Dan had a slice of Phil on his birthday

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Dan had a slice of Phil on his birthday"

Release Date: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Studio71

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Episode Overview

This special birthday episode is a chaotic, high-sugar celebration in honor of Phil’s (allegedly) 23rd birthday. True to HARD LAUNCH’s promise of unfiltered, unafraid oversharing, Dan and Phil dive into cake-based cannibalism, questionable birthday traditions, and existential cake-flavor debates. The pair spiral from personal stories and workplace drama, into surreal hypotheticals, unhinged listener questions, and Phil’s sugar-fueled antics—all delivered in their signature deadpan banter.

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Key Segments & Highlights

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1. Technical Difficulties & Intros

Timestamp: 00:30 – 01:03

• Phil: Falsely warns of “scenes of a sexual nature.”
• Mics sound wonky at first, but improve “after the cake.”
• Phil’s sugar crash is teased as a live feature.

Dan: “If you're wondering, wow, did I take something or is it... Yes, but also, it's us.” (01:00)

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2. Birthday Party Vibes & Cake Reveal

Timestamp: 01:16 – 04:22

• Hosts in party hats, questionable party blowers.
• Dan presents a marble bust cake with Phil’s face, but the cake is spectacularly slouching.

Dan: “Phil, I got you a cake of your face on an immeasurably henched marble bust.” (02:50)

• Highlight: Phil and Dan debate which body part of Phil to eat. Ends with Dan eating “Phil’s right nipple,” and Phil biting his own face.
• They review the taste (vanilla buttercream) and roast Phil’s “vanilla” persona.

Phil: “Can I eat my own nipples?” (03:13) Dan: “Holy fucking shit, Phil, your nipple tastes amazing. Oh, that is creamy.” (04:10)

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3. Phil’s Birthday Philosophy & Goals

Timestamp: 04:27 – 07:20

• Phil insists birthdays should last a full week (or more), splitting up groups to maximize free meals.
• Dan admires Phil’s “separate the friends” strategy.

Dan: “Why have one party? ... Separate them. Gaslight them. Sow seeds of drama. So they can pay for a dozen dinners.” (05:23) Phil: “Stretch it out. That's the advice.” (05:59)

• Goals for the year:
  • Eat more cake
  • Embrace “the year of the twunk”
  • “Have more fun” with Dan—a rare tender moment

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4. Gym Bros, Macro-Protein, and Edible Buildings

Timestamp: 07:20 – 07:56

• Mocking protein-obsessed meal preppers.
• Dreaming of “eating restaurants” as the next milestone after edible body parts.

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5. Iconic Birthday Gifts & Childhood Memories

Timestamp: 07:58 – 10:29

• Phil recalls a birthday Pikachu pedometer, preferring Tamagotchi and Pokémon gadgets to teenage rebellion.
• Dan laughs at the “slot-machine gambling” mechanics for kids.

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6. Clumsy Chaos: Dan’s Spills

Timestamp: 11:43 – 13:13

• Dan’s clumsy streak gets worse: punches Ribena across the room, spills milkshake on the cream sofa.
• Phil: “You just watched that milk just seep into the crease of the sofa.” (12:33)

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7. The Winter to Spring Personality Shift

Timestamp: 13:00 – 14:16

• Phil admits he’s no longer a “winter girl,” prefers spring and “arms out” fashion.
• Miscellaneous discussion about friends with “real jobs” versus their influencer reality.

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8. Workplace Drama & Dan and Phil’s Old Jobs

Timestamp: 14:20 – 21:02

• Comparing friends’ workplace drama to Dan and Phil’s “therapy podcast.”
• Dan on office drama: “Don’t shit where you eat.”
• Phil’s compulsion to be liked by everyone—even the ones who clearly don’t.

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9. “Weird News” with Phil

Timestamp: 21:44 – 25:02

A quickfire segment of absurd real-life news:

• Chipwreck: 24 containers of frozen chips/french fries washed up on a British beach.
• Library Book Returned After 46 Years:
  • Dan: “Is the library even around anymore?” (23:00)
• Suicidal/Adoptive Bunny in Colorado:
  • Phil theorizes the bunny just wants to make human friends.
  • Dan jokes about “car fuckers”—with Phil deadpanning, “They go in the exhaust” (24:46).

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10. London Palladium Comedy Catastrophe

Timestamp: 25:02 – 28:29

• Dan and Phil nearly fall off the balcony trying to get better seats at the Josh Johnson comedy show.
• Phil gets trapped in a painful groin stretch; a “butt cheek on a lady’s knee” saves him.
• They end up in a box seat with a terrible view but room to spread out.

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11. The "Five-Finger Liquid" Question

Timestamp: 29:01 – 31:31

• Listener Esther asks: If you could dispense five liquids (one from each finger) what would they be?

Phil’s quick picks:  - Liquid gold  - Panna cotta (rejected for being a “solid”)  - Old Ribena

Dan’s:  - “Disease-curing magic elixir”  - Perfectly heated coffee  - Piss (jokingly):

Dan: “You rotate the nipple like a dial... and then it increases the temperature.” (30:11) Phil: “If you see a sad bee on the floor, get some raw IV and 100%.” (31:21)

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12. Listener Hard Launches

Timestamp: 31:47 – 36:38

Notable submissions:

• Jess (Virginia): “The happy birthday song needs to be stopped.”
  • Phil & Dan riff on alternative birthday songs (“You came out vagina!” – 33:00)
• Arela (Philippines): Bluetooth connecting to dad’s speaker mid-“Heated Rivalry.”
  • Dan: “Spread those cheeks. Oh no...”
  • Phil: “Why is there a cast-to-TV button on porn?”
• Bunny (Melbourne): Ban the phrase “we’re trying for a baby”—too much information.
  • Dan: “That’s the first place my head’s going.”
  • Phil: “Trying is like repeatedly repeated squirt.” (35:17)
• Ashlyn (Canada): Hard launch of her sexuality—comes out to conservative Mormon father after 10 years.

Ashlyn: “So hello to anyone listening. I am so, so, so gay.” (36:13) Phil: “Now you can send the free in the lesbian life...” (36:32)

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13. The Main Birthday Present

Timestamp: 37:01 – 38:21

• Gift reveal: A hand-stitched rug of Steve the pigeon (formerly their one-footed rescue).
• Phil is giddy, thanks Dan and artist Sylvia, and promises to hang it up.

Phil: “Oh, I love it so much.” (37:47) Dan: “Steve the pigeon may no longer live at our house, but now he can join us in the Faust.” (38:14)

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14. Closing Banter & Next Week’s Tease

Timestamp: 38:23 – 39:22

• Phil revels in his birthday bender: “Cake, yapping, Avatar bum, now a pigeon rug.”
• Next episode will be “back to normal”… but they doubt they’re ever normal.
• Patreon shout: “Sugar crash will probably happen.”
• Final joke: Who gets to eat what Phil body part from the cake next?

