Addressing the Phil 2007 Leak

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil: "Addressing the Phil 2007 Leak"

Podcast: HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Episode: Addressing the Phil 2007 Leak
Release Date: July 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this high-energy, freewheeling episode, Dan and Phil take listeners through a rollercoaster of chaos, cringe, and confession. The titular focus is the recent viral leak of 2007-era university photos of Phil, but this serves as a jumping-off point for discussions on personal vulnerability, the surreality of online fame, dead-internet theory, and the tragicomic state of modern life. True to the HARD LAUNCH ethos, no topic is too weird, awkward, or overshared.

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Major Discussion Segments & Key Insights

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1. Opening Chaos: Eyelash Troubles & Podcast Mishaps

[01:26 – 03:08]

• Phil laments chronic eyelash-in-eye incidents, prompting darkly comedic speculation about medical eyelash removal.
  • Phil: "I've had three eyelashes in my eye today." (01:29)
  • Dan: "God hates you. For real." (01:40)
• They riff on body modification and discomfort with being on video, leading to classic Dan and Phil physical humor.
  • Dan: "Phil wants to be transhuman. Put himself in a toaster." (03:03)

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2. Grammy-level Banter: Award Nominations & Broken Set

[03:11 – 05:11]

• The duo learns they could be nominated for the British Podcast Awards (People’s Choice), and encourage listeners to vote.
• Multiple mishaps plague the podcast set—broken sign, broken lava lamp, even Phil’s toe—leading Dan to joke that someone is trying to sabotage them.
  • Dan: "Pride month is over."
  • Phil: "Someone is trying to take us down." (04:01)
  • Ongoing commando jokes, revealing Phil often records in jeans but sans underwear.

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3. Passport Woes & "Mog Off" Photo Face-off

[06:01 – 09:00]

• Phil's near-disastrous passport renewal saga is recounted, highlighting British bureaucracy, Reddit-fueled anxiety, and a close call with their upcoming US tour.
  • Phil: "I had nervous nightmares for two weeks and it arrived and I would say it's... probably the cuntiest passport I’ve ever had." (07:37)
• Hilarious exchange comparing their new passport photos, leading to a meme-able "mog off" (who looks most unflattering).
  • Dan: "I think you look like you've been doing something with meth and a big reptile." (08:05)
  • Phil: "Jacksepticeye messaged me and said, witness protection-ass photo. So he agreed with you." (08:12)

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4. News Desk: Competitive Eating, Monster Seals, and Dopamine Apps

[10:26 – 16:26]

• Joking coverage of Joey Chestnut’s hot dog eating record and philosophical debate on how many hot dogs Dan could actually eat.
  • Dan: "And you thought you were gay? I'm just kidding. That's probably offensive." (10:46)
• Neil the Seal, a Tasmanian town-wrecking animal, prompts pondering about lonely, horny seals and viral fame risks.
  • Dan: "Do not love Neil to death, because, respectfully, he will just fucking kill you." (13:32)
• The bizarre rise of "dopamine websites" like Food Never Comes—sites that fake the buzz of online ordering.
  • Dan: "People are role playing buying shit just for the thrill of feeding the beast." (15:46)
  • Phil: "Let people have fun if they enjoy it. Do what you want, I don't care." (15:56)
  • Academic context on compulsive consumerism and its effects.

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5. The Phil 2007 Leak: Vulnerability and Iconic Emo Era

[17:34 – 20:22]

• The University of York’s alumni account posts 38 old photos of Phil, sparking an intense conversation about digital privacy, agency, and internet fame’s weirdness.
  • Dan: "Last week ... The alumni page said, 'Oh my God, we just found 38 digital camera photos of 2007, Phil. And we're just gonna fucking post them all right now.'” (17:40)
  • Phil: "I feel quite protective of that Phil because this was before he knew so many people would be looking at him." (19:06)
  • Dan: "You defined a generation of emo culture." (18:40)
• Reflections on consent and how artifacts of one's youth can become public property years later, with both hosts balancing humor and sincerity about the nostalgia/awkwardness.

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6. Social Outings, Food, and Northern Britainisms

[21:59 – 24:38]

• Dan and Phil recount a group meal out (with Jacksepticeye and others) where everyone orders the same burger—an event Phil finds weirdly unsettling.
  • Phil: "Six people ordering the same thing made me a bit uneasy." (22:16)
• British food discourse, including a shoutout to chef YouTubers at Fallow and the regional quirk that any candy is called “toffee” in the North.
  • Dan: “Do you want a toffee, love?” (24:05)
• Phil dismisses toffee talk as “boring,” leading to improvised wedding cancellation jokes and running feuds about dessert.

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7. Pop Culture: Taylor Swift, Madison Square Garden, and Celebrity Separation

[24:38 – 27:27]

• The hosts react to Taylor Swift’s (fictional) marriage, reminisce about meeting her and losing a Swift-drawn portrait to pasta sauce.
  • Dan: "Taylor Swift drew a portrait of me and you just dropped your subway on it." (25:12)
• Fantasies of a Dan & Phil mega-wedding at the O2 arena, with a strict “no celebrities” rule, leading to tongue-in-cheek sketches about streaming, profit donation, and their outsider status in mainstream showbiz.
  • Dan: "No celebrities. Out of principle. Not because we don't actually maintain contact..." (27:00)

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8. Cruises, Swingers, and Abs: Fan Event Schemes Gone Wild

[27:27 – 31:19]

• A riff on themed cruises (Jojo Siwa, fan cruise, gay cruise, swingers cruise) spirals into ideas for a Dan & Phil fan cruise packed with drag shows, speed dating, fan bingo, and a “tops-only bar.”
  • Phil: "Incoming Netflix true crime disaster. The next Fyre Festival is the fan cruise." (28:57)
• The absurdity of “gay cruises” and their perceived body standards.
  • Dan: "Do you have to have a certain amount of abs to go on a gay cruise?" (30:57)
• Over-the-top speculation about cruise housekeepers, sex swings, and “sweeping the ceiling.”

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9. Internet Culture: The Dead Internet Theory

[32:05 – 35:13]

• Listener topic: The "Dead Internet Theory" (idea that human content is being drowned out by AI-generated slop).
  • Dan: "Dead Internet theory is the idea that eventually we'll get so flooded with AI slop... all the Twitter users will be AI. All the Reddit posts... Karma farmers." (32:17)
  • Phil: "It's already happened to Facebook. If you ever go on, all the content is AI." (32:33)
• Dan is hopeful that this era will spark a renaissance in weird, authentic content as rebellion—akin to Les Mis uprising.
  • Dan: "I do think that's a great idea, Phil... the rebels in the Matrix against the robots." (32:50)
  • Phil: "I'm loving the no AI music playlists... with a really weird thumbnail." (33:22)
• Future speculation: Algorithms detect AI, “real” vs. AI internet, and a world of artful resistance.

