← Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Ep. 551: Question Assumptions, College Drop-Off Hacks & Rebelling Against an Unappreciative Family
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A
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A
Lemonade.
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B
Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about strategies and ideas for living happier lives. This week I have a big announcement to make and we will also talk about why you should question your assumptions. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and something else that I will announce. I'm in New York City in my little home office and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. And Elizabeth, you already know what I'm going to announce.
- [02:21]
A
That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la. And yes, Gretch, I have been waiting for this. I'm sorry. So excited.
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B
So I have a brand new podcast. It's called the since youe Asked podcast. I am co hosting it with my old friend Lori Gottlieb. And if you don't know who Lori Gottlieb is, she is a psychotherapist and a blockbuster bestselling author. Most recently, she wrote maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. She also has a New York Times advice column. We were talking about. We were on the phone and we were talking about how we both love giving advice and we love helping people think about everyday dilemmas. And. And it occurred to us it would be super fun to team up. So in the Since Us podcast, of course, we take listener questions. That's the classic. But we also share advice that went wrong. We invite listeners to weigh in. We want to hear from listeners about what advice they might give where they think maybe we got it wrong. And we'll be talking about everything from family dynamics to dating to tricky friendships, decision making, just anything where people feel stuck. It's super fun.
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A
I'm so excited. Gretch, what is the first question? Do you know?
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B
Well, one of the really interesting questions for the first episode is basically about whose family are you responsible for? Right. This comes up a lot. It's a woman who's writing about, well, I make plans for my family, but my husband doesn't really do that for his family. Should I hold myself responsible for that? How should I think about it? We had a lot to say. So everybody follow since youe Asked wherever you get your podcasts so that you don't miss the first episode when it goes live. And I hope everybody will weigh in with their questions. If you want to send in questions or whatever, go to the since you asked podcast.com.
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A
Oh, my gosh, I cannot wait. And you know, I have been such a Lori Gottlieb fan for years.
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B
Yes.
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A
So I just cannot wait to listen to the two of you.
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B
Gretch, it's gonna be fun.
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A
And then the other thing, Gretchen, is we would be remiss if we did not congratulate Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, who, it must be said, got engaged in our hometown, Kansas City.
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B
Well, it's really funny how Kansas City now feels extremely proprietary about both Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce and this engagement. This is a Kansas City thing for sure.
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A
Yes. And Union Station, which is one of our huge landmarks, the day they got engaged, they lit it up with mint and orange for Taylor's new album, color and gold and red for the Chiefs. And we are all celebrating, not just in Kansas City, but I think, around the world. So very excited.
- [05:07]
B
Well, I'm happier in Hollywood. You guys talked about the vicarious enjoyment that That's a way to get happier, is just to enjoy somebody else's happiness. I think that's so true. But I have to say, Elizabeth, I think for our family, we also felt a special connection because our father had worked so hard to preserve Union Station. And now it's just this cynosure of attention, and it's like the fact that they lit it up in the colors is such a big deal. And so, anyway, I just have gotten just. The whole thing has just been extremely delightful for the whole world, but especially for Kansas Cityans.
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A
Yes.
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B
Okay, so let's jump in this week. Our try this at home suggestion is to question your assumptions.
- [05:45]
A
Yeah. So this came up last episode. In episode 550. We talked about the one big thing, which is, what is that one big thing in your life you need to tackle to be happier? And so part of what we talked about was questioning your assumptions. And we realized this is something that we could all do numerous times.
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B
Yeah. Because the problem with questioning an assumption is it's very hard to notice that we are making an assumption because the whole point of an assumption is that it's something that we just assume is true. It's so ingrained in our thinking that it can be very hard to step outside of a way that we're thinking and realize that there is an assumption to question. Or maybe something that we've just presumed to be true for so long maybe is no longer true. Or maybe it was never true. It was just something that we've assumed.
- [06:34]
A
Well, it's funny because it can go from like a totally mundane thing to a really big, profound thing. But even these little things can have a big impact on your general happiness.
