Dan inserts Phil into his memories

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Dan inserts Phil into his memories
Date: August 10, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester (Studio71)

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Episode Overview

In this comedic oversharing adventure, Dan and Phil put their friendship, codependency, and questionable memory to the test as they riff on everything from the confusion of moving meetings "forward," anthropomorphic foxes, emoji semiotics, and whether owning a hot tub would doom them to swinger-dom. Highlights include Dan's tendency to retroactively insert Phil into his memories, the perils of performing for others, killer butterflies, and an extended, irreverent debate about public urination and etiquette.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

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1. Chronological Confusion & Timekeeping

[00:00–01:12]

• Phil's Misadventure: Phil recounts being an hour late after misunderstanding the phrase "move it forward," thinking it meant later.
  • Phil: “In my head, I thought moving something forward meant it’s an hour later.” [00:03]
  • Dan: “No, they meant… an hour earlier.” [00:26]
• ** Philosophical Debate:** Both hosts (semi-seriously) debate what "moving forward" means in the context of time.
  • Dan: “Time is a line. Shut up, physicists. I’m doing something.” [00:45]

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2. Fashion and Improvised Shanties

[01:17–01:58]

• Phil mistakes himself for Dan in the show intro, leading to jokes about their stripey attire:
  • Dan: “It’s Monday and we’re serving marks and Spencer’s 2008 nautical campaign.” [01:29]
  • Phil (improv): “We’re stripy lads. We’re on a boat. We’re sailing towards time. What will happen next to this curly haired swine?” [01:39]

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3. Furries, Foxes, and Emoji Discourse

[02:02–04:26]

• Jokes about which animals furries are drawn to and the new 2027 emoji leak:
  • Dan: “Why are foxes the most fuckable animals?” [02:17]
  • Phil: “Only if it’s anthropomorphic and the fox can talk. That’s what you’re saying?” [02:25]
• Deep dive into the nuances and social reading of emojis (cracked face, cucumber, cowboy):
  • Dan: “If Phil hits you with the cowboy emoji, he doesn’t give a fuck.” [04:21]

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4. Mouse Madness and Psychological Fragility

[04:57–05:44]

• Phil worries about mysterious rustlings at home before realizing it’s loud crickets, not hypothetical mice or inner ear problems.
  • Dan: “Phil is that easy to break psychologically? You would not last in the Big Brother house.” [05:28]

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5. Dan’s Phantom Memories: Inserting Phil

[05:45–07:16]

• Phil points out that Dan keeps inserting him into personal stories/memories he wasn't part of.
  • Phil: “You have just inserted me in your mind into this trip to Scotland. I literally just was…but you were there, right? No, no.” [06:01]
  • Dan: “Who am I without you? I don’t know, Phil. In my mind, you’re always just there.” [06:49]
• Discussion of Dan's codependency and the comic implications:
  • Phil: “That also means I don’t really have to go anywhere with you because you’re gonna remember I was there anyway.” [06:53]

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6. Codependent Friendship & Social Dynamics

[07:23–10:15]

• They muse on how their personalities change (or don’t) in each other's absence.
• Dan worries Phil enables his social anxieties, while Phil claims he's just as awkward alone but less analytical.
  • Dan: “Are we in a toxic, codependent relationship and you’re actually a crutch?” [08:13]
  • Phil: “I am a great person to have around. That’s what I realized.” [08:53]
  • Dan: “Phil’s…biggest character flaw is he is so concerned with everybody else having a good time that he will absolutely make sure everyone has what they need.” [08:57]

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7. On Pretending Knowledge & ‘Hubris’

[10:29–11:52]

• Phil admits to pretending to know things in conversation to avoid embarrassment, especially about the Odyssey and the word "hubris."
  • Phil: “I’m gonna be real. I don’t know what hubris is, and I’m too scared to ask.” [10:53]
• Dan argues he feigns ignorance in business emails to feel less threatening.
  • Dan: “I feel like I need people to permanently underestimate me.” [11:52]

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8. Ribena Crisis & Butterfly Memories

[13:45–16:42]

• The British climate threatens Ribena production—a heartbreak for Phil.
  • Phil: “Challenging British weather is endangering stock levels of Ribena.” [14:00]
• Discussion of a Japanese boy’s scientific butterfly experiment leads to a dark tangent about associating lavender with pain.
  • Dan: “He did it by releasing a lavender scent and electrocuting the caterpillars...and three generations of butterflies would avoid lavender.” [15:51]
• Phil is audibly disappointed by the ending:
  • Phil: “That’s stressful. I was really enjoying that story. Could you not tell me the ending?” [16:24]

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9. Hot Tub Dilemmas & The Swinger Stigma

[18:01–21:40]

• They debate whether buying a hot tub is inherently “swingery.”
  • Phil: “Is having a hot tub inherently a little bit swingery?” [18:45]
  • Dan: “It will make us look like insidious fuck planners.” [20:48]
• The duo imagines increasingly awkward ways to invite guests to use their hot tub (“bubble time”) only to find each is worse than the last.
  • Phil: “How about we all get wet wet together?” [21:29]
  • Dan: “No, Phil.”

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10. Family Visits & The Shard Adventure

[21:45–24:28]

• Phil’s family visits for mum’s birthday; they do a barbecue before an unexpectedly highbrow dinner at The Shard.
  • Phil: “I was nervous I was gonna explode everyone, because gas is scary.” [21:57]
  • Phil: “I don’t love mega fancy food where you just get little balls of gel and dots. I like medium fancy, where you get a big thing.” [23:28]
• Reveals about luxury apartments never filled and the idea of ball pits and quirky offices.

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11. Audience Call-ins: Hygiene Nightmares and Printer Rage

[28:04–29:13]

• Listener Ella rails against barefoot airplane passengers in lavatories:
  • Ella: “Guys, the floor of the lavatory is wet, and it’s not...not water.” [28:15]
  • Dan: “Anyone that is literally stomping their grippers around on a plane are gonna be the people that poke them between the seats...” [28:28]
• Printer frustration echoes through the studio:
  • Phil: “I kicked the printer, literally... I’m never printing anything again. I’m gonna paint everything from now on.” [29:41]
  • Dan: “Handwritten notes, Sorry. Someone says, give me a scan of your passport. Like fuck. I’ll describe it to you.” [30:25]

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12. Workplace Romance (or Risk?)

