Ep. 570: Very Special Episode: How Do We Deal with the Loss of Our Beloved Father? Advice & Insights

Summary

Podcast Summary: Happier with Gretchen Rubin

Episode 570: Very Special Episode—How Do We Deal with the Loss of Our Beloved Father? Advice & Insights
Release Date: January 21, 2026
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Craft

---

Episode Overview

In this profoundly personal episode, Gretchen Rubin and her sister/co-host Elizabeth Craft share their experiences navigating the recent loss of their father. They reflect on the process of grieving, the lessons and comforts discovered, and practical advice from their own journey, along with thoughtful insights and suggestions received from listeners. The tone is intimate, genuine, and emotionally open, offering practical considerations alongside stories and memorable sayings from their father’s life.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Comfort of Being Together

• [01:51–03:15]
  Elizabeth and Gretchen express deep gratitude that they and their mother were able to be present with their father in his final days.
  • "One thing that comforts us though is that we were all together with dad at the end." – Elizabeth ([02:35])
  • Remembering his last conversation, his last breath, and the solace this brings them.

2. Celebrating Their Father's Legacy

• [03:23–04:59]
  • Their father’s philosophies, often shared on the podcast, have resonated with many listeners—"Frequency is more important than duration" (meaning frequent, shorter visits with loved ones are more meaningful than rare, long ones); "Enjoy the process" was his signature advice.
    • "He really believed in the importance of exercise." – Gretchen ([03:30])
    • "Our favorite phrase from dad that we most associate with him is enjoy the process." – Elizabeth ([04:34])
  • Their ongoing comfort comes from holding onto these sayings and values.

3. A Holiday 'Miracle' and Family Obituary Writing

• [04:59–07:34]
  • Despite the busiest travel weekend (after Thanksgiving), both sisters managed to find flights and be with their father.
    • "It really mattered that we got those first flights out." – Elizabeth ([06:04])
  • Writing their father’s obituary together became an unexpectedly therapeutic process—serving both as a eulogy and collective tribute.
    • "It gave us respite at times from grief." – Gretchen ([07:07])
  • They included Raymond Carver’s poem "Late Fragment" in the obituary, which resonated deeply:
    • "And did you get what you wanted from this life? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth." – Gretchen ([08:33])

4. Processing the Loss

• [09:04–10:29]
  • Discussed how they confused Raymond Carver with Raymond Chandler, leading to a lighter moment amidst the pain.
  • Family traditions, poetry, and keepsakes help them stay connected.

5. The Nature of Grief and Practical Observations

• [14:11–18:40]
  • Grief unfolds unpredictably; giving themselves space to "just let it unfold" rather than rushing any part of the process.
    • "Just ride the wave." – Gretchen ([15:10])
  • Mind and body can react differently—one may seem fine while the other is in distress.
    • "Your body and mind may not run together." – Gretchen ([15:36])
  • Importance of stating personal boundaries and preferences—like preferring text to phone calls or not wanting to answer "how are you doing?" constantly.
    • "For her [mom], it's not helpful for us to say, how are you doing?" – Elizabeth ([16:16])
  • Don’t force yourself to handle keepsakes or memories before you’re ready; don’t make major decisions when grieving.
  • Profound, even surprising fatigue accompanies grief.
    • "The number one, quote unquote, symptom was just absolute exhaustion." – Elizabeth ([19:01])

6. Rituals and Social Support

• [19:12–23:26]
  • Noted tradition of sending white flowers (especially orchids) upon loss.
  • Some find comfort in sticking to routines and preplanned events; others do best by canceling.
    • "For me, it is more comforting to stick to a plan than to change it." – Gretchen ([20:56])
  • Communicating via email, text, or handwritten note—no 'right' way, all appreciated.

7. The Value of Preparation and Open Communication

• [23:26–24:39]
  • Their parents were proactive about discussing end-of-life wishes and scenarios, which alleviated stress and strife.
    • "We were all on the same page. This had all been discussed." – Gretchen ([24:11])
  • Advance conversations made difficult choices far easier in the moment.

8. Philosophical Reflections

• [24:48–25:00]
  • Gretchen notes, "Nobody is old. They just look that way," reflecting on vulnerability and the perception of aging during hospital days.

---

Listener Insights & Memorable Advice

9. Messages from Listeners

• [27:52–41:02]
  • The ‘And’ Principle: It’s possible to hold joy and sadness simultaneously.
    • "Seemingly contradictory feelings often coexist, especially in grief." – Listener Ann ([29:56])
    • Gretchen and Elizabeth both found this concept invaluable.
  • Love Beyond Words: Listeners reassured Gretchen and Elizabeth that deep bonds don’t require frequent verbal affirmation.
    • "Love doesn’t have to be spoken or displayed to be deeply felt." – Listener Dawn ([30:43])
  • Creative Memory-Keeping: Making a children’s board book or other creative mementos to honor their father’s memory.
    • "It was really cathartic... to preserve his memory for my young daughter." – Listener Amanda ([31:34])
  • The Pebble Analogy: Grief remains, but you learn to live with it.
    • "It never gets better, but it does get different. It’s like having a pebble in your shoe." – Listener Susan ([32:01])
  • The Importance of Gratitude: Recognizing they were lucky to have had such a wonderful father.
    • "I just continued to give thanks." – Listener Desi ([32:29])
  • Boundaries in Supporting Others: You can't take responsibility for another's happiness, even your own mother.
    • "Support her, sure, but also make sure I tended to my own grief." – Listener Lisa ([33:07])
  • Traditions for Remembrance: Celebrating a loved one’s birthday or favorite foods as a way to honor their memory.
    • "On your dad’s birthday every year, enjoy his favorite dessert." – Listener Deborah ([36:15])

