Ep. 541: Try These Parenting Hacks from Listeners, Manage Your Own Worry & an Easy Packing Hack

Summary

Happier with Gretchen Rubin: Episode 541 Summary

Release Date: July 2, 2025

In Episode 541 of Happier with Gretchen Rubin, titled "Try These Parenting Hacks from Listeners, Manage Your Own Worry & an Easy Packing Hack", Gretchen Rubin and her cohost, Elizabeth Craft, delve into practical parenting strategies shared by listeners, explore ways to manage personal worries, and offer a straightforward packing tip to streamline summer travel. This engaging episode is packed with actionable insights, heartfelt discussions, and thoughtful reflections aimed at enhancing happiness and well-being.

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1. Introduction and Community Updates

Timestamp: [01:15] – [05:24]

Gretchen Rubin kicks off the episode by welcoming listeners and introducing the main topics. She shares personal updates, including her excitement about celebrating the Fourth of July with her parents and evolving family traditions as part of her "empty nest" experience. Elizabeth Craft adds a touch of humor, hinting at her absence from the festivities.

Notable Quote:

• Gretchen Rubin: "The 4th of July is such a great reminder that with everything going on, it's really good to take time to reflect on the highest ideals of our country." ([01:53])

2. Parenting Hacks from Listeners

Timestamp: [05:34] – [18:14]

One of the episode's highlights is a compilation of creative and effective parenting hacks submitted by listeners. Gretchen and Elizabeth share a variety of strategies designed to make parenting more manageable and enjoyable. From simple rule-setting to imaginative solutions for bedtime routines, the hosts explore diverse approaches that resonate with a wide audience.

Key Parenting Hacks Discussed:

• Disguising Purchases for Children: Gretchen shares how she handles her daughters' desires for items not meant for them by presenting them as display-only, making the "no" easy to accept.
  Gretchen Rubin: "If something was for safety, it was just kind of a non-negotiable." ([05:41])

• Imaginative Solutions for Nightmares: Delaney uses a playful method to reassure her children about nightmares by "checking" their ears for bad dreams.
  Gretchen Rubin: "That's very imaginative." ([07:58])

• Curfew Punishments Without Predefined Consequences: A high schooler's strict curfew relies on undefined punishments to encourage punctuality.
  Gretchen Rubin: "I love that. I love that." ([08:32])

• Assigning "Manager" Roles to Chores: Chrissy enhances chore compliance by titling tasks with managerial responsibilities.
  Gretchen Rubin: "Adding meditation, like waiting in line meditation or bus stop meditation." ([08:52])

• Financial Accountability for Leaving Lights On: Katie implements a system where kids use a roll of nickels to pay for leaving lights on, teaching responsibility through small financial penalties.
  Gretchen Rubin: "That's a different Katie. Very funny." ([09:11])

• Creating "Magic Lines" for Safe Play Areas: Christine establishes a "magic line" that serves as a boundary for outdoor play, effectively ensuring safety through imagination.
  Gretchen Rubin: "This just shows the power of the imagination." ([09:36])

• PJ Fashion Shows to Encourage Bedtime Routines: Megan transforms bedtime into a fun activity by making it a fashion show, thereby easing transitions into sleep.
  Gretchen Rubin: "I love this. So creative." ([10:28])

• Lost and Found Bowls: Sarah recommends maintaining a designated bowl for misplaced items, reducing clutter and fostering organization.
  Gretchen Rubin: "This reminds me of my bowl of requirement." ([10:54])

Notable Quote:

• Joanne emphasizes the importance of communicating personal needs to the family.
  Joanne: "Be clear about what you need, and then people can give it to you." ([05:24])

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3. Happiness Hack: Organizing for Summer Travel

Timestamp: [21:17] – [22:43]

Jennifer shares a practical tip to manage summer travel preparations effectively. By designating a large Rubbermaid bin as a prep station, her family successfully organized their gear, reduced clutter, and streamlined the packing process for a 10-day backpacking trip in New Mexico.

Key Points:

• Designated Prep Station: Using a single container to gather all trip-related items prevents disorganization.
• Enhanced Tracking: This method ensures nothing is forgotten and reduces last-minute stress.
• Peace of Mind: Organized preparation leads to a smoother and more enjoyable travel experience.