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B
Well, no, that's so true. And here's a perfect example. So I have always assumed that I get really carsick when I read in the car, that I cannot read in the car because I will get carsick. And I don't ever even remember reading in the car and feeling really carsick or whatever. This was just something that I assumed about myself. But then we have this getaway place now, and so we're driving, and I thought, well, actually, let me try it. And this was the first time in years and years and years that I had tried to read in a car. Now, I don't think I could read for four hours in a car, but could I read for 40 minutes in a car? Could I go through the Economist magazine in the car? Absolutely, I can, without getting card sick. And this is wonderful because this is just this time, because I don't like driving. Jamie always drives out there, and so I'm sitting there and he's on a call or something, and I could be reading. So it's actually a pretty significant addition to my reading opportunity, which, of course, makes me very happy.
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A
Yes.
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B
Here's another thing. This also seems small, but ends up being much larger. When years ago, Eleanor needed to get glasses. She got glasses when she was very, very young. And at a certain point, I think when she was 11, I thought, okay, well, her eyes have stopped changing so much, so she can try having contact lenses. And I'm super nearsighted. And so I know from my own experience that if you are very nearsighted, you can see much better when you're wearing contact lenses. And Eleanor is nearsighted enough that part of it is just being able to change up your look. Sometimes it's more convenient to be in contacts, and then also you actually see better. But Eleanor just couldn't put them in. She just couldn't make herself do it. Like a lot of people, she just didn't like putting anything in her eye. And we struggled and struggled, and she just kept saying, like, I don't want to wear contacts. They're not for me. And I kept saying, like, really? I think you really want to give it a shot, because I think you're going to like wearing contacts. So I questioned my assumption that I knew the best way to put in contact lenses. I'd been doing it for so long, it just came so automatically to me. So I looked on YouTube, and sure enough, there was this eye doctor, and she had developed this other way for people to put in contact. And I mean, years ago, we've talked about it as a happiness hack, and we heard from so many listeners who were like, oh, this is a revelation. It's so much easier to put in contact lenses this way. And just recently also, it's like, people have new ways of teaching kids how to ride a bike. Sometimes there are things where things have improved since you tried to do it yourself. So question your assumption that there's no better way to do something that you're struggling with.
- [09:12]
A
Yes, I need to look at this, because I also have had problems with contacts.
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B
I thought you couldn't wear contacts because of a condition with your eye.
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A
Well, but, I mean, that was in fourth grade, Gretch. Things have changed. Contacts have changed.
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B
There you go.
- [09:27]
A
It's very possible that that is no longer even an issue. And I should ask my.
- [09:33]
B
You're so identified with your glasses now, but it's good to have options. It's good to have options. But also sometimes we have assumptions. Like this one where a friend of mine was having problems with her hearing and she resisted. And she said to me, well, I just assumed that a hearing aid would be really hard to use. My grandmother had really struggled with a hearing aid, so I thought it would be a huge pain. Plus, I thought it's just gonna make me look old. But now hearing aids are so much easier to use and they're so inconspicuous. And that now she is so delighted that she has hearing aids. And by the way, nothing makes you seem older than constantly asking people to repeat themselves. So in fact, it's like this is a win, win, win for her.
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A
Well, Gretchen, assumption I had for years was that I could not write a script on an iPad, that I had to have my computer. If I was writing that. It just. It wouldn't work. I couldn't figure it out. It wouldn't be conducive. And then I tried it and it's so easy now write on my iPad. And why is it easier to write on an iPad than a computer? I don't know. It just seems like less burdensome to carry it around and to charge it. It all just seems easier. Along the same lines, Sarah and I had this assumption that we would not like Google Docs. I've mentioned this many times. I think on Happier in Hollywood. I've probably talked about it here.
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B
Yes.
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A
And we had an assistant named Wafwa who just would not quit with Google Docs.
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B
She said she wouldn't give.
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A
No. She said, you are going to use Google Docs. The way you do things makes no sense. And eventually she got us to use Google Docs and now our whole life is Google Docs.