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Memorable Quotes

On Eating Cake of Each Other:

Dan: “I will have Phil's right nipple. Stumpy right nipple short.” (03:35)

On Birthday Week Philosophy:

Phil: “Stretch it out. That's the advice.” (05:59)

On Workplace Pettiness:

Dan: “Sometimes, in like a petty revenge way, being pedantically polite to someone that's trying as hard as possible to give you a stinky attitude is kind of just like torturing them in a fun way.” (20:50)

Listener Wisdom:

Ashlyn: “So hello to anyone listening. I am so, so, so gay.” (36:13)

Happy Birthday Song Remix:

Dan: “Happy birthday. You're older but wiser. You came out vagina.” (32:52–33:00)

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Episode Flow & Tone

• Language: Sarcastic, self-deprecating, cheeky, deeply conversational.
• Energy: Wild, rapid-fire, rambly, authentic overshare.
• Highlights: Chaotic birthday energy, food-based innuendo, surreal hypotheticals, and heartfelt moments amid the madness.
• Listener Value: Even if you missed the episode, you walk away knowing Dan and Phil’s dynamic: part irreverent comedy, part earnest friendship, and always a bit messy.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro/Warnings: 00:30–01:03
• Cake Reveal & Chaos: 01:16–04:22
• Birthday Traditions & Philosophy: 04:27–07:20
• Clumsiness Chronicles: 11:43–13:13
• "Weird News": 21:44–25:02
• Palladium Story: 25:02–28:29
• Five-Finger Liquids Question: 29:01–31:31
• Listener Hard Launches: 31:47–36:38
• Gift Reveal (Steve the Pigeon Rug): 37:01–38:21

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For the Dan & Phil Initiate

Expect irreverence, inside jokes, operational chaos, and more mention of body parts (both edible and functionally hypothetical) than you’ll find on any other birthday podcast. Beneath the chaos, there’s genuine affection, offbeat advice, and the sense you’re always being let in on the joke.

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Next time: No birthday hats, maybe fewer nipple cakes. But, as always, never normal.

Transcript

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[Dan]

Would you like fresh towels?

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[Phil]

Following podcast contains scenes of a sexual nature. No, it doesn't.

[Dan]

Why are you saying that?

[Phil]

People excited. Strong language.

[Dan]

Is that gonna make them excited? I mean, that is true. We just wanted to say that we kind of unplugged the microphones a little bit this week.

[Phil]

A lot of it.

[Dan]

It sounds a bit strange. Like it sounds quite strange at the start. It gets a bit better as you go along.

[Phil]

After the cake, I say it starts sounding better.

[Dan]

Spoiler.

[Phil]

After the what? Mystery item.

[Dan]

Birthday episode, in case you didn't know. So, yeah, if you're wondering, wow, did I take something or is it. Yes, but also, it's us.

[Phil]

Yeah, sorry.

[Dan]

Have fun and enjoy Phil's Sugar Crash in real time. That was the worst party blower.

[Phil]

If you're listening, we've got a very ill duck with us. I've got one. It's my birthday.

[Dan]

I try it. Happy birthday, Phil.

[Phil]

Yay. Woohoo.

[Dan]

Happy 23rd birthday.

[Phil]

Thank you, Phil.

[Dan]

Lester.

[Phil]

I'm so excited to be youthful.

[Dan]

How are you?

[Phil]

I am very confused by this mysterious box that is next to me.

[Dan]

For anyone listening on Spotify, we're wearing party hats.

[Phil]

I've got a purple one on. Dan's got a blue one. It's quite erect. On your head. Straight off. Mine's a bit sideways.

[Dan]

It's a lopsided party. It is representing your emotional state.

[Phil]

My personality.

[Dan]

I'm sorry that I got the world's worst party blowers. That was quite upsetting.

[Phil]

Such a bad blower.

[Dan]

It's way too early. Can we. We've planned all these things for Phil's birthday.

[Phil]

Can we remove them?

[Dan]

No. But, Phil, it's your special day.

[Phil]

What is in the box?

[Dan]

Now, as you know, I have got a tradition of giving Phil novelty cakes, which is usually just a vanilla buttercream cake with something offensive written on it. But I just knew that that wasn't good enough.

[Phil]

What have you done?

[Dan]

And it's been the January Twunk era, watching heated rivalry.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Dan]

And so, Phil, this is gonna be you. Are you ready? This is the manifestation cake. Phil, whip off that cardboard.

[Phil]

Here we go. Yes.

[Dan]

Happy birthday. Oh, my God. It's lit off the face. It fell off. It's supposed to Be supported by six fingers. Okay, so, Phil, I got you a cake of your face on an immeasurably henged marble bust.

[Phil]

That's amazing.

[Dan]

And it's supposed to be stood right and supporting its own waist.

[Phil]

Right.

[Dan]

It appears to have slidden off.

[Phil]

I'm slouching down.

[Dan]

Oh, it's you sliding into the sofa crease.

[Phil]

So is it so pale because it's made of marble? Is that the point of this?

[Dan]

Bro, did you just roast yourself? No. That's not supposed to be your skin tone.

[Phil]

Oh. It was supposed to be a marble.

[Dan]

Busk like you're carved out of.

[Phil]

Can I eat my own nipples?

[Dan]

I mean, can you? Here we go.

[Phil]

Whoa. It's beautiful. What body part of me do you want to eat?

[Dan]

That's the worst thing I. Okay, I now regret buying you the cake.

[Phil]

Do you want to either nipple my abs or my head?

[Dan]

Out of context? That's gonna sound horrible.

[Phil]

Decide.

[Dan]

People on Spotify are crying right now.

[Phil]

What do you want to eat?

[Dan]

I will have Phil's right nipple. Stumpy right nipple short.

[Phil]

Thank you.

[Dan]

Can we have some plates and a knife?

[Phil]

Are you gonna chop my head off?

[Dan]

Maybe. Thank you.

[Phil]

Thank you. I'm gonna bite the face. You ready?

[Dan]

Okay. Oh. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Horrifying scenes of auto cannibalism.

[Phil]

I taste good. On the mail podcast by Rennieble. Chew it. Eat it.

[Dan]

This was supposed to be a pack on you. And now I'm so scared. Holy fucking shit, Phil, your nipple tastes amazing. Oh, that is creamy.

[Phil]

What flavor is it?

[Dan]

Vanilla buttercream.

[Phil]

Wow.

[Dan]

Which, you know, I think if anyone said what flavor is spill the curate him. You think? Vanilla roast. But accurate. Happy birthday, Phil.

