HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Dan had a slice of Phil on his birthday"

Release Date: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Studio71

Episode Overview

This special birthday episode is a chaotic, high-sugar celebration in honor of Phil’s (allegedly) 23rd birthday. True to HARD LAUNCH’s promise of unfiltered, unafraid oversharing, Dan and Phil dive into cake-based cannibalism, questionable birthday traditions, and existential cake-flavor debates. The pair spiral from personal stories and workplace drama, into surreal hypotheticals, unhinged listener questions, and Phil’s sugar-fueled antics—all delivered in their signature deadpan banter.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Technical Difficulties & Intros

Timestamp: 00:30 – 01:03

• Phil: Falsely warns of “scenes of a sexual nature.”
• Mics sound wonky at first, but improve “after the cake.”
• Phil’s sugar crash is teased as a live feature.

Dan: “If you're wondering, wow, did I take something or is it... Yes, but also, it's us.” (01:00)

2. Birthday Party Vibes & Cake Reveal

Timestamp: 01:16 – 04:22

• Hosts in party hats, questionable party blowers.
• Dan presents a marble bust cake with Phil’s face, but the cake is spectacularly slouching.

Dan: “Phil, I got you a cake of your face on an immeasurably henched marble bust.” (02:50)

• Highlight: Phil and Dan debate which body part of Phil to eat. Ends with Dan eating “Phil’s right nipple,” and Phil biting his own face.
• They review the taste (vanilla buttercream) and roast Phil’s “vanilla” persona.

Phil: “Can I eat my own nipples?” (03:13) Dan: “Holy fucking shit, Phil, your nipple tastes amazing. Oh, that is creamy.” (04:10)

3. Phil’s Birthday Philosophy & Goals

Timestamp: 04:27 – 07:20

• Phil insists birthdays should last a full week (or more), splitting up groups to maximize free meals.
• Dan admires Phil’s “separate the friends” strategy.

Dan: “Why have one party? ... Separate them. Gaslight them. Sow seeds of drama. So they can pay for a dozen dinners.” (05:23) Phil: “Stretch it out. That's the advice.” (05:59)

• Goals for the year:
  • Eat more cake
  • Embrace “the year of the twunk”
  • “Have more fun” with Dan—a rare tender moment

4. Gym Bros, Macro-Protein, and Edible Buildings

Timestamp: 07:20 – 07:56

• Mocking protein-obsessed meal preppers.
• Dreaming of “eating restaurants” as the next milestone after edible body parts.

5. Iconic Birthday Gifts & Childhood Memories

Timestamp: 07:58 – 10:29

• Phil recalls a birthday Pikachu pedometer, preferring Tamagotchi and Pokémon gadgets to teenage rebellion.
• Dan laughs at the “slot-machine gambling” mechanics for kids.

6. Clumsy Chaos: Dan’s Spills

Timestamp: 11:43 – 13:13

• Dan’s clumsy streak gets worse: punches Ribena across the room, spills milkshake on the cream sofa.
• Phil: “You just watched that milk just seep into the crease of the sofa.” (12:33)

7. The Winter to Spring Personality Shift

Timestamp: 13:00 – 14:16

• Phil admits he’s no longer a “winter girl,” prefers spring and “arms out” fashion.
• Miscellaneous discussion about friends with “real jobs” versus their influencer reality.

8. Workplace Drama & Dan and Phil’s Old Jobs

Timestamp: 14:20 – 21:02

• Comparing friends’ workplace drama to Dan and Phil’s “therapy podcast.”
• Dan on office drama: “Don’t shit where you eat.”
• Phil’s compulsion to be liked by everyone—even the ones who clearly don’t.

9. “Weird News” with Phil

Timestamp: 21:44 – 25:02

A quickfire segment of absurd real-life news:

• Chipwreck: 24 containers of frozen chips/french fries washed up on a British beach.
• Library Book Returned After 46 Years:
  • Dan: “Is the library even around anymore?” (23:00)
• Suicidal/Adoptive Bunny in Colorado:
  • Phil theorizes the bunny just wants to make human friends.
  • Dan jokes about “car fuckers”—with Phil deadpanning, “They go in the exhaust” (24:46).

10. London Palladium Comedy Catastrophe

Timestamp: 25:02 – 28:29

• Dan and Phil nearly fall off the balcony trying to get better seats at the Josh Johnson comedy show.
• Phil gets trapped in a painful groin stretch; a “butt cheek on a lady’s knee” saves him.
• They end up in a box seat with a terrible view but room to spread out.

