97: We Read YOUR Embarrassing Dating Stories

Summary

Happy Wife Happy Life

Episode 97: We Read YOUR Embarrassing Dating Stories

Hosts: Kendahl Landreth & Jordan Myrick
Release Date: February 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this laughter-filled, candid episode, comedians and couple Kendahl Landreth and Jordan Myrick read listener-submitted embarrassing dating stories and share their own cringe-worthy moments from their relationship pasts. Amidst the vulnerable and hilarious confessions, the pair reflect on the messiness of dating, heartbreak, polyamory hypotheticals, and the social expectations tied to break-ups. Blending signature irreverence and warmth, Kendahl and Jordan affirm that everyone has their own collection of dating disasters—and that humor and community help us get through them.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Yearly Resolutions, Tough Starts, and Life Updates (00:35–16:18)

• New Year’s High Hopes: Kendahl and Jordan discuss how every year feels like a new beginning, noting that while 2025 was tough, 2026 is already feeling better—despite some turbulent events.
• Health Hurdles: Jordan recounts their recent sinus balloon surgery and the unexpectedly rough recovery, joking about how doctors always underplay pain as merely "uncomfortable."
  • Notable quote:
    Jordan (03:12): “They said in three days you’ll be feeling better…I thought that meant in three days you’ll feel fully better, which, once again, that’s never what it means.”
• Moving Mishaps: The duo share about almost moving into a new home, only to have the deal canceled last minute due to a bizarre HOA balcony regulation—which led to the stressful process of undoing their almost-move.
• Family Loss: Jordan shares news of their grandmother’s passing and the bittersweet support received from friends.
• Community Focus: They highlight the work of Hollywood Food Coalition and the legacy of Ms. Shirley from Beauty 2 the Streets, emphasizing the importance of supporting local mutual aid in difficult times (15:55–18:56).

2. Navigating Polyamory and “Adding a Third” (06:11–10:47)

• Kendahl and Jordan playfully discuss (theoretically) bringing a third into their relationship, joking about requirements for anyone joining (“has to be a sexy, successful surgeon-comedian”) and how jealousy or dynamic disruptions can play out.
• Notable quote:
  Kendahl (09:24): “If I was choosing a third with you, you have to be like a really sexy, stand-up, successful, stand-up comedian-level funny surgeon.”

3. Embarrassing Medical/Relationship Moments (16:19–19:18)

• Doctors with Personality: Stories about their “cool and fun” dermatologist—leading to jokes about her eligibility as a third in their relationship.
• Embarrassing Body Talk: Multiple asides about the awkwardness of medical procedures, body anxieties, and the classic, “can you check if I have a fever?” debates between couples.

4. Listener-Submitted Embarrassing Dating Stories (19:21–53:15)

Highlights from Listener Stories

• Creepy Researcher (19:37): A date found videos of someone’s childhood home before they’d even met.
  • Kendahl (19:52): “What’s scary is that they told them they did that…Doing it, no harm, no foul, right?...It's the telling that's weird.”
  • Jordan (20:00): Admits to pre-date Googling and even binging an hour-long comedy panel starring Kendahl before their first meeting.
• Fainting During a Hookup (20:33): Someone passed out mid-hookup with a Tinder match, sparking stories from both hosts about fainting or falling asleep during sex.
  • Memorable exchange (21:53):
    Jordan: “Did I go unconscious and then fart immediately?”
    Kendahl: “Did you ask?”
    Jordan: “I didn’t.”
• Peeing in the Date’s Car (24:41): A listener peed their pants during a first date car ride.
  • Kendahl (25:27): "That's really rough. You pee the seat of their car, that's rough because now there’s a lot of logistics."
• DoorDashing as a Date (27:39): Someone's date took them along on a DoorDash shift. Jordan defends DoorDash hustlers, sharing it runs in their family.
• Getting Dumped at a Mexican Restaurant (29:24): Not only dumped, but realized they’d only ordered one tamale.
  • Jordan (29:56): “Dumping people in public is crazy.”
• Hosts’ Own Breakup Stories (From 30:03 on):
  • Jordan shares getting dumped over pasta after being cheated on.
  • Kendahl tells of breaking up with an older server they’d idolized and the bad breakups that can come from young, mismatched relationships (again, “never meet your heroes!”).
  • Both question whether breakups should ideally happen in person or over the phone, ultimately making a case for phone breakups for short-term relationships.
    • Kendahl (47:03): “Breaking up with someone over the phone is good…It’s extremely respectful to not try to waste someone’s time.”

Hosts’ Most Embarrassing Personal Moments

• Falling Asleep During Sex: Both admit they've nodded off during encounters, particularly when too high.
• First-Date Nerves: Kendahl describes holding a bowl of uneaten pasta for their entire first date due to nerves, with Jordan finally asking hours in, “Do you want to eat that?”

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Doctors & Underplaying Pain (03:12):
  Jordan: “They said in three days you’ll be feeling better…I thought that meant in three days you’ll feel fully better, which, once again, that’s never what it means.”
• Polyamory Auditions (09:24):
  Kendahl: “If I was choosing a third with you, you have to be like a really sexy, stand-up, successful, stand-up comedian-level funny surgeon.”
• Dating Failures Are Universal (24:41):
  Jordan: “All that to say is to this person who fainted mid-hookup with a random Tinder person, we've all been there, don't worry about it.”
• On Breakup Logistics (47:56):
  Jordan: “It’s better [to break up] because…I'm not going to make you take your whole evening so I can break up with you…People want to have righteous anger.”
• Famous Last Words (46:12):
  Kendahl: “In 10 years, I’m going to be so famous, and you’re going to regret this.”

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Engaging/Relatable Reflections

• The hosts find common ground with listeners—everyone, no matter how confident, has embarrassing dating stories.
• They underline how important it is to approach breakups with kindness and efficiency, instead of “public dumping” or dragging out the process for closure.
• Both are honest about how hard it is to navigate jealousy and communication in non-traditional relationships, acknowledging they're “pair people” by nature, but embracing the curiosity.
• Ultimately, the sense of community—through shared stories and mutual support (as with the Hollywood Food Coalition)—serves as a recurring uplifting theme.

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• Sinus Surgery Horror: 03:00–06:11
• Polyamory Discussion: 06:11–10:47
• Hollywood Food Coalition/Community Work: 15:55–18:56
• Start of Embarrassing Stories: 19:21
• Hosts’ Breakup Stories: 30:03–49:08
• First Date Anecdotes: 52:32–53:15

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Tone and Language

Wry, irreverent, and unfiltered but always supportive, Kendahl and Jordan’s conversational style features lots of self-deprecating humor, a bit of playful bickering, and a real openness about queer dating, relationships, and the messiness of real life.

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Closing Thoughts

Jordan and Kendahl reassure listeners that embarrassing moments and rough breakups are universal, and that humor—and sometimes oversharing on a podcast—are the best ways to process them. They remind everyone to support their community, show up for local mutual aid, and never order just one tamale on a date.

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End of Episode Summary

Transcript

[A]

This episode is tmi. If you're one of our parents.

[B]

Stop. Stop listening.

[A]

Stop listening now. Welcome to Happy Wife, Happy Life.

[B]

We're your hosts. I'm Kendall Landria.

[A]

And I'm Jordan Myrick.

[B]

And we are two incredibly unqualified but.

[A]

Deeply in love comedians. We're here to help you with all things relationships. And on today's episode, we're reading your embarrassing dating stories. John, are you ready? There's a huge thank you so much. Oh my God.

[B]

Rolling your shoe. What? Oh my God.

[A]

John. This is what was on my shoe. I don't know. An old timey politician's wig is what it looks like.

