Dan got caught playing a yaoi game

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Dan got caught playing a yaoi game
Date: December 8, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester (Studio71)

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Episode Overview

This unfiltered episode of HARD LAUNCH dives into Dan’s accidental public exposure playing a yaoi dating sim, a cascade of embarrassing moments, revelations about Dan and Phil’s living situation, mortifying builder encounters, and the duo’s take on festivals, memory, and deep-sea mysteries. The tone is raucous, sardonic, and intimately oversharing, true to the branding of Dan and Phil’s new podcast era.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Dan Gets Caught Playing a Yaoi Game

[01:05] - [02:41]

• Dan recounts being "so embarrassed" after his attempt at private "research" into a yaoi dating simulator backfired, when his Discord status made it visible to business contacts and gaming friends.
  • Dan: “I went to all lengths to try to protect my anonymity. I went invisible on Steam.” (01:12)
  • Phil: “Your Discord status was showing the game you were playing!” (01:27)
• The game’s explicit, unnamable title heightened Dan’s mortification as friends and business acquaintances saw him playing it for two hours.
• Dan: "Some of these dating games are purely about the romance and the comedy. It turned out this one was really about the gyration and the animation." (02:05)
• Phil and Dan riff on “yaoi boys” hopping on Discord, adding to Dan’s embarrassment.

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2. Fashion Fiascos and Studio Hijinks

[02:52] - [04:00]

• Both hosts are wearing unusual trousers for the recording: Dan’s “strappy pants,” and Phil's “heat reactive pants,” which become an ongoing visual gag as Phil's crotch glows on camera.
  • Dan: “Phil’s got cold lizard blood hands. Life was not detected.” (03:13)
  • Phil: “Turns out Rudolph the Orange Crotch Dick.” (03:34)
• They lampoon the camera angles and discuss worrying about “visible penis glow” (VPG) on the podcast.
  • Phil: “Could be a VPG. A visible penis glow. Worst acronym in human history.” (03:50)

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3. Dan and Phil's Times Square Billboard

[04:23] - [06:18]

• The pair celebrate their appearance on a Times Square billboard (for their Patreon), joking about being under a massive McDonald’s ad, and fans referring to it as the “FILboard.”
  • Dan: “We made it. Parasocial we. It’s not just me and Phil. It’s you—listeners and viewers—we did it!” (04:35)
  • Phil: “No offense to America, but isn't Times Square one of the worst places?” (04:44)
• Amused at being recognized by American strangers who have no idea who they are.
  • Phil as onlooker: “Damn, that guy’s hot. The blonde one.” (05:48)

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4. Mortifying Builder Bedroom Encounter

[08:38] - [12:00]

• Dan tells a “life-ruining” story when builders at their house unexpectedly moved his bedside drawer – revealing a magazine with Tim Cook’s face and novelty wrapping paper reading “THIS IS A MASSIVE DILDO.”
  • Phil: “Imagine what’s in your bedside drawer, people…massive dildo…” (10:24)
  • Dan: “…wrapping paper in giant, colorful letters, it says, this is a massive dildo…” (10:48)
• The duo clarify their living arrangements: separate bedrooms, bathrooms, and closets (“we need our space”), dispelling fan fantasies.
  • Dan: “Two different beds. Bedside drawers.” (09:45)

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5. "The Boys" and Name Change Absurdities

[12:13] - [16:15]

• Joking about always being called “the boys” (never “men” or “partners”), they riff on hypothetical married surnames and rebranding possibilities.
  • Dan: “Would you take my surname?” (12:51)
  • Dan: “Millie Bobby Bon Jovi. Branzino.” (13:03)
  • Phil: “I nearly did change my name to Zack Stryker.” (14:15)
• Suggest they’d only merge names if it gave them alphabetical or SEO advantage, inspired by Phil’s YouTube strategy.
  • Dan: “You need to prioritize search results. If you don’t know the origin story of Phil’s YouTube…” (14:45)

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6. Extremely British Slang and American Viewers

[35:05] - [36:28]

• American listener Brooke calls in, baffled by British slang.
• Dan and Phil unpack:
  • “Faffy/faff” = “hassle/trouble”
  • “Rubbish” = trash
  • Phil: “Just have a cup of tea and shut up.” (36:12)

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7. Reading Festival & Feral Music Stories

[17:34] - [21:19]

• Phil brings up the new Reading Festival lineup, prompting festival horror and nostalgia.
  • Dan: “Reading festival in the UK is like a zombie apocalypse. A woman pissed on my shoe.” (19:09)
  • Phil: “I need a Glastonbury yurt. I need my own toilet.” (19:57)
• They reminisce about a formative Muse concert, the differing festival energy compared to influencer events like Coachella, and the UK’s wild crowd behaviors.

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8. Memory and Cognitive "Tests"

[21:19] - [27:03]

• Inspired by Kim Kardashian’s “frontal brain power” meme, they quiz each other on recent and childhood memories—with both failing spectacularly.
  • Phil (on memory task): “What reel did I show you this morning?” (22:54)
  • Dan: “This explains everything. Fun game, Phil.” (23:02)
• Phil describes a dream about stopping gun-wielding assailants with Christmas-scented fire, Dan quizzes Phil on past birthday cakes, childhood vest slogans, and carpet colors.
• The struggle is real: “We have low brain power.” (27:03)

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9. Introvert Energy & Social Recovery

[27:05] - [27:43]

• Discuss the toll of social interactions, especially with strangers or after house invasions.
  • Dan: “A conversation with a postman, Phil is like, I need to lie down for three hours.” (27:28)

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10. Deep Sea Mysteries & Scuba Fears

[29:27] - [33:52]

• “Richard” segment—deep sea research as the topic reveals their skepticism about ocean exploration and admiration for octopuses’ intelligence.
  • Phil: “Would you go on an expedition into the Marianas Trench?”
    Dan: “Absolutely not.” (29:45)
  • Phil: “I think octopi are more intelligent than us.” (30:38)
• Phil confesses he’d only scuba dive again if limited to 10 meters, and Dan worries about past caving risks.
  • Dan: “The older you get, the more afraid of how fragile you are you become.” (32:47)

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11. Strip Games, Honest Confessions, and Listener Submissions

[36:31] - [40:24]

• Listeners submit their own “hard launches”—most notably, the idea of turning any game into a strip game (like Wii Golf), leading Dan and Phil into tales of awkward teen strip poker and spin the bottle.
  • Phil: “I played a strip game and I ended up up feeling very exposed because I'm bad at most games.” (37:56)
  • Dan: “Could have had a fun formative moment there. But I was like, don’t google that.” (38:05)
• Listener confesses to sharing a toothbrush with their fiancé.
  • Phil: “I would rather not brush my teeth than use your toothbrush.” (39:26)
  • Dan: “All respect for you and your horrible shrimp kink, but we say no, absolutely not.” (40:05)

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12. News: Listener Engagement & Naming New Segments

[40:34] - [42:27]