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10. Listener Mail: TikTok Algorithm Overruns & Davis Duel

[35:19 – 37:57]

• Memorable voicemails include a Scottish listener whose mother’s TikTok is “ruined” by Dan & Phil spam.
  • Listener: "...her TikTok FYP husband is you two talking about pish and playing Palmer daughter life. And she's actual fucking sick of it, man." (35:30)
• A playful challenge: “The Davis Duel”—two listeners named Davis arrange a (jokingly non-violent) showdown at the tour.
• Dan and Phil reflect on their immense online footprint and the inescapable, chaotic power of their fandom’s digital impact.
  • Dan: "But the Internet is alive and you will get it." (36:09)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan: "God hates you. For real." – (01:40) – Dan’s comedic response to Phil’s eyelash woes.
• Phil: "I feel quite protective of that Phil because this was before he knew so many people would be looking at him." – (19:06) – On his vulnerable uni self.
• Dan: "You defined a generation of emo culture." – (18:40)
• Dan: "Do not love Neil to death, because, respectfully, he will just fucking kill you." – (13:32) – On the internet’s dangerous relationship with meme animals.
• Dan: "Dead Internet theory is the idea that eventually we'll get so flooded with AI slop..." – (32:17)
• Phil: "Six people ordering the same thing made me a bit uneasy." – (22:16)

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Timestamped Highlights

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 01:26 | Eyelash saga & transhuman jokes | | 03:11 | Podcast award nomination | | 06:01 | Phil's passport ordeal | | 10:26 | News desk: Competitive eating, Neil the Seal | | 13:42 | "Dopamine websites" and consumer psychology | | 17:34 | The Phil 2007 Leak | | 22:00 | Group meal, British food and Northern quirks | | 24:38 | Taylor Swift wedding, pop culture ruminations | | 27:27 | Cruise brainstorm: fan, gay, swingers etc. | | 32:05 | Dead Internet Theory discussion | | 35:19 | Listener calls: TikTok overrun, Davis duel | | 38:04 | Closing remarks: "The Internet is so alive" |

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Tone & Style

As ever, Dan and Phil deliver a blend of cutting sarcasm, self-deprecation, and affectionate absurdity. The banter veers from goofy hypotheticals to sharp social commentary and genuine vulnerability—especially when Phil reflects on his “leaked” university photos.

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Summary

This episode seamlessly blends comedic oversharing, internet culture analysis, and the emotional reality of living in the public eye. Whether they’re wrestling with passport nightmares or pondering the fate of human authenticity in an AI-saturated internet, Dan and Phil’s unique blend of wit, cringe, and heartfelt reflection makes this episode as memorable as it is unfiltered. The “Phil 2007 Leak” is less about digital scandal and more about the timeless awkwardness of growing up—especially when the whole world watches.

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For the full (and unhinged) experience—including discussions of swinging cruises, competitive eating, and consumer psychology—listen to the complete episode.

Transcript

[Dan Howell]

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[Phil Lester]

I oh, let's go.

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[Dan Howell]

Phil has been googling how to medically remove your eyelashes.

[Phil Lester]

And I should. It's an affliction, Dan. I've had three eyelashes in my eye today.

[Dan Howell]

To be fair, the point of eyelashes is to stop things going in your eye. Yours keep falling out and going in your eye.

[Phil Lester]

Why do I get so many in my eye?

[Dan Howell]

God hates you. For real.

[Phil Lester]

So I've been seeing if I could remove all my eyelashes or if there's a special layer of glue I could just put into my inner eyelids.

[Dan Howell]

You want to get like permanent drag queen lashes, Big fabulous ones. Blink, blink.

[Phil Lester]

That might be an improvement.

[Dan Howell]

Or completely bald eyelids. That's a bit freaky.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, my eyelashes are not that prominent anyway.

[Dan Howell]

Why are you committing to the extreme ends of the spectrum?

[Phil Lester]

I'm so sick of this eyelash thing. I don't know why I've been cursed.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sorry, Phil, you can't possibly be thinking, yeah, I need to get the super glue and I need to apply it to my eyes.

[Phil Lester]

I know I've had super glue issues in the past, but just a little slather on it.

[Dan Howell]

In that case, I'm on team. Remove them all. Just pluck them out.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe I could just remove all my hair at the same time. It might be quite freeing. Full body Wax beluga mode, activate.

[Dan Howell]

Well, that's a mental image that all of us are going to have for the rest of the day. Thanks, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

What do you do with your hands in the podcast? I'm really aware of my own hands today, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Normal human beings, they just sit. Like right now, I've got one hand in my lap. I can put my hands on the arm of the chair.

[Phil Lester]

I was watching one of the last episodes and I was gripping the chair so hard. I don't know why.

[Dan Howell]

It is Phil's first day of being a human every single day.

[Phil Lester]

And then I was doing a clasp, which also looked unnatural.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And now my hands together, they just feel really heavy, like they're not in control of me.

[Dan Howell]

No eyelashes, no hands removal. Phil wants to be transhuman. Put himself in a toaster.

[Phil Lester]

That'd be great.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. He's got the grilly. Grilly.

[Phil Lester]

Philly alert. We have found out that we could be nominated for a British Podcast award.

[Dan Howell]

Wow.

[Phil Lester]

That'd be cool.

[Dan Howell]

Would it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And it's people's choice, so you guys could vote for us.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I guess it's up to you. So what is this, like, round one?

[Phil Lester]

This is round one.

[Dan Howell]

To nominate us. People need to do what?

[Phil Lester]

If you like us, you can just click the link below if you think

[Dan Howell]

that we deserve to steal the light away from other British podcasters.

[Phil Lester]

We're the best one, which we do. Yeah. You can just type in hard and then we'll appear, probably, and then click our podcast and submit us and then

[Dan Howell]

maybe we'll be shortlisted for the finals.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Well, thank you. If you do that.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. Who knows?

[Dan Howell]

Happy hard Monday. How you doing, everyone?

[Phil Lester]

I'm Phil, this is Dan, and we are broken. The sign is broken. The lava lamp is broken.

[Dan Howell]

Pride month is over.

[Phil Lester]

My toe is.

[Dan Howell]

Someone is trying to take us down. What's happening? Lava lamp is off. The sign is off for the people listening right now on Apple Podcasts. What else is off?

[Phil Lester]

My toe.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's fucking face, you guys.

[Phil Lester]

It's removed.