[B]

Wait, keep that, George. That's going be worth a lot of money.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Where do they still wear.

[A]

Don't they? We were in Europe, in, in parts of Europe.

[B]

It's so funny because like we were watching vigil and it's like such a serious case. They're doing like, it's something so serious where it's like a war crime.

[A]

It's like a war crime. It's like a murder of an admiral on a submarine.

[B]

It's like so sad that it cuts to the court case and there's this.

[A]

Man in this wig. I'm like, this feels offensive.

[B]

Like if my child was like murdered and then the, the, the person was wearing that, the judge was wearing that, I'd be like, take that off this.

[A]

What do you think this is? Halloween?

[B]

Yeah. It's so, so crazy.

[A]

How dare you.

[B]

It feels like you're doing a bit. Like, it feels like they're doing a bit. They're like, play judge. Yeah. Any who?

[A]

Any who. We really were locked in. We were like, 2026 is going to be our year. 2025 was so bad.

[B]

You know what's sad though is we.

[A]

Do this every year.

[B]

Jordan and I are so passionate about New Year's resolutions. Like every single year we're like, everything is changing and I think it's good.

[A]

That we do them cuz I actually do think we achieve like everything.

[B]

Well, our life is incredible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean our, I mean we really are high achieving.

[A]

That's true. That's extremely true.

[B]

Well, no, because sometimes I can be hard on myself where I'm like, God, I don't accomplish anything. And then I have to like look around and be like, you've a very nice life. You've done well for yourself.

[A]

I think, I think most people feel that way. Most people are like, I've done anything. And then everyone's done so much.

[B]

Well, yeah. Because what do you really have to do? I'm like, all you have to really do is, like, work and then stay alive. Stay alive. Or then anything past that. So we came in with really high hopes for this year. I feel like, in general, the vibes are better this year.

[A]

Oh, the vibes are great for this year. I think the vibes are wonderful for this year. Nothing wrong with the vibes.

[B]

But there has been some unfortunate things that have happened already.

[A]

Well, I had my sinus surgery.

[B]

Drop below. Have you guys had this sinus surgery?

[A]

I think it's called. And I know this sounds wrong, but I think it is literally called a sinus balloon. Is plasti.

[B]

Bless you.

[A]

Thank you. And they put a balloon up your nose on either side, and they inflate it, and it basically crushes all of the cartilage inside of your nose. And what they don't warn you about is that you do hear it, and.

[B]

It goes, oh, God, Jordan. And it is rough.

[A]

I just thought they were like, oh, in three days, you'll be feeling better. I thought that meant in three days, you will feel. Feel fully better.

[B]

Which, once again, that's never what it means. It's never what it means. And I also. It was hard because Jordan kept being like, I'm supposed to feel better by now. And I was like, did we have the same meeting with the doctor? You are not supposed to be feeling better by now. You're supposed to be feeling better than you did right after the surgery. But she had said, in a month, you'll feel fully better. And Jordan kept me, like, call the doctor. Ask them what's going wrong. Something is wrong. I'm responding poorly to the surgery. I still feel sick. And I was like, yeah, and you're gonna feel that way for a really long time.

[A]

Yeah. So I got about two more weeks. Went to my follow up. Have a lot of inflammation. She said, that's normal, but it's why I don't feel good. Got about two more weeks.

[B]

But it was rough.

[A]

But it was rough.

[B]

It was rough. I feel like it was something where they don't. I don't know if doctors are, like, afraid to scare you, which makes sense. But also, if there's something scary that's about to happen to you, I would like to know. And I've had this before. You know, I've had this with. Is when they inject steroids into you for, like, a scar.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[B]

If you've had that, you guys. It's the worst pain I can even. It is so Bad. Well, you know what? Maybe it's just I had something. I. I have a scar on my back that's like right on my shoulder blade. And so Rita, my dermatologist, she's very beautiful. Don't roll your eyes. You know she's beautiful. Jordan and I share dermatologist.

[A]

She's my dermatologist too.

[B]

We. We share dermatologist. And Jordan and I. Let's just say we go to the dermatologist a lot. Just kidding. I'm not kidding. She's very pretty. Anyways, she injects the steroids to make the scar go away. And I think maybe because it's on a bone. Don't they say that about tattoos? Like, if you get it on a.

[A]

Bone, it hurts more.

[B]

Maybe that's why. But she was like, it's going to be a little pinch. And then I literally was like, I almost just blacked out. That was so painful. But I feel like before I've had. Where they just underplay how much something's going to hurt. And I feel like with this. They certainly did that. I'm like, stop. When you say the word uncomfortable to me. Oh, it's going to be uncomfortable. I don't think pain. I think it's going to be like. I guess uncomfortable is like if you're really stuffed up from something with your nasal stuff so you feel gross and you feel like, uncomfortable. I don't think uncomfortable. I'm in agonizing pain and can't breathe. Yeah.

[A]

I think I was told that I would be uncomfortable and I was in excruciating pain. And I think you're 100% right. That's weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why did the doctor say you'll be. But then we move back. She was like, everyone's different. I also have to remember that, like, I have an autoimmune disease.

[B]

But she was like, I've had it. It was horrible.

[A]

Yeah. But she rocked. She called me bitch in a fun way.

[B]

She did. I love.

[A]

That was awesome.

[B]

We were talking about it because, you know when you, like, most of the time you meet doctors, they're very.

[A]

Bad.

[B]

No, I wasn't going to say that. When you meet doctors, they're very. I'm sorry.

[A]

Boring.

[B]

It's like you're like, yeah, this is what you do. Like, you were the smartest person in your elementary school, middle school, and high school. And then you went to college. You were valedictorian. You're the smartest person ever. And no one's like, haha, laughing with you at cocktails. Like, You're a doctor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then ever so often you'll get a doctor who's like, so fun.

[A]

Cool and fun and cool and hot.

[B]

And this one was. And you're like, were you just like in college? I. I can't even picture how many people try to date you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, how did. You're so. You have it all. You really have it all. And then we were talking about thirds again, because I said, well, if we ever got a third. I'm like, well, you only get one third.

[A]

You said, can that doctor be. Be our third?

[B]

She was so clearly not gay, but.

[A]

Oh, you never know.

[B]

You never know. But she had to chat. A lot of tattoos and she called you. But that's kind of more of a gay man thing.

[A]

Anyways, ladies, is it gay when a woman calls you?

[B]

But I was saying, I was like, if we ever had a. If we ever, like, sat down and we're like, we're gonna get a third, I would be. It would be like America's Next Top Model auditioning.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would be taking it so seriously. Because I'd be like, we get one. We get. Because you're not doing a fourth or fifth. And this happens on all these. They do. But I. That's crazy. That's. That's insane. I mean, maybe. But I guess I feel like. And I see this on the shows that we watch, like Sister Wives or whatever they do. They're like, we'll have one. But then they meet a girl that's better. And they're like, well, now what do we do? We can't go past three.

[A]

I. I think you should do four. I think that's the problem. I think too many people are stopping at three.

[B]

If you're going to move up, you can go. Right?

[A]

But if you're going to move up, go four. Five. Bad again. Six.

[B]

Fine.

[A]

Sure. I think you got to have an even number. 8. Perfect. The perfect spot. No, but I'm like, if you have three.

[B]

Three is confusing. Three is confusing to me. And we've talked about this before. Anyone who's poly, drop it in the chat. What are we doing? Like, how are you not shit talking one of your partners to the other.

[A]

Partner or jealous or whatever?