10. Practical Tips for Grief

• [37:27–41:02]
  • Save condolence notes and voicemails for future comfort.
  • There is no "right" way to grieve—ignore advice that doesn’t serve you.
    • "Ignore bad advice, including any I give below." – Listener Katie ([37:36])
  • Consult professionals about post-loss logistics, especially financial matters.
  • Continue talking about your loved one, as it keeps their memory alive.
    • "Don’t stop talking about him for fear of making your mom, sister, grandkids sad. That’s how we keep memories alive." – Listener Lisa ([34:39])

11. Resources for Grieving

• [41:02–41:41]
  • Books: On Grief and Grieving, A Grief Observed
  • Podcasts: Anderson Cooper’s All There Is
  • Films: Dick Johnson is Dead

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On their father’s wisdom:
  "Frequency is more important than duration." – Gretchen ([04:04])
• On embracing the process of grief:
  "Just let it unfold. Don’t push. Just ride the wave." – Gretchen ([15:10])
• Poetry that resonates:
  "To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth." – Raymond Carver, quoted by Gretchen ([08:33])
• On exhaustion as a symptom of grief:
  "The number one symptom was just absolute exhaustion." – Elizabeth ([19:01])
• Grief as constant, but changing:
  "It never gets better, but it does get different. It’s like having a pebble in your shoe." – Listener Susan ([32:01])

---

Important Timestamps

• [01:51] Episode theme and being present with their father
• [03:15–04:59] Their father's life philosophies and repeated sayings
• [04:59–07:34] The ‘holiday miracle’ and the therapeutic process of obituary writing
• [08:33] Reading Carver’s “Late Fragment”
• [14:11–18:40] Embracing the unpredictability of grief, exhaustion, practical advice
• [20:56] Comfort in sticking to routines after loss
• [23:26–24:39] The relief found in open conversations about end-of-life wishes
• [29:56] Listener Ann’s wisdom on holding contradictory emotions
• [31:34–32:01] Creative ways to remember a loved one
• [32:01] The ‘pebble’ analogy for persistent grief
• [37:36] Practical checklist for managing memories and post-loss logistics
• [41:02] Recommended resources for coping with grief

---

Conclusion & Takeaways

The episode offers a nuanced look at grief, blending the deeply personal with universal advice. Gretchen and Elizabeth’s honesty in sharing their process—what comforts, what hurts, and what helps—serves as a roadmap for listeners navigating similar losses. The practical ideas and emotional check-ins from listeners reinforce that, while each person's grief journey is unique, there are many supportive paths and rituals. The core message: let your grief unfold in your own way, cherish memories, continue to talk about your loved one, use community support, and take your time.

---

For further discussion, advice, or to share resources, contact the show at podcast@​gretchenrubin.com or visit happiercast.com/570

Transcript

[A]

Happier is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, Monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive.

[B]

And save hundreds because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home and more. Plus you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[A]

Gretch as We dive into 2026 on the podcast, we know that so many of us want to focus on wellness and I love that. Whole Foods Market is basically a one stop shop for wellness. You can get great lean protein, you can find good vitamins, they have meal shortcuts if you're doing dry January. Whole Foods Market has great non alcoholic beer, wine and mocktails. Of course you have to be 21 in select states to get those, but it's all stuff you can get for a good price.

[B]

Yes, you can find examples of nourishing and cost friendly finds that will help you towards whatever your wellness goal is. And everything follows Whole Food Markets strict ingredient standards. Plus their 365 brand has delicious and wallet happy varieties of all kinds of foods that are ready to eat or whatever you're looking for. Shop all things wellness at Whole Foods Market.

[A]

Lemonade.

[B]

Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about how to be happier. Happier this week is an extra special special episode because we feel ready to talk about our father's death. We'll talk about what we experienced, observed and learned through our own experiences. And also we'll share some of the very helpful advice that we have received from others. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness and human nature. I'm in my little home office in New York City and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister Elizabeth Craft in and Elizabeth, it's hard to believe that it has been less than two months since we were all together with dad in Kansas City.

[A]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la. And yes, Gretch, one thing that comforts us though is that we were all together with dad at the end. Yes, and I just go back to that over and over how grateful I am that that is the case.

[B]

Yeah, we were there for his last conversation and his last breath. We were all right there. Before we jump in, thank you to everyone for all of the beautiful notes that you have sent. We so appreciate these words and it makes us so happy that people who never even met our father really, truly do seem to have a sense of how wonderful he actually was.