[Dan Howell]

So sorry. Never watch the YouTube version.

[Phil Lester]

My jockstrap is off.

[Dan Howell]

Well, we wouldn't know because you're wearing jeans. Well, Phil likes to ruin things by telling everyone that he was commando here quite often.

[Phil Lester]

I am commander here.

[Dan Howell]

We posted a pizza mukbang. Phil was commando.

[Phil Lester]

I was. Why is everything breaking, though?

[Dan Howell]

We need to lock in and repair this ahead of the tour happening.

[Phil Lester]

We tried to get Dan to go behind it and I was like, just give everything a wiggle. And then I thought, actually, I need you on tour and be alive.

[Dan Howell]

So, Dan, no wiggling.

[Phil Lester]

The electrics don't wiggle that. We also tried to fix the lava lamp again with a hairdryer, and it did not end well.

[Dan Howell]

It was really fucking scary.

[Phil Lester]

I'm scared of it.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

I just.

[Dan Howell]

We need an expert.

[Phil Lester]

Is there anything else big and phallic we can put in the corner instead?

[Dan Howell]

Something phallic, yet also reminiscent of a period clot.

[Phil Lester]

Ooh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

It's a niche Venn diagram.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

It's just, like, very aggressive both ways, isn't it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Let's brainstorm it. A metal giraffe. Like, we had a gay giraffe called Eisel in my house when I was a kid. We could get him in.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we'll get the Leicester family metal giraffe Eisel in the corner of the podcast.

[Phil Lester]

He was named after our favorite waiter, who was also gay. Looked like a giraffe.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, there's a lot going on right now. Yeah, he looked like a giraffe. Like a supermodel.

[Phil Lester]

A sexy giraffe.

[Dan Howell]

Like, ooh, Phil, if you're not watching the podcast, just put his hand in front of his face.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Implying that this waiter was fucked up in some way that I'm sure is very offensive.

[Phil Lester]

He didn't have, like, a horse expansion nose coming out. It was very subtle.

[Dan Howell]

Where is Isel now?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. Maybe he's being studied. Cause he had those little ants.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, the fucking giraffe, not the waiter.

[Phil Lester]

He's on my family's house. On the house.

[Dan Howell]

He answered in the most suspicious manner. You killed the waiter and you put his body into a smelter and turned him into the giraffe, didn't you?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, okay. And you don't want to bring him to the pod. Cause then we'll do some forensic science and we'll get you all arrested.

[Phil Lester]

Ooh, no.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

We've already read that fan fiction.

[Dan Howell]

Well, speaking of almost ruining the tour, Phil almost FKA twixed himself regarding the visa.

[Phil Lester]

So I read on the passport website it takes three weeks to get your passport renewed. Right?

[Dan Howell]

Phil wants a fresh passport.

[Phil Lester]

I need a fresh passport. There's loads of shit in that one.

[Dan Howell]

You yearn for that Brexit black, don't you?

[Phil Lester]

No, I don't at all. I hate it, actually. It's ugly. I miss the maroon. Anyway, speak. I firstly didn't have a photo, and I was like, oh, yeah, we've got the photo booth photos. And that was my dream.

[Dan Howell]

Needs a new photo for Their passport. Dan and Phil just did these cards and we took a whole load of granted. You need a sensible photo for your passport.

[Phil Lester]

You do.

[Dan Howell]

The rules are quite strict. Most of our trading card pictures are fucking crazy. So it was a very small amount of contenders here.

[Phil Lester]

There was. Anyway, I sent the passport off and then I noticed the small print may take 10 weeks. 10 weeks. We're gonna be in San Diego in 10 weeks.

[Dan Howell]

I had a fun moment where Phil came to me and was like, I've been on the Reddit, bad start to any situation. People are saying, could take two weeks, could take 10 weeks.

[Phil Lester]

It was so bad.

[Dan Howell]

Don't doom scroll the Reddit community.

[Phil Lester]

And the problem was people were like, I need to go to my mum's wedding. And they were like, no, there's absolutely no way to reverse the process.

[Dan Howell]

Once the passport is in the system, you cannot get it back.

[Phil Lester]

Read that small print.

[Dan Howell]

And this was all because Phil was lazy. They said, you can go physically to the passport office and they'll do it same day, or you can wait weeks for them to do it via the mail. And Phil went half an hour round trip to go to the passport office. Not for me anyway. I'd rather be fucking sweating every single day about not being able to travel internationally for the next dunno.

[Phil Lester]

I had nervous nightmares for two weeks and it arrived and I would say it's. Thank you. Probably the cuntiest passport I've ever had.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, let's load up. Phil's passport picture.

[Phil Lester]

Look how good I look.

[Dan Howell]

Bam.

[Phil Lester]

Describe that. Describe your man.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is wearing a mesh layer over a tribal tattoo vest.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Which you can't see, but you can see the top of it. And I did say this. I said, phil, you look a bit Florida, man.

[Phil Lester]

You think it looks like a mugshot?

[Dan Howell]

Phil was like, I look like such a diva in this. Yeah. And I think you look like you've been doing something with meth and a big reptile.

[Phil Lester]

Jacksepticeye messaged me and said, witness protection ass photo. So he agreed with you, which was fair.

[Dan Howell]

I did the same thing because I was looking through the photo, both pictures, and I saw one of me in a shirt and I thought, that's straight on, well lit, and I'm hardly smiling.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, can we see it?

[Dan Howell]

Mog.

[Phil Lester]

Mog. Oh, my gosh, we're having a mog off.

[Dan Howell]

I didn't mean to. Dan and Phil, passport, mog off.

[Phil Lester]

You are moggier than me in yours. That is crazy.

[Dan Howell]

I'm trying to just be as neutral as possible.

[Phil Lester]

What is that mouth.

[Dan Howell]

I'm like Jace from Game of Thrones. I'm just going like handsome Squidward.

[Phil Lester]

You are mogging that mouth.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And the shirt. You look like a very fancy high class waiter.

[Dan Howell]

That I would get abducted by the Lester family and melted into a giraffe

[Phil Lester]

because I'm the Florida man that's gonna.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. That's how you fucking killed me.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

The law of the Dan and Phil passports. Phil got arrested for killing me as a waiter.

[Phil Lester]

Well, we've still gotta go to the Visa office, so hopefully that goes well, eh Dan?

[Dan Howell]

There is no wood to touch.

[Phil Lester]

You've just touched my wood.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not even gonna. So yeah, when you see Phil in the news, it's cause he was manifesting Florida man energy and did something.