[B]

Well, I. But I don't even know if jealous. Well, maybe especially because if you've been dating someone for a really long time and then you get a third, I'm like, there's gonna be more of a spark happening between the new people. Because that's like how the human body works. It's like, you're comfortable with someone versus it's new. But I'm always just like, how do you have to have such hard rules where you're like, if you're having a problem with that person, do not say anything to me. Because that makes a weird dynamic. But then I'm like, that's a weird dynamic that, like, I can't shit talk. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Because the one thing God put us on this earth in pairs. What I believe. And you know, that's what I believe, that God put us on this earth in pairs also, like, I know that's what I believe. To shit talk with your partner. Right.

[B]

And so it's like, if we had a third and they were being like, crazy, like, you know, having a day where it was like, oh, they're. They're on one today. We not look at each other and be like, yeah, but then if I was that person, I'd be like, you can't do that. That's not fair. But maybe they just all. I just don't get how arguments work. That's my question. I Even though. And I've watched a lot of reality TV shows, but I feel like they're not good examples because all the people on those shows are absolutely bonkers. But the fighting is always. Anyways, this is my point, is that if I was choosing a third with you, I would be like, you have to be like a really sexy, like, stand up, successful, stand up comedian level funny surgeon.

[A]

Yeah. Because you have to bring something. You and I are. Well, I would argue we're already incredible. You and I. You and I are already funny and already sexy. So you have to bring a new third thing that we don't have.

[B]

And you said when I brought it up about this woman, you went, and we don't have anyone medical. Yeah.

[A]

Right now my mom handles all our medical stuff because she's a nurse, but.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, we're not gonna have sex with my mom.

[B]

Okay, enough.

[A]

Anywho. And you guys know that about me. I'm not. God put me on this earth to not have sex with my mom.

[B]

But that was hard. That. Okay, let's move on. Just kidding. Isn't that the worst feeling when you say something kind of, you know, inappropriate.

[A]

And then with a joke and then your partner's rude to you about it?

[B]

All right, let's move on.

[A]

Yeah, that is the worst feeling.

[B]

All right, let's move on. 11, 11. Make a wish.

[A]

I wish Jordan wouldn't say such inappropriate things now. It's not going to come true. I have had sex with my mom.

[B]

Okay. All right. My going to say is that that surgery was hard. And then we literally. You guys. What?

[A]

Anyway, what I was going to say is that surgery for you is hard. Anyway.

[B]

Anyways, can we, like, stop talking about it? It's, like, exhausting. I mean, I lived it with you. I mean, I'm like, I'm over it. I'm just kidding. You can breathe better, though, now.

[A]

Yeah, I'm very congested. I basically feel like I have a really bad head cold. So I have, like, a sinus headache all the time. A low grade. Like a fever sometimes. No infection. She looked, but just a lot of inflammation. Kendall's like, Sheila. She's like, you don't have a fever, but you think you have a fever.

[B]

Well, because, Jordan, we will be. We will literally be, like, out at a dinner. Jordan's fully fine. Jordan has no symptoms of a fever. Jordan is ready to continue the night. Kendall, can you feel if I have a fever? Why?

[A]

And you, what about you?

[B]

I've never asked you if I have a fever. The podcast goes silent.

[A]

I never come back to change that. You've asked all the time.

[B]

I asked you.

[A]

Even Jordan.

[B]

Jordan goes, I'm a little hot, but I'm a little.

[A]

You are delusional.

[B]

You always ask me a fever way more than I do.

[A]

Anytime you don't feel good, you ask if you have a fever. Yeah, when I don't feel like. And you go, are you sure? Because I think I'm really sick.

[B]

Yeah, but the thing my point is, is that you ask when you're not even sick. You just, like, always think you have a fever, and then you hate when I take your temperature and then it says you have a perfect fever or you have a perfect temperature fever.

[A]

You're not.

[B]

You don't even know what you're talking about. You have a perfect temperature, and you're.

[A]

Like, I don't know.

[B]

I think we should check again. Anyways, enough of talking about you.

[A]

Can I say the other bad things that have happened to me recently? I had my sinus surgery. I'm still not well. We were moving into a new house at the last minute. We lost the house because of you guys. Truly a kooky reason. The balconies on this townhouse didn't meet, like, the legal standard of balcony, I guess.

[B]

So you literally couldn't buy it.

[A]

So you literally could not get a loan on it.

[B]

You just couldn't.

[A]

The whole house, it wasn't even the.

[B]

It wasn't even our unit.

[A]

It Was other units in the building. They're about the hoa.

[B]

But when I tell you we were in escrow, you guys, we were like, fully, like, we had things in boxes. Stuff was like. It was so ass. Honestly, like, we. I mean, because you also know, like, if you've ever moved, your house becomes a landfill because you're like, why would I clean my house clean? I'm going to move. Like, I. Our house was in such a bad way.

[A]

Two weeks.

[B]

And that was like, yeah, in two weeks. And so we were packing stuff up. We h. We were talking to people with movers. We canceled our gym membership near our house. Like, and then it just. Now we're not. It sucked. It honestly sucked so bad. We had. Jordan had a Pinterest board for every room in the house. We'd measured everything. We were buying furniture. Cuz we'd done the inspection. Everything was done. Like, like, literally it was set. Like, we did not prematurely do anything. We'd already done the inspection. Everything was great. And then at the last minute, the HOA came back with this. It was so wild. It sucked so bad.

[A]

Yeah. To be clear, there's much worse things going on in the world, obviously, but yeah, it just was. That was shitty. And then earlier it was just annoying.

[B]

Where you're like, oh, my God. Like, you, You. You know how much work it takes to move. And then at the. But the whole thing is like, but at the end of it, we'll move, so everything will be fine. And I'm gonna. I'm stressful, like, and I was behind on work. Jordan's behind on work because we're like, well, things are crazy right now because we're moving. And then at the end of it to just be like, well, let's unpack all these boxes and not move. It just sucked. It sucked.

[A]

Just wasn't a great feeling.

[B]

But we were over it.

[A]

But we're over.

[B]

We moved on.

[A]

We've moved on.

[B]

I found. I found. We found other places we're going to look at.

[A]

And then earlier this week, my grandma died.

[B]

All right, well, I'm sorry. Sorry I responded. Like, I just found out now. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

[A]

Kendall knew. What?

[B]

She forgot.

[A]

Oh, yeah. My grandma died. She and I were very close. She lived with my parents. Yada, yada, yada. You guys get it. It's a sad situation.

[B]

That's your speech at the funeral. Yeah, it's a sad situation.

[A]

So all that to say, January, coming in hot. Coming in hot.

[B]

February, I think is gonna be great.

[A]

Hey, February, let's Do it, girlfriend.

[B]

Let's do it, girl. No, it was a tough one. I love you.

[A]

Love you.

[B]

And I'm sorry for your month.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

I'm sorry for your month.

[B]

No, I know. I'm. I'm sorry.

[A]

And then also, I will say, then you add on top of that, everything that's going on in the world. Oh, my God. It's like, when will it end? But all that to say on a positive note, lot of really great people exist. Our friends have been so wonderful after my grandma died, that's been so kind and incredible, and there are so many wonderful people out in the world doing the work. Oh, yeah, this already exists. But speaking of good people doing good things, Hollywood Food Coalition, a charity that we've worked with for many years. Volunteered with for many years, love. They're doing a fundraiser. They do the most incredible work. Their main thing is that they provide meals for anyone in Los Angeles that needs a hot meal seven nights a week and really good food made by really incredible people. We have different options. We have dietary restriction options, typically. Like, we'll do a vegan or vegetarian meal. We normally have stuff for people who can't have gluten or nuts or whatever. Like, they really do think about it all. They will also provide people with other things if they have them, you know, blankets, tents, whatever they try to, like, provide. This is not one of their, like, listed services, so don't drop a bunch of stuff up there. But whenever they're able to get something to then give to someone consistently. I've seen them do that over and over again for years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then now they also have the exchange, which is where they take in food, particularly from businesses, local businesses or chain businesses or whatever, who will donate stuff to them. And then they disperse that to other charities in Southern California as well. So let's say, for example, my restaurant, Mama J's Pasta Hut, has a bunch of leftover rolls.

