← Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Ep. 592: Reflect on “Halfway Day,” Plus How Abstainers Can Moderate
00:39:25
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- [00:02]
A
Lemonade. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little CA cash back Progressive
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A
You can focus on exercise, nutrition, all the things you're supposed to do for your health, but if you are not sleeping well, it is very hard to
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B
feel refreshed, especially when you wake up overheated in the middle of the night. That completely affects my sleep, which is why I Love the Chillipad 2.0 by Sleep Me. It is a water based mattress topper that controls your sleep temperature and works with your existing mattress. And if one person sleeps hot and the other sleeps cold, and that's Adam and me, each side can have its own temperature setting, which is amazing.
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A
Yeah, and I also love that it automatically starts when you get into bed so it feels seamless. Visit www.slee Sleep Me Gretchen to get up to $255 off your Chilipad 2.0 with code Gretchen. This special offer is available for happier listeners and only for a limited time. Order it today with free shipping and try it out for 30 days. You can return it for free if you don't like it with their sleep trial. Visit www.sleep s l e e p.me Gretchen and see why cold sleep is your ultimate ally in performance and recovery. Foreign. Welcome to Happier a podcast where we talk about strategies and solutions for living happier lives. This week we'll talk about why you should use Halfway Day as a moment to reflect and perhaps adjust your aims. And we will talk about how abstainers can sometimes be moderate if they want to. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits and human nature. I I'm in my hot little summer home office in New York City and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, the sage Elizabeth Craft. And Elizabeth, I love talking about Halfway Day with you. It's so fun to hear how you're coming along with your aims.
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B
That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and Producer living in la. And yeah, Gretch, I think I'm doing better than I usually do on my aims for 2026.
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A
I feel like you're really doing great this year. Maybe you'll light a fire under me, as they say. But before we jump in, we have couple updates.
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B
Yes, an said, I was just listening to you and your sister talk about your dad. I lost my husband in 2002 and my dad in 2008. Two very important men in my life. Very different relationships. Of course I'm listening to you talk about your dad and the things you recall. But I'm hearing those comments from a widow's point of view and hoping you understand that your mother's grief is so very different from yours. You mentioned it being the six month mark and how now it feels real. In my experience as a widow, the first year I was in a fog, although I didn't recognize it as that. Not till the second year began did I realize this is going to be my life from now on. I guess what I'm saying is please don't expect your mother to be at the same point that you two are. You lost your dad, she lost her life partner, her better half, her anchor.
- [03:54]
A
Well, this is a great point and many, many people have talked about the second year. Yes, this is something that we've heard from many people. I guess the lesson is never think that you're done or that it's behind you or that it's not gonna continue to change. That's another thing that people say is that grief is unpredictable. It can happen in waves, it can happen when you least expect it. And it's absolutely true that everyone's having their own experience. I thought there was a lot of food for thought in what Ann said.
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B
Yes, thank you, Anne.
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A
And then Amanda said this, and I love this because this is about the five senses. She said, I was thinking of you in the five senses recently when I got a package in the mail with a big roll of bubble wrap protecting the glass measuring cup inside. It was the sort with big bubbles about an inch and a half across and I started to pop it so it would fit better in the trash. As I popped it with my hands, I had a sudden memory of stepping on poppy paper as a kid. My mom always laid it out for us to walk and stomp all over. When some came in the mail, I put it on the floor and started to step on it in my sock feet and the sensation of it popping underfoot was such a memory. It made the memory of those Times feel so much more real with the sensation under my feet again. I giggled and stepped on every last bubble. Even calling it poppy paper again made me grin. Another childhood memory a week earlier came again from the soles of my feet. We had a long rainstorm and I walked out in my bare feet after the rain had stopped and walked in the puddles on the driveway on my way to check the mail. The feel of warm air, humidity with freshly evaporating rain and the smell of the rain always take me back. But the sensation of warm, rough, wet concrete underfoot made it more vivid than ever before. It has been years since I walked barefoot through puddles in the driveway. The slight splashing of the warm, shallow puddles around my toes was a huge hit of nostalgia. Touch has been an underused sense for me, but it has been unlocking memories in a new and amazing way lately. I love this. Who does not love poppy paper? I will call it poppy paper from now on. I love touch. I absolutely agree. I think for many people the sense of touch is underappreciated. I love the use of touch to connect with the past as well as to the present moment. It's so beautiful.
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B
Yes. And both of what she's remembering both of those things. I remember stepping on poppy paper and also being barefoot after a rain and warm puddles on the feet. So I really went back in my mind with this letter too.