• A past listener’s proposal (submitted by podcast) was accepted—Dan and Phil claim credit for their first fan marriage.
  • Dan: “Our first hard commitment. We couldn’t do it, so they did it for us.” (40:50)
• Soliciting votes for Phil’s upcoming weird news segment, with options like “News Flash,” “Filling You In,” and jokingly “Piss of the Week”—which they summarily reject.
  • Phil: “Next week, we are gonna start my special news segment.” (42:18)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan (On the yaoi game reveal): “I was just trying to see if it would go anywhere…Shut the fuck up—for a video!” (02:24-02:26)
• Phil (Calling out the Discord mishap): “Your Discord status was showing the game you were playing!” (01:27)
• Dan (On builder horror): “They see Tim Cook’s face and massive font saying, this is a massive dildo.” (11:15)
• Phil (On fashion): “I’m trying to avoid a VPL situation.” (03:28)
• Dan (On Britishness): “If you were not someone that had a British phase on Tumblr…you might not know anything that we're talking [about].” (35:22)
• Phil (On festivals): “A woman pissed on my shoe.” (19:12)
• Dan (On memory decline): “This explains everything. Fun game, Phil.” (23:02)
• Dan (On marriage proposals): “You now unfortunately have downfall, plot armor and you have to stay married forever.” (40:54)

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Time-stamped Highlights

• [01:05] Dan's yaoi game humiliation
• [03:34] “Rudolph the Orange Crotch Dick” and heat-reactive clothes
• [04:23] Billboard celebration in Times Square
• [10:48] "This is a massive dildo" wrapping paper discovery
• [14:15] Phil’s YouTube username origin for alphabetic sorting
• [19:12] Festival trauma: “A woman pissed on my shoe.”
• [21:20] Surreal memory and “being born” anecdote
• [29:27] “Deep sea research,” octopus intelligence, and oceanic fears
• [36:10] British slang translation for American listeners
• [38:40] Phil's friend group: “all the boys kissed”
• [39:14] Listener confession: sharing toothbrushes
• [40:39] Listener proposal update: “they said yes!”
• [41:47] Joking about "Piss of the Week" news segment

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Final Thoughts & Listener Engagement

• Dan and Phil’s boundary-pushing confessions and relentless banter anchor the episode, blending absurd oversharing with genuine fan interaction.
• They end by encouraging listeners to join their Patreon, help name new show segments, and share their own “hard launches.”

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For more episodes and extras, join patreon.com/danandphil."

Transcript

[Ad Voice]

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Hey, this is Sarah. Look, I'm standing out front of a.m. p.m. Right now and, well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling, even kind of cheesy. But I like it. Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell, oatmeal.

[Phil Lester]

So long, you strange soggy. Break up with bland breakfasts and taste.

[Dan Howell]

AMPM's bacon, egg and cheese biscuit made with K tree eggs, smoked bacon and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. Am P M. Too much.

[Phil Lester]

Good stuff. Dan was caught playing a yaoi game last night.

[Monet X Change]

No.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so embarrassed. I've never been this exposed, ever. But there's a perfectly reasonable excuse.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah? What is the excuse?

[Dan Howell]

I was playing a homosexual dating simulator for research because I thought that maybe we could do it because the viewers of this podcast would enjoy it, right? And I went to all lengths to try to protect my anonymity. I went invisible on Steam.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, you're invisible on Steam, but what you didn't know is your Discord status was showing you the game you were playing.

[Dan Howell]

I like my friends to know what I'm playing in case they're like, hey, I saw you're online. Do you want to hop in? I did not want anyone to hop into the yaoi. Oh, for God's sake.

[Phil Lester]

Yaoi boys were hopping on something. You've not only got your friends, My northern friends from Manchester, you've got other YouTubers there.

[Dan Howell]

And it was saying, you don't understand. The people that I'm friends with on Discord is business contacts. So Phil's friends from Manchester, my straight gamer friends that don't understand this world. No markiplier.

[Phil Lester]

And Dan, the game you chose had such an explicit name, I can't even say.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I didn't. Okay, no. Some of these dating games are purely about the romance and the comedy.

[Phil Lester]

Right?

[Dan Howell]

It turned out this one was really about the gyration and the animation.

[Phil Lester]

The gyration. And just for the science. Why were you playing it For Two hours.

I'm just curious.

[Dan Howell]

I was just trying to see if it would go anywhere.

[Phil Lester]

Go anywhere.

[Dan Howell]

Shut the fuck up for a video.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, right. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah, there I was thinking that I was gooning in peace. Alas, everyone that I've ever worked with, known, or looked up to has seen exactly what I was doing for two hours.

[Phil Lester]

So many tentacles, so little time. Too much time, apparently.

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Welcome to crazy pants day on hard launch days. Welcome.

[Phil Lester]

If you're listening to the podcast, Dan is wearing some very strappy pants right now.

[Dan Howell]

Don't get excited. Not like that.

[Phil Lester]

I'm wearing heat reactive pants, which it's.

[Dan Howell]

All fun and games because Phil's like, look, I can put my hand on my knee.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And release.

[Phil Lester]

There we go. See?

[Dan Howell]

No, I don't see.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, it kind of works.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's got cold lizard blood hands. Life was not detected. It was a simulation. And that makes so much.

[Phil Lester]

The problem is the podcast cameras are a little bit crotchy.

[Dan Howell]

And yeah, Phil's used to a top down cut off below the titties angle when we create content. He's not used to crotch.

[Phil Lester]

I'm trying to avoid a VPL situation.

[Dan Howell]

Who went to biology class and learned what areas of the human body emit heat?

[Phil Lester]

Turns out Rudolph the Orange Crotch Dick.

[Dan Howell]

Man has a very glowy crotch.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

And if you ever saw him.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

Finish the sentence.

[Phil Lester]

He will get removed from YouTube.

[Dan Howell]

That blotch is an STD, so it.

[Phil Lester]

Could be a VPG. A visible penis. Glow.

[Dan Howell]

Worst acronym in human history.

[Phil Lester]

I know. I'm sorry, everyone that's watching the podcast. Anyway.

[Dan Howell]

Can you just cross your legs for the rest of this episode?

[Phil Lester]

Is that better?

[Dan Howell]

Probably not. It's probably just revealing your hole.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa.

[Dan Howell]

We should just start not coordinating outfits and having themes.

[Phil Lester]

I like this theme. You've not introduced yourself, Dan. I've been trying to teach you the ways.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, I'm Dan Howell, author of the Mental Health book. You will get through this night. Welcome to the Glowing Crotch Show.

[Phil Lester]

And I am Phil Lester, the man with the glowing crotch.

[Dan Howell]

If the Mondays are hard, we'll know about it this week.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

We were on a billboard in Times Square.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dan Howell]

We made it.

[Phil Lester]

We did.

[Dan Howell]

It was the first time.

[Phil Lester]

It's the first time in Times Square. Right?

[Dan Howell]

It's the first time that the Dan and Phil Hard launch podcast has been in a picture there.

[Phil Lester]

No offense.

[Dan Howell]

We made it. Chat.

[Phil Lester]

We.

[Dan Howell]

Parasocial we. It's not just me and Phil. It's you.

[Phil Lester]

It's you.

[Dan Howell]

Listeners and the viewers we did it are in Times Square.

[Phil Lester]

No offense to America, but isn't Times Square one of the worst places?

[Dan Howell]

Piccadilly Circus, Times Square. If you go on a pilgrimage to look at a fucking advert, you are cooked.

[Phil Lester]

But do go on a pilgrimage to look at our advert, which is, I.

[Dan Howell]

Want you there and I want you ninja New Year's Eve. I want to see movement.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Monet X Change]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I want you throwing ass in front of the Dan and Phil billboard.