[B]

It's Fusion. It's Fusion.

[A]

It's Fusion. It's Fusion. It's Fusion. It's Fusion. We have a bunch of leftover rolls. For example, I, as the restaurant owner, might donate all those rolls, and then Hollywood Food Coalition would potentially distribute them to other charities who do meals for different people, whatever. So they do so many things. They're so incredible. They're such a vibrant presence in the city, and we need that, especially in light of, I have to say, Ms. Shirley just passed away, and y' all are probably familiar with her, but she did something called beauty to the streets. She's done it forever where she did hair and makeup for people living on the street. Started out doing trans women and helping provide them with things that they need that other places weren't giving to them because they were not seen as quote, unquote, real women. So they were not being provided with quote, unquote, women's clothes and makeup and things like that. And Ms. Shirley just passed away and we were so devastated to hear that. She was such an incredible woman who did so many incredible things for this city, who was so kind. I dealt with her personally a couple times and just like a really, really wonderful person. So sad to hear that. So all that to say is LA more than ever needs to show up for its people. We're doing a fundraiser for Hollywood Food Coalition. There might be a livestream option. Tbd. If there's not, you can always still go and make a donation. And you live in Southern California, buy a ticket. It's going to be a food demonstration.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

It's going to be so fun. A food demonstration where we are talking about how Hollywood Food Collision helps cut down on food waste while helping the community, which is so awesome. I'm going to be leading the demonstration with their chef, Will, who is wonderful. And we're going to have so much fun. And then the second half of the show is an improv show based off the food demonstration. Really fun, really silly. A bunch of people. You love me, Kendall, Lily, Do Kim, Yo Pornia, Oscar Montoya, Jacob Wysocki. Who else in the show? Angela Giratana. Like so many great people doing the show. It's going to be such an.

[B]

A great group because it's a great group because we're all. That's a group. Like we're friends. Those are all friends, you know. So it's going to be a really fun vibe and just a good, a good, good time.

[A]

It's going to be really fun. So go buy some live comedy. Yeah, go buy your tickets to that. If you don't live in the Southern California area, can't buy a ticket, just go donate to Hollywood Food Coalition. Yeah, just do it.

[B]

Yeah, it's amazing. They do such amazing work and so constantly. It's never ending. They're like constantly doing stuff and have been for a really long time and so we love working with them anyway.

[A]

That's uplifting and awesome. So go do that. Let's get into our stories.

[B]

We're.

[A]

We're reading your embarrassing dating stories that you sent us for some reason, I don't know why you guys sent us these. God bless you for doing it. But it's so funny to me. We're like, can we have your embarrassing dating stories? You're like, yeah, here's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm like, let's get in here. You ready, Ken?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I went on a first date on Hinge, and before I did that, they went online and they found videos of my childhood home from my dad's YouTube.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I wouldn't say that's an embarrassing dating story as much of a scary dating story.

[B]

You know, it's. It's. What's scary about it is that they.

[A]

Told them they did that, and that's the truth. Because doing it, no harm, no foul, right?

[B]

Because I'm searching. I mean, a little Google, especially before I went on my first date with you, I had watched a full panel. You did? I watched an hour long comedy panel Jordan did at Lexicon, like the gayest sentence I've ever said. And you weren't even talking for most of it. But I just, like, watched the full panel and was like, I am in love with this person.

[A]

Yeah, but that's okay. You didn't tell me that until we were in love, so then it was fine.

[B]

Yeah, I told you that on our wedding day.

[A]

You can't be telling people that.

[B]

No, you can't.

[A]

This person said that they fainted mid hookup with a random person from Tinder.

[B]

Oh, my God. That is horrible.

[A]

That's also scary. That's really scary. You better worry the Tinder person's a good person or else something bad could happen.

[B]

Well, you probably wake up pretty fast, but I mean, it's probably just from exertion. I mean, I know what I. But I actually. I fallen asleep during sex one time.

[A]

Well, I was also. I have an embarrassing story as well.

[B]

Well, I wasn't going to say that.

[A]

Wait, what are you thinking of? Oh, okay, fine. No, no, I'm sorry.

[B]

I thought that's what you were talking about. No, I assumed you forgot any experience you had having sex with someone else.

[A]

I know. Well, I did in a way, but I only remember this one because it was so embarrassing.

[B]

What?

[A]

So? Yes, famously. Now, thanks for the reminder. No, we can get that out twice during a hookup. Once with Kendall and once with another person. Don't call it a hookup. A hookup with my wife. When I. I love to hook up with my wife. A long time ago, I fainted during a hookup. And when I was like, I felt myself going lightheaded and then I fainted. Then I came to, but my first thought. I remember and this is so embarrassing. I can't believe I'm telling you guys this. I remember during the hookup being like, kind of feel like I have to go to the bathroom. And I remember when I came to for. From the hookup, I was like, oh God, did I go unconscious and then fart immediately?

[B]

Did you ask?

[A]

I didn't. Because it wasn't like that without you didn't.

[B]

You wouldn't have. We have to just believe that. I have to assume. Believe that.

[A]

I have to assume that I didn't and I wouldn't have. But what I will say is we stopped seeing each other almost immediately after that.

[B]

Did you really like them?

[A]

No.

[B]

You said, I can't.

[A]

I can't let myself like them. Can't think about where I'd be right now. No, I. No. And we should not have been seeing each other. So it was not. It like, it. It. We were not a good pairing. Like it there. But I.

[B]

Did they know you fainted? Were you like. I just fainted.

[A]

I. I fell over. I went unconscious.

[B]

Did they wake you up?

[A]

I came too.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I like went on. I went limp and they like caught me and then I like came to.

[B]

Were you standing?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You wouldn't have farted then.

[A]

You've never farted standing. I'm saying 90% of your farting is while standing.

[B]

Don't speak about my farting. No, I'm just like. It feels like you're in a less of a position to just like fart. Right.

[A]

As opposed to what?

[B]

Well, I was picturing you like on hands and knees or something.

[A]

Why were you picturing me on hands and knees?

[B]

Hey, not the first time I pictured it. I was just saying, like, that's what I was picturing. Like, you know, I was picturing you on his knees, like doing something to someone.

[A]

That's very funny. No, I was standing, but I have.

[B]

I actually had a really clear picture in my head. And then. So I was picturing you painting and then farting about like doggy style.

[A]

Well, I can't believe I'm talking about this. I really thought I would never tell anyone that. And here we are. Here we are, honey. You host a podcast long enough and you'll share everything.

[B]

I fell asleep one time while having sex, but. But I remember like looking back and being like. I think I should have been more embarrassed by that cuz I thought it was like. So I. Well, I was high off.

[A]

I was about to say I've certainly fallen asleep during sex when under the influence.

[B]

Cuz I think that was part of the problem. Sorry, this is tmi. I was eating someone out and I was so high and I kept falling asleep, but then I was like, kept kind of waking up and being like, no, I'm still going. Yeah, let, please let me.

[A]

It's like when my mom falls asleep. Fall asleep on the couch. Not your mom, but anyone's mom. When anyone's mom falls asleep on the couch and you're like, go to sleep. You're asleep, go to your bed.

