A Forensic Investigator Came to our House

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode Title: A Forensic Investigator Came to our House
Release Date: July 20, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Podcast Description: HARD LAUNCH is Dan and Phil’s chaotically candid, overshare-heavy podcast that explores the joys and disasters of living authentically.

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Overview

In this energetic and truly unfiltered episode, Dan and Phil share the wild saga of a forensic investigator visiting their home after an unexplained flood, and the hilarious, paranoid questions that followed. The pair also celebrate Phil’s 20th YouTube anniversary with a “premium” YouTube racing jacket unboxing, share gym anxieties, discuss anthropomorphic footballers and tennis stars, debate blue cats and biohacking fads, muse on Instagram etiquette, and wrap up with listener call-ins and arm wrestling. The episode flows with signature self-deprecating humor, sharp wit, and earnest moments of connection.

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Main Topics & Key Moments

1. The Forensic Investigator Saga

• [00:42 – 02:06]
  • Their house floods, prompting a forensic investigator from the insurance company to check if they caused it.
  • The investigator’s questions become absurdly specific:
    • “Have you had any parties in your house involving water?”
    • “Did you make a slip and slide prank?”
    • “Did you ever just fill the entire floor of your house with water just for, like, a silly prank on YouTube?”
  • Quote:
    • “The job title makes it sound like we've killed someone.” – Phil [00:49]
    • “If there's ever a murder investigation, Phil, you're cooked. You can't lie at all.” – Dan [01:51]
  • Playful banter about how suspicious they felt despite their innocence.

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2. Phil’s 20 Years on YouTube & Racing Jacket Unboxing

• [02:12 – 05:06]
  • Phil receives a long-delayed YouTube box commemorating his 20 years as a creator.
  • Detailed audio unboxing; jacket described as “motocross style,” with “AmazingPhil” branding.
  • Quote:
    • “It's got straps on the front, listeners.” – Phil [02:45]
    • “Holy shit. That is a premium garment.” – Dan [03:25]
  • Dan jokes he’ll have to wait four more years for his own.
  • Phil offers Dan “joint custody” of the jacket for Sundays.

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3. Dan’s Gym Class Nightmare

• [05:35 – 07:24]
  • Dan shares a hilarious account of fleeing a gym class rather than partner up with a stranger for burpees.
  • Quote:
    • “Until the trainer at the front says, all right, and now we're gonna do a partner exercise. Everybody buddy up.” – Dan [06:06]
    • “Do you know what I did? I went to go refill my water bottle and I just fucking went home.” – Dan [06:55]
  • Phil expresses pride at Dan’s “peaceful Irish goodbye” and jokes about the sexual tension of gym pairings.

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4. Football, Furries, and Tennis

• [08:05 – 11:55]
  • Confess to pseudo-sports-fandom: watching bits of football/tennis for attractive players (and furry art).
  • Dan discovers furry art depicting football rivals (Harland as a lion, Bellingham as a deer).
  • They invent fursonas for Formula One drivers.
  • Phil admires England’s white shorts: “You can see their butts better in the England kit.” – [09:41]
  • Compare the ambience of football and tennis, and recall a comically unfulfilling Wimbledon visit.

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5. News and Bizarre Trends

• [12:34 – 16:42]
  • Discuss scientific efforts to reduce periods to four times a year and poll producers for feedback.
  • Viral blue cat mystery—turns out to be a gender reveal disaster.
    • Quote:
      • “Just mauled papa Smurf to death.” – Phil [14:35]
  • Blue balls for biohacking: Men icing their testicles to boost sperm count, featuring “LuxMaxxing” culture.
    • Quote:
      • “Men are not okay. And that's what's happening in the news.” – Dan [16:42]
      • “Why do they need so much sperm?” – Phil [16:12]

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6. Instagram Etiquette & Muting

• [20:10 – 21:56]
  • The permanence (and guilt) of muting friends on Instagram.
  • Dan exposes Phil’s lack of celebrity follows, including Greta Thunberg and Barack Obama.
    • Quote:
      • “What would you like to say to the lesbians?” – Dan [21:34]
  • Phil apologizes and vows to follow everyone.

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7. Buffy, Twilight, and Fandom Pressure

• [22:27 – 24:42]
  • Phil admits over-enthusiasm when friends start watching Buffy on his recommendation.
  • Light discussion of Twilight’s “red flags” but acknowledgement of its fun.
  • Patreon plugs for Buffy/Twilight watchalongs and bonus content.

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8. Tour Merch & Show Promo

• [26:25 – 27:30]
  • Updates on upcoming tour merch aesthetic and candidly “over-the-top” joke ideas:
    • “Can we sell a hat that just says, I heart piss, with a yellow heart?” – Dan [26:52]
  • Set design described as “the Kuntier cousin” of their podcast set.

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9. Listener Segment: Hard Launches

• [28:43 – 35:15]
  • Arm Wrestling Challenge:
    • Audience request leads to a cautious, comical arm wrestle (Dan wins).
      • “Phil, I feel like that wasn’t your maximum potential.” – Dan [30:09]
  • Voice Messages:
    • Belle from Ireland offers a taxi-exiting social hack.
      • “Life-changing right there, lad.” – Phil [31:25]
    • Eric from Los Angeles hard launches his gay marriage, then jokes about seeing them on 9/11.
      • “It's gonna be the best 911 in recent memory.” – Eric [32:46]; Dan and Phil are appalled and amused.
    • Chloe from Wales is going to her first show alone (accompanied by a baby sneezing, which becomes a soundboard obsession).
    • Courtney from Georgia shares the tranquil sound of a June night.
      • “That was beautiful. Thank you. My nervous system feels regulated. My cortisol is on the floor.” – Phil [34:56]

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10. Closing Reflections & Tour Reminders