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B
Yeah.
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A
I cannot conceive of doing our job without Google Docs.
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B
Well, you know, maybe that is a good principle, which is that if people who know you well and know your style well, you keep insisting that there is an assumption that you should question. Well, maybe you should at least contemplate the notion that they might be right. I remember people kept saying to me, why are you using a Filofax? That is bananas. It's so much better to use a digital calendar. And I resisted and resisted because I love my Filofax and I still love a Filofax. But is a digital Calendar Much better? 100%, it's much better. But I was so slow because I was like, oh, I know better than all these other people who are very much like me, who have already made the switch and are now telling me that I should give it a shot. It's worth questioning that assumption.
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A
Yeah. One that I won't let go of is a lot of people assume they do not like listening to audiobooks. They just go, no, audiobooks aren't for me. And, you know, I question that assumption every day of the week. I am trying to convince somebody to try listening to audiobooks, and 99 times out of 100, they love audiobooks.
- [12:26]
B
Yes, you have converted many, many people to audiobook. Attest to that. Well, this reminds me of something like in my book Better Than before, where I talk about the 21 strategies of habit change. One of the strategies is loophole spotting. And a loophole is when we invoke something to give ourselves permission to let ourselves off the hook. So, oh, yes, of course I'm going to go to sleep before midnight every night, but not today, because there's a loophole. This doesn't count. I'm on vacation. I've been so good, I deserve a day off. There are 10 kinds of loopholes that we will use to justify letting ourselves off the hook. And of those 10 categories of loopholes, one of the categories, and a very popular category, is questionable assumptions. And this is when someone is letting themselves off the hook because they are making an assumption which, if you examine it, you're like, huh? Is that true? So one of the most popular is, this doesn't count. I'm in an airplane. This doesn't count. I'm on vacation. This doesn't count. It's like, question that assumption because you know what? Everything counts. Or my favorite questionable assumption is, I'm not going to do this now because it's going to be easier in the future. Everything's going to calm down in the new year or in the summer. I'll have a lot more time. And you know what I find out? It's never easier in the future. It's always just as hard. That's a questionable assumption.
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A
I used that with Sarah just yesterday. I'm like, I think this will be easier in a couple of weeks. And she's like, why do you think it will be easier? I'm like, oh, I guess it won't be.
- [13:57]
B
She's saying, let us question that assumption. And sometimes they're complicated ideas, like, this is taking too long. I should be done already. Sometimes people get really frustrated because they're like, why should we finish? Why should you be finished? This is hard. Or another one like, I can't start working until my office is clean or I can't write unless I have six hours clear. Okay. Is that right? No. Question that assumption.
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A
Another assumption some people have is that people should exercise by having fun by playing tennis or going skiing, not by exercising for the sake of exercising.
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B
Oh, I have a friend who is exactly like this. And she kept saying that to me even though she was having all this physical pain. And I finally said to her, even if that's true, which I question, you're not doing it. You're not playing tennis, you're not going swimming. And so now she does high intensity weight training. This is one where people will say, my instructor will be angry with me because I've missed so many times. Right? This is when the feelings kind of of guilt make you less likely to do it. We'll question the assumption. Usually an instructor would be very glad to have you back.
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A
This is something we said in 5:50. I should get through this without medication. Yes, maybe you should take medication.
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B
Yeah, well. And kind of along the same lines, people will say, well, I shouldn't have to pay for a gym or a trainer or a personal organizer or a financial advisor to help me. I should be able to do this on my own. But if you're not doing it on your own, you probably need help. And if you're an obliger, especially, of course, this is the four tendencies. If you're an obliger, having that accountability can be crucial. And so question the assumption that you should be able to do it on your own, because why should you be able to do it on your own? And if you're not doing it on your own, get some help.
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A
There's also, if I indulge now, I'll get it out of my system.