[Phil Lester]

Patreon reached out to say, hey, guess what, Dan and Phil, you're on a billboard promoting your Patreon. And that was a nice treat.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks, guys. Yeah, we were beneath a giant McDonald's advert, and that was the meme. I don't know what Patreon wanted. They were like, yes, we're going to get this promo. It's going to be really cute. And then what goes viral was McDonald's had taken out the hugest piece of screen real estate ever, to be honest. Okay. Funny post from them. They go, can I get like. It's a tweet. However, we are directly underneath it. So as Twitter user Kylie said, can I get a large dip and pimple combo?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. It doesn't like someone is ordering us at McDonald's 100%.

[Dan Howell]

We took them down from the inside.

[Phil Lester]

We did. It's crazy to think how many people have just stared at us being like, who are they?

[Dan Howell]

Damn.

[Phil Lester]

Damn, that guy's hot. The blonde one.

Right? It's the Dan and Phil board.

[Dan Howell]

Aw, that's cute. The Phil board. So in case anyone's new, I will reiterate this point because it is discriminatory. Dan and Phil are called fan anything. That is the Dan and Phil is fanified, which means you just replace the start of it with a ph. However, this completely excludes Dan. So the Dan and Phil billboard would be the FIL board, and that's literally just your fucking name.

[Phil Lester]

Our other billboard was on a massive building in la. We were riding on a giant lion and a llama.

[Dan Howell]

That was a hate crime against the people of Sunset.

[Phil Lester]

Our friend Anthony Padilla was in a hotel and he opened his curtains and just saw a massive Dan Howell face staring at him.

[Dan Howell]

Morning logged Alaska up in that thing.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine trying to sell Sunset and then you see those two, Dan and Phil riding a giant llama and a lion outside your thing. Sorry. The value of all West Hollywood property.

[Phil Lester]

Do you think Chrishell saw us and was like, who's that?

[Dan Howell]

I think that was pre her era.

[Phil Lester]

I think she still worked at The Oppenheim Group.

[Dan Howell]

We Openheim. Openkian Oppenheim. We are what inspired her to start her career.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, that's the one. It was.

[Dan Howell]

Have you ever bought something because it's on a billboard, though?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like in the era of Instagram knows what you're dreaming about. And here's a targeted ad just for you. Because Phil said yes to everything when you opened up the app. Who needs physical media anymore?

[Phil Lester]

When I see a big ad, it kind of hurts my eyes.

[Dan Howell]

Apart from the Dan and Phil Patreon billboard, which is great.

[Phil Lester]

We love that.

[Dan Howell]

And cool capitalism. Good. When Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think any billboard has made me want to buy an iPhone.

[Dan Howell]

Enough about advertising.

[Monet X Change]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Did you have anything else to say? I don't care.

[Ad Voice]

Marshall's buyers are hustling hard to get amazing new gifts into stores right up to the last minute. Like a designer perfume for that friend who never RSVP'd wishlist topping toys for her kids who came too. Belgian chocolates for the neighbor. A cozy scarf for your boss. And a wool jacket for your husband that you definitely did not. Almost forget. Marshalls. We get the deals, you give the good stuff. Even at the last minute.

[Dan Howell]

Phew.

[Ad Voice]

Find a Marshall's near you. Coca Cola for the big. For the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, Risk takers for the optimists. Pessimists for long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers for old friends and new Coca Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca Cola at a store near you.

[Dan Howell]

I had a mortifying life ruining experience.

[Phil Lester]

More than looking at yaoi on steam.

[Dan Howell]

It actually might have been.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So we've got men in our house.

[Phil Lester]

Men. More men. There's more men now.

[Dan Howell]

They're the same builders, but there's like two more.

[Phil Lester]

They've multiplied.

[Dan Howell]

They brought friends.

[Phil Lester]

Mitosis.

[Dan Howell]

They're breeding. They are osmosis. If you're lucky.

[Phil Lester]

The powerhouse of the cell.

[Dan Howell]

If you're wearing those booty shorts.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Which we have established was a lie. I did add to ask three times.

[Phil Lester]

To verify it wasn't.

[Dan Howell]

They're plastering my walls. Not like that. Am I right, ladies? And apparently for the process of this, they had to dismiss. Dismantle my bed. Because I guess it was against the wall and it was in the way. But the drawers weren't connected to it, so they just had to take them out. They didn't tell me that this was necessary. So imagine my existential horror when I walk into my bedroom in the middle.

[Phil Lester]

Of the day, people's ears are going to be pricking up, like, why is he saying my bedroom? I thought you'd.

[Dan Howell]

Hard lord, not your bedroom. Is it not our bedroom?

[Phil Lester]

Are you not in bed together right now?

[Dan Howell]

Is it not our collective bedroom?

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. We've got two bedrooms, separate bedrooms. We need our space.

[Dan Howell]

Two different closets, two different bathrooms. Two different bathrooms. There happen to be two different beds. Bedside drawers.

[Phil Lester]

My bedside drawers are in another bedroom.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God, because you are the clusterfuck.

[Phil Lester]

Wouldn't you like to know what's in there?

[Dan Howell]

I've looked in your bedside drawer.

[Phil Lester]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

You've just. Because, I don't know. Looking for stuff. Having a million empty ibuprofen packets. Like an earplug. Just one earplug, a rubber band and some lint.

[Phil Lester]

All right.

[Dan Howell]

Well, anyway, I was scared because these builders opened my bedside drawer, took it out, placed it ceremoniously in the middle of the room to keep it away from all the walls.

[Phil Lester]

And what was in your bedside drawer?

[Dan Howell]

Well, now imagine what's in your bedside drawer. People.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah, people are just picturing a massive dildo. Dan, you need to say something.

[Dan Howell]

It's funny you say that, actually, not because of that. Okay, hear me out for at least 10 seconds, guys.

[Phil Lester]

Good.

[Dan Howell]

I had a copy of GQ that had Tim Cook on the COVID that I bought before Trump's inauguration.

[Phil Lester]

Why is it still in there?

[Dan Howell]

I don't open my bedro.

[Phil Lester]

You can see Tim Cook's face.

[Dan Howell]

Not something I. Yeah, it's a jump scare, right? And now I don't want to read it.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, things are heating up. Oh, hello, Tim.

[Dan Howell]

There goes the Apple sponsor. As a joke, I thought it would be really, really funny if for a friend of ours that has a sense of humor, I bought this novelty wrapping paper, and I kid you not, Phil, the wrapping paper in giant, colorful letters, it says, this is a massive dildo. Which is obviously really funny wrapping paper to give someone a fricking kinder egg or whatever the fuck.

[Phil Lester]

So the builders have opened the drawer and it just says, this is a massive dildo.

[Dan Howell]

They see Tim Cook's face and massive font saying, this is a massive dildo.

[Phil Lester]

That's almost funnier than it being a dildo.

[Dan Howell]

I was like, is the vibe off? When I walked into that room and said, how's it going, lads? How wet are the walls today?

[Phil Lester]

Wet.

[Dan Howell]

And they just wouldn't make eye contact with me.

[Phil Lester]

And that's why do they know that.

[Dan Howell]

There could have actually been Tim Cook in my drawer because I kidnapped him.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. A little bit of. Hey, do you want us to, like.