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A
Yeah. And on this subject of neglected sense, if you wanna learn about your neglected sense, you can go to my website gretchenrubina.com and look for the quizzes. And there's a quiz. What's your most neglected sense? Whatever it is that you wanna do to be happier, your senses can help. So I loved. I loved. I loved that letter.
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B
Me too.
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A
One more thing coming up. We are coming up to our episode 600 which Elizabeth, this is bonkers. How did we get here? Yes, every 10th episode is a very special episode. But every hundredth epis is an even more very special episode. So what we'd like to do is highlight listeners responses about what has stuck with you the most of the things that we've talked about. What have you put to use? What has resonated with you? What have you found most useful? You know, we can all learn from each other and I think it's interesting for people to know what has worked most for others. Maybe you'll try something if you hear that a lot of people do it or it'll just hit you in a different way. Elizabeth, A lot of times I just don't think we can predict what people are gonna really vibe with.
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B
Yes. It can be a small thing like look behind you before you get out of a booth at a restaurant people
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A
mention all the time or something big
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B
like raise your hand and volunteer to be the one in charge, you know?
- [07:42]
A
Yeah. So let us know@podcastretchenrubin.com we will feature those in episode 600. And now for this week's try this at home. And it is to get ready for halfway day. So halfway day is July 2nd. That is when we are halfway through the year. If you are listening to this episode, when it drops, Halfway day will be coming up for you next week. But look, even if you listen to this later, it's always a good time to stop and reflect. So there's no magic. It's just something that can be done at any time. It's often done at no time. So halfway day is a good reminder to reflect. But if you missed July 2, don't feel like you missed it altogether. Just do it whenever. What's really important is the moment of reviewing your aims, thinking about what you want to do differently, what you want to do better. Maybe you want to cross something off the list. I've done that in the past. So satisfying.
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B
Yeah. Gretchen, what we find is that we forget items on the list. So by reviewing it, you just remember, oh, I completely forgot. I wanted to take a flower arranging class. Let me look that up.
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A
I can get myself all worked up about like a lather of intensity about how much I want something and then I will just walk away and never think of it again. It's astonishing. Well, let's not go through everyone. Let's just do. Because that would take long. We have 26 items each. Let's do some hits and bombs. That's the happier in Hollywood language. That's what you and Sarah do every week is hits and bombs.
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B
Yes.
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A
What are some of your hits?
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B
Well, hits for me would be gold bracelet. One of my items was get a gold bracelet. I have like no bracelets. I now have two. I got one that's sort of a hard bangle. And then my sister in law for my birthday gave me a beautiful gold bracelet. So now I have two. So I feel very set on my gold bracelets.
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A
Good.
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B
Now one of my items is to paint my fingernails twice a color. I've done it once.
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A
Okay.
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B
And it was super fun and satisfying. So maybe I'll end up doing that many times, but I've at least done one of the two.
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A
Well, and you're on Track, because you've done one before halfway day, so now you can do one after halfway day, so you're on track.
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B
Also, Gretch, on my list is to go to two Live Talk LA events. That's an organization in LA that hosts events. You've done Live Talk la?
- [09:59]
A
Yes. Great organization. They have great stuff.
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B
So I've gone to one. I went to see Lena Dunham, which was fantastic for her book Fame Sick, which if you have not read, I highly recommend. And then keeping on going with my Freyman Canyon, Gretch, I have on the list to do Freiman once a week. I've been doing it at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. And that just continues to be one of my favorite things in the world to do.
- [10:25]
A
Okay, so those are your hits. Those are some big hits. Almost every year, Elizabeth, you have something that you want to just buy, and I like that because I can just do that. Sometimes it takes a very long time to get around to it. But then. Bombs. What are a few of your bombs?
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B
Well, Gretch, my biggest bomb is the Wolf hall slow read. So last year, we all did the slow read of War and Peace with Simon Hazel's footnotes and tangents and loved it so much. And I have been wanting to read Wolf hall for years. I've started it a couple times. I started the slow read this year, and I was really into it, but I just fell off. And it got to the point where it's too late to catch up. It would no longer be a slow read. I would be trying to race through it to catch up. So I had to just let that go this year. I'm gonna do it next year.
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A
Okay. So a quick question about Wolf hall now. Wilf hall is really part of a trilogy by Hilary Mantel. Is this a slow read of all three or just. I know that Simon Hazel loves Hilary Mantel.
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B
Yes.
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A
So this was all three? This was to read all three, yes. Well, I remember one thing that was idiosyncratically perfect about War and Peace is it really did end up being a chapter a day. And there was sort of an aesthetic pleasure of it being just a chapter. Yeah. Do you think that it mattered to you that it was more like pages or something like that for Wolfhall? Because Wolf hall doesn't fall so neatly into a year long read that way.