• [35:16 – 36:33]
  • Recount seeing fireflies while touring in the US—less magical than hoped, but special.
  • Invite listeners in tour cities to attend (shout-outs to Connecticut & Auckland).
  • “We wrestled, we crestled. My arm still is throbbing.” – Phil [36:12]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the investigative flood:
  • “Honesty is the best policy. Asterisk. If you’ve done nothing wrong.” – Dan [01:45]
• On Instagram:
  • “You don't follow AOC? Philly, you're a conservative.” – Dan [21:36]
• On gym class:
  • “Do you know what I did? ... I just fucking went home.” – Dan [07:00]
• On merch design:
  • “Can we sell a hat that just says, I heart piss with a yellow heart?” – Dan [26:52]
• On blue cats:
  • “Just mauled Papa Smurf to death.” – Phil [14:35]
• Arm wrestling:
  • “I don’t think you’ve ever known what it is to commit a significant amount of energy to a physical activity.” – Dan [30:19]
• Hard launch from the listener:
  • “It's gonna be the best 911 in recent memory.” – Eric [32:58]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Forensic Investigator Story: [00:42 – 02:06]
• YouTube 20th Anniversary Jacket: [02:12 – 05:06]
• Dan’s Gym Fiasco: [05:35 – 07:24]
• Football & Furry Art: [08:05 – 09:54]
• Tennis & Wimbledon Memories: [10:05 – 11:14]
• Blue Cat / Gender Reveal Disaster: [14:13 – 14:44]
• Biohacking & Ice Packs: [15:18 – 16:42]
• Arm Wrestling: [28:47 – 30:37]
• Best Listener ‘Hard Launches’: [31:08 – 35:02]

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Conclusion

“A Forensic Investigator Came to our House” is chaotic, hilarious, and unexpectedly sincere, giving listeners exactly what they want from Dan & Phil: unpredictable oversharing, existential musings, affectionate teasing, and a sense of genuine community. The wealth of misadventures—from spurious insurance investigations through gym avoidance and catastrophic biology news—are matched with the sincerity of acknowledging their community, all delivered in their unmistakable zany, candid style.

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Support, tour dates, and bonus content at:

• patreon.com/danandphil
• danandphiltour.com

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Summary by HARD LAUNCH listener’s trusted, totally flood-free podcast summarizer.

Transcript

[Phil Lester]

So good, so good, so good.

[Advertisement Voice]

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[Phil Lester]

I'm Arch Manning.

[Dan Howell]

I'm Madison Skinner.

[Phil Lester]

I'm Eva Jovic. I'm Decoria Moore.

[Dan Howell]

Wanna train like a Red Bull athlete? Tell us your fitness goals this summer

[Phil Lester]

to enter the Red Bull Athlete Challenge. You'll get to try each of our workouts for a chance to win an ultimate Red Bull experience.

[Forensic Investigator]

Think you have what it takes?

[Phil Lester]

We have been visited by a forensic investigator.

[Dan Howell]

It's not murder. I'm just saying that very quick, before the headlines get carried away.

[Phil Lester]

Well, the job title makes it sound like we've killed someone.

[Dan Howell]

And we might have.

[Phil Lester]

We need to get the black light out.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think there's a black light.

[Phil Lester]

See where the stains are on the ceiling?

[Dan Howell]

Our house flooded and the insurance company is naturally gonna do everything they can to not pay for it. By seeing if we made a mistake,

[Phil Lester]

this investigator was asking some crazy questions. Firstly, have you had any parties in your house involving water?

[Dan Howell]

What does that mean?

[Phil Lester]

What's a water party?

[Dan Howell]

I was like, bro, you don't owe us. We're not having a party.

[Phil Lester]

Like, what, water sports?

[Dan Howell]

And you caused a flood?

[Phil Lester]

Whoa, whoa.

[Dan Howell]

He was saying, oh. Did you ever just leave your bath on, like, running for three days?

[Audience Member / Caller]

No.

[Dan Howell]

No, bro, no, we didn't do that. And just forget silly me.

[Phil Lester]

I know that you're YouTubers. Did you.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, he tried that, didn't he?

[Phil Lester]

Did you make a slip and slide prank?

[Dan Howell]

Any silly pranks? Did you ever just fill the entire floor of your house with water just for, like, a silly prank on YouTube? No.

[Audience Member / Caller]

No.

[Phil Lester]

And I felt like I had something to hide when I didn't.

[Dan Howell]

But we survived and we passed. You know why?

[Audience Member / Caller]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

Honesty is the best policy. Asterisk. If you've done nothing wrong.

[Phil Lester]

That makes it sound like we did kill someone.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Kill?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We didn't flood our own house. But if there's ever a murder investigation, Phil, you're cooked. You can't lie at all.

[Phil Lester]

Our first attempt at getting a third went so wrong.

[Dan Howell]

Who's this under the floor?

[Phil Lester]

Kevin. RIP Dan gets too jealous.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Three, two, one.

[Dan Howell]

Happy hard Monday, people of the pod chat.

[Phil Lester]

It's a big day. A huge day. I'm holding something massive in my hands. If you're listening to that, you're really funny, aren't you?

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Thoughts and prayers for all the audio listeners.

[Phil Lester]

It sounds like this.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. You need to see a doctor.

[Phil Lester]

I got a special box from YouTube.

[Dan Howell]

Wow.

[Phil Lester]

What could this be?

[Dan Howell]

If you don't remember, Phil's YouTube channel turned 20.

[Phil Lester]

I am a literal dinosaur and I was meant to get a special jacket in the post.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, your box from YouTube has finally come.

[Phil Lester]

It's finally here.

[Dan Howell]

This is thick as shit.

[Phil Lester]

It's got straps on the front, listeners.

[Dan Howell]

It's a big red box.

[Phil Lester]

Listen to that strap.

[Dan Howell]

It has buckles on it.

[Phil Lester]

I'm unbuckling. I'm unboxing. This is a big moment.

[Dan Howell]

This is premium. It says limited edition on the front. We know that because it was so limited, Phil couldn't even get one for a while.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, Amazing Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. It comes with a red coat hanger that says Amazing Phil 20 on it.

[Phil Lester]

A custom coat hanger. Holy shit.

[Dan Howell]

And there's an Amazing Phil license plate.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna put that on my car.

[Dan Howell]

Since 2006. Yeah. Phil's gonna put that on his mobility scooter when he kills someone.

[Advertisement Voice]

It's here.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. My God. Wait, Phil. Phil, you got a card.

[Phil Lester]

I don't care. I don't care.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Look at this.

[Phil Lester]

I got the jacket.

[Dan Howell]

Holy shit. That is a premium garment.

[Phil Lester]

This is so premium.

[Dan Howell]

YouTube. In big letters on the front, it

[Phil Lester]

says Amazing Phil on the back. I'm going to put this on. This is going to be my outfit for the podcast today.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. It is a motocross style jacket with lots of logos. It's black, red and white.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, you're so helpful.