[Phil Lester]

Sometimes I feel chaotic and I want to wrassle an alligator.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

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[Dan Howell]

welcome to a new era of baseball's great spectacle. The T Mobile Home Run Derby live on Netflix. The biggest sluggers in baseball put their talents to the test on All Star Weekend. Raw power meets star power, big swagger meets bigger slams. And you don't swing to make contact. You swing to make history. Watch the T Mobile Home Run Derby live on Netflix this Monday, July 13th at 8pm Eastern, 5pm Pacific. Speaking of the news.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, Phil, here's the thing.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

There you go.

[Phil Lester]

Sweltering sausage swallowing.

[Dan Howell]

Oh yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Joey Jaws Chestnuts defended his world Hot Dog Eating champion title when he ate 66 hot dogs in 10 minutes on Coney Island.

[Dan Howell]

And you thought you were gay? I'm just kidding. That's probably offensive.

[Phil Lester]

That's a lot of hot dogs to have in your mouth.

[Dan Howell]

He was quoted as It's a dream, it's electric. There's no place better on earth. Chestnut said breathlessly in an interview immediately after the showdown. Fuck it. Imagine being interviewed in your prime moment and someone said you were breathless after downing 66 hot dogs.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, your stomach is gonna be feeling some stuff after number 66.

[Dan Howell]

I don't wanna know it, but hey. Equality. The women's division 40 year old Miki Sudo of Tampa Florida. Florida woman downed 38.75 dogs.

[Phil Lester]

That's also an impressive feat. How many sausages do you think you could fit in your mouth, Dan?

[Dan Howell]

You think you're real funny on this Monday, don't you?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Is he allowed to ask that? Who is allowed to ask that?

[Phil Lester]

Would you swallow them whole and hope they digest or give them a little chew?

[Dan Howell]

I. Okay, I could not do that. Or just pelican down the ground.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I would do that.

[Dan Howell]

You'd go straight down the neck.

[Phil Lester]

Would you? Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I honestly think I could maybe eat four hot dogs and then I'd be like, I'm done with hot dogs.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I think so too.

[Dan Howell]

What do you win? A Macy's gift voucher?

[Phil Lester]

You'd have to start dipping it in weird condiments like icing.

[Dan Howell]

Give me two hours, the two hour hot dog eating contest and 10 dips. I will fuck everyone up. If I can rotate between sweet dip, acidic dip, spicy dip, ranchy dip. I just need those four and I can eat an infinite amount of food frosting. What?

[Phil Lester]

Rogue fifth dip. Dessert sausage.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to speak about the dessert sausage.

[Phil Lester]

No. Well, watch out, Joey. Dan's coming for your title. Neil. The seal yearns to destroy.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, we've all seen it.

[Phil Lester]

Beachside Tasmanian towns have been terrorized by a 5 year old seal who weighs over 1000 kg. Crushing road signs, cars and fences. This is like the Godzilla of Tasmania.

[Dan Howell]

They've already got devils, Tasmanian people. Now they've got rogue teenage seals just fucking up things on the side of a road.

[Phil Lester]

What's his problem?

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is the thing. Seals exhibit this behavior when they're feeling pent up and they want to compete with rivals. Like what they want to do is they want to see that person they're competing over a lady with.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And just bump chests. So really the fact that he's out there doing this to people's parked cars, he's just lonely or horny. He's lonely, horny, smashing. Or he needs another seal man to bang.

[Phil Lester]

Or he needs a bit of a seal flip off.

[Dan Howell]

What we're saying is we need toxic seal yowie for Neil's safety.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And the safety of the public. Because people keep being like, oh, I saw you on TikTok, I'm gonna take a selfie with you. And local officials are like, he's gonna fucking kill you. This is not mu daeng. If Neil the seal glumps onto you, all of your bones are gonna break.

[Phil Lester]

It's over.

[Dan Howell]

One of them said, do not love Neil to death, because, respectfully, he will just fucking kill you.

[Phil Lester]

Leave Neil alone. Can I get nothing Burger? That will never come.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

A South Korean trend of dopamine websites is spreading, and people can't decide if it's a fun thing or a dystopian nightmare.

[Dan Howell]

So there's this website called Food Never Comes. I think we should go on it right now.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

So the idea is, what? You get joy in life the moment you buy something online or the moment you order food for delivery? And I know this, yes, because I have a real fucking problem with being like, I've had a hard day. Do you know what I want? I want the thrill of just ordering tasty food, knowing it's gonna come.

[Phil Lester]

But it never comes.

[Dan Howell]

But it never. Well, let's do it right now. Click. Start craving. So here we go.

[Phil Lester]

Phil. Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

What food you want?

[Phil Lester]

Come on, let's get something Japanese.

[Dan Howell]

Korean, American Indian. Okay, we're going Japanese, right? We'll click that. What have we got? Ooh, a sushi platter. Some ramen.

[Phil Lester]

I want a tonkotsu.

[Dan Howell]

You want a tonkotsu? Okay, we'll add. Yeah. Oh, regular.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, wait.

[Dan Howell]

Large portion.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, we're getting.

[Dan Howell]

We're taking this very seriously.

[Phil Lester]

We'll go for two.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I want some tempura as well, because that looks real dope.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, get the tempura.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, shit. No, that gyoza looked good as well. Wait, wait. Make it spicy. Extra. Yep.

[Phil Lester]

One.

[Dan Howell]

I would also order a gyoza.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, let's get a gyoza. For real?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Fresh and snackable.

[Phil Lester]

I can see where you're going with this.

[Dan Howell]

Aren't you already having fun?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I'd rather. It's gonna arrive and we can eat it, though.

[Dan Howell]

Well, cl. View cart. Okay, so this is gonna cost an amount of Korean money. But don't worry, okay? We're checking out yet. We're gonna order home. Yeah, we're gonna pay with this card. It just. It looks so real. Look, it's even got, like, the discount.

[Phil Lester]

It's on the way.

[Dan Howell]

It can even pretend to send you a notification, like, food's on the way.

[Phil Lester]

Is a delivery person gonna come to our house in four minutes? Dan, this looks too realistic.

[Dan Howell]

Now, the question is, how do you feel that you just placed that food order?

[Phil Lester]

Hungry and frustrated.

[Dan Howell]

You don't feel the rush? No, we ordered poppers online. Not that kind of thing. But people are addicted to this. Are they now? Some people say maybe it's a way of getting that out of your system. If you're feeling impulsive, late night, but you don't actually have to do it. You don't have to actually buy the thing you don't need.

[Phil Lester]

Just get a slap of the dopamine.

[Dan Howell]

Whereas other people are saying, this is not even late stage capitalism. This is end stage capitalism. People are role playing, buying shit.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Just for the thrill of feeding the beast.