[30:45–31:59]

• Listener Erin wants to "normalize sleeping with co-workers."
  • Erin: “There is just something about working with someone that just makes them so much more appealing. And I just think it brings a bit of fun to the workplace...” [30:45]
  • Phil: “That’s why you get together and then start a business together.” [31:27]
  • Dan: “I would say life is short, so fuck the people that you’re sat next to and worry about it tomorrow, when your whole life comes crumbling down...” [31:40]

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13. Episode Wrap-up & Teaser

[32:18–34:10]

• Reflecting on the episode's "pissy" content.
  • Phil: “Thanks for joining us. This was very pissy. I’m sorry.” [32:18]
• Announcing a two-week hiatus before the tour, Patreon extras, and a glimpse at tour bus choices.
  • Dan: “We are gonna come out of that hole like Jesus...We’re gonna come out like a butterfly from a crystal lavender.” [33:16]
  • Phil: “You’re in the luggage compartment where you belong.” [34:00]
• Dan to Phil: “Go back to being anxious.” [34:09]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan: “Who am I without you? I don’t know, Phil. In my mind, you’re always just there.” [06:49]
• Phil: “I just lie in a towel like a caterpillar in a cocoon.” [00:20]
• Dan: “Phil is that easy to break psychologically? You would not last in the Big Brother house.” [05:28]
• Phil: “Is having a hot tub inherently a little bit swingery?” [18:45]
• Dan: “It will make us look like insidious fuck planners.” [20:48]
• Phil: “This was very pissy. I’m sorry.” [32:18]
• Ella (caller): “The floor of the lavatory is wet, and it’s not...not water.” [28:15]
• Erin (caller): “It should be normalized to sleep with your coworkers...I just think it brings a bit of fun to the workplace.” [30:45]

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Humor, Tone & Running Themes

• Lightning-fast, cheeky banter with plenty of self-deprecating humor and absurdist asides.
• Recurring motifs of codependency, social awkwardness, and laziness—both hosts poke fun at themselves and each other.
• Willingness to overshare (bordering on cringe) about bodily functions, embarrassing family moments, anxieties.
• The duo frequently pivots from seemingly serious subjects (climate change, memory, codependency) to delightful or gross comedic explorations.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–01:12 – “Moving forward” with time & arrivals
• 01:17–01:58 – Stripey nautical intro and shanty improv
• 02:02–04:26 – Furries, emojis & anthropomorphic animals
• 05:45–07:16 – Dan inserting Phil into memories
• 07:23–10:15 – Codependence and social roles
• 10:29–11:52 – Pretending knowledge, ‘hubris,’ & business email anxiety
• 13:45–16:42 – Ribena & butterfly memory experiment
• 18:01–21:40 – Hot tub debate and swinger paranoia
• 21:45–24:28 – Phil’s family, The Shard, & fine dining mishaps
• 28:04–29:13 – Listener “gripper” horror & printer rage
• 30:45–31:59 – Workplace romance caller & fun workplace risks
• 32:18–34:10 – Wrap-up, hiatus announcement, and tour bus teases

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This episode is a vibrant example of Dan and Phil’s signature comedic rapport—chaotic, confessional, and full of quick-fire absurdity. It's perfect for dedicated fans who love the pair's blend of wit, camaraderie, and unapologetic weirdness.

Transcript

[Phil Lester]

I'm stressed because I was an hour late for something today.

[Dan Howell]

This is not your fault.

[Phil Lester]

No, it's not my fault. They said they were gonna move it forward, Right? So in my head, I thought moving something forward meant that it's an hour later.

[Dan Howell]

An extra hour. And what did you do at this time? Prepare extra hard for the meeting.

[Phil Lester]

I had a long, foamy shower. Without falling over.

[Dan Howell]

Phil sat on his bed in his towel, looking at TikTok.

[Phil Lester]

That's my meditation for a full hour. I don't need therapy. I just lie in a towel like a caterpillar in a cocoon.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. No, they meant I'm gonna move it forward, which means an hour earlier.

[Phil Lester]

No, forward isn't early. That's going forward in time.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil would like to say that is wrong. And we will fight anyone who thinks that 2v1 will double check. 2v1 in the car park.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa. What's going on in the car park?

[Dan Howell]

Time is a line.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Shut up, physicists. I'm doing something.

[Phil Lester]

It is a line.

[Dan Howell]

We are helpless, Phil. We are free falling through it.

[Phil Lester]

Flopping.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. So if we're moving it forward, it's.

[Listener/Caller]

Huh.

[Dan Howell]

Away. What you feel like we can't help what's going on. We're falling through space, trying our best. So if we're moving it forward, it's away from us. Whereas, Phil, there's some people out there that believe the world happens to them.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

So if they say forward, they're saying, bring time to me.

[Phil Lester]

So you either think you're the main character of the world or you need therapy.

[Dan Howell]

No offense. Three, two, one.

[Phil Lester]

Hey. It's another hard Monday. I'm Dan. Happy. Oh, my God. I said I'm Dan. I'm cut.

[Dan Howell]

That's a great start. That was a great start.

[Phil Lester]

He's Dan.

[Dan Howell]

You had one job.

[Phil Lester]

I'm Phil. We're both stripey.

[Dan Howell]

It's Monday and we're serving marks and Spencer's 2008 nautical campaign.

[Phil Lester]

I like this outfit. Why do you keep sassing our clothes?

[Dan Howell]

Give me a shanty right now. Phil, this is improv.

[Phil Lester]

We're stripy lads. We're on a boat. We're sailing towards time. What will happen next to this curly haired swine?

[Dan Howell]

Excuse you, I was gonna say something about a mime, but you he had went and called me a pig.

[Phil Lester]

And he's hot.

[Dan Howell]

You can't fucking save it now. You called me a pig. Maybe he's into that.

[Phil Lester]

I like a swine.

[Dan Howell]

Shout out to the swinees in the chat.

[Phil Lester]

Swiney.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not saying I've seen a lot of furry stuff. There's not a lot of pigs.

[Phil Lester]

No, I think it's because pigs aren't furry. They do say that most furries just look like a dog. They all look like a wolf. Even the sharks.

[Dan Howell]

I'm a tiger. I'm a shark. I'm a dragon. They're all just fucking foxes.

[Phil Lester]

They've still got foxes.

[Dan Howell]

God. Why are foxes the most fuckable animals?

[Phil Lester]

That's a question we should also ask your therapist.

[Dan Howell]

And this is a comedy podcast. Hi. It's a Monday.

[Phil Lester]

Only if it's anthropomorphic and the fox can talk. That's what you're saying?