[Dan Howell]

Audio description Amazing Phil. Thank you. What a ride it's been. As we enter the new year, we're reflecting on the creators and artists who turned moments into movements during YouTube's 20th anniversary year. Your dedication and ingenuity didn't just create content. You built communities. You set the pace of culture. Okay. And are continuing to shape the future of YouTube. We want to honor your incredible work and the momentum you've built and kick off 2026. It's July, but he got the box.

[Phil Lester]

I got the box.

[Dan Howell]

With a special tribute. A Custom Limited Edition YouTube Racing Jacket, Racing flag emoji. We hope this gear becomes a reminder of our journey together and inspires your next moves through all the twists of fucking.

[Phil Lester]

Listen.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you with gratitude, your friends at YouTube Parasocial.

[Phil Lester]

I feel thoroughly glazed. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

520 glaze it.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Dan, you've been with me for a lot of those years, so you can wear the jacket on Sundays.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna get my own one in four years, right? Excuse me.

[Phil Lester]

If the website's joining custody.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we'll get to go to court after the drama that we've caused about this jacket. They're not gonna be making them again in four years, are they?

[Audience Member / Caller]

Right.

[Phil Lester]

I'm putting it on a few moments later.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, he's coming in. Mazingphil on the back. Doxing yourself.

[Phil Lester]

That is a pretty. This is cool jacket. I love it.

[Dan Howell]

It says subscribe on your right tit.

[Phil Lester]

That's my favorite tit. They knew.

[Dan Howell]

They knew.

[Advertisement Voice]

All right.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, you look a little inadequate now. Fuck you.

[Dan Howell]

I'm a certified limited edition.

[Phil Lester]

He's a certified limited edition.

[Dan Howell]

I'm a certified limited edition.

[Phil Lester]

You are really slamming through those photo shoot outfits.

[Dan Howell]

I brought a bunch of purple shit that looks good in the podcast set. I'm gonna wear every single one.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you, YouTube, and everyone that's watched me for millions of years on this website. I love you all.

[Dan Howell]

All of them.

[Phil Lester]

Most of you.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Not the bad ones.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Well done. I'm still reeling from what happened to me at the gym this morning.

[Phil Lester]

Someone tried to cruise you?

[Dan Howell]

I wish. No, Honestly, Phil. Almost.

[Phil Lester]

Almost.

[Dan Howell]

It's worse.

[Phil Lester]

How?

[Dan Howell]

I go to a class at the gym. Group exercise.

[Phil Lester]

Well, there's your first error.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what's good about that? First fade into the background. If I stand in the back, right hand corner, all the lights go dark. No one can see me sweating and heaving.

[Phil Lester]

Okay?

[Dan Howell]

The point is anonymity. Personal trainer. One on one. Way too intense.

[Phil Lester]

Don't want that.

[Dan Howell]

30 people. I'm at the back. It's like I'm misbehaving back at school again. No one can see me flopping in the corner.

[Phil Lester]

I can see the vision.

[Dan Howell]

Until the trainer at the front says, all right, and now we're gonna do a partner exercise. Everybody buddy up.

[Phil Lester]

No buddying up.

[Dan Howell]

Find the person next to you, form groups of two.

[Phil Lester]

Holy shit. That's my worst nightmare.

[Dan Howell]

I do not want to interact with a random fucking dude.

[Phil Lester]

What if you're on different fitness levels? Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

He was like, this is how it works. You're gonna drop to the floor and start doing burpees. You're not allowed to stop until the other person's done. Ten. Motherfucker. It's gonna take me ten minutes.

[Phil Lester]

Fuck that.

[Dan Howell]

The other person's gonna be sat there going, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Look at Neil the seal flopping his way through Tasmania over here.

[Phil Lester]

And you don't look your best when you're doing a bur in most conditions. Then you've got this hot guy with muscles leering over you.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what I did? I went to go refill my water bottle and I just fucking went home.

[Phil Lester]

You ran away?

[Dan Howell]

Middle of the class. And honestly, I'm proud of myself. The speed at which I clocked the implication. He said, find someone. I just stood up nonchalantly, walked out of the room, and I just text Phil saying, I'm coming home.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what? I'm proud of you. Cause normally, Dan would have made a really weird excuse, like he got hit by a car.

[Dan Howell]

I could have made it weirder Fel a bike. Yeah. I just peacefully Irish goodbye.

[Phil Lester]

Everyone in your life has died.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I bet that's kind of like a love island situation in there, though, isn't it? Like, oh, you're pairing up with a partner in this sweaty atmosphere.

[Dan Howell]

Suddenly Phil wants to go to the gym for the first time.

[Phil Lester]

We're doing burpees together, and I'm gonna do 11.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I'm gonna lie underneath you.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Flop onto the floor, let that sweat drip into my mouth. Kirsten.

[Dan Howell]

Kirsten.

[Phil Lester]

She's my partner in this au.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

In this au. That is fiction. Phil is bisexual and doing exercise. We love fantasies.

[Phil Lester]

I like fantasy Phil to be occasionally bi.

[Dan Howell]

Occasionally. Fantasy Phil isn't bi. No, he's bi curious.

[Phil Lester]

Bi curious. And he does exercise for Kristin's sweat.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my Lord.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of sport, we have been so sporty today. Lads, lads, lads.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Football.

[Phil Lester]

Oi, oi, oi.

[Dan Howell]

I'd say that because we watch the last 10 minutes of tennis and football doesn't make us sports people.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, 30.

[Dan Howell]

Some people are really excited about this.

[Phil Lester]

32 minutes of the last football game. I'll have you know I only watched

[Dan Howell]

England vs Norway for one reason, because I got that furry Instagram about Bellingham and Harland.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

It's the heated rivalry of the moment. I was browsing in peace, and then I just got this reel on my feed. Can you please draw them as furries? Okay, here we go.

[Phil Lester]

That is such good art. I love that. So Harland is a giant lion, and Bellingham is a subtle deer. Yeah, I love that.

[Dan Howell]

So size difference?

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Species difference.

[Dan Howell]

Am I, like, into football?

[Phil Lester]

No, you're just a furry.

[Dan Howell]

That's how I tried to get people into Formula one, though. They're like motorsports or they're fucking cars. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. It's rich twinks arguing about stuff.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine if those rich twinks were badgers and they were fucking anthropomorphic badgers. I'll have you know.

[Dan Howell]

It's just the way that you said it. It's just the way that you said it. Which formula one driver's fursona would be a badger. Ooh, Isaac Hadjar. Yeah. Anyway.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

What would Leclerc's fursona be?