[A]

Yes. Well, we talked about him almost every week, so I think people really got to know him through us. And they know our mom as well.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have been so gratified by the fact that many people, when they wrote us, mentioned his sayings.

[B]

Yes. His wise saying. The one I think he would have enjoyed the most probably is people that said, like, oh, I've been sticking to my exercise better because I think of what your father always said, which is just put on your running shoes and let the door close behind you and it counts, or some version of that. And he really believed in the importance of exercise. So he would have been very gratified to know that he was contributing to other people's very healthy exercise habits.

[A]

Yes. Also people mentioned that he said frequency is more important than duration, which is something you and I really adopted in the last few years. That has helped us.

[B]

Yeah. And what he meant by that is that seeing each other frequently for a short time was better than saving up and waiting till we could be together for a week or something. And that really changed us, Elizabeth, in that we would embrace like a two or a three night visit to Kansas City or sometimes mom and dad would come to New York City or LA for a shorter visit. But more often. Cause a shorter visit is often just easier to plug into your life. And same thing with a phone call or whatever. Frequency is more important than duration.

[A]

Yes. And then of course, our favorite phrase from dad that we most associate with him is enjoy the process.

[B]

Yes. He has a mug that says enjoy the process. I don't remember if you got it for him or. I got it for him, Elizabeth. And he did. He was a guy who took such enjoyment in so many things and he would say, enjoy the process. Make sure that you're enjoying what's happening. Enjoy the process.

[A]

Yes. So, Gretchen, we mentioned that one thing giving us a lot of comfort is that we were all together at the end of his life. And we have to mention this holiday miracle, which is that mom called us on a Saturday night and it was the weekend after Thanksgiving. So Sunday after Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day, I think, of the year. And this year in particular, it was like one of the busiest days like ever in history in the United States.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And you and I both, the night before got tickets. First flight out nonstop to Kansas City that were on time. Mine was even early.

[B]

Yes. At the time I didn't even track the fact that it was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I was just like, you know, you and Elizabeth and I both talked about how it was hard for us to even, like, how do you buy a plane ticket? We were so rattled and worried once we got to the airport and then read about the travel later. It really was. It was extraordinary that we were there and we didn't have that long. So it really made a difference that we were there.

[A]

Yes, it mattered that we got those first flights out.

[B]

It really, really mattered. Something that turned out to be a very peaceful, reflective exercise. And we did this not knowing that was working on his obit. So our father didn't want a funeral. And so after he died, the three of us, you know, you and me and mom, spent several days writing and rewriting his obituary because we really wanted to pay tribute to him. Every aspect of his life and his personality really express our love for him. And when we started working on it, I don't think any of us really understood how this was going to be such a focus of our attention, how satisfying it would be to go through those memories. It also kind of gave us a respite at times from grief because we would get very caught up in the word choice. Our mother is a very strict editor, and it's like, this sounds like a cliche, or this is awkward, or, we need to clean this up, or what is a better word for that? I really feel lucky that this is the kind of thing that we all share so we could all participate in this and find it to be so satisfying. And I'm gonna do a little happier where I read the obituary, so I'll post a link to it in the show notes, and I'll also do a little happier on it.

[A]

Yeah, Gretchen, it really turned out to be more of a eulogy from us.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. And we all, in the days that followed, just kept rereading it and rereading it. I mean, I think I almost have it memorized.

[B]

Yes, well, but then there were things that we realized that we hadn't thought of or that we couldn't put in everything. So I have a running list of, like, all the things so we could do, like, volume two at a certain point, because there's things that you think of and you're like, oh, my gosh, how did I not mention the pinyon incense? That was like, his special job in the holidays, that he would burn it. But here's another thing, Elizabeth, that I think really strikes me from that time. So as we were writing the obituary, we wanted to Include a poem from Raymond Carver called Late Fragment. And it's a beautiful poem. So this is the last poem in Raymond Carver's last book that he published. He wrote it while he was dying of cancer. Cancer. It is also the inscription on his tombstone. And we felt that it was so appropriate for our father that we included it in the obituary. And this is how it goes. It's very short, Late Fragment. And did you get what you wanted from this life? Even so I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved. To feel myself beloved on the earth. And we just felt that that so captured how beloved our father was. And he knew he was beloved. He knew he was beloved.

[A]

Yes. That is one thing, is he knew how much we all loved him. I don't have any lingering feelings that he didn't know that or that something was left unsaid.

[B]

No.

[A]

And that is, again, a major comfort to me. And I love that poem.

[B]

I love that poem. But two things about Raymond Carver. So one of the things that we hadn't realized was that you and mom were thinking that Raymond Carver was Raymond Chandler.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And Raymond Chandler is famous for writing these noir mysteries set in Los Angeles.

[A]

Yes. And both mom and I just thought, well, how interesting that Raymond Chandler had this sort of dual identity. We both had that thought separately, but.

[B]

It never said it.

[A]

No. So.