[Dan Howell]

Yes. Obviously you don't need to say that.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe you did mix that. It's Monday and we have heard there are new emojis being released in 2027.

[Dan Howell]

Let's have a spring summer 2027 emoji leak.

[Phil Lester]

Let's have a think and have a look.

[Dan Howell]

Bam. Eclectic mix.

[Phil Lester]

We have a butterfly, a net symbol, a meteor. That's pretty good.

[Dan Howell]

And a cracked face. This is something about the times. A lighthouse warning for danger.

[Phil Lester]

And then a cock is a pickle.

[Dan Howell]

I would like to tell the audience listening on Spotify, there is a cucumber and it is upwards at a 45 degree angle. They know exactly what they're doing.

[Phil Lester]

They know what they're doing with that.

[Dan Howell]

Now they could have put that cucumber facing any direction. And they said, look at this knobbly gherkin.

[Phil Lester]

This erect gherkin.

[Dan Howell]

Get away from me.

[Phil Lester]

Are they gonna be using the eggplant and the gherkin to represent different kinds of peen? That's the question.

[Dan Howell]

Now, I really don't want you to, but I need you to explain right now the difference between those two things.

[Phil Lester]

One's chunkier. I think it's either a girthy one

[Dan Howell]

or a one with herpes. What is happening?

[Phil Lester]

Or a green one. One belonging to Shrek.

[Dan Howell]

We've also got slippery slope and sideways thumbs.

[Phil Lester]

What's for that? Whoa. That's like, look at me. Look at this guy.

[Dan Howell]

Look at me. I'm fucking cracking under the weight of the world.

[Phil Lester]

The cracked face could be. I'm severely under moisturized.

[Dan Howell]

It could be. Or it's like, this is what it's like listening to the Hard launch podcast at 6am on a Monday.

[Phil Lester]

That's what everybody is like listening to the face. Do people even use emojis that much anymore? Cause I always feel slightly embarrassing when I emoji.

[Dan Howell]

I Don't like emojis, but to certain people. Because as we know, I'm like a performative serial killer type person that likes to just be the person that they want me to be.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Sometimes I crack out the emoji that I think is necessary for them to like me.

[Phil Lester]

I just use them when I just can't be bothered to say anything.

[Dan Howell]

So I'm just like sunglasses emoji. Sunglasses means Phil thinks you're fucking horrible.

[Phil Lester]

No, it doesn't.

[Dan Howell]

It just means he thinks that you're stupid.

[Phil Lester]

It just means, like, there's not really much else to say. I'm just gonna do a little. React a little. Cute cowboy. Cowboy. Can't be that.

[Dan Howell]

If Phil hits you with the cowboy emoji, he doesn't give a fuck.

[Phil Lester]

I do give a fuck.

[Dan Howell]

You're not even worth a yup or a lol.

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

And he's not saying anything because I just absolutely exposed and dragged him. What is sideways thumb for anyway?

[Phil Lester]

That's for when someone needs a sideways thumb in.

[Dan Howell]

Is that like a Mormon thing? You can't have sex before marriage, but you can do the old sideways thumb.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Or sideways double thumb if you're feeling.

[Dan Howell]

What, from both sides?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. One in the ear for the listeners.

[Dan Howell]

I just gesticulate.

[Phil Lester]

One in the other ear.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that's what the people will be doing. Listen to the Hard launch podcast at 6am on a Monday. Wow. Well, that's gonna be a big year. I'm so looking forward to getting my cracked face out.

[Phil Lester]

Same. I've been hearing a mysterious rustling around the house, and I was wondering if we've got a mouse back or not. Is that. And then I realized it was in my ear. So I don't know if, like, when we had our ears cleaned that they've damaged my eardrum.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

That's what I'm hearing.

[Dan Howell]

The voices.

[Listener/Caller]

No.

[Phil Lester]

I saw that our garden's got loads of crickets in it. And there was a cricket in our house. And I was hearing the cricket and it's just really loud.

[Dan Howell]

And it gaslit you into thinking that there was something in your own ear.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is that easy to break psychologically? You would not last in the Big Brother house. You would not last in Squid Game Traitors.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Someone would just play a honk sound and you'd be like, it's the Ghost of Christmas Past.

[Phil Lester]

It's not. It's a little Ghost of Christmas cricket.

[Dan Howell]

Well, that's what you get for opening a window. That's why I don't do that. Don't let the bugs in. Don't let the fresh air in.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Stay safe.

[Phil Lester]

Something we noticed this week is Dan keeps inserting me into memories when I was. I was not there. This is actually true, which keeps happening. He's telling a story. He was saying, hey, remember we went to Edinburgh with Carrie Fletcher, and we did this whole campaign for Brave, and we got to toss cabers? I was like, no, I was not there.

[Dan Howell]

I was not fucking there for any of you. You have just inserted me in your mind into this trip to Scotland. I literally just was. But you were there, right? No, no.

[Phil Lester]

Was I wearing a kilt in your mind? What was I doing? Did I have a good time? Was I good at firing the arrows?

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck was Phil doing with a log in Edinburgh in my mind?

[Phil Lester]

Did I eat haggis?

[Dan Howell]

The more you ask, the less it makes sense.

[Phil Lester]

Did I chop that wood?

[Dan Howell]

The other one is, I keep saying, oh, Phil, you remember the first time I cracked out Sister Daniel?

[Phil Lester]

No, I was not there when you.

[Dan Howell]

Phil wasn't there. I was on my own tour when

[Phil Lester]

you were cracking as Sister Daniel.

[Dan Howell]

It just makes sure there was a lot of crack. The people of Nashville, yeah, that was cracking.

[Phil Lester]

But what was I in that universe? Was I dressed up?

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is what I'm asking. Phil was like, and what did I do with Sister Daniel on that night? Okay, well, we're not going there.

[Phil Lester]

Was I wearing a Father Philip outfit?

[Dan Howell]

Who am I without you? I don't know, Phil. In my mind, you're always just there.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know, that's nice that you just insert me into those memories, but that also means I don't really have to go anywhere with you because you're gonna remember I was there anyway.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. So if you're ever like, I just can't be fucking bothered to go to this event, you'll be like, I actually don't need to, because in three weeks, you'll tell everybody that I was there.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

And I know you so well, I can just write you as a character without you actually having to live.

[Phil Lester]

So I can just sit at home and play Mina the Hollower while you go out into the wilderness and do stuff?

[Dan Howell]

Are you even real?

[Phil Lester]

Touch me. Try it. Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, fuck.

[Listener/Caller]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Try it.

[Dan Howell]

It's Jova.

