EP. 597: Celebrate "Dogust," Plus a Special Challenge for Upholders With Little Kids

Summary

Happier with Gretchen Rubin – Episode 597

Title: Celebrate "Dogust," Plus a Special Challenge for Upholders With Little Kids
Release Date: July 29, 2026
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Elizabeth Craft

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Episode Overview

This episode celebrates the joys and lessons learned from having dogs by highlighting "Dogust" (August as National Dog Month), including the Universal Birthday for Shelter Dogs on August 1st. Gretchen and Elizabeth also respond to listener feedback on recent episodes, share practical travel hacks, discuss challenges for Upholders (one of Gretchen’s Four Tendencies personality types) with little kids, and answer a question about their reading habits. The tone is warm, practical, and full of thoughtful advice, with the sisters’ signature blend of humor and candor.

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Listener Feedback & Insights (03:47–08:35)

• Golden Hours for Self-Care
  • Susan from London shares her weekly "night off" practice: Wednesdays are chore-free evenings, adding much-cherished space for herself. She recounts how sharing this idea helped a friend keep an exercise class by delegating dinner to her capable teenage kids.
    • “Obligers, a reminder. You do not need to do everything for your kids every day as they get older.” – Susan [04:44]
• Building Social Muscles
  • Catherine instituted a standing Tuesday morning coffee date, which organically grew into a supportive social network and became an anchor of happiness in her life. Gretchen and Elizabeth praise this as an example of "triadic closure"—making friends with friends of friends.
    • “The best way to make friends is to make friends with the friends of your friends.” – Gretchen Rubin [06:16]
• RSVP Etiquette
  • Nora comments that those who fail to RSVP or arrive at inappropriate times are often non-hosts and unaware of the host's burdens.
• Kansas City Travel Love
  • Virginia, a loyal listener, sends a mini travelogue celebrating Kansas City’s attractions, food (Joe’s BBQ!), and spirit.

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Try This at Home: Celebrate Dogust! (08:35–14:50)

• Why Dogust?
  • August is dubbed "Dogust" in honor of National Dog Month and shelter dogs’ universal birthday (Aug 1).
  • Gretchen and Elizabeth share personal reflections on how easily dogs can be taken for granted and recount the joy their own dogs bring.

Tips to Celebrate Dogust

• Take Your Dog on Special Outings
  • New places provide mental stimulation for dogs and offer fun for their humans.
• Create Games and Enrichment
  • Hide treats to let dogs "hunt" or play favorite chase games; both hosts admit to falling out of these habits due to busy schedules.
    • “It does take a little planning… but it is great for their mental stimulation to go to new places.” – Elizabeth Craft [10:21]
• Change Your Walks
  • Even slight variations in routes provide new smells and experiences, which are pure joy for dogs.
    • “Let your dogs check their pee-mail.” – Gretchen Rubin [11:47]
• Let Dogs Sniff
  • Don’t rush dog walks; allow time for sniffing, as sense of smell is key to dogs’ happiness.
  • Referencing her book, Life in Five Senses, Gretchen marvels at canine sense of smell.
• Rotate Toys
  • Swap in and out toys to keep them exciting and fresh; both sing the praises of a “super favorite toy.”
• Notice & Meet Individual Needs
  • Gretchen tells how she observed Taffy’s love for cozy, sheltered spots and got her a cave-style dog bed.
• Support Shelter Dogs
  • Donate to animal shelters as a way to honor dogs during Dogust.

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[18:35] Travel Hack: Backpacks vs. Roller Bags

• Listener Laura's Suggestion
  • Backpacks (specifically backpacking packs) can beat rolling suitcases for travel involving long walks, stairs, and when you want hands free.
    • “Most of the weight rests on your hips and I would argue it has even more advantages than a roller bag … and it’s a game changer.” – Laura [18:42]
• Elizabeth’s Take
  • She prefers a roller bag for compatibility with a shoulder tote, and loves a trolley sleeve for easy carrying.
• Takeaway
  • Choose bags based on your personal needs, physical abilities, and typical travel scenarios. “Know yourself.”

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[21:08] Four Tendencies Tip: Upholders with Little Kids

• Listener Krista’s Question
  • As an Upholder, she’s frustrated at failing to keep habits with three small children and wonders if she’s “malfunctioning as an Upholder.”
• Gretchen’s Reassurance
  • It’s common for Upholders (who thrive on meeting inner and outer expectations) to struggle in chaotic seasons like early parenthood. Adjusting expectations is key.
    • “Sometimes, your situation just isn’t cooperating… You need to create a situation that works for you now.” – Gretchen Rubin [23:00]
  • Suggests reframing what “success” means during this season and returning to old habits when circumstances allow.
• Shared Experiences
  • Elizabeth agrees, noting even one child disrupts routines, and flexibility is crucial.

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[27:48] Listener Question: Do You Really Read a Book a Week?

