Dan keeps licking things in public

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Dan keeps licking things in public
Date: May 4, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

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Episode Overview

This episode of HARD LAUNCH is a wild ride through Dan and Phil’s signature blend of irreverent oversharing, surreal humor, and slice-of-life storytelling. From confronting Dan’s questionable Pringle-licking habits to travel misadventures, dream sequences, and deeply unfiltered audience call-ins, the duo delivers their usual chaotic chemistry—with added commentary on social norms, bodily fluids (of both dream and planetary varieties), and unconventional proposal gems.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Pringles Licking Intervention

(Starts ~01:00)

• Phil confronts Dan about “licking Pringles in public,” claiming Dan’s method is “seductive” and not fit for polite company.
• Dan’s defense: He argues he’s “eating mindfully” and savoring every crisp “like it’s a beautiful woman.”
• Phil provides live commentary as Dan demonstrates his technique, worried about the spectacle Dan creates in public settings.

Notable Quote:

“You lick Pringles in a very seductive manner. And you look like a freak.”
— Phil, 01:06

• Sensory eating: Dan extols the pleasure of the “slightly damp Pringle,” pushing Phil to his limit.
• Ends with Dan quipping, “If you see me doing this to a Pringle, you should see what I could—” before Phil cuts him off.

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2. Dan’s Inception-Like Dream

(~04:25)

• At Phil’s urging, Dan retells his bizarre, multi-layered dream:
  • Lying in bed with Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson (One Direction).
  • A wet-bed accusation from Zayn.
  • Chapel Roan reassuring Dan, followed by a surreal hair-pulling sequence.
• Phil and Dan riff on the absurdity, bringing up personal insecurities and the relatable “wake up to check reality” moment.

Notable Quote:

“She was just like, it's okay, baby. Nobody pissed.”
— Dan, 05:42

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3. “Planet Piss” & Naturalist/Naturist Mix-Ups

(~06:31)

• Phil introduces “Planet Piss”—an actual Jupiter-sized planet with ammonia and water, bringing up the term “piss planet.”
• Dan jokes about renaming the planet “Uranus” (with special emphasis on “urine”).
• The pair riff off, wondering about “shit planets” and the endless cosmic possibilities.
• Shifts to a British wildlife festival story: A “naturalist” event (for wildlife enthusiasts) draws unexpected nudists (“naturists”), resulting in awkward refunds and the line “nuts all over the place.”

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4. Accidental TikTok Stardom

(~08:50)

• Phil unintentionally appears in a women’s rugby team TikTok at an airport, leading to minor viral fame as viewers spot him in the background.
• Dan jokes about Phil’s impeccable “Princess Diana” posture and warns listeners, “Whenever you go outside, you are always in a TikTok.”
• Reflections on internet fame, demographic algorithm targeting, and the existential insecurity of public life.

Notable Quote:

“Moral of the story, you are always in a TikTok at all times. So don't pick your nose, don't adjust your underwear, don't sit nonchalantly like Princess Diana.”
— Dan, 09:37

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5. International Travel Hijinks: Border Crushes & Soup Peer Pressure

(~13:00)

• The duo recount a secret filming trip abroad, including passport issues and a border control system crash.
• Hot border agent alert (“He looked good in a uniform”).
• Phil gets through easily, Dan chooses the “grumpy dad” agent, prompting a comic disaster and 20-minute delay.
  • “Did his pec press against your arm?” becomes the new episode catchphrase.
• On the return flight:
  • A man in front of them uses Grindr, seemingly next to his dad. Phil and Dan muse about awkward hookups at 30,000 feet—and even joke about Madonna being on the app.

Notable Moment:

“If you are on Grindr on a flight and someone says they're five yards away, you are now trapped on the same vehicle.”
— Dan, 16:36

• Local Soup Debacle: Phil gets pressured by locals to try the “soup of our land” but stand his ground (“I used my high school, don't do drugs attitude”). However, he consents to “a lick” of Dan’s spoon—unsurprisingly, he hates it.

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6. The Stansted Airport Heroism Saga

(~18:08)

• On return, a group of passengers (including Dan & Phil) are trapped after disembarking into a locked glass corridor.
• All seem resigned to “dying in Stansted,” but Dan takes action: traverses the queue, finds staff, and gets everyone freed—a moment not unironically dubbed “hero of Stansted Airport.”
• Contains jokes about being “dusty skeletons” and the futility of UK’s worst airports.

---

7. Marathon Misadventures and Fitness Real Talk

(~22:36)

• Phil’s couch-to-5k “era” lasted 6 sessions (ended by shin splints—“validate my pain!”).
• Dan thought he trained for a marathon, but admits he was just “walking kind of fast.”
• Deliciously self-deprecating: Dan demonstrates his “jogging” style, described as “an old penguin with a bbl, illegally.”
• Phil reveals he discouraged Dan from doing the London Marathon, fearing for Dan’s safety.
• On running: Both agree—endorphins are a scam (“Never found it once!”).