[Phil Lester]

It was in his mind. What do you act like when I'm not there? That's what I want to know. Cause I don't know, like, do you pretend to be slightly different? Cause sometimes Dan does. A performative personality. That's not Himself. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Who do I yearn to be without Phil in the room?

[Phil Lester]

Sometimes you say you don't feel like you have a personality, so I kind of want to observe that. Without me to bounce off of what

[Dan Howell]

is my evil agenda when Phil isn't in the room?

[Phil Lester]

Can you not just be a normal

[Dan Howell]

person dressing up as a slutty nun, throwing ass at anyone who's willing to look sideways?

[Phil Lester]

I'm finally free.

[Dan Howell]

Clearly, that's it. I mean, what were we gonna say?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Or maybe it's like, oh, my God. Dan observed alone in a room without Phil, and I'm just sat there talking to an empty chair.

[Phil Lester]

That could be it. What I think is, is that fun

[Dan Howell]

and sweet, or is it really sad and a bit scary?

[Phil Lester]

It's a bit sad. I think you do rely on me to make conversation with people, so you'll be forced to chat more if I'm not there.

[Dan Howell]

But are we in a toxic, codependent relationship and you're actually a crutch? And it's more that when you're not there, I'm forced to step up and be normal because my anxiety about not performatively being normal outweighs the amount that I don't want to talk to someone. Whereas when you are there, I'm like, I don't want to talk to any of these people at this dinner. I'm just going to sit here and

[Phil Lester]

let me do the conversation.

[Dan Howell]

And because Phil's there and because you feel so much more awkward about not being normal, you are going to carry that conversation.

[Phil Lester]

I carry it on.

[Dan Howell]

You are going to crack jokes. You are going to look people in the eye. You are going to ask them about their day. And that. But buys me time to just go,

[Phil Lester]

just sit in silence.

[Dan Howell]

Prime life. Prime life.

[Phil Lester]

I am a great person to have around. That's what I realized.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's.

[Phil Lester]

I'm like the glue of.

[Dan Howell]

It's the biggest character flaw is he is so concerned with everybody else having a good time that he will absolutely make sure that everyone has what they need.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Attention, snacks, drinks. That is you.

[Phil Lester]

Strokes.

[Dan Howell]

Haven't been to one of those parties. What do you do when I'm not there?

[Phil Lester]

When you're not there, I am exactly the same. Because I don't think so hard about stuff like you. I'm just living in the moment.

[Dan Howell]

But here's the thing. When we're together, you're like, I can't answer the doorbell.

[Listener/Caller]

Dan.

[Dan Howell]

You do it, and it's like, you can.

[Phil Lester]

No. When you're not there.

[Dan Howell]

He's like, I can't look at my hair. I'm like, the FedEx guy doesn't give a fuck about your fringe today.

[Phil Lester]

He does.

[Dan Howell]

Phil goes 10 toes down every time, and he's like, I am not answering the door.

[Phil Lester]

Only if I.

[Dan Howell]

You can do. I'll do something else.

[Phil Lester]

I just trade it if I look bad, because I look like a mess 80% of the time. I was in Gremlin's pajamas this morning and no top. And you were like, anthony, I'm not getting my nipples out of dhl.

[Dan Howell]

It would have taken you three seconds to put a T shirt on.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, but you could have just gone

[Dan Howell]

anywhere, still sat on the bed. And he's like, I can't get dressed in time. You've got to do it. You've got to do it right. Well, we make each other worse.

[Phil Lester]

When you're not there, I just don't answer the door. I just hide.

[Dan Howell]

That's not true. You just want me to believe that. So this is the truth, guys. We encourage each other to grow, challenge each other. We achieve amazing things like male podcasts and going on world tours, but we also enable each other to just do the freakiest, pettiest little things that we should just get over.

[Phil Lester]

Something I have realized that I do recently is if someone's talking about something, I don't know what it is. Half the time, I'll just agree so I don't look stupid. And that's happened recently a lot since the Odyssey came out.

[Dan Howell]

We were having a conversation with someone and they were like, but this is an example of the hubris of the ancient Greeks.

[Phil Lester]

And I was like, yeah, he had loads of hubris. That's not what it means.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know what it means on a Monday morning. I have, like, massive hubris.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna be real. I don't know what hubris is, and I'm too scared to ask.

[Dan Howell]

It's just when you've got a big head, so you're like, yeah, I can do that.

[Phil Lester]

So I've got a lot.

[Dan Howell]

The hubris of Dan and Phil thinking that they can revolutionize the genre of male podcast.

[Phil Lester]

I have a hubris of 10 in

[Dan Howell]

regards to your attitude going into this podcast.

[Phil Lester]

My confidence of myself is hubris 10.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And daring to do something that maybe you're a bit too big for your boots to do.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. But you pretend not to know things, so then you're likable because you know everything. You've got a brain the size of What?

[Dan Howell]

This just sounds rude.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

How big is my head?

[Phil Lester]

You're big. Your head?

[Dan Howell]

Face crack emoji. I do something which Phil gets really annoyed by, which is when we're emailing people in business, I always go, so, stupid question. But this. And Phil's like, stop saying stupid question. It's not a stupid question. It's a perfectly reasonable question.

[Phil Lester]

It's like you're dumbing yourself down or you're too scared to ask a question.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like I need people to permanently underestimate me.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

What? Because I just feel like if people think you're too competent, they see you as a threat.

[Phil Lester]

Right?

[Dan Howell]

So I'm just trying to constantly look like a silly billy.

[Phil Lester]

Therapy.

[Dan Howell]

So I'm like, silly question. It's just this. And I'm like, I know all.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just like, don't silly the question. Because the question is always valid. Be a strong, confident Daniel.

[Dan Howell]

Go, boss.

[Phil Lester]

Gatekeep Dan will respect your lifestyle.

[Dan Howell]

Whip the D on the table. Yeah, Dan is here to do business.

[Phil Lester]

But first, we just came home and had a haircut.

[Dan Howell]

Hi. Aw, the dullet is there.

[Phil Lester]

Ooh, look, it's there.

[Dan Howell]

You know? Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And do you know what this haircut inspired me to talk about? The sponsor of today's podcast, Shopify, Naturally. Wait, where's my noise?

[Listener/Caller]

There we go.

[Phil Lester]

There we go.

[Dan Howell]

Do you have dreams of opening your own Dipn Pips Snip Snip Emporium? Well, don't let your scissor selling dreams be memes.

[Phil Lester]

You could sell cacti. Ours is growing so much now.