• Question from Holly
  • Wonders if Gretchen and Elizabeth truly read a book a week given their busy lives.
• The Honest Process
  • Both say yes—with some caveats: Elizabeth often listens to audiobooks; sometimes they carry over books week to week.
  • They never plug books for promotions; all are genuine choices.
  • Gretchen sometimes reads two books at once and often posts a photo-collage of completed monthly reads.
    • “I always start a book thinking I’m going to finish, but one thing you and I have both worked on is putting down a book if we don’t like it.” – Gretchen Rubin [30:02]
• Fun Anecdote
  • Elizabeth recalls Gretchen’s speed-reading prowess, especially when reviewing her own writing.

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[32:46] Demerit: The Family Timeline Project

• Gretchen’s Demerit
  • She started a "Family Timeline Project" to catalog memories using photo albums as an aid to memory, but got emotionally stalled and left albums spread out on the dining table.
  • Elizabeth offers advice: try tackling one year per week for manageability.
    • “There’s something about a year where it makes sense intellectually because it’s just sort of taxing…” – Gretchen Rubin [35:28]

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[36:29] Gold Star: Summer’s "Monoculture" Events

• Elizabeth’s Gold Star
  • To big shared moments: Knicks Finals, World Cup, and the reality TV show Love Island, which create connection and conversation among friends and strangers.
    • “It is so fun to have these things to share and to talk about and to enjoy and it just makes everybody feel united and energized.” – Gretchen Rubin [39:07]
  • The much-anticipated Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift wedding is a “frustrated monoculture”—not enough details released yet!

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “One of my secrets of adulthood is: something that can be done at any time is often done at no time.” – Gretchen Rubin [08:57]
• “For them, the interest of the walk, a lot of it is in the sniffing.” – Gretchen Rubin [11:47]
• “If you do not RSVP, you’re putting a burden on your host.” – Elizabeth Craft [07:00]
• “Upholders are good at being able to step back and saying, I need to create a situation that works for me now.” – Gretchen Rubin [24:10]
• “I’m giving a gold star to all monoculture events this summer.” – Elizabeth Craft [36:29]

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[40:11] What Are You Reading?

• Elizabeth: This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life by Liz Lenz (listening)
• Gretchen: Permanence by Sophie McIntosh (reading)

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How Listeners Can Engage

• Share your Dogust celebrations or tips through Instagram, Threads, TikTok, Facebook, email, or via the episode page (happiercast.com/597).
• Submit your own favorite “biggest impact” lessons from the Happier podcast for the upcoming episode 600 recap.
• Subscribe to both hosts’ Substack newsletters for more insights and behind-the-scenes content.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:47 – Listener feedback round-up
• 08:35 – Try This at Home: Celebrate Dogust
• 18:35 – Travel hack: Backpack vs. Roller bag
• 21:08 – Four Tendencies tip: Upholders & little kids
• 27:48 – Do the hosts really read a book a week?
• 32:46 – Demerit: Family timeline project
• 36:29 – Gold Star: Monoculture events

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This summary captures the practical tips, heartfelt reflections, and relatable anecdotes that make “Happier” a favorite for listeners eager for happier, healthier, more creative lives.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

Lemonade.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Today's episode is brought to you by gevoty. If you've ever had blood work come back fine but still felt like something was off, this might sound familiar. What stood out to me about jevotee is that they go beyond a standard annual physical.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

You can focus on exercise, nutrition, all the things you're supposed to do for your health, but if you are not sleeping well, it is very hard to feel refreshed, especially when you wake up

[Elizabeth Craft]