Notable Quote:

“The great lie is, they go, the thing with running is one day you'll just love it. No… Every single time I was like, I want to be fucking dead.”
— Dan, 27:06

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8. Audience Call-Ins: Tattoos, Relationships, and Rabies Panic

(~27:55)

• Call-in #1: Rhys from Ohio offers to get the Hard Launch logo as a tramp stamp if Dan & Phil permit. Phil reveals he already beat him to it (sort of) with a temporary tattoo—painfully close to the real “crack.”
• Call-in #2: Alyssa from Rhode Island begs all women to “stop getting a boyfriend”—frustrated by friends abandoning her for new relationships. Dan and Phil riff on their own friendship history and advice: don't drop friends for partners.
• Call-in #3: Caroline from Illinois hard-launches “getting rabies” after a bat flies into her home while her “titties were out,” possibly scratching her. The duo discuss rabies’ fatality and importance of shots. Phil recalls almost getting rabies from a squirrel—but didn’t, as “squirrels probably don’t have rabies.”

---

9. Hard Launch Ball Game & Diamond Discourse

(~32:40)

• The “speak to the manager” yellow ball randomly prompts the topic “Diamonds found dead.”
• Phil and Dan discuss the irrelevance of diamonds for Gen Z/Millennials.
• Both reminisce over shiny rocks from childhood, prefer lab-grown or alternative gems, and joke about proposing with meteorites or “the blackest stone.”

Notable Quote:

“If you were to propose to me, what gem would you get?”
— Phil, 34:07
“A meteorite.”
— Dan, 34:54
“…That is just cool.”
— Phil, 34:57

• Phil tells the story of thinking he’d found a diamond in York, only to learn it was plastic.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Quote/Moment | Attribution | |-----------|--------------|-------------| | 01:06 | “You lick Pringles in a very seductive manner. And you look like a freak.” | Phil | | 05:42 | “She was just like, it’s okay, baby. Nobody pissed.” | Dan | | 09:37 | “Moral of the story, you are always in a TikTok at all times…” | Dan | | 16:36 | “If you are on Grindr on a flight and someone says they’re five yards away, you are now trapped…” | Dan | | 27:06 | “The great lie is, they go, the thing with running is one day you’ll just love it. No…” | Dan | | 34:54 | “I want a meteorite.” | Phil |

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:00] – Pringles Licking Intervention
• [04:25] – Dan’s Dream (Zayn, Louis, and Chapel Roan)
• [06:31] – “Planet Piss” and Squirrel/Nudist Festival
• [08:50] – Accidental TikTok Fame
• [13:00] – Mystery Quest / Border Control Drama
• [17:03] – Soup Peer Pressure and Local Guide Stories
• [18:08] – Stansted Airport Escape
• [22:36] – Marathon and Running Discussion
• [27:55] – Audience Call-Ins (Tattoos, Relationships, Rabies)
• [32:40] – Ball Game & Diamonds Segment

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General Tone & Style

Expect chaotic, irreverent banter, self-deprecating humor, and moments of surprisingly sincere friendship wisdom among the TMI confessions and surreal cultural commentary. Dan is witty, occasionally outrageous; Phil is deadpan, slightly more earnest, but deeply complicit in the wild tangents.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Don’t let public embarrassment stop your odd food rituals—but maybe avoid licking Pringles erotically at a party.
• Surreal dreams and travel fails make for the best stories, especially if relayed with understatement and TMI.
• Be careful with peer pressure—especially regarding soup.
• Friendship maintenance matters, as does respecting people’s love for cheap shiny things over expensive gems.
• Always check yourself in public—you’re one step from becoming background TikTok content.
• If bitten by a bat, get the rabies shot!

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Next episode teaser: Dan is away for his mum’s birthday, and a very special bonus episode is promised, full of extra balls (literal and possibly metaphorical).

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For more:
Follow Dan and Phil on socials and check Patreon for bonus content.

Transcript

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[Phil Lester]

Dan Fell. We need to have an intervention.

[Dan Howell]

What have I done now?

[Phil Lester]

You need to stop licking Pringles in public.

[Dan Howell]

Where has this come from?

[Phil Lester]

I've been waiting since we got back from our little trip to talk about this. You lick Pringles in a very seductive manner. And you look like a freak.

[Dan Howell]

Why are we making me aware of problems that I didn't think I had?

[Phil Lester]

I've got some here today.

[Dan Howell]

What in the. This is a trap.

[Phil Lester]

It's not a trap.

[Dan Howell]

It is. You're springing this on me.

[Phil Lester]

I just want you to learn something about your. Now get tonguing the Pringle like you do in public.

[Dan Howell]

Are you sure we're doing this, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Making eye contact with your.

[Dan Howell]

You can't take this back.

[Phil Lester]

Lick it.

[Dan Howell]

Cause once you pop, you just can't stop.

[Phil Lester]

This is not an advertisement.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly. Right.

[Phil Lester]

Go on down. Just eat a Pringle like a normal person. He reaches into the tube.

[Dan Howell]

Is this really necessary?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I feel very observed and exposed right now.