[Dan Howell]

Don't hold it between. Oh, my God. Not like that.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sorry, your majesty.

[Phil Lester]

We run down in Phil Shop, and Shopify have helped us run it from

[Dan Howell]

the start, us two silly billies to

[Phil Lester]

get it done since we were babies.

[Dan Howell]

Sure. We might, for instance, be worried about customers being disorganized like Phil, but that's not a concern, thanks to the checkout.

[Phil Lester]

It makes it so easy. It remembers everyone's info so they can just go click, click, click and check out without having to go find all their stuff.

[Dan Howell]

Bother somebody to say, what's my long card number?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

And it's super easy to set up as well, which means that we can spend more time plotting devious and strange items to sell. We are not gonna go into dip and pips scissors.

[Phil Lester]

No, but there's loads of templates to choose from, and it's so easy just to go boop, boop, boop. And you got your own Shop and

[Dan Howell]

it makes us feel official, like, you know, Gymshark. Use Shopify. And so did Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, with Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one.

[Dan Howell]

Start your free trial today at shopify.com Dan and Phil. Start your free trial today at Shopify.com Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Thanks. Yeah. Well, here's something I do know.

[Dan Howell]

The definition of hubris. Now that I've explained it, the thing.

[Phil Lester]

Bye. Bye. Blackcurrants.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Challenging British weather is endangering stock levels of Ribena.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, no.

[Phil Lester]

Although it tastes bad now, the sweetener in it, so I don't care that much.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. Phil imports his Ribena.

[Phil Lester]

You've got to. I need the full sugar.

[Dan Howell]

If you subscribe to the Danifil Patreon, you're making it so that Phil can buy 4 pound bottles of Ribena that have full sugar.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Harriet Presser, the agronomist.

[Dan Howell]

Agronomist, Agriculture. Oh, agronomist.

[Phil Lester]

Agronomist.

[Dan Howell]

It's like when you're really big headed and you believe that you can tame the earth and plant blackcurrants. In spite of the encroaching climate disaster,

[Phil Lester]

Agronomist and my hubris is affected. The agronomist for Ribena said, in the last year there's been heavy rain and hail and we've had three major heat waves.

[Dan Howell]

This is an apocalypse in Britain. You don't understand. We've had hail and it's been warm,

[Phil Lester]

leading to a low yell.

[Dan Howell]

Finally cares about climate change.

[Phil Lester]

Come for my sweet drinks. I'm coming for you.

[Dan Howell]

It was too close, wasn't it? It was giving pickle emoji. She gotta look after those blackcurrant stocks.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. We need to fix the environment so

[Dan Howell]

that you can have a sustainable supply of Ribena.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Metaphorphic.

[Dan Howell]

One more time. Here we go. Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Metaphoric memories.

[Dan Howell]

Nope.

[Phil Lester]

Metamorphic.

[Dan Howell]

One more time for luck.

[Phil Lester]

Did you read the metamorphic?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Phil turned into a caterpillar.

[Phil Lester]

And girl, a 10 year old Japanese boy, has discovered that butterflies can remember their time as caterpillars.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, he raised butterflies. And then he says that they always remember him when he releases them into nature. So he's like, come to me, have this leaf. And then they go into their pods. He says, be free. And then they flutter around like, hello. And then he does the meme. Wow, is this a memory?

[Phil Lester]

What? He says it's crazy to me that they turn into a full liquid mush.

[Dan Howell]

They don't. It's just fake News. The thing that people always say, they don't really turn into a mush. Oh, there is some mushiness, but they don't literally turn into a gel.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry, did you put a camera in there? How do we know this science is a thing.

[Dan Howell]

And. Well, this is the question, Phil. How does this 10 year old Japanese boy know that butterflies have memories? Huh? Oh, well, people thought it was cute. They just saw the viral tweet and then you zoom in on the board behind him. Well, he did it by releasing a lavender scent and then electrocuting the caterpillars when they sniffed it so that they would associate it with pain and hate. Lavender. And what you realize is three generations of butterflies after metamorphosizing, would also avoid lavender because they know that it means danger.

[Phil Lester]

That's stressful. I was really enjoying that story. Could you not tell me the ending?

[Dan Howell]

Next time butterflies remember their caretaker. To be fair, I think it was like a very low voltage thing that was also attached to his arm. So they might have just like felt a vibration. But yeah, this was science. Yes, knowledge. But at what cost?

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Your grandchildren children will remember to fear lavender. Maybe I need to start Pavlovian ly training you to close the cupboards. Yeah, cattle prod.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe your great granddad avoided color and that's why you are the way you are rude.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Do you ever feel like a plastic bottle? Katy Perry's latest zany stunt.

[Dan Howell]

She's so crazy.

[Phil Lester]

She flopped hard, she crowd surfed in a plastic bottle. And the audience wouldn't send her back to the stage. I've already seen this. It's very funny.

[Dan Howell]

No, this is funny. It's also terrifying. Yeah, like imagine being like, yeah, crowds up now send me back. And then they just democratically decide, no, no, we're gonna keep taking you back. I think that she just got lucky. She kept like rolling in a zorb, like sense forward and then collectively, the further the people that were dedicated enough to get to the close of a Katy Perry crowd were they thought, okay, maybe we want to hear Dark Horse. Let's get her back on stage.

[Listener/Caller]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Shall we climb inside for the hard launch tour and get rolled across the audience?

[Dan Howell]

You think these people can lift up us and absorb?

[Phil Lester]

Probably not. No.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking roast them.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

That's so r. We know there's at least three people on the protein right now.

[Phil Lester]

A giant golden pig.

[Dan Howell]

We are the money in the piggy bank.

[Phil Lester]

We'll roll around.

[Dan Howell]

There we go.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna replace our lawn because in London you Can't really have grass because it gets torched by the sun.

[Dan Howell]

The people that built the house were like. People like lawns, right? For playing football with their children, for their dogs to piss.

[Phil Lester]

We don't have a dog. We don't have a child.

[Dan Howell]

It's just Phil that's pissing and he doesn't need a lawn.

[Phil Lester]

So we want to turn the lawn into somewhere you can just, like, sit and chat instead of piss. With loads of nice flowers for the bees.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Why are you. No piss.

[Dan Howell]

We've got a verbena. Do you know what that is? It's like Ribena but a plant. What's up with Beaner being purple?

[Phil Lester]

Beena?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I hardly knew her.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what it means.

[Dan Howell]

Anyway, there's a plant. It's purple, it's nice. We didn't plant it.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And it's taken over our garden. A bird shit it.