overheated in the middle of the night. That completely affects my sleep, which is why I love the Chilipad 2.0 by sleepmirk me. It is a water based mattress topper that controls your sleep temperature and works with your existing mattress. And if one person sleeps hot and the other sleeps cold, and that's Adam and me, each side can have its own temperature setting, which is amazing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, and I also love that it automatically starts when you get into bed so it feels seamless. Visit www.sleep.me Gretchen to get up to $255 off your Chilipad 2.0 with code Gretchen. This special offer is available for happier and only for a limited time. Order it today with free shipping and try it out for 30 days. You can return it for free if you don't like it with their sleep trial. Visit www.sleep s l e e p.me Gretchen and see why cold sleep is your ultimate ally in performance and recovery. Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about ways to become happier. This week we'll talk about something that makes August special and we will talk about a special challenge for upholders with little kids. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, human nature. I'm in my little home office in New York City. And joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. And Elizabeth, you and I both have a reason to celebrate in August.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la. And yes, Gretch, we'll get to it. But yeah, we both will be celebrating. Celebrating.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Now before we jump in, we have been asking and we've gotten so many great responses, but we want even more for our upcoming episode 600. We would love to know what has stuck with you the most. What idea has really helped you in your own life to become happier, healthier, more productive, more creative? It's always super interesting for us to hear what resonates most with people. And then I also think it can be a highlight reel for other people because maybe you haven't listened to all 600 episodes, but you can listen to the ones that have made the biggest difference to other listeners. So keep those coming.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, I love reading those.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I love it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then Gretchen, we got this from Susan in London about golden hours which we were discussing the idea that you want to use your evenings. She said, for me, Wednesday is a night off from family chores. My wonderful husband suggested 10 years ago that I should have a night off once a week. I picked Wednesdays when I already have an exercise class. So I come home stretched and relaxed. He cooks dinner or if he is out, I prepare a quick and easy store cupboard dinner. I choose the show we watch and I postpone non urgent chores like laundry and family admin until the next day. It is a very small thing and I don't think the kids even notice that Wednesday is my night off. But I look forward to it and I suspect it has saved me from obliger rebellion. Recently a friend at my Wednesday exercise class shared that she was agonizing over whether to quit the class. She loves the class and would miss the health benefits but dreaded the rush and stress stress to get there. After work we chatted and it turned out the stress was cooking dinner for her kids between work and the class. I pointed out gently that her kids are 16 and 18 and they are both perfectly capable of cooking a simple dinner once a fortnight. I told her about my Wednesday evenings off from family chores and her face lit up. That was six months ago and she hasn't quit the exercise class. Obligers a reminder. You do not need to do everything for your kids every day as they get older.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That is a great reminder, a great example of taking that time, making that time for yourself. And then we Got this from Catherine and this is in response to our discussion of how building our social muscles. We've been talking a lot about getting back out there, being social, exercising your social muscles. And she wrote A simple thing I started last fall was going to a local coffee shop every Tuesday morning when they open at 7:30. At first I would invite one or two friends each time. Soon a couple of us decided we should just make this a standing appointment and anyone in our circle should show up whenever they could. Almost a year later, this has become a cherished ritual. Not only have we gotten to know each other better, but our circle has grown as friends invite friends and we have made new friends who are also regulars at the shop. The conversation is wonderful and we've strengthened our support networks. It has certainly made me happier. If you are ever in Southern Pines, North Carolina on a Tuesday morning, feel free to join us at the Java Bean roasting company on Broad Street.

[Elizabeth Craft]

This is so many things I love.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is the standing date so that you don't have to do the check ins planning. It's triadic closure which is the best way to make friends is to make friends with the friends of your friends. It's supporting a local coffee shop. It's everything. I think this is such a nice idea.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, wonderful. And then Nora had a comment about our conversation about RSVPing. She said, I find the people who don't RSVP as well as those who arrive early or grossly late are people who don't usually host a events. Nothing is worse than having a guest arrive as you are putting the last touches on your event or arriving as you are about to clean up. They don't understand the impact their lack of response or arrival time has on the host.

Well, that's a good point that if somebody doesn't do it so they don't understand. But I have to say Jamie and

[Gretchen Rubin]

I are pathologically prompt. We often will have to walk around

[Elizabeth Craft]

the block several times or something because

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm like, we can't arrive at 7:01.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So yeah, it's something to be aware of.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We got so many responses. Here's another one from Virginia. I'm a loyal listener and couldn't miss the chance to write in about a recent trip to Kansas City. See, we have to highlight this.

[Elizabeth Craft]

As somebody who goes to Kansas City,

[Gretchen Rubin]

our beloved hometown, I'm on a quest better than a jaunt to go to all 50 states. So recently my husband and I set out on a Midwest road trip to go to three more states that I Need Kansas, Nebraska and Iowa. There was also a basketball theme to our trip, culminating in going to a game of the College World Series hosted annually in Omaha. Anyway, we enjoyed two days exploring Kansas City and had a great time. We enjoyed dinner at Winstead's before heading to a Royals game. Oh, classic. The next day we explored the whole city highlights including hopping on and off the free streetcar. This is brand new by the way. A trip to Joe's Barbecue, a beer tasting at Boulevard Brewery, going to a jazz bar, checking out Union Station, the Federal Reserve Bank Museum and so on. So much more. What a great city in the middle of America. This is so great. Virginia, this is so great to hear that you had a wonderful time. Kansas City is a terrific place. Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

By the way, Gretchen, I saw before people left the World cup they went for a last trip at Joe's Barbecue. The players who'd been in Kansas City. I think that was a big highlight for the Kansas City people for the World Cup.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We are famous justly for our barbecue. So this week our try this at home suggestion is to celebrate dogust.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, many call the eighth month of the year Doggust August because it's National

[Gretchen Rubin]

Dog Month and it also includes the

[Elizabeth Craft]

universal birthday for shelter dogs on August 1st. One of my secrets of adulthood is something that can be done at any