[Dan Howell]

Why does everything in your head go to a porn scenario?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

They're just going to work, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

No, that wasn't it. I was just saying they could have. Before they put your drawers out on.

[Dan Howell]

They should have as a courtesy call, actually, as a mental health protocol for themselves.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

If you walk into a homosexual's apartment, you say, I am going to open your bedside drawer. How many hours do you need to hide the body of that CEO?

[Ad Voice]

Ooh.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah, hopefully I'm gonna have, like, an exciting new bedroom.

[Phil Lester]

That's exciting. Looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to not being surrounded by sweaty men again. It's got a bit much now.

[Dan Howell]

Even though last time you were like, oh, they called me the bo.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Can we not even be taken seriously enough to be called partners?

[Phil Lester]

I'm just not talking to them anymore. I'm just hiding.

[Dan Howell]

Damn. Maybe we need to wife up, which makes no sense with each other.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

To gain credibility in the eyes of these builders.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I see.

[Dan Howell]

Because everyone just calls us the boys.

[Phil Lester]

The boys.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone calls us the boys.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, boys.

[Dan Howell]

We are two grown ass.

[Phil Lester]

Long men. Long.

[Dan Howell]

And yet everyone calls Dan and Phil the boys.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

To the builders, like you're in our home. We are Dan and Phil partners. No, we're just the boys to them.

[Phil Lester]

We'll never be men until you grow your gruff beard.

[Dan Howell]

So we will never be men?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Would you take my surname?

[Phil Lester]

Your surname?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

In marriage?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Where does that come from?

[Dan Howell]

Well, I'm just thinking about the rebrand. What would happen? Cause your Phil Lester, would it just destroy everything? Millie Bobby Brown changed her name. Right.

[Phil Lester]

What's she called now?

[Dan Howell]

Millie Bobby Bon Jovi.

[Phil Lester]

That's not real.

[Dan Howell]

Branzino. Millie. Bonnie Bon Jovi.

[Phil Lester]

Millie Bonnie Bon Jovi.

[Dan Howell]

That sounds less real than what I said.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want to be mean to. Look, people have got names. You can't help it if you marry a Bon Jovi. And that's quite a cool name to marry. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

I've got problems. I married a Bon Jovi.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Oh, no. Millie. Bonnie Bon Jo. It's just a bit of a. Say that three times fast.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Philip Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Philip Lester.

[Dan Howell]

Philip Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Philip Lester.

[Dan Howell]

Philip M. Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Millie. Bonnie Bon Jovi. I can't even say it. You say it.

[Dan Howell]

Philip. Millie, Bonnie Bon Jovi.

[Phil Lester]

Philly Buca di Peppo.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Daniel. You would be Dan Lester or I would be Phil Howell.

[Dan Howell]

It's wrong. Sorry, guys. This is never gonna happen. Purely for brand.

[Phil Lester]

Which is actually what two of our married friends did when they got married. They.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I hope they scissors before they got married.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, they did. And they made up a new last name.

[Dan Howell]

They don't have to.

[Phil Lester]

Which was Star.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. It's neither of their names.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no. It's Star. I just realized a new net last name.

[Dan Howell]

How did I just realize that?

[Phil Lester]

Wow, I love that.

[Dan Howell]

That's good for them.

[Phil Lester]

We should do that.

Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Appropriate non binary culture. Get that Starbucks barista name. Right.

[Phil Lester]

We need to go.

[Dan Howell]

Phil Stryker. To Zap.

[Phil Lester]

I wanted Phil Stryker.

[Dan Howell]

Ezekiel McNose.

[Phil Lester]

I honestly nearly did change my name to Zack Striker. So would you be Dan Striker if.

[Dan Howell]

I met you and you said I changed my name to Phil Stryker? I've gone red flag.

[Phil Lester]

Zack Striker.

[Dan Howell]

Even worse.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. No, so. So if we did seal the well.

[Dan Howell]

That wouldn't have happened. There would have been no clapping.

[Phil Lester]

No. But if we did it today, what name would we invent to be the new collective name?

[Dan Howell]

Dan Thicke.

[Phil Lester]

What? Dan and Phil Thicke.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

You need to prioritize Girth. You need to prioritize search results. Cause if you don't know the origin story of Phil's YouTube username, AmazingPhil, is because he wanted to appear first in alphabetical lists.

[Phil Lester]

I want a cool one.

[Dan Howell]

And the reason why Phil has more Instagram followers is when people make bot accounts, they need to follow loads of verified users to seem like they're real people. They go to the top of the verified users list and there's amazing film.

[Phil Lester]

There I am. Shout out.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna call myself Dan0000001.

[Phil Lester]

Ah, that's our new surname.

[Dan Howell]

Grime's ass fucking name.

[Phil Lester]

What about a cool one like Astrologian?

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

What about Aquaphor? Oh, I bought you some Aquaphor for your lips.

[Dan Howell]

Leave me alone.

[Phil Lester]

They're a bit chat. I mean, I can't help, but you can't stay hydrated.

[Dan Howell]

I rub Vaseline on them.

[Phil Lester]

We could get a spon.

[Dan Howell]

It could do with stress.

[Phil Lester]

It is stress. It's actually genetic as well. I.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, I'm not doing a high five. I'm blaming you for my stress induced lip cracks.

[Phil Lester]

Every time.

[Dan Howell]

You are the crack in my psyche. You are the crack in my lips.

[Phil Lester]

Every time I speak to you, I just hear a little and it's another lip crack.

[Dan Howell]

Every time I hear you, my skin splits open in agony.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dan Howell]

It's like a lemming Trying to throw itself off a cliff. My body is cellularly disassembling itself. Every week that I spend with you sat in this inflatable chair.

[Phil Lester]

Are these your marriage vows? When we become Dan and Phil Aquaphor.

[Dan Howell]

And so anyone that is playing the long game with Dan and Phil, hoping for Phil's trad arc. That's why it's not gonna happen.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my crotch is really glowing now.

[Dan Howell]

Crotch update.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

He's in the hot seat.

[Phil Lester]

I wish it was that bad.

[Dan Howell]

You know that I'm making points and they're landing because Phil is getting hot. Like an inkblot test.

[Phil Lester]

I'm really glowing. Sorry. Moving on.

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[Phil Lester]

I saw that Reading festival have announced their new lineup and everyone's really excited about it. You're from Reading? Are you excited?

[Dan Howell]

That is my culture.

[Phil Lester]

It's in your garden.

[Dan Howell]

That is my festival.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

England is my city.

[Phil Lester]

I was excited. There's a band called Geese. I've not heard of the band called Geese, but I'm immediately. I'm immediately a fan.

[Dan Howell]

You're in just cause they're called Geese.

[Phil Lester]

Geese.

[Dan Howell]

It's like indie rock.

[Phil Lester]

Is it?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, you might like it. It's more Phil than Dan.

[Phil Lester]

What are the fans called? Honkers.

[Dan Howell]

Honkers. Get your honks out.

[Phil Lester]

Get in the gander.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I want to hear some gaggles in the pit.

[Phil Lester]

Who are you excited about on that list?

[Dan Howell]

I want to see what Charli XCX does with the headliner money. If you got given Headline Festival money, what would you spend it on for one day. Cause we went to go see Muse.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

The one time that Phil has been to Wedding Festival. I dragged him here.