[Phil Lester]

It did. We didn't plant it. It's just come from nowhere.

[Dan Howell]

So shout out to the bird that shit this seed in our garden. Life has found a way because it's beautiful. And there is 57 billion bees and butterflies.

[Phil Lester]

It's beautiful. But we do have a space where we could put something. And we were wondering, could we have a hot tub? But then I said, the question. Is having a hot tub inherently a little bit swingery?

[Dan Howell]

We've had that chat. I was like, phil, look, we've just got this area because you don't need much space for a hot tub.

[Phil Lester]

No, it's just like.

[Dan Howell]

What did Anthony Padilla say? It's like, you know, just two bros. Just two bros wide. It's fine.

[Phil Lester]

Five feet apart.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. You don't need much space. But it feels like we're fun guys, right? We don't have kids or a dog to piss. You can piss in your own hot tub if you want to buy one.

[Phil Lester]

Picture this.

[Dan Howell]

I'm picturing it.

[Phil Lester]

We've got two friends at our house.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, who are they?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe they're handsome gays.

[Dan Howell]

And we're like, philza's doing fan fiction now. He's about to self insert the emoji.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm just like, we've had some wine. Why don't we all get in the hot tub together? Is that inherently. Is it like.

[Dan Howell]

I know. It's like an activity in a perfectly innocent scenario. You just said all of those things and you're saying, we've got a hot tub. Is that now a thing that we can do?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Or is it like this whole thing was insidiously leading up the fuck path.

[Phil Lester]

Even if it was just like a straight couple. Even if I was like, hey, so should we hit the hot tub?

[Dan Howell]

We saw you across the garden and we liked your vibe. You want to get in the hot tub?

[Phil Lester]

It has an energy to it. I feel. I don't know if I'm being weird, so it's a question mark.

[Dan Howell]

And which way are you leaning? Feels like I want the bubbles, but I don't want the reputation.

[Phil Lester]

I like the idea of being warm in bubbles at all times.

[Dan Howell]

I don't like the idea of your.

[Listener/Caller]

Or.

[Dan Howell]

How do I say this inoffensively?

[Phil Lester]

Bodily fluids.

[Dan Howell]

No, but. Okay. Is that a thing that I need to be concerned about? I was gonna say, like, you're gonna really monitor the safety of the water.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want people to be out

[Dan Howell]

there like a dad with the test strips being like, oh, my God, what if someone gets in my pool and there's 1% too much chlorine?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. We had one of those on holiday once and I was like, really? Like, is this safe to go in or are we gonna die?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, because feels like all of our skin's gonna instantly melt off. Or if there's not enough, you're gonna instantly, instantly get a prion.

[Phil Lester]

Don't get in a hot tub with your contact lenses in. Cause a parasite can go in your eye. I had that on TikTok.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Only get in a hot tub if it smells so strongly of chlorine that your skin starts to bubble before you get into it.

[Phil Lester]

What do you think? Like I've said all my thoughts.

[Dan Howell]

I think the answer is yes. It will make us look like insidious fuck planners.

[Phil Lester]

15% swing lords, 51% swing lords. Ooh.

[Dan Howell]

But at the same time, do we know these two people that you're going to invite over?

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm just. I'm imagining.

[Dan Howell]

You just want to enjoy bubbles.

[Phil Lester]

I'm imagining. Imagining a scenario. We don't actually have many friends, so I think mostly it's just gonna be me and you bubbling.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

So we shouldn't think about other people. And if we do, we just say, we're not swingers. But do you wanna hop in and have some bubbles?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. You could be wearing anything. We won't be able to see.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe you just don't say hot tub. Maybe you just go, what about some bubble time? No, that's worse.

[Dan Howell]

That's much worse. Yeah. Yeah. That makes it sound like a bath.

[Phil Lester]

How about we all get wet wet together?

[Dan Howell]

No, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Let's move on. Move on.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want your eyes to sting? Let's. Let's soak.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

That's what the Mormon team says.

[Phil Lester]

We're not getting one.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's family came to visit to say goodbye before we go on tour forever. They did.

[Phil Lester]

It was nice. It was my mum's birthday. Did a barbecue, and they were like,

[Dan Howell]

phil on the grill.

[Phil Lester]

Philly on the grill again. I was nervous I was gonna explode everyone, because gas is scary.

[Dan Howell]

Can I do a barbecue or will I? Fire of London 2.

[Phil Lester]

There was a Fire of London one 1, famously.

[Dan Howell]

And Phil's like, what if the barbecue just fucking explod? Phil got a watering can and he watered the hedge behind the barbecue in case it was too dry and it sat on fire.

[Phil Lester]

Fire of London 2. I don't want to be responsible. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

That would actually be the thing on our Wikipedia's pages, wouldn't it? Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And my parents were like, we're coming to your house for five days. We don't want to do anything. We don't even want to go to a restaurant. We just want to see you.

[Dan Howell]

We know you're busy. Don't plan anything. We're just gonna be chill.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And then the first day they were here, they said, can we go to the Shard?

[Dan Howell]

What are we doing? What's the plan? Where are we going?

[Phil Lester]

Out.

[Dan Howell]

Then the Shard. Out of nowhere. It's a Saturday. What do you mean? Hello.

[Phil Lester]

It's quite hard to get a booking at the Shard.

[Dan Howell]

Turns out, not if you have dinner at 4:00'. Clock.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. So we had a 4:00 dinner at the Shard, which was quite fancy, actually.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Branding it as an upmarket experience for anniversaries and such. Did you like that vibe or was it a bit stuffy?

[Phil Lester]

They gave us free champagne. I'd had no lunch, so I was lit. I feel like you get more lit around your parents as well. Cause it's like a psychological thing that makes you think, oh, I shouldn't be drinking around them. And suddenly you're like, whoa, whoa, Who?

[Dan Howell]

What's happening? Well, yeah, you were like, I don't usually eat till, like, 10 because I'm a nocturnal freak. So when someone said, here's a cocktail and here's a bottle of wine and here's a free champagne for your birthday. Phil was. He was. Guys, he was being rowdy up in the Shard of.

[Phil Lester]

You end up saying things like, I'm sorry that I was born. Cause it must have been painful to push Me out. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, you're long.

[Phil Lester]

Got big bones.

[Dan Howell]

Six foot two. When he came out.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I was hither to thither.

[Phil Lester]

Haven't grown. It also made me realize I don't love mega fancy food where you just get little balls of gel and dots. I like medium fancy, where you get a big thing.

