Ep. 578: Do You Dread Giving a Toast? And You Probably Want the Same Snack

Summary

Podcast Summary: Happier with Gretchen Rubin – Ep. 578

Title: Do You Dread Giving a Toast? And You Probably Want the Same Snack
Date: March 18, 2026
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Craft

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Gretchen Rubin and her sister/cohost Elizabeth Craft take a deep dive into the art of proposing and delivering toasts—a common social stressor. They share practical do’s, don’ts, and personal tales about giving toasts, underscoring how a well-placed toast can elevate any gathering. The conversation then shifts to a surprisingly relatable happiness “hack” about snack choices and the science behind why we tend to overestimate our desire for variety. Throughout, the sisters highlight insights and feedback from their engaged audience.

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Main Segments and Discussion Points

1. Listener Updates and Whimsical Food Themes

[02:38–08:02]

• Determination Day Alternative:

  • Claire, a listener, finds February 28 a better time for resolutions due to Seasonal Affective Disorder, using the coming of spring as motivation.
  • Gretchen: “There’s no one right way, no tool fits every hand. But often there are ways to adapt a tool that works for other people to work for us...” (03:36)

• Grocery Shopping Whimsy:

  • Listener Missy describes shopping with 'silly themes' (like 90s snacks or colonial tavern fare).
  • Elizabeth: “Missy and her husband are clearly fun people… you want to invite over for game night.” (05:40)
  • Gretchen encourages listeners to send more theme ideas: “Let’s make a list…what are other funny themes you could do?” (05:52)

• Gift Card Story:

  • An anonymous listener shares a creative (and maybe passive-aggressive) effort to use a faraway specialty store gift card.
  • Elizabeth: “Your quest is more fun than a jaunt. Your quest to the specialty grocery store.” (07:58)

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2. The Try This at Home: Propose a Toast

[08:02–19:50]

Why Toasting Matters

• Elevating Occasions: Giving a toast is a simple way to mark occasions and add significance, even to informal gatherings.
  • Gretchen: “Giving a toast elevates an occasion. It sort of announces, this isn’t just an ordinary night.” (08:59)
  • Rule of Thumb: If you’re unsure if you should give a toast, you probably should.

Top Do’s for Toasting

• Practice:

  • Elizabeth: “Do practice. I am not a fan of the off the cuff toast, personally.” (09:47)
  • Gretchen: “You shouldn’t be reading it off your phone or off a piece of paper…practice it.” (09:57)

• Keep it Short:

  • Shorter is better—no one regrets a brief toast.

• Choose Your Style:

  • Elizabeth: “Decide if you’re going to be funny or earnest. Know your lane.” (10:45)

• Use a Quotation or Story:

  • Gretchen: “I will use a quotation…that elevates it, gives it some kind of heft.” (11:00)
  • Elizabeth: “It’s also great to use a key story…specificity is key.” (12:24)

• Go Early:

  • Less time to get nervous and less likely your material will overlap with others.
  • Coordinate with other speakers if possible.

• Use a Microphone:

  • Elizabeth: “Microphones are your friend. It means you don’t have to shout, everyone can actually hear you.” (14:24)

• End with a Toast:

  • Remember to conclude by inviting everyone to actually raise their glasses.

• Beta Blockers for Nerves:

  • Elizabeth: “If you’re really nervous…you can take a beta blocker…will block your voice from shaking…” (14:54)

Notable Quotes

• On Feeling Nervous:
  • Gretchen: “People in the United States were more afraid of public speaking than they were afraid of death.” (18:16)

Toasting Don’ts

• Don’t Wing It:
  • Off-the-cuff is rarely successful unless you’re truly skilled.
• Don’t Drink Beforehand:
  • Save the celebration for after your toast.
• Don’t Credit AI:
  • “Don’t say ChatGPT wrote it or helped you write it—for the love of God…” (17:00)
• Don’t Admit You’re Unprepared:
  • No one wants to hear “I’m not prepared.”
• Don’t Undermine Connections:
  • Avoid mentioning how little you know the person you’re toasting.
• Avoid Vulgar or Embarrassing Stories:
  • Only share if you’re 1000% sure it’s appropriate (and probably don’t anyway).