11. The "Five-Finger Liquid" Question

Timestamp: 29:01 – 31:31

• Listener Esther asks: If you could dispense five liquids (one from each finger) what would they be?

Phil’s quick picks:  - Liquid gold  - Panna cotta (rejected for being a “solid”)  - Old Ribena

Dan’s:  - “Disease-curing magic elixir”  - Perfectly heated coffee  - Piss (jokingly):

Dan: “You rotate the nipple like a dial... and then it increases the temperature.” (30:11) Phil: “If you see a sad bee on the floor, get some raw IV and 100%.” (31:21)

12. Listener Hard Launches

Timestamp: 31:47 – 36:38

Notable submissions:

• Jess (Virginia): “The happy birthday song needs to be stopped.”
  • Phil & Dan riff on alternative birthday songs (“You came out vagina!” – 33:00)
• Arela (Philippines): Bluetooth connecting to dad’s speaker mid-“Heated Rivalry.”
  • Dan: “Spread those cheeks. Oh no...”
  • Phil: “Why is there a cast-to-TV button on porn?”
• Bunny (Melbourne): Ban the phrase “we’re trying for a baby”—too much information.
  • Dan: “That’s the first place my head’s going.”
  • Phil: “Trying is like repeatedly repeated squirt.” (35:17)
• Ashlyn (Canada): Hard launch of her sexuality—comes out to conservative Mormon father after 10 years.

Ashlyn: “So hello to anyone listening. I am so, so, so gay.” (36:13) Phil: “Now you can send the free in the lesbian life...” (36:32)

13. The Main Birthday Present

Timestamp: 37:01 – 38:21

• Gift reveal: A hand-stitched rug of Steve the pigeon (formerly their one-footed rescue).
• Phil is giddy, thanks Dan and artist Sylvia, and promises to hang it up.

Phil: “Oh, I love it so much.” (37:47) Dan: “Steve the pigeon may no longer live at our house, but now he can join us in the Faust.” (38:14)

14. Closing Banter & Next Week’s Tease

Timestamp: 38:23 – 39:22

• Phil revels in his birthday bender: “Cake, yapping, Avatar bum, now a pigeon rug.”
• Next episode will be “back to normal”… but they doubt they’re ever normal.
• Patreon shout: “Sugar crash will probably happen.”
• Final joke: Who gets to eat what Phil body part from the cake next?

Memorable Quotes

On Eating Cake of Each Other:

Dan: “I will have Phil's right nipple. Stumpy right nipple short.” (03:35)

On Birthday Week Philosophy:

Phil: “Stretch it out. That's the advice.” (05:59)

On Workplace Pettiness:

Dan: “Sometimes, in like a petty revenge way, being pedantically polite to someone that's trying as hard as possible to give you a stinky attitude is kind of just like torturing them in a fun way.” (20:50)

Listener Wisdom:

Ashlyn: “So hello to anyone listening. I am so, so, so gay.” (36:13)

Happy Birthday Song Remix:

Dan: “Happy birthday. You're older but wiser. You came out vagina.” (32:52–33:00)

Episode Flow & Tone

• Language: Sarcastic, self-deprecating, cheeky, deeply conversational.
• Energy: Wild, rapid-fire, rambly, authentic overshare.
• Highlights: Chaotic birthday energy, food-based innuendo, surreal hypotheticals, and heartfelt moments amid the madness.
• Listener Value: Even if you missed the episode, you walk away knowing Dan and Phil’s dynamic: part irreverent comedy, part earnest friendship, and always a bit messy.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro/Warnings: 00:30–01:03
• Cake Reveal & Chaos: 01:16–04:22
• Birthday Traditions & Philosophy: 04:27–07:20
• Clumsiness Chronicles: 11:43–13:13
• "Weird News": 21:44–25:02
• Palladium Story: 25:02–28:29
• Five-Finger Liquids Question: 29:01–31:31
• Listener Hard Launches: 31:47–36:38
• Gift Reveal (Steve the Pigeon Rug): 37:01–38:21

For the Dan & Phil Initiate

Expect irreverence, inside jokes, operational chaos, and more mention of body parts (both edible and functionally hypothetical) than you’ll find on any other birthday podcast. Beneath the chaos, there’s genuine affection, offbeat advice, and the sense you’re always being let in on the joke.

Next time: No birthday hats, maybe fewer nipple cakes. But, as always, never normal.