420 Phlaze It

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil – Episode 420: Phlaze It (April 20, 2026)

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Episode Overview

Dan and Phil celebrate six months of their "Hard Launch" podcast in this characteristically chaotic and unfiltered episode, themed around 420 and all things "green." They dive into new viral trends (including a questionable energy drink concoction), festival FOMO, unexpected celebrity run-ins, body positivity, infamous on-air gaffs, and listener confessions ranging from breakups on April Fool's Day to cheese-induced food poisoning. Packed with banter, oversharing, and tangents, the episode is a whirlwind of internet culture, personal anecdotes, and the pair's signature humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Viral Trend Taste Test: The "White Monster & Greek Yogurt" Drink

Timestamp: 01:00–03:40

• Phil introduces the latest viral beverage: mixing Monster Energy Ultra with Greek yogurt.
• Dan expresses horror and skepticism ("God has abandoned us." – Dan, 01:09).
• During the chaotic mixing, there's splattering, concern for their furniture, and much mockery.
• Both are surprised to find it's actually "good," likening it to "a fizzy Yakult" (03:20).
• Dan claims: "I've never gone into something more scared and left so pleased since my first gay experience." (03:50)

2. Six Months In: Reflecting on "Hard Launch"

Timestamp: 04:02–05:04

• Dan and Phil celebrate six months of "fan being legal."
• Inside jokes about "step-bro" fanfiction and scrutiny under "Keir Starmer's Britain."
• Reference to a Patreon-only gaff involving Mary Berry, with Phil accidentally saying, "Mary Berry... kicked her pussy up the wall" (05:15), to their own horror.

3. 420 & Substances: UK Law and Personal Histories

Timestamp: 05:38–10:14

• Discuss the restrictions on talking about "weed" on YouTube in the UK.
• Phil admits he's "annoying enough on substances like Red Bull," and shares a story where he accidentally consumed a spiked brownie and, on learning an A-list actor crush might arrive, fled to Asda to read dry shampoo labels in a panic.
• Quote: "If you put a snack on the table, I'm gonna eat it no matter what it is." – Phil (07:33)
• Dan and Phil mock the anxiety-ridden aftermath: "The rule is: avoid the brownies. The moral of the story is your favorite celebrity will show up and judge you for your chopped outfit." (10:02)

4. Festival Season: Coachella vs. UK Festivals

Timestamp: 11:47–15:41

• Discussion of Coachella, with Phil horrified at seeing Justin Trudeau "looking like a frat boy."
• Dan and Phil muse on "influencer gifting tents" and the sanitized, bourgeois nature of US festivals, contrasting with the grimy hardships of Reading Festival.
• Phil admits he'd rather watch on TV in comfort than rough it in the mud.
• Commentary on Justin Bieber's "controversial" Coachella set (just playing YouTube videos) and the similarities to their own group hangouts.

5. Bizarre News Roundup

Timestamp: 15:41–19:32

• Chuck E. Cheese incident: mascot kicks a child by accident – not Five Nights at Freddy’s, just poor vision.
• Phil shares about his brother’s mascot experience: "You've gotta assert dominance. If you are a mascot." (16:54)
• Notable animal ages: world’s oldest gorilla turns 69, flamingos can live up to 75 years—brief existential animal humor.
• Recall of California chocolate laced with Viagra. Important PSA: "Never mix Viagra with poppers or any prescription medicines with nitrates, it can literally cause you to die instantly." – Dan (18:38)
• Phil recounts nearly "dying" after consuming "97 hour energy" from a US gas station ("My eyes started vibrating in my skull." – Phil, 19:13)

6. Dan’s Upcoming Skiing Trip & Phil’s Domestic Mayhem

Timestamp: 20:50–23:44

• Dan prepares for ski lessons, Phil explains he’s not joining for fear of injury.
• Phil confesses to destroying their home’s linen with ill-advised dye jobs (all green or, worse, "flesh colored"). Dan quips about the “cheese foot house” smell after Phil’s neem oil fiasco used to battle plant gnats: "We smell like a stale garlic bread house made of garlic bread." – Phil (23:36)
• Lesson: "Read the back of the bottle once and dilute it." – Dan (23:41)

7. Viral Content Disasters: Cocktails & Email Fails

Timestamp: 23:52–25:15

• Discuss their recent video “We are making our Nasty Student Cocktails,” which got accidentally abbreviated in a notification email to “Dan and Phil: Our Nasty Student Cock.” (24:26)
• Both mortified and amused at their misfortune: "That's so only us would send that email to so many people." – Phil (24:46)

8. The Gold Pig Patreon Raffle

Timestamp: 25:30–25:56

• Patreon supporters are entered to win the Golden Pig when the gold ball drops from their bingo machine.
• "Please do not live in North Korea." – Dan (25:57)

9. Penis Size, Body Positivity & Belly Button Overshare

Timestamp: 26:05–29:34

• Dan draws a question: "Do you think penis size should bother people?"
• Phil goes into his Google deep-dive on penis size statistics, revealing only a handful of “12 inch penises” in existence. ("It's like having a three inch nipple." – Dan, 26:59).
• Spirals into a conversation on weird body parts, including Phil’s “endlessly deep” belly button: "If I put my finger into my belly button, I don't know where the end is." – Phil (28:36)
• Ultimately, a message of body acceptance: "I think people should be happy with their bodies no matter which one they get... there's a lot you can do with other body parts." – Phil (27:11)

10. Listener Hard Launches: Big Naturals & Bad Timing

Timestamp: 29:42–33:08

• Eula from Vancouver: Accidentally sends photoshopped image of Dan with “big naturals” to her mum. ("Disowned. Not invited to the funeral. You're out of the will." – Dan/Phil, 30:27–30:32)
• Reese from Florida: Gets broken up with on April Fool’s Day. ("There are certain days you can't break up with people... Valentine's Day, Christmas Day, April Fools' Day, 9/11." – Phil, 31:33)
• Karina from Brooklyn: Suffers food poisoning from cheese and connects spiritually with Phil ("That was like an Oscar winning fuck Cheese." – Dan, 33:04).
• Dan and Phil encourage "brief and freaky" listener stories for future episodes.