[B]

And she's like, no, I'm not, I'm.

[A]

No, no, I'm not. I'm not asleep.

[B]

No way. Eating. Someone kept being like, no, no, I'm still going. It was like. And I think the whole time I was like moving my tongue, but in a way that was like half asleep.

[A]

You know, just like not crazy. Yeah.

[B]

And finally I feel like they're like, it's okay, just go to sleep. But I remember not being embarrassed at all. I think maybe because I looking back, I was so high, I was just like, whatever. And then years later I was like, was that really embarrassing? And I just didn't think that was embarrassing.

[A]

All that to say is to this person who f admitted hookup with a random tender person. We've all been there, don't worry about it. Ooh, this is a rough one. This person accidentally peed their pants on a first date in a car. The dates car.

[B]

That is horrible.

[A]

And they had to drive an hour and a half home and it smelled like pee. They didn't say that it did you think? I don't think.

[B]

How much did they pee their pants?

[A]

That's a good question.

[B]

If it was like, haha, I laughed and I peed a little, no big deal.

[A]

I mean, no, they're. They're bringing it up, so I have.

[B]

To assume then it was on the.

[A]

Seat and they said that as well.

[B]

Oh my. First of all, why did you have an hour and a half drive on a first date?

[A]

Some people live in the middle.

[B]

And then why'd you pee yourself?

[A]

Some people live in the middle of nowhere. God themselves.

[B]

That's awful.

[A]

That's really rough. Because you know those things.

[B]

It's like you just can't date that person. And you just have to like, that's embarrassing. Like it's really not a big deal. But you have to know for the rest of that person's life. They'll probably tell people, like, I went on a first date and she peed in my car.

[A]

Yeah, they wrote into this podcast as well and they were. Their embarrassing story is about you. I also think that it's like you pee yourself. I think if you have enough charm and charisma, you can be like, ha ha, this is nuts. And it can be funny and we can all have a good laugh. You pee the seat of their car. That's rough because now there's a lot of logistics that go into that situation.

[B]

You need to get that shampooed.

[A]

Yeah, you have a lot of logistics going into the situation that it's no good in.

[B]

That scent is. I mean, that will you have to roll the. Do you hear my stomach?

[A]

No.

[B]

Got shy. Yeah, I held the mic to it, but it got shy. My stomach is growling.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Inconstantly.

[A]

Okay, I'll get you lunch.

[B]

We only get me my minutes of the podcast. I want my honey mustard mustard chicken wrap from.

[A]

I'll get you a wrap as soon as we're done. Oh my God. This woman hates to work. Want to become a better cook and save time? It's time for hello Fresh. Skip the stress over meal planning, shopping and cooking. Pick from over 100 HelloFresh recipes each week and make a delicious meal that's done in 30 minutes. With quality ingredients like sustainably sourced seafood, antibiotic free chicken and seasonal produce, HelloFresh has something for everyone at your table. Our family loves HelloFresh specifically. Lately we've been hooked on the Black Bean Crunch wraps. They are addictive. The recipes are so easy and quick and you can keep the recipe cards to recreate the recipes later. I also love that everything is pre portioned so you can just get in the kitchen and start doing your thing. Eat a great meal and get your nights back with HelloFresh. Go to HelloFresh.com HappyWife10FM to get 10 free meals plus a free Zwilling knife on your third box. That's a 144.99 value offer. Valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only and varies by plan. This person says a man thought it would be quote unquote fun to take me on a first date where I went door dashing with him.

[B]

Listen, the grind doesn't stop. And I'll tell you, doordashing is not door dashers. Especially now. It's competitive. If you slack for two seconds, you're not gonna be a top dasher anymore, honey. And that's gonna do that because my mom is a doordasher. My mom's a let Me. Say that again. My mom was a top dasher. Yeah, honey.

[A]

And you used to dash.

[B]

And I used to be doordasher. It's a. It's a generational.

[A]

Generational. That's true.

[B]

My grandmother.

[A]

Well, I was a doordasher. My culture is doordashing. Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

My mom is incredible, but my mom, I'm telling you, it's a fucking art. These people. It used to be a joke. Used to be something a teen could do. Not anymore. My mom's got equipment in her backseat. Special guys, because people are ordering Sundays, people. Wienerschnitzel in the middle of the.

[A]

One of the craziest things that Kendall's mom has ever told us. Middle of July, someone will order, like, a singular banana split or ice cream cone from, like, Dairy Queen. And then they live 30 minutes away.

[B]

I'm like, my mom's carrying. It is dripping down her hand. And then they're like.

[A]

And then they're back.

[B]

My ice cream was affected by the sun.

[A]

But I'm just genuinely an evil person.

[B]

It's evil. I think people just don't think. They just don't. They think. They think that everything is AI generated even before AI existed. Like, they just think anything you do on the computer, it's like a real person's not doing it, but it is a real person doing it. It's my mom. So be nice to your doordash driver. But my mom, literally, I'm telling you, it's a grind because they. If you get moved, especially if you live in a certain area, if you get moved from being a top dasher, you're not gonna be able to get a shift. So is it embarrassing to take someone on a first date to doordash? It is, but you also have to respect it.

[A]

This one really makes me laugh.

[B]

What?

[A]

I was dumped in a Mexican restaurant, and then the food came, and I realized I had accidentally ordered just one singular tamale.

[B]

Well, that's probably good because you probably didn't want to eat a whole plate of tamales after you got dumped.

[A]

Imagine you think an entree is coming, right? You're like, okay, well, an entree is coming. You're like, mid being dumped. You're like, we're both getting food. They get a normal thing, right? They get, like a plate. It has two enchiladas, rice, beans, whatever. You come. You have just a practically nude small to medium sized white ceramic plate, and one naked tamale is on top of it.

[B]

Devastating.

[A]

That's really funny to me.

[B]

Dumping people in public is crazy.

[A]

Dumping people in Public is unhinged. And this is something that Kevin and.

[B]

I have been dumped in public many.

[A]

Many times, hundreds of times, thousands of times. One of my specialties, I would argue. No, let me think. Let me think about the ways that I've been dumped. So these are, like the. I feel like the big, big hits. The greatest hits of me. Of me ending relationships.

[B]

I.

[A]

My high school boyfriend, who I dated for a very long time on and off, and was in a very tumultuous bad relationship to varying levels. Is the. Is.

[B]

Is the vague way to say it.

[A]

Is the vague way to say it. He broke up with me so many times over the phone or whatever, we'd always get back together. But then the crazy thing was, the last time we broke up, he cheated on me with one of my best friends at the time, who I'm obviously not friends with anymore. He cheated on me with her. And this was. I was a senior in high school about to go to college, and he was already in college. And devastatingly, we were going to the same college.

[B]

And that was part of your decision?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, good.