[B]

So yes, it was days later. How did it come up? And I was like, I don't think that's who this is. Both of you are like, oh, no, he wrote these other books. I'm like, no, he didn't. So then, because this had sort of emerged as an issue, we go to look it up. And here's the other thing about Raymond Carver. I had absolutely forgotten that I included a Raymond Carver poem in my wedding.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Hummingbird, which is a beautiful poem. So to me, how did I forget that? Also, maybe that's why I knew that Raymond Carver wasn't Raymond Chandler. But the fact that his poetry played this role, both in a wedding in our family and for our father's death, it just underscored how perfect this choice was of a way to pay tribute to him.

[A]

Yes. And then you gave mom and me both a book of his poetry, which is really nice to have.

[B]

Yeah. And I got one for myself because I think it's a really nice keepsake.

[A]

All right, Gretch. Well, coming up, we are going to talk about how we're dealing with this time and also hear listener suggestions, which have been incredibly helpful. In case anyone doesn't know, I think we may have said this before, our dad ended up dying of an aortic valve infection, which we didn't know he had. He hadn't been feeling well for a couple of months and had been in the hospital a few times. We thought it was afib, which he did have, but that ultimately wasn't the real issue. It was this infection. So it was the kind of thing where we really had no idea it was coming until the end.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But luckily, because he hadn't been feeling well, we had been in Kansas City a lot, which I'm grateful for.

[B]

Yes, absolutely. Foreign.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help Gretchen It's a new year. You and I love to discuss what we want to have happen in the new year. My word of the year is X ray because I want to look within and figure out things I want to let go of or things I want to lean into. I definitely want to let go of worrying too much, being too anxious. A great way to do that is with therapy because a therapist has an objective view of what's going on.

[B]

Yes, and BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] GretchenRubin that's betterhelp.com GretchenRubin the new year is here and that means that a lot of us want to get back into a routine, but we really want to elevate our space. And a way to do that is with Wayfair. From bedding and mattresses to storage solutions for every room in the house, Wayfair is your one stop. We have this weekend house and I'm really trying to outfit the kitchen and I wanted acrylic tumblers because they're just safer than glass and so I bought a bunch of large Julisca acrylic tumblers and I love that Wayfair makes it possible to get exactly what I want for such a good price.

[A]

Wayfair's huge selection of home decor items makes it easy to find exactly what's right for you. Gretch I'm always surprised when I start a search on Wayfair. I find not just 1 but 5.

[B]

Of what I'm looking for Exactly.

[A]

Get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y-F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. It's time to take care of you. Who better to help you do that than the top voices and well being On Audible you can level up your parenting, career, finances, sleep, relationships or mindset. Gretchen, you know how much I love audiobooks. I am the biggest audiobook fan. Recently I listened to the book We Might Just Make It after all, my Best Friendship with Kate Spade by Elise Ahrens, which I found so inspiring in terms of building my career with Sarah. You know I love a book about business.

[B]

You can hear the latest from bestselling authors Brene Brown and Jay Shetty, Master Nutrition with chef Jamie Oliver, hear Nature Sleep Sounds from the Sleeping World or Get On Top of youf Finances with Rachel Rogers. Kickstart your well being journey with your first audiobook. Free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com Happier membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days, cancel anytime. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen. So Elizabeth, we've learned a lot about managing our grief and just riding this wave. And one of the things that I keep saying to myself is just let it unfold. Don't push myself or push you or mom to get anything done or expect anything of ourselves or have an anticipation of what's gonna come. Just let it unfold. Don't push. Just ride the wave.

[A]

Yes. Another thing is just knowing that we're still going to be in shock for months probably. I mean, I know just this morning I looked at this photo came up on my digital frame of dad holding an orchid. It's a great photo of him at the farmer's market.

[B]

It's one of the best pictures of him. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And I just, I looked at it and I said, how are you not here anymore? I just compute and that's okay.

[B]

This reminds me of something somebody told us that your body and mind may not run together. And I've had this where like my mind feels fine, but I have like this horrible sinking chill feeling in my stomach or I feel fine, but then in my mind I'm like having this feeling of like I can't grasp it or like what's going on or I'm looping. Like you and I have both been talking about how we're looping this, that, this, that, and so I think this idea that your body and your mind may not be experiencing that at the same time, it just kind of helps me understand what I'm experiencing. Sometimes there's this feeling of, like, things happening in different directions that it would be confusing. It was helpful for me that somebody pointed that out.

[A]

Yes. Another helpful thing is our mom, for instance, let us know. For her, it's not helpful for us to say, how are you doing? You know, like, in a really earnest way, we like knowing that she's speaking up and letting us know what works or doesn't work. And I would encourage everyone going through something like that to do that.