Notable Quote:

• Gretchen reflects on the effectiveness of Jennifer's strategy based on her own experience.
  Gretchen Rubin: "It just eliminates the decision fatigue of running around the apartment, gathering it up and having to track the fact that you need to have it." ([22:18])

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4. Know Yourself Better: Managing Your Own Worry

Timestamp: [23:03] – [29:40]

In this segment, Gretchen introduces the "know yourself better" question focused on personal worry management. The discussion explores how one's attempts to manage their own worries might inadvertently burden others or attempt to control them. Through poignant examples, Gretchen and Elizabeth examine the delicate balance between self-regulation and respecting others' autonomy.

Key Discussion Points:

• Balancing Protection and Autonomy: Understanding when worry influences actions that affect loved ones.
• Impact of Technology: How tools like location tracking can escalate worry and strain relationships.
• Emotional Responsibility: Recognizing the limits of one's ability to protect others through worry.

Notable Quotes:

• Gretchen shares a haunting example from a Wall Street Journal article about a daughter urging her father to quit driving out of concern, which inadvertently diminishes his independence.
  Gretchen Rubin: "In your desire to manage your own worry, are you burdening someone else with your worry or are you even trying to control them because you are trying to manage your worry?" ([23:41])

• Elizabeth reflects on the modern challenges introduced by technology in managing worry between parents and adult children.
  Elizabeth Craft: "I know I could be guilty of it for sure." ([28:05])

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5. Demerit and Gold Star

Timestamp: [31:32] – [35:00]

A recurring feature of the podcast, the "Demerit and Gold Star" segment, offers a lighthearted yet honest look at the hosts' personal challenges and triumphs.

• Demerit:

  • Gretchen humorously confesses her struggle with "Tsundoku"—the habit of acquiring books and letting them pile up unread. Despite her resolution to read only what she owns, she humorously admits to frequently buying new books or checking them out from the library due to forgetfulness.
    Gretchen Rubin: "I'm afraid I'll forget about it. Right. I feel like I don't want to create some long list because then I can never remember." ([32:46])

• Gold Star:

  • Elizabeth awards a repeated gold star to the Libby app, a library platform that allows users to check out e-books and audiobooks seamlessly. She praises its convenience and transformative impact on her reading habits.
    Elizabeth Craft: "When I discovered Libby, it changed my life." ([33:22])

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6. Additional Segments and Wrap-Up

Timestamp: [35:00] – [38:41]

The episode concludes with brief promotions for products like JLAB headphones and Quince clothing, emphasizing the importance of practical tools in enhancing daily life. Gretchen introduces her new Substack project, Secrets of Adulthood, where she plans to share reflections, teaching stories, and engage in live conversations with other writers and thinkers.

Notable Quote:

• Gretchen encourages listeners to utilize the shared parenting hacks and engage with the community for further support.
  Gretchen Rubin: "Which of these parenting hacks worked for you? And if you have more, we're still gathering them up. Cannot get enough." ([18:14])

Elizabeth and Gretchen wrap up by sharing their current readings and expressing gratitude to their executive producer and listeners, inviting everyone to subscribe to their Substack projects for more in-depth content.

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Key Takeaways:

• Innovative Parenting: Listener-submitted hacks offer a wealth of creative solutions to common parenting challenges, emphasizing imagination, responsibility, and clear communication.
• Managing Worries: Self-awareness in managing personal anxieties is crucial to prevent unintended impacts on loved ones, highlighting the importance of boundaries and autonomy.
• Organizational Tips: Simple yet effective strategies, like designated prep stations, can significantly reduce stress and enhance productivity during busy times like summer travel.
• Community Engagement: The episode underscores the value of community contributions and shared experiences in fostering a supportive and informed listener base.

For more insights and practical tips, listeners are encouraged to explore additional resources and engage with Gretchen and Elizabeth through their various platforms.