[Phil]

Thank you.

[Dan]

I've ate your nipple. You've eaten your own face. These are your goals for the year.

[Phil]

Are you happy? I could not be happier, Dan.

[Dan]

Excellent. And now the sugar's gonna go to your head.

[Phil]

Good luck.

[Dan]

Three, two, one.

[Phil]

Oh. I just ate my entire arm.

[Dan]

Yeah, I was about to say you interrupting that noise I made scary business. That was the satisfied I just ate cake noise.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 1]

Woo.

[Dan]

Terrifying episode for the Spotify people.

[Phil]

Prepare for me to get very annoying in about 10 minutes time because I can already feel the sugar coursing through my veins. What's your excuse?

[Dan]

Every other week.

[Phil]

Hey.

[Dan]

What?

[Phil]

I'm perfectly calm.

[Dan]

Phil's birthday week. Why am I saying week? Because Phil likes to drag out this thing for as long as possible.

[Phil]

I feel like a birthday needs to be at least a week.

[Dan]

A month and a half. This is Phil going. It's my birthday from January 1st until March 20th.

[Phil]

Wave to me, sing to me, Buy me a meal. I want to split all my friends and family into the smallest group possible. You know what? So then I could get as many meals out of it.

[Dan]

This is a Phil strategy. And I actually think it's so smart. Why have one party where you try to get everyone together to know how cool you are? Oh, look at all of my friends. You are all going to. No, no, no. Separate them. Gaslight them. Split them up. Sow seeds of drama. Betray them. Split them into as many different factions as possible.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

So they can pay for a dozen dinners.

[Phil]

Even a couple. Split them up. Get a meal off pj Get a meal off Sophie. You know what I'm saying?

[Dan]

That is so fucked up.

[Phil]

Phil, you didn't sing for me.

[Dan]

Can I get a little Happy birthday to you?

[Phil]

Wow. Separate your birthday to elongate your birthday.

[Dan]

Yeah. Stretch it out.

[Phil]

That's the advice.

[Dan]

What are you looking forward to this year?

[Phil]

This year off your birthday?

[Dan]

Not of your life.

[Phil]

Oh.

[Dan]

Well. What. Okay, Phil, what are your goals for your 23rd year on Earth?

[Phil]

I'm excited to eat more of this cake.

[Dan]

Okay. That's very short term. What's going to define this year of your life?

[Phil]

This is going to be the year of the twunk, which we've already discussed.

[Dan]

Which starts. We buy eating a half a meter long cake. Yes. And the year was that macrobiotic.

[Phil]

I don't know what that is.

[Dan]

What Hollander would say.

[Phil]

I don't know what.

[Dan]

What the fuck does that mean?

[Phil]

Shut up. Just drink the Yakult.

[Dan]

Exactly. My protein cake is just 57 chicken breasts stapled together. It's not worth it. No.

[Phil]

At least add some seasoning. Meal prep. I see those people. It's just like, why do Jim Bros.

[Dan]

They're like, here's my salmon steak and. No, it's just a massive bowl of plain rice. You don't have to live like this.

[Phil]

My other goal for the year is to have more fun with you.

[Dan]

Oh, are you being sarcastic?

[Phil]

No, no.

[Dan]

I have balls up.

[Phil]

You can tell, can't you? Last year we did loads of work.

[Dan]

And it was which we love the Hollow Bastard. We love the set for a podcast. We love the giant Bomberland.

[Phil]

I'm in an inflatable chair. Inflatable.

[Dan]

We had so much fun doing it.

[Phil]

I want to go on a few more trips with you. Oh, yeah. Play some more games, go to more cinemas, eat some more restaurants. 100% eat restaurants.

[Dan]

Eat the whole restaurant. I want an Edible building. I've had edible male talk. Now I want edible restaurants.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

I just noticed that your shirt is holographic, and it changes from being eaten to uneaten.

[Phil]

Is that holographic? I don't think that's the right term for that.

[Dan]

Is that not. It's a.

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

What? Lenticular print.

[Phil]

It's a lenticular shirt. I call this a sleezy. I'm wearing a holographic shirt. It changes from cape to Eton cake.

[Dan]

It's a lenticular illusion.

[Phil]

The problem is the Eton cake was a green pistachio, so it was mouldy when I made it.

[Dan]

It's like a jump SC to a zombie cake.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Do you have any iconic birthday memories from your time? Any gifts that stand out? They better be something that I gave.

[Phil]

What you gave me. What, like seven lamps?

[Dan]

Shut the fuck up. I think that was Christmas.

[Phil]

That was Christmas.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

One time I really wanted a Tamagotchi, and I got given. I must have been, like, 14, but I was one of those kids that was obsessed with Tamagotchi.

[Dan]

People are like, what do you want when you're 14? Weed. Phil's like, I want a Tamagotchi. And good for you, Phil. Foxy while still here eating nine years later. What's the kind of edgy shit that people say? What do you want? Sex boob? It sounds like cool meth.

[Phil]

Yeah. No.

[Dan]

100%. Yeah, but you said, no, I want the Tamagotchi.

[Phil]

It wasn't just a Tamagotchi, though. It was a Pikachu pedometer that you put on your leg. And then Pikachu would get more and more treats the more you.

[Dan]

Well, that Pikachu was sad as fuck, because I know you ain't walking.

[Phil]

And I was like, in year nine, taking this to school, strapped to myself. So I was a Christina Cooler fucking or.

[Dan]

Good for you, Phil.

[Phil]

They're all doing the weed. I'm exercising my Pikachu.

[Dan]

Well, I need to get my stepson from my Pikachu.

[Phil]

The more you walked with the Tamagotchi, the more coins it gave you to spend on a slot machine.

[Dan]

Fucking Nintendo. Trying to get children to be healthy.

[Phil]

And what if you got 777? You got 500 coins? Like, buying a bed or.

[Dan]

So they're like, we're gonna encourage the kids to walk so that ultimately they can gamble.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Okay. You almost did it there, Nintendo.

[Phil]

And if you got, like, 500, you could, like, given a date with a Jigglypuff or something. I don't remember oh, Jesus.

[Dan]

So isn't it weird of Pokemon that you can just put any two Pokemon in the breeding center and they'll shag like an onyx and a Jigglypuff. What the fuck is happening? I need an egg. Oh, that sounds intense. What? Exactly.

[Phil]

Maybe they reproduce asexually by just rubbing saliva into each other's eyes or something.

[Dan]

You know, there's a Pokemon manga that is really like graphic and violent.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Is it like deeply sexual as well?

[Phil]

I feel like they're so animal adjacent.

[Dan]

Dodrio and Mr.

[Phil]

Mime anyway, picturing it now listen.