[B]

Well, you know, it's interesting. I kind of did something like this with my in laws. I'm super close to my in laws, but I said to them, I don't feel like talking on the phone. So I would send them email updates. I just. I don't even know why, but I just don't feel like talking on the phone. And they were like, that's fine. They didn't make me feel like, well, what does it mean that you don't want to get on the phone? Or whatever. They just were like, okay, fine. I was glad that I just said, you know what? I just, no, that's not working. And I think people feel that they know that they're not pushing you to do something that doesn't feel right. Related to the thing about, it's not helpful to be, you know, how are you? How are you? I do have an urge to be a happiness bully. I don't know if you've ever noticed that. Elizabeth, Eliza, Eleanor will often say, like, I will sometimes ask, do you want me to come at you with my happiness bully energy or not? And sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they say no. And I had to really say to myself, this is not the time for that. Absolutely. This is not something that can be fixed. This is not something to come at it with that kind of energy, which to me can feel comforting, but is not comforting to others. And I don't want to pressure you or mom or Eliza or Eleanor or whoever to do anything or feel a certain way. So that's something that I'm reminding myself of.

[A]

Yes. Or to, like, fix something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It just has to be like, let's get this going.

[B]

Like, it'd be great if you did this or did this or if I did this or if I did that. And it's just like. Or like, Elizabeth, you sent me. Well, this leads into one of our next thoughts, which was to keep Audio and video. Because you think, oh, my gosh, how it is. I don't have a lot of audio and video of this beloved person. But you sent me some voicemails that you had. Had saved, and I just couldn't listen to them right away. Yes. If I had been like, I have to listen to these and save these and make a file and burn a CD or something like that, it's like, no, you don't. You don't have to do any of that right now.

[A]

Yeah, no, I haven't really listened to them very much or looked at a lot of pictures either. It's just too painful right now. And this is something, Gretchen, that everyone talks about, which is don't make big decisions. Right. That, you know, I think applies to so many people who lose a loved one.

[B]

Right. You're just not in the right state of mind to have the perspective to make a big decision. I don't know about you, Elizabeth, but one thing that I've really experienced is just a very profound exhaustion, needing to sleep much more. When I take a nap, I sleep longer. I feel energetic throughout the day, but I just need so much more sleep, especially at the beginning. I don't know if you experienced that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That was what I would call the number one quote unquote symptom was just absolute exhaustion.

[B]

Oh, that's right. We did talk about that. Now I remember.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes. Right.

[A]

I didn't know that would sort of happen. I hadn't heard about that. But yes, just physical exhaustion. Yeah. Something we learn, Gretchen, that I don't think any of us knew, you, me, or mom, is that white flowers seem to be very associated with someone dying. You send white flowers?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Specifically, we got a lot of orchids, which was really nice because they last so long. So I have three orchids at home. Mom had gotten an absolutely gorgeous orchid. And you got orchids.

[B]

I got an orchid, yeah. And I did not know that about white flowers, so that's a really useful thing to know, Elizabeth. Here is something that I learned about myself that I feel like is a big insight into myself and dealing with this. And maybe this would be helpful to other people. And maybe it's because I'm an upholder. And so I really like sticking to a plan. But every year I have my annual children's literature holiday party, where all of the members come together, even the ones that are in different groups. And it's something that I do every year, and it's really fun. And it was on the calendar just a few days after I was returning from Kansas City and it was very, very thoughtful because a couple friends said, do you wanna postpone it? Do you want me to host instead of you? So it was really nice that they were being very thoughtful about it and Jamie was really saying, oh, come on, you don't wanna host something. Like, that's too much, you gotta figure something out. But then I realized about myself, for me, it is more comforting to stick to a plan than to change it. Like, I could do it. I mean, and this is a very low lift party because I've made it so that it's a low lift party. All these people are very well intentioned and they mean to be helpful and this could be helpful to another person. But for me, it is more comforting to stick to a plan. It's less stressful than to try to move it. So I thought that was good because I think that might be. It's kind of idiosyncratic and you might just think to yourself, oh, I need to move everything and make sense space. But maybe that would make you feel better or make things easier or maybe not. So just don't assume, because if you're a person like me and sticking to a schedule is comforting, that you might find that more comforting. And I did. And seeing a bunch of friends who were all super nice about it, several of whom had met our father, was actually really comforting.

[A]

Yeah, that's good to know about yourself. Meanwhile, I had a friend, Melissa, who lost her mom like two days after dad and she canceled her Christmas party. She just wrote everyone and said, not in the mood, not gonna happen. And that was totally fine too.

[B]

Right. Well, that's a great example of the fact that people are just different. One way that this comes up is in communication. Each of the styles has different pros and cons, because some people text you like they hear the news and they would text us. Some people would email and some people would write a handwritten note. And the thing is, they all kind of have pros and cons. An email is nice, but because it can be forwarded, our mother forwards a lot of emails to us and we enjoy seeing them. And of course you can print them out and they're easy to read because they're printed. A handwritten note is kind of more of a keepsake, so that's nice too. And so I think sometimes people are like, well, what's the right way? What's the best way? What's the most polite way? What's the most thoughtful way? And I just have to say, from being on the receiving end, we liked all the ways, and we didn't feel like one was the better one or the more considerate or the more loving one. Well, whatever works for you, because all of them have pros and cons, so it really didn't matter to us. Except that it was very meaningful to hear from people in one way or another.

[A]

Yeah, it really is.

[B]

And when the nice thing about an email or text is it happens right away. So. That was nice. Yeah, that was nice. Yeah.