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B
Yes. It was chapters, I think, or sections, I think also it started on January 1st, which was just, like, so soon after dad died, I think.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Oh, that's. I don't know. I just was so topsy turvy and upside down that I think I just didn't get into the groove.
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A
The thing about War and Peace is, since you were doing it, I was doing it, our father was doing it, our mother was doing it for the second time. She's now doing it for the third time. We were talking about War and Peace the way people talk about celebrity gossip. So I think there was that feeling of like it was top of mind because it just came up a lot in family conversation.
- [12:31]
B
And I was doing this more on my own, so. But I do wanna do it. I absolutely love doing the slow reads. I get so much out of it, so I will do it. And then also, Gretchen, I don't know if this is a bomb per se, but I had on my list that I want to think about dad while I make scrambled eggs for Jack every day. Because, you know, dad made scrambled eggs every single day. It's something I associate with him so closely.
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A
Scrambled eggs, Swedish pancakes and fudge are the three things that dad could really cook.
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B
Yes. Although he cooked a lot more later in life. He did, but I stopped making Jack scrambled eggs because he on eating them and I think I burnt out on making them. Unlike Dad, I don't want to make scrambled eggs every day for years on end. So, of course I think about dad all the time, but I am not necessarily thinking about him making scrambled eggs every morning because I'm not making the scrambled eggs.
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A
Right, right.
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B
But in general, Gretch, I think I'm doing better than usual. I think I'm on track to really tackle many of my items. So I'm very pleased with myself.
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A
And do you think that's because over time you've gotten better at setting the right aims, or do you think it's just this cluster of aims is the kind of thing, or maybe you're more realistic about what you could actually do.
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B
I think probably I have gotten a better idea of what I will do and what's realistic. So, yes, I think it's not just that I suddenly have risen up and tackled all these things. I think part of it is I've set myself a list that is manageable. And by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting items on your list that aren't manageable that are pie in the sky, because, again, there are no rules.
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A
Yes, I agree. I will say, though, that I sometimes I think people put things on that are really fantasy self things that they really don't have any intention of doing. That it's really just what other people think you should do. So you put it on there. Like, I've talked to people, and they'll say, well, I'm going to start exercising. My kids and my wife are after me to start exercising, so I'm going to start exercising in the new year. And I'm like, doesn't sound that way to me, buddy. You're not talking like the kind of person who's really got a plan. So I think that there is the art of understanding why something is on the list. And what is the meaning of the fact that you have put something on your list. Yes, because you're right. It's good to be aspirational, but you don't want to be just pretending, right? Yeah.
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B
Now, how about you, Gretch? What are some hits and bombs from your 26 for 26. Listen.
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A
Well, a major hit for me was the high school reunion with a small group of my friends. And we do this every couple of years. And you know, Elizabeth, this is the classic thing. I don't know about you, but there's so many things in life that when I've actually done it, I'm like, that actually wasn't so much work. I don't understand why this felt like such a big deal. So many things. If you just do one thing after the other and don't get yourself freaked out, it's not that hard. Anyway, for us, I would say the thing about this reunion is it was really committing to the date. As we say, scheduling is life. And once we've said, this is the date, everything else fell into place pretty quickly. I would just offer that to other people that are trying to do something. Start with the date. Because once you have the date, I think that is the most important thing. Even more important than the place.
- [15:50]
B
Well. And you know what happens, Gretch? I think what happens is people don't want to set a date too far in the future. It's like, oh, we don't want to wait five months for this. We'll want to do it sooner, but then they don't do it sooner, and then life gets in the way, and then suddenly you're past where that five months would have been and just starting the whole process over. So I would say, don't be afraid to put that date far in the future.
- [16:16]
A
And I'll just say, in case it's useful for other people, we've really landed on late April, and late April seems to be a good time. It's not the holidays. It's not High summer. It's not graduation season because it seems like people always are dealing with graduations.
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B
It's after. After spring break.