[Phil Lester]

He grasps the crisp in his forefingers.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, this is not erotic fan fiction.

[Phil Lester]

And then he retracts his tongue. Go and show them what you do. Darren, that is not normal. You're not meant to be tonguing the Pringles in public. It's quite sexual. He's literally licking all of the flavoring off the Pringle. Wetting it. It must be soggy now. No, it didn't even crunch anymore because it was so wet.

[Dan Howell]

Am I not allowed to live how I want? No.

[Phil Lester]

What's wrong with that? That's so horrible. We were sat on the air. Host was right there, and you were just licking away on this Pringle. And I was like, dan, you can't do this in public.

[Dan Howell]

Am I not Eating mindfully. No, people are just sat there going. And I'm sat there appreciating every single one. Like it's a beautiful woman.

[Phil Lester]

Like a beautiful woman.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I mean, look, Phil, like, all the seasoning is on the front. So when you go like this.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that's normal.

[Dan Howell]

It's okay. But when you do this.

[Phil Lester]

Mmm.

[Dan Howell]

You just get a hit of that barbecuey goodness.

[Phil Lester]

He does it so carefully and studiously, like a gentle lover trying to tease the climax.

[Dan Howell]

I'm never gonna have a crisp ever again in my life. But see, there's something fun. The sensory experience of the slightest slightly damp Pringle.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Also, how are you supposed to do you do. Like that.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Just put it in your mouth and chew.

[Dan Howell]

Someone does this, they're a serial killer. Right? But no, I do this.

[Phil Lester]

No, you're wrong in every way. He just put the whole Pringle in his mouth sideways. It's like if I just sucked out the middle of a ravioli and left its floppy skin on the table in a restaurant.

[Dan Howell]

Great. Now I'm not gonna have fucking pasta on my bed in my entire life. What's wrong with you?

[Phil Lester]

Okay, Dan, in private, fine.

[Dan Howell]

I think other people need to be more open minded and let me eat my food however I want.

[Phil Lester]

Okay?

[Dan Howell]

But what can I say, boys? If you see me doing this to a Pringle, you should see what I could.

[Phil Lester]

Stop. Welcome back.

[Dan Howell]

What's up to Hard Launch Dan and Phil Mail Podcast Mondays.

[Phil Lester]

He's Phil, I'm Dan. And welcome to the Hard Launch podcast.

[Dan Howell]

I almost pressed it.

[Phil Lester]

Don't press it. So why am I shouting? So. So welcome.

[Dan Howell]

Calm down. Like, I'm sat right here. You don't need to do that.

[Phil Lester]

Hi, welcome to the show.

[Dan Howell]

Let's do this more erotically. Let's do an entire episode of our like this.

[Phil Lester]

So, Dan, I know it's boring to hear about someone's dream, but do you want to tell the listeners? Do you want to tell.

[Dan Howell]

Don't expose Dan Weed. What the hell is. I don't think we should share this.

[Phil Lester]

Do you want to tell the class? Tell the class what you told me this morning.

[Dan Howell]

No, it's a bit weird.

[Phil Lester]

All right, tell him. Tell him. Release it.

[Dan Howell]

I had like a triple layer inception dream.

[Phil Lester]

Triple?

[Dan Howell]

Are you sure?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And the first layer was for some reason, I was just laying in bed with Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, I've had that dream before. It's quite a common one.

[Dan Howell]

And of all the times in the world, I don't want to be in the middle of that. I mean, I do, but not in regards to. Anyway, I wake up in the dream and I'm like, whoa. Oh, my God. Okay, I'm in the Dan and Phil London apartment.

[Phil Lester]

No, wait, wait, wait. You missed the most important bit where you said Zane turned to you and said, he's wet the bed. He said, the bed is damp. Why is the bed wet?

[Dan Howell]

That did happen. And look, I don't know if someone pissed.

[Phil Lester]

He just asked, why is it wet?

[Dan Howell]

And in that moment I went, have

[Phil Lester]

you washed the sheets?

[Dan Howell]

It's almost like that nightmare where you're like, oh, my God, did I wet the bed? Yeah, but don't worry, because do you know who was next to me to reassure me that I hadn't wet the bed? Chapel Roan.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, plot twist.

[Dan Howell]

It was. I literally rolled over.

[Phil Lester]

There was Chapel Road, red hair.

[Dan Howell]

She was just like, it's okay, baby. Nobody pissed.

[Phil Lester]

Nobody pissed. But then you said you grabbed her hair and started pulling it out.

[Dan Howell]

Well, no, I was just like, this makes no sense. Why are you here?

[Phil Lester]

The dream is folding and I just

[Dan Howell]

immersed my hands in her hair. And then I woke up in the actual bed.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And yeah, that was fucked up. All of this happened in about 25 seconds.

[Phil Lester]

And then you tugged on my head to check if I was real.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Wig.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it was not a wig.

[Dan Howell]

That was a fucked up start to the day.

[Phil Lester]

And I hadn't pissed the bed. It was dry.

[Dan Howell]

So you guys think you're having a hard Monday? It could be me.