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3. Happiness Hack: You Probably Want the Same Snack

[23:17–25:14]

• Diversification Bias in Snacks:
  • People assume they’ll get bored of eating the same thing, so they choose variety—but actually, they gravitate to favorites.
  • Gretchen: “We think we like variety better than we actually do…In fact, we really prefer favorite experiences over and over rather than diversifying.” (23:20)
  • Elizabeth: “If I’m ordering protein shakes, I might order vanilla, thinking I should have a variety. But then, guess what? I never drink the vanilla. I always just get more chocolate.” (24:11)
  • Lesson: Don’t feel guilty about sticking with what you love when choosing snacks (or other small daily options).

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4. Four Tendencies Tip and Listener Question Roundup

[25:14–28:17]

• Alternative Accountability Strategies:

  • Listener Isabel shares a TikTok about using real consequences (like timing an assignment to beat an edible kicking in) as a way to self-motivate—an “out of the box” Rebel strategy.
  • Gretchen: “These are the accountability strategies that we can all benefit perhaps from. Most of all, obligers.” (26:28)

• Call for Accountability Advice:

  • Listener Julia asks for advice to find “real enough” accountability for bedtime, eating, and spending. Gretchen and Elizabeth invite all listeners to send their most creative strategies and reframes.

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5. Demerits & Gold Stars

[29:31–35:47]

Elizabeth’s Demerit

• Not Keeping Up With Reading Commitment:

  • Despite loving the Wolf Hall slow read, she’s fallen behind due to the weekly (vs. daily) schedule.
  • Elizabeth: “Something that can be done at any time is done in no time…I just don’t get it done, then I get out of the habit.” (30:33)

• Gretchen reflects on “The Natural Unit of One”:

  • People respond better to “one at a time” tasks (whether pretzel sizes or book chapters).

Gretchen’s Gold Star

• Rolling With a Snow Day Mishap:
  • During a NYC blizzard, her college roommates ended up stuck at her place for days. Nobody got stressed; they enjoyed snowy walks and “Narnia” scenery.
  • Gretchen: “Nobody was freaking out about the fact that they couldn’t get on the road. I just give them a gold star for just saying, okay, we’re just going to stay here. We’re all just going to have fun.” (34:48)

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Additional Highlights & Memorable Quotes

• On Elevating the Everyday:
  • Elizabeth: “Calling it something makes it feel more official.” (08:53, referencing naming Thanksgiving “Fiero Family Feast”)
• On Embracing Mishaps:
  • Gretchen: “One of my secrets of adulthood: mishaps often make the best memories.” (34:55)
• On Public Speaking Skills for Kids:
  • Elizabeth: “One thing I love about Jack’s school is he’s had to get up in front of people since kindergarten to public speak.” (36:43)
• On Aligning Life with Personal Nature:
  • Gretchen: “The more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I’m going through a period of major change.” (37:37)

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Key Timestamps

• [02:38] Listener feedback: Determination Day and grocery whimsy
• [08:02] Try This at Home: Propose a Toast
• [09:47] Do’s and don’ts for toasting
• [12:24/14:24/15:16] Toasting tips: stories, microphones, beta blockers
• [17:00] The perils of AI and unpreparedness in toasts
• [23:17] Happiness hack: Diversification bias in snacks
• [25:14] Four Tendencies tip: creative accountability
• [29:31] Demerit: Reading habit struggles
• [34:48] Gold Star: Making the best of a snowed-in visit

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Resources & Calls to Action

• Send listener tips: Fun food themes, toasting advice, creative accountability and reframing strategies (see [19:25] and [28:17]).
• Gretchen's free resource: “Getting Specific” worksheet to translate vague aims into concrete habits ([35:08])
• What Are We Reading:
  • Elizabeth: Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel
  • Gretchen: Train Dreams by Denis Johnson

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For more:

• Visit happiercast.com/578 for show notes and resources.

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Stay Happier—Onward and Upward!