[Gretchen Rubin]

time is often done at no time. This is a good opportunity to stop and think about how grateful we are for our dogs and how much we love our dogs.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Gretch, it is easy to start taking them for granted. We have two corgis, Nacho and Daisy, who we love crazily. But it is easy to just stop really appreciating them, to stop taking them around to new places or walking them every single day. So it's good to have this reminder.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, I agree. We just recently passed the first anniversary of getting our dog Taffy. Because you loved having two dogs so

[Elizabeth Craft]

much, you inspired us to get two dogs.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Which is, I would say surprising if you know her family. We don't seem like a two dog family, but now we are. And we love Taffy. We love Barnaby. And it's funny, I did a little happier about Barnaby and it's just as true for Taffy. I'll post a link to it. About my observation that you think about love and our relationships as extending into the future, but they also change the past and it seems like you've had your dogs always.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What was it like when we only had Barnaby? Or like when we didn't have Barnaby? To be at all. It's hard for me to. It's hard for me to hold that in my mind. So, anyway, I wrote a little happier about it. I'll link to that. But what else can we do for dog us? Elizabeth, what do you think we should do for our dogs?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, I really want to take Nacho and Daisy on some outings. I think that would be great because it's great for their mental stimulation to go to new places. And we always have fun when we take them places. But it does take a little planning to say, okay, what's a dog friendly place? You don't want it to be too far away and have them in the car for too long. So that is something I really want to focus on in August.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's interesting that you say that, because mental stimulation for dogs is super, super important. They love it when we do more elaborate games that are a little bit more mentally challenging. I do this thing with Barnaby where

[Elizabeth Craft]

I would take a bunch of little

[Gretchen Rubin]

treats and then hide them. And then he has to go and find them and dig them out. And I know that he loves doing that, but it's sort of a little bit of setup. And so I've fallen out of the habit. I want to get back into the habit of doing the things that they really enjoy. I used to be in the habit of when I would come back from walking Taffy in the morning, I would throw something she loves to chase. I would do it for like 10 minutes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then lately I've just been like,

[Gretchen Rubin]

yeah, I don't feel like doing it. I want to just get to my desk. And then she's always like, what? Aren't we going to have our special game? Like, I should do it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

Another good thing to do, Gretchen, which is easy, is just change your route when you're walking that. Yeah, I know. You and I are both creatures of habit, so I'm sure we both walk the same route every time.

Indeed.

But again, new smells are great for them. They love new smells, so I'm gonna try to do that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

In fact, I saw somebody said, let your dogs check their pea mail. That for them. Let them sniff. Don't keep tugging them along. If you're walking them on a leash, just keep moving. But for them, the interest of the walk, a lot of it is when

[Elizabeth Craft]

I was writing my book Life in Five Senses, I mean, what dogs can smell is so extraordinary.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They are just experiencing the world in a way that we cannot even conceive of it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And so that's part of what their pleasure is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And so don't just be scooting them

[Elizabeth Craft]

along, let them explore that way.

It's also a good idea to rotate their toys. Now for my dogs.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Your dogs?

[Elizabeth Craft]

They destroy toys?

Yes. Yeah.

Toys are short lived in our house. But if we did have toys, it would be good to. To rotate them so that they're new again.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, this is a reminder for me

[Elizabeth Craft]

because I, I had heard that. So I like, I put a bunch

[Gretchen Rubin]

of toys out of sight but then

[Elizabeth Craft]

I haven't brought them back. So I'm going to immediately start doing this. I sort of did the first step, which is put some away so they become unfamiliar. But now they've just had the same 10.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Barnaby has like a super favorite toy which if he comes back from a long trip or being away, he'll go get it. Every time he comes into the apartment, he'll find it, he'll take it from

[Elizabeth Craft]

one room to another.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I mean, he's super attached to that toy.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So that toy could never be put away.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But here's something also pay attention to your dog and see if there's something that you can do to make their lives more comfortable or more pleasant or more fun.

[Elizabeth Craft]

You know, Elizabeth, I don't notice anything, right. I'm just such an oblivious person. But I did notice that Taffy did

[Gretchen Rubin]

something that Barnaby had never done, which is she liked to go under things. She would go under this footstool that we had, which was really low. And she liked to sort of tuck herself into small places where she could look out.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And that was interesting to me because Barnaby had never done it. And then I found this thing called

[Gretchen Rubin]

a cave dog bed where it's a dog bed, but it has sort of

[Elizabeth Craft]

a roof on it and it's small,

[Gretchen Rubin]

so she's really tucked into it. And then she goes into her little

[Elizabeth Craft]

cave and sticks her head out and looks.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I mean, you've seen it. Elizabeth. Is it the cutest thing you've ever

[Elizabeth Craft]

seen in your life?

It is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. And she, she stays in there for a long time. She loves it in there.

Yeah, well, she goes in and out and it doesn't have to do with the temperature.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You might think she only did it when it's cold out or something. She wants it to be warm.