[Phil Lester]

Feed that beast. Consume, consume. Where are you?

[Dan Howell]

Do you think it's like a fun therapeutic exercise or a cyberpunk hellscape?

[Phil Lester]

Let people have fun if they enjoy it. Do what you want, I don't care.

[Dan Howell]

But personally, you did say 1 minute ago you're very angry that we're not actually about to have sushi delivered.

[Phil Lester]

I wouldn't do it when you're hungry, and I'm pretty hungry right now.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Yes, Katherine Johnson Boyd did say consumer of psychology at Anglican University. Prolonged exposure to desirable goods can activate a cycle of desire leading to feelings of inadequacy or envy, which may increase materialistic values and lower overall well being.

[Phil Lester]

Should have ordered a sausage.

[Dan Howell]

66 sausages. Get em in me, you nasty slut. Yeah, that's the news. Wow. Dud time in the world history.

[Phil Lester]

Dun dun dun, dun, dun dun. Is there an outro to here's the thing?

[Dan Howell]

Nope.

[Phil Lester]

We should make one. Duh duh duh duh duh duh would be better. And that was the news. Now to the weather with Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking sweaty.

[Phil Lester]

Sweltering, sweltering, sweltering. 32 degrees Celsius today. I'm wearing a jumper.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we got the aircon cranked in the face mode. We don't give a fuck.

[Phil Lester]

It's blasting.

[Dan Howell]

Is it misogynistic? Are you okay, producer Emilia?

[Phil Lester]

She's good.

[Dan Howell]

This episode passes the Bechdel test.

[Phil Lester]

And no, it doesn't. Cause she's not talking to another woman about something that's not a man.

[Dan Howell]

I asked her about how she's talking to a man that we've got the aircon on.

[Phil Lester]

She's talking to a man, she's gotta be talking to another woman. Speak to the golden pig.

[Dan Howell]

Richard's pronouns are he, sh, she, them.

[Phil Lester]

She can have a conversation with Richard. Share, share. Anyway, how do you become a professor of consumer psychology? That sounds interesting.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like you could be a professor of buying stupid shit off the Internet. You've probably done that professionally for a

[Phil Lester]

decade on YouTube, I think I do that so much. I'm not really getting the dopam anymore. It's just something I enjoy.

[Dan Howell]

No, you get a PhD for that cheese suit the investment that keeps on rocking the world. Speaking of universities, Phil, let's talk about the University of York leak.

[Phil Lester]

Oh shit.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck was that about?

[Phil Lester]

That made me jump. I was like, where are they getting these images from context.

[Dan Howell]

Last week the University of York. Was it just on their main social.

[Phil Lester]

It was like their alumni page.

[Dan Howell]

The alumni page said, oh my God, we just found 38 digital camera photos of 2007, Phil. And we're just gonna fucking post them all right now.

[Phil Lester]

It would have been nice to have

[Dan Howell]

a heads up an entire Phil Lester photo shoot. Now, Phil, firstly, why were these photos taken of you?

[Phil Lester]

I do not have any recollection of this. Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Put that in a box. Phil. Was it porn? Do you need some money as a student?

[Phil Lester]

It was not porn.

[Dan Howell]

That's okay, we're not gonna judge you.

[Phil Lester]

I think they just wanted to take some photos of the new theater, film and TV department. And I happened to be there and

[Dan Howell]

they said, university brochure asshol stock photo moment. We feel like, Phil, you represent some kind of alternative community with your very long emo hair.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

You'd be great as one of those random fuck ass students on the front of a brochure.

[Phil Lester]

And let me say, the emo hair was emo ing. Look at that, Dan. Remember that guy?

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna say this right now, Phil. That hair fucking ate.

[Phil Lester]

That was great.

[Dan Howell]

You defined a generation of emo culture.

[Phil Lester]

I was the emo boy.

[Dan Howell]

The wig was wigging, we joke, but for real, it was.

[Phil Lester]

It was so shiny though.

[Dan Howell]

It was well conditioned.

[Phil Lester]

I know L eve it was straightened

[Dan Howell]

within an inch of its life.

[Phil Lester]

I was really working that ironically. And the outfit, the pink shirt and

[Dan Howell]

the red Converse, the black skinny jeans. Honestly, I get it, Phil. Yeah, and by I get it, I mean this was a year before I stalked you, so I got it.

[Phil Lester]

You remember that. What I will say is I feel quite protective of that Phil because this was before he knew so many people would be looking at him and observing him. You know, 20 year old student Phil

[Dan Howell]

did not sign up to have hundreds of thousands of people peruse these image with archaeological interest a decade later.

[Phil Lester]

And I just feel like if I'd have known this many people are gonna see it, maybe I wouldn't have.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I assume you consented to the maybe using one or two, not someone just logging into a fucking computer going, oh my God, look at the Phil scoop I've got. I bet I can get some mad Internet clout if I just post every single one of these photos. Probably could have sent you a little message, just being like, maybe. Hey, Fuzz, okay, in a cute way if we share some of these, but thank God Phil just happened to look so iconic and it was fine. Although there were some like, close up photos of your coursework. I know.

[Phil Lester]

Look at my handwriting. How neat.

[Dan Howell]

This for me was the most perverse thing. I was like, this is like Phil's media coursework.

[Phil Lester]

My homework is there and now we're

[Dan Howell]

just like talking about it on the Internet. Yeah, but Phil, the handwriting, unclockable. This was pre Internet and you were like formatting that shit on pieces of paper.

[Phil Lester]

I had so much girly pop handwriting.

[Dan Howell]

I saw that and I was like, green flag.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah, bit weird. Ultimately harmless. Phil, your legacy.

[Phil Lester]

My legacy is there. But shout out York University. I love my time there. If you wanna go, I would recommend it.

[Dan Howell]

Scenic. They've got a brutalist concrete spaceship and loads of geese. What more do you need from your place of education? Yeah, come for the geese, stay for the emo boys.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

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[Dan Howell]

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[Phil Lester]

Where have we been? What have we done?

[Dan Howell]

We went outside.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, shit.

[Dan Howell]

We hung out with our friends, which is like a thing that people say when they totally have loads of friends.

[Phil Lester]

We saw PJ and Sophie and Sean. Evelyn.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, Sean, if you don't know. Jacksepticeye.

[Phil Lester]

Jackseptice, stage name. We went for a lovely meal.

[Dan Howell]

We totally fucking embarrassed ourselves.

[Phil Lester]

We did.

[Dan Howell]

We all ordered the same thing.

[Phil Lester]

And I was Six people. Six people ordering the same thing made me a bit uneasy. And I was like, maybe I need

[Dan Howell]

it made you uneasy.