[Phil Lester]

And it was with Zane and Louis.

[Dan Howell]

We're not going there.

[Phil Lester]

No. Do you know where we are going?

[Dan Howell]

Where?

[Phil Lester]

Into the thing. I'm feeling like I want to do. Here's the thing.

[Dan Howell]

Now, it's your show, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

You can do it. It's my show. Here's the thing. Planet piss. Astronomers have discovered a planet the size of Jupiter, light years away, with an ammonia atmosphere and clouds of water, which,

[Dan Howell]

in case you didn't know, are the two main components of piss.

[Phil Lester]

It is a piss planet.

[Dan Howell]

It is a Jupiter sized piss planet. It's called Epsilon Indie ab, which is Jupiter. Terrible. So I've been workshopping it and I think they should call it Urinus.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, nice. Urine.

[Dan Howell]

US Planet Piss.

[Phil Lester]

Planet piss.

[Dan Howell]

I think Elon Musk should go there by himself.

[Phil Lester]

That makes me think, are there other planets out there?

[Dan Howell]

Is there a shit planet?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe?

[Dan Howell]

That doesn't make sense.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, if there's infinite universe out there, the problem is, oh, we're not

[Dan Howell]

getting back into inf. No, we don't need to think about that.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, Planet, come stash your nuts. A British wildlife festival. Sorry, had to offer refunds. You read it. You read it.

[Dan Howell]

Basically they said we're having a naturalist festival where there's gonna be like face painting and workshops and talks about squirrels.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

But a load of people turned up fully nude. Cause they thought it meant naturist festival.

[Phil Lester]

Oh no.

[Dan Howell]

Which is nudism.

[Phil Lester]

So some people wanted squirrels, some people wanted, either way, to release their squirrel.

[Dan Howell]

They got nuts. There were nuts all over the place and they had to offer refunds. Being like. Whilst we aim to be as inclusive as possible and certainly do not judge anyone, we are aiming the event at wildlife enthusiasts. Please do dress appropriately.

[Phil Lester]

That is. It's an easy mistake.

[Dan Howell]

Appropriate being literally anything. Please.

[Phil Lester]

It's an easy mistake to make.

[Dan Howell]

How old?

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember when I went to that hedge maze? Well, on other nights of the week they do naked hedge maze.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I don't like that. There's something swingery about it, isn't there?

[Phil Lester]

Is it?

[Dan Howell]

Cause, well, a lot of naturism is just meant to be living freely, non sexually.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

As we were intended to. Yeah, but hedge maze, it's got gay sauna vibes, hasn't it?

[Phil Lester]

A little bit.

[Dan Howell]

Uh oh, dead end.

[Phil Lester]

Who's around the corner?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Harold.

[Phil Lester]

Harold.

[Dan Howell]

Talk about getting bitten on the Florida by a squirrel.

[Phil Lester]

Bloomp. Yeah, watch out for those rodents.

[Dan Howell]

And now, as a special bonus, Phil has bombed.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

A women's TikTok.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil has gone locally viral after he crashed a women's rugby team's TikTok.

[Phil Lester]

I was so confused.

[Dan Howell]

How online are you? Let's look at this. Tonight, 19, I'm going to be Admiral Levine. Oh, yeah, you know, it's what they're doing for karaoke.

[Phil Lester]

They're in an airport right now just explaining it. Eminem.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, this is good. What's the next one? I mean, night, Matthew.

[Phil Lester]

Who's there?

[Dan Howell]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Pause. Look at me.

[Phil Lester]

Look at that. I'm there as well.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, but the Troy Bolton.

[Phil Lester]

And again, wow. I was in this TikTok so many times.

[Dan Howell]

Amazing.

[Phil Lester]

I was zoning out completely. Not really aware of what was going on around me.

[Dan Howell]

Well, yeah, you thought you were just living in peace in an airport.

[Phil Lester]

You weren't, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

You were an extra in this lovely piece of short form.

[Phil Lester]

I saw them filming it, but I didn't think I was in the shots. So I was just like, okay, whatever.

[Dan Howell]

Moral of the story, you are always in a TikTok. Yes, this is just for every. Whenever you go outside, you are always in a TikTok at all times. So don't pick your nose, don't adjust your underwear, don't sit nonchalantly like Princess Diana. Which I did. See, several people were saying that Phil in the wild had Princess Diana.

[Phil Lester]

I'm happy, actually. I had good posture in the background. I was very upright.

[Dan Howell]

People were losing their shit because a lot of people got this in their algorithm for demographic reasons, and then were just like, ariana, what are you doing here? That's fucking scary. I mean, the way that someone's brain cell probably just went d. Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

I'm never safe. Jordan says there's a man in the airport.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, okay. We like that he sits exactly how I thought he would fall. Is per.

[Phil Lester]

I was very, like, demure, and you

[Dan Howell]

were like, I'm at the airport and I'm going to sit properly. Most recognizable in the Wild Person award.

[Phil Lester]

That was my NPC outfit of the day. I had my jacket, the Ribena shirt, the wad.