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Notable Quotes

• "God has abandoned us." – Dan (01:09)
• "I've never gone into something more scared and left so pleased since my first gay experience." – Dan (03:50)
• "Mary Berry... kicked her pussy up the wall." – Phil (05:15)
• "If you put a snack on the table, I'm gonna eat it no matter what it is." – Phil (07:33)
• "The rule is: avoid the brownies. Moral of the story: your favorite celebrity will show up and judge you for your chopped outfit." – Dan (10:02)
• "You don't need to record the hard launches that soon after you've gotten the inspiration." – Dan to listener with food poisoning (32:53)
• "If I put my finger into my belly button, I don't know where the end is." – Phil (28:36)
• "I wish I had taken something... to dull the pain." – Dan (33:37)

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Memorable Moments

• The genuine shock at enjoying the "fizzy Monster yogurt" concoction.
• Mortified yet proud delivery of Phil’s Mary Berry gaff for a wider audience.
• Honest admission of accidental intoxication and celebrity-induced anxiety attack at Asda.
• Body positivity segment spiraling into risky OnlyFans ideas centered on unusual body parts.
• Email mishap that led to hundreds receiving a notification about "Dan and Phil: our nasty student cock."

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Listener Engagement

• Multiple "hard launch" voice notes from listeners prompt Dan and Phil to offer commiserations, body positivity, and their trademark roasts.
• Listeners are invited to email in further brief, weird confessions or stories to "[e-mail]".

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Final Notes

Despite the superficial chaos, the episode offers gentle encouragement about self-acceptance, the unpredictability of viral trends, and the universal experience of embarrassment. Never short of tangents or TMI moments, Dan and Phil deliver another installment that’s both disarmingly honest and riotously funny.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Listener/Caller]

When I have a crush on a guy no one knows.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Be careful.

[Dan]

I wish Nikki loved me more than

[Phil]

anyone in the entire world.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Who you wish for? Obsession is 96% fresh on rotten Tomatoes.

[Phil]

I love you so, so, so, so much.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

It's blood soaked nightmare fuel.

[Phil]

Brooke's blood you put on her.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Advertiser]

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[Phil]

There's a new viral drink.

[Dan]

We don't have to do this. We don't have to try every new thing.

[Phil]

Dan, we need to be popular on the Internet.

[Dan]

White monster.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

And Greek yogurt.

[Phil]

I don't believe this is gonna be good.

[Dan]

God has abandoned us.

[Phil]

He's gonna abandon us if we drink this.

[Dan]

Who was the first person to try this? Jail.

[Phil]

What are we doing? I bought the ingredients. We're gonna mix them together.

[Dan]

Okay, so this is your implement, is it?

[Phil]

Yeah, I'm gonna spoon some yog into this glass and then pour the monster in and give it a whisk. Don't get yogurt on our nice chair.

[Dan]

I'm gonna open it towards you.

[Phil]

Oh, you sprayed me in the face.

[Dan]

Yeah, bit of yoghurt spray.

[Phil]

I didn't think you'd actually get me.

[Dan]

Get your protein. Oh, it's giving gym boy, isn't it? Someone was like, I need to get my protein and my energy.

[Phil]

Wait, it's got.

[Dan]

Ew. Okay, I thought that was just like the skin on the yogurt then for a moment.

[Phil]

Where'd I put this?

[Dan]

It's supposed to be a small tub of yogurt to an entire can, so I reckon a few more scoops. Yeah, or like, that's fine for this small glass. Okay, this is already an aberration. Okay, there we go.

[Phil]

All right, let's crack the monster. Monster Energy Ultra. Oh, I've never drunk one of these.

[Dan]

Go on, just. Raw dog a sip. Phil, give us the review. Flavor described as. Well, that's not a good start, is it?

[Phil]

I'm gonna die five years younger. Right, here we go. Mix them together. They're congealing straight away.

[Dan]

You got chunks.

[Phil]

Right. Hold the glass. I will whisk.

[Dan]

What in the Victorian fuck is that?

[Phil]

Phil? I brought the hand whisk so you can be trad husbands.

[Dan]

The hand whisk tale. Right, here we go. The glass is too thin.

[Phil]

There we go. Oh, we're going.

[Dan]

Well, who bought a wobbly glass? Is it even stirring the thing?

[Phil]

I bought.

[Dan]

Phil's aggressively spooning.

[Phil]

I'm spooning. I'm mixing, like they did in the olden times. Three hours later, it's creaming.

[Dan]

I don't like my utility drinks to look like a medical emergency.

[Phil]

Sufficiently mixed.

[Dan]

Spoon on the side now.

[Phil]

I made it for you.

[Dan]

Are you. Fuck this guy.

[Phil]

Have a Big Gulp. Big Gulp.

[Dan]

I can smell the monster.

[Phil]

Large Gulp.

[Dan]

Here's to the gains.

[Phil]

Oh, my gosh. You like it? He's smiling.

[Dan]

Wait.

[Phil]

What? No. Shut up. Wait. Is it. Is it good?

[Dan]

Who am I? What have I become?

[Phil]

This can't be good, Phil.

[Dan]

It's like a fizzy Yakult.

[Phil]

Wait.

[Dan]

And that's some good fucking shit.