[A]

What I will say is he encouraged me to apply to that college, which was nyu. I was not going to apply because I could not afford to go to school there. And I also did not think I would get in. And he was like, apply, apply, apply. Just apply, apply, apply, whatever. And I was like, okay. So I applied, I auditioned, and then I got in. And then my parents were like, okay, well, we didn't think you would get in either, but we'll help you, and we'll take out a bunch of loans. And then my grandma was like, I will also take out someone to, like, help you pay for college. Um, because my parents were like, well, if they think you can do it, then who are we to say that you should, like. Really very kind. So he encouraged me to do it, but he was not part of my decision. Because he had been so unstable for so much of our relationship, I wasn't basing anything off of him. I think in my mind, obviously, there was a part of me that was like, well. And we had not been in the same city for years. I was like, well, now that we're in the same city, I think it will, like, go back to being more normal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But that was not why I decided to go. It is ultimately, like, the best acting school in the country, and I couldn't not go once I got in. And it's a huge school, so I didn't even really see him. He was not an actor. We were not even in the same program. Whatever. Like, so it didn't really matter. But he cheated on me, like maybe a month before I went to school. He cheated on me and then dumped me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I found out from her that he had cheated on me. But they were both like, no, but it's okay because we're in, in love. It wasn't just like a one time cheat hookup. And to me that's so much worse. I'm like, if you're like, yeah, we got drunk and accidentally hooked up at a party. I'm like, still upset, but it's not the same as, like, what now I'm gonna have to see you guys posting pictures with each other all the time. Whatever. All this to say. To answer your question, he insisted we go to Oto, a Mario Batali restaurant that specialized in pasta. Mario Batali has since been canceled, but he was not at this time. This was when, like, this was the restaurant. He insisted we go to this pasta restaurant. He had taken me to this pasta restaurant multiple times while we were dating when I would go to visit him. So we hadn't talked now in like weeks, maybe months. He was like, please, please, can we go to Oto?

[B]

You're broken up at this point?

[A]

Yes. He's like, please, can we go to Oto? I'm like, okay, we go to Ocho, we sit down, we order the pot. How are you? How are you? Okay. I'm like, oh. He's going to ask to get back together as he has many times. Order my pasta, whatever.

[B]

Excited? Were you ready to be like, yes. No.

[A]

But I also wasn't ready to say no. There was also a lot of like, drug and like mental health factors. There was like a lot of stuff going into it. So it was a very convoluted situation. And I did care for him very deeply. But so we're sitting here, we order our pasta, and like, as the waiter is like, we're just like making chit chat. So I'm like, what is this about? As the waiter, from afar I see him, he's like starting to come towards us with the pasta, right? Like, that's how long we've just been chit chatting. It's like the food's made. He's like walking towards us from far away with the pasta and my excerpts being like, I just wanted to bring you to dinner to make sure you understand that I am in love with her and not in love with you. And then the waiter like sets the pasta down and I start crying. So what do I do? Instinctively look at the waiter and go, I need you to know that I'm crying. Not because I'm crazy, but because he is an asshole. And the waiter is like, that makes sense to me. And I was like, thank you so much. Huge. Did me a huge favor in that moment. So he left. Whatever. And I just freaked out. I was like, why did you bring me to a fancy Italian restaurant that we went to multiple times when we were dating on nice dates to tell me that you're not in love with me, A person that you cheated on and dumped, who you now have nothing.

[B]

Did you leave?

[A]

Who has not? I ate my pasta and then I left.

[B]

Did he pay?

[A]

Of course he paid.

[B]

I can't believe you finished your pasta.

[A]

I was hungry, and I think I. Well, I think I just berated him the whole time while I ate my cachoe pepe bucatini. And then I was like, you better tip the waiter, like, 40%. And I watched him and made him tip the waiter a bunch of extra money because that's an uncomfortable situation for a waiter. So that happened. That's one of the times that I'm thinking of.

[B]

That is insane.

[A]

I broke up with my college boyfriend, who, bless his heart, so sweet. We just, like, weren't compatible. Once again, I'm gay also. I think he was very calm and relaxed. I'm very, like, type A and very, like, alpha. And it just, like, once again, even though I hadn't been gay, I think wasn't, like, a great match, but he was so sweet. Every interaction I've had with him since we've broken up has, like, still been sweet. I broke up with him outside of a racquetball court, but he, like, did not care. So it's like, I broke up, but he also was fine with it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who else have I dated? Those are the two kind of, like, big ones. Trying to think, oh, another one. My boyfriend after college. My last boyfriend. My swan song, My piece de resistance.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Is that romantic?

[A]

No, like, the final. Like, the finale of Men. I dated before. I was like, I'm fully gay and not bisexual.

[B]

In French, everything sounds romantic. I was like, what does that mean? The love of your life?

[A]

Yeah, my piece de resistance with the love of my life. My ex boyfriend. He was like. We had literally just gotten back from France, and we had an argument right before we left France, but we took two separate flights home for some reason. I don't remember why. Like, it was, like, predetermined. And I was like. He was like, hey, come over. And I was like, great. Do you want me to pick up food? And he was like, yeah. So I ordered, like, $40 worth of Mexican food for him and I and then got to his apartment, and he immediately was like, I have to break up with you. And I was like, why in the world would you let me order you and I $40 worth of our favorite Mexican food and then come here and then before we eat it, did you.

[B]

Just take it all? Probably.

[A]

Or maybe I left it and made him Venmo me for it. I don't really remember what happened.

[B]

God.

[A]

But I'll ask him. He's a comedian. I see him sometimes still. He and I are friendly. He and I are totally friendly. I. Kim, I'll ask him next time I see him what I did. And if he didn't Venmo me, then I'm going to make him Venmo me in the moment the next time. So I'll keep you guys updated on that. If he's listening to this, you shout out him Venmo me. If you haven't. Those are, like, three of the big hits. Everything else I felt like was pretty chill. I did have two breakups with two of these people in. On separate trips to Paris, as you know, famously right. But they were things for people with people I ended up getting back together with. So it was. Was.

[B]

Well, now that I'm thinking about it, I actually did. I broke up with someone in public.

[A]

I thought you were gonna say me. I was like, wait, I brought up with you.

[B]

Why are we still together? Help me. Wait a minute.

[A]

I just remembered. I had a flashback. I broke up with you.

[B]

I actually remembered. I broke up with. I broke up with a girlfriend I had. It was quick, but it was very serious. She was a lot older than me, and I broke up with her at a bar. And it actually. Think back.

[A]

I like her.

[B]

I know. I know. I don't know. I was. I don't know how I made that happen. I. I begged her to date me, too. I, like, literally was like, I'm in love with you. Please, please date me. Because she was a. She was a server at the restaurant I worked at. And at the time, I wasn't a server. I was a host. And so she. You know what I think it was? This is horrible. But it's like, she would. She just. She was so, like, confident, and she was a lot. She was like 10 years old, my senior is what I wanted to say. I've been reading too Much historical fiction.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was 10 years my senior and I would just watch her walk the floor and serve. And she's so confident, you know, like, whatever. And she just. I. I would just look at her and I think in my head, it was almost like a celebrity crush. I was like, especially at that time, I was like 18. I felt like a five year old. Like, I felt.

[A]

So there's no way that energy of like, they feel famous.

[B]

She is famous. And she would never, like, talk to me but then ever soften. You should come over. And she's like, can you seat them at table four? And I would be like, okay. I would, I would try it for you. I would literally drive before I would.

[A]

Do anything for you.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I was like, upset. I was like obsessed with her. But it felt so disconnected to, like, reality that even I would tell people we worked with. I'd be like, well, I'm in love with her. I'm literally in love with her because.

[A]

She'S talking about Idris Elba.

[B]

Yes. I was like, there's no world in which we ever. Anything happens. And then it was like. But, you know, I was also kind of. I had a lot of confidence. I mean, that's how we got together is. I was like, you're gonna love me.

[A]

You take a big swings.

[B]

And I kind of had this, especially at that age, a little bit of an asshole energy when it came to dating women where I would, I would, I, like, I would. Especially after we worked together for a long time, I was like, well, you know, I'd marry you if you'd let me, whatever. And she kind of just eventually was like, okay, all right, let's go on a date. And I was like, what? And. And then it was kind of like the, the. It was just like, you never meet your. Never meet your hero.

[A]

Never meet your hero.