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A
Yeah, it's after spring break. And so if you're thinking about something like this, I would say to you, if you have flexibility, begin by looking at the second two weeks of April. I have just found that to be really good. Another hit that I have that I've really enjoyed was it's move 26 and 26. We're trying to move more. So I go to the Met, and when I'm in the Met, I just wander around. I just do whatever I feel like. I look at this, I look at that. I wander, I daydream. I just do whatever I want to do. But now for 10 minutes at the end, I just walk very purposely through the Met. Now, I'm not speed walking because that would be very annoying to people who are at the Met. It's not the vibe. You're not doing mall walking in the Met, But I'm walking purposely. Like, here I am in the American wing, and now I'm going to the Egyptian wing. So I'm just going to walk there. That kind of walking. So I'm getting this extra 10 minutes of walking in. And I love the feeling at the Met of feeling like. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but there are places that feel. It all feels like it's been occupied by me. And if I don't go to a place for a while and I feel like this way, like in my own apartment, if there's a room that I don't go into, it starts feeling stale or like it's floating away or it's underserved or it hasn't been incorporated into the whole. I can't really find the right metaphor, but it's like I want to walk through every part of the Met, every room, fairly regularly. So I feel like I encompass it all like that my fingers are all the way through the dough. But it's hard because the Met is really big. And sometimes there's a new exhibit, like the Raphael exhibit. I've been there, like, I don't know how many times. I just go there and then. So I'm not walking through some mezzanine on the American wing because I'm in the Raphael part. So this habit is good because it makes me. I'm like, oh, I'll walk all the way through all the Japanese rooms or whatever. So I really like that. And I get the 10 minutes of walking and it's just A different way to be in the Met. So I'm really enjoying that.
- [18:22]
B
It's funny, Gretchen, because saying you feel like if you haven't been to a room in your house, it's, you know, floating away. I can remember such a distinct sensation of going into the living room of our house on Stratford, because we never used the living room.
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A
We weren't supposed to use it. It was supposed to keep it nice. So we weren't supposed to go in there and mess it up.
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B
I can still sort of feel the atmosphere. Fear crackling in that room, of it just feeling like it was its own sacred space. Because sometimes I would go play records in the back.
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A
Yeah, well, that sounds very pleasant. So maybe in a way, it can feel pleasant that there's something undiscovered or untapped or special, but I often feel like things feel underappreciated. I don't know. So that's good. I am halfway through my ticket, 26, which is. I want to buy 26 tickets to things. So I have about 13 tickets, but I need to keep it up.
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B
That is a big one, Gretch. That's an undertaking.
- [19:18]
A
It's not as bad as I thought. It's wonderful. It's as good as I thought. They often cluster, too, which is interesting. I'll have a week where I have two things.
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B
Do you have a favorite thing so far that you've seen?
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A
Somebody sent me a ticket to the Whitney Biennale party. If I'm pronouncing that right, that was very glamorous. You know, it was at the Whitney. It was tons of people. People were dressed in a very interesting way. We saw the art. So that was really great.
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B
That sounds great.
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A
That was one favorites. And then one of my aims is to drop or delegate eight things, and that's because eight is two plus six. And I have been doing that. And it is very powerful to drop or delegate something, so. And then you have more time for all the other things on the list. So I have been really searching to find things to drop or delegate. So I'll report at the end of the year what all I found. But I think it's a really good exercise for everyone to do because we can get in the habit of doing things that either don't need to be done at all or that we don't need to do. I remember when. I don't even know how old Eliza was, but she has an amazing pediatrician. So wise. And we were just chatting, and I said something like, oh, it's so annoying to make Eliza's orthodontist appointments. And the doctor said to me, well, why isn't Eliza making her own orthodontist appointments? And I was like, that is an excellent question. And I went home and I was like, okay, you take this on. And it was such a relief.
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B
That's great.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And how about bombs? Gretchen?
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A
Okay, well, one of my bombs. This is so easy. It's so important. I completely embrace this value. But, Elizabeth, as we said, I just 100% forgot that I meant to do this. I have not been rating or reviewing books and podcasts. I just forgot. I forgot that I was supposed to do that.
- [21:11]
B
So a reminder to all of us to rate and review books and podcasts.
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A
Yeah. Because it really does. We really do help the writer or the podcaster. We love that. We love that. And I know that perfectly well.
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B
Yes.
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A
And I love praising things that I love. I love shining a spotlight on work that I enjoy and trying to help other people find it. I just literally forgot.
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B
This is also an example of don't let perfect be the enemy of good. I think a lot of people wanna write, like, the greatest review.
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A
Yes.
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B
And then they just don't end up writing one. Cause it feels like too much work. You can just say, love, this. Helps my commute, or whatever.
- [21:46]
A
Right. I think that's a great point. Right. You want to say something really witty or insightful or perfectly summarize it or something. I find it very hard to describe things. Like, somebody says, what is this book about? I'm always like, just take my word for it. Read it. I find that very taxing. But you're right. I should not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And then, Elizabeth, this is one. I want to do this. And I know once I start, I'm not going to want to stop. And that is watching the TV show Girls.
- [22:15]
B
Mm. Yeah. You gotta do it.