[Phil Lester]

What was the year?2011. It was a horrible experience. I was. Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Phil went to go see the once in a lifetime 10 year anniversary headlining performance, playing the favorite album of all time, Origin of Symmetry, from front to back with a set that recreated the album art. Because that's what's exciting about festivals. People get to spend money on sick sets.

[Phil Lester]

That was sick. That was fucking amazing.

[Dan Howell]

What was also sick?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I was sick. I was full of a cold. And the whole festival was so stressful. People were throwing piss at me. There was tents on fire, feral people stamping on legs.

[Dan Howell]

I don't get the impression that influencer Coachella is like this. I think it's just a bunch of people with bbls taking selfies.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

And it's very dusty. Reading festival in the UK is like a zombie apocalypse.

[Phil Lester]

A woman pissed on my shoe.

[Dan Howell]

She didn't know where she was.

[Phil Lester]

She just.

[Dan Howell]

She had a lot. She had a lot on her plate. She had a lot on her tongue.

[Phil Lester]

She just lifted a skirt up and let a stream flow.

[Dan Howell]

Let it go. I was there in 2007. A guy that had face makeup to look like Heath Ledger's joker just started pissing in the middle of the arcade fireside.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

And this is normal.

[Phil Lester]

I think everyone just refers to kind of a tribal, primal energy. It's like exciting.

[Dan Howell]

I cannot believe that I went to Wedding Festival when I was like 15, four years in a row. I can't believe my mum let me. I could have been eaten by someone because they didn't know what they were doing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I was afraid.

[Dan Howell]

Good times.

[Phil Lester]

I was afraid for my life.

[Dan Howell]

But you're saying that you're too much of a bougie bitch to be in a pissy field.

[Phil Lester]

I've always been a bougie bitch.

[Dan Howell]

You need a Glastonbury yurt.

[Phil Lester]

I need.

[Dan Howell]

You need to glamp.

[Phil Lester]

I need my own toilet. That is not like that. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I need somewhere to just relax for a moment.

[Dan Howell]

And you want to see the band with a pair of opera binoculars. From a vantage point, I would ideally.

[Phil Lester]

Always be sat down.

So seven hours of standing for Phil. At least.

[Dan Howell]

Own it, King.

[Phil Lester]

Even at that young age, I was like, oh, my God, we got some.

[Dan Howell]

Comments on Spotify only. Oh, my God. Nothing scares me more than the fact that, like, Spotify has a comment section.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I know.

[Dan Howell]

Unfiltered random. Who the fuck is in that actually.

[Phil Lester]

Very funny, though. Our Spotify podcast, shout out to the.

[Dan Howell]

Hard launch Spotify commenters, but also YouTube and other places. Who agrees with Phil that sometimes music festivals are very cool, but also feral and standing up for seven hours is uncomfortable? Yeah, yeah. Speak on it.

[Phil Lester]

I think it was a bonding experience for both of us, though.

[Dan Howell]

You will get through this set.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And thankfully we didn't take a tent because you lived next door to it, so we went back to your house instead.

[Dan Howell]

That's my privilege.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like I've been too harsh on the festival, though. That was a very nice Dan and Phil fetus memory.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah. Apart from the squalid conditions, it was a really fun day out. Only Dan and Phil and I think.

[Phil Lester]

You kind of can romanticize something in the past, and then you forget all of the piss on your shoe.

[Dan Howell]

You forget the senses.

[Phil Lester]

And the muse thing was the best thing I've ever seen.

[Dan Howell]

You remember the sounds, you don't remember the smells. Perfect memories.

[Phil Lester]

What is your first memory?

[Dan Howell]

I remember being born.

[Phil Lester]

You don't remember being born?

[Dan Howell]

I remember being born.

[Phil Lester]

People say that, oh, I remember I.

[Dan Howell]

Have a toxic trait, which is it might have been a dream, but I remember being somewhere dark.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And then seeing, like, a tunnel of light and then seeing a guy with a mask on his face. And it might have been a dream, but I've told this story so many times that I've gaslit myself into remembering that I remember being born.

[Phil Lester]

You saw the hands of the doctor pulling you out of the vagina.

[Dan Howell]

No, I just came out. Oh, you just climbed out.

[Phil Lester]

You just emerged out in an ethereal light? Yep, sure.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of memory, did you hear about Kim Kardashian? She did some kind of brain test, and they said she has low frontal brain power or something.

[Dan Howell]

And this is the power of representation. How do you feel after that, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

I think that was a funny thing to do on camera.

[Dan Howell]

He missed the read. That's hilarious.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

He walked right into that one, didn't he?

[Phil Lester]

What was the read?

[Monet X Change]

What?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Don't worry, baby girl.

[Phil Lester]

Baby hound.

[Dan Howell]

Was he being sweet to him again?

[Phil Lester]

Babe. Guys, Baby. Man.

[Dan Howell]

There's nothing wrong with calling people babe, honey, affectionately. And a lot of British people go, you're right, babe.

[Phil Lester]

All right, babe.

[Dan Howell]

When me and Phil say it, we are saying it ironically and condescendingly. And that's not to say that we can't be cute with each other. It's just that we are maybe because of the Britishness and maybe because of who we are. Sarcastic twats.

[Phil Lester]

We are very sarcastic. To be honest, people are ripping it to shreds about this, but, I mean, it's just like an interesting thing to do on camera, Right? Let's get a brain scan.

[Dan Howell]

It's a goofy reality show.

[Phil Lester]

It's a goofy reality show that we.

[Dan Howell]

Right now see what we can remember. This is our test to see whether we're gonna keep it together.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

In old age.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, why don't we think of Phil?

[Dan Howell]

What's my name?

[Phil Lester]

Jeff. Let's think of three brain tests of each other, of memories.

[Dan Howell]

What reel did I show you this morning?

[Phil Lester]

You showed me.

[Dan Howell]

This was about four hours ago.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, wait. Shut up.

[Dan Howell]

We're cooked. No, wait.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

This explains everything. Fun game, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

First thing this morning, Dan was like, look at this reel. And I was hardly even awake.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I was hardly awake. Excuse me.

[Phil Lester]

It was one of those hierarchs things that go, meh, meh, meh. Nope, it was a dog.

[Dan Howell]

Nope.

[Phil Lester]

It was a hot man. Nope.

[Dan Howell]

It was a mum and a little girl putting pegs on their tongue. And then she swapped out her real tongue for a fake tongue and made her little girl think that she ripped out her tongue with a peg.

[Phil Lester]

That was cruel.

[Dan Howell]

It was funny as hell. Traumatic.

[Phil Lester]

That is gonna be a core memory of fear.

[Dan Howell]

And yet you don't remember.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

Start for Michael Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Shh. I had a dream. Okay, Cynthia, Cynthia, are you trying to.

[Dan Howell]

Activate the synapses there?

[Phil Lester]

The synapse is coming.

[Dan Howell]

I'm ready.

[Phil Lester]

Did you know I. I had a nightmare that two men were holding me at gunpoint and I stopped them. How?

[Dan Howell]

By putting on those Catboy booty shorts?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Did you tell me this?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. This went straight into my Phil's talking nonsense filter. You had a nightmare that you were being held at gunpoint and you stopped them by pushing them down the stairs?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Monet X Change]

What?