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B
Yes, I hear that a lot. Doesn't work like that. Here's one. People will notice what I'm doing and like think worse of me. Or I'm embarrassed because I can't do a good, you know, I'm not good at it or something like, I don't want to go to this exercise class because I'm going to be the worst in the class. There is something called the spotlight effect, which is that we assume that we're being observed, that we're in the, that we're in the spotlight and people are paying attention. But there's all kinds of hilarious research showing that people just aren't paying much attention to you. You are not in the spotlight nearly the degree you think you are.
- [16:11]
A
Yes, here's one that I am super guilty of Gretch if I worry about something, I'll ward off danger, which is a common superstition. I find myself doing this all the time. I know it's not true, and yet I indulge in my worry thinking it will help.
- [16:29]
B
Well, I think this is the thing is stopping questioning an assumption. Sometimes it can allow us to try something new, try a different way, or let go of something that isn't working for us. I'm so curious to hear what listeners will say if they've had assumptions that they've questioned, and what the results were. Let us know if you do try this at home, let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an email@podcastretchenrubin.com or as always, you can go to the show notes this is happiercast.com551 coming up, we have.
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A
Some great move in hacks, but first, this break.
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B
Foreign.
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A
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- [19:26]
B
Yes. And so as we were moving her in, I made a list to share with everybody so you can learn from our mistakes. So first is, well, Eleanor did do this, but I realized how wise it was, which is packing cubes. Elizabeth, you gave Eliza and Eleanor a set of packing cubes. And boy, both girls are major, major believers in packing cubes. But it was great when she was unpacking because she was like, oh, in this drawer, I'm gonna put my socks and my underwear. And she could just put the packing cubes in there quickly. And then when she had more time, she can organize them and everything, but it just meant that she could empty out the suitcases and the bags very quickly in a very organized way. It was very pleasing. Another thing is have your old ID handy. So Eleanor's ID had been sort of deactivated, and so she thought it wouldn't work again. But then it turned out that she actually did need it, and she had it with her, but she had to dig it out. And I just think you want to have your old ID handy. Bring a box cutter. Because we had to open up a lot of boxes and packages and things, and it would have just been really handy to have just stuck that in my backpack. This is just a really nice thing that last year, one of the roommates mothers did for the roommates, and I remembered it. This year, I didn't do it, but I suggested as a hack, which is she bought a mug for each of the roommates with their first initial on it. So there was like, E S and B. And so they each had a mug. And it just made a lovely, sweet. Yeah, it just made, like, a really kind of welcome thing. It was not a big thing. It was a useful thing. And then Eleanor brought it home. And actually, I love this mug, so I use it all the time. And she didn't take it back to school with her. And I was really glad because I use it all the time. It was very cute. It Was just cute to see it on the shelf, too. And a thing that often happens when you're moving your child in is that the roommates are there or friends are there. And should you go out to dinner, should you make plans? Which is obviously a lovely thing to do. But it gets complicated, I have found, because everybody's on a different schedule. It's kind of wild, and things are taking along. And what we found is that it was easier, rather than going out for a big meal, like, let's go to dinner together, which, okay, we have to commit to a time and we have to be dressed. And it was like, let's just go get ice cream. Or like, let's go get coffee. And it's also shorter, so you can go, you can have fun, you can linger. If you're having a great conversation or if you kind of want to get back to what you're doing, it just ends more naturally. And, I mean, I can't imagine that most college campuses don't have ice cream and coffee place. You don't have to make a reservation. It doesn't matter exactly how many people you are. When I said to Eleanor, I'm like, why don't we go get ice cream together? She was like, oh, yeah, that's just going to be a lot less complicated to figure out. And we did it, and it was super fun. And then my final thing is, and maybe this is just my experience, but it's. Don't hang around too long. Yes, it is hard, at least for Eleanor. I can see it in her eyes that she starts to have a very hard time bridging the old world and the new world and the world of friends and the world of family. So we moved her in. We got a quick tour of her new dorm situation. We said hello to the roommates, and I said to her, hey, I don't think we're gonna stay for lunch. And she was clearly so relieved to say, like, okay. And as it turned out, we left more like 1 o'. Clock. I think sometimes parents think, oh, well, I'll be here. And it'll give them support and help. At least in my observation, for a lot of kids, it's hard to be part of both worlds. And so read the room and be ready. If they start seeming kind of preoccupied and, like, ready to wave you goodbye. It's no reflection on their love for you. It's now they have to focus on their new situation. At least that's how we felt.