[Phil Lester]

It's just such a strange thing to all order the same.

[Dan Howell]

Who works in a restaurant here? Does the kitchen love you? If all six of you order the same thing, I feel like they can just fucking batch that shit.

[Phil Lester]

Well, they could. Unless it's like a specific grill section.

[Dan Howell]

But imagine the ticket comes in and it's six different things and you're like, oh, God, we've all gotta make all of that shit where it's just like six burgers.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking tick.

[Phil Lester]

So the waiter was going through the line of people and it was like, burger, burger, burger. And I was the last one to say it, so I just felt like some kind of freak copier.

[Dan Howell]

And yet did you also feel like you had to choose it? You couldn't even divert if you wanted to.

[Phil Lester]

I really almost nearly diverted, but then I didn't want anything else, so I was like, I'm just gonna have to join this weird burger club now.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Weird burger club? Yeah, you said that you wanted it, so why is it a weird club if you wanted it?

[Phil Lester]

Because I was the last person to say it. If I said it first, I'd be fine.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone's a lemming apart from you. The true Sigma Burger enjoyer on your own that resents being last but can't help it because you're actually the first spiritually.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, okay, I see how that works.

[Phil Lester]

That is an awkward thing, though.

[Dan Howell]

But shout out to Fallow, who convinced the world that British food is not a disgrace.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, they do YouTube, don't they?

[Dan Howell]

They're premier YouTubers.

[Phil Lester]

They're YouTub YouTubers.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine being a chef and then starting a YouTube channel and then accidentally making peak food content.

[Phil Lester]

And I will say it's the best burger I've had in London.

[Dan Howell]

And I will say that not so you're gonna have to fly any flag. Trying to convince the world that British food is peak is hard. And they're doing it so well done.

[Phil Lester]

Well done, Fallow. Also, they do a Werther's original taste in dessert, which was crazy.

[Dan Howell]

Werther's original what?

[Phil Lester]

Grandma used to make a toffee. Toffee.

[Dan Howell]

Have we talked about how northern people say that all sweets are toffees?

[Phil Lester]

We have, but we can talk about it again. Any sweet, a licorice, a hard boiled lemon drop, A mint?

[Dan Howell]

Is a toffee.

[Phil Lester]

It's a toffee.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want a toffee?

[Phil Lester]

Do you want A toffee, love.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want a toffee? But the actual toffee is Werther's Original.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Chewy rips your fucking teeth out. Do you like a Chewy What? Phil blinked at me like, damn, that's boring. Why'd you blink, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Cause it's boring.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck you.

[Phil Lester]

No one talking about words original.

[Dan Howell]

I had such a fun conversation about things that are really chewy then.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, Come on. No, no. I feel mean. Dan, tell us all about words original and toffees. No, Tell us about different textures in your mouth. I'm sorry. I feel like a terrible person.

[Dan Howell]

Well, there's the wedding. Cancelled.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, not the fwedding.

[Dan Howell]

Got upstaged by TT Anyway, didn't we?

[Phil Lester]

Taylor Swift got married. Congratulations, Travis.

[Dan Howell]

Double T roast him.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. I know. Taylor Moore feels like football player.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not even gonna know the pop culture news.

[Phil Lester]

I'm very happy for them.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What else do you have to say

[Dan Howell]

about this hot take, Phil? What do you have to say about it?

[Phil Lester]

Hi.

[Dan Howell]

Swifty is watching.

[Phil Lester]

Hi.

[Dan Howell]

Hey. We met Taylor Swift and she was lovely.

[Phil Lester]

She drew a great portrait of Dan, actually.

[Dan Howell]

Did she draw a portrait of me?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And then it got covered in pasta sauce and we were really pissed off. Cause we were like, please, can we look after that? Cause we want to put it on the wall.

[Dan Howell]

And some Fuck ass Radio 1 producer shout out. BBC Love All. You guys just ate their lunch on it. And they were like, taylor Swift drew a portrait of me and you just dropped your subway on it.

[Phil Lester]

Now it's covered in marinara.

[Dan Howell]

We need FA on the soundboard.

[Phil Lester]

No, we don't. Because that's gonna age this podcast dramatically.

[Dan Howell]

I am gonna go 10 toes down and say that the FAA sound effect is maybe an all timer.

[Phil Lester]

Is it gonna be evergreen?

[Dan Howell]

Well, okay, so I think that there's some things that are very dated.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And that is really gonna specifically put things in a certain, like, 2023-8 bracket.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

But when something resonates with you personally so much, you're allowed to claim it as like, a permanent piece of art in your pop culture.

[Phil Lester]

So your internal soundboard can have that on even if it is a dated reference.

[Dan Howell]

Now tell us why you love it so much, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Because it can be happy and sad.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

You can say it like you're annoyed at something or, oh, my God, great news.

[Dan Howell]

This happened. F. Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

How many people can sit in Madison Square Garden? Like 19,000. You'd think we would have got an invite. We met her once. She can't know 19,000 people.

[Dan Howell]

And how did you stay in touch?

[Phil Lester]

By mentioning her sometimes in a fond way.

[Dan Howell]

Greg James got to go.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

Did he?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, kept that Radio 1 connection going.

[Phil Lester]

What? Yeah, we were on Radio 1.

[Dan Howell]

Would you have flown to New York?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil isn't gonna go 20 minutes to the passport office to not get his own tour canceled. Yeah, well, there you go. The fucking Dan and Phil wedding. Who fucking cares about that now?

[Phil Lester]

What are we gonna do?

[Dan Howell]

Do that. Can we?

[Phil Lester]

What? Madison Square Garden?

[Dan Howell]

No. What would the other version of that be?

[Phil Lester]

When the local Wembley Stadium.

[Dan Howell]

O2 Arena.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Fight.

[Dan Howell]

No, not a boxing match.

[Phil Lester]

A wedding fight.

[Dan Howell]

The fwedding.

[Phil Lester]

We need to combine, but we let the people come. Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

The audience sit in it. Because we don't have friends.

[Phil Lester]

What about no celebrities?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, no celebrities. Out of principle. Not because we don't actually maintain contact

[Phil Lester]

with anyone except for Taylor and Travis. Because we don't hold a grudge. That's how you be as smooth.

[Dan Howell]

Jesus Christ brought back one more time. Well done, Phil. Turn the other ass cheek. That's what you just did. Donate some type of profit to charity. Ppv, Netflix.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah. Livestream merch.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, now Phil's getting excited about this being real. Yeah, don't let that be a software.

[Phil Lester]

It's not happening.

[Dan Howell]

That is all I've been seeing on social media, though.