[Phil Lester]

I poured Christmas scented fuel on them and set them on fire.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck? Okay, I remember that now. I remember that now because I think I said, phil, what the hell?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, they were just gonna kill me.

[Dan Howell]

And how did two people holding you at gunpoint not realize that you were slowly pouring Christmas scented people on them?

[Phil Lester]

Well, we've got a fire. And on ebay I found some Christmas scented bioethanol. You can get like mint. You can get bananas.

[Dan Howell]

I think you shouldn't play with fire. And when you get into your. I found some cheap Christmas scented fuel on the Internet. It's a bad, spooky concept.

[Phil Lester]

Some are just, like, based on Concepts as well. One is happiness. Oh, my Lord. What's that gonna smell like? I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

A freshly pissed field in Reading.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

All right, next one. Dan.

[Dan Howell]

What flavor birthday cake did I have two years ago?

[Phil Lester]

Two years ago you had a baklava flavored one which was like so close.

[Dan Howell]

It was actually rasmalai.

[Phil Lester]

What the hell is rasmalai?

[Dan Howell]

It's an Indian dessert. Cardamom and saffron, pistachio and rose.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what that was. Do you not remember?

[Dan Howell]

Because I said that and everyone said, dan, what's wrong with you? And I said, y' all need to get into Indian dessert.

[Phil Lester]

It was like rose water, cardamom and.

[Dan Howell]

Saffrons are like two of my favorite flavors.

[Phil Lester]

Give me half a point. Mmm.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Okay, maybe. Dan, I'm ready. Hit me.

[Phil Lester]

We were talking about having a baby the other day.

[Dan Howell]

What? Okay, not in a serious way. And I said, roller coaster for the shippers out there?

[Phil Lester]

No, I just said, if we have a swirl and make a science baby, I can tell.

[Dan Howell]

Immediately I started compartmentalizing this in real time.

[Phil Lester]

I said, dan, what traits from each of us do you think you'd like to go into the baby? And what were your two answers? One from Dan and one from.

[Dan Howell]

I think I said I want the baby to have my eyesight and I want it to have your ability to remember people's birthdays.

[Phil Lester]

No, you did not say either of those things. You said, I hope it gets my curly hair. And I said, what about my physical traits? And you said, you've got nice ears.

Of all of the things I think.

[Dan Howell]

I did specifically say, that was after.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, ears.

[Dan Howell]

So I did say that it should have your ability to thoughtfully remember people's birthdays, which was me being nice.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And you chose to. To selectively ignore that and tell me that I'm wrong on the pod. I get half a point and we don't need to bump fingers. I'm taking it. Okay. 11 years ago, I used to wear a vest all the time. What did it say on it?

[Phil Lester]

It said howl fuck off. Okay, whatever. Alright? I had a parent's.

[Dan Howell]

I had a parent's origin story. He was immaculately conceived by Satan.

[Phil Lester]

My parents house had a predominantly color of carpet. What was that color? I can't speak in real sentences today.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's growing up carpet was green. Your house carpet was red.

[Phil Lester]

No, the whole thing was green. What? My whole house carpet was a dark green. And then mine, like, transitioned into fluorescent green. We like green in the Leicester house. I dye everything green Grinches. So it turns out we have low brain power.

Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

[Dan Howell]

Professional talk is over here.

[Phil Lester]

The plasterers arrived at 7am and I. I've not had time to catch up. Brain wise, we are very, very, very.

[Dan Howell]

Sensitive to our space being invaded. Me and Phil are incredible introverts when it comes to energy levels. I don't know what it is. If we go on a night out. We need a full week to recover.

[Phil Lester]

A night out. That happens a lot, doesn't it?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, once a month. And then it takes us out for the rest of the fucking month.

[Phil Lester]

It takes us out.

[Dan Howell]

A conversation with a postman, Phil is like, I need to lie down for three hours.

[Phil Lester]

Have a breath.

[Dan Howell]

So someone looking at my. This is a massive dildo wallpaper. I need to go. I'm taking Christmas early. The podcast will resume.

[Phil Lester]

It's in wallpaper.

[Dan Howell]

Christmas gift wrapping, novelty gift wrapping. I'm redecorating my bedroom with wallpaper. Black wallpaper that in colorful text says, this is a massive dildo, Richard. And then I'm going to have a giant picture of Tim Cook framed on the ceiling.

[Phil Lester]

We've gone too far.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we live in.

[Phil Lester]

Last week's was just Australia. So I'm hoping Richard short and sweet provides us with something else. Oh, I got a golden ball. Hey.

[Dan Howell]

Holy shit. What's this about? Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Anyone? That is on our Patreon, if you're a free member or a friend or a fam, all you have to do.

[Dan Howell]

Is go to patreon.com dan and phil and follow for the free stuff that.

[Phil Lester]

We keep posting on the pod. When this golden ball is selected, one of you, one of you is going to win a golden pig.

[Dan Howell]

Phil has committed to this idea that he's gonna mail a golden pig to a random follower wherever you are in the world. So, Kim Jong Un, you are gonna cause us some real problems when you win this lottery.

[Phil Lester]

Get on the Patreon Also, you're gonna be able to ask a question and we'll answer whatever it is on the following podcast.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, what is the long number on your credit card?

[Phil Lester]

It could be that now is your chance. I'll say it. So, yeah, go to patreon.com Dan and Phil if you want to get the.

[Dan Howell]

Ball, if you want to enter the pig draw.

[Phil Lester]

It's going in. Pig. Layla. Sorry. Take him.

[Dan Howell]

Just call our producer.

[Phil Lester]

I'm so sorry, Leila.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, Charles.

[Monet X Change]

Help.

[Phil Lester]

Where? It's going in.

[Dan Howell]

We're opening the Lid. There we go. Well, it's not gonna be today's episode. It might be today's episode. Crank that thing. The ball dropped down.

[Phil Lester]

Warmth. Are you ready for a crack?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it's the same color as your pants.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go.

[Dan Howell]

Pants. Oh, a sneaky pop.

[Phil Lester]

Today, deep sea research.

[Monet X Change]

All right.

[Dan Howell]

James Cameron is on the downfall. Patreon. And he filled that ball.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. What was he doing down there?

[Phil Lester]

Thanks, James.

[Dan Howell]

So not making Avatar.

[Phil Lester]

We have been deep into the sea. 10 meters deep into the sea.

[Dan Howell]

It's deep as far as swimming pools go.

[Phil Lester]

I felt like that was deep. Would you go on an expedition into the Marianas Trench?

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

What if you.

[Dan Howell]

Absolutely not.

[Phil Lester]

What if you knew you wouldn't implode like the Titan submersible and you would be fine? Would you do it?

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

I think there's something ancient down there.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, like old whales. That's just a thing. Greenland Sharks are about 300.

[Phil Lester]

They are ancient. But I think down at the very core of the Earth, you think Cthulhu's there. Something.

[Dan Howell]

Not a giant squid, not a colossal squid. A thick squid. One million years old, one million foot.

[Phil Lester]

Wide, just waiting with its gaping maw, ready to like this.

[Dan Howell]

Sounds like a fanfic I read once. I think that aliens are not ever gonna look as interesting as jellyfish. I think that if you've watched a single documentary about the abyssal Pl, what can any fantasy illustrator or alien in the infinitiness of deep space do that some fucked up, toothless, translucent fish has not done already?