[Dan]

Three heads, three beaks, no beaks. Two sneaky golf hands. Stop it. As you were.

[Phil]

I believed that if I held onto this Pikachu and really believed that I was going to get seven, seven, seven.

[Dan]

That a slot machine would say shove.

[Phil]

It would happen to the point. It got spooky that whenever I had this believing thought, it happened. And then I googled it and other people on a forum were like, I swear, if I believe I'm going to get 777, it happens with this Pikachu.

[Dan]

So there's a community that psychically forced their Pikachu pedometer to win a slot machine?

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

And you didn't think, well, I can use this power in Vegas and actually achieve something meaningful.

[Phil]

I would use that power now.

[Dan]

Right now.

[Phil]

You're manifesting something.

[Dan]

Oh, my breasts are growing exponentially.

[Phil]

Why would you keep referring to his breasts?

[Dan]

I just think it's.

[Phil]

It may not be hard. Pecs are growing sideways.

[Dan]

Shane Hollander's boobs are two round round. They are mounds. They are beefy.

[Phil]

You mean Ilya. His are even more beefy.

[Dan]

No, no, these are square. Oh, the other ones are like let the telly of your house.

[Phil]

Are you manifesting that for me? Boof.

[Dan]

Boof.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 3]

Yeah.

[Dan]

The sounds of your breast enlarge.

[Phil]

That's a noise when my abs knock over a door.

[Dan]

Oh, wow. I look forward to that.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 2]

Taxact can think of a million things more fun than filing taxes. TaxAct is going to name some now. Sitting in traffic, folding a fitted bedshee, listening to your co worker talk about his fantasy team digging a hole. Digging an even larger hole next to that original hole. Unfortunately, TaxAct's filing software can't make taxes fun, but TaxAct can help you get them done. TaxAct. Let's get them over with.

[Dan]

I'm continuing to be a clumsy bitch.

[Phil]

So bad.

[Dan]

We talked last week about how I'm butterfingers, but it's actually getting worse. I have done an Two weird things this week.

[Phil]

You've reached a new echelon of clumsiness.

[Dan]

You were trying to pass me my phone while I was sat at a table, and I just couldn't lift my arm high enough and I punched a pint of Ribeno.

[Phil]

You punched it across the room.

[Dan]

I punched a glass.

[Phil]

I've never seen so much Ribena all over your laptop. All over my eyes.

[Dan]

It was a fucking catastrophe.

[Phil]

And then last night, a whole milkshake on our cream sofa.

[Dan]

How did I do that again?

[Phil]

Because I said, pass me the blanket, I'm cold. And then you just, like, boffed. Oh, yeah.

[Dan]

I struggled to lift the blanket and then I tickled it over the milkshake and I knocked it all.

[Phil]

And then you just stared at it.

[Dan]

You didn't even move because it was one of those spills that's so traumatic that you're like, it's already over. Oh, it just happened. It's already over.

[Phil]

You just watched that milk just seep into the crease of the sofa.

[Dan]

Yeah, I was a deer on the headlights. Except it was vanilla, so I poured.

[Phil]

Water all over and gave it a scrub. Still crusty this morning. I thought I got us all out, but.

[Dan]

Smells nice.

[Phil]

Yeah, I think vanillary.

[Dan]

I will say it's quite good that you've managed to book so many social events at a time of year that is historically. People don't give a shit.

[Phil]

No one gives a shit. And our friends actually said they'd come to the my birthday meal at least. So that was good.

[Dan]

Good.

[Phil]

I'm not really a winter girl anymore. I used to be like, oh, I love it. I want to be cozy and hold my hot chocolate and just look at the snow.

[Dan]

I'm sure when I was an edgy teenager, I was like, what's your favorite season? Winter.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Cause it's dark and cold. No, my friends, winter is the bum.

[Phil]

You're expecting London to go, like, crisp. A frozen leaf. Snow falling slightly, and it's just raining or windy.

[Dan]

It is bleak as shit.

[Phil]

Mega bleak. So I think I'm actually a stark. A spring lad. Why? Just as this game, the cusp of summer.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah, you're a May girly.

[Phil]

I'm a mega. Also, I own. I'm not a maga. That always sounds like I'm a maga. I'm a mega girly.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 3]

What?

[Dan]

She was too stunned to speak, but I'll go with here, please.

[Phil]

I like my arms to be out. I think all my fashion is in T shirts as well. I don't own Any fleeces, right? I don't own any fleeces.

[Dan]

No, Phil, it's too late. It's too late. Your gifts are locked in.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Dan]

Yeah. Have a water, please. It is annoying hanging out with our friends sometimes because they may just feel like very silly billies. A lot of our friends are what we would describe as real people with real jobs.

[Phil]

Yes. Omi just saw my other friend as well on Wednesday, who works in crime.

[Dan]

Solving crime for very serious, important crimes.

[Phil]

Guess the crime.

[Dan]

Bad crimes.

[Phil]

Crimes.

[Dan]

Like, how was your day at work? And then we're like, holy shit. Wow. Life sentence. Jesus. And I went to court. It was heavy, but we got them. What about you, Dan and Phil?

[Phil]

Well, I like. I'm like, oh, my Twitter algorithm is now Jake Sully's ass for avatar. It's just.

[Dan]

Yeah, no, sorry, we need to hard pin that. Phil, can you explain that to the people listening?

[Phil]

I don't know what's happened.

[Dan]

Your Twitter algorithm. Yeah, which whatever the fuck that would.

[Phil]

Be, it's shifted from which is mainly just Dan and Phil tweets about us to Jake Sully's.

[Dan]

It's just avatar objectification.

[Phil]

And I think it's because I saw one and it said, hey, look, it jiggles. And I opened it to see if it animated.

[Dan]

No, Phil, if you click it, you're reinforcing it because you liked it. It's now going, oh, you want to see blue ass crack.

[Phil]

Here you go, buddy. Keep it coming. I was just curious if James Cameron had edited a jiggle, and he has edited a jiggle, but now I'm getting it. Like, every four tweets is either fan art of Avatar, fan art of Avatar, having sex with their weird, like, tail machine.

[Dan]

Is that sex or is it like an emotional bonding thing?

[Phil]

I think it's both. But is that sex also usually a bit of emotional bonding as well?

[Dan]

It doesn't have to be. There's just a lot of slamming.

[Phil]

No, you release chemicals into each other. I mean, you know, like, even I.

[Dan]

Would now like to join the asexual community and comment section. I get it.

[Phil]

You're valid. We're not.

[Dan]

What?

[Phil]

It's all of the endorphins and the serotonin and stuff makes you bonded in more of a way. So even if you're having a grinder hookup in some kind of deep avatar.

[Dan]

Sense, you have impressed upon them, you've.

