I'll go get on the phone with her and you finish doing it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Exactly. So anyway, just a thought.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's interesting. And you want to take that into account that it might be the sort of bid for attention, in which case, also question time might be useful because you're sitting down and you're very undivided attention. The undivided attention, then you really have somebody's focused attention. And it might be helpful to say to a questioner just because they are very focused on efficiency. One of the things you could say instead of saying snarkily, which I think is often my response, cause I'm married to a questioner, was something like I said, I say things like questions without answers, meaning I'm not gonna get into it, or save it for question time. You could say something like, I really wanna, like, give you a thoughtful answer. So let's talk about that at question time. Or we need to do some planning around that. Let's talk about that at question time. So this is something you can calibrate?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, but it's a great question.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's a great question. It's a very common pattern, for sure. And if anybody has any suggestions, I'm sure this comes up a lot. If you found something that's useful, please send it in. As somebody married to a questioner myself, I could use those suggestions too.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, coming up, I give myself a dog related demerit. But first, this break, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What do you want your 2025 story to be? Every January brings you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled. Maybe you're ready for a plot twist. Or maybe there's a part of your story you've been wanting to revise. Gretch, I know as a writer, I'm always wanting to rewrite my story on the page and in life. Well, therapy can be your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story you deserve to live. I know that without having done therapy, my life would be completely different. There is no way I would be a TV writer, right?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. And you can easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Write your story with BetterHelp.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Visit betterhelp.com happier to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com Gretchen Rubin are.

[Elizabeth Craft]

You still quoting 30 year old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now it pays to Discover. Learn [e-mail] credit card based on the February 2024 Nielsen report okay, Elizabeth, it's.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Time for demerits and gold stars. And this is an even numbered episode which is a demerit episode for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. So Gretchen, my demerit is that I have done nothing in order to stop my wonderful dogs Daisy and Nacho, the corgis, to not bark so much. We know corgis are prone to very loud, incessant barking and no doubt we call it dog training, but it's really, as we all know, human training. Yes, we could make this situation better, but we've done nothing toward that end. And as a result, they just bark all the time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's funny because, you know, it's always this question of is it a bug or a feature? Because they were actually they are meant to be have loud piercing bark so that they can more effectively herd cattle or sheep or whatever. But in your house it is less of a feature.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. So I really, we need to focus and like as a family do something. So that's why I'm making this a demerit. I'm hoping, as always, by talking about it, I'll convince myself to Take action.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Or are you just used to it and you're sort of like, so be it. This is like the nature of the dogs.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, I'd be fine with that for myself, honestly. But it's the neighbors. It's people coming over that I feel if it were just us, we probably wouldn't care. Cause they're our dogs, but it's everybody else I feel indebted to make this better. Yeah, so that's me. What is your gold star?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, so remember I had my big epiphany where I was thinking, like, scheduling is terrible. I so dislike scheduling. Scheduling is the worst thing that I do. It's such a waste of time. And then I had my epiphany that scheduling is life and that my life is my schedule. And by shaping my schedule, I'm shaping my life. And so I just kind of reframed the way that I feel about scheduling. So I had sort of a similar epiphany with email. So I was thinking, email takes so much time. I feel like I spend half of my workday answering email. It's such a time suck. It's such an energy drain. Like, the minute you empty it out, it fills up again. But then I realized I was telling myself it was so inefficient to be spending all this time on email, but then I realized, no. Email is efficiency. In my life, it feels like it takes so much time to do email. But if I were not using email, if I were trying to do this by phone, if I were trying to meet people face to face, if I were just texting, any of these things for me would take far longer and be much more inconvenient than. And so now I think email is efficiency. It is the thing that is saving me time.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Now, what's interesting, Gretch, is you are the only person I know who prefers email to texting.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I don't understand how that can be possible, because for so many things, email is better. How do you use texting for scheduling?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think texting is just an ongoing conversation, so it feels very real time. So you kind of know exactly what everyone thinks in the moment. Whereas with email, you can get lags. People don't realize other people have responded, which makes it confusing. I don't know, but it depends. Now, if I'm sending a document, like if Sarah and I are sending each other a document, then yes, we use email. There are certain things we need email for. But.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, maybe it's just our workflow and our kind of the way we engage with Our friends and stuff. But, like, let's say you were sending out a notice to not even like a modging group, like a book club, saying, hey, just wanted to remind you it's Tuesday. Let me know if you're coming or not. You would do that on text?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, for that particular thing, I would use email just because that's how it's been done. But I actually think texting would be better because I also think people maybe feel more compelled to respond on text because they know, you know, they saw it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But this part of what I don't like about it is, like, I like to just do things in my own time. And, like, I like to batch things. And so I don't like the feeling that. And then I finally, now I do. I'm much better about marking things as unread so that I don't just utterly forget that they were there. But I feel like I'm much more likely to forget that I got a text. Like, I'll read it and think, oh, I'll just look up something and text them right back. And then I never think of it again. Whereas with email, it's like, I use my email. I do what you're. A lot of productivity experts say, don't use your email as a to do list. I 1000% use my email as a to do list. I will often create an email to myself to act as a reminder to do something on my to do list. Yeah. So maybe this is just a good example of how all of us use these tools in different ways. And so maybe you say text is efficiency.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Just this idea that something that you feel like, oh, it's constantly, like, requiring me to take action or to take notice. Actually, it's probably better than not having it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. And it's like reframing anything. Like the traffic meditation and all that. Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Remind people of what traffic meditation is.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. That is when you're stuck in traffic, use it as a time to be meditating about being in traffic, to do traffic meditation, as opposed to feeling very frustrated that you are sitting in traffic.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I remind myself, I love nature, and I am nature. I don't like traffic, and I am also traffic. I am both the resource for this week. So we're already, you know, a couple weeks into the new year. If you are following behind with a resolution or a habit or a challenge, I've created a resource to help you refocus, figure out what actually works for you. It's based on all the research that I've done and it provides advice so you can really personalize it and use frameworks that are right for you. So maybe you're feeling behind or maybe you haven't even started yet. That's fine, too. You're never behind. Start where you are. It's designed to help us all reset and create a Happier 2025. If you go to happiercast.com happier2025, you can find it there and get started. And Elizabeth, one of the things we're working on is read 25 and 25. What are you reading these days?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I'm reading Look Closer by David Ellis.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm reading when Mrs. Coverlet was away by Mary Nash. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Make one new friend in 2025. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Please rate us, please review us, please follow us, and if you like the show, tell everyone you know.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward. Elizabeth, I think the next time that you and I are both in Kansas City at the same time, we should go back through all the photographs of our childhood together because we've sort of looked at little stacks here and there. But I think it would be fun for all four of us, for mom and dad, too, to like really go back. Remember we watched those old, old, old family movies last time and that was super fun. Maybe we that of the list of things that we want to do the next time we're together in kc.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. I would love to look at all of our Nantucket pictures.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. One thing I love to see is the clothes. It's so funny to see what people are wearing from the Onward project.