Transcript

[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

Lemonade.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast about how to make our lives happier. This week we'll explore many super helpful parenting hacks from listeners and know your better question related to worry. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer, studies happiness, good habits, secrets of adulthood, human nature. I'm in my little hot home office here in New York City, and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. And Elizabeth, our parents are going to be with me for the Fourth of July. I cannot wait.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la. And Gretch, I am very sorry to be missing out on your 4th of July fun with mom and dad.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, I have decided to turn Fourth of July into like a big fan family holiday. It's part of my new empty nest, evolving traditions. And it's also, you know, the 4th of July is just such a great reminder that with everything going on, it's really good to take time to reflect on the highest ideals of our country.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Absolutely. It also happens to be our mom's birthday.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, many reasons to pause and reflect and feel grateful. But before we jump in, a few updates.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, this comes from Rachel. She says our family's summer theme hit me like a lightning bolt yesterday. It will be the summer of public Library video rentals. My kids recently started watching the office via borrowed DVDs from the library. It's handy and I didn't have to pay for another streaming service. It rekindled the very fondest memories of borrowing VHS tapes from my hometown library when I have not yet seen a movie that was a standard of the 80s or 90s. I always joke. Haven't seen it. Must not have been in the library's collection. This theme offers so much. It's nostalgic. It's free. The kids can use DVDs independently, no parental controls like we have on streaming. There is a natural break to DVDs so we're less likely to accidentally binge watch something, and the shorter rental length for DVDs will put us in the door of our library more often. And it's just delightfully specific. When I announced it, my kids actually laughed out loud and said yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, I love that. What a great idea. And another reason to use the library. We love it. One thing we've talked about recently is reminding everybody that here in the United States real ID is coming, and so we need to make sure that our IDs are real ID compliant. And several listeners wrote in with stories about realizing that their ID was already real ID compliant, but they didn't check before they headed to the DMV or before they took their mother to the DMV so she could get her real id. Different states have been rolling this out differently. You may have already magically done this without realizing it, so be sure to look before you go to the trouble to head to the dmv.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, I checked. Mine is not compliant. Same had to use my passport at the airport.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I was really hoping that I had magically solved this and I had not.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Gretch Here's a response to the listener whose husband was always asking her questions and she found it irritating. Lisa said, when I was younger, I never understood this interaction that my mom and dad used to have. My dad would be peppering my mom with questions and she would say in an exasperated tone, and eddie, pretend I'm not here. I used to think that was rude of my mom, but recently, while on vacation with my questioner husband, I almost blurted out, pretend I'm not here. After receiving so many questions one morning, I finally understood my mom's behavior in that moment. Sometimes my husband needs a reminder that he can Google too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, so this is hilarious. And it is a good reminder if you are a questioner, that sometimes these questions can drain and overwhelm others. And if people are saying things like this, it's a good reminder. And this is also a lighthearted way to deal with that issue. And then this came from Joanne. In response to our discussion about not disparaging something that's actually important to you, she wrote, years ago, I realized that it is important to me to Have a cake and have people sing to me on my birthday. I explained this to my family, and now I always have a little celebration of my birthday, even if it is a hostess cupcake. So that's good. Be clear about what you need, and then people can give it to you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And this week, our try this at home tip is try these parenting hacks from listeners. We got so many great parenting hacks, Elizabeth.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, my gosh, so many wonderful. But, Gretch, you start us off. What are some of your favorite parenting hacks?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, here's some of the ones that I did. So my daughters were really little and we were in a store and they saw things that they wanted me to buy but that I didn't want to buy for them. I would say, oh, God, too bad that thing isn't for sale. That's just for display. And they never questioned that. And similarly, if I said, well, this is for safety, somehow it had really gotten through to them that if something was for safety, it was just kind of a non negotiable. And I think I threw that one around more than was really necessary. And then I also want to pass along this hack from my friend Lisa. I thought this was so funny. So she gave my book, Secrets of Adulthood to all three of her children on Mother's Day. And in the back, she wrote down her secrets of adulthood for each child, which was actually just like advice for each child. And if there's one thing that we know is we are not supposed to give our young adult children unsolicited advice. As she gave it to them, she said, I am asking you to give me Mother's Day immunity so that I can give you this unsolicited advice. And they all graciously agreed. So I thought that that was a very clever way to introduce a little bit of whimsy, give it a funny name and get your advice under the door.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That is so fun. And I really want to know what her advice was to each child.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Of course I know. Well, I'm seeing her this weekend. I'll ask her. That's a great question. I don't know why I didn't.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I need to know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And how about you, Elizabeth? What is a parenting hack from you?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, Gretch, I never would have thought this would be my parenting hack, but it's get dogs, especially corgis, of course, because they're so darn entertaining. But they brought our family together right around these dogs. I think a household is so much more joyful with a dog. Yes, even better.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Too Clearly, I took that advice from you, Elizabeth. Now that we have two dogs, this comes from Rebecca. She says, we used to give my son choices whenever we could. Of the choices was, do you want to go to bed at 7:30 or 7:34?

