Transcript

Ad Voice (0:03)

Kids, they grow up so fast. One day they're taking their first steps, and the next they don't fit into the tiny sneakers they took them in. You blink your eyes and their princess dress is two sizes too small. And their dinosaur backpack isn't cool anymore. But don't cry because they're growing up. Smile because you can profit off of it for real. There are a bunch of parents on depop looking for the stuff your kid just grew out of. Download depop to start selling.

Ad Voice (0:33)

Hey, this is Sarah. Look, I'm standing out front of a.m. p.m. Right now and, well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling, even kind of cheesy. But I like it. Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell, oatmeal.

Phil Lester (0:48)

So long, you strange soggy. Break up with bland breakfasts and taste.

Dan Howell (0:53)

AMPM's bacon, egg and cheese biscuit made with K tree eggs, smoked bacon and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. Am P M. Too much.

Phil Lester (1:00)

Good stuff. Dan was caught playing a yaoi game last night.

Monet X Change (1:05)

No.

Dan Howell (1:06)

I'm so embarrassed. I've never been this exposed, ever. But there's a perfectly reasonable excuse.

Phil Lester (1:11)

Oh, yeah? What is the excuse?

Dan Howell (1:12)

I was playing a homosexual dating simulator for research because I thought that maybe we could do it because the viewers of this podcast would enjoy it, right? And I went to all lengths to try to protect my anonymity. I went invisible on Steam.

Phil Lester (1:27)

I mean, you're invisible on Steam, but what you didn't know is your Discord status was showing you the game you were playing.

Dan Howell (1:32)

I like my friends to know what I'm playing in case they're like, hey, I saw you're online. Do you want to hop in? I did not want anyone to hop into the yaoi. Oh, for God's sake.

Phil Lester (1:40)

Yaoi boys were hopping on something. You've not only got your friends, My northern friends from Manchester, you've got other YouTubers there.

Dan Howell (1:48)

And it was saying, you don't understand. The people that I'm friends with on Discord is business contacts. So Phil's friends from Manchester, my straight gamer friends that don't understand this world. No markiplier.

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Dan got caught playing a yaoi game
Date: December 8, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester (Studio71)

Episode Overview

This unfiltered episode of HARD LAUNCH dives into Dan’s accidental public exposure playing a yaoi dating sim, a cascade of embarrassing moments, revelations about Dan and Phil’s living situation, mortifying builder encounters, and the duo’s take on festivals, memory, and deep-sea mysteries. The tone is raucous, sardonic, and intimately oversharing, true to the branding of Dan and Phil’s new podcast era.

Key Discussion Points

1. Dan Gets Caught Playing a Yaoi Game

[01:05] - [02:41]

Dan recounts being "so embarrassed" after his attempt at private "research" into a yaoi dating simulator backfired, when his Discord status made it visible to business contacts and gaming friends.
- Dan: “I went to all lengths to try to protect my anonymity. I went invisible on Steam.” (01:12)
- Phil: “Your Discord status was showing the game you were playing!” (01:27)
The game’s explicit, unnamable title heightened Dan’s mortification as friends and business acquaintances saw him playing it for two hours.
Dan: "Some of these dating games are purely about the romance and the comedy. It turned out this one was really about the gyration and the animation." (02:05)
Phil and Dan riff on “yaoi boys” hopping on Discord, adding to Dan’s embarrassment.

2. Fashion Fiascos and Studio Hijinks

[02:52] - [04:00]

Both hosts are wearing unusual trousers for the recording: Dan’s “strappy pants,” and Phil's “heat reactive pants,” which become an ongoing visual gag as Phil's crotch glows on camera.
- Dan: “Phil’s got cold lizard blood hands. Life was not detected.” (03:13)
- Phil: “Turns out Rudolph the Orange Crotch Dick.” (03:34)
They lampoon the camera angles and discuss worrying about “visible penis glow” (VPG) on the podcast.
- Phil: “Could be a VPG. A visible penis glow. Worst acronym in human history.” (03:50)

3. Dan and Phil's Times Square Billboard

[04:23] - [06:18]

The pair celebrate their appearance on a Times Square billboard (for their Patreon), joking about being under a massive McDonald’s ad, and fans referring to it as the “FILboard.”
- Dan: “We made it. Parasocial we. It’s not just me and Phil. It’s you—listeners and viewers—we did it!” (04:35)
- Phil: “No offense to America, but isn't Times Square one of the worst places?” (04:44)
Amused at being recognized by American strangers who have no idea who they are.
- Phil as onlooker: “Damn, that guy’s hot. The blonde one.” (05:48)

4. Mortifying Builder Bedroom Encounter

[08:38] - [12:00]

Dan tells a “life-ruining” story when builders at their house unexpectedly moved his bedside drawer – revealing a magazine with Tim Cook’s face and novelty wrapping paper reading “THIS IS A MASSIVE DILDO.”
- Phil: “Imagine what’s in your bedside drawer, people…massive dildo…” (10:24)
- Dan: “…wrapping paper in giant, colorful letters, it says, this is a massive dildo…” (10:48)
The duo clarify their living arrangements: separate bedrooms, bathrooms, and closets (“we need our space”), dispelling fan fantasies.
- Dan: “Two different beds. Bedside drawers.” (09:45)

5. "The Boys" and Name Change Absurdities

[12:13] - [16:15]

Joking about always being called “the boys” (never “men” or “partners”), they riff on hypothetical married surnames and rebranding possibilities.
- Dan: “Would you take my surname?” (12:51)
- Dan: “Millie Bobby Bon Jovi. Branzino.” (13:03)
- Phil: “I nearly did change my name to Zack Stryker.” (14:15)
Suggest they’d only merge names if it gave them alphabetical or SEO advantage, inspired by Phil’s YouTube strategy.
- Dan: “You need to prioritize search results. If you don’t know the origin story of Phil’s YouTube…” (14:45)