[Phil]

I love a yakult.

[Dan]

It's a lemony yogurt that is probiotic and yet.

[Phil]

Whoa.

[Dan]

They fucking did it.

[Phil]

It's nice.

[Dan]

I thought it would be chunky. No, but it's foamy, like a milkshake.

[Phil]

It's like fizzy rainbow yogurt. If a Jaeger bomb is from hell, this is like heaven. It's like a thick Jaeger bomb.

[Dan]

A thick, thick, frothy, nice Jaeger bomb.

[Phil]

Yeah. Yeah. Just don't think about the lumps in it.

[Dan]

I've never gone into something more scared and left. So, please, since my first gay experience.

[Phil]

Well, now I don't want to drink the rest of this.

[Dan]

Three, two, one.

[Phil]

Hello. Welcome to Hard Launch. I'm Phil.

[Dan]

I'm Dan.

[Phil]

And I'm Davis. Anyone listening is going to be so confused. We can't do that. Davis isn't here. He's now on the soundboard from last week. And I'm Davis again. And I'm Davis. If you didn't listen to the Polycule episode. Davis is the third. He's the third.

[Dan]

Do you reckon he sleeps in the middle?

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Supporting them on both sides of his meaty chest. Happy six months of the Hard Launch podcast.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Six months of fan being legal.

[Phil]

Fan is legal. How does that feel? It's flown by.

[Dan]

Can't talk about your step, bro, but you can talk about Dan and Phil in Keir Starmer's Britain. We take it.

[Phil]

I'm not gonna go into that.

[Dan]

Okay. That lava lamp hasn't fallen over for six months.

[Phil]

I'm surprised it's still bubbling, to be honest.

[Dan]

We haven't said something that's gotten us canceled.

[Phil]

You've been pretty close, Dan.

[Dan]

You've been pretty close. Leave Mary Berry alone. Look, we all saw what you did last time.

[Phil]

I didn't mean to say that. You goaded me into saying it.

[Dan]

You actually literally said it unprompted.

[Phil]

Look, if you didn't listen to the Patreon. I said something untoward about Mary Berry.

[Dan]

Well, now we have to play it.

[Phil]

Mary Berry, she kicked. I'm not gonna say that. Cause she's a lovely old lady. But she made some really nice hot cross bun recipes.

[Dan]

Kicked ass. What were you gonna say?

[Phil]

Kicked her pussy up the wall.

[Dan]

There you go. For all the Spotify people.

[Phil]

Great. There we go. Yeah. How have you felt? I think everyone's been free. It's been free naked. We've been frolicking naked in public. Hand in hand.

[Dan]

That is illegal.

[Phil]

That is illegal.

[Dan]

If you're wondering why Dan's wearing color, I'm wearing my grassiest T shirt. Because this is dropping on 420.

[Phil]

Blazing it. We're not blazing at YouTube. If you even say the W. Oh, my God. We've gone into.

[Dan]

I forgot we had a green.

[Phil]

We've gone into the green background. Is this the color for this week?

[Dan]

I think I did it in case we wanted to do, like, an ironic sponsor moment. And then I would make it green for money. But now it's just the weed episode, so.

[Phil]

Say the W word, people.

[Dan]

Sorry, no. Yeah, we're censoring that in the UK.

[Phil]

If you even say it on YouTube, firstly, it gets removed. 18 +restricted, which happened to us before. But also, it's not legal here unless

[Dan]

you get, like, a doctor thing.

[Phil]

I have migraines. I could technically get it for that.

[Dan]

The irony. Do you know the UK is one of the countries that exports the most medical marijuana?

[Phil]

I didn't know that. But you just said marijuana, so now we're gonna get demonetized immediately.

[Dan]

We censored it. I said maracas.

[Phil]

Oh, maracas.

[Dan]

We export so many maracas in the uk.

[Phil]

But if anyone is partaking in a different country where it is legal, I

[Dan]

hope to get through.

[Phil]

Having a nice time. Listening to us drink creamy yogurt together

[Dan]

has the fettable hit.

[Phil]

The fettable.

[Dan]

I must be hard to tell whether it's the substance or just Danfil being the way they are on any given Monday, though.

[Phil]

So I would say every Episode has a slight drug induced feeling to it.

[Dan]

Different episodes give different vibes.

[Phil]

Yeah, yeah. What's today's vibe? You've switched off to the green. I thought we were having a green moment while we were talking.

[Dan]

Oh, sorry. I wanna keep the green. Okay, let me find the green.

[Phil]

I invested in this green light. It needs its time.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

No?

[Phil]

Are we allowed to talk about anything?

[Dan]

Go on, Phil, tell us your funniest look green anecdote.

[Phil]

I have not partaken much in my life because I'm annoying enough fill on

[Dan]

substances like bad guys.

[Phil]

Me on a Red Bull is like, whoa, chill out.

[Dan]

I think the problem is you need friends or activities or parties. And we don't leave the house. So that is just not a likely occurrence.

[Phil]

Someone once did throw a brownie into my mouth when it was open. I didn't mean to eat it, but it went in my mouth. If you put a snack on the table, I'm gonna eat it no matter what it is.

[Dan]

Yeah. So we went to a friend's house and they had some brownies and the plan was just to chill and play Mario Kart.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And we were. And we were having a great time.

[Phil]

I was giggling a lot at Toad. I thought Toad was hilarious. But if you think about it, look

[Dan]

at that fucking guy.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

What's up with that?

[Phil]

Is that a hat or is that his head? What's going on?

[Dan]

Can he take that off?

[Phil]

I don't know.

[Dan]

Why does it sound like that?

[Phil]

But then.