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's funny.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Similarly, Amanda said, turning a non choice into a choice at a restaurant, my husband would ask, do you guys want the kids chicken and cheese quesadilla or the kids chicken and cheese quesadilla? Without fail, the kids chicken and cheese quesadilla.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I love that.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's funny.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Delaney said, when my kids were younger and worried about having nightmares, I told them I could look in their ears to see if a bad dream was in their head. Usually it was all clear, but sometimes I said, oh, I see one, and had them shake their head to get it out.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So cute.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's very imaginative.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Laura said, when our daughter was in high school and started going out at night, she had a strict curfew. She would ask what the punishment would be if she were late. We told her she would find out if she was late. She was never late because she couldn't weigh the cost of punishment. Truth be told, we truly didn't know what the punishment would be.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I love that. I love that. Chrissy said, I added the term manager to any chore and it got done with less bus, please be electricity manager, meaning turn off all the lights before we leave. I love this. This is like adding meditation, like waiting in line meditation or bus stop meditation. It's like, are you the manager? I love it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Suddenly, if you're the manager, you're the boss, and so it's important that you do your boss duties.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Katie said, my kids were constantly leaving lights on, so I gave them each a roll of nickels. I then took 5 cents from them every time I discovered a light that they'd left on. Solve the problem for about 35 cents.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then Katie said, this is a different Katie. Katie says, once my kids were complaining about eating their vegetables, so I let them each eat a few bunny grams and then told them the bunnies needed vegetables. They fed the bunnies in their tummies veggies for about six months before they started to question it. That's very funny.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Diana said, if my boys were too rowdy while I was driving, I just told them I would sing if they didn't settle down. Well, that would work in my case.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Too, so me too, Elizabeth. This was one we could have definitely taken advantage of. Dyte says, cut the salami, cheese, whatever in half asked, do you want one piece or two pieces? Always two pieces made them happy. And this comes from Christine. For outside play in the front yard and driveway, we established the magic line near the street that the kids could never ever create Cross on pain of what did we ever set consequences? Maybe not at first. It was a line drawn with chalk. It morphed into Mama waving in the general direction of the magic line. And ultimately I could throw a magic line anywhere in public just by shouting magic line. The kids would come to a screeching Halt. It was 100% effective, probably still is. This just shows the power of the imagination, right? I love that.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It really does.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Megan said when they didn't want to change into pajamas for bedtime, tell them it's PJ fashion show time. They go to their room, get the PJs on, then play some music while they walk in the fashion show. Tell them you're going to think in your mind of which PJs they're going to pick. Then they put them on and you tell them if you got it right or not. Works for getting dressed in the morning too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I love this.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So creative.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh my gosh, we could have like a whole special episode on Bedtime Hacks. Yes, Sarah said. I made a place for lost things. A bowl that held stray puzzle pieces, small figurines, accessories, et cetera. Find one on the floor, put it in the lost things bowl. Missing a piece. Look in the lost things bowl. That worked so dang well and then we moved and now I need to set that up again because even with nearly teens, this would still be useful. This reminds me of my bowl of requirement, where everywhere we go when we're at home or traveling, I have a bowl and it's like sunglasses, AirPods, keys, spare change. A list that somebody made for the drugstore goes in the bowl of requirement. I love the idea of the bowl of lost things.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, I do too. Natalie said. When my kids were little, a phrase I found myself uttering was, that's the rule. I don't make the rules, but we have to obey them. The rule could be after school. Stacks must contain at least one fruit or vegetable or some other parenting thing. My kids never questioned it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is interesting because I wonder if you had rebel children or questioner children if this would not work or if there's something about childhood where they kind of are more rule reverent. I don't know, but I think this is one that it might work very well with some children, but for other children it could really Backfire. Spectacularly interesting.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. I would say that with a doctor. I would say it's what the doctor said. I have no opinion on it, but the doctor said that you have to eat more vegetables.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's for safety. That sometimes there are these things that for children have their special weight. Betsy said if the date ended in an odd number, then it was number one child's turn for whatever they bickered over. If the date ended in an even number, it was number two child's turn. There's a heuristic even odd, and it settles things in a very fair way.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Love that. Mandy said, with the Tooth Fairy, I would ask my kids to give me the tooth to wrap in foil, and I would use several layers to securely wrap it. Only I would wrap the money and pocket the tooth, and they never noticed. Then I would tell them to hide the tooth anywhere they wanted. They also set booby traps. I never had to wait for them to fall asleep.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I mean, this is really ingenious. This is like what illusionists use, right? They swap it out and you never know. Love it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Clever.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Catherine says, don't try to make a happy baby happier. And that's along the same lines of don't replace fun with fun. If it's working, don't get in there and try to improve things. Very good advice.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Scarlett said our young adult children still have their treasured lovies from babyhood. One of the first things we did when we observed how bonded they were to a favorite stuffy was to make sure we had multiple copies of each one, just in case one was lost or left behind in an airplane. We still talk about how my husband sprinted across the airport to retrieve Bunny when he was left on the plane. I can't believe he actually convinced the gate attendant to allow him back on the plane to retrieve it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We've all done it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I did that with Jack. I had five of his little blankies that he loved, and we still have them, you know, floating around the house.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Side note, I had never until very recently heard the term stuffy.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think it's relatively new that just.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Emerged onto the scene for me. Okay, yeah, great suggestion. Yes. You're living on the edge. If you just have one of that very special thing. Lindsay said, when things are challenging, tell yourself it's probably just a phase. We're not doing anything wrong. When things are going well, tell yourself, wow, we must be doing a really great job. Contradictory, maybe, but it's been a very effective survival strategy for me. I'd also like to share some not so great advice I received from a well meaning friend when my first child was a newborn. Don't read any parenting books, she said. Mothering is instinctual. You'll know what to do. Well, guess what? I did not know what to do. I felt completely out of my depth from day one. I found it immensely empowering when I finally decided to intentionally seek out resources and educate myself. There is so much to learn from the experience and expertise of others and I am still able to use my ever developing mothering instincts to pick and choose what I feel is right for my family. So this is a great example. Know yourself. Do what's right for you. There's no one right way. An approach that might have worked really, really well from her friend didn't work for her.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's also an example of how somebody says something and it just gets stuck in your head.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