[Dan Howell]

You had the hat.

[Phil Lester]

The wad hat.

[Dan Howell]

You were doing all. He was wondering if he has a bomb in his backpack here.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, that is my main thought. At an airport.

[Dan Howell]

I wasn't with you there, so you might have actually felt safe.

[Phil Lester]

That is you, Dan. I turned you into a backpack.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Well, what a joy and surprise for people. And honestly, I'm just grateful that there wasn't some crazy scandal based on something Phil did.

[Phil Lester]

I just want to be their friends after watching that TikTok. That looks like a fun time.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we're having a good time.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Closest I will ever be to a sport.

[Dan Howell]

Or getting muddy with 15 women on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

It's not too late, Dan. Boom.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Wow, world.

[Phil Lester]

What an experience.

[Dan Howell]

Did that make you want to have more friends?

[Phil Lester]

It made me want to go to karaoke.

[Dan Howell]

But, Phil, you can't just go to the karaoke. You would also have to play rugby.

[Phil Lester]

I could be the mascot. They could use a mascot.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, the quirky homosexual that just kind of bubbles up and down.

[Phil Lester]

The owl of the North.

[Dan Howell]

So shout out Didsbury women's rugby team.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know them, Phil? That's near Mankin It.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, they're friends already. I could be the Didsbury dingo.

[Dan Howell]

The Didsbury dildo.

[Phil Lester]

That's not gonna be the master.

[Dan Howell]

That's what they called him back in Manchester.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Whoa.

[Dan Howell]

It's not a hate crime if your 16 year situation ship says it.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. I'm not the Didsbury Dildo.

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[Phil Lester]

So you might remember we said we were going to go on a mystery quest. Yes.

[Dan Howell]

We went to film something that we will be appearing in later this year.

[Phil Lester]

We're not really.

[Dan Howell]

Don't worry about it for now we're

[Phil Lester]

not allowed to say anything about it. We went on a plane to another country just for the day to film

[Dan Howell]

something and it was an adventure that you'll hear all about. But as you can tell from Phil crashing rugby tiktoks us just going somewhere is also an adventure.

[Phil Lester]

No matter what happens, there's always some kind of drama incident. Firstly, Dan sus passport.

[Dan Howell]

No. Okay. What happened was the man behind the immigration counter didn't know how to use his computer.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And he had a meltdown. Oh my God. That was a really hot border agent.

[Phil Lester]

We arrive in this country, there's a super hot border agent and one that's just kind of an old man Grumpy dad. I say to Dan, I'm gonna go to the hot guy. And Dan's like, oof, look at those eyebrows.

[Dan Howell]

He was unbelievably so perfect looking distractingly peak. He looked good in a uniform.

[Phil Lester]

Dan got scared and then went to the old man rather than coming into my lane.

[Dan Howell]

I didn't get scared.

[Phil Lester]

You were flustered.

[Dan Howell]

What, by the aura of this border agent? No, you were the queue. So I went to the one next that had no man. And it was the biggest mistake ever because grumpy dad didn't know how to use his fucking compute.

[Phil Lester]

So I got scared. I got whisked straight through. I was waiting for 20 minutes on the other side of the border, like, where the hell has Dan gone?

[Dan Howell]

Because this guy was just going. And then the hot guy had to lean over and be like, oh, no, you didn't. Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Did his pec press against your arm?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. He was like, let me just show to move this mouse. And I was enjoying the show. But I did think I'm gonna get probed.

[Phil Lester]

This was a country which, depending on,

[Dan Howell]

ooh, maybe I should have been like, maybe I have a bomb.

[Phil Lester]

This was a country who we've not been to before. So I was like, don't fuck it up. What has Dan done? Yeah, don't mess it up.

[Dan Howell]

What haven't I done?

[Phil Lester]

To be fair, 20 whole minutes, I was like, where's he gone?

[Dan Howell]

What did you do without me? While I was stood there objectifying the

[Phil Lester]

border agent, I paced back and forth like a lost badger.

[Dan Howell]

Many lost badgers do that.

[Phil Lester]

Where is my mate? My burrow is now lonely.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, mate, your burrow. Which was the duty free shop.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Did you get spritzed on just for passing the time?

[Phil Lester]

I got spritzed so hard like a skunk. Anyway, we made it into the country. We did the thing we can't talk about. What can we say? You licked some Pringles on the plane.

[Dan Howell]

Yep. You've talked about that. Oh. Not the weirdest thing that happened on the plane.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Actually, the guy in front of us was on Grindr.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Literally.

[Dan Howell]

The man in the seat in front of us was just like, yup. And I think he was sat next to his dad.

[Phil Lester]

What? Okay, that got weird. I didn't realize it was his dad. I thought it was, like, his sugar daddy or something.

[Dan Howell]

I hope it was.

[Phil Lester]

People can have age gap relationships.

[Dan Howell]

There's also another element of interesting storytelling.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe they were looking for a third.

[Dan Howell]

The phone was very bright. It was very bright.

[Phil Lester]

It was. And it's Risky Business sound on as well.