- [23:01]
A
Well, I remember, Gretch, you and I both love Rob Lowe's. Memoir. I think it's called Stories I Only tell My Friends and he talks about leaving his son at college and having forcing himself not to linger.
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B
He wrote so beautifully about the empty nest open door phase. It's kind of annoying when somebody who's really good at one thing is also good at writing, but it happens quite often. I'll put a link to that collection of essays in the show Notes and now for a four Tendencies tip. We got a question from a listener.
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A
Yes, who wants to remain anonymous. They say Help. I think I might have oblige your rebellion in my family and my marriage. My husband and I have two children who will be starting their first and second years away at college. Within a few weeks we'll have an empty nest or open doors, Gretchen prefers to call it.
- [23:50]
B
Yes, I do.
- [23:51]
A
We both work outside of the home. Although he's semi retired and working part time, I work full time. Over the years I have been the primary parent running the household, kids activities and appointments, school forms, vacations, etc. As my children have gotten older, I've gotten less and less interested in cooking dinner. Fortunately, my husband has been picking up the slack. In the last few years I've planned two extensive international vacations to destinations that each child selected. We enjoyed the trips, but each teen at various points had bouts of sulking. Normal, I know, but not fun to be around, especially when you've spent a lot of money on the trip. I'm a planner and for the most part enjoy it, but now I'm tired. My children are adults and my husband is clearly an adult, but they continue to turn to me for most things around the house and in their lives. I am not the cruise director anymore and I don't feel especially appreciated for the things I do or have done for them in the past. My husband and young adult children are good people and we are a loving family. But I'm done with all of them. I don't want to do any planning of any kind for anyone but myself. Help.
- [25:00]
B
Okay, I have so many thoughts. First of all, this exact thing happened to me with Eliza and Eleanor. Like I planned a big mother daughter trip and both of them were very sulky and they will have said to me in later years they've apologized and said hey, I know I was really sulky and so that does happen. But this is what I say. This listener thinks that she is in obliger rebellion and 100% that is exactly what it sounds like to me. If you do not know what we were talking about, you can take the quiz@gretchenrubin.com quiz you can read about Obliger rebellion. There's. This is when an Obliger meets, meets, meets expectation. And then suddenly they're like, I am done. I have had it. I am done with all of them. This is Obliger Rebellion. And it can just happen if you know what to look for. You can see it, the building anger and resentment and the feeling of not being appreciated, not being heard. But if you don't recognize what's happening, all of a sudden you'll just sort of be like, okay, I've had it, I'm done. I'm not gonna do it anymore. And it sounds like that is the stage where this listener is.
- [25:55]
A
But I also think there's a lot of things here where she legitimately just should be done. I mean, her family is at a point where she doesn't need to be figuring out their plane tickets and train tickets and what they need to pack.
- [26:11]
B
Yes.
- [26:11]
A
And all of that. I mean, she can just say, I no longer make your plans. Now that also might free her up if she does want to plan a trip.
- [26:22]
B
Yes.
- [26:23]
A
Or, you know, something where, you know, one person does really need to take the lead.
- [26:27]
B
Yes.
- [26:28]
A
Or if she wants to cook, she can. But it's like a lot of this is just that phase of your life is perhaps over.