You just have this idea that you shouldn't read books just because one person said that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No. And we say these things without realizing like how much power they might have in someone's mind. Maybe your friend wouldn't have said something so absolute if she'd realized how much it would have stuck.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. Fiona says read aloud to your child. I cannot stress this enough. I worked in a public library for 20 years and did story time for parents and babies and for older children. Start reading to your child the day they are born or even in utero. Don't stop. Many parents stop reading aloud when their child is in grade two or three because they have learned to read on their own. Don't do it. Continue to read aloud until they are 12, 15, even older. Try family reading time when your child is old enough to read. Have a family time when you all read together. Children need to see adults reading. You are a role model for your child.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is great, great advice and it's so fun. It's such a wonderful way to bring people together. So love that. April said, my parenting tip I give new parents is to keep a notebook or journal on your nightstand and each night before bed jot down some fun experiences from the day. When my kids were little and would say or do cute things, I would record them this way. Now when I look back at the journals, I'm shocked at how much I don't actually remember and I'm glad to have it written down so I can keep the fun and silly memories alive. Well, this is one of the ways people use my one sentence journal is they devote it to just fun family memories for exactly this reason.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Sandra said the best advice I ever received was from a preschool teacher when I was tying my son's shoelaces one afternoon, she came over and lovingly whispered in my ear, never do something for your child that he can do for himself. I still use that advice and my kids are in their 30s. That's funny.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I was just thinking about this with Project Empty Nest. It's something that we have to keep in mind forever.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, I know we tried to get mom to like order our plane tickets for well past the necessary time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh yes, oh yes. And I still would if I could. Amanda said the two best pieces of parenting advice that I was given are first, be there for the transitions. By that I mean the times when your child is going from one place to another. So drop off and pick up from school the talk before bedtime. Pick them up from the bus or the flight or the friend's house or camp. These times are much more important than being with them in the new location once they're there. I thought, that's interesting. And number two, if you're lucky you get them until they are about 12 years old, then you need to start granting more autonomy. Not completely, of course, but many parents completely miss this timeframe.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Good advice. And finally, Gretchen, here's a parenting hack that includes whimsy. Tammy said, always have lots of food coloring on hand. It is fun for all ages and washes out of most things. We've used it for tie dyeing, watercolor painting, science experiments, experiments, homemade play doh, card making and more. It has provided hours of screen free entertainment for my children and me. I know you are a huge fan of food coloring Gretch.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Man, I dye food at the drop of a hat anytime I can think of an excuse. I love food dye. So let us know if you do try any of these hacks. Which of these parenting hacks worked for you? And if you have more, we're still gathering them up. Cannot get enough. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an [e-mail] or as always, go to the show notes. Go to happiercast.com541 for everything related to this episode.