[Phil Lester]

A meerkat.

[Dan Howell]

A Frenchie with a big head.

[Phil Lester]

No. Leclerc is a handsome.

[Dan Howell]

What animal's handsome?

[Audience Member / Caller]

Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Cheater. He's fast and he's unpredictable in that shitbox Ferrari?

[Dan Howell]

I don't think so.

[Phil Lester]

French.

[Dan Howell]

So we didn't know anything about the football, but we loved the men.

[Phil Lester]

I gave it up so quickly. When we put it on there, I was like, you can see their butts better in the England kit.

[Advertisement Voice]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Phil was like, I like the ones in the white shorts. That's the England team. I was like, why? I was like, you can see the outlines better. Phil, are you sure you're gonna drop that on the podcast?

[Audience Member / Caller]

What?

[Dan Howell]

He's doing it for king and country.

[Phil Lester]

I am. No. I love watching the ball. And we watched a bit of tennis

[Dan Howell]

as well, which Clear lines on my shirt. What are they doing to your shirt?

[Phil Lester]

Whoa.

[Dan Howell]

Tennis, sorry, Was also a thing. Furries. Rat boys. Sinner. Is he peak rat boy?

[Phil Lester]

He is a peak rack boy. With tennis, I feel like they need some music. It's quite low energy.

[Dan Howell]

Football has the constant.

[Phil Lester]

Everyone in tennis is just like, ooh, it's just

[Dan Howell]

fault. And it's like, oh, this is fucking devastatingly awkward.

[Phil Lester]

But imagine if.

[Dan Howell]

Can we get some lo fi under it or something? You want Mario Kart music?

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that would make it more fun,

[Dan Howell]

maybe distracting for them. Do you feel like that one time we went to Wimbledon? It was a real waste of two seats.

[Phil Lester]

I felt like such a fraud.

[Dan Howell]

We loved the strawberries.

[Phil Lester]

I loved the strawberries. I loved the cream. I loved the extra cream.

[Dan Howell]

And there was some sport.

[Phil Lester]

Bit of fizz. We were sat in the sun bit as well, so we were a bit like, woof.

[Dan Howell]

And two rows in front of us was Hollander and Rozanov.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Canonically, we were there together.

[Dan Howell]

Timeline theory. I will admit, I did fall asleep watching the England versus Norway game, though. Oh, wait. Not because it's disrespectful.

[Phil Lester]

It was late and past your bedtime

[Dan Howell]

droning of football stadium ambiance. I realized it's peak white noise.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

I was so being lulled into a meditation just by this. And I was just like, yeah, I'm in the fucking womb and my mum's at a football match. I don't know. But here we go, lads.

[Phil Lester]

So Now Dan's getting 20 men into our bedroom just to go so we can get to sleep.

[Dan Howell]

Sweet dreams of that lion. 100%.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And then the final is happening, like, after we record this podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, let's manifest in the past that England wins.

[Dan Howell]

And now let's cut to our live reaction of what actually happened.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Fuck.

[Advertisement Voice]

Phil.

What?

[Dan Howell]

We watch one football game and this is what happens.

[Phil Lester]

I was supporting him. Well, come on, lads.

[Dan Howell]

Name one football player.

[Phil Lester]

Bellingham.

[Dan Howell]

Not the one that was in the furry art.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Oh, my.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. It's not coming home. And didn't we manifest it? Came home. Right?

[Phil Lester]

We manifested it.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Fanifestation.

[Dan Howell]

Fanifestation.

[Phil Lester]

And do you know what I'd say as I was booting my ball into the goal?

[Dan Howell]

Nope.

[Phil Lester]

Watch out. Here's the thing. It's that time of the quarter year.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Chinese biologist Hong Mei Wang wants to make menstruation only four times a year.

[Dan Howell]

Ooh, yeah. This is big news. She's researching whether reducing menstrual cycles from 12 times a year to just four could do things like preserve more eggs, extend fertility ages. Just reduce the going through that ness of it.

[Phil Lester]

Four periods a year.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

That sounds better for everyone. Do you not think?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Getting some thumbs up from the producers. Richard.

[Dan Howell]

Richard balls up from Richard.

[Audience Member / Caller]

That's what we like.

[Phil Lester]

Richard wants more periods.

[Dan Howell]

Lava lamp.

[Phil Lester]

Lava lamp.

[Dan Howell]

Lava lamp isn't clotty. Lava lamp is like, hell, yeah. I'm enjoying this period.

[Phil Lester]

Lava lamp activity has a great tampon up it at the moment. It's not working, is it? There's no bleed.

[Dan Howell]

What would you want to only be four times a year?

[Advertisement Voice]

Oh,

[Phil Lester]

what about needing to piss?

[Dan Howell]

Piss four times a year, where does it go?

[Phil Lester]

Well, no, I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Pee is stored in the balls and the balls are elephantitis. We've all seen the picture.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe it crystallizes.

[Dan Howell]

That's just kidney stones.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. I'm saying a magical universe where they slow down the process. I don't know, man. It's just whenever I'm doing something, I'm like, oh, no, I've got to go piss.

[Dan Howell]

Trying to watch some fuck ass Christopher Nolan movie.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, release the piss.

[Phil Lester]

I've already stopped drinking before the Odyssey next week, so I know. I'm gonna have to get up to pee.

[Dan Howell]

You're already dehydrated like Tom Holland for Spider man getting ripped. You're just trying to retain the piss so you can watch the whole movie.

[Phil Lester]

I'm going in there as a full raising because I'm not missing one second of Tom Holland fighting that dragon or whatever is in it.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, you played Hades. You know the fucking story. Cyclops next.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not saying that I wrote the headlines. If you want to delegate the research to me, you have to read them.

[Phil Lester]

Is your pussy blue? An English family was shocked when their cat Wilbur.

[Dan Howell]

Their cats. Their cats what?

[Phil Lester]

Turned up looking like a whole smurf.

[Dan Howell]

Have you seen this picture, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

No. Oh, that is a blue cat. Where's he been in?

[Dan Howell]

It's very specific as well. Only the front half of it's blue, but not the face. Girl, what you been doing?

[Phil Lester]

Just mauled papa Smurf to death.

[Dan Howell]

Rihanna is fucking dead.

[Phil Lester]

Cause Rihanna is Smurfette.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

They were worried until they heard a neighbor had just had a gender reveal party.