[Phil Lester]

They're glowing. They're tentacling. Exactly. They're translucent. You can see their heartbeats through their eyes. I think octopi are more intelligent than us.

[Dan Howell]

That ain't hard. Have you read Facebook comments recently?

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Jesus made out of shrimp. That really happened? No, girl shrimp Jesus is gonna get eaten by the octopus.

[Phil Lester]

People are cooking their brains on Facebook with these AI pictures of stuff, but octopi, more importantly, I saw a YouTube video a couple of weeks ago where a guy had trained an octopus to play the piano. That wasn't AI as far as I know.

[Dan Howell]

Okay?

[Phil Lester]

It was all through food based challenges, but it was obviously you can train.

[Dan Howell]

An animal to do anything for food. It's like when those people have all the buttons on the floor and then cats are like, I am sad. Why is God not real? Does my mother love me titties? Is. It's like, no, you put a biscuit and then the cat just went boop.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, but I've seen an Octopus. Open a jar that is already inside, like, from the inside, and climb out so they understand.

[Dan Howell]

If I had suckers, I'd do that.

[Phil Lester]

The jar can spin. Would you go down into the ocean scuba diving again? Because we went scuba diving.

[Dan Howell]

I was proud of you, Phil. Honestly. Phil is just not an adventurous person. No speaking to a mailman. Need two hours rest. He was at the bottom of the sea.

[Phil Lester]

I was at the bottom of the sea.

[Dan Howell]

What made you so brave on this trip? Was it just that we nearly died on a pontoon so you thought, I need to turn this around?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, maybe it was that. Also, I feel like I was scared of the breathing thing, and it was just like breathing air, and that didn't bother me too much. Secondly, I was so excited to see a turtle. I think it superseded my anxiety. But now thinking about it, I'm like, if I went today, I'd be scared that the air tank would break and I would or something.

[Dan Howell]

I look back at things I did as a child, and I'm like, why? I went caving when I was 11.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

And I was just with a bunch of people that were in year seven, eighth grade, and there were a bunch of kids that were like, oh, what? Don't be coward. Go in that tiny hole. And I was just sliding between some rocks, and then I look back and I'm just like, no, get me out of the cave.

[Phil Lester]

Absolutely, 100% not going in that cave.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like the older you get, the more afraid of how fragile you are you become.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. So I think I would go scuba diving again, but not any deeper than 10. I feel like 10 is fine. And they also said, hey, if you do it more times, you can go on your own. I'm like, I don't want to go on my own.

[Dan Howell]

Congratulations, Dan and Phil. You're ready for level two, where you can rent your own boat and go out without an instructor. Pass.

[Phil Lester]

Fuck that. Imagine if we take our little dinghy out. We're like, oh, let's go deep underwater.

[Dan Howell]

Why in this scenario are Dan and Phil rowing a dinghy into the mid Pacific?

[Phil Lester]

I'm not buying a boat.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah, if you have a shit enough boat, the orcas won't attack you. They'll look at you and go, we'll.

[Phil Lester]

Just attach some paddles to these inflatable chairs and hover out there.

[Dan Howell]

I thought you were gonna be, like, flotation devices to my thick ass. And we'll bob along until we reach dry land.

[Phil Lester]

My ass is pure muscle.

[Dan Howell]

What are you gonna do with all.

[Phil Lester]

Those humps not full of air.

[Dan Howell]

You've never done a squat in your life.

[Phil Lester]

I've done a squat.

[Dan Howell]

When was the last time you did a squat? How many months have you been paying for a gym membership?

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

When was the last time you went.

[Phil Lester]

We're talking about the deep sea.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, sorry. We're going back to the fun Richard segment, which is not the shaming Phil for not having a squad Final deep sea thoughts? What is the number one question you want deep sea researchers to answer?

[Phil Lester]

I want to know.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Phil. We need the cricket sound. We need the cricket. Nothing. No. We got honk. No. Badoomed gay. We need crickets.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like we're going to be able to translate what whale are saying eventually because they say so much stuff to each other in so many different noises. I think, where's that squid? You're gonna be able to get. You're gonna be able to get some kind of babble situation.

[Dan Howell]

Duolingo whale. Oh, I love that you said Babel.

[Phil Lester]

We like Babbel.

[Dan Howell]

Previously sponsored us on YouTube. I like what you did there.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

Babbel is run by real language experts, which is why they have Willie the whale, who did the whale course.

[Phil Lester]

I think we're gonna learn what whales are saying, and then we're gonna be like, oh, God, it's gonna come at a cost.

[Dan Howell]

Ellen DeGeneres is gonna be the voice.

[Phil Lester]

We wish we didn't know anything about that. They're super homophobic. No, I think I believe it. No, I think they're gonna be like, you've destroyed the ocean and it's too late. You're all gonna die in 150 years.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, well, that's fun. Thanks, Richard.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Why don't we get some messages from our viewers who are surely going to save the day.

[Phil Lester]

This is where you guys at home hard launch some stuff and we have a listen and.

[Ad Voice]

Hi, my name is Brooke and I'm calling in from America and I'm hard launching the.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what the hell Dan.

[Dan Howell]

And Phil are saying.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I don't know what faffy means. Phil said it like six times.

[Ad Voice]

I don't know what faffy means.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what A levels are.

[Ad Voice]

Ghds.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what you guys are saying. Thanks. Bye.

[Dan Howell]

If you were not someone that had a British phase on Tumblr, when you watched that one episode of Sherlock and accidentally made half of your brain weird shit about mugs that say keep calm and carry on, you might not know anything that we're talking.

[Phil Lester]

I sometimes become aware that I am more British than I think when I say things like, oh, so faffy.

[Dan Howell]

This is why I like to be inauthentically transatlantic sometimes.

[Phil Lester]

You are very good at being transatlantic. Pants.

[Dan Howell]

It's crazy pants day.

[Phil Lester]

Look at my pants. We're wearing crazy trousers.

[Dan Howell]

I've got glowy trousers. I've got this strappy lower garments.

[Phil Lester]

And my Calvin Klein pants are glowing.

[Dan Howell]

Your pants are glowing through this. Oh, my Lord. What are you wearing? Faffy means waffly.

[Phil Lester]

Or waffley's also British. Is it waffle?

[Dan Howell]

For fuck's sake.

[Phil Lester]

What a bunch of.

[Dan Howell]

Bloody hell.

[Phil Lester]

Codswallop.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, knickers.

[Phil Lester]

Right, just have a cup of tea and shut up.

[Dan Howell]

Wait. Faff. What a load of. It just means effort, like. Oh, that's a load of faff. Faffy means it's gonna be hassle. A load of old. Faff means a load of rubbish.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

It's a diverse word.

[Phil Lester]

What's rubbish? That means trash.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck.

[Phil Lester]

Next you're never gonna understand us. Sorry.

[Ad Voice]

Hello. I'm Tyler and I'm from California.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Ad Voice]

And I would like to hard launch turning any game into a strip game. Ooh. I've turned Wii Golf into a strip game.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Ad Voice]

So if, you know, if you have any games that you want turned into a strip game, sky's the limit. Go for it.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like Wii Golf strip miniature golf would be a bad idea.

[Dan Howell]

Outside.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to get my wang out in the fucking cold.

[Phil Lester]

They said any game could be a strip game.