- [22:17]
A
Do you think I should read Fame Sick first and then read Girls? Or do you think I should watch Girls and then read Fame Sick?
- [22:22]
B
I think watch first, because then when you read the book, all of these things she said make sense. Because you've seen the show.
- [22:30]
A
Okay. Cause I have the book and I'm dying to read it, but okay, I'll wait and watch the show.
- [22:34]
B
Or start at least.
- [22:35]
A
Okay, that's good. And then there were some things that both of us did, Elizabeth. We both did. No. Spend February seems like a long time ago now. I know.
- [22:44]
B
It really does. But, Gretch, we still on the bombs. We still need to plan a reading retreat. For this year we do something we love so much and yet we have not planned it well.
- [22:55]
A
We were hoping that we could tie it to a trip that I was going to make to Los Angeles, but I don't know. We're going to have to manufacture a trip or find a way. Yeah, well, let us know if you do try this at home and how reflecting on the midpoint day of halfway day works for you. What have you learned? What have you tried? Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an email@podcastretchenrubin.com or as always, you can go to the show notes this is happiercast.com592 coming up, we've got
- [23:22]
B
a happiness hack from our listener Marley. But first, this break.
- [23:35]
A
We recently had one of those projects where a room just was not working the way we wanted it to. The space felt unfinished. I kept up putting off finding the right piece because I assumed it would either be too expensive or take forever to find. Then I checked Wayfair and was surprised by the selection and the prices. We found exactly what we wanted and once it arrived, the whole room came together and felt more polished and functional.
- [23:59]
B
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- [24:37]
A
we got our Skylight calendar, keeping track of family schedules felt like a full time job. There were text, sticky notes, things on different calendars, and somehow someone still doesn't know where they're supposed to be. What I love about Skylight is that everything is in one place. It syncs with Google Calendar, Apple Calendar, Outlook and more so everyone can see what is happening at a glance.
- [25:00]
B
And it's not just about schedules. The Tasks feature helps kids build routines and independence whether it's homework, chores, or brushing their teeth. You can even assign colors to different family members, manage grocery lists, and finally eliminate the excuse of nobody told me families are better when they're working together. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com happier go to myskylight.com happier for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's my sister K-Y-L-I G-H-T.com happier I'm
- [25:41]
A
always looking for easy ways to get more protein into my day, especially when I am super busy running from one thing to the next. That's why I've been reaching for David protein bars. What impresses me is that they don't make the usual trade off between protein, calories and sugar. My current favorites are blueberry pie and peanut butter chocolate chunk. They really feel like a treat.
- [26:05]
B
David's gold line packs 28 grams of protein into just 150 calories with 0 grams of sugar. The texture is soft and doughy with little chunks and crisps that make it feel much more satisfying than a typical protein bar. And now David is available at Walmart stores nationwide and on Walmart.com where you can try a single bar for just $2.97. Don't take our word for it, go grab one for yourself. Head to Walmart today to try a bar or stock up on four counts of your favorite flavors like blueberry pie and salted peanut butter sold exclusively at Walmart. Check out Walmart.com to find a store near you and now we have a
- [26:47]
A
happiness hack from Marley.
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B
Yeah, she says I want to share with you a hack that reminds me of a few that you shared on the pod. Giving something a Name I have decided to name the days of the week to help them feel more manageable as well as whimsical. The challenge with this is that something that can be done at any time often happens at no time. Life often gets busy without me noticing and we get very little downtime or time at home. I have decided to be more strategic about this. Wednesday is a good day for us to have downtime between busy Monday and a full Thursday as it is coming into winter in Australia. I have decided to call it Warm Wednesday. It is a day for warm drinks, slow morning, staying home and being cozy, reading books, sharing poetry, working on our fiction, writing and connecting with each other. I want one day of low expectations in order to protect my Wednesday. I've decided that the day before will become Chore Tuesday in which we complete errands and pressing housework. On Wednesday I will say no to any spontaneous demands. This one day will not get filled with tasks done for other people. Friday is another open day, so this will be Family Friday, another day of connection and low demands, but more focused on spontaneous outings, play and perhaps a family movie. The busiest days of the week will become manic Monday and things Thursday to accept and lean into the fact that these are the high demand days. The weekend is open but could be something Saturday and soothing Sunday. I acknowledge that they often have events and are flexible days. I feel better about knowing that Wednesday and Friday will be mostly just for us. I feel better about our rhythm in general, knowing that I have some guidance for each day and will stop being swept along by the task. And to dos. Naming things really does make them feel more official, easier to stick to and feel like an event rather than a vague intention that might or might not happen.