[Dan Howell]

That's the fucking gender reveal, doesn't it?

[Phil Lester]

They were covered in boy owner self. Oh, God. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Dan and Phil in the ball pit.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

What were we talking about? Sports.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Owner Sophie Jenkins said. Yeah, she does a weird thing with her head when she's rolling, so it must have just missed her face. What is this cat doing? Like, describe that for the listeners, Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Just embodied a cat rubbing its face in a gender reveal liquid.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God.

[Phil Lester]

This is why we don't need gender reveals.

[Dan Howell]

Gender should be optional. And then there's no cats being dyed.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And next. I'm so sorry for this trio.

[Phil Lester]

Blue balls for biohacking.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Men obsessed with ways to increase sperm counts. Are men strapping ice packs their balls for 10 minutes three to four times a day?

[Dan Howell]

Men that don't have anything better to fucking do. Such as notorious billionaire pioneer of strange. Strange person, Brian Johnson. Yup.

[Phil Lester]

Is he strapping ice to his balls?

[Dan Howell]

He's done lots of things. And the new thing, three to four times a day, just cooling. Cooling.

[Phil Lester]

Is that not gonna confuse the sperm?

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is the thing Dr. Azadeh Aveci said. Cold gives you vasoconstriction, which is the total opposite of what you need for an erection. I can see what people's minds are thinking, you know, like, hot balls. The reason why they're out of the body is so that they're not too hot. That's why they're out, I think, and cold them. But there is no evidence that it works. If it makes you feel good and it's not doing you any harm, then that's fine. She really said men? Just. If you're gonna be weird, okay, yeah, sure.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna say, don't ice your balls.

[Dan Howell]

Why do they need so much sperm?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. What if you go too far, you get a bit of frostbite, and they both fall off?

[Dan Howell]

You know the way. Oh, God, the Manosphere people are enhancing their beauty purely for the male gaze of other men that give a shit about that.

[Phil Lester]

The Lux Maxers.

[Forensic Investigator]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

They're now doing it with the sperm count. Like, as long as you've got enough sperm to do it. And even if not, there's ways that you can have children.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So why are these men just performatively increasing their sperm counts for the labs?

[Phil Lester]

Because you're not a true chad unless all your swimmers are going in the right direction.

[Dan Howell]

Unless you can come to a party and be, here's my sperm count.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Men are not okay. And that's what's happening in the news. All right.

[Phil Lester]

Though I am wondering now who has a better sperm count?

[Dan Howell]

We're not doing that.

[Phil Lester]

No, it'd be a good video. Dan and Phil go to the sperm bank.

[Dan Howell]

Bank, yeah. Fucking auction that shit off.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Who wants to have the Faby?

[Dan Howell]

Maybe we should sell it on whatnot.

[Phil Lester]

We can't go into the ad with that.

[Dan Howell]

We can and we just did.

[Phil Lester]

We're not selling our baby on whatnot. Do you ever get a tingle to open your own shop?

[Dan Howell]

Every day. And I've been to the doctor and they said it is the shop Tingle.

[Phil Lester]

Well, thank you to our sponsor, Shopify.

[Dan Howell]

God damn it. Yeah, we get it.

[Phil Lester]

Cha Ching, the power behind the Dan and Phil shop. We would not have a merch store

[Dan Howell]

without Shopify made so easy. You think all my customers. What happens when they get to the checkout and they freak out?

[Phil Lester]

Well, Shopify makes it super easy. Doesn't happen here. They remember everyone's details so they can just check out straight away.

[Dan Howell]

Some people don't remember their details.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

What a nightmare if your customers are people like Phil. Thank God that's not a problem.

[Phil Lester]

Sometimes I shop on our own shop just to test it works and it fills in the details for me.

[Dan Howell]

You need to stop doing that.

[Phil Lester]

That's not how shopping works.

[Dan Howell]

And it makes it easy for us because we want to have fun just designing the merch.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We don't want to be worrying about setting things up and maintaining the checkout.

[Phil Lester]

Shopify handles all of it for you. And you can focus on being creative people.

[Dan Howell]

Like the fun part, not the admin.

[Phil Lester]

Listen to that dream. Start your Squishy shop. Make that candle emporium. Yeah, the Fandal.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

The margins on that would be terrible. We're not gonna do that.

[Phil Lester]

Well, with Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. Nothing. Go make it one.

[Dan Howell]

Start your free trial at shopify.com danfil.

[Phil Lester]

That is, start your free trial at shopify.come danandphil thanks. Thank you. Are you in the mood to obtain some rare items?

[Dan Howell]

Obtain.

[Phil Lester]

Well, thank you to the sponsor of today's podcast, whatnot, the number one livestream shopping app for anything from Pokemon cards to home accessories or gems. We got some gems last time we

[Dan Howell]

did this before and we got. Bring the gems.

[Phil Lester]

Bring the gems. Oh, my God, we got so many gems. Oh, it's a glittery black one. Look at that I'm feeling.

[Dan Howell]

How are you feeling, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

It could make me internally peaceful.

[Dan Howell]

It's not a suppository, Phil. It's just meant to be put on the shelf. Oh, oh, and we've got some hand cream.

[Phil Lester]

Great, Dan. All of these gems are quite monochrome. I want to buy something more, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Fair enough. Let's dive in.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what's cool right now? Not the boobies anymore. It's Squishies.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, very similar.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna go squishy shopping. There's one hit. This person is selling squishy scented butter.

[Dan Howell]

Are you gonna get it?

[Phil Lester]

I'm getting it.

[Dan Howell]

I'm a bit scared.

[Phil Lester]

I'm bidding. I'm bidding. Okay, I want it easy as that. Butter's on the way.

[Dan Howell]

Anything that's not scented, Dan?

[Phil Lester]

Yep. Mini sugar. Squishy capybaras. Set of three. Can I bid?

[Dan Howell]

What the heck is that? Bid, bitch.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, I'm asking. Can we see the capybaras next? She's showing them, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Bid right there.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Don't lose this. We got the three capybaras in the post.

[Phil Lester]

If you want to get something on what not Pokemon cards.

[Dan Howell]

Thrill of obtaining things like that.

[Phil Lester]

Squishies. You can use our link in the description or you can scan this QR code to get $15 off your first purchase anywhere on the app.

[Dan Howell]

So if you spent $20 on squishies, just get them for five bucks.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa. Plus, if you follow Dan and Phil on whatnot, you'll automatically be entered into winning a $500. Whatnot credit.