Transcript

[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about how to be happier. This week we'll talk about why you should propose a toast and we will discuss many do's and don'ts about giving a good toast. Plus we'll talk about a hack probably making better snack choices. And we're not talking about making healthier snack choices, but more enjoyable snack choices. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits and human nature. I'm in my little home office in New York City and joining me today is my sister, Elizabeth Craft.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in LA and a lover of snacks.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, before we jump in, we are going to do an Ask Us Anything episode coming up for episode 580 we're going to we haven't done one of these in a while, so send us your questions about anything. Anything related to happiness, good habits, corgis living in New York City or Los Angeles. Anything. We will tackle anything.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, but first Gretch, we have some updates. Claire Said, I've just listened to your episode on Determination Day and wanted to say how useful this concept is for those of us who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or sad. This condition means that the low light levels in winter really SAP my energy, making January and February amongst the worst months to try starting new things. For some time now, I have used a sort of meteorological spring, March 1, as a sort of substitute New Year. At this time the days are rapidly growing lighter, the birds are singing and early flowers are starting to bloom. Which all feels very uplifting and positive to Determination Day fits perfectly into this rhythm. And I'm going to start using February 28th as a day to review what has passed and start thinking about what I would like 2026 to bring. I'm also making a list of 26 things I can do that will bring me more joy this year.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, what I really love about this is first of all, I love that she thinks the Determination Day is a useful idea because February 28th is the day to stay determined with your resolutions, because that's the day by which most people have abandoned their resolutions. But I also really like the fact that Claire figured out a way to make things work for her. Everybody talks about New Year's resolutions, but for her that's not a good time to do it because she feels like January and February are the hardest time for her to start something new. So she's figured out her own way. And I just think this is a great example of there's no one right way, no tool fits every hand. But often there are ways to adapt a tool that works for other people to work for us, or there's a way to figure out a way to achieve our own aims in our own way. So I just thought that this was a really pleasing way. I think the idea of tying it to the meteorological spring, it has all kinds of positive associations and yet it's also very practical. So I thought that was a great suggestion.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Me too. And then Gretch, Missy said, I'm soon coming to my one year anniversary of being a listener and I have to thank you for making my days brighter. I love your highly practical and fun ideas for improving daily life. So thank you. Thank you, missy. Episode 540 on Whimsy has stuck with me and I wanted to share one way My husband and I add whimsy to grocery shopping. Every so often we will shop according to a silly theme. For example, we recently did a 90s themed shop and bought foods that were all the rage in the 1990s. That meant things like Mint Milano cookies, Tara Chips and Pop Tarts. One time after both becoming interested in 18th century taverns so specific. I know. We bought things that felt like they could have been served at colonial pubs. Grainy mustard, red currant jelly. And we even found a cheese with old World in the name, which felt fitting. It's so silly and ridiculous, but also so fun. Scanning the aisles for things you typically wouldn't notice. And then getting to eat foods you rarely eat.

[Gretchen Rubin]