[Dan Howell]

It's not just Tinder where you're like, swipe. Swipe. Yes. No, it's like someone's profile picture will be an entire penis.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Grindr's a risky one to do on a plane. I don't think you should do that.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think he can do that.

[Phil Lester]

Tinder's all right, but Grindr, I was shocked. You're gonna see full hole and you scroll along.

[Dan Howell]

And Madonna.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, she's on it, isn't she?

[Dan Howell]

Good for her.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. More grandmas.

[Phil Lester]

Why is she on Grindr? I didn't really read the news article. I just.

[Dan Howell]

You were just like, what's she doing? Promo stunt for the new project.

[Phil Lester]

I thought she was nailed the demographic.

[Dan Howell]

What? Just experimenting.

[Phil Lester]

Recruiting the gays for a music video or something. Aw, that'd be nice.

[Dan Howell]

Local, hyper, local gays. That would mean that Madonna was on our plane.

[Phil Lester]

Film. I know.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think she was there. We were in economy.

[Phil Lester]

I wonder how many people on Grindr as well on the plane that he could have, like, recruited.

[Dan Howell]

That's quite awkward, isn't it? Because if you obviously are on Grindr on a flight and someone says they're five yards away, you are now trapped on the same vehicle.

[Phil Lester]

Vehicle.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I just say things in weird ways to be funny sometimes.

[Phil Lester]

No problem with that. Good thing you didn't find furry 76. Who's that?

[Dan Howell]

Me. Is it? Yeah. Okay, very funny.

[Phil Lester]

There was also a moment we had someone with us that was kind of a guide in the situation we were in. And he said, you've got to eat the local soup of our land.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, and Phil, he can't drink food.

[Phil Lester]

Is soup a drink or a food? I can't deal with it.

[Dan Howell]

Depending on the chunkiness. It's a food.

[Phil Lester]

I would say the peer pressure level to order this soup was, you're having

[Dan Howell]

the soup, you're having the soup, you're having the soup. Everyone was like, yeah, I'll have the soup.

[Phil Lester]

He even went to the waiter, five soups for everyone.

[Dan Howell]

And you know what, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Were you proud?

[Dan Howell]

I was proud of you at that moment.

[Phil Lester]

I used my high school, don't do drugs attitude and said, excuse me, I will pass on the soup. I don't want to have that soup. No, no, no, no.

[Dan Howell]

Good for you.

[Phil Lester]

And he was very disappointed. He almost cried. But I said I'd have a lick of yours.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Phil did lick my spoon. I slurped, making it so that I didn't want the rest of my soup.

[Phil Lester]

And I didn't like it. It was horrible.

[Dan Howell]

Well, good for you standing up for yourself, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone's gonna die because they drank the poisoned soup. And you'll be the only one left.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

Unfortunately, you'll then have to asexually repopulate the world.

[Phil Lester]

So, yeah, I'd quite like to do that.

[Dan Howell]

Split off like a snail or something.

[Phil Lester]

It might be quite fun.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think you're flexible enough.

[Phil Lester]

No more fills. Tiny little Phils running around.

[Dan Howell]

Horror. I don't imagine that.

[Phil Lester]

I think you could learn from me, though, Dan, because I think you are more peer pressured than I am. You would put yourself in that situation.

[Dan Howell]

Have you forgotten that I was the hero of Stansted Airport?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

I saved everyone's fucking lives.

[Phil Lester]

You did. That was great.

[Dan Howell]

When is Tom Hanks gonna play me in a movie?

[Phil Lester]

Tomorrow? I called him.

[Dan Howell]

We got off our Ryanair flight. There was hella line.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Going off the plane into the fuck ass staircase, sky bridge, into the thing. And then the glass door that connects you to the baggage claim thing was locked shut.

[Phil Lester]

So we all got locked and people just pressed.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone just starts flooding into the ceiling.

[Phil Lester]

We couldn't open the door.

[Dan Howell]

Pressing their face again.

[Phil Lester]

And I had to say, like, whoa, the door is locked. Because we were right at the front.

[Dan Howell]

And I was like, is someone coming to open this?

[Phil Lester]

Nobody came.

[Dan Howell]

And then a person was stood on the other side, just some random airport worker. And I was like, is this door supposed to be open? And he went, if the door's closed, it's meant to be closed. I was like, we're trapped, but we've just disembarked the plane. Yeah, I think the door.

[Phil Lester]

It's meant to be open is supposed to be open.

[Dan Howell]

And he was like, don't tell me how to do my job.

[Phil Lester]

And I was like, it was like a power trip.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

He locked us behind that glass for fun.

[Dan Howell]

While he was stood there just being like, I have the power to, but I don't think I should.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, Jigsawers Standstead.

[Dan Howell]

And so we stood there for like five minutes. And everyone was just huffing and puffing. They were groaning, and they all just resigned to the fact to be trapped. This door is closed.

[Phil Lester]

Dan just started pacing down the corridors, trying to open random security doors, trying to get them.