[Dan]

Got it. Please run the shitty lady. If you showed me that, I'd have shit myself.

[Phil]

You would.

[Dan]

Yeah, because you did. But then someone we were with out of nowhere went, oh, I got a friend, and they might come over. Is that okay?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Now, why is this interesting?

[Phil]

Well, this friend was an A list actor.

[Dan]

This friend was literally triple A list celebrity male actor that we cannot name because of the story that we're telling.

[Phil]

Imagine Jake Dylan just gonna show up to your friend's house. It was kind of similar vibes, but I had a crush on this actor and I was not dressed at the moment.

[Dan]

I don't know why our friend went way back with this fucking guy, but what do you mean he's gonna swing by? And I, to be honest, wasn't really digesting much information. So I was just like, okay, cool. Phil freaked out a little bit.

[Phil]

I went from the funny Toad into the paranoia and stress because I didn't wanna meet one of my favorite celebrities while I was in a Galaxy T shirt and some kind of sweatpants.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was mid 2000, had emo hair. He had a space T shirt on. And he didn't feel ready to meet someone that he'd had a Crush on for 10 years.

[Phil]

I was greasy as well. It was like the next day after staying over at someone's house the day after. So I freaked out.

[Dan]

You'd had a domino's without saying anything.

[Phil]

I just left the house.

[Dan]

Where did you go?

[Phil]

Asda.

[Dan]

What do you mean?

[Phil]

I was just freaking out and I was like, I need to go somewhere.

[Dan]

I gotta leave. I can't do this.

[Phil]

I'm gonna calm down and read some labels on some producer.

[Dan]

You spent two hours.

[Phil]

I was not in my right mind,

[Dan]

looking around and asked.

[Phil]

I just started reading labels on dry hair shampoo and stuff. Just freaking out. This celebrity was coming.

[Dan]

Oh, Phil.

[Phil]

I was stressed.

[Dan]

And then it turned out Guy never showed up.

[Phil]

I mean, you could have text me sooner. He's not coming.

[Dan]

I was not able to text.

[Phil]

Fine.

[Dan]

So I'm sorry I left you in the dry shampoo aisle. Living your worst life.

[Phil]

The rule is avoid the brownies. Your favorite celebrity moral of the story is.

[Dan]

Don't do it, kids. Otherwise your biggest crush of all time will turn up and judge you for your chopped outfit.

[Phil]

Grease ball.

[Dan]

Okay, Phil, for anyone listening who has maybe partaken.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

And you are?

[Phil]

I'm coming to your house.

[Dan]

The person in their life.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Say something nice that would reassure them.

[Phil]

Wow, you're so cool and attractive and put together.

[Dan]

Love your T shirt.

[Phil]

Great outfit.

[Dan]

Great hair. Timeless.

[Phil]

Keep being a great person, Miranda.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Listener/Caller]

Oh.

[Dan]

Okay. You healed them, Phil. Well done.

[Phil]

Thank you.

[Advertiser]

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[Dan]

Coachella happened.

[Phil]

Coachella.

[Dan]

Which is like Kind of about the music and also about all the people turning up and embarrassing themselves.

[Phil]

I can't believe. Did you see Justin Trudeau?

[Dan]

Is he allowed to do this?

[Phil]

He looks like a frat boy. Now.

[Dan]

Would you be one of the most important politicians in the world and then just go to Coachella looking like a barista with Katy Perry?

[Phil]

I think so.

[Dan]

Awkward cap.

[Phil]

I think anyone can do anything.

[Dan]

White T shirt at a festival. He's not in the pit, is he?

[Phil]

He's about to deliver some pizzas.

[Dan]

He does look like that.

[Phil]

Canadian ham.

[Dan]

I would.

[Phil]

Are you saying that you've got a crush on Trudeau?

[Dan]

Chew the pork knuckle. Oh, who wouldn't?

[Phil]

I mean, I would.

[Dan]

Yeah, we can be honest about that. It's okay.

[Phil]

Not with Katie at the same time

[Dan]

sat in the cuck chair.

[Phil]

Justin B. What?

[Dan]

She's singing in the background.

[Phil]

She's singing. You're gonna hear me roar you guess what I'm doing. That's what you're doing?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Raw. It's fucking raw.

[Dan]

Actually, too much information on your Trudeau fan fiction right now. But wouldn't that kill the vibe? I don't know.

[Phil]

What are we talking about?

[Dan]

The vi. Penis of Coachella.

[Phil]

Penis.

[Dan]

I just don't actually understand. Is this a real event or is it just an influencer concept?

[Phil]

Penis.

[Dan]

Because I think of festivals and I think of Reading Festival, and this is decrepit cannibalism situations. Okay. Mud. There's no showering. We're sleeping on the grass. Everyone's gonna die.

[Phil]

We're beneath the moss.

[Dan]

And then you look at Coachella and everyone's in a 15,000 pound yurt.

[Phil]

How is that happening? They've got like an entire shower situation set up. That works with hot water. They're just brought along.

[Dan]

We had to go on a three hour journey to a Burger King just to poop when we went to Reading Festival.

[Phil]

I mean, I've not slept at Reading Festival, but it was horrible. Even for the day.

[Dan]

The Burger King next to the train station was the nearest clean toilet. Oh, three hours.

[Phil]

But I feel like you're not really doing it unless you're doing that.

[Dan]

Exactly. If you don't almost die, it's not a festival. Right.

[Phil]

It's all about having your butt cheeks encrusted with diamentes and having a photo and going home. You don't even listen to the artists when you're there.

[Dan]

I remember there being a kebab van and me thinking, wow, this is bougie. And they have influencer gifting tents.

[Phil]

That is a bit disturbing.

[Dan]

The Black Mirror Hell is an influencer gifting test.