[Monet X Change]

No.

[Phil Lester]

Have you played a strip game?

[Dan Howell]

Strip darts. You're asking for something to go wrong there.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh. I threw a dart into my friend's foot. Not while I was stripping. In a normal.

[Dan Howell]

You did not while playing a game. You were stripping with your friend and then, unrelated, you threw a dart into their foot.

[Phil Lester]

I felt really. Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Look at that.

[Phil Lester]

I just spat on my trousers and the spit line has gone really dark.

[Dan Howell]

Because of your cold lizard spit.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You are never allowed to wear these trousers again.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry.

[Dan Howell]

I need to sue you for emotional compensation.

[Phil Lester]

Strip games. What else would be a good strip?

[Dan Howell]

Scrabble Tiddies. Triple word score.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Strip Mario Kart.

[Ad Voice]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

I would be left fully insulated. So closed, naked and weeping or something else around me.

[Phil Lester]

What's something else? What would you win in a strip game?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Bubble bobble. Strip Bubble bobble.

[Dan Howell]

I ain't playing that with you. That's two player.

[Phil Lester]

That's a deep cut.

[Dan Howell]

When Was the last time you played a strip game?

[Phil Lester]

I played a strip game and I ended up up feeling very exposed because I'm bad at most games.

[Dan Howell]

When I was a teenager, my friends are like, let's play strip poker. I didn't know what the fuck poker was.

[Phil Lester]

That's the bad thing.

[Dan Howell]

So I said no. Oh, could have had a fun formative moment there. But I was like, don't google that.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like is the end goal always a bit awkward though? Unless you're gonna have a gang bang.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, it's like spin the bottle. It's like there's three people that are doing it because they want to do something that they've been building up the tension for for a long time. The rest of you are all wheels. This is an 18 wheeler truck. And it's all about Geoff and Kimberly.

[Phil Lester]

Geoff and Kimberly wanna see each other's nips.

[Dan Howell]

Did the boys in your group not kiss when the bottle spins towards them? Cause my friends were like, uh, James and Tom have to kiss.

[Phil Lester]

No, I had a great friend group and all the boys kissed. Mostly all of them are straight, but they all kissed the boys.

[Dan Howell]

Good for you.

[Phil Lester]

Which is great.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

So I can say I've kissed all my male friends.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Macy, they don't think I'm that way. To playing the yaoi game then? Because you were doing real life yaoi in the Phil basement.

[Phil Lester]

We were.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Well, I hope not. Cuz that game I was playing o talk about deep sea research.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know what that means.

[Phil Lester]

Next. Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Beth and my hard launch is that sometimes me and my fiance share a toothbrush.

[Dan Howell]

Which I know is disgusting, but when.

[Ad Voice]

You really think about it, if you really love each other, does it really matter? Their tongue's been in worse places.

[Dan Howell]

Hi.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

No. The answer's no. Absolutely the answer is no.

[Phil Lester]

I would rather not brush my teeth.

[Dan Howell]

Hard launch with Dan and Phil is a shame. Free zone.

[Phil Lester]

I'm shaming.

[Dan Howell]

And yet.

[Phil Lester]

No, I would honestly rather not brush my teeth than use your toothbrush. Like, I'd rather just like not do it.

[Dan Howell]

You didn't mean to make savage eye contact with me specifically?

[Phil Lester]

That has happened before and I've just done the finger brush. Yeah, just put some toothpaste on your finger, give a little whiz.

[Dan Howell]

And also it's like it's been in other places. Yeah, but has it been mining the plan from the crack?

[Phil Lester]

I can't.

[Dan Howell]

The onions from four hours ago.

[Phil Lester]

Stop.

[Dan Howell]

No, thank you.

[Phil Lester]

I think the only way I'd do it is if I boiled some water over it.

[Dan Howell]

I love that. Yeah. No, be honest. 100%.

[Phil Lester]

Disinfect it and then maybe.

[Dan Howell]

All respect for you and your horrible shrimp kink, but we say no, absolutely not. Deep sea research, would you let those shrimp come in and clean your molars?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

You see divers doing that on Instagram and I'm like, you don't know where they've been.

[Phil Lester]

The little bird that cleans the teeth of the hippo, I'd let him go. Got one.

[Dan Howell]

Well, that was enlightening. Disgusting. The full spectrum of humanity there.

[Phil Lester]

If you want to send in a hard launch, you can do it to hardlaunchpodcastmail.com We've got news.

[Dan Howell]

A couple of weeks ago on the pod, somebody proposed via a hard launch submission.

[Phil Lester]

Gabrielle sent in a hard launch that they wanted to propose to their partner. And the news on the streets, they said yes.

Woo. We've made a marriage.

[Dan Howell]

Our first hard commitment. We couldn't do it, so they did it for us.

[Phil Lester]

Congratulations.

[Dan Howell]

You now unfortunately have downfall, plot armor and you have to stay married forever.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

You don't have a choice. There's no backing out from this.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

We need to see the wedding. You need to move quickly. You need to post pictures, send them to us so that we can react to it for content. And then you will live happily ever after. Or else.

[Phil Lester]

Yay.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you. That's sweet. We've done one thing good in this hour of talking about massive dildos and deep sea creatures, We've enabled love.

[Phil Lester]

That feels really good. Wait, I didn't get to do my news segment. I was all excited about a news segment.

[Dan Howell]

We had a lot of comments from people suggesting names for the new Phil Weird news segment.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. And my favorites were we have News Flash with a ph from Eoberger Lux.

[Dan Howell]

4885 said, filling you in with a ph, that is a straw. Wait, it deserves a. No, it doesn't deserve a.

[Phil Lester]

There we go. Almost Crumageddon 9 said, Piss. Phil's incredible story scoop.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, we are not. We are literally. Guys, we are not having a recurring segment called Piss of the Week.

[Phil Lester]

Okay? Okay. And then Roundhouse 261616 said, Call the segment. Here's the thing which I'm saying too much of and they're gonna make it more.

[Dan Howell]

It should just be called Listen, Listen.

[Phil Lester]

So if you go to our Patreon, even the free people, you can vote on which one we're gonna use. And next week, we are gonna start my special news segment Aw, that's exciting.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you guys for creating and naming the child.

[Phil Lester]

Yes, there we go. Another hard Monday.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so excited for the piss next week.

[Phil Lester]

Keep this.

[Dan Howell]

No one said foop the foop.

[Phil Lester]

No one said the foup.

[Dan Howell]

Fair enough.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna keep this party going over on Patreon if you want to join us. Patreon.com Dan and Phil, thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you for your support.

[Phil Lester]

15 minutes extra of yapping.

[Dan Howell]

God help us. How red will Phil's pants go?

[Phil Lester]

I mean, they're pretty red now, I have to say, in all areas.

[Dan Howell]

All right, well, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Stay hard. Love you. Bye. See you next week.

[Phil Lester]

Bye.

[Monet X Change]

All right, y', all gather round because Monet X change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monet tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's Pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet X changed in the library. Uploading picture of my music theory homework like Gemini Plea to help a diva out, or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying at the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the goods. Sign up to get more access to Google's Most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro. Unlimited image uploads, pro level image editing, higher limits in notebook lm, Gemini in Gmail and Docs. Two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warm up, drag race look and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants. Visit Gemiini Google students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.