- [26:37]
B
And that is the thing to remember, which is just don't do it. If you don't want to do that work, do not do that work. A lot of times people are doing work and they say to others, I don't want to be doing this. You should be doing this. Why aren't you helping? But they keep doing it. And a lot of times people are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they just don't. So the fact is you've got to stop doing it. Let yourself off the hook. Now, sometimes this is hard for obligers. Right. It's easy to say, we'll just stop doing those things. But sometimes Obligers feel immense pressure to do those things. So you have to think with an Obliger as how do you create outer accountability for the inner expectation of saying, like, I'm not going to do it anymore. So one thing that she can say to herself is, if I keep doing these things, even though I'm angry and resentful and don't want to do them anymore, I might really blow up. I might really kind of have an out of control response, which definitely happens with the Blade of Rebellion. And that is something to avoid. We want to avoid full scale obliger rebellion. Because once it starts, it can go on for a long time. It's sometimes out of control. There can be a lot of consequences to it. It's meant to protect an obliger from when expectations become just too overwhelming. But it's much better to ward it off or to keep it small. And so maybe say, like, I feel that I'm in it. So in order to be a good family member, that's the outer accountability. In order to be a good family member to my family, I need to stop doing these things and let them do it for themselves because otherwise I might just get too angry.
- [28:08]
A
Also, it's worth having a conversation because they very well might have not have a clue that you feel any of these things are a burden. Yes, they just assume you love cooking them dinner, you love organizing their lives, you love doing all this. So it's worth a conversation.
- [28:24]
B
Kind of. The more reliable you are, the more people take you for granted and don't even really maybe even notice that you're doing something. So, yeah, have a conversation about it for sure. But Elizabeth, you said something that I thought was really worth picking up on, which is maybe the trips are special. Family trips kind of have a special value because we really spend time together. There's a big experience that we're sharing. We're all focused on each other time, it feels slower and more rich. It's very memorable. And so maybe, yeah, you want to give up a lot of other tasks that are like buying the plane ticket to come home. For years I would make mom make my plane tickets because I just dislike making plane reservations for so long, which she did do. But at a certain point I started doing it again. But planning a big family trip, you might say, like, okay, I'm gonna let go of other things, but this I really do wanna do. And so in order so that I will have the time and the energy and the good cheer to do it, I'm gonna let go of these other things because these trips are sulkiness aside, they really can add to a happiness. Great question, excellent question. Okay, speaking of questions, I have a question for you, the listeners. I just want to hear from people to hear what is the sense of the community. And it is a project Empty Nest question, which is, what do you think is the basic amount of contact that a parent can require of a child in college, assuming that the child isn't in a situation that's particularly worrisome or they don't have a condition that really requires a lot of extra attention. I'm talking about like, like the ordinary kid in the ordinary situation, you know, not someone dealing with like a medical condition or something like that. What do you think that you can say to a kid, I really do expect this much from you. I'm very curious about what people will say in terms of what is the level and form of contact that I think is appropriate.
- [30:19]
A
Very curious, yes.
- [30:20]
B
And here's the wrinkle. We've talked before about how sometimes people will answer differently when they're answering for someone else than they would for themselves. So what do you think is the appropriate amount for your child to contact you and what do you think is the rule that should apply to all kids if you think it is different? I'm just throwing this out here. It's a question that comes up a lot from parents, which is how much do I expect? How much can I expect? And I'm really curious to hear what people say.
- [30:50]
A
All right, I can't wait. Coming up, Gretchen has a demerit related to dropping Eleanor off at college. But first, this break.
- [31:09]
B
I had such a wonderful time on my book tour for Secrets of Adulthood. This year I visited 15 cities without a single travel complication. When has that ever happened? I learned so much by road tripping across the country. First, I learned how grateful I am for the kind people who help others stow their carry on bags. Hoisting my bag over my head is my least favorite part of the travel process and I so appreciated the thoughtful people who helped me out. Also, I learned the importance of airline apps. It makes a huge difference to have the actual app for an airline on your phone. In fact, these days, perhaps it's not really possible to fly without having the airline app.
- [31:48]
A
Another app that's a must have while traveling Airbnb. Not only can you find amazing places to stay, you can also host your own space on Airbnb while you're away. It's just a smart thing to do. Bring in a little extra cash for yourself and open up a place for someone else to stop over on their cross country trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much@airbnb.com host let's talk about the Defender 110. It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer Gretch. I have a friend who's extremely adventurous and she loves her Defender 110. It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough. The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability. It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that give the Defender 110amodern edge.