[Phil]

I did get a video of someone, like, shoving nine pairs of sunglasses into their bag going, they're all free. Let's get all of them. And I'm like, come on.

[Dan]

We had. Oh, go to the brown campsite and you can see Stinky Pete's ketamine tent. There wasn't the influencer gifting tent.

[Phil]

Not the ketamine tent.

[Dan]

I didn't go in, but I saw it. Everyone was talking about it.

[Phil]

Not from Stinky Pete.

[Dan]

Stinky Pete.

[Phil]

I am not feeling inspired to go to Coachella, to be honest. No, no. Apparently it fills your nose with black dust.

[Dan]

They deserve it.

[Phil]

Not that kind of dust.

[Dan]

Black dust.

[Phil]

The dust from the desert.

[Dan]

The dirt. Yeah. But Phil, you like the idea of standing in the vip because, let's be honest, we've talked about Phil at British Muddy Fe before. And you didn't like the caveman lifestyle.

[Phil]

I like to be at home. I'm just gonna watch it on tv. I don't care if I'm next to Sabrina Carpenter. I can watch it on the telly.

[Dan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can sit in your pants with your hot cocoa.

[Phil]

I enjoyed Justin Bieber's set, though. I noticed it was quite controversial because he was just playing YouTube videos.

[Dan]

Rippy YouTube.

[Phil]

But there's something quite intimate about that, isn't it?

[Dan]

We've seen a lot of people try and do good stuff. So someone being like, extreme low key. I heard that it's basically like when you go to your gay best friends and they make you watch music videos all night.

[Phil]

Are we the gay best friend? Because we do that a lot.

[Dan]

We do. Ye single hangout turns to, let's cast our favorite YouTube videos to the TV. Now we all just sit there for two hours going.

[Phil]

It was quite controversial, though. Some people thought he'd phoned it in because you go to a show and you're expecting like, Katy Perry riding a lion across the stage.

[Dan]

I think we've just seen a lot of put together stuff. And so seeing something radically raw, dogged was quite fun.

[Phil]

And it was quite like, oh, I'm hanging out with my mate. And we're just like watching things together.

[Dan]

If Beauty and the Beat came on, I would have been in the pit.

[Phil]

You would.

[Dan]

I would have been elbowing people. I'd have been screaming, crying, throwing up.

[Phil]

Yes. And he did play in the back.

[Dan]

He did it exactly for the people.

[Phil]

But forget pop culture. There's more important things happening in the world. My children. Here's the thing. Chuck E. Cheese. More like Chuck that child. Okay, Mr. Charles. Entertainment. Cheese has been seen literally kicking a child in the bum.

[Dan]

Now this made me laugh.

[Phil]

He's trying to kick a football. He's not seen the kid.

[Dan]

Really?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Oh, I thought he was jokingly kicking a child. No, he's gonna kick allegations. Wait, Phil.

[Phil]

He's like, right, I'm. Kick the ball. Bop.

[Dan]

It's hard to see through the Chuck E. Cheese head.

[Phil]

I assume you're aiming at the ball.

[Dan]

And then a child comes out of nowhere.

[Phil]

Or it's a preamble to a Five Nights at Freddy's situation. All the Cheeses are gonna start kicking children across the US There's a certain

[Dan]

amount of flexibility that you have as a child. It's okay. It can be a bit funny if nobody's hurt.

[Phil]

Yeah, I'm sure my brother kicked lots of children when he dressed as Marshal when he worked in a bowling alley. Marshall the dog.

[Dan]

Marshall the dog. What brand?

[Phil]

That's his story to tell. I'm sorry.

[Dan]

Okay, we need Phil's brother on the podcast immediately to tell us the story of how he was the off brand Mancunian Chuck E. Cheese and kicked children. I thought he got beaten up by children.

[Phil]

He got beaten up by the kids. You've gotta, like, assert dominance. If you are a mascot.

[Dan]

Yeah. You can't fight back, but if you can, you'd win.

[Phil]

Grandma gorilla.

[Dan]

Oh.

[Phil]

The world's oldest gorilla has turned 69.

[Dan]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[Phil]

Nice. Ha ha.

[Dan]

They are literally turning 70 next year and no one's gonna give a shit because we all chose to joke about them turning 69.

[Phil]

I didn't think gorillas could live that long.

[Dan]

Phil, 70 is the milestone and we're all just saying 69.

[Phil]

Okay, it's true. I heard 70 is the new 30.

[Dan]

Are you just planting that seed early?

[Phil]

Yeah, I think I'd want to hang out with that gorilla. It looks wise. Do you know what I mean?

[Dan]

Yeah, I'm sure you could learn a lot from them.

[Phil]

Looks more intelligent than most humans.

[Dan]

Apparently. They are coming for the late Rip Ingo the flamingo, who died aged 75.

[Phil]

A flamingo can live to 75. I thought they'd live to like three.

[Dan]

I'm gonna be real. What the fuck does a Flamingo do for 75 years?

[Phil]

They must get so bored of eating krill every day.

[Dan]

You've stood in a pond on one leg. How sore would your knee be? They are gonna have the arthritis in that 75 year old flamingo.

[Phil]

Thigh gains. Have you seen them spin themselves completely upside down, though? That's a party trick.

[Dan]

Well, we wish them all the best.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

May you make it to 76. Fuck that, Flamingo.

[Phil]

Talk about hard candy. California chocolate has been removed from the shelves after a Viagra contamination.

[Dan]

So before you start thinking how the fuck this was being sold as a male enhancement.

[Phil]

Oh, it was sex chocolate.

[Dan]

Yeah, well, it was called Gold Lion Aphrodisiac Chocolate Male enhancement sachet.