[Dan Howell]

You want to eat a plate of

[Phil Lester]

food with a firework you don't have.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, yes. Is it about just not having the patience to enjoy multiple small things, though?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. I don't want truffle. I don't want foam. I don't want steam. I just want a big pot of food.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want my food to be messed with. I want something proper and I want to tuck in.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it's.

[Dan Howell]

It's a weird building, though, the Shard.

[Phil Lester]

It is. Did you know there's like 40 apartments in there that have never been filled in? Yeah, just like empty floors of nothing.

[Dan Howell]

They built all these luxury apartments that cost, like, millions of pounds. And it's like people that have that much money, they don't want to live south of the river.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

London Bridge. Oh, no, I want to live in Chelsea.

[Phil Lester]

Could they not put something in there? A ball pit?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. They need to attract the clientele to shift these apartments by installing ball pits.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine if there was a whole floor that was just a ball pit. I'd go visit that.

[Dan Howell]

That sounds like some Google.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember when we visited YouTube and they were like, here's a meeting room and the floor and all the walls are cushions?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that was weird. Oh, there was one that was completely full of grass.

[Dan Howell]

And we want to say thank you to YouTube for your support throughout the years. You and your quirky office.

[Phil Lester]

I want to get invited to the landscaper. That's where they're going to be next. It's a skyscraper on its side, so

[Dan Howell]

they called it a landscaper. There's trees on the roof.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what's on the roof, though? What? A running track.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

It could have been a bowling alley.

[Dan Howell]

Would you rather have the 2010s performatively cringe quirky office with cushioned wall meeting rooms or the spooky packed with protein probiotic running truck, roof, office?

[Phil Lester]

It's the protein scraper.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no, it's the probiotic scraper. That's what they call the hot tub.

[Phil Lester]

Richard.

[Listener/Caller]

Whee.

[Dan Howell]

And no, I don't want to explore the probiotically scraping hot tub. It is you.

[Phil Lester]

This week no, it's not.

[Dan Howell]

I don't give a fuck.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, it was me last week. No, no. Okay, fine. I was seeing how many weeks I could go for.

[Dan Howell]

You know that I watch the podcast. Thank you, lass, we appreciate it.

[Phil Lester]

I've got a single blue ball.

[Dan Howell]

Uh oh.

[Phil Lester]

Oh no, it's one from the audience.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, thank you. We love the people that submitted the topics in our random topic generator.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go. It's an anti topic change. What? Continue about whatever you were trying to move on from. No.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God, stop it. Getting douched by a hot tub. I think that's the last thing that I said, right?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. This is from Hunter. Fuck. How do we continue that?

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. You go to a public swimming pool and there's a big hot tub. I just assume that someone pissed in it. Well, I mean, there's too much anonymity.

[Phil Lester]

They are pissing in it. I know, that's the thing. They say 50% of people just piss in the pool.

[Dan Howell]

Who is they and do they film science? Science says we need the 10 year old Japanese boy to prove that 50% of people piss in hot tubs.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna say this. Oh, we've got. The fan's got some science and findings. Yeah. Large pools that are 220,000 gallons contain about 20 gallons of urine. No, 20 gallons of piss. So octops and jacuzzi show much higher urine concentrations, sometimes over 300 times higher than regular pools due to the small water. Stop it everyone. I'm gonna say it now.

[Dan Howell]

Say it.

[Phil Lester]

I've never pissed in a swimming pool. I've always gone out to piss.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know what I did when I was 5.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know beyond 5. Like beyond 6, beyond 6, beyond 10. When you have memories.

[Dan Howell]

Beyond 15.

[Phil Lester]

Have you pissed in a pool?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, I can't actually remember a time, but if like God was like, I'm gonna shoot you, I'd be like, maybe when I was 14, I was just. I fucking panicked or something. I don't know.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. The sea is fair game. The sea is everybody's piss. Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, water cycle, baby. That's how it works.

[Phil Lester]

It's also big enough and salty, so it's fine. Sperm whale, but I'll swim away. I wouldn't like piss next to Sharon. I'd like swim.

[Dan Howell]

You would lock eyes with Sharon on the beach.

[Phil Lester]

I always go, I'm just gonna like swim out of it.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, we're all playing paddle. Why are you just six feet over there, Phil? Why Are you over there?

[Listener/Caller]

Come back.

[Dan Howell]

We're having a chat.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just gonna see if I can see a dolphin.

[Dan Howell]

Give me 20 seconds.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, you're back.

[Listener/Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Just needed a moment.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I'm just looking for a manta ray.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God.

[Phil Lester]

The current is swept away.

[Dan Howell]

Riptide.

[Phil Lester]

Don't get me started on riptide.

[Dan Howell]

Ripped into the piss.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that's it. We did it. That was Hunter. Hunter, we did it.

[Dan Howell]

Hunter. That was fucked up. Almost. Richard. 40x. We've lost that ball forever.

[Phil Lester]

That's gone under the sofa. We're never getting that back. Should we get some people to crawl into our ears with their mouths?

[Dan Howell]

Let's get a couple of people in this hot tub. We've cracked open the wine and we're ready for more.

[Phil Lester]

All right, switch on the bubbles. Who we got first?

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, my name is Ella, and you guys don't need to know where I'm from anyway. It's absolutely disgusting watching passengers walk barefoot on the plane. Don't even get me started on them walking into the lavatory with their grippers out. Guys, the floor of the lavatory is wet, and it's not. Not water.

[Phil Lester]

No. This has got a common theme, this podcast.

[Dan Howell]

I am so sorry we've lost the challenge so hard this week.

[Phil Lester]

Barefoot in the airplane toilet is a bit grim.

[Dan Howell]

That's fucking terrifying. And you know that anyone that is literally stomping their grippers around on a plane are gonna be the people that poke them between the seats as well.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. They'll be the same.

[Dan Howell]

Let me put my elbow down. Toes. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Toes are out. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I think it should be fine to just like, give them a parachute backpack.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

But eject.

[Phil Lester]

I don't even recline my seat. I'm very respectful at all times.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna say it from this episode. I think something we can all agree is, Phil, I think you actually need to just be less nice.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I just worry about other people too much, actually.

[Dan Howell]

Too much.

[Phil Lester]

What about the rules?

[Dan Howell]

You need to recline your seat. You need to let Dan speak in restaurants sometimes.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just gonna be an asshole from now on.

[Dan Howell]

Do it. Come on. Just be selfish. What do you want right now? Assert yourself.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know, you Muppet. You do what you like, right?