[Elizabeth Craft]

She'll do it for days and then

[Gretchen Rubin]

she won't do it. A couple times I'm like, well, maybe she just outgrew this or isn't interested.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But then she goes back into it. But I really gave myself credit for thinking, oh wow, this seems like something Taffy would enjoy. And she really does enjoy it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. And in honor of rescue dogs, you know, one thing that you could do for doggists is to donate to a Shel. If you're somebody who really loves, you know, feels committed to like the pleasure that we can get from dogs and wants dogs to be happy and healthy,

[Elizabeth Craft]

donating to a shelter is a great

[Gretchen Rubin]

way to support dogs and doggist.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So let us know if you do try this at home.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And what are you doing to celebrate Doggist?

[Gretchen Rubin]

What are you doing to show your gratitude and love for your dogs?

[Elizabeth Craft]

We'd love some more ideas.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an [e-mail] or as always, you can go to the show notes this is happiercast.com 597 coming up, we

[Elizabeth Craft]

have a very practical travel hack. But first, this break.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

One skin fit so easily into my routine and now my skin feels smoother and more hydrated. And I like knowing there's serious research behind it, including four PE peer reviewed clinical studies and more than 10,000 five star reviews. Born from over a decade of longevity research, Oneskin is helping you unlock your healthiest skin now and as you age. For a limited time, try OneSkin with 15% off using code happy at OneSkin Co happy. That's 15% off OneSkin Co with Code Happy. After you purchase, I'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you you. One thing we have realized is that most people don't fill out their health goals because they don't know what to do. We all know we're supposed to eat better, move more, get enough sleep. The hard part is actually sticking with it. That's where accountability makes all the difference. Promising yourself you'll do something is one thing. Knowing someone else is going to check in with you every day, that is a whole different level of Motivation that

[Gretchen Rubin]

is exactly what mybody Tutor is built around. Instead of trying to figure it out all on your own, you get a real personal coach who checks in with you every single day to help keep you on track. And I've known founder adam Gilbert and MyBody tutor for years, so I know how much thought has gone into building a program that helps people actually follow through. Visit mybodytutor.com happier for $50 off your first month of coaching? That's mybodytutor.com happier For $50 off your first month of Coaching I have tried a lot of protein bars over the years and one thing always frustrated me. They either had a lot of calories, a lot of sugar, or just didn't keep me satisfied. David really stood out because it's different.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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Okay, Elizabeth, it's time for a hack and we cannot get enough travel hacks.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And this is a great one.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That came from Laura.

Yes, she said in your travel hack podcast you mentioned to get a roller bag for obvious reasons like having to walk longer than expected, and I just wanted to offer another take on the perfect travel bag. I travel a lot and getting a backpacking pack made a huge difference. Most of the weight rests on your hips and I would argue it has even more advantages than a roller bag. It is easy for longer walks, but you can also actually run with it. It always fits in overhead compartments. You are never asked to check it in when the FL is too full while walking, you keep two hands available instead of one and it takes up less storage space in your house. I found it a game Changer.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, I have to say we have

[Elizabeth Craft]

one of these and Jamie much prefers it. And we were just traveling, we went away for a long weekend and he used it. And it is. You can use it like a big duffel bag, but it has straps, so you can also put it on your shoulders. So I do think that in some situations this could be better, especially if you think you're going to be going on a lot of stairs, because stairs I think are when the rolly bags are hard to carry. But it has to be. You have to be able to have a lot of weight on your back. And I think for some people that's just going to be a non starter. But for some reason, Jamie just he will not use a rolling bag. I do not know why. He just has set his mind against them. This is a great other option. And Laura's right, there's a lot of pros to it as opposed to the rolling bag.

Yeah. I would say for me, Gretchen, I always want to have a shoulder tote bag. So a backpack wouldn't be great for me because I have something on my shoulder. And what I love about a roller bag is that I have discovered, which I've discussed on the podcast, the trolley sleeve on bags where you can put it over the roller bag handle. So I don't know, I find that for me works best. But I absolutely get why a backpack would be easier for a lot of people.

I'll post a link to. I couldn't find the exact one that we have, but I found one that looks more or less like it. And so I'll post a link to it. If somebody can't visualize what we're talking about. Is this like a duffel bag with shoulder straps?

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think this is a good example

[Elizabeth Craft]

though, of know yourself. Does your trip involve stairs? Do you think you're gonna be running through an airport? Like, I love the idea that you're running with it. I was like, okay, that's never good if you're running with your luggage. How about the storage space and wherever you live, think about what it is you need and just know that there are options that can suit a lot of different situations. I thought this was a great reminder that there's a lot of different possibilities.

Yes.

And now for a four tendencies tip. Now we are gonna assume for the purposes of this conversation that you know about the four tendencies and you upholders and questioners and obligers and rebels. But if you do not know, you can go to GretchenRubin.com, you can take a quiz to find out if you're an Upholder Questioner, Obliger, Rebel.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It will give you a little report

[Elizabeth Craft]

on yourself that will make so many things clear to you. You can look up more than you ever want to know about this four Tendencies framework and why I think it's so helpful. I wrote a whole book about the four Tendencies but for this we'll just assume you know what the four Tendencies are and we'll just get into it. Yes.