[B]

I feel like she was great. She was great. Like, she really was great. I just was not ready to be in a serious relationship. I was like an idiot. I was. She was way older than me. She was in a way different place in her life. She was like. And she was an adult and I was a child. What it was. And so, not to be clear, not a child. Like, she should get arrested like a child. Like, I just, I was immature mentally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I think I. She was really mad at me, rightfully so, because I had kind of been like, I love you. I mean, we were past it. We said I love you. We were very serious.

[A]

Crazy. And then I did date for like one second.

[B]

We Dated for maybe three months, but it was. It was the closest thing I've ever done to a U Haul. It was like, we were. And then the breakup was really, really bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But mostly it was just me being like, God, I'm really sorry. I really screwed the pooch on this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I asked her to a bar. But I think part of it now that I feel ridiculous saying it, because I was like, why would anyone do that? But I think in the moment, I felt so bad. Like, I felt going into breaking up with her, I was like, I have been such a complete idiot. Like, I. I have gotten. This situation has gotten way out of hand. I've, you know, pushed this way too far. I don't want her to have to do anything. So I was kind of like, I don't want to invite her to my house because then she has to come to my. There was just.

[A]

It's hard to break up. It's hard to break up.

[B]

Yeah. And I didn't want to, like, make her. Then she's in my house, and then it's like, well, what? I asked her to leave my house and, like, things like, I would never ask her to, like, get. It's like you're trying to tell them you're coming over to be broken up with without telling them you're coming over to be broken up with.

[A]

You say, hey, can you come over? But can you bring a pack of tissues? And make plans after. But not plans that you can't look good for. Make plans like, you gotta go to the close friend. Your best friend's house after. Something like that.

[B]

So I did do that, actually.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like every relationship I've been in with a woman has ended very. Either just, like, kind of fizzled, both of us went our own separate directions, or I was like, on again, off again with someone for a little bit, and then finally we were like, okay, it's off again.

[B]

Have I ever told you I've never had that. I've always. My breakup. Well, I've only ever dated women, but they've all been, I would say, kind of dramatic.

[A]

Yeah, well, no, no, One of them wasn't any bad breakups. By the time I got to a point where I felt like women were open to dating me, I guess, because, I mean, I've talked about this before, but it's like, for a long time it was like, especially being 32, like, now everybody's gay and everyone's all over the spectrum. But, like, when I was in high school, in college and stuff, it Just wasn't like that. It was like, occasionally I would meet a lesbian who was not interested in dating anyone who wasn't a lesbian, which is totally fine. But I was identifying as bisexual, so I was like, okay, well, I'm down for the count on that one. So I would only really be able to, like, hook up with people. But then finally, when there was, like, a cultural shift, and then I also was like, oh, I'm gayer than I'm. I'm gayer than I'm not. You know, at first I was like, okay, I'm gonna make this jump. But I already had so many bad breakups by that point that I was like, well, that's another thing, too.

[B]

I'm like, oh, I've had a lot of bad breakups. But I'm like, I also just had breakups when I was 20, 19. I'm like, what are you. You know. But I was gonna say, I can't know. I can't remember if I've told this story on the podcast, so apologies if I haven't, but it's short. I One breakup that was a long relationship. We'd been together for a while.

[A]

This was that girl that hated you. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

She. She. Here's what I'll say to the. To the most she could. She liked me as a friend. I think she adored me as a friend. I think we should have been friends.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Now we don't align him. Anyways, we wouldn't be friends, but we should have been friends. And. And we were. And that's what kept it going song because we had so much fun together. But it was just like. It wasn't romantic. Well, it was for me. But anyways, when we broke up, we were outside of a Starbucks and we'd left a dinner with her friends, and it was like one of the. It was like a thing where I had. Basically, she had been like, I'm coming over. Let's have a date night. I'm coming over. And I was like, great. And I remember I ordered, like, so much sushi, like 150 worth of sushi.

[A]

Which was huge for you because you were.

[B]

I didn't. Had no money or I had infinite money because I was putting it all in credit card. So I said, I'll buy you a million dollars. So I got all this sushi. And I remember I put. It's so embarrassing. I'd like set up a thing Risk. I'd like set up a cute thing. I'm not even gonna say what it was. I just Set up a thing. It's like. It's like, actually too embarrassing.

[A]

Was it to eat the sushi off your body?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, that's what I thought. I thought you were gonna say you set up one of those things, like when you hire a woman to lay and eat sushi off her. I've never done that. But that's on tv. That's what I said.

[B]

That's the worst way to get broken up with.

[A]

You have sushi all over. That's the worst way to get broken up with.

[B]

No, it was just like, she was, like, feeling homesick. And I'd made. Like, where she's from has kind of a specific theme. And I kind of vibed it out anyways.

[A]

I see. I see.

[B]

It was just like. I put in effort. It was clear. She walks in and it's kind of like, oh, I didn't say this, but, like, I'm not gonna be able to stay very long because I have dinner with friends. I was like, yeah, that's crazy. You're coming over at 5pm and you have dinner with friends. I hate when people do shit like that. Yeah, I'm like, what do you mean? You're here all night? If I have a friend's like, I'm coming over at 6. I'm like, yeah, well, you're gonna be here till midnight. What are you talking about? Like, that's so crazy. Like, oh, and I'm gonna pop in and out so I have all this set up, and she clearly feels bad, and she's like, well, you could come to dinner with me. That's like, what our whole relationship was. Well, you could come. And then me going, okay, great. And so then I came to dinner, and then we just started getting in an argument about whatever. And then it was like, we'd broken up a million times and got back together. Broken up a million times. And outside of Starbucks, this was like our final. No, our final breakup. I ended up doing over text because I was so done. And my friend was next to me and he was like, just send it. Just say it.

[A]

Just am. I have something. Put a pin in that.

[B]

Because I was gonna say about that, but we. We'd broken up so many times. I was like, it doesn't matter anyways. This time, though, we're staying outside of Starbucks and she breaks up with me. And I remember I went, In 10 years, I'm gonna be so famous, and you're gonna regret this.

[A]

And you weren't wrong.

[B]

I don't know if I'm so famous, but I Still have time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We got in 10 years.

[A]

It hasn't been 10 years. It's been, you're not so famous.

[B]

But no, it's six years. And I would say I'm a micro, I'm a micro influence.

[A]

You'. You're, you're notable. That's what I'll say. It's been six years and you're notable.

[B]

And she's not. Honey.

[A]

And who knows if she regrets it.

[B]

But I'm saying I've got four more years to be so famous.

[A]

Yeah. Clock.

[B]

It's like such a thing to say. It's also so funny because I'm like, as if that I, I. But I'm like, you know, I think if I get a certain level, you know why I said it to her? Because she would care. You know what I mean? I was like, if I'm famous, some people, I'd be like, you're not.

[A]

You don't care. You don't care.

[B]

But I was like, if I am really famous in 10 years, it will eat you alive.

[A]

Yeah, that's rough.

[B]

So that's what I'm working towards when we talk about drive. That's my drive.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. That's why you're on your grind.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I was gonna say that. I think breaking up with someone over the phone is good and a lot of people have a problem with that. But I'm like, I could not break up with you over the phone because you and I have too much going on. We're married, we own an apartment, we whatever, like all those things. It's like you have stuff you have to figure out if you have been dating someone for three months and you find an appropriate time, not in the middle of their work day or whatever, you find an appropriate time to have a phone call, which to me, I would say 6:30 to 7:00 clock at night, not middle of the night, but also not so early that they still have stuff they have to do the rest of the day or like first thing on a Sunday, so they got all day to process. I love the phone.