[Dan Howell]

The point of that was for you to assert your needs. It wasn't just to, like, randomly insult me, dickhead.

[Listener/Caller]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I can't do it.

[Dan Howell]

I like you.

[Phil Lester]

Really? I like you. Really? Next one. Hey, Dan and Phil. Hi. It's Johnny and I'M hard launching that. I hate printers. Death to all printers. Yes, I'm serious. Like, they need to go, Johnny, you have just sent this in the right time.

[Dan Howell]

You have no idea what you've awakened in, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I kicked the printer, literally.

[Dan Howell]

You physically kicked the printer.

[Phil Lester]

I was trying to print something out for my mum's birthday. It was a super sentimental thing. We bought this printer three months ago. It's one of those that you can see the ink in it.

[Dan Howell]

We had an old printer that never worked. It would just be like, oh, I'm out of cyan, sorry, your things came out pink and shit. And we went, you know what? HP Inkjet. Fuck you. Yeah, we're gonna get an Epson, whatever the fuck. So we bought this brand new printer and it literally has a clear window where you can see the ink. And it said on the thing, well, you'll see when you need more ink, so there's no more surprises. Printed three things and it just came out and it was like fucking lines.

[Phil Lester]

I hate it. Great. I'm never printing anything again. I'm gonna paint everything from now on or I'm just not doing it.

[Dan Howell]

Handwritten notes, Sorry.

[Phil Lester]

God.

[Dan Howell]

Someone says, give me a scan of your passport. Like fuck. I'll describe it to you.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just gonna draw it exactly.

[Dan Howell]

Watercolour oil painting.

[Phil Lester]

This is all because I went to that rage room and smashed up a printer. And now the printer gods are like,

[Dan Howell]

yeah, big printer are coming for you.

[Phil Lester]

They're coming for me.

[Dan Howell]

They know what you did.

[Phil Lester]

Now they're coming for me even harder. I'm gonna get killed by a printer falling from this guy.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's not here in a week. We know who did it next.

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi, my name is Erin from Newcastle and I would like to hard launch that it should be normalized to sleep with your co workers. There is just something about working with someone that just makes them so much more appealing. And I just think it brings a bit of fun to the workplace, gives us a reason to go to work. And I don't think it should be looked upon negatively.

[Phil Lester]

Well, you just made things very awkward in the facement. Wow.

[Dan Howell]

It's when you're sat and you're thinking, God, I see this person every day. Yeah. People say that you just shouldn't do that and it would really fuck everything up. I mean that's really. When you tell someone, this is a bad idea, you shouldn't do it. Well, then they're go home and they're going to be like, well, I'm going to fucking do it now, aren't I?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And by it, I mean Janice.

[Phil Lester]

That's why you get together and then start a business together.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly.

[Phil Lester]

That's how it works.

[Dan Howell]

And then buy a property, but without being married. Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Love that.

[Dan Howell]

You're covering all the bases. Maximum risk, maximum thrill potential. Piss in the hot tub.

[Phil Lester]

I would say life is short, so

[Dan Howell]

fuck the people that you're sat next to and worry about it tomorrow, when your whole life comes crumbling down, there's probably a wise way to do it. But I agree with the sentiment.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it's sexy, it's mysterious. What's gonna happen next? Your career.

[Dan Howell]

And plus, potentially, have you found me? Have I found what?

[Phil Lester]

Have you found me more attractive to you since we've had a regular work schedule together? Look at me, I'm in my stripes. I'm all businesslike.

[Dan Howell]

Totally. Yeah. There's something about you on this podcast, talking about piss for 35 minutes, that really gets me yearning for the good old days.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Thanks for joining us. This was very pissy. I'm sorry.

[Dan Howell]

It might have actually been a record.

[Phil Lester]

It was, yeah. And vote for us in the Podcast Award.

[Dan Howell]

Nah, it's okay. Look, guys, we know it's limited to UK listeners.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know, it's such a.

[Dan Howell]

Like, they might be scared.

[Phil Lester]

It's so hard to vote if you're in the uk. You have to click through the Spotify link and then there's a tiny button on that playlist that will say, vote now. And then you press it and you scroll. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

You should have followed that amazing Phil hack of putting. We could have called ourselves 1, 2, 3. The hard launches. Dan and Phillips are at the top of the list.

[Phil Lester]

If you do it, thanks. If not, it's fine. Also news, we are going to be going away for two weeks.

[Listener/Caller]

Aw.

[Dan Howell]

I could have just been like, guys, need to announce something. Hiatus.

[Phil Lester]

No, don't. You're not allowed. You're never allowed to do that. So there's not gonna be any hard launch for the next week.

[Dan Howell]

We have tour to rehearse to. We are getting ready to get on a bus. And look, there's a whole world of exciting content around the world coming. But in order to do that, we need to go into a hole for the next couple of weeks.

[Phil Lester]

We do.

[Dan Howell]

We are gonna come out of that hole like Jesus. That's what she said. He famously didn't do that, did he?

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna come out like a butterfly from a crystal lavender. Yeah. Ah. But if you're like, oh, no. Oh, they're going away. Don't worry.

[Dan Howell]

What am I gonna do?

[Phil Lester]

Because you can come over to Patreon for an extra 15 minutes of Dan and Phil right now. Right now.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe you can watch a minute every day for the next 14 days.

[Phil Lester]

We've got a list of tour buses that we can choose from, so we're gonna have a look at the different layouts and see where we could be sleeping.

[Dan Howell]

And we're gonna let the comments decide which bus we rent. We're not. That would be fucking crazy.

[Phil Lester]

The one with the bed and the stripper pole Just for me?

[Dan Howell]

Just for you.

[Phil Lester]

That's my room.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not allowed in it. Okay, you're either 26 Danafil Torbarth Trucers to come out and protect me here.

[Phil Lester]

You're in the luggage compartment where you belong. Anyway, thanks for joining us.

[Dan Howell]

Suitcase play.

[Phil Lester]

Trying being, like, mean like you said.

[Dan Howell]

I don't like it. Go back to being anxious.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah, sorry you're gonna be soft for a couple of weeks. We're gonna still post stuff here on YouTube so you can come check us out.

[Phil Lester]

There will be some more stuff on Patreon.

[Dan Howell]

And for the listeners, the next time you hear us, there's gonna be some special episodes coming. Oh, what does it mean?

[Phil Lester]

What does it mean?

[Dan Howell]

All right, we're going to go buy a hot tub, I guess. Bye.