So this comes from Krista who has a question. She says, is it to be an upholder who is malfunctioning because of the fact that I have three little kids. I've been racking my brain as to why I can't keep my habits when I realized my schedule does not currently belong to me. Or maybe I'm just not an upholder. Do you recall these days maybe your girls were just better sleepers than mine?

Okay, so I'm so glad that Krista brought this up because this is a very common issue with upholders. Upholders I think feel particularly distressed when they have little kids and they just cannot maintain the same level of consistency. Meeting expectations that they could before. This is something that just comes up a lot. So of course upholders readily meet outer and inner expectations. But sometimes like your situation just isn't cooperating. If you have three little kids who are having trouble sleeping, there's no way you can to do list yourself out of that. That is the season of life that you are in. And you just need to say, how do I adjust my expectations for myself given my situation now? For me it was much easier because my two daughters are six years apart. So by the time Eleanor arrived, Eliza was already. You know, a six year old is a lot easier to manage than a two year old. She asked about, do I recall those days? I do, but I think I had a little bit of an easier time. Even one kid, as you know, Elizabeth, even one child child is disruptive to your routines. But it's harder if you have three little kids.

[Gretchen Rubin]

For sure.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

So I would say as an upholder, what you want to do is you want to tap into your ability to set your inner expectations for yourself. And you want to say, given the reality of what my life is like right now, what are my priorities? What are my values? What is realistic and manageable and what are the expectations that I'm going to set for myself now? I'm going to create new expectations because I'm in a new situation. Sometimes upholders just feel like, well, I'VE always done xyz. I'm really letting myself down if I can't do xyz. But sometimes it's just so stressful and maybe even impossible to do xyz. It's just not realistic. But upholders are good at being able to step back and saying, I need to create a situation that works for me now. So you want to tap into that. Don't get focused on. I need to do everything perfectly or everything as consistently as I always did before. But what's realistic for me now? And maybe there's certain things that I'm going to suspend or I'm only going to do them on the weekends, or I'm going to do it twice a week instead of five days a week or whatever it might be. And I say this to me that we can get very rigid. It can be hard for us to be flexible. It can be hard for us to let go of something that. Because we find that comforting. I think that's what other tendencies don't understand is that for a no holder, that's actually reassuring and comforting. So to let go of it is actually very uncomfortable. But it's also uncomfortable to have all these expectations for yourself that you can't realistically meet. So I would say, Krista, step back, think about it. What's most important to you now and how you can make it work for yourself. Because this discomfort and uneasiness that you're feeling is very common for upholders with

little kids, even knowing that will probably be helpful that it is common. And yeah, for me, it seems a great time to reframe, frame your definition of success for your habits.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Well, and then also remember, this is a season of life and they will get older and you can come back to it, but we can't do every single thing at all times because upholders do have that tendency to, like, really lock in. It can be hard for them to adjust.

[Elizabeth Craft]

All right, Gretch. Coming up, we have a listener question from someone who's curious about our reading habits. But first, this break.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, it's time for a listener question. And this question comes from Holly.

[Elizabeth Craft]

She said, I've read several of your books and absolutely love them, but it is only these past few months that I've also begun listening to your podcast and I'm loving these too. I wish I had started a long time ago, but the great thing is that I'm able to bring up all of your episodes right from the beginning so then I'll be able to catch up on all the old podcasts. We love that Gretch.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We love our completists.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I'm also using the strategy of pairing. I have to do about 20 minutes of therapeutic stretches for my feet every day, so that is the perfect time to listen as I find the stretches incredibly boring and never want to do them. But now that I've associated something positive with them, it's much more pleasant and the time seems to pass more quickly. Happily, it should be quite a while before I run out of episodes. I do have one question I've been wanting to ask. I'm also a questioner. Every week you and Elizabeth tell us what book you are reading that week. Is this really True. With your very busy lives and families, do you each really read an entire book every single week? Sometimes I can't even get a book read over the course of a month. And I love to read. Are these books you start but don't necessarily plan to finish? Are they just promotions or plugs for certain authors would love to understand this mystery.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, this is a great question because we love talking about reading. The first thing we would say is we never mention a book just as a plug in or as a promotion. It's always a sincere choice that we have made in our own lives. Never question that. They're all sincere choices. Well, Elizabeth, I know for you because you have audiobooks that helps you get through faster, I think than a lot of people might realize.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. A lot of times when I say I'm reading whatever book, probably most often I'm listening to it, but I just count that obviously as reading. And I listen in the car and while I'm getting ready and walking the dogs. So I usually manage to get through a book. Also sometimes if you keep listening, you'll hear that I do say I'm still reading such and such book or I'm not reading anything this week cause I'm just too busy. It does happen sometimes that I don't finish a book. I mean, just because I'm reading a book doesn't necessarily guarantee that I'll finish it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think we always start it thinking that we're gonna finish. But one thing you and I have both worked on is putting down a book if we don't like it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So if we've just started a book, we might say that we're reading it,