[A]

One thing we both noticed, Gretchen, which we mentioned at the top of the show, is that we can't believe how recent Dad's death is. It feels like a whole lifetime has gone by and it hasn't even been two months. I can't imagine what it's gonna feel like in a year.

[B]

I know. Well, one thing that we've really talked about that I think will be very comforting is to have a lot of touch points of seeing each other, like getting them on the calendar early. So we know that we're gonna see each other. You're gonna go to Kansas City. We know that we will see each other. And that's because. Yeah. It just feels like, what is time?

[A]

I mean, it makes us feel anchored.

[B]

It makes us feel anchored. And we know that we're managing time, I guess. Yeah. But here's something, Elizabeth, where I feel like we were so, so fortunate. We as a family had talked through a lot of these issues many times over the years. Not just once, not just recently, but many times. We talked about different decisions that might arise. We had talked about different scenarios. Very frankly, our parents were absolutely driving these conversations. They had no trouble talking about it. So in those last days, it was so reassuring to all of us that we knew we were on the same page. This had all been discussed. Talking about in advance really made it so much easier. We knew what he wanted. He knew we knew what he wanted.

[A]

He was also able to say what he wanted. But even if he hadn't been, we would have known.

[B]

Yes. And when he said what he wanted, we were all, like, nodding our heads, saying, like, we know that's what you want. So we had that feeling of clarity and that. Anyway, I think a lot of people don't like to discuss these issues, and I feel really fortunate that really our parents drove these discussions, and it really did make a difference.

[A]

Yes. We were able to have zero strife.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Which, you know, would have made a difficult situation unbearable. So it was really nice that we all were on the same page.

[B]

Here's the secret of adulthood that occurred to me while we were in the hospital, which is nobody is old. They just look that way.

[A]

You said that to me and it gave me chills. It's so true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, Gretch. Coming up, we are going to hear some fantastic advice from our listeners. But first this break. So Gretch, Adam has been trying to cook more but you know, it's a new thing in our family, partly because Jack really wants to make sure he's getting enough to protein and Hungryroot makes it so much easier. It is the easiest way to eat healthy. Hungryroot basically works like a personal nutrition coach and a shopper in one by planning, recommending and shopping everything for you, which is so key because we don't want to spend a lot of time shopping. They take care of weekly meal planning, recommending healthy recipes tailored to your tastes and and your nutrition preferences and health goals.

[B]

Take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for Life. Go to hungryroot.com gretchenrubin and use code gretchenrubin that's hungryroot.com gretchenRubin code gretchenrubin to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

[A]

Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh. Quince has you covered with luxe essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing and building a wardrobe that lasts. Gretch I am wearing one of my favorite Quint sweaters right now, my jersey red Mongolian cashmere sweater. It has held up so well. I wear it all the time.

[B]

I have one in green that I wear all the time too. Quint's has all the staples covered from soft Mongolian cashmere sweater sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup. The ones we love to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear. Eleanor is going to head back to school and I cannot wait to give her a new cashmere sweater as well. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Don't wait. Go to Quince.com Gretchen for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Gretchen to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Gretchen are you a trailblazer, a.

[A]

Risk taker, someone with countless tales of epic adventure? Well, I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it. Even the boldest among us started small, daring themselves to reach greater goals each day. If you're looking to take on a challenge like that, the Defender is too. It's a vehicle built for those capable of great things. Whether you're charting new territory or just escaping the city for the weekend.

[B]

The Defender engineered to meet challenges head on so you can explore with confidence. An icon reimagined designed for a new generation of explorers. Choose from the Defender 90, 110 or 130, seating up to eight adventurers with a tough, tested exterior, a modern and functional interior, and intelligent tech like 3D surround cameras and the Pivi Pro infotainment system. Every journey feels limitless because like you, the Defender is capable of great things. Build your Defender [e-mail] Listeners, thank you for weighing in. We got so much valuable advice from you. We appreciate it so much and we're so glad that we have the opportunity to share it because we can all learn from each other. Yes, Ann wrote My dad died five years ago, my husband Paul three years ago, and my mom two and a half years ago. They were my favorite people in the whole world. My husband and I met when I was 18 and we had been married almost 30 years. I am currently 54 years old and here is what I have learned about grief so far that might be helpful to you, and I really hope and pray that it is. First, you have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and you can do this. There is no way around it, no way of avoiding the pain and feeling it is a way of dealing with it. Secondly, the little conjunction and is very helpful to me. I can be heartbroken and delighted to see family. I can be thrilled at our friend's promotion and so sad that Paul isn't here to celebrate with him. Seemingly contradictory feelings often coexist, especially in grief, and an acceptance of what is allows us to experience more of life in its mix of pain and joy. More Rainbow Days, as I call them. Can I just say this note from Ann came in pretty soon and we talked about this. We have returned to this idea many, many times, the three of us. It's a very helpful idea. I can be happy to see my granddaughters and heartbroken that we're not all together.