- [28:48]
A
I love this. I think I wrote about this at Happier and home because there's bake on Monday, watch on Tuesdays. It's just a classic approach and I love this idea of capturing what you want the essence of the day to be. And then it does. It feels like it's more of an event. It feels more real, it feels more purposeful. I love the alliteration. I love this approach.
- [29:09]
B
Yeah. And I think you can get people on board when you name something like, oh well, we're going to the zoo because it's Family Friday. That's something we would do on Family Friday. And then people are like, oh well, it is Family Friday. Okay.
- [29:21]
A
Yeah, I think that's great. And it also helps you make time for everything. It's like we want time to slow down and we want time to run around. And this way you don't fall into a habit of just running around all the time because you haven't set aside the slow days. This way you make sure that you have a little bit of everything that you want in whatever portion you want. So I thought that was a great idea.
- [29:40]
B
Yes.
- [29:41]
A
And now we have a listener question from Lizzie.
- [29:44]
B
Yeah, she says, I would really appreciate some advice on an abstain or moderator stumbling block. I have my word for the year is balance as I have some things I'm actively trying to increase in my life. Whimsy, fun, movement, reading and other things. I am working on reducing nagging ultra processed food. Doom scrolling. One of my things to reduce is sugar. I started the year by recording my sugary treat intake over a week and was mildly horrified. I knew I had a sweet tooth, but still I decided to take a moderator approach as my goal was to reduce, not cut sugar completely. I tried various strategies, one treat a day, one treat day a week, et cetera. But I kept making excuses. Oh, I can have two treats today. I'll just have none tomorrow, et cetera. And I had to admit it wasn't really working. Then I tried abstaining. This was hard for the first few days. Don't ask my husband or kids about my less nagging, grouching reduction attempt in this period. But I did it and the power of the streak soon got me. I'm an obliger and find a streak to be a powerful tool. I made it to 29 days. But then a chance remark from a friend on their favorite dessert got to me. I felt suddenly absurdly sad that if I continued to abstain I would never again taste all my favorite sweet things. I wouldn't be able to eat birthday cake with my daughter, share a dessert after dinner out with my husband, or curl up in a comfy chair with a book, a cup of tea and a favorite chocolate. I fell off the wagon big time. I now feel dispirited at the thought of starting all over again. I wonder if with a moderator approach I won't regress so much and so hard as I can still appreciate the sweet foods I love. But I've already proved that I'm not good at moderating. But and I realize how pathetic this sounds, it genuinely makes me feel sad to think of a life with no sugary treats in it. I think Gretchen has mentioned before her sweet tooth and how abstaining from sugar is the only way she can achieve her balance. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? I do wonder if my obliger nature is hindering me here. My inner expectation is just not cutting it well. This is something a lot of people struggle with.
- [31:50]
A
A lot of people struggle with this. And one of the preliminary things I would say is in general, moderation just doesn't work for me is something I would say is something a lot of people experience. I think people assume that moderation is easier. Like it's easier to have something sometime than almost never. But for a lot of people it's actually easier to have it almost never. People like me. So that is what it is to be an abstainer. But Lizzy, here is the good news. There is a way to be an abstainer and yet have those special treats. I tend not to do that, but only because I kind of like the hobby of not doing it. But I'll taste something here and there. But for most people, they do want to have a sweet treat sometime and there is a way to do it as an abstainer that works really, really well. And it's all about having a planned exception. So with A planned exception. You are planning something in advance, then you do it at the time just as you planned, and then you look back on it with pleasure. But that is it. It's an exception. You haven't broken your streak. You've kept your streak.
- [32:55]
B
Right.
- [32:55]
A
So your streak is still going. This is a planned exception. So could you have birthday cake with your daughter? Yes, you could. You could say, hey, my daughter's birthday is next month. I'm gonna have a big piece of her carrot cake. Birthday cake. That's her favorite flavor. That's my favorite flavor. I'm gonna have a piece. It's gonna be great. And. And you have that. And you love that. Now, the next day, there's leftover birthday cake in the fridge. Do you eat it? No, you do not. Right. Because this is. I'm having a piece of birthday cake to celebrate my daughter's birthday. Oh. I'm at my favorite restaurant and they have amazing carrot cake. It's exactly the kind of carrot cake we serve to my daughter. Do I get a piece? No, I do not. Because it is not the special birthday cake for my daughter's birthday. There's a planned exception. It covers a one time thing, and then you go right back and you haven't broken the streak. This is part of the way that it's set up. You have your streak, and within your streak, you have your planned exceptions, but they have to be very limited. So it's not something like every Sunday or whenever somebody makes chocolate chip cookies or something like that. It has to be something that you really are planning and then you really enjoy it. So it's like, it's our anniversary, it's New Year's Day, whatever. But it can't be something like, it's the holiday season.