[Dan Howell]

That's a lot of rocks. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You could get hopefully more colourful crystal,

[Dan Howell]

an actual wedding ring for your spouse.

[Phil Lester]

Thanks. Whatnot. And we're back in the room. How often do you mute people on Instagram? Because it's quite a controversial thing. I was thinking the other day, it's so final because I was looking through my following and I was like, hang on, some of these people. I'm muted.

[Dan Howell]

Where are all my friends? I can only see three people's stories

[Phil Lester]

and I don't mute very often because.

[Dan Howell]

Did you meet me maybe? Okay.

[Phil Lester]

It's so permanent.

[Dan Howell]

Someone does one thing to annoy you and you're like, I'm just gonna mute their stories. Or like, this person's energy. I don't need it right now. When are you gonna set a reminder to unmute that person? You're right. It's basically blocking someone.

[Phil Lester]

I think it needs to be a cool off. Like, I wanna mute for 30 days.

[Dan Howell]

It's like this person has done something to irritate me today. I don't wanna see that friend or colleague for a week.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna put them on pause, but then do unmute them. Otherwise I'm not gonna know that they had a fucking child or whatever the fuck.

[Phil Lester]

So I unmuted everyone. I've gone back and now I'm fresh.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, you say everyone. You are awful at Instagram. You don't follow most of. I say that. I also don't follow most of the people that we know.

[Phil Lester]

I know I'm really bad at it. I don't use Instagram that much. I think that's the problem.

[Dan Howell]

Wait, Phil, give me a phone.

[Phil Lester]

I feel exposed now.

[Dan Howell]

We were having a conversation with someone earlier about stuff, you know, as you do.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil does not follow Chapel Roan.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Oh, no.

[Phil Lester]

See, that's an immediate red flag. Follow him.

[Dan Howell]

What would you like to say to the lesbians?

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry? Lesbians. All right, follow her now.

[Dan Howell]

You don't follow Charli xcx. You don't follow AOC Philly. You're a conservative.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not a conservative. I don't really follow celebrities. My thing is, I usually follow people I've met in person and, like, have a slight rapport with that want to follow me back rather than a load of celebrities.

[Dan Howell]

You don't follow Greta Thunberg. Do you hate the environment?

[Audience Member / Caller]

No.

[Phil Lester]

You make me sound so bad.

[Dan Howell]

You don't follow Barack Obama. Well, I know who he voted for.

[Phil Lester]

I don't follow any one conservative.

[Dan Howell]

You don't Follow Jonathan Bailey.

[Advertisement Voice]

What?

[Dan Howell]

What is your feed even for?

[Phil Lester]

Well, now I need him in my feed.

[Dan Howell]

I'm just gonna do that for you.

[Phil Lester]

What if he fires me back during the podcast?

[Dan Howell]

Fevor Jonathan, you don't follow the Human Rights Campaign? Have you got a problem with human rights?

[Phil Lester]

I love human rights.

[Dan Howell]

Take your phone back.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. I'm just gonna follow everyone. All of you. Nobody's safe.

[Dan Howell]

I'm freaking about whose stories I muted two years ago.

[Phil Lester]

Now, I know you need to be

[Dan Howell]

nice to your friends, though, because you just tried to convince people to start watching Buffy and you ruined their life.

[Phil Lester]

I know that's a dangerous thing. Whenever you recommend a show, especially your favorite thing, your favorite thing, there's a lot of pressure then for them to enjoy it.

[Dan Howell]

You want to share your favorite thing with your friends. But if they don't also think it's the best, most life changing thing ever. I mean, are you gonna get angry?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Are you gonna slap them?

[Phil Lester]

Stop fighting them? But the good news is they really like it. But I don't want to go too hard and scare them off and geek out too much.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is sitting there going, where are you up to? And they're like, we finished season two. And I'm like, phil, you gotta play it cool. You play.

[Phil Lester]

What did you think of episode five?

[Dan Howell]

What do you think at the moment that Buffy did this?

[Phil Lester]

I really am geeking out. And I said, would it be weird to ask you to text me every time you've seen an episode? And your review of the episode, and they were both like, that's a bit of a.

[Dan Howell]

We've got, like, things to do.

[Phil Lester]

We don't want to do that.

[Dan Howell]

We've got to, like, feed our cat and stuff.

[Phil Lester]

So I feel like I need to cool it off.

[Dan Howell]

But good for you. It's like you gave someone a little bit of. And you're like, get in the hole with me. Get in there. Or something more normal that I'm allowed to say on a podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

What are we gonna replace that bleep with?

[Phil Lester]

Haribo Haribo.

[Dan Howell]

Phil went to the optician and the optician gave Phil Haribo Haribo. Isn't that right, Instagram?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Instagram does not like the word Haribo, which we will then mute.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

By the way, if you've not seen it yet, we watched Buffy episode one and two on our Patreon and we just watched Twilight on our Patreon as that was interesting.

[Dan Howell]

Revisiting Twilight on the fam tier.

[Phil Lester]

We had a great time together. So if you Want to come watch it with us?

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna say low key. I feel like culturally people need to apologize a little bit to Twilight.

[Phil Lester]

They do. We had a fun time.

[Dan Howell]

Don't get me wrong, some of it was a bit silly.

[Phil Lester]

There's some red flags coming.

[Dan Howell]

Spidermonkey.

[Phil Lester]

Red flags coming from Edward as well.

[Dan Howell]

She goes in deep. She goes in deep. The whole thing's a bit. Yeah, whatever. But it's a fun time. So if you want to watch us. What have we put on there? We. We've put Buffy, Twilight, Heated rivalry. All of heated rivalry.

[Phil Lester]

And there's loads of other behind the scenes, Dan and Phil bonanzas. You can come.

[Dan Howell]

It's a generous little treat. Phil is gonna throw you a crumb. Yeah, A whole slice of bread.

[Phil Lester]

Heated rivalry. Episode one and two are free for the next week. So you get a little taste of the fam tier and see if you want a little bit more.

[Dan Howell]

So the people that like watching Dan and Phil long, uncut and uncensored, go

[Phil Lester]

to patreon.com danandphil we're gonna throw in a few other little free bits in there as well so you can find those. Like a treasure hunt.

[Dan Howell]

And there's gonna be other stuff. October.

[Phil Lester]

October.

[Dan Howell]

We've got to do spooky.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna do spooky horror movie nights.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. In October.