[Phil]

But they hadn't said they'd literally put Viagra on it.

[Dan]

Well, they were thinking like, damn, how do we make this product enhance the male thing? Maybe we just literally straight up put Viagra in it. Cheating. Cheating. Hello. But you gotta be careful with that because what do you not combine, Phil?

[Phil]

Poppers.

[Dan]

Poppers and Viagra. If you take medication with nitrates, it can literally cause you to die instantly.

[Phil]

Allegedly.

[Dan]

No, Phil, this is a serious medical.

[Phil]

Oh, no. What? I don't know why I said that. Don't include that.

[Dan]

We're including that we're in a post Merry Berry pot.

[Phil]

No, I don't want people to die because I said allegedly.

[Dan]

To be clear, never Viagra and poppers or various prescription medicines with nitrates.

[Phil]

No. And don't buy off brand Viagra chocolate out of a gas station.

[Dan]

If you wanna get an enhancement, just get the actual tested drug.

[Phil]

Once on Tatinuff, I bought like one of those.

[Dan]

Where the fuck is this going?

[Phil]

97 hour energies from an American gas station. I thought I was gonna die. My eyes started vibrating in my skull.

[Dan]

No one needs to do anything for 97 hours.

[Phil]

I could see behind me while I was walking forwards, my mind was thinking colors and numbers were coming out of my breath.

[Dan]

I mean, lots of people can do that. You do that in primary school. But I'm glad that you unlocked that for yourself.

[Phil]

Thank you. That was the thing.

[Dan]

Big Dave, big news.

[Phil]

Energy. He's got big BNE energy. Today.

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[Phil]

and Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual, even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird.

[Listener/Caller]

What is this, your first date?

[Phil]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. I'm gonna have some big sad energy because Dan is leaving me again this week.

[Dan]

Okay. I'm getting skiing lessons. Seen this photo of me crashed out a couple years ago, emotionally and physically.

[Phil]

I can see why you'd need lessons if you're gonna.

[Dan]

I bought a jacket and I intend to use it more than once. That's fair. So I'm going to get some lessons to investigate whether this is something that I actively want to do in my life.

[Phil]

And to be fair, I was invited and I said no, because Phil and skiing, I think, would mix with broken legs and mayhem.

[Dan]

You would be welcome to have lessons, but I think if we all have a moment of calm objectivity.

[Phil]

Yes, fill.

[Dan]

And skiing maybe just isn't the thing.

[Phil]

It just looks so physical as well. You're carrying boots.

[Dan]

It is an exercise.

[Phil]

You're cold, you're whizzing around, you're sweating.

[Dan]

You're also accelerating. Downhill is supposed to be the appeal, and I just see that being an upsetting experience.

[Phil]

I'm picturing a why Phil nearly died of seven.

[Dan]

I think it would just be died.

[Phil]

Phil died.

[Dan]

Phil died. Yep. No clickbait.

[Phil]

I know many people that got injured skiing, so I'm telling Dan, don't push yourself off your limit.

[Dan]

I'm not gonna show off.

[Phil]

Don't show off.

[Dan]

I'm just gonna try to stay upright for a few days.

[Phil]

Stop showing off in front of your friends.

[Dan]

Now, Phil is not allowed to be home alone because of the dying things, so he's forcing Phil to. Yeah. He's not killing people.

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

If you leave Phil alone, Phil just starts fucking biting people.

[Phil]

I know it's a problem. So I dyed all of the photos. Stop it. I dyed all of the towels in our house green. Last time Dan left.

[Dan]

You have to go visit your family, and I'm gonna text your mum and I'm gonna say, keep him away from the fabrics.

[Phil]

Who's in the mood for pink towels?

[Dan]

No, I don't want flesh colored fabrics.

[Phil]

What about dark green? I'll redo the green, but nicer. Like a deep forest green.

[Dan]

Black.

[Phil]

Black towels.

[Dan]

Well, then get out. No, we're not doing this.

[Phil]

Okay, I'm gonna go See my fam.

[Dan]

Also, the main reason this is both a lie. It's not about me learning to live and making my jacket have value or Phil seeing his family. Yes, we're leaving because Phil made the house stink of onions.

[Phil]

I ruined the house, basically. One of our houseplants which we bought was full of these tiny black flies. I was so annoyed.

[Dan]

We bought a plant and it came with us.

[Phil]

Bug came with a whole frickin zoo in there. So I googled it and the way to get rid of it was something called neem oil that you put in the soil.

[Dan]

You're supposed to get like a jug of water and go blop, bloop, and then water the plants a little drop. Phil just got the jug of oil and went blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. Industrial foot smell.

[Phil]

It smells like feet, onions, cheese bomb. It's so bad.

[Dan]

You are not supposed to just open the raw thing. No. What is it made of? It's like the compound that makes garlic smell.

[Phil]

The raw compound of garlic.

[Dan]

But rather than being the tasty thing that you put too much of in a Bolognese, it's just the absolute chemical thing. The filters went blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In all of our plants.

[Phil]

It smells so bad. It's making my eyes water gassed out. Yeah. We smell like a stale garlic bread house made of garlic bread.

[Dan]

We smell like a cheese foot house.

[Phil]

Yeah, just buy something else if you got those flies or learn to live with them. Because it's normal.

[Dan]

Read the back of the bottle once and dilute it. One part oil, one part water.

[Phil]

Deal in instructions.

[Dan]

We don't have time for that. It feels. Pour first, later.

[Phil]

Stop it.

[Dan]

I agree.

[Phil]

Teaspoons, instructions, not doing it.

[Dan]

And speaking of nasty fluids, did you see our cocktail video?

[Phil]

Oh, yeah, but that was a ride, wasn't it?