- [34:09]
B
Yes. That can go vastly awry.
- [34:12]
A
People go from Thanksgiving to like January 2nd.
- [34:16]
B
Hard.
- [34:16]
A
That's not a planned exception. It has to be something that is truly special. And it's not something that you decide in the moment. Because if you decide in the moment, that's impulsivity. And if you're being impulsive, you're not keeping your word to yourself. You want to keep your word to yourself with a planned exception, you're planning it. This is part of your plan, and it's part of your plan. And it serves your plan. Because it's hard to say, I'm never gonna eat sugar again. And maybe that'll mean that you just don't do it at all. This way you have your cake and eat it too. You have your cake and you don't eat it too. Right. And you can set this up anyway. Well, like, our father had a grandchild exception. If there was a grandchild who was eating ice cream, baking cookies, giving brownies, he would do it. But then all the other time, basically, he didn't. Yes, but how often was a grandchild standing there with a, you know, a cupcake in her hand? Not that often. And so that planned exception worked for him. And I think this works really well with obligers. Cause it sounds like Lizzie's doing really well with the streaks. Yes, Streaks often work really well. So this is a way to have your streak but also have those planned exception.
- [35:20]
B
Yes.
- [35:20]
A
This comes up a lot with moderators and abstainers. So anybody who wants to weigh in, please do. Because I think this is something that's really interesting for a lot of people. Yeah. Yes.
- [35:30]
B
Okay, Gretchen, now we have a question for listeners.
- [35:33]
A
Yes. Now, this relates to a different framework, a different set of distinctions for me, which is the four tendencies. And again, if you don't know your tendency, go to gretchenrubin.com and you can look at the quiz and find out if you're an upholder requested or obliged to rebel and learn all about the four tendencies. This is a call about rebels. If you are a rebel or you've been dealing with a rebel, what works? Rebels? What works for you in terms of getting yourself to do something? Getting yourself to do something you don't really feel like doing, how do you manage that? If you're dealing with a rebel, whether at home or at work or in life, how have you found ways to work with them successfully and effectively? How do you communicate with them so you don't ignite the spirit of resistance? How do you set things up in a way that makes sense to them? Rebel is an incredibly powerful tendency, but it's more different from the other three tendencies. And so I really want to focus in on the rebel experience and explore that. So I would love to hear what people have to say.
- [36:29]
B
Yes. All right, Gretchen. Coming up, I give myself a scheduling demerit. But first, this break.
- [36:44]
A
I always think the hardest gifts are for the people you know really well, because you want something personal, not just another gift card or something picked off a shelf at the last minute. That's why I love Zazzle. I recently made a custom mug with photos of Taffy, our new puppy, on it. And it felt so much more meaningful to give to Eleanor because it was something designed specifically for her. Zazzle lets you take everyday items and turn them into gifts. That actually tell a story.
- [37:12]
B
That's what makes it so fun. Whether it's a mug, a tote bag, a phone case, a card, or something completely different, you can browse millions of designs or create your own from scratch. Everything is made on demand, so you can customize exactly what you want without worrying about inventory. More than 30 million customers have trusted Zazzle with their most important gifts right now. Save 25% on your first order at zazzle.com that's 25% savings on your first order at zazzlez.com Go make something za mazing zazzle.com I think a lot of
- [37:49]
A
us have had the experience of buying skincare products that promise the world and then don't really seem to do much. That's one reason I was intrigued by One Skin. The company was founded by longevity researchers who focused on a simple question. What if you could address skin aging at the source instead of just covering it up? Their research led to OS1, a proprietary peptide designed to target damaged senescent cells that contribute to visible skin aging.
- [38:16]
B
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- [38:59]
A
I've been trying to say yes more to little adventures. Nothing huge, just getting out of the routine and going somewhere different for the day. And it really makes you appreciate having a car that feels solid and comfortable where you're not thinking about the drive, you're just focused on where you're going. That's what stood out to me about the Defender. It has that rugged design, but it also feels really thoughtful inside. And I like that there's a full lineup from the two door 90 to the 110 and the 130 with seating for up to eight. So it really fits different kinds of
- [39:32]
B
plans and it's built with those durable, purposeful materials so you can actually use it without worrying about every little thing. It also has features that make driving feel easier like Clearsight technology and the PIVI Pro system. So you can keep track of where you're going and everything you want to listen to along the way. Plus, with up to 89 cubic feet of cargo space and available three rows, it gives you a lot of flexibility depending on what you're bringing with you. Explore the full defender lineup@landroverusa.com okay, Elizabeth,
- [40:05]
A
it's time for demerits and gold stars, and this is an even numbered episode. So what is your demerit?