[Phil Lester]

Same. Although I did start getting cruising content on Instagram recently. Like going on a cruise. Like boat.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Not gay people having anonymous public sex.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, I get that as well, but not as much as ads. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Promoted. Cruise Hyde park toilets. Sponsored.

[Phil Lester]

Come join us.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know, that's actually quite an important thing to clarify. Public sex is legal in the uk, but specifically not in public toilets. So it's like. Yeah, if you're like in the countryside with your wife, you can have good Anglican church sex in a field.

[Phil Lester]

I like that people Google this.

[Dan Howell]

I don't see you. It's just a thing that I know. I didn't Google it. I already knew it. I don't know what's worse, just like me actively googling or just being a thing that I know.

[Phil Lester]

Just gotta clarify this before we go into bush.

[Dan Howell]

I don't need to clarify it. As long as the bush is fine. The bush is fine.

[Phil Lester]

The bush is away from people is what you're saying.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Public toilet. Even though you might think, oh, maybe this is like the more appropriate public space. No, it's actually not. Because, like, people need to fucking shit. Yeah, yeah. Didn't say piss because I want to keep the challenge going.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, nice. We just said it anyway, so.

[Dan Howell]

That count? Sorry, Phil. Boats.

[Phil Lester]

Boats. It's a whole thing. We've never been on a cruise. I was interested and I never will

[Dan Howell]

because of the environment.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Protect the environment. But I was interested in the different kinds of cruise that was being advertised. Firstly, I saw Jojo Siwa did a cruise. Imagine going on that.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine going on the Jojo Siwa cruise.

[Phil Lester]

What happens there?

[Dan Howell]

She's on there. They do bingo. There's probably a performance.

[Phil Lester]

But that got me thinking. Could we do the fan cruise?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Would you come?

[Dan Howell]

This is an incoming Netflix true crime disaster. The next fyre festival is the fan cruise. Piss cruise crashed into the Statue of Liberty.

[Phil Lester]

Would you come on our cruise?

[Dan Howell]

Would I go on the fan cruise? You're talking to the audience.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

We could have loads of stuff.

[Dan Howell]

How many business ideas? You're soft launching the O2 arena wedding and the fan cruise.

[Phil Lester]

I'm really kicking your pussy up the

[Dan Howell]

wall creatively and from an entrepreneurial perspective today.

[Phil Lester]

But what could we have on this cruise?

[Dan Howell]

The fan cruise. Okay. It would have fan bingo, where everyone gets, like, fucked up brunch vibes at

[Phil Lester]

like 11:00am Topps only bar IRL.

[Dan Howell]

It would have the tops only bar IRL. It would have a lesbian bar. It would have drag performances, gaming zone. It would have an arcade.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We would do a week of shows, five nights on the cruise, and we'd do all five of our tours, one each night.

[Phil Lester]

And then inter fan dating.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Speed dating.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to know what y' all are doing with the pineapples.

[Phil Lester]

Well, there's also swingers cruise. I got that in my algorithm.

[Dan Howell]

I thought cruises were just implicitly swingery.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, this is like an actual, like, pineapp apple. People all go. And they've got like a whole orgy room on there on the sea.

[Dan Howell]

No shame. Literally no shame. I just have one thought. Do housekeeping get paid more when it's explicitly a swinger cruise?

[Phil Lester]

They must have to please pay your housekeepers if they're having to sweep that up.

[Dan Howell]

Sweep. I'm just thinking, I hope the washing machines are powerful.

[Phil Lester]

It's gonna be on the ceiling.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck are they sweep? You think people sweep the ceiling? Motherfucker. That's the opposite of what they sweep.

[Phil Lester]

They've got sex swings in there. It's gonna go whoop.

[Dan Howell]

You think that someone's gonna be sex swinging so hard, it's gonna go Wha.

[Phil Lester]

Bam.

[Dan Howell]

And hit the ceiling.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And leave some kind of. Not wet, because we're sweeping here. Some kind of physical dried residue on the ceiling.

[Phil Lester]

Don't think about it too hard.

[Dan Howell]

You said it. I'm just trying to make sense of the things that come out of your mouth.

[Phil Lester]

There's also gay cruises.

[Dan Howell]

There are. Which are a dystopian hell to me, looking at 15 jacked steroid people in a pool.

[Phil Lester]

Do you have to have a certain amount of abs to go on a gay cruise? That's my question. Because when I've seen anyone going on one, it's very ab centric groups of

[Dan Howell]

gay men where there's just 12 shirtless people in a row and they've all got perfect bodies.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Like, what happens if one of you just, like, doesn't want to keep up at the gym?

[Phil Lester]

They kick you off the boat.

[Dan Howell]

Do they die?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Ritual sacrifice.

[Phil Lester]

Get off the sea.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Welcome to the Dan and Phil cruise.

[Phil Lester]

We need to get off the sea. Oh, my God. Richard. Richard.

[Dan Howell]

Producer. Amelia, would you like to say anything to Richard? I love you, Richard. You're gonna be okay.

[Phil Lester]

Bechdel test.

[Dan Howell]

Get the fucking name right.

[Phil Lester]

Bechdel Test.

[Dan Howell]

Bechamel Test.

[Phil Lester]

Bechamel sauce. Right. You spin it.

[Dan Howell]

You spin it. I spun it last week. Okay. They both polar scissors.

[Phil Lester]

Three go. Scissors beats paper, motherfucker.

[Dan Howell]

Best of three.

[Phil Lester]

Dan Bozza. Paper.

[Dan Howell]

Thill has a rock. Dan bozes. As fill as a paper. No. Get fucking wrecked. Dan wins. Crank it.

[Phil Lester]

It's a pink ball.

[Dan Howell]

Save us.

[Phil Lester]

And Richard's topic of the day is Comes from.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. Thank you. I love our audience.

[Phil Lester]

This is from Dances Dancely. Who wants to talk about Dead Internet theory? Ooh, I bet you've got a hot take on this, Mr. Takes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, 100%.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Here's the thing, if you don't know. Dead Internet theory is the idea that eventually we'll get so flooded with AI slop and posts on the Internet being created by AI. Like, all the Twitter users will be AI. All the Reddit posts will be. Will be AI Karma farmers.

[Phil Lester]

It's already happened to Facebook.

[Dan Howell]

If you ever go on, all the content is AI.

[Phil Lester]

It's like Jesus made out of a sandcastle. And everyone's commenting hearts. We are keeping the Internet alive together.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. One completely incomprehensible podcast episode at a time.

[Phil Lester]

This will be the final island where we all gather, and then we have to go on the cruise together.