6. Extremely British Slang and American Viewers

[35:05] - [36:28]

American listener Brooke calls in, baffled by British slang.
Dan and Phil unpack:
- “Faffy/faff” = “hassle/trouble”
- “Rubbish” = trash
- Phil: “Just have a cup of tea and shut up.” (36:12)

7. Reading Festival & Feral Music Stories

[17:34] - [21:19]

Phil brings up the new Reading Festival lineup, prompting festival horror and nostalgia.
- Dan: “Reading festival in the UK is like a zombie apocalypse. A woman pissed on my shoe.” (19:09)
- Phil: “I need a Glastonbury yurt. I need my own toilet.” (19:57)
They reminisce about a formative Muse concert, the differing festival energy compared to influencer events like Coachella, and the UK’s wild crowd behaviors.

8. Memory and Cognitive "Tests"

[21:19] - [27:03]

Inspired by Kim Kardashian’s “frontal brain power” meme, they quiz each other on recent and childhood memories—with both failing spectacularly.
- Phil (on memory task): “What reel did I show you this morning?” (22:54)
- Dan: “This explains everything. Fun game, Phil.” (23:02)
Phil describes a dream about stopping gun-wielding assailants with Christmas-scented fire, Dan quizzes Phil on past birthday cakes, childhood vest slogans, and carpet colors.
The struggle is real: “We have low brain power.” (27:03)

9. Introvert Energy & Social Recovery

[27:05] - [27:43]

Discuss the toll of social interactions, especially with strangers or after house invasions.
- Dan: “A conversation with a postman, Phil is like, I need to lie down for three hours.” (27:28)

10. Deep Sea Mysteries & Scuba Fears

[29:27] - [33:52]

“Richard” segment—deep sea research as the topic reveals their skepticism about ocean exploration and admiration for octopuses’ intelligence.
- Phil: “Would you go on an expedition into the Marianas Trench?”
  Dan: “Absolutely not.” (29:45)
- Phil: “I think octopi are more intelligent than us.” (30:38)
Phil confesses he’d only scuba dive again if limited to 10 meters, and Dan worries about past caving risks.
- Dan: “The older you get, the more afraid of how fragile you are you become.” (32:47)

11. Strip Games, Honest Confessions, and Listener Submissions

[36:31] - [40:24]

Listeners submit their own “hard launches”—most notably, the idea of turning any game into a strip game (like Wii Golf), leading Dan and Phil into tales of awkward teen strip poker and spin the bottle.
- Phil: “I played a strip game and I ended up up feeling very exposed because I'm bad at most games.” (37:56)
- Dan: “Could have had a fun formative moment there. But I was like, don’t google that.” (38:05)
Listener confesses to sharing a toothbrush with their fiancé.
- Phil: “I would rather not brush my teeth than use your toothbrush.” (39:26)
- Dan: “All respect for you and your horrible shrimp kink, but we say no, absolutely not.” (40:05)

12. News: Listener Engagement & Naming New Segments

[40:34] - [42:27]

A past listener’s proposal (submitted by podcast) was accepted—Dan and Phil claim credit for their first fan marriage.
- Dan: “Our first hard commitment. We couldn’t do it, so they did it for us.” (40:50)
Soliciting votes for Phil’s upcoming weird news segment, with options like “News Flash,” “Filling You In,” and jokingly “Piss of the Week”—which they summarily reject.
- Phil: “Next week, we are gonna start my special news segment.” (42:18)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Dan (On the yaoi game reveal): “I was just trying to see if it would go anywhere…Shut the fuck up—for a video!” (02:24-02:26)
Phil (Calling out the Discord mishap): “Your Discord status was showing the game you were playing!” (01:27)
Dan (On builder horror): “They see Tim Cook’s face and massive font saying, this is a massive dildo.” (11:15)
Phil (On fashion): “I’m trying to avoid a VPL situation.” (03:28)
Dan (On Britishness): “If you were not someone that had a British phase on Tumblr…you might not know anything that we're talking [about].” (35:22)
Phil (On festivals): “A woman pissed on my shoe.” (19:12)
Dan (On memory decline): “This explains everything. Fun game, Phil.” (23:02)
Dan (On marriage proposals): “You now unfortunately have downfall, plot armor and you have to stay married forever.” (40:54)

Time-stamped Highlights

[01:05] Dan's yaoi game humiliation
[03:34] “Rudolph the Orange Crotch Dick” and heat-reactive clothes
[04:23] Billboard celebration in Times Square
[10:48] "This is a massive dildo" wrapping paper discovery
[14:15] Phil’s YouTube username origin for alphabetic sorting
[19:12] Festival trauma: “A woman pissed on my shoe.”
[21:20] Surreal memory and “being born” anecdote
[29:27] “Deep sea research,” octopus intelligence, and oceanic fears
[36:10] British slang translation for American listeners
[38:40] Phil's friend group: “all the boys kissed”
[39:14] Listener confession: sharing toothbrushes
[40:39] Listener proposal update: “they said yes!”
[41:47] Joking about "Piss of the Week" news segment

Final Thoughts & Listener Engagement

Dan and Phil’s boundary-pushing confessions and relentless banter anchor the episode, blending absurd oversharing with genuine fan interaction.
They end by encouraging listeners to join their Patreon, help name new show segments, and share their own “hard launches.”

For more episodes and extras, join patreon.com/danandphil."