[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

And now we're back for a happiness hack. And this comes from Jennifer.

[Elizabeth Craft]

She says, I wanted to share a simple tip that made a big difference in our house and might be helpful for your listeners as summer travel ramps up, My husband and son are heading out on a 10 day backpacking trip in New Mexico this summer. Over the past few months we've been ordering gear, digging supplies out of storage, and gathering paperwork, and things started piling up all over the house. We had papers and a first aid kit on the kitchen counter, a backpack in a bedroom corner, and no real sense of what we had or still needed. I had the idea to grab a large unused Rubbermaid bin from the garage and designated it as our our prep station. If it was for the trip, it went in the bin. That one small change helped us stay organized, track what we had, and eliminated the clutter and constant questions like, did that thing we ordered ever arrive? We'll definitely use this strategy for future trips that require special gear or planning. It brought order, peace of mind, and a little burst of happiness. That is a fantastic idea.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. I have to say, when we were planning our trip to England, our hiking trip, in the end, I started using Eliza's room and putting everything on her bed. But I did it sort of without thinking about it. And I wish that I had done it much more purposefully like this. Even things like my passport or book that I knew I wanted to take because it just eliminates the decision fatigue of running around the apartment, gathering it up and having to track the fact that you need to have it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, I did that with our guest room bed. I put all of my gear for England on that. And I remember when Sarah and I were going to Puerto Rico for months, I for weeks had like two big suitcases in the guest room. And every time I thought of something that I needed, I would just put it in there. And then I organized it all at the end.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it just makes everything so much simpler to keep track of. And now for a know yourself better question. Now I've been thinking about this question in the context of the empty nest. Cause I'm thinking so much about the empty nest, which I'm also calling the open door stage of life. It's actually comes up over and over throughout our lives in a lot of different contexts. And this is the question to ask yourself if you are worried about something. In your desire to manage your own worry, are you burdening someone else with your worry or are you even trying to control them because you are trying to manage your worry?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. This is a very profound question, Gretchen. This could really change lives.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. It's sort of hard to articulate it clearly, but here's an example of where I saw this. And this example has stayed in my mind for years. It sort of haunted me. It was a Wall Street Journal article and it was, I don't know what it was talking about, like aging parents or something like that. And there was an anecdote where a daughter was explaining that she had prevailed on her 80 year old father to quit driving. And she said, well, I was just so worried. And the expert said to her, well, now you have less worry, but you have taken away something very important from him. And in this case, there had been no evidence that the father's driving was at all affected. So she had wanted him to stop driving because she didn't want to worry about it. And this also comes up with children. I was talking to somebody who was saying how she keeps a really close watch over her daughter, who's in her mid-20s, to make sure that she was commuting safely to and from work and that she came home late at night if she was out. And so this mother was checking Find my on the phone. So she was doing location tracking, and she was also texting and calling, and the daughter was saying, like, hey, this is too much. I need more space. I don't need this. And the mother said, well, I see her point of view, but the thing is, I worry. And she's not respecting that. But. So, yes, the mother is worried, but the constant checking isn't making the daughter safer at that point. Isn't that the daughter's worry to manage? The mother wants reassurance. She wants her worries to be managed, but in order to do that, she's sort of trying to curtail what her daughter does. And sometimes it's appropriate for people to help us manage our worries, but then I think sometimes it can become too much, and it's hard to know that about ourselves.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. I think even asking yourself the question is a big step. It wouldn't even occur to many of us that our worry might be a burden to someone else and an unfair burden, for sure, with the mom and daughter. The daughter needs to be able to live her life and not be worried about getting home and texting her mom when she's 25 years old.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And I do think technology probably has made this more of an issue because we can communicate. I mean, I remember when Eliza was a freshman, she would text you all the time. Well, we never could do that with our parents. You know, it's just a totally different dynamic.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. The more you can monitor, I think people then feel like they have a duty to monitor.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I also think that there is this superstitious feeling that's very powerful, which is, I will protect you with my worry. That by worrying you. My worry itself is a form of spiritual protection. And if I don't worry, maybe I am being remiss that there is a responsibility to worry. But the problem is it can have these really negative consequences on someone else. I saw this story on social media, just like a question posted from A mother in a group where she was saying, okay, my son, he's thrilled. He got into his dream medical school. He's moving all the way across the country. He's really excited. But she. The mother was frantic with worry because if there were a nuclear attack, oh, my goodness, he was in a place that was at very high risk to be hit. And she said, well, you know, he told her, like, well, if he had to reapply, his dreams would be on hold and his future wouldn't be certain. But she was very, very stressed out, and she was trying to decide what to do. And so her worry comes from this loving desire to protect him. But the fact is, she can't really protect him. If there was a nuclear attack near him, there would be many, many people would be trying to deal with that. And this worry could create a lot of issues for him. Like, if it were intense enough, he might change his plans to mollify her. That could derail him from the path he set for himself. Or he might pull away from her because he can't manage that anxiety. He doesn't want. If he feels like, oh, if I follow my dream, my mother is going to be frantic. It's like, well, I can change what I'm doing, or I can not talk to my mom.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. No, it can really take you down a bad road. And I think it's very easy to do this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I think it is.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I know I could be guilty of it for sure.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and I remember a friend of mine had cancer and beat it. And then she got cancer again. And that is not good. You don't want to be getting it again. And she beat it again. Everything is fine. So happy ending. But she was telling me that she's very, very close to her mother. But her mother was so distraught the second time that she said, like, I really could not be in communication with my mother. I had to manage myself, my husband, my three children. I just didn't have anything left over for her. And so it was very poignant to me that at this time, when she probably really needed her mother, her mother's worry really put this wedge between them. Now, we don't always have control over our emotions. Like, you can't just say, like, well, now I'm not gonna worry and turn it off. But it is this know yourself better question, because with the daughter that was saying, like, I need more space. It's like, if people are saying this, you need to understand, like, what are they responding to? Or if someone's saying, you need to stop doing this. And you're like, but I feel like what I'm doing is perfectly safe. You are just worried, I don't know that I need to change my actions again. It's to understand this dynamic.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, it's a really interesting question. I'd love to hear from people if they look at themselves and suddenly realize, oh wow, I've been doing this. And if they can stop.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, no. What are the contexts that comes up in and how do people manage it? Or have they experienced someone else's worry? Like, I think it would be very interesting to hear from both sides of that. Yeah. So let us know, what is your experience with this? It's really a fascinating subject.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Coming up, Gretchen has a demerit related to her summer of Sundoku. But first, this break. Meet JLAB headphones and speakers as vibrant as your summer beach days, workout sessions, or chill moments. Find the perfect sound with JLab. JLab's colorful collection has something for every summer adventure and every moment. Think headphones and speakers and fresh summer colors with features you actually want for beach workouts, poolside chilling or sunset jamming sessions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They have so many great products. I mean, the one that I really, really Love is the JBuds Mini. These are little tiny earbuds. They fit on your keychain. I carry mine with me everywhere. They come in fresh mint, green, sage, ocean aqua, bright pink or sleek black. I have the black. They're smaller than a coin. Perfect for small ears and for summer pockets. Plus, they have their Summer speaker series. From pocket size to party size, the JLab party speaker series brings powerful sound to any summer gathering. Look for the blue box at retailers everywhere or shop jlab.com and use code happier for 15% off your order.