[Dan]

We actually did well.

[Phil]

We did so well.

[Dan]

If you didn't see. We tried cocktails from around the world.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And we only offended a few countries.

[Phil]

Only slightly. The chilli.

[Dan]

We really pleased the people of Sweden.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

By roasting Denmark.

[Phil]

We did roast Denmark. And I know that's not what you all drink.

[Dan]

We're not getting into that.

[Phil]

It seems funny.

[Dan]

Not getting into the Northern Europe beef.

[Phil]

No. Also apologies anyone that watched the Patreon version of the video.

[Dan]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Phil]

Because a notification email went out to

[Dan]

everyone which says the video title was we are making our Nasty Student cocktails. Yes, that's the full title. However, in some email apps, it abbreviated the title so a lot of people just Got a notification that just said Dan and Phil, our nasty student cock.

[Phil]

That's so only us would send that email to so many people. I'm sorry. Anyone that opened that. And I'm Davis.

[Dan]

I am so sorry.

[Phil]

We're gonna proofread things from now on.

[Dan]

Yeah. What do you think about how things are gonna get distastefully cropped, taken out of context? I think a lot of people probably got their hopes up though.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

But what is our collectively we have one.

[Phil]

We've enrolled in postgraduate studies and we've now Richard.

[Dan]

All right. How's it going, girl?

[Phil]

She's feeling excited for Dan to twist her. Rich is feeling ready Dan to give the twisty.

[Dan]

Another yellow one. I can see so many.

[Phil]

It's the yellow ball. Do we need to give it a mix?

[Dan]

Where is the red ball?

[Phil]

I can't even see it. It must be in the somewhere.

[Dan]

I can see the gold ball. Oh, who's gonna get the pig?

[Phil]

If you follow us on Patreon, even on the free tier, even for free, you're gonna be entered into the draw to win the golden pig.

[Dan]

When that golden ball drops out of riches. When it drops, we will send one of you an actual golden pig.

[Phil]

Oink, oink.

[Dan]

Please do not live in North Korea.

[Phil]

Pop. Read it in a sexy ASMR voice.

[Dan]

Do you think penis size should bother people?

[Phil]

No. Is that really what this is? After I was talking about 12 inches the other day.

[Dan]

Oh, when the Richard needs a Richard.

[Phil]

When the Richard needs Richard Ing, I found out there's only.

[Dan]

Oh my God. Don't go back to you googling 12 inch penises.

[Phil]

There's only like 10 people on earth with a penis that is over 12 inches.

[Dan]

Phil was sat there like, how many people on earth have a 10 inch penis? 12 on earth have an 11 inch penis. How many people on earth have a 12 inch penis?

[Phil]

A 12 is the thing you go to if you're thinking like, oh, what's the big one? Like what's a really big penis? Oh, a 12 incher doesn't exist.

[Dan]

Turns out no one has that. Like they were like a few thousand people. Maybe have a tenner. Yeah, maybe a couple dozen people have an 11. Er, but it's like it's just not a thing. If there's a 12, you are a medical anomaly.

[Phil]

It's like having a three inch nipple.

[Dan]

Yeah. It's like having a three Inch nose. Yeah, it could happen. But there's probably six people on earth.

[Phil]

Ten inch toe.

[Dan]

So the tinder profiles lying. Should people be bothered about it, I think. Phil, what do you think?

[Phil]

I think people should be happy with their bodies no matter which one they get. You are beautiful no matter what they say. Even if you've got a 0.2 incher, there's a lot you can do with other body parts.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

You could have a long toe. You could have particularly rounded fingers. You could have a very bulbous nose. Everything has a reason.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Or the person that you're with might have a very, very shallow ear.

[Dan]

Mormons.

[Phil]

Mormons, yeah. Soaking.

[Dan]

Don't they do the ear thing, too?

[Phil]

I think you've invented the ear thing. What's that?

[Dan]

Oh, I'm definitely making it up. It's like the one hole is.

[Phil]

They're not putting anything in an ear.

[Dan]

I'm just saying that other holes aren't sinful.

[Phil]

However, do you know if you. You're not meant to do this, but if you get a Q tip and you put it in your ear, it does feel good. So they could be onto something there. If the ear hole was big enough, it might feel good.

[Dan]

If you want to make bank on onlyfans.

[Phil]

Is anyone listening with a giant ear hole? I've got a very deep belly button. It goes on for ages, so I don't know if there's something there. If I run out of popularity six

[Dan]

months in, I'm calling it. This is the worst conversation we have had on this male podcast. We should be spreading baseless conspiracy theories. But talk about a supplement. No, I don't want to hear about the butt.

[Phil]

If I put my finger into my belly button, I don't know where the end is. It's just like an endless hole. You can't feel what's beyond. I don't think they tied it. I think it just goes straight through

[Dan]

me and connects to what I don't know. But okay. Yeah, well, let's crowdfund an investigation into that. Maybe we can get Louis Theroux or Brian Cox to look into the situation.

[Phil]

When I'm washing myself, I put loads of soap on my hand and I just slap it so it, like, goes deep inside. Just to make sure I've cleaned down there.

[Dan]

I would rather talk about the 0.2-inch penis.

[Phil]

I'm talking about being clean.

[Dan]

I think the.

[Phil]

If you're deep, you've got to clean it out. Yeah.

[Dan]

Look, Phil started this conversation with the answer, which is body positivity. No shaming. You got what you got. Some people want things that they don't have. They get something and it's all good. And, like, you say, phil, we're covered with things that can do jobs. So, I mean, like, as a recipient, people can have preferences, but you can't judge or shame other people for what they may or may not have been given by.