- [32:41]
B
Yeah. It has 3D surround cameras with Clearsight Ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles in rough terrain. Clearsight Rear View offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window. Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler. Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey. Design your Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA.com Visit LandRoverUSA.com to learn more about the Defender 110. Explore the Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA dot.
- [33:17]
A
Com okay, Gretch, we are back with demerits and gold stars. You have a happiness demerit this week.
- [33:24]
B
Okay, this one, I knew it was coming. Everybody knew it was coming. Which is this kind of situation where it's a drop off, where it's like, okay, we have a 10am slot and we have to get in and like, okay, it makes me snippy. It's just very hard. I kind of snipe at Jamie. I like speak curtly to Eleanor in advance. I was like, okay, Gretchen, this brings out the worst in you. Get a hold of yourself. While it was happening, as I felt myself doing it, I sometimes was able to stop before, sometimes it was not before, but I tried to recover as fast as I could. I do think now this is so incorporated into everyone's understanding of, okay, this is the person she is, this is just her way that no one was surprised and it didn't cast a shadow over it. I do think that by giving myself this kind of demerit over the years, I really am doing a better job. So I want to give myself a demerit. But I also want to say I've come a long way.
- [34:16]
A
Good, good, good.
- [34:17]
B
And how about you? What is your gold star?
- [34:18]
A
Well, I am giving a gold star to Jack, my son, who's 15, just started 10th grade and he has been doing a very good job of getting up on his own. So in the past I've had to go in there or Adam's had to go in, you know, five times, practically drag him out of bed. But we had a talk with him and said, you're in 10th grade now, you need to get yourself up. So he has been setting his alarm and have I checked in and you know his progress in the morning? Yes. But I just pause outside of his door and say, jack, how are you doing? As opposed to going in and really engaging and having to literally drag him out of bed. So Gold star to Jack.
- [35:02]
B
So here's my question. Do you think it's a matter of maturity and now he can do it, or do you think he would have done it earlier but you just sort of never sat down and had the conversation saying like, hey buddy, this is no fun for us to do and so deal with it. Which do you think it is?
- [35:18]
A
I think it's a combination because we have had that conversation before and it hasn't worked. But at the same time we didn't hold a firm line. So had we held a line, likely in it would have worked. But I think it was easier this time. Cause he's ready.
- [35:35]
B
Yeah, he's ready. It's hard for kids. Getting up early is like their chronotype is that they're more night focused. So these early mornings are hard for kids. So well done, Jack. Gold star and the resource for this week. If you are trying to reset your habits after the kind of looser days of summer, there's a bingo card for that. It is the back to routine worksheet that can help. It's the Clear the next bingo card. It's sample routines for morning and evening and a habit tracker for a month. So if you want to set yourself up for a calmer, more productive fall, go to happiercast.com resources and what are we reading? Elizabeth, what are you reading?
- [36:10]
A
I am reading we might just make it after all, My Best Friendship with Kate Spade by Elise Ahrens.
- [36:17]
B
And I'm reading Marry him by Lori Gottlieb. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Question your assumptions. Let us know if you tried it. And what assumptions did you question?
- [36:31]
A
Thank you to our executive producer Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada. You can subscribe to Lemonada Premium by tapping the subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or go to lemonadapremium.com and here's your.
- [36:44]
B
Rhyming reminder, fan of the podcast. Review it fast.
- [36:48]
A
Oh, I like that one. Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Craft.
- [36:52]
B
And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward. What kind of alarm does Jack use? I know there's like all this new technology of alarms.
- [37:12]
A
Well, he uses his Alexa in his room, but I'm thinking he should also have an alarm clock across the room that has a very unpleasant sound because he can will himself to sleep through the Alexa if he wants to.
- [37:28]
B
Yeah, there's nothing like a blaring sound that's out of reach to get you out of bed from the onward project.
- [37:43]
A
Hi Gretchen Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle. Here we host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?
- [38:10]
B
Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever you get podcasts, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Keke Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.