- [40:10]
B
All right, great. Gretch. Sarah, my writing partner and co host of Happier in Hollywood, left town for several days, which I knew was gonna happen months in advance. And I kept saying, this will be a great opportunity for me to do all my doctor's appointments because she won't be here. I will have the day free. I don't have to worry about her schedule. And I kept saying to myself, oh, I need to schedule my eye doctor appointment, I need to schedule that other dentist appointment, et cetera. And in the end, I only did a mammogram appointment and a telehealth visit, which I don't really count. So I totally squandered my opportunity to get all of my doctor's visits done. And it was perfect because I knew it was those days. And I feel like it is so much easier to schedule when you, like, have a day in mind. And there was plenty of lead time so that I would have been able to get in. And I just kept saying I was gonna do it, and then I didn't do it. And of course, with most of these appointments, you do have to do it well in advance, so I blew it.
- [41:16]
A
Oh, scheduling so often here. Scheduling. It's the scheduling. Well, we've all done it anyway.
- [41:23]
B
There's nothing I can do about it now, but I still need to do those appointments, so hopefully I'll report back that at least I've done those appointments, even if not at the ideal time.
- [41:33]
A
Good.
- [41:33]
B
Okay, Gretch, what is your gold star?
- [41:36]
A
Well, I do not think it will be a surprise to anyone that I am giving a gold star to the New York Knicks. New York City is so happy. It's been going on for days and days and days. People are just beside themselves. I was at game four in person. It was amazing. I thought my husband Jamie was gonna lose his mind. It was so stressful. It was not an enjoyable experience. I will say, moment to moment, they were 29 points down. And I leaned over to Jamie, and I'm like, has anybody ever come back from something like this? And he goes, not this far back. And then they did. And it was amazing. For days and days, we were just rewinding this moment that mom. And it's just been so incredibly lovely and neighborly and wholesome. It's just been a wonderful thing for the whole city. Everybody's greeting each other. There's been all sorts of funny things. Like the florist around the corner from my apartment had a New York City Knicks display with, like, basketballs and stuff. The team spirit is so great. Elizabeth, you and I are Kansas City people, so we have shared in the Chiefs triumphs, but we didn't live in Kansas City for that, so we watched it from afar. It's very different from when it's your city around you. So, anyway, gold star to the Knicks. They have worked very hard for a long time, and everybody appreciates it and enjoys it.
- [42:55]
B
Even though I don't live in New York anymore and I'm not this huge Knicks fan, I have gotten so much joy out of this whole thing. I have spent hours watching TikTok videos of new Yorkers just being excited and happy and dancing in the streets and singing and watching the games. So I share that gold star. Yay, Nick.
- [43:16]
A
Yeah. I love it, Elizabeth. When you would text me, I'm like, elizabeth, she's watching from la.
- [43:20]
B
I was watching the games, and I never watch games.
- [43:23]
A
Yeah. And the resource for this week, summer weddings may be coming up, and you may be looking for a great reading for a wedding that you're gonna attend. If you would like to see a collection that we put together from listeners, that collection is@gretchenrubin.com resources and Elizabeth, what are we reading? What are you reading?
- [43:42]
B
I am reading you with a sad eye by Christina Applegate.
- [43:46]
A
And I'm reading Virginia Woolf's Diaries, Volume 2. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Get ready for halfway day. Reflect and adjust. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.
- [44:00]
B
Thanks to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada.
- [44:03]
A
And here's your rhyming reminder. If the show brightens your day, please send others our way.
- [44:08]
B
Until next week. I Hi, I'm Elizabeth Craft.
- [44:11]
A
And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward, Elizabeth. I'm dying for the reading retreat. This has got to be project one for us to figure this out again. It's the timing.
- [44:33]
B
I know.
- [44:33]
A
It's always timing.
- [44:34]
B
I know. And maybe we just don't think of it as being LA based. Maybe it's something else.
- [44:40]
A
Yeah. We'll have to think about it. This episode is brought to you by Google Health. Stop chasing someone else's definition of health. What matters is what's healthy for you. Google Health offers a new kind of coach built with Gemini for effortless tracking, sleep insights and holistic coaching tailored to you. Visit googlestore.com to learn more and start a new relationship with your health. Requires Google Account, Google Health App, Internet and Google Health Premium subscription. Features subject to change. Availability and results vary. Not intended for medical purposes. Works independently of Gemini apps. Check responses for accuracy.