[B]

I think it's better because. And I know that's a hot take, but I think breaking up on the phone is way better because I'm like, all the stuff we've been talking about. I'm gonna invite you to a dinner. I'm gonna make you come over to my house.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm gonna make you take your whole evening so I can break up with you.

[A]

People think it's cowardly, but I'm Like, I actually think it's very respectful text.

[B]

I think it's not cowardly text is crazy, but I think it actually comes from people wanting to feel in a breakup like you did wrong, and they actually want to see you in person so they can, like, make you.

[A]

They want to have righteous anger.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And feel very justified.

[B]

How dare you break up with me over the phone? It's a cowardly way to do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't think it is, because that's what I struggled with when I. Whenever I broke up with someone, I was like, how do I do this without, like, wasting your time?

[A]

Well, I think that's the thing. I think it's extremely respectful to not try to waste someone's time. So I think if you're in a relationship where you're not like. Like, it's different if you're super serious, you guys have things together, whatever. But I'm like, if you've just been seeing each other over the phone, I think is very respectful because the reality is I don't want to see you in person. And even if I feel like I do sometimes, that's because I maybe want to beg for it to not give.

[B]

People want it to be like, I'm there. And then when I'm in front of you, I have more power to, like, make this happen.

[A]

And it's not good, because if someone wants to break up with you, even if they're wrong, it's. They should still do it. It's not good that they're. That they're wanting to break up with you. So it should end. At least for now, you can get back together, but it should end. And I think it's respectful to be like, hey, I'm not going to force myself on you. I'm not going to come into your apartment. I'm not going to make you come to my apartment. I'm not going to take you to a public location. Like, I'm doing this in a way that kind of creates to me as little harm and distress and inconvenience as possible. Because I'll tell you what, right now, I went on a date with someone where we went on a date, had a actually really nice time, went to dinner, had so much fun, came back to my place, made out a little bit, really nice, whatever. We both seemed excited about it. Then they were like, text me tomorrow. And I was like, okay. So I texted them tomorrow. They never responded. I never heard back. I was like, how dare you, first of all, tell me to text you? And then not respond. Loser behavior. And also, it's like, I know this was a person that I, like, knew through comedy. I still. Who still is in comedy?

[B]

I'm like, can you tell me?

[A]

Not someone you would. Oh, you do know who. It's not someone you know? Well, it's. I'll tell you after. It's not something you know. It really doesn't matter. But I was like. I was like, what a weird situation. Then, like, literally six months later, they texted me and they were like, I'm so sorry. Everything got really crazy for me. Can I take you to coffee?

[B]

Oh, wait, you did tell me this. I don't remember who.

[A]

Because you did something with them. Kind you. You worked on a project with them kind of recently. Once again, this was years. This was years and years and years ago. But you're not going to care once you find out who it is. It's so inconsequential. You don't even. You don't even remember that this person. Person exists. So it doesn't matter. But. So six months later, they were like, can I take you to coffee? I'm so sorry. Stuff got crazy. Obviously. I'm like, eye roll. But I'm like, sure, whatever. We had a nice time. And stuff does get crazy. Whatever. Like, you never know what's going on with people. So I was like, okay, sure, you can meet me at this coffee shop. Shop right next to my apartment. Because I was like, I'm not traveling far. We go to this coffee shop. And basically they were like, I'm just not in a place to date right now. And I was like, I don't care. I don't care. We're not dating. We went on one date. You goes to meet. Which also, once again, when you're in the same field as someone, like, learn the hustle a little bit better. Like, like, don't ghost someone you're gonna have to see because you're both, like, in the same scene. It's just, like, not good. Like, we went on a date. They easily could have been like, oh, you know what? This. I. I realized I'm not in a place to date. And I would have been like, that's totally fine, whatever. So I'm like, but like, why did you waste my time and make me come to this place so you could tell me that you're not in a place to date six months after we went on a singular date, that nothing came? I'm like, what is wrong with you? But that's very inconsiderate to me. And I'M sure in their mind, to give them some credit, they were probably like, well, I should say something in person. Whatever. Time is money, baby. Especially mine. And so I was like, don't you dare. We're almost done with the episode. I'm gonna say the final one. One time, I accidentally took a girl to a coffee shop, but instead of it just being a regular coffee shop at the time, they were hosting a Pokemon tournament. I think that's extremely funny and cute. I think that's a fun, embarrassing date story. Because if the date goes well.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How fun and so fun is that?

[B]

That's super fun. Do you have ever any embarrassing dates, you and I?

[A]

No. I feel like the only embarrassing date thing that ever happened with us is that on our first date, you made that bowl of pasta, and then you just held it like a waitress the whole four hours we were on a date. And then finally, like, multiple hours into our date, I was like, do you want to eat that? And you were like, no, it's okay. It's cold now. And then later, you told me that you didn't eat it because you had gotten nervous. Nervous, which was cute.

[B]

I was so nervous.

[A]

That's the closest it's gotten.

[B]

I really. I feel like, well, maybe we're just not embarrassed. I feel like embarrassing stuff probably happens to us all the time.

[A]

We're not people that get embarrassed very easily. First and foremost, when we dated. But you also. You do embarrassing stuff all the time.

[B]

I'm very embarrassing.

[A]

But you're not embarrassed by it.

[B]

No. Well, I can't be, or I'd combust. I'd combust. I'd be. So I put my foot in my mouth a lot.

[A]

Yeah, you do.

[B]

And it's really impressive, and it takes a lot of flexibility, but Jordan finds it embarrassing when I do that at the Pokemon tournament coffee shop.

[A]

All right, well, this has been another am I amazing so myself incredible episode.

[B]

It's so funny you started saying that.

[A]

That is such a funny.

[B]

Yet another amazing episode.

[A]

You know what it comes from, though? It's like. It's time to end the episode. And I think, God, I had a good time. Awesome. My stomach's growling.

[B]

Really? No, literally, my stomach is.

[A]

Time for us to go.

[B]

Did you see my eyes dim a minute ago? Like, it was like.

[A]

It's happened during the episode. You're done. So we have to end so I can go take Kendall to lunch. But thank you so much for listening, as always. Every Monday, you have a new episode anywhere. You get your podcasts and on YouTube or you can join our Patreon, which has a bunch of different levels that offer a bunch of different things, like early episodes, ad free episodes, bonus episodes, bonus content, whatever it is. You can help Kendall and I fund this fully independent podcast that Kendall and I make and pay for fully by ourselves. Blake, our editor and producer, edits it, and John is here with us on set. But Kendall and I make the whole thing all alone, no production company. Don't we deserve money?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Happy Monday.

[B]

Happy Monday. Wait, when does this come out? Could you still vote? Oh, my God. Wait, I have to tell everyone. You have to vote for me for a Queerty.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we'll keep posting about that other thing. Kendall's over a Queerty for Best Dick Talker, and you can vote every single day. And you have to vote for her, even though Niecy Nash is going to win.

[B]

Jordan, stop saying that. I don't trust. I'm always looking over Jordan's shoulder when they vote, because I'm like, you're voting for Niecy Nash.

[A]

I know you are Niecy Nash, even though I love her.

[B]

Jordan, you have to be campaigning for me.

[A]

I am competing for you.

[B]

Niecy has enough.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Niecy is the front runner because she's so famous. She's really, really famous. A very famous actor, but I think she has enough. You know, she has. She's been nominated big awards. Kendall's never nominated for anything. So if you're not gonna vote for Niecy now, she should definitely vote for Kendall, and you should vote for Kendall. Yeah, you should support literally everything Niecy Nash has ever done, and God willing, except be nominated for queer, and God willing, she'll come on the podcast. All right, love you.

[B]

Bye.