[Elizabeth Craft]

then we decide not to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think that's pretty rare. But it does happen.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It happens occasionally.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It happens occasionally for me. I think a lot of it is I will often read two books at the same time. God.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Picked up this habit from my husband. I used to never do it. Now I do it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So I might have an overlapping book.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So it's not like I read it

[Gretchen Rubin]

all in a week. That is the week that I'm sort of actively reading it or nearing the end of it. I tend to mention a book when I feel like I am towards the end of it. It might be that I read too short.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Short books or whatever.

Also, Gretchen, I have to point out you read faster than anybody I have ever known. You just read very quickly.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Do I? I don't feel like I read that fast.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. When I give you something to read that I've written, you read it faster than anybody I've ever seen. And you retain all the knowledge. You are a very fast reader.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That would be great. I would love to think that I must be a fast reader because I feel like I'm never reading. And then every month on, I post

[Elizabeth Craft]

a picture of all the books that I finished that month. So if it's in that picture, I did finish it. So if I stopped reading it because I didn't like it, it will not be in that photo. And then I always think, like, I feel like I didn't read, but I

[Gretchen Rubin]

read six books or whatever. So I don't know.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's a puzzle to me because I always want more time to read. Also, another thing I think sometimes, Elizabeth,

[Gretchen Rubin]

is that we will say we're starting a book.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So sometimes we might not have even read the first page. It's just the next book that we know is in our queue.

[Sponsor Voice]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So if you're wondering, the timing of when the book is finished might jump all over the place because of how we're reading the books.

Gretch, I'm remembering when you were on Oprah's show Super Soul Sunday, and at the end she asked a series of questions like, what gives you comfort? What rejuvenates you? What do you do this, that, and the other thing. And every single one of your answers was books or reading.

Well, you know what this reminds me of, Elizabeth? And I think this is called like the Beyonce effect or something. Apparently, when you are going through a super intense experience, it can interfere with your short term memory. People would go to Beyonce concert and then they're like, I don't even really remember it. They were so overwhelmed, they couldn't remember it. And I can't really remember that. I remember a few moments, but you were there watching. You were there with me. And it just was like a blur because I was so overwhelmed. I think my memory wasn't functioning properly.

Well, you should go back and watch.

I should. Well, but I never would. You know how that is.

That's true. Okay, Gretch, it is time for demerits and gold stars. And this week, it is your turn for a demerit.

Yeah. So I have been working on this big project. I'm calling it the Family Timeline project. And again, it goes to my memory because I feel like I do not have a good memory. The parts of our lives that we have shared, you have a much better memory than I do. And this is something I'm always kind of working on. How can I hang on to memories? What can I do for memories as part of that, that I print out

[Gretchen Rubin]

these hard copy photo albums as kind

[Elizabeth Craft]

of a family diary. So. And this is always on my list for my annual list, 26 for 26. Do the family photo albums, because it's kind of a nuisance. And then I print them out, and then I take a Sharpie and write captions on the pages. So they really are like a family diary so that I can say, oh, okay, it was 20, 22. What were we doing in February? I could just go look it up. I do this because there are many reasons, but one reason is to help my memory.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But I realized I never go back and look at these things. They're like an aide memoir, but I never go back and look at them. So I was going to do this family timeline project. I got this special notebook, and I was starting, and I was just going back and just writing down, like, where did we go for spring break in 2018? And what year did Eleanor learn to ride a bicycle? And what year did we get Barnaby? Because things seem so vivid and. And then, yeah, you can't remember, where did we stay now?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Because I can never remember where we stay.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I always try to take a picture if we stay someplace. So I have a picture of, like, a member of my family, like, pointing

[Elizabeth Craft]

to the name of the hotel or whatever.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So I'm like, oh, that's where we stayed. But I thought, okay, well, I want to go through and do this timeline so I can really just flip through a notebook and remember things. And I got out every single photo album, put them on the dining room table, and I was going to go through them. Well, you can imagine what happened. I got stalled out. This turned out to be very, very satisfying, but also kind of very emotionally taxing, thinking through all these memories. And so then they were just sitting there, sitting there. Jamie's like, you gotta get these off the dining room table. It's making me bonkers. So then I put them away. But I want to go back and finish this. I just can't. And, Elizabeth, I don't know. What do you think? How do I tackle this? Should I do it in half an hour every day? Should I take a week and really work on it for several hours every afternoon? Whatever I'm doing isn't working because I haven't done it in.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Maybe you should do, like, a year. A week.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. But the problem with that is that the albums aren't already in order. Well, I guess I could just do a year, but not in order. I could do 2018 and then 2007.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I could just do a year. Oh, that's not a bad idea.