[Dan Howell]

I was like, I don't believe this person. I believe that we're supposed to be free. And there were like, people holding prams with children halfway up a staircase, screaming. And old people just like, why are we stood here? So I said, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna push backwards past the entire crowd and go speak to someone that's still on the plane.

[Phil Lester]

Dan didn't really tell me he was gonna do this, so I turned around and he'd gone.

[Dan Howell]

I was just like, wa. It'll be fine.

[Phil Lester]

So you pushed past everyone all the way back to the plane, which you're not allowed to do.

[Dan Howell]

Poked a guy with a high vis jacket. And I was like, the door is locked. Everyone's just stood there.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

He was like, what the fuck? Who didn't open the door? I told, yeah, hello.

[Phil Lester]

You saved the day.

[Dan Howell]

What's everyone gonna do just fucking die there. Giant old age, starvation, thirst. What?

[Phil Lester]

Without you, we would be dusty skeletons right now in Stansted.

[Dan Howell]

It would have been the tragic death of 50 people that just had absolutely no plan to do anything otherwise.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know of all the places to die, I would say Stansted Airport would be one of the top wor

[Dan Howell]

staircase coming off a Ryanair flight.

[Phil Lester]

It's just a horrible airport.

[Dan Howell]

Luton Airport is worse.

[Phil Lester]

They're on a par.

[Dan Howell]

We flew out of Luton, we flew back from Stansted.

[Phil Lester]

Stansted.

[Dan Howell]

People are gonna be like googling.

[Phil Lester]

Where did flight was this? Where all flights do that. The things I saw in that bathroom, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Which one? The Luton airport, Stansted. What did you see the guy and his sugar daddy?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, and the one that they found on the plane.

[Dan Howell]

And Madonna. Oh, very flexible.

[Phil Lester]

Time goes by so slowly in Stansted Airport.

[Dan Howell]

We're gonna die in this game.

[Ike Barinholtz]

Hey, I'm Ike Barinholtz. On my new show, Funny youy Ask, Trivia starts the conversation and then things immediately go off the rails. I ask a question, my guests think they know the answer. Sometimes they do. More often they do not. And then the conversation takes a turn. One trivia question turns into stories about career highs, painful bombs, and behind the scenes moments that probably should have remained private. You'll hear confidence, misplaced confidence, bold guesses, wrong answers, quick laughs, and the slow realization that maybe this was a bad idea to say out loud. If you like smart comedy, sharp conversations, and trivia that exists purely to melt people's brains, this is funny. You ask with me, Ike Barinholtolz. Follow Funny youy Ask with Ike Barinholtz on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Hey, everybody. My name is Bob the Drag Queen.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm Monet X Change.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

And we are the hosts of Sibling Rivalry. This is the podcast where two best friends gab, talk smack, and have a lot of fun with our black queer selves. Yeah, for sure. You know, we are family, so we talk about everything, honey, from why we don't like hugs, to black Lives Matter,

[Phil Lester]

to interracial dating, to other things.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Right, Bob? Yes, and it gets messy. And we are not afraid to be wrong. So please join us over here at Civic Bribery. Available anywhere you get your podcast, you can listen and subscribe for free.

[Dan Howell]

For free, honey. So we made it back.

[Phil Lester]

We did.

[Dan Howell]

And me and Phil don't really participate in society, so we're constantly surprised by things that happened.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Relatable moment. Me and Phil wake up one morning. Tragic. We've run out of oatly barista.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, what do we do?

[Dan Howell]

How do we live?

[Phil Lester]

How do we breathe?

[Dan Howell]

How do you have your very stale Jordan's Country Crisp, which is a distinctly mid cereal?

[Phil Lester]

Just shove it in dry.

[Dan Howell]

So I was like, I'm gonna cross the road to get the milk. Cause this is very important. I walk outside, I go on a little journey. It's like a two minute walk. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Oh, yeah, all of these people. What the hell? Oh, it's the London. The London marathon is happening today.

[Phil Lester]

They were literally marathon.

[Dan Howell]

Literally a million. This is like in 2012 when we moved into our apartment and I was like, what's all this noise? And then I opened my bedroom window and the Olympic torch was being carried past.

[Phil Lester]

At that moment, Dame Kelly Holmes was running past. Do you know, I don't think I could do one mile of a marathon.

[Dan Howell]

I know that. Yeah, I do know that. That is a fact.

[Phil Lester]

I did try and do couch to 5K once. Remember that? My running era.

[Dan Howell]

How long does something have to be to count as an error? Because, like, people are like an album. Cycle is like a two year era.

[Phil Lester]

I did the BBC one and there's a guy in your ear going, come on, keep running. I was like, I can't handle this.

[Dan Howell]

The NHS, the British healthcare system made a free couch to 5K app where they paid celebrities to guide you on your journey from couch to 5K. And Phil did.

[Phil Lester]

I did six sessions and then I got shin splints.

[Dan Howell]

And that's a valid thing. That happens to some people. So can we have some sympathy for film?

[Phil Lester]

You've gotta train your shins before you start doing it.