[Phil]

Impressed upon them psychochemically. There's also a scientific thing that's like, when people are horny and they're ready to go at it. They find some things more attractive than they would when they're not. They'll be like, oh, yes, the clarity. That person is a four out of ten. Well, now in my horny state, there are seven.

[Dan]

And here I am 16 years later.

[Phil]

I'm at least a six and a half.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 1]

Phil.

[Dan]

What? Phil's fishing for compliments in the comments.

[Phil]

Salvi Ammon. Nine.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Early. I'm a nine. Why are we talking about sexual chemistry?

[Dan]

We were talking about how our friends have serious no job. And then you just started talking about avatar sex habits.

[Phil]

Another thing we noticed is our friends have lots of workplace drama, which sounds quite stressful messes.

[Dan]

And they love coming to Dan and Phil to moan about all their problems. And we love listening.

[Phil]

They'll be like, janice is hogging the coffee machine. Oh, my God. I can't speak to Rachel because she's fallen out with the other group that work in finance. Can we relate to that?

[Dan]

Absolutely not. Well, I think that when we have work grievances, we air them out on the podcast. That's literally what this show is, relationship therapy, isn't it? Yeah. We're not moaning to someone else. We're just doing it at the camera. It's you. Everybody listening. You are our therapists. Thank you.

[Phil]

Imagine if we did fully full out and we had to keep on doing a podcast.

[Dan]

That happens so often with celebrities. They're like, I got a contract. Now we gotta turn up and do the pod dafuk.

[Phil]

I wonder if we'd be able to fake it.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah. I mean, we faked being straight for like 16.

[Phil]

Maybe it's already happened. Oh, my gosh.

[Dan]

Oh, wow. The way I pulled that mic from this model for a second there, well.

[Phil]

That was a bit weird.

[Dan]

It was. Do you believe it, guys? Dan and Phil, they haven't even been friends for the last five years.

[Phil]

Not bad, sir.

[Dan]

You, sir blonde twat.

[Phil]

I called you a splinter. Do we all believe that conviction? I think.

[Dan]

Well, that I'm a slut.

[Phil]

No, that I said it. We like, I meant it.

[Dan]

Shut up, you silly billy.

[Phil]

Oh, yeah. On my birthday with my twin.

[Dan]

That's the most fucked up thing I'm saying about this is my nightmares.

[Phil]

Is it?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Is this not your. Would you f your clone? That is two of me.

[Dan]

No, it's 100% a nightmare, you know? I mean, yeah, for some people, it's like two Phil Lesters. Wow. Wow. I'm like, shut up.

[Phil]

Shut up.

[Dan]

Oh, my God.

[Phil]

I feel like if we had a large office that wasn't just full of lovely people. I would try and make everyone be friends.

[Dan]

You would try to make everyone be friends?

[Phil]

I'd be overwhelmingly annoying, like, nope. Janice, come over here, sort out your grievances. The coffee machine's fine.

[Dan]

Greg, stop bringing in the tuna sandwiches.

[Phil]

Yeah, yeah. I feel like a lot of it is also. Like it was at our other workplace, Radio 1.

[Dan]

There's been no other Dan and Phil workplaces. Why are you even trying to censor it? I think at this point in our lives, there's some things that we shouldn't keep trying to censor. Everyone knows that I worked at asda.

[Phil]

Everyone knows.

[Dan]

Everyone knows that you worked at WH Smith.

[Phil]

WH Smith.

[Dan]

We can't keep code naming it. There aren't that many stores in the uk.

[Phil]

What if they come for me?

[Dan]

Who is they? Big Smith?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Haven't they totally fucked themselves as a business now they're just like Air Force sandwiched.

[Phil]

They says it's TJ Jones, which is a worse name.

[Dan]

Well, exactly. It did. A Focus doesn't even exist anymore, so I sold an axe to a child. What are you gonna do about it, Wicks?

[Phil]

It was a horrible place to work.

[Dan]

Wsmith.

[Phil]

I can't say that next time you.

[Dan]

Do a book, you ain't gonna get the WH Smith signing opportunity.

[Phil]

No, wait, wait. I feel like in those workplace environments, a lot of the drama was because someone is, like, hooked up with someone and then it's awkward and then they're gonna hook up with someone else and.

[Dan]

Then it's don't shit what you eat. That's the phrase.

[Phil]

Shit.

[Dan]

Yeah. It's not a nice phrase, but it works. Yeah, exactly.

[Phil]

It's not a very sexy phrase.

[Dan]

Well, it's not. And so it should make you feel bad about what you've done.

[Phil]

Could we reimagine that? Don't cuddle where you puddle huddle.

[Dan]

Phil, go.

[Phil]

Oh.

[Dan]

Don't cuddle where you huddle.

[Phil]

Don't cuddle where you have your business huddles.

[Dan]

Yeah. No, Phil, wait. Rewind, rewind. What were you going to say about our last job that we had together in office drama?

[Phil]

It was obvious some people didn't like us and I didn't like that. I thought.

[Dan]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. It was obvious that some people didn't like us. No, you didn't like that. Is that workplace drama?

[Phil]

I've got this thing where I need to be liked by everyone and if someone doesn't like me and in life.

[Dan]

It'S an invalid opinion that must be rectified by God. If necessary.

[Phil]

And I will be more annoying to try and make them like me as well.

[Dan]

Yeah, I agree. People had a problem with Danfil back in the day. It was probably because we had too much whimsy and face people sad that they killed their inner child.

[Phil]

You're not businessy enough for me.

[Dan]

Yeah, exactly. Why are you pretending to be cool?

[Phil]

Yeah. Why aren't you manly? Why don't you like football? Yeah, but I have this need to be liked so much that even if I know someone doesn't like me, I'll try extra hard to be nice to them. But I don't think you should give people that energy. Like, you don't.

[Dan]

But are you doing it for you? Because sometimes in like a petty revenge way, being pedantically polite to someone that's trying as hard as possible to give you a stinky attitude is kind of just like torturing them in a front lane.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 2]

It's true.

[Phil]

I'll just keep doing it.

[Dan]

So you're like, I don't need that energy. I'm like.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 1]

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[Phil]

Do you know what? I'm feeling a tingle for coming here? Some news.

[Dan]

Oh, my God. Weird stuff is happening in the world. Thank God that Phil is here to tell you.

[Phil]

Here's the thing. Yeah, Chipwreck. Thousands of chips have washed up on a British beach.

[Dan]

As a fry lover, this was devastating to me.

[Phil]

Are all of those chips going without dipping?

[Dan]

Exactly.

[Phil]

Oh, my gosh and sad.

[Dan]

Apparently, a shipping container that was full of frozen fries just exploded on a British beach.

[Phil]

24 containers of the things.