[Phil Lester]

In October.

[Dan Howell]

Are we gonna do that while on a bus or are we gonna do that beforehand?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe before.

[Dan Howell]

We've gotta be thinking about if we're going on this big tour. What are we gonna do before we leave?

[Phil Lester]

We'll bank a few things because our

[Dan Howell]

gaming laptop, guys, it's from 2018.

[Phil Lester]

She struggles but if you wanna sell some laptops.

[Dan Howell]

Where the fuck is this going?

[Phil Lester]

Shopify.

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[Phil Lester]

Speaking of Dan and Phil's shop, we're going in on the tour merch this year.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah, guys, it's going hard.

[Phil Lester]

Like, the first things we've seen are so good.

[Dan Howell]

We approached it from, like an aesthetic point of view. First, what's the mood board? But then we thought, hey, are we gonna put any text on this? And we wrote a really long list of of fun phrases. Some were just cool. Some were more kind of comedy novelty things. We're not gonna use some of them. Cause we went a bit too hard.

[Phil Lester]

We went like slightly too hard.

[Dan Howell]

I was like, phil, can we sell a hat that just says, I heart piss with a yellow heart?

[Phil Lester]

People would buy it.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe not for this one.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe not for this one. I'm very excited. Also, we started working on the set design.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, shit.

[Phil Lester]

It's almost finished.

[Dan Howell]

It's all kicking off.

[Phil Lester]

What can I say? I'd say it's the Kuntier cousin of this podcast set.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, it's big, it's purple. It's expensive.

[Phil Lester]

It's expensive. But think about how everyone's gonna enjoy it.

[Dan Howell]

They're gonna have a great time.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And we're still promoting the shows that have tickets available, such as Auckland, New Zealand.

[Phil Lester]

Auckland, New Zealand. And so much. We've got interviews with press coming up, but I'm nervous. Why does it make me scared?

[Dan Howell]

Phil loves an excuse to not do interviews. Cause they're kind of scary. Phil's like, all the shows are sold out, apart from like 5. We don't need to advertise it anymore.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, I've got to do the press.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what we need to do? Someone in New Zealand wants to speak to us. We need to do a live TV interview.

[Phil Lester]

There's something about live television. It just makes me nervous.

[Dan Howell]

What are you scared?

[Phil Lester]

What are they going to say to me? What's going to go wrong?

[Dan Howell]

You have no secrets anymore.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil, are you gay? On the news, we just look at them and say yes.

[Phil Lester]

I've got these, like, night fears that I'm going to say something really weird.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil, who is your third that you killed and you buried them under the floor. And this whole flood is just a scheme to get rid of the body.

[Phil Lester]

I can't.

[Dan Howell]

It's Kevin Far.

[Phil Lester]

So I'm gonna go and do it and see if I'm okay.

[Dan Howell]

You will get through this tour promo.

[Phil Lester]

G'. Day. No, wait, that's. See, that's Australian. I've already offended them all.

[Dan Howell]

That is literally the worst thing that you could do.

[Phil Lester]

Kia Aurora.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

All right, Richard, can we get them in before Phil offends people? Thank. How you doing, girl?

[Phil Lester]

You can twist her knob today.

[Dan Howell]

Gladly. Oh, yeah. This is like bisexual fill in the fan fiction universe. It's a blue one. Blue ball, nice and icy.

[Phil Lester]

What a great callback. The flow of this narrative structure.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no, it's handwritten. That means it's from the audience.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no.

[Dan Howell]

This one comes from Hannah Miller, who says, please arm wrestle for. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

No, not an arm wrestle.

[Dan Howell]

I am terrified of arm wrestles because I've just seen so many videos of people breaking their arms doing arm wrestles.

[Phil Lester]

Pop out.

[Dan Howell]

Yo, Phil. No popping stuff out on the podcast.

[Phil Lester]

I won't. So should we put her arms on this table?

[Dan Howell]

What could fucking go wrong? Okay, let's stop and think about this. Okay, Are we doing left handed or right handed?

[Phil Lester]

This hand.

[Dan Howell]

Right. Okay, we're doing this. We're taking it forward. Okay. Fuck that coaster. Right, Phil, get on your knees.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no. I didn't think I'd be on the floor today.

[Dan Howell]

That's what she said.

[Phil Lester]

Ready? One of us has been going to the gym, so. This isn't fair.

[Dan Howell]

It's not, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, Right, I'm gonna grip the floor.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Lock in. Cheat. Here we go. I believe in you.

[Phil Lester]

Three, two, one. Oh, oh, oh. He's got strong guns, Phil. That's my strength.

[Dan Howell]

There's not enough protein in the gelatin contained in Haribo type plastics. That what we're learning here today, people, was my grippy.

[Phil Lester]

Not very strong.

[Dan Howell]

It's diabolical. Yeah. Okay, medical alert.

[Phil Lester]

He has no muscle left. I could feel my bicep bulging, though.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, I feel like that wasn't your maximum potential. Do you know what I think it is?

[Phil Lester]

I'm just lazy.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like you're not committed to the violence of an arm wrestler.

[Phil Lester]

I don't like putting effort into things.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think you've ever known what it is to commit a significant amount of energy to a physical activity.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Did that make you excited to get more into arm wrestling?

[Phil Lester]

That made me want to just work out one arm and then in a

[Dan Howell]

year, one massive arm.

[Phil Lester]

In a year, I'm gonna come back to this podcast. Bulge in.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. Push me through the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Slam you through a wall like Hallen

[Dan Howell]

did to Bellingham in that furry fanfic

[Phil Lester]

I read while he was a deer.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Let's listen to some hard launches from people with bigger arms than me.

[Dan Howell]

Hi guys.

[Audience Member / Caller]

My name is Belle. I'm from County Cork in Ireland.

[Dan Howell]

Hey.

[Audience Member / Caller]

And I want to heard launch a life hack next time, Dan. That you're stuck in a taxi and you don't want to chat to the driver.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yes.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Okay.

Set a timer on your phone for like three seconds. Set the sound to a ringtone sound. And then when the alarm goes off, pretend you're getting a phone call and have your little one way conversation.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Conversation with the taxi driver.

[Dan Howell]

Here I am loading up fucking YouTube videos of iPhone ring sounds idiot.

[Phil Lester]

You could have just had it as a timer.

[Dan Howell]

There's just a timer right there. And then I can choose the timer to be the exact amount of awkward conversation I want to pretend to have.