[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quint gives you luxury without the markup. Give your summer closet an upgrade with quince. Go to quince.com Gretchen for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Gretchen to get free shipping and 365 day return. Quince.com Gretchen all right, Gretch, we're back.

[Elizabeth Craft]

With demerits and gold stars, and it's your turn this week for a demerit.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay? So I'm saying I have my Summer of Tsundoku. It's T Summer of Tsundoku, which is. I have vowed that this summer, I'm only going to read off my shelves. I'm not going to buy new books, and I'm not going to check out books from the library. I'm only just going to read what I have because I have so many great books that I want to read. So, Elizabeth, I give you one guess. What do you think my demerit is?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think you bought a book.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, I bought many books. And I have checked out many books from the library. I just can't resist because here's the thing. I'm afraid I'll forget about it. Right. I feel like I don't want to create some long list because then I can never remember. So I'm like, oh, I'll just buy it. Or like, a friend had a book come out and I'm like, well, I want to buy it now because if I buy it later, I want to, like, sort of be on the record as having bought it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then I'm like, well, it's a library book. Or if it's related to the Empty Nest, I'm like, well, that doesn't count because that's real research.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So it's hard.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But I am only reading books that I already own, but I. Well, and also ones related to the Empty Nest, because that's research. But the shelves are not getting any. There is no space opening up on those shelves.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's a problem. I'm empathetic. I do think buying your friend's book now that that's a must do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. The list of exceptions has been growing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's getting longer.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, it's a good problem to have. I'm not working as efficiently through the shelves as I expected. But, Elizabeth, what is your gold star?