[Listener/Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Because here you are with the belly button and I never want to look at your shirtless ever again.

[Phil]

It's cavernous.

[Dan]

Can we. The listeners. Yes. We ask for you to send in voice messages so that you too can have the audacity of this bitch. What would you like to get off your chest?

[Phil]

Let us know.

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Eula from Vancouver, Canada.

[Phil]

Hi.

[Listener/Caller]

And earlier today, I sent my mom a mortifying message, including a picture of Dan Howell with photoshopped big naturals and the caption, lmao. Dance big naturals. And she responded before I could undo it. So thanks for that.

[Phil]

Maybe you awoken something within Mom. Oh, no, not that one. Very realistic.

[Dan]

Lmao. Dan's Big Naturals.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Disowned. Disowned, yes. Not invited to the funeral.

[Phil]

You're out of the will.

[Dan]

Yeah. That's rough, I'd say. I'm sorry, but you had the image.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Who did you mean to send that to?

[Phil]

That's the thing, Mu.

[Dan]

I don't know.

[Phil]

You kind of suited it, though.

[Dan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil]

It's fair.

[Dan]

Yeah. Sister Daniel.

[Phil]

Sister Daniel.

[Dan]

Just the same, you need to get

[Phil]

one of those chest pieces that they have on Drag Race for Sister Daniel. Next time.

[Dan]

Are we talking like a tasteful one or one of like the bazongas? I don't think the spirit Halloween.

[Phil]

Every time you squeeze it, it could make a noise like the Jesus. Like,

[Dan]

talk about her. Respectfully, please. Right, next.

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Reese and I'm from Florida. And I would like to hard launch that. My on and off boyfriend of two years broke up with me on April Fool's Day. And I genuinely thought he was kidding when he first sent me a message. Oh my God, he wasn't kidding. He was actually breaking up with me.

[Phil]

Oh, shit. Sorry about that. I mean, there's certain days you can't break up with people.

[Dan]

That is fucking atrocious.

[Phil]

Valentine's Day, Christmas Day, passing day, April's day, 9 11. Respectfully, yeah, I mean, I guess for

[Dan]

the rest of time you'd have to tell people, my boyfriend broke up with me on 9 11. That'd be really fucking weird, wouldn't it?

[Phil]

Choose a different day.

[Dan]

No one would really be paying attention to you or giving you sympathy if

[Phil]

you said that there's the window of time as well.

[Dan]

I mean, Boxing Day. Boxing Day is like, you know, Christmas Eve would be worse. If you really hate the person, maybe it's like, okay, I've waited till Boxing Day.

[Phil]

Just wait until January 3rd at least.

[Dan]

December 27th is like, you got time now. Now January 3rd is you're going back to work.

[Phil]

Fresh year.

[Dan]

December 27th is you have enough time to immediately crash out, go to the New Year's party, make out with someone messy. Cause a whole new drama three days later, back to the office. Everybody's talking about it.

[Phil]

Back to you. Sorry that happened.

[Dan]

Yeah, no, that's really unfortunate. Not a prank, but you'll find someone better who has a calendar.

[Phil]

You will. Next.

[Listener/Caller]

I just want to hard launch that I just had, I believe food poisoning. I'm literally sat here from cheese. So I just like to join Phylliscer in saying fuck cheese. Oh, my name is Karina from Brooklyn.

[Dan]

Hi.

[Phil]

But I. I felt that, okay, we

[Dan]

need to have a conversation.

[Phil]

They sat on the toilet.

[Dan]

You don't need to record the hard launches that soon after you've gotten the inspiration.

[Phil]

But we got like the raw emotion out of that.

[Dan]

That was very raw. That was food poisoning. 4D.

[Phil]

That was like an Oscar winning fuck Cheese.

[Dan]

I felt that deep in my spirit.

[Phil]

I felt it deep in my belly button.

[Dan]

Yeah, it was coming up. It was coming out. Also the birds. Very overstimulating, but great content.

[Phil]

Lots going on. Thanks so much. Wow. You want to send in a hard

[Dan]

launch, Send it brief and freaky.

[Phil]

Brief and freaky to hard launch podcast at gmail dot com. If you sent one ages ago, resend it. You know, just like you're like, it

[Dan]

was a banger and there are too many people sent.

[Phil]

If you think we missed a banger, send it.

[Dan]

Trust, guys. Yeah, thank you.

[Phil]

We're gonna trot off into Patreon now.

[Dan]

I wish I had taken something.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

To dull the pain. Maybe numb.

[Phil]

I need to be numbed.

[Dan]

Yeah, you do.

[Phil]

That's what I'm saying. I'm this annoying just in person.

[Dan]

You don't need to be enhanced.

[Phil]

I don't need to be enhanced.

[Dan]

No. Physically or emotionally.

[Phil]

Otherwise, don't fill me in.

[Dan]

I'm gonna put a strict embargo on Phil's belly button.

[Phil]

Okay, that's fine.

[Dan]

That's actually a list of banned topics and it's going there.

[Phil]

If you want to trot over to Patreon, we're gonna be having an after

[Dan]

party where apparently Phil says all kinds of crazy, crazy shit.

[Phil]

Oh, yeah, sorry, Mary. Berry again. What's even gonna happen?

[Dan]

Who are you gonna say about who this week?

[Phil]

Who you gonna call?

[Dan]

Whose wall?

[Phil]

No one's wall.

[Dan]

And what's being kicked up at?

[Phil]

It's all staying.

[Dan]

Okay.

[Phil]

Join [e-mail] Dan and Phil, I hope you have a lovely week. And, Dan, do not die while you're skiing, because I can't do this on my own.

[Dan]

And, Phil, do not dye anything green or pink. Pinky promise. See you next week.