[Dan]

What the fuck are people doing?

[Phil]

Think about the seagulls, though. They would have been on the best day of their lives.

[Dan]

100%. I mean, the SOG factor would have been real. If you need your chips to be crispy, then this is not what's happening.

[Phil]

Talking about calling out our friends, William said he loves the soggy chip.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah. No. Oh. He was like, oh, yeah. When you get fish and chips, you're the soggy ones on the bottom Oh, I want all of those ones.

[Phil]

What?

[Dan]

Fuck.

[Phil]

It's a common occurrence in bad weather. As last year there was banana carnage. Yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

Stuff washes up. And if it's going to be an environmental disaster, at least it's biodegradable.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And delicious.

[Phil]

Old law library vlog's birthday show. No, this is older than me. A library book has been returned up to 46 years.

[Dan]

Was someone laying awake at night thinking, I stole this book and failed to make it right? 46 years. Is the library even around anymore?

[Phil]

Apparently it is in California. It was returned. Imagine the fine of that. That'll be $49 million.

[Dan]

Well, I think they actually changed the law so they were no longer penalized. Increasingly over time, I think that encouraged people to not to bring the books back. Whereas someone this time was like, I think we'd given up on that book coming back. But thanks, I guess.

[Phil]

It should have been returned on May 20, 1980.

[Dan]

Bloody hell.

[Phil]

It was the Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford.

[Dan]

Classic Sheila.

[Phil]

Hard to read, takes that long.

[Dan]

Yes. And the person who the book was returned to said, I got to open it and enjoy the old book smell, which was quite powerful in this particular item. You freak.

[Phil]

Wow thing.

[Dan]

You're like huffing that dust.

[Phil]

Bucksmith.

[Dan]

Old book smell. They should sell that as a cologne. They should. Yeah. You want a dark academia boyfriend. Well, he smells like musty tome. Have you thought about that?

[Phil]

I'd quite like it if he smelled of a musty book.

[Dan]

Nope.

[Phil]

Next. Hop into traffic. Excuse me, you wild bunny in col. Colorado has just been getting to people's cars. I think it's jealous of all of the pet rabbits. It wants to be one.

[Dan]

Oh, I was saying it was yearning for death. That's a much nicer way to put it.

[Phil]

Take me with you.

[Dan]

A lot of people were just thinking, why does this rabbit keep hopping into the middle of the street?

[Phil]

Some people thought it was ill, but apparently not. It just likes human company. I've let it come home with me.

[Dan]

Maybe it's one of those things that's attracted to cars. There's people like that.

[Phil]

Oh, my God. There are, aren't they?

[Dan]

Yeah. And from Bunny pov.

[Phil]

Damn car fuckers is what they call him. Motorheads, Engine enjoyers.

[Dan]

Are you making this up?

[Phil]

Yes, but here's okay. No.

[Dan]

You looked at me with complete seriousness and I was like, is there a Tumblr tag for car fuckers? Let me know if the answer's yes.

[Phil]

They go in the exhaust.

[Dan]

What other holes are there?

[Phil]

The door handle.

[Dan]

Okay, it depends which one? Well, thank you. That was very important. Glad to know about the chips and the old books and the bunnies.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Do you feel that you've done your service to the world now?

[Phil]

I have. Now, you know, they pour news.

[Dan]

Exactly.

[Phil]

In other Dan and Ville news, we went to the London Palladium, went to.

[Dan]

Go see Josh Johnson. You know him, American comedian. Funny.

[Phil]

Very funny. One year since we were there doing our show, which is weird.

[Dan]

The anniversary of tit, I wanted to.

[Phil]

Be like, I could go backstage. And they were like, who are you? And then I remembered, we live here.

[Dan]

We've done this eight times.

[Phil]

Only for one day. You are special. After that, you're just everyone else.

[Dan]

Yeah, absolutely. So our friend gave us two tickets and they ended up being on the front row of the top balcony, the.

[Phil]

Highest of balconies, because they had a.

[Dan]

Thing on the ticket that said, warning, if you're short, you're not gonna be able to see over balcony.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And we thought, how low is this balcony? Because that seems terrifying.

[Phil]

That seems like a lot. So I nearly died.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 3]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Because we were going to our seats and there were like four people that we were gonna have to make stand up. We both said, no.

[Phil]

I didn't want to make them do it.

[Dan]

They were squeezing.

[Phil]

They had coats.

[Dan]

We're not interacting.

[Phil]

So Dan said, why don't we go to the seat row behind, which is so far empty, and step down into our seats.

[Dan]

We are so long. Of course. We can just step over the row. Now if you're on the balcony, maybe that's not a good idea. Maybe the infamously low balcony is perhaps not the wisest idea.

[Phil]

I didn't judge how deep the step.

[Dan]

Was to step into the hole from.

[Phil]

One seat layer down into the hole.

[Dan]

As the next one was so long, guys. We really thought that we could just step over the seat and reach the floor comfortably.

[Phil]

That did it quite well. I tried to do it. I had one leg up on this row, one leg in the other. And I got stuff.

[Dan]

Phil kind of got caught. He was like trying to do the detach. He was like this. So we're just going for them.

[Phil]

I saw how hard.

[Dan]

Which is funny. Imagine that there's a 75 foot drop right in front of you onto other people.

[Phil]

I would have dropped onto someone else.

[Dan]

That would have been in the news. It would have been very tragic. So funny for two seconds. And then very sad.

[Phil]

I got trapped in the most painful groin stretch of my life. And I thought I was gonna fall off the edge. Dan had to steady me with his arm.

[Dan]

I almost grabbed him by the ha. If someone took a photo of that, it would spread very virally.

[Phil]

And then one butt cheek went onto a lady's knee and I steadied her with that side and I kind of got myself over.

[Dan]

Well, this made it even more devastating is that they were reduced leg room seats. So we had no idea. But apparently there was like 30cm of.

[Phil]

Room and I actually couldn't fit. I was sat there, like sat with his knees up.

[Dan]

I was like a T. Rex.

[Phil]

I was like, we can't sit here.

[Dan]

So I said, hey, look. And guys, I think this is fine. I said, there's a box over there. And no one sat in it. Phil, let's just go sit in it.

[Phil]

I said, no, we're gonna get in trouble with the police.

[Dan]

Confrontation. The theater police are gonna come and eject us.

[Phil]

Those boxes cost like 200 quid.

[Dan]

Yeah, but I guess what, guys, are you proud of me? I asserted myself. I went up to an usher. I said, I'm too long. Can you please move me into that box that's empty? And they said yes. And we went to sit there and the view was fucking shit, really bad. Oh, yeah. If you go to one of these theaters and there's a box seat, they are facing the crowd, they're not facing the stage. They were designed for members of royalty to be seen. They're like the influencer seats where you're supposed to be pretty. So I was sat there, I couldn't fucking see a single thing.