[A]

Yes, yes, it's been extremely helpful. We mention it to each other several times a week. Dawn said. I've been listening to the Happier and Happier in Hollywood podcast since they first began. One thing that has always stood out is how close you are with your Parents. So I was surprised to hear that, like, in my family, saying I love you isn't part of the routine. My family comes from South Dakota, and I hadn't known that this was a common Midwestern trait. Your reflections made me realize that love doesn't have to be spoken or displayed to be deeply felt. Thank you for that. I hope the cherished memories you hold bring you peace and comfort. This wasn't exactly advice, but I. It was so nice to hear that that resonated with somebody.

[B]

Yeah. I think I talked about in my Five Things newsletter how we just never said I love you or looked much, or we were just an undemonstrative Midwestern family, but that our feelings went too deep. We didn't need the words. And this note from Jasmine really made me smile. She wrote, I was really moved by what you wrote in your newsletter about your final days with your father. I wanted to send my condolences and one outsider memory. I attended your book tour stop in Kansas City and remember you pointing out your parents in the audience. I had a view of them from the side, especially your father, and recall noticing just how chuffed and proud he seemed to be in your audience. It seemed to me lovely then, so I thought I'd share it with you. Well, that was. He was the biggest cheerleader for both of us, Elizabeth.

[A]

He really was. I can absolutely picture him in that audience. I know the expression that she's referring to.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Amanda says. One thing I did when my dad died was create a children's board book about him for my little daughter using Shutterfly. It was really cathartic for me to put together something so simple that also felt sturdy, tangible, and timeless. To sum up my dad's life and preserve his memory for my young daughter might be something nice to do for future grandchildren, especially as you sort through photos and memories of your sweet dad.

[B]

That is a wonderful idea. I would love to create a board book. And it's that idea of using creativity as a way to really put together our memories. I love that. Susan wrote, it never gets better, but it does get different. It's like having a pebble in your shoe. At first, it's sharp and painful, but over time, you learn to walk without stepping directly on it, and you'll get a little callous, and it doesn't hurt so much, but you never get to take the pebble out of your shoe. Aw.

[A]

It's a good metaphor. Desi said, my mom died suddenly last year, and I just continued to thank God for giving me the mother I Had I just continued to give thanks. Not everyone gets to experience a mother's love or a father's love. I actually felt the presence of God more during that time than probably any other time in my life. It was actually quite remarkable. That is a great reminder, Gretchen. We are so lucky we had dad, and I mean, he was 87. He had a great life and we had a great dad, and we are so grateful.

[B]

And we lived in the sunshine of his love all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Lisa wrote, when my dad died, a therapist told me it wasn't my job to cheer my mom up or to be responsible for her happiness. Support her, sure, but also make sure I tended to my own grief. So that's a good reminder that we need to take care of ourselves in this time. Yeah.

[A]

Pam said, I went to a free grief group facilitated by hospice, where everyone, including the facilitator, had lost their partner. It was the best group I never wanted. Wanted to be a part of. I am still friends with five of them 14 years later.

[B]

Our father did go into hospice, and as it turned out, he was only there about eight or nine hours before he died. But we were so grateful to be there. The hospice nurses were so wonderful. We just can't say enough about how helpful they were and how comforting it was for us to have that last part of our father's life in a place where it was really set up for him to be absolutely as comfortable and as peaceful as possible.

[A]

Yes. Can't say enough good things about hospice. Sandra said, don't be afraid to reach out to friends in a couple of months when the attention dies down, people get busy. They are glad to be there, but will forget it's not personal. And then related to that, she said, Year 2 for widows is very hard. Be aware. So I think it's good to keep these things in mind.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I have also heard that year two can be much harder than year one.

[B]

I have heard that, too. I've heard that, too. Lisa said, talk about him. Embrace your new normal. I'm not able to get through silent night at church on Christmas eve. It's been 14 years. And now, after juggling the candle for the candlelight service, the hymnal and a Kleenex, it's actually comical. Just don't stop talking about him for fear of making your mom, sister, grandkids sad. That's how we keep memories alive. We do talk about him all the time, very easily, just very naturally. So that's good. I'm glad that that does feel like part of the New normal.

[A]

Yes. And I have heard that from many people grieving that they want to talk about their loved one. People might think, oh, I don't want to make you feel bad by talking about them. But actually people love, most people really love talking about it. The person Ann Elizabeth says things will hit you at unexpected times. When my mom died, it was the phone ringing. I knew it would never be her. After my mother in law and special aunt passed this year, it's the card aisle. I don't need any special cards anymore. Keep your memories close and let yourself feel the sad emotions too as they come.

[B]

You just don't know what's gonna cause it. It's so true. Cindy said, when in the future you have a question you wish you could get his input on, you already know what his reply would be. You know him so well. He's not physically here, but his essence is talk with him, laugh with him, and yes, cry. Lean into it, clean it out, then gather yourself up for a while longer. That is true. I have dad's voice in my head all the time.

[A]

Yes, absolutely. Deborah said, on your dad's birthday every year, enjoy his favorite dessert. It's a way to remember the beloved and brings a little needed cheer to the day. Well, it wasn't his birthday, Gretchen, but I was at the bakery the other day and they had a mini German chocolate cake which is absolutely the dessert we associate most with dad. That and fudge. And I bought it and I ate it.