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

One second.

[Phil Lester]

Life changing right there, lad.

[Dan Howell]

Where you go ding, ding, ding. Sorry, I gotta speak to someone.

[Phil Lester]

Well done.

[Dan Howell]

That would save me as well because sometimes I do actually call Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, you call me most times you get into a taxi just in case it happens.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And you pick up sometimes and I

[Phil Lester]

go, hello, is it happening? And you're like, yeah, yeah. What about the stop?

[Dan Howell]

Phil immediately goes fucking quiet. Because he just doesn't give a shit. He's like, you can have a pretend one way conversation. I am not actually chatting about anything.

[Phil Lester]

Just talk to my ears.

[Dan Howell]

I'm quite good at pretending though.

[Phil Lester]

You are.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, right, so here's me, I'm in a taxi. You ready?

[Phil Lester]

Hello.

[Dan Howell]

Oh no, it's one way.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, go.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Okay, right.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, how you doing? Yeah, no, no, I'm in the car now. Yep. Like 20 minutes. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What took 20 minutes?

[Dan Howell]

Well, you can tell it. Okay, well no, no, when I get there, we'll talk about it. Yeah, yeah. Well, what did she say? Ah, okay. Yeah. And then you just. You can enjoy 30 seconds of silence while the imaginary person tells you something. That fucking cunt.

[Advertisement Voice]

Beep.

[Phil Lester]

That was so realistic. That makes me think you're a pathological liar.

[Dan Howell]

Hashtag danFortrators. Yeah, yeah. I would be really angry that I'm a faithful and then I just get murdered on night two.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, you definitely get killed really fast. Yeah. Next.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Hello, Dan and Phil. My name is Eric, I'm from Los Angeles and I wanna hard launch that I got gay married last June.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Audience Member / Caller]

To my husband Jamie.

[Dan Howell]

You love it.

[Audience Member / Caller]

And we're gonna be celebrating by Seeing the Hard launch tour in LA on September 11th. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be the best 911 in recent memory.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, for fuck's sake. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I forgot we had a show.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, look.

[Phil Lester]

911 show.

[Dan Howell]

Look, you're booking a tour in September?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

There's a reasonable chance we're gonna have

[Phil Lester]

the best 911 ever.

[Dan Howell]

I celebrated my gay marriage on 9 11.

[Phil Lester]

Congrats on the gay marriage, though. That's great.

[Dan Howell]

Accidental double press there.

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

You know who's not peachless?

[Audience Member / Caller]

Who?

[Dan Howell]

Him. Got one in the bag.

[Phil Lester]

Got that peach. Unless they're a side.

[Dan Howell]

Honestly, Phil? Absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

Don't forget the sides.

[Dan Howell]

You can still do side stuff with the butt.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Audience Member / Caller]

It's Chloe from Wales.

[Phil Lester]

Hi.

[Audience Member / Caller]

And I'm half watching that. I am going to my very first show alone.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, good for you.

[Audience Member / Caller]

And it's in February to see you guys on tour.

[Advertisement Voice]

Whoa.

[Audience Member / Caller]

And my baby's needed.

[Phil Lester]

What was that? That was a hell of a sneeze, baby. I didn't know babies.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not sure that was a sneeze.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't know babies made that noise. Is that on the baby soundboard?

[Dan Howell]

Was the phone on the baby? Why were you so quiet? I don't want to hear it again.

[Phil Lester]

I want to hear the noise again.

[Dan Howell]

That was like 4k Dolby Atmos.

[Phil Lester]

Baby sneeze.

[Audience Member / Caller]

I don't think.

It was great to see you guys on tour. And my baby sneezing.

[Phil Lester]

What an excellent sound. Well, we're so happy.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think it was a sneeze.

[Audience Member / Caller]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Whatever it was, we're glad that your baby's working properly.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. If you want to come to our show alone, it is really fun and a real big community vibe. So you're not going to feel alone when you sat in the theater together?

[Dan Howell]

Absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

You're just still thinking about the noise.

[Dan Howell]

It was.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Can we have one more?

[Audience Member / Caller]

One more, one more?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Okay.

[Audience Member / Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Courtney. Hello, Georgia, United States. And I would like to hard launch the beautiful sounds of nighttime in the heat of June.

Yeah.

Here's a moment of silence to appreciate it. Now, let's all go touch some grass.

[Phil Lester]

That was beautiful. Thank you. My nervous system feels regulated. My cortisol is on the floor. Is that.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

[Phil Lester]

It's dripping out of me.

[Dan Howell]

Absolutely. I love that my palette has been cleansed. It reminded me like a baby wipe.

[Phil Lester]

It made me want to go see some fireflies in an American wilderness.

[Dan Howell]

Well, you're going there soon.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know, I had a dream. One of my bucket list things was to see fireflies in the wild. And you know, when I saw him,

[Dan Howell]

we were on tour together.

[Phil Lester]

We were on tour together.

[Dan Howell]

It was a nighttime and we were

[Phil Lester]

walking through the car park of an

[Dan Howell]

outback steakhouse and Phil just saw one firefly.

[Phil Lester]

And I was like, not now.

[Dan Howell]

And obviously we were trying to cross this street in Florida. So there was no sidewalk. No, we were just walking across grassy verges filled with street swamp water. You can't walk anywhere by these crazy cars thinking, who are these fucking twinks walking across the road?

[Phil Lester]

And I saw the firefly.

[Dan Howell]

One firefly just going on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

It was not the romantic New Orleans situation I was imagining. But never mind.

[Dan Howell]

Such is life. But hey, we were there together.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, and if you want to spend more time with us and you live

[Dan Howell]

in Connecticut or Auckland or these places

[Phil Lester]

on the screen now, dan andphiltour.com thanks. Thanks.

[Advertisement Voice]

Thanks.

[Phil Lester]

This has been a podcast to forget to remember.

[Dan Howell]

We wrestled, we crestled.

[Phil Lester]

My arm still is throbbing.

[Advertisement Voice]

Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what that is?

[Phil Lester]

I developed an arm A.B.

[Dan Howell]

phil's first game.

[Phil Lester]

There we go. Gains bro maxed to the mew.

[Dan Howell]

Right? Well, we're gonna keep this going over on Patreon, so If you want 15 more minutes of the energy that we're cultivating today, you can go support us over there.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

See you next Monday.

[Phil Lester]

Have a lovely life.

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