[Elizabeth Craft]

All right, Gretch, I am giving what I'm sure is a repeat gold star to the Libby app. L I B B Y. Speaking of reading, this is a library app where you can check books out of the library on your phone and you can check out audiobooks. You know, I love an audiobook.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You love an audiobook.

[Elizabeth Craft]

When I discovered Libby, it changed my life. You can have maybe up to 15 or 20 books on hold. And sometimes there's a long wait. You can check several books at once. You get them for three weeks. I absolutely love it. The reason I wanted to do a repeat gold star is because just recently I've mentioned it to a few people who had not heard of it, and one of them texted me the next day and said, oh, my gosh, I just checked out my first book from Libby. Life changed. So I want to make sure people are aware of it now. Not everybody has access to Libby, but. But there's other library apps, so if you look it up, you can find what is in your town. But a lot of people have Libby.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, because that's the thing. Because since it's tied to the library system, it is tied to your location. Yeah. Libby has huge coverage, but there are other ones that cover other places, so. Yeah, it's not hard to figure out. Yeah. That's so exciting. Libraries. Can we just say it? Libraries are amazing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The resource for. This week, I have launched a new project on Substack called Secrets of Adulthood. But, Alyssa, you have your substack now I have my substack, partly inspired by your substack. So let's take a minute and tell people what substack is. Just like, some people have never heard of Libby, some people have not heard of substack yet.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. So Substack is a platform, I would call it, where you can sign up for newsletters and there's usually a free subscription, and then you can upgrade to paid if you want more. What's great about substack is it also has the ability to chat chat threads. It has something called Notes, which is essentially like Twitter, which is really fun. What I say about Substack is that it's very much about ideas and information and less about sort of catching up with high school friends.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's much more based on ideas.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Well, I think you and I were both drawn to it and Sarah as well, your writing partner, because it's very writerly and readerly, and yet there's a lot of creativity you can bring to it. And there's all kinds of people writing all kinds of things. So whatever you're interested in, there's a lot to find there. You can read it through your email, like as an email newsletter, or they have an app, the Substack app. I really like the app. I know a lot of people who don't use the app who just use it through email, but it's nice to have the option. You can pick what works for you. So in my substack, which is called Secrets of Adulthood, I am sharing reflections and teaching stories. You know, I love a teaching story about happiness, human nature, self knowledge. You know, my whole life I've been collecting aphorisms, proverbs, fables, paradoxes, Cohens, all kinds of teaching stories. And I am so excited because now I have the perfect place to put them and share them and write them myself. Just like I wrote my own secrets of Adulthood. I've been thinking, like, maybe I should try to write a fable. The kind of fable that has animals in it, you know, like an Aesop's fable. It's actually surprisingly hard. I've not written a fable yet, but stay tuned. And I will also be using it to hold live conversations with other writers and thinkers about their own secrets of adulthood. This is a really fun thing you can do on Substack is have live conversations. Elizabeth. You guys do this every week on Happier in Hollywood?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, we answer a question every Saturday from a listener live on Substack. And we also share a lot of writing tips and we demystify Hollywood. So sign up for the Happier in Hollywood substack, please and or sign up.

[Gretchen Rubin]

For the Secrets of Adulthood substack. They are both fun to read. And speaking of reading, when we're not reading Substack Elizabeth and we're not listening to audiobooks from Libby, what are we reading? What are you reading or listening to?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I am reading Climbing in Heels by Elaine Goldsmith Thomas.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I am reading A Man Called Ova by Fredrik Backman. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Try these parenting hacks. Let us know if you tried them and if they worked for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thanks to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada. If you haven't subscribed to Lemonada Premium yet, now's the perfect time. Because guess what? You can listen completely ad free. Just tap that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or head to lemonadapremium.com to subscribe on any other app. That's lemonadap premium.com don't miss out.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And here's your rhyming reminder. If you like the show, tell others you know.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward, Elizabeth. I think think one of the best parenting hacks from our parents is the way they would always pay for us to be together when we were young adults. They would buy the plane ticket or the train ticket so that we could always see each other.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. That definitely made us see each other more than we would have.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. From the onward project.