[Dan Howell]

I do think that's a great idea, Phil. That the upside is we are Seeing a rebellion. The rebels in the Matrix against the robots.

[Phil Lester]

District 13.

[Dan Howell]

Fresh references abound. We're getting some wonderful stuff. Like sometimes my algorithm puts the most insane shit ever on my YouTube or Instagram page. And then everyone's like, alive. Internet theory. Because it's just some niche weird crap that only a terminally online human being that's radically in touch with their authenticity could shit out and put on the Internet.

[Phil Lester]

I'm loving the no AI music playlists that keep appearing with a really weird thumbnail.

[Dan Howell]

We love channels that do thematic work, focused music. So there's one that's like bug music, and they do like rattlesnake music. And the other one they did that was tardigrade music in square brackets. No AI.

[Phil Lester]

I loved the rattlesnake music.

[Dan Howell]

And so I think that the dead Internet AI dystopia is gonna create briefly a spike of art in rebellion. This is Les Mis. Do you know what I mean? We're gonna be fucking piles of chairs. Hear the people sing our fucking rattlesnake insane shitposts. Yeah, where would I put my money on it? Going as is.

[Phil Lester]

We win.

[Dan Howell]

Everything's fine.

[Phil Lester]

Everything's fine.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, here we are. The golden age of a live Internet theory. Maybe muesli shitposting right now.

[Phil Lester]

I think they're gonna invent an algorithm that detects AI and just sweeps it all to a different part of the Internet.

[Dan Howell]

If the EU's not gonna do it, who is? Come on, you fucking woke Europeans. Do something.

[Phil Lester]

They just did it with the iPhone plug. They could just.

[Dan Howell]

Hello.

[Phil Lester]

It'll just be a sign.

[Dan Howell]

We need a USB C AI out of content.

[Phil Lester]

Cause if they can. If they can tell, it's not gonna happen.

[Dan Howell]

It would be nice.

[Phil Lester]

Even if it looks real, if they something has been generated, then it can just be put in a slot pile.

[Dan Howell]

I love that. I think eventually they will have apps for no AI and they will have countries for no AI and then we'll end up in some kind of World War four, which will actually be. Notice the four there four. The sloppers versus the artistic revelers. I just think legally you will be the mascot. So you better get your Hatsune Miku Diva.

[Phil Lester]

I'm ready.

[Dan Howell]

Pop dance. Ready to go. Because you're gonna be the poster girl.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

The boys are gonna be in the trenches. I can hand throwing EMP grenades at the Terminator slot bots.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

That look like giant metal prawn Jesuses.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And they're gonna be looking at the lockers wrapped around their necks and it's just gonna be Phil dressed as a sailor.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, shit.

[Dan Howell]

Alive Internet theory.

[Phil Lester]

That was a beautiful vision.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, do you know what makes me feel like the Internet's so alive?

[Phil Lester]

Our listeners.

[Dan Howell]

The type of shit that we [e-mail]

[Phil Lester]

who's on the line? Hi, I'm Vrawan from Edinburgh, Scotland and

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

I would like to hard launch that. Ever since my mum has bought your

[Phil Lester]

tour tickets for your Glasgow all her TikTok FYP husband is you two talking about pish and playing Palmer daughter life. And she's actual fucking sick of it, man.

[Dan Howell]

She's actual pissed off about it.

[Phil Lester]

We've ruined the for your page. Also, incredible accent.

[Dan Howell]

How are the Americans doing with that one?

[Phil Lester]

I like that we can understand it.

[Dan Howell]

Accent of the week.

[Phil Lester]

That was a good accent.

[Dan Howell]

Beautiful.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry for the for you page. I think once you've gone into the Dan and Phil world, you can't bring it back.

[Dan Howell]

After all, everyone we know, friends, colleagues, people that workers like, through a friend, they'll be like, I clicked on your fucking tour poster just out of curiosity. And now my page is fucked.

[Phil Lester]

You're getting piss compilation 10 and nobody wants that.

[Dan Howell]

But the Internet is alive and you will get it.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry and thank you.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Phil Lester]

Hot diamond film. My name is Fi hi and I'm Hot Launching. I'm joining the Block parade. Oh my God. The unborn father took me into the city.

[Dan Howell]

Live on the scene.

[Phil Lester]

Live G noted in the pit at the Black Parade. That is incredible.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember when all the weird right wing newspapers were like, children are joining the Black Parade.

[Phil Lester]

Be careful.

[Dan Howell]

Well, look at them now. They're in the hard Launch podcast. Sending in audio clips. Thriving.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

Sweatily.

[Phil Lester]

I hope you have a brilliant time.

[Dan Howell]

That G note really shivered my spine.

[Phil Lester]

I wonder if that was the one where Gerard burped. Did you see that?

[Dan Howell]

I'm surprised that there isn't a Phil gas clip.

[Phil Lester]

Sometimes you just need to get on the Tums. Next.

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

Hi, I'm Clover. And I'm Davis and we'd like to hard launch the Davis Duel. I am sick and tired of hearing Dan and Phil talk about Davis when I was here first. There can only be one Davis. Meet me at the hard Launch World to our parking lot, September 12, where we can settle this once and for all. Disclaimer. No Davises will be harmed in the Davis duel.

[Phil Lester]

Sent with playful intent. The Davis Duel. There can only be one.

[Dan Howell]

Oh shit.

[Phil Lester]

Oh shit.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine being a Davis and just listening every single week. You'll be like, I'm Davis.

[Phil Lester]

I'm the original Davis.

[Dan Howell]

That was my attention. And I'm Davis. I am the chosen one. Yeah, I'd watch that PPV Davis duel.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe we could just get them to do that on stage instead of our show. I'd love to watch a Davis duel.

[Dan Howell]

We just get the Dan and Phil tor cash me outside. How about that?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You know what that means. Pop career into Onlyfans. And we wish you the best.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Well, this has been a wonderful time. Thanks for joining us on this experimental day.

[Dan Howell]

The Internet is so fucking alive. The Internet is so alive. The Internet is here.

[Phil Lester]

We're feeling.

[Dan Howell]

The Internet is great.

[Phil Lester]

If you want to get more of this bullshit, join us on the Phaetreon where I'll be there with my mate Dan and Phil Patreon. Come and join it now. Dan and phil.com what? Patreon.com Dan and Phil thanks. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Join us for 15 minutes more over on Patreon. Love you. Bye.

[Phil Lester]

Sleep well.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile.

[Phil Lester]

Are you looking for a beach read this summer?

[Dan Howell]

May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat

[Phil Lester]

emotional arc and a shocking twist twist

[Dan Howell]

where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan $15 a month. Even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Advertiser/Guest Voice]

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