How fun is this?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I know. Missy and her husband are clearly fun people. Gretch, they're the people you want to invite over for game night.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. For sure. Or you wanna have 18th century tavern night dinner party with them.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So here's my challenge to listeners. Let's make a list. Clearly, part of it is decades. 70s food, 80s food, 90 foods, like tang. Anyway, that's super fun, so absolutely that. But what are other funny themes that you could do? Like maybe it's like things that are multiple colors, like Neapolitan ice cream. Or what's that peanut butter and jelly thing where it's like mixed in the. Does that even. Do they even make that anymore?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I don't know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What are some fun, whimsical ways of organizing meals? Maybe it's some ingredient. Like everything has to include. I don't know. When I lived in San Francisco after college, my roommates and I had a color feast, or a color banquet I think we called it. And everybody had to bring something based on its colorfulness. So it was this bizarre mixture of foods based on their colorfulness. And it was so memorable and so fun. So I think this is a great idea and I want to build it into a whole thing so people send us your suggestions. And then also I wonder how you. I guess you could just google it. Like, what are 90s, like, food associated with the 90s. I'm not good at remembering that kind of thing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But when she said Mint Milano cookies, I was like, bing, bing, bing. Those are so 90s.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think this is really fun. And I wish I had thought of this for Life in five senses. Cause it would have been a great exercise for taste.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then another funny response. This comes from somebody who wants to remain anonymous for reasons that will become clear. And you know, we had talked about using up gift cards, using up your coins, using up your gift cards. She writes, I'm terrible about spending gift cards. I stash them and often they never get used. A funny gift card incident is from Christmas this year. My mother in law gave me a grocery store gift card. But the grocery store is a specialty store and the nearest one is a couple hours away. I think it was given passive aggressively. She can be spiteful. So I put it on my 26 for 26 list because I'm determined to spend it. And I mean, the imaginativeness of doing this as a passive aggressive gift, I. I have to say, is pretty wild. So I love the idea. She's like, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go spend it. Love it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Your quest is more fun than a jaunt. Your quest to the specialty grocery store.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. You are gonna use up that gift card. So this week, our try this at home suggestion is to propose a toast.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. So often, Gretchen, we think of toast. We're thinking of toasting a couple. Right. Weddings are very common places for toasts. But also, you can just do a. We're glad that we're all here to elevate an occasion right now.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We've talked about this many times. Like, there's certain ways to elevate things. One way to elevate an object is to personalize it in some way, like put a monogram on it. Or we've talked about sometimes sending an invitation, like a digital invitation maybe to, like, family Thanksgiving dinner elevates it. I think you did that, Elizabeth, right when you were hosting Thanksgiving, you actually sent an invitation, even though it's like, well, the whole family knows they're coming or giving it a fun name.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, like with Thanksgiving, I called it Fiero Family Feast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Not an original name, but nonetheless, calling it something makes it feel more official.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It does. And it just elevates it. It just elevates it. And giving a toast elevates an occasion. It sort of announces, this isn't just an ordinary night. Somebody is gonna give a toast. And one of the things I would say is if you think at an occasion, if you're wondering, should I give a toast? Probably you should probably. It is fitting. Like, you know, I was talking about my Supreme Court reunion that I organized sort of at the last minute. I said to Jamie, do you think I should give a toast or do I, like, have to make remarks? And he's like, absolutely, you should give a toast. And then when the. When the time came, I thought, it feels like an occasion that would benefit from having a toast. So I was very glad that I had prepared one. So it's one of those things where if you're asking yourself if you should do it, you should probably do it. So what are some of our other do's, Elizabeth, would you say, for giving a good toast?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, do practice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Which means you have to have it planned out in Advance.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I am not a fan of the off the cuff toast. Personally.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No practice. And I think it's fine to have notes, but you should still practice it. You shouldn't be reading it off your phone or reading it off a piece of paper. You should do that thing where you're like, making eye contact with a group. You're just reminding yourself of what you're gonna say next. And you should also time it. And it should be shorter than you think, a few minutes long. No one is ever sorry that somebody finished their toast quickly. Say something, say it succinctly and practice it. So you can give it in a polished, complete way and probably cut it down quite a bit because you think, oh, my gosh, how can I? I have nothing to say. But it's like that old joke of, I'm sorry I wrote you such a long letter. I didn't have time to write a short one. It's weirdly sometimes easier to give a long toast than a shorter toast. Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then decide if you're gonna be funny or earnest. Know your lane. Now. Many toasts can be funny and earnest, but I think the point is, if you're not confident being funny, it's maybe not the best time to start trying out your material.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. I think sometimes people feel this pressure to, like, be funny and then it just doesn't land and then they're uncomfortable. I always have just decided I'm gonna be earnest. I'll try to be funny in my delivery or in kind of an aside look or something like that. I feel much more comfortable with earnest. And the thing that's nice about toasts is they usually are a really good opportunity to be earnest. Now, one thing that I do that really helps me when I have to give a toast is I will use a quotation. Like, I will often say, okay, what is a quotation? Because I have them running through my mind. That feels appropriate to me. That elevates it. It gives it some kind of heft, and it allows you to express something in a very beautiful way. And then you can build around it again with a Supreme Court toast. I was like, okay, what would I do for this toast? And as I always did, I thought, well, let me use a quotation. And I thought, well, maybe I should quote from, like the inscription on the Statue of Liberty or something. And what I ended up quoting from was the Supreme Court building itself because it has these two mottos on it. One side says justice, the guardian of liberty, and the other said, equal justice under law. And every day when we would go into the building, we would see these above our heads. So it felt extremely appropriate for this group. And then I sort of built it around those quotations. And so it's just very uncomfortable to have that blank page and be like, oh, I don't know where to start, other than like, she's the greatest sister of all time. It's a quotation, I think, is a way to get the ball rolling for yourself.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. And it's also great to use a key story that you can build on or just as an illustration. So again, rather than saying, oh, she's the best friend, you can say, you know, when we were in fifth grade, yes, this happened. And now today it's still happening, or whatever. You know, specificity is key.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. The more concrete, the better. Okay, so here is something that I have noticed. Try to go first or more than. If more than one person is giving a toast. Because if you're nervous, you have less time to be nervous. It's just like, get it over with. And also, one of the things that happens when several people are giving a toast is that often they will mention the same thing. And if you're going first or early, at least other people haven't already said the things that you have. Now, I think people who are very comfortable with giving toast could probably change their toast on the fly and just think, oh, I'm not going to mention this detail because two other people have already mentioned this detail. But if you're pretty nervous, you might not want to do that. You might want to stick to your script. And so going early just means that you don't have to worry about that as much. Now, if you. Ideally, I do think, especially if it's a really important occasion, you might want to coordinate with the other toasters and just say, like, hey, I was thinking about talking about xyz. What are you going to talk about? Because if two or three people. I've been in places where, like, three people have basically focused on one very small, specific thing about a person's nature, just thinking that it was kind of funny and idiosyncratic. But then if everybody's talking about this one little part, by the time you're the third person, you're. Yeah, I don't know. That's not always possible. I think maybe that's kind of unrealistic. I'm the kind of person who would run around and be like, well, what's in your toast? And I've already written my toast. And, you know, like. And then also if people are still interested in toast? By the time the last toasts happen, especially if people have not been practicing and have not been keeping themselves short and concise and to the point and specific and concrete, people might be getting bored of toast. So it's nice to go early when people are still really listening.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Also, if they have a microphone, use it. I think people are resistant to microphones, but microphones are your friend. It means you don't have to shout, everyone can act, actually hear you always use a microphone if possible.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I think people think that it seems kind of arrogant to use a microphone, but it's actually very considerate because otherwise people have to strain to hear you. Especially people like older people perhaps, or people who are in the ba, you know, far away from the front. And it's very annoying when people are giving toast and you can't clearly hear it. So use the microphone.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And two other things, Gretchen, don't drink before giving a toast. Also, Gretchen, if you're really nervous, but you have to do it, you're gonna, you know, the best man or the maid of honor, you can take a beta blocker which will block your voice from shaking and your hands from shaking, but will not in any way alter your mind. So do take a beta blocker.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You've used those and they were really helpful for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then I think it's actually nice. And I have to confess that I forget to do this. So this is a reminder to me at the end of your 3 minute toast or whatever to say like, so let's toast to Elizabeth and actually have people raise their glasses because there is something nice that let's toast. Because a lot of times you sort of. I just say it like it's a little speech. Right. But it actually is. If it is a toast, it's nice to say like, let's toast because that's what it's supposed to be.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then you don't have to say, that's it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. It gives you a natural conclusion. It's an end. Now, listen, I have to say, you're cursed with a reputation of being really good at giving toasts because everybody's always like, well, listen, she giving toast. She's so good at giving toasts. So I feel like you give a