[B]

But here's an idea. So our father's birthday often felt it always was around Thanksgiving and some years it would actually fall on Thanksgiving. So what I want to do going forward as a family tradition is to have Trader Joe's coffee ice cream. That was his go to common thing that he would get and so have a German chocolate cake or Trader Joe's coffee ice cream as part of Thanksgiving.

[A]

That is a great idea.

[B]

Yeah, that's a lovely idea. Erin has an interesting observation. She writes, losing a first degree relative will shift your identity. Not always, but usually. You might need to grieve your old self as well as your parents. Also your mom will be different from now and that might be hard. So that's interesting. That's an observation I had not heard.

[A]

I think that's really interesting and I've thought, well, we were such a tight foursome, but now we can be a tight threesome and that's another way to be.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Katie says, I always appreciate the actionable advice that the podcast has given me over the years. So I wanted to send advice that I found helpful after my mom passed away suddenly five years ago. So here's her advice. Ignore bad advice, including any I give below. People often give unsolicited advice about how to handle grief, and it is very different and personal for each person. The best advice I received was to take good care of yourself. It seems simple, but it is important to remember, especially if you are focused on dealing with family members or logistics. Next, save condolence cards and notes. It can be overwhelming to read when you first receive them, but you may find comfor for reading that reading them for years to come. Next, save voicemails to hear your loved one's voice. We mentioned that on an iPhone you can go to the message, click on the square with the up arrow and you can email the audio file to yourself to save in your files. Next, she says it's up to you and your family whether you want to observe key dates in my family, we choose not to acknowledge my mom's death anniversary, but we have a special dessert every year on my mom's birthday. She loved cookies and my dad made it clear he still wanted to celebrate their wedding anniversary. I send him a gift card for takeout and he enjoys a nice meal and looks through their wedding album every year. And a piece of practical advice Talk to a Financial Professional early on, I was surprised to learn that in some states you do not need to pay off the deceased person's credit card. This varies by situation and location, so it's helpful to talk to a professional.

[B]

Well, that's a lot of very practical advice and I loved it. Maybe this is a thing that people remember a birthday rather than the anniversary of someone's death. I think I remembered with John Kennedy that's what his family wanted to do was to remember his birthday. And then finally Sunny wrote, I'm a longtime fan of your show. I've been listening since 2017 and I wanted to write and say I am sorry for the loss of your father. It is so evident throughout the show how much you loved him. When I lost my mom three years ago, it was a very difficult time for me and I can imagine you might might be going through a period of grief as well. During my grieving period when I found it very difficult to feel happy or even get out of the house. Your podcast and voices would give me a gentle, cheerful distraction to remind me that life can continue despite tremendous loss. I wanted to thank you for lifting my spirits back then and as a listener I wanted to offer my support in return. Now, in case it is helpful. I have shared below some books, podcasts and films that helped me in grieving my mother and helped me get in touch with my emotions. 1. On grief and Grieving by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler Ross 2. All There Is Podcast by Anderson Cooper 3. Dick Johnson is Dead Film by Kirsten Johnson 4. A Grief Observed Essay Collection by C.S. lewis Happiness in grief is hard, but it Comes back well, Elizabeth, it's so lovely to think that our podcast has helped Sonny get through a hard time. That's so comforting to hear that. I have to say. A Grief Observed is an extraordinary book. I have read that, I think twice, but that's a great suggestion. I hadn't thought I should reread that now myself. I'll read it in a completely different way and then you're a big fan of Anderson Cooper. Have you listened to all there is?

[A]

I haven't listened to that, but I've heard him talk a lot about grief and he has a lot of insight and hearing from someone who has knowledge can be so helpful. Yes.

[B]

Well, thank you to everybody. All of these suggestions were so thought provoking, so helpful, so really useful to us. We have been learning so much and as we go through this, we've really, really appreciated everybody's kind and wise words. We are still learning and we probably will always be learning. So if you have any further suggestions or advice, if you have books or podcasts or movies that you found helpful, please let us know. I'm sure we will return to the subject. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. You can drop us an [e-mail] and the show notes for this episode [e-mail] 570 and Gretch.

[A]

I hope all these suggestions and insights from listeners help other people out there who are listening now who are, you know, grieving somebody. I'm sure there are many, many people out there in a similar situation.

[B]

Yes. And that is it for this episode of Happier. Thank you for allowing us to spend this episode reflecting on our wonderful father and giving us so many ideas about how to deal with this tremendous loss.

[A]

Thank you to our executive producer Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada.

[B]

If you like the show, tell others you know.

[A]

Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[B]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thank you for joining us. Onward and upward.

[A]

Did I tell you that in honor of dad, Sarah got sleigh bells and went around on Christmas ringing the sleigh bells and shouting ho ho ho.

[B]

Love that I have so many pictures of him wearing his Santa hat and holding those bells. Oh, that's so nice that she's picking up that tradition. We've got to do that too. I got my bells. I've got bells.

[A]

I need to get some.

[B]

From the Onward Project.

[A]

Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here. We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?

[B]

Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever you get podcasts, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships Keke Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.