[Elizabeth Craft]

If you want to sit down for two hours, you can, but you just know you want to get it done by the end of the week.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's a good idea. I like that because it feels very manageable and bounded. I can see how the end would come. And there's also something about a year where it makes sense intellectually because it's just sort of taxing. Part of the reason I've got a bad memory is that I find it taxing to be dragging up memories, dredging through memories. Where were we? When was this? Who was that? What was the context? What was going on? Okay, I like this.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, well, especially now, if dad is involved in anything, it's gonna be very emotional to revisit.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's a very good point. I haven't worked on it since well before he died. So I haven't done this at all since. So that's a really good thing to remember because again, it's like I have to be like in a calm place to do this. And now even more. But that makes me wanna do it even more. You know what I mean?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because now there'll be that added thing. Okay. Thank you, Elizabeth. My own happiness. Bully. What is your gold star, Gretch?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I am giving a gold star to all monoculture events this summer.

Yes.

All of us have been enjoying how everyone has been rallying around these events. So it started with the Knicks going to the Finals. Even people who weren't Knicks fans like me. I mean, I like the Knicks, but not a particular fan. Just loved watching that. We've got the World cup that ended recently, which, again, I'm not a soccer watcher, but I loved all of the monoculture of everybody watching, of all the players and all the cities enjoying the

[Gretchen Rubin]

US And Kansas City was in it. So we love that Kansas City played its role.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, that added to it. When we were traveling, we would see people in jerseys and painted faces, and it was just so fun. Everybody watching bars and restaurants. And then the other monoculture in my little niche world, Gretchen, has been Love Island. Love island is a reality show that I had never watched until this season. It's over now, this season. But the thing that makes it so monoculture is that it is on six days a week. So when it is on, people are watching it every single day. So there's. And it's taking place in real time. It has not been pre taped. It is actually only about Two days behind. So you're really watching it unfold and people love talking about it. There's lots of social media about it. There's tons of podcasts about it. You know, I love listening to podcasts about reality tv and then it's just something that you share with others. So I'm just loving all these monoculture events. I've heard lots of people talking about how it's made this summer so much more fun.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What? Belizza, you missed one. A very obvious which one?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, I'll give you a hint.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There is a Kansas City connection and there's also a Knicks connection.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, of course. Travis and Taylor's wedding. Another monoculture event I absolutely enjoyed. You know what? Not enough details have come out.

No.

So it hasn't really come to fruition.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Is she doing a documentary about the wedding?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I hope so.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Is there going to be a movie of the. I hope so is my question.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I hope so.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No. It was like a frustrated monoculture. Everybody wanted to do it. You couldn't even get near Madison Square Garden.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. So I think that one fell out of my mind because I don't feel it's complete.

[Sponsor Voice]

Right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But I look forward to what I hope will be a two hour feature release.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes, exactly. Well, I completely agree, Elizabeth. It is so fun to have these things to share and to talk about and to enjoy and it just makes everybody feel feel united and energized. So gold star the resource for this week. If you enjoy the conversations that we have here on the podcast, you might like my substack newsletter. I share reflections, teaching stories. I love a teaching story. Proverbs about human nature and self knowledge. These are like little stories that are very carefully crafted. You can sign up for free. That's weekly. It's called Secrets of Adulthood on subscription stack. If you have been thinking about subscribing or upgrading to paid, now is a great time because in August I am going to be sharing a special offer exclusively for paid subscribers. So again you can get something for free. You can also pay [e-mail]. just go to substack. Look for Secrets of Adulthood. And Elizabeth, we have to mention that you also have a substack newsletter. Talk about that for a second.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, we have a substack newsletter. We also answer Saturday questions on video. Once a week Sarah and I have a behind the scenes working lunch where it's just a live of us working for an hour, brainstorming, collaborating.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Sometimes people are like, do they know they're on camera.

[Elizabeth Craft]

We also have the first five where you can send us the first five pages of your script and we'll critique one a month. That's for paid subscribers. So lots of fun stuff at Happier in Hollywood on substack.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then speaking of, what are we reading, Elizabeth, what are you reading or listening?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I am listening to this American How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life by Liz Lenz.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I am reading permanence by Sophie McIntosh. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Celebrate Doggist for the dog in your life, Let us know. How did you celebrate Doggist? What did you do? We would love to hear.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thank you to our executive executive producer, Chuck Reed, who also has two dogs and everyone at Lemonada.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And here's your rhyming reminder. If you like the show, tell others you know.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward, Elizabeth. I wonder what Cat Month is. I feel like we should have mentioned all the people who, like Adam had cats, Jamie had cats. You and I are very allergic to cats. So we don't have cats in our lives right now. But people love cats.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, okay. Something to look up.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, something to look up.

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