[Elizabeth Craft]

lot of toasts, although I haven't lately because I'm out of Wedding Season of Life. The Wedding Season of Life. But I miss it. I love toasts.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, well, those are our do's. What are some of our do nots?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, I think I said it earlier. Don't speak off the cuff can be very dangerous unless you know you're so good at speaking off the cuff. I can only think of two people in my life who I think should speak off the cuff.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And here's another risk, which is you have something prepared but then you're up there in the moment and you decide to start riffing. Often that is not good.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The thing that you feel the impulse to say in the moment, unprepared, that just popped into your mind a lot of time is not your best material. If you prepared for something, be very cautious about at the last minute going rogue. And on that, don't drink until you've given your toast. Right. You might think it makes you more relaxed or less nervous, but it probably will make it actually harder to give the toast. So that's another reason to go early because then you can sit down and have your glass of wine and gretch,

[Elizabeth Craft]

don't say ChatGPT wrote it or helped you write it for no, for the love of God, because that's going to make everyone feel like you're dialing it in. Even if you did use ChatGPT, certainly

[Gretchen Rubin]

don't admit it and then it's not interesting. It could be the most brilliant sonnet in the world. Nobody cares. And along the same lines, don't say, oh, I'm not prepared. Nobody wants you to do something if you're not prepared. That's not welcome information. They don't let you off the hook because you're like, oh, I haven't prepared. Prepared anything. So prepare. Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Do not say you don't know someone. Like often if there's a couple and you only know one of the people, don't say, well, I just met Gary last week but he seems so great for Sandy. Just don't mention that you don't know Gary well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. It's feel very undermining. Yes. And you know, don't tell vulgar or embarrassing stories unless you are 1000% confident that it is appropriate for the occasion and then probably don't do it anyway. It's just a lot of people end up regretting things or there ends up being some big kerfuffle, you know, when you're getting to your feet to make a toast, it's probably not the time for those stories to be told.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Especially when there's multiple generations present.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, the thing about making a toast is it is very uncomfortable for a lot of people. I think in one piece of research and said that people in the United States were more afraid of public speaking than they were afraid of death. Yes. So many, many people really, really dread public speaking. But it is something like you say that sometimes is sort of expected of us. This is tied to the idea of raising your hand for a toast. You literally are raising your hand and you're rising to your feet and getting comfortable with stepping forward when appropriate. It is a really lovely thing to do. People really do appreciate it. It is really nice to be able to talk about your feelings for other people. And so it is something that's worth doing and it will make you happier in the end. And so you want to do it in a way that's really gonna make you feel as comfortable going into it and afterward as possible. Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And the more you do it, the easier it is. Like all things.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Like all things. And it does elevate occasions. Like, this is making me feel like the 4th of July we're all planning to get together. I want to give like a Fourth of July toast. It's family, but it does feel like more of an event. It's like part of what you can do to elevate an occasion.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. So let us know if you do try this at home and how proposing a toast has worked for you. Do you have any dos or don'ts that you would add? This is something that a lot of people do and that a lot of people stress about. So the more advice we can get, the better. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an [e-mail] or as always, you can go to the show notes. This is happiercast.com 578.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Coming up, we've got a happiness hack related to snacking. But first, this break. This episode is sponsored by Better Help March includes International Women's Day, which always makes me think about the women who quietly hold so much together. Think about all the moms who somehow manage to work, take care of their family and everyone's emotions with this steady presence that really shapes people's well being. They often carry the invisible load. The planning, the caretaking, the remembering, and that can get heavy. Therapy can be a space to put some of that down, to set boundaries and focus on your own well being for a change.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay Gretch, we are back with this week's Happiness Hack.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, the research comes up using the example of snacking, but I think that there's a lot of ways to think about this research and it's very funny. So what research shows is that we think we like variety better than we actually do. This is called the diversification bias. People tend to overestimate how much they like variety. Let's say you're choosing snacks for a whole week, right? So you're choosing not just for now or tomorrow, but for the future. When people are doing that, they will pick a variety because they think, oh, of course I would like a variety. But people overestimate their enjoyment of variety. In fact, we really prefer favorite experiences over and over rather than diversifying. And so you think, oh, I'll want a variety of snacks because otherwise I'll just get bored with my choices. But actually, they just want their favorite over and over.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, Gretch, this applies to me. Like, for instance, if I'm ordering protein shakes, I like the chocolate ones the best. But if I'm ordering some, I might order vanilla, thinking I should have a variety. But then, guess what? I never drink the vanilla. I always just get more chocolate.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You just want the chocolate? Well, and you turned me on to Icebreakers, which are those sugar free? Well, they're mints, even if they're not mint flavored. And so I made this classic mistake. I was like, oh, I should try all these flavors. There's sparkling pineapple, mango seltzer. That is an actual flavor. There's fruit and cool strawberry and fruit and cool watermelon and mixed berry sour and all these ones. And then I'm like, I like the cinnamon ones. I always want the cinnamon ones. Now, of course, it's good sometimes to try new things because maybe you'll find something that you like better. But when you know the options, like you've tried chocolate and you've tried vanilla, and you know you like the chocolate ones better than vanilla.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Don't think, oh, but maybe I'll get sick of chocolate. Probably that's the diversification bias. Probably you'll just want to have your favorite.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. And I bet this comes up in a lot of contexts where people think they want variety, but they really don't.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. And now for a Four Tendencies tip. So our listener Isabel sent this note. Hi, Gretchen. Elizabeth. I had a funny story of telling people about the four tendencies. I saw this TikTok video and I'll include the link in the show notes and laughed so much about her alternative way of getting stuff done on time. Her way taking an edible and needing to finish an assignment before it hits or face real consequences. Seems like a rebel move if I've ever seen one. I commented about the Four Tendencies and got over a thousand likes in a few days. I've attached the screenshot so you can have a laugh as well. And indeed, the TikTok video is somebody saying, arbitrary self imposed deadlines don't work for me. So guess who Just took an edible and needs to complete this assignment in the next 30 minutes or face real consequences. And. And it's this woman giving herself a thumbs up. And then the funny thing is, somebody said in the comments, sometimes I don't let myself pee until I finish a task. Helps me actually get it done. So I just thought these were two strategies I had not considered. I thought they were very out of the box and funny.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, we think we've heard it all, Gretch, but there's always another way to give yourself accountability.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. And if you have no idea what we're talking about with rebels and accountability, go to GretchenRubin.com,/quiz. Take the Four Tendencies Quiz. But these are the accountability strategies that we can all benefit perhaps from. Most of all, obligers. But I love seeing that I laughed out loud.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, Gretchen, next we have a question for listeners.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, so this is a question that Julia posed, but I'm putting out a call for everybody to comment. And this is also tied to the creative out of the box accountability strategies we just discussed. Julia says, I am reaching out to request your help with my obliger tendency. I have worked to create outside accountability for my exercise routine, but when it comes to things like bedtime, eating healthy consistently, and spending, it feels like I really need those outside limits to say no. But all outside limits seem fake or not real enough to hold me accountable. Do you have suggestions to create concrete accountability for areas like eating, bedtime, and finances? Listeners, what do you suggest? We want to do a big accountability roundup. What works for you? What are your super creative ways? Are there mantras that you tell yourself? How have you created accountability for yourself for things like eating, bedtime, and finances? We are going to do a big, big roundup. We want to hear everything that works for listeners.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Love all the accountability suggestions. I would also add, Gretch, this could be a place where reframing would help, which isn't accountability, but just saying to Julie, try reframing like seeing bedtime, as you always say, like a luxury rather than an obligation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. Yeah. So we love reframing, too. So send in any kind of reframing that you like. The reframing of sirens. It's not that someone's in terrible danger, it's help is on the way. Yeah. So reframing accountability strategies. Send them to us.