[Phil]

But you had your legs that were able to.

[Dan]

I was Dan spreading that fan all over the place.

[Phil]

Do you want a bit of advice? When you're speaking to someone else, don't describe yourself as long because you went to the night and very long. I don't think I said that.

[Dan]

That's funny. I'm just trying to break the tension.

[Phil]

Sure.

[Dan]

You think me walking up to an ashram being like. Like, hey, I'm very long.

[Phil]

I'm long. Yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

That's a child.

[Phil]

Sounds a bit weird.

[Dan]

Richard. Richard, help. The timer. Oh, Richard with the party hat. Girl, you look great.

[Phil]

She looks festive.

[Dan]

Go on, Phil, crank it.

[Phil]

Oh, you crank it. It's my birthday. I'm not doing any manual.

[Dan]

Oh, he ain't doing the manual wing on his birthday.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Dan]

Here we go.

[Phil]

Oh, help.

[Dan]

We got the half lid of another question.

[Phil]

Uh oh, interesting. It's a loose question.

[Dan]

But wait, I can see it. It's right there. We'll fix you later. Are you ready for this? Oh, that Tastes a crispy one.

[Phil]

Egg. A crispy egg.

[Dan]

Thanks, lass.

[Phil]

I'm sensing this is gonna be a good one.

[Dan]

There's a lot of text. Okay, if you could pick five liquids to dispense, one from each finger, which would they be? This one comes from one of our listeners. Can you fucking tell that came from. From one of you? Wow, thanks, Esther. Well, Phil, if you could secrete five liquids from your fingers, what would they be?

[Phil]

Liquid gold.

[Dan]

You and the golden pig should go on a honey ring together.

[Phil]

Gold is worth a lot at the moment. I could just pour a pint of that on my thumb and I'd be loaded.

[Dan]

You go straight to that.

[Phil]

What, what else?

[Dan]

Ah, disease, curing, magic elixirs.

[Phil]

Okay, that's your first one. Does it cure?

[Dan]

Oh, that was very performative of me, wasn't it?

[Phil]

Go on.

[Dan]

Oh, well done, Dan. You said the nicest thing. Deliciously perfectly heated coffee.

[Phil]

That'd be good.

[Dan]

Imagine when you're in bed, because it's like, who's gonna make the coffee? Imagine if you could just wake up and go and just shoot that fang right down the dullet.

[Phil]

Would you put your finger in my mouth and feed me the coffee like a bird?

[Dan]

Esther, is this exactly what.

[Phil]

Is this what you wanted? Are you gonna suck the coffee out of you?

[Dan]

Should it seem like the Dan and Landfill coffee finger fit.

[Phil]

What if it was too hot?

[Dan]

Nobody needs.

[Phil]

Can you change the temperature on your knuckle?

[Dan]

Oh, you rotate the nipple like a dial.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Dan]

And then it increases the temperature. Okay, we've got the nipple. Harry Styles third nipple.

[Phil]

The knuckle nipple.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

My next one is panna cotta.

[Dan]

That's not a liquid as it is.

[Phil]

I guess it's a semi liquid solid.

[Dan]

That is so disgusting. Why would you.

[Phil]

Why the best dessert? Why should I just go.

[Dan]

I imagine it's sputtering out like jelly. They just gotta hear that horrible spot onto a plate. Yeah, it's a solid.

[Phil]

It's a solid.

[Dan]

Piss.

[Phil]

Not piss.

[Dan]

For fuck's sake. This is how it works now. We're supposed to name a liquid against the solution. So right now we've got liquid gold, a thing that cures all diseases. Room temperature coffee, piss, piss, mud, calacotta.

[Phil]

We're not allowed to panic off doors of solids. Okay.

[Dan]

Save the day quickly.

[Phil]

The final one.

[Dan]

Little finger. How are you doing? Nanophil.

[Phil]

It's gonna secrete old Ribena.

[Dan]

You could have just said water or something. Why old Ribena?

[Phil]

Before the sugar taps, it was full sugar. Oh, my God.

[Dan]

Fill in the sugar tank.

[Phil]

60 grams of sugar per squirt.

[Dan]

Yeah, that good shit.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

If you see a sad bee on the floor, get some raw IV and 100%. Yeah.

[Phil]

You could have said super glue.

[Dan]

We could have felt helpful.

[Phil]

Too late. That's it. That's decided.

[Dan]

Wow, Esther, what a fucking rollercoaster. Well, if you like that, look forward to the other viewer submitted Richard Ball questions that are now threatening us every week.

[Phil]

I'm feeling threatened by that one.

[Dan]

Hell, yeah. Well, shall we involve someone else?

[Phil]

A third, a fourth, a fifth, A fifth.

[Dan]

They're also sixth if we're lucky. Who would like to send in a stimulating, controversial opinion to the podcast? First up.

[Phil]

Hello, it's Jess.

[Dan]

I'm from Virginia. Hi. Today is my 20th birthday. Happy birthday.

[Phil]

But the happy birthday song needs to be stopped.

[Dan]

It's just slightly too long and I don't like it.

[Phil]

It is a bit too long.

[Dan]

When you are the receiver of the happy birthday song, it's a bit like. Okay. And we're doing it again and I am staring everybody, and it's all about me. I don't like it. It makes me freak out.

[Phil]

Lots of pressure to remember whose name it is as well.

[Dan]

Oh, my God. The number of times you're like.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Should it be banned, though?

[Phil]

No, I don't think we should ban it. We could come with a new one.

[Dan]

Go on.

[Phil]

There's one they used to buy a restaurant I went to called Nino's. Happy birthday to ya. That's the royalty free.

[Dan]

Yeah, I like that. But they've improved it.

[Phil]

Yeah, it's well improved it. Yeah. What about a kind of mournful one?

[Dan]

Happy birthday.

[Phil]

You're older but wiser.

[Dan]

You came out vagina.

[Phil]

I can't do that.

[Dan]

The new one.

[Phil]

Yeah. I don't think we should ban it because I do enjoy the moment, but I do relate.

[Dan]

It can be excruciating to experience and I don't like it.

[Phil]

Unless, as you know, I like to clap other people in restaurants, but no one likes to clap. Not me.

[Dan]

We're just moving on.

[Phil]

Next.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 3]

Hi, Phil and Denan. I am Arela from the Philippines, and I want to hard launch that. I don't think Bluetooth devices should automatically connect to your phone because I was watching heated rivalry. I was trying to get the sound to work, but it wasn't. And then I started hearing it outside from the speaker that my dad was using to play music for him and his friend while they were.

[Phil]

Not down these prince.

[Dan]

Oh, my God. The barbecue.

[Phil]

The slapping Hollander.

[Dan]

Spread those cheeks. Oh, no. That's what's this song? I don't know. That was Bad Bunny. That makes sense.

[Phil]

Yeah. I kind of agree with you there. Also, not that I go on porn websites, but why is there. Why is there a cast to TV option?

[Dan]

Why the fuck is there a. Okay, I get. Like, some people, they got the Goon Cave. They got the Chrome Pass. They're all on the 42 inch plus plasma. That should be an extension. This shouldn't just be there.

[Phil]

Another button that's there. I would know this, but there's one that says share. Share to Twitter.

[Dan]

Do you want to link up your Facebook? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Phil]

So I agree with you. I feel like we need more confirmation on Bluetooth that's not just automatic Bladonk.

[Dan]

Dangerous Game. Next. Hi, Zan and Phil.

[Phil]

I'm Bunny from Melbourne, Australia. Good night.

[Dan]

I'm hanging. Banning the phrase we're trying for a baby. Like, I don't need to know that y' all having hardcore sex every night. That's the first day my head's going.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 3]

To go to when you say, I'm.

[Dan]

Trying for a baby. Like, what am I supposed to say?

[Phil]

I can see both sides of this.

[Dan]

Like, it is nice, but the moment you say that, it's like, okay, you're all talking.

[Phil]

I do.

[Dan]

Congrats.

[Phil]

That is what you're gonna picture, isn't it? When someone says that, you're supposed to.

[Dan]

Be like, oh, but it's not. If a gay person said, we're having unprotected sex, you wouldn't. Oh. Oh. Good luck. Good luck. Well, thank you.

[Phil]

We might need it. Maybe it's the word trying. Trying is like repeatedly repeated squirt.

[Dan]

We are leaving that thing in.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Dan]

So, Phil.

[Phil]

Sorry, I didn't hear that. I was thinking about the finger Came in.

[Dan]

Esther, this is what you done?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Your head starts to go. So what? You're holding your knees up. You're leaving it in. You're just lying there for two hours. Gosh, you're flipping. You're dipping. He's eating the pineapple. Magnesium. What's good? I just like. He has a whole world of imagination that you'd rather not know.

[Phil]

I think pineapple is just about the flavor. It's not about making a mayo.

[Dan]

I made that weird. Moving on. Next. Ban it.

[Phil]

Hi, Dan.

[Guest or Additional Speaker 3]

Hi, Phil.

[Dan]

This is Ashlyn from Canada. What up? And my hard launch is that after 10 years of keeping it a secret. Oh, yeah. Something I know you can relate to. I told my conservative Mormon father. Oh, yeah. I'm a lesbian. I've been like, really? Anyone can know because he was really the only person. I was keeping it a secret front of this blank. So hello to anyone listening. I am so, so, so gay. Oh, we love that. Hey. Oh boy.

[Phil]

Boy, I love it. Congratulations.

[Dan]

That can be hard. Hey, look, you ripped the plaster off. I did. Via an email. It sounds like you actually did it in person. So you beat Dan Howell.

[Phil]

And even if the person that you were telling was not accepting, it's important that you did send to yourself and did it for yourself. Now you can send the free in the lesbian life.

[Dan]

That is the nicest possible way you could have entered that terrifying sentence.

[Phil]

Phil. Thank you.

[Dan]

Thank you. Now Phil Dan, you've been what? It's not hard to say your name.

[Phil]

It just feels weird.

[Dan]

Now Phil.

[Phil]

Now down.

[Dan]

I don't like that.

[Phil]

Okay, well, why'd you get back?

[Dan]

You're a nice surprise.

[Phil]

I want a surprise.

[Dan]

Okay.

[Phil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

You've been good, have you?

[Phil]

I've been good.

[Dan]

Tell me why you deserve another gift.

[Phil]

What do you mean? Tell me, why do I not deserve it? Because you like me. Yeah, okay, whatever. All right.

[Dan]

Okay.

[Phil]

Phil, what is this?

[Dan]

This is your main birthday gift. For me.

[Phil]

Really?

[Dan]

I'm surprising you with in person.

[Phil]

Oh my gosh. It looks like something that came from an ancient shipwreck.

[Dan]

It does, doesn't it?

[Phil]

It has serious. It has some twine around it, a bow.

[Dan]

It looks like a tome.

[Phil]

Oh, you're undressing that.

[Dan]

Wearing some lingerie.

[Phil]

I have no idea this was going to happen. I'm very excited. What is this.

[Dan]

Phil? Oh, it's Steve.

[Phil]

A pigeon.

[Dan]

I got our very talented friend Sylvia who does handmade rugs she spent weeks spoiling by hand to make you a photorealistic Steve the feature.

[Phil]

Oh, I love it so much.

[Dan]

Decorative rug.

[Phil]

Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Sylvia. That's so sweet.

[Dan]

How fucking amazing is that? So good readers for the camera appreciate Phil rehabilitation. It had a gammy toe and so he got the pigeon's foot removed by a vet.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

There you can see the beautiful hand stitched detail. The one footed Steve, the stubby foot on that pigeon.

[Phil]

Oh, it's beautiful. Thank you, dad.

[Dan]

And we can hang it on a wall somewhere.

[Phil]

I'm going to.

[Dan]

Because Steve the pigeon may no longer live at our house, but now he can join us in the Faust.

[Phil]

Yeah. Oh, what a great day. Thank you.

[Dan]

You've had the cake, you got to yap a lot. You talked about Avatar Bum and now you've got a pigeon. Rug.

[Phil]

What more could I want?

[Dan]

No fucking pressure for June.

[Phil]

Oh my God.

[Dan]

Well, thank you for joining us and enabling Phil's nonsense. Yes, his 23rd birthday.

[Phil]

Yeah, thank you for all the birthday wishes that I'm hoping happened on my actual birthday.

[Dan]

Back to regular programming. Yeah, no Red Bull. Dan has to wear whatever I want. No. Surprise me with a cake and birthday presents.

[Phil]

Next week's gonna be a normal one.

[Dan]

Slamming back to earth.

[Phil]

Slamming. Are we ever normal though? That's the question.

[Dan]

Absolutely not.

[Phil]

If you want some bonus yapping, we're gonna be on patreon.com danandphil where the.

[Dan]

Sugar prash will probably happen where you.

[Phil]

Can witness that sugar crash. Also, we're watching Heated rivalry still on the fan tier if you want to watch along with us. Those butts and that drama. I'm going to go eat more cake.

[Dan]

What body part are you going to target next?

[Phil]

I'm going to eat an AB.

[Dan]

Yeah, Phil AB. Okay, I might go for the Phil left shoulder taste 80. See you next week.

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[Phil]

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[Dan]

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