[Elizabeth Craft]

All right, Gretch. Coming up, I give myself a reading demerit. But first, this break.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, Elizabeth, it's time for demerits and gold stars. And we're in episode 578. That is an even numbered episode. And that means that it is your turn to talk about a demerit.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. So, Gretchen, this is a reading demerit listeners ask all the time. How do you read so much? Seems like you're always reading and both of us do read a lot of stories, especially you. But Gretch, I have not been keeping up with my Wolf hall reading. So I'm doing the slow read of Wolf hall, the trilogy this year with Simon Hazel's footnotes and tangents. And I am like three weeks behind on Wolf Hall. So I'm just hoping that by stating it out loud, it'll get me to go and dive in and catch up and then I can be on track.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, so here's my question. As I recall, because as a family, we did the slow read of War and Peace last year. You didn't fall behind with War and Peace that I remember. Was there something that was different about last year than this year that you can put your finger on?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think I did better with the War and Peace being one chapter a day, every day, one chapter. Whereas the Wolf hall assignments are weekly. So it's that thing of something that can be done at any time is done in no time. Like, I knew every day I had to get to War and Peace, whereas Wolf Hall, I'm like, oh, I'll read it tomorrow. Oh, I'll read it on the plane. Oh, I know I'll take it to bed with me tonight. And I just don't get it done, then I get out of the habit. And when you're out of the habit, it's not front of mind. Then it slips from my mind, and I'll go three days ago. Oh, my gosh. Wolf Hall. So I need to double down because it is fantastic. Of course.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, the thing about doing it one chapter a day is, like, if you weren't doing it, you could catch up very easily because the chapters were so short. Like, even if you missed a whole week, there is something about doing something every day. And this is my thing about. Strangely, sometimes it's easier to do something every day than to do it some days or most days. And I think this is a good example of sometimes it is easier to do something every day. Also, there's something called the natural unit of one. And I don't know if this is a good example of it, but at least it's adjacent. Okay, so this is research showing that people will naturally take one. And they did this hilarious research with, you know those big, oversized pretzels.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That you can get. That are, like, as big as your hand. So they had this apartment building, and they had the pretzels out, and they said, please take one, and people took a pretzel with these giant pretzels, and then they had the pretzels cut in half. And the sign said, please take one, and people took a half, and then they set a sign saying, please take one when they were cut into quarters, and people took a quarter because people will take one. And so they've shown if you're, like, eating a cookie, it could be a third as big, and people will be like, I will eat a cookie. But if the cookie is a gigantic cookie, people are like, that is a cookie. And so I think there's something like, I'm gonna read a chapter a day that feels like that is one. And there's something about that is one. I am doing one that feels very natural. And like, I'm reading one. I'm reading one. Whereas, like, okay, read pages 75 through 110 by seven days from now, it just doesn't click into your brain as easily.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Exactly. Maybe what I should do is read the whole week's worth of reading on, like, the first day that it's so that I have a schedule, and then

[Gretchen Rubin]

it's like, one reading.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. So maybe that'll.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We'll try that and report back and see if that works more easily. Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

First I have to catch up. Then I can try that. All right, Gretch, what is your Gold star this week.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, this is a very funny gold star. So, you know, we had this blizzard in New York City recently. We had a lot of snow. And then everybody thought, okay, the snow is kind of over. And then it was like even a bigger snow, a blizzard. And even the Metropolitan Museum closed. And I don't think that the Metropolitan Museum, I couldn't remember that it had closed since COVID though maybe it had. But anyway, school was canceled and trains were canceled. So the fun thing was that two of my college roommates had been planning to come spend the night with me. One was in New Jersey visiting her in laws. And so our other roommate, who needed to do archival research, timed it so that we could all be together for a night. And they were staying with me. And, you know, this is so fun, the three of us together. But then because of the snow, one of my roommates ended up having to stay two nights and one of my roommates ended up having to stay three nights. And the thing that was so fun was nobody got stressed about it. It was like, okay, well, all the trains are canceled. I guess we're here. And they borrowed my heavy weather gear and we went through a really long walk through Central park with like thick snow fall and like snow everywhere. We were like, it's like Narnia, but like good Narnia, right? Not the eternal winter, but like beautiful Narnia. It was so beautiful. And it had that snow day quality where everything was sort of suspended. The city was so quiet, you couldn't go anywhere or do anything. And like, for us, it sort of worked out that nobody was freaking out about the fact that they couldn't get on the road. I just give them a gold star for just saying, okay, we're just going to stay here. We're just going to roll with it. We're all just going to have fun. And we did. And it was delightful.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. And I bet you'll remember it more than you would have remembered any other visit because it has such a surreal, special quality.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's one of my secrets of adulthood. Mishaps often make the best memories. And this thing like, my train is fine. My train is still going. My train is still going. Nope, my train is canceled.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. That level of unexpectedness will make it very memorable.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So the resource for this week, I have just released a free how to guide called Getting Specific. It is a printable worksheet to help you take a vague aim, like exercise more and turn it into a very concrete, manageable action. Because when something is concrete and manageable, we're much more likely to follow through with it. Like, I'll walk for 20 minutes after lunch. Because then you know exactly what you're expecting of yourself. You write the habit, you answer a few prompts, and you get very specific about what you're actually going to do. So if you would like to get that, it'[e-mail] resources and what are we reading? Elizabeth, I think I know what you're reading.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, I am reading Wolf hall by Hilary Mantel.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I am reading Train Dreams by Denis Johnson. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Propose a toast, let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada. If you haven't subscribed to Lemonada Press Premium yet, now is the perfect time. Just tap that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or head to lemonadapremium.com to subscribe on any other app.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And here's your rhyming reminder. Love what you hear, tell a peer. Well, that's got kind of a Wolf hall feel to it, Eliza.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It does. Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward,

[Elizabeth Craft]

Gretch. One thing I love about Jack's school is that he has had to get up in front of people since kindergarten to public speak. So they really drill into that every single year. And I'm so glad.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So does he feel pretty comfortable, like, standing and speaking in front of a group?

[Elizabeth Craft]

He does. Shockingly so.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's such a great thing to feel comfortable about that it makes so many situations less anxiety producing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. Hi Gretchen. Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here. We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude? Restorative solitude? Or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever you get podcasts, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Keke Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.