[Dan Howell]

You tried your best. So how many K's did you get to half a mile?

[Phil Lester]

I got to one mile.

[Dan Howell]

No, probably 1k.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Which is like a good seven minutes of jogging.

[Phil Lester]

But you have run half a marathon.

[Dan Howell]

I did have a running error.

[Phil Lester]

You did? Yeah. Remember that?

[Dan Howell]

And I think the problem was I always thought. Thought I was running. And then I went to do Brighton half marathon. And then I realized that I think I was actually just kind of shuffling at a walking pace.

[Phil Lester]

That's technically what a marathon is.

[Dan Howell]

Started. And people were like, I'm running. And I realized that my natural. I'm gonna have to get up and do it.

[Phil Lester]

Go and do the shuffle. Do the shuffle.

[Dan Howell]

This is actually how I ran. I was like this.

[Phil Lester]

That kind of counts. He's doing the like half of it.

[Dan Howell]

How would you describe that for the Apple music people?

[Phil Lester]

I would say you were kind. Oh, shit.

[Dan Howell]

Let me just aggressively finger my glass.

[Phil Lester]

Are you so tired from that jog you just had to have a Big Gulp?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And now for the Spotify listeners. Can you describe my mints? Dan looks like an old person having a medical problem.

[Phil Lester]

An old penguin.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

With a bbl, illegally. And trying to rush to a medical room to deal with it.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. To get the filler dissolved.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That is my running stance.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And basically, I realized that I'd been training for a marathon for a month, and I'd actually just been kind of walking kind of fast.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, that's fair.

[Dan Howell]

I'd signed up for the London Marathon was the problem.

[Phil Lester]

And you couldn't do it.

[Dan Howell]

Well, Phil, you encouraged me not to.

[Phil Lester]

You just didn't seem ready.

[Dan Howell]

There's people in your life and you're like, how do they lift you up?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

It was the night before, and I was like, I got a carb load, so I'm gonna order a load of sweet potato fries, which I don't actually think is.

[Phil Lester]

That was a mistake is how that counts.

[Dan Howell]

Carb loading.

[Phil Lester]

You felt those potatoes kind of fry loading.

[Dan Howell]

And so I ate about 10 sweet potatoes. And then at 11pm I was just like, I'm nervous. I just, what if I can't do it? And Phil went, you just shouldn't do it.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I could just tell that you were not ready.

[Bob the Drag Queen]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Great. Yeah. And you know what our friend who was a personal trainer said at the time?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Dan, I think you would have surprised yourself.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

He was so disappointed.

[Phil Lester]

I was picturing you having a heart attack. But I did see the London Marathon. Freddy Fazbear did the whole thing in a suit. So maybe you could have done it.

[Dan Howell]

Cynthia Erivo did the whole thing with nails.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, you don't need nails to

[Dan Howell]

run in spite of that.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I see what you mean, Shiro.

[Dan Howell]

Look at that.

[Phil Lester]

Look at that. Scary. That's good pace.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, it's like, you gotta have.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe they're like. They help the aerodynamics.

[Dan Howell]

You know when you're playing hockey and it's like, if you fall over, you gotta do this with your hands. Retract your fingers so they don't get cut off.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone around Cynthia Rivo had to be like, just give us six feet of space. Otherwise slice. Exactly. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You can do it another time, though.

[Dan Howell]

I will not do that. I did not enjoy it. A lot of people, the great lie is they go, the thing with running is one day you'll just Love it.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

And I did it for so many weeks, and every single time I was like, I want to be fucking dead.

[Phil Lester]

Endorphins.

[Dan Howell]

I am so sad. I feel like shit. Like, every step is horrible. I'm listening to another Fuck Ass podcast and they're not distracting me enough.

[Phil Lester]

What about our Fuck Ass podcast?

[Dan Howell]

That would make you run faster, as if you're trying to escape the sounds of Dan and Phil. Yeah, it made me hate the music I was listening to. I was like, I'm listening to my favorite album. Distant, Disgusting.

[Phil Lester]

I think people just tell themselves endorphins are real to make themselves feel better.

[Dan Howell]

Hot emo take there, Phil. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What is an endorphin? We're just saying things now.

[Dan Howell]

Never found it once.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry, everyone that likes science.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, everyone that likes endorphins.

[Phil Lester]

Let's listen to some more intelligent people

[Dan Howell]

now, our listeners with some hard launches.

[American Express Announcer]

Hi, my name is Rhys. I'm from Ohio in the US Hi.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so sorry. And my hard launch is that if you accept this proposal and allow me to and tell me to, I will

[American Express Announcer]

get the hard launch logo as a tramp stamp.

[Dan Howell]

Yes or no?

[Phil Lester]

Well.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. Phil's beating you too.

[Phil Lester]

I've already got one.

[Dan Howell]

Are we. Are we gonna. Are we gonna tell this now? I mean, we actually did this in September. There it is. Ah, yeah. Phil, isn't that sexy? Yeah. Sorry there, brother Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I already beat you to it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. For real. The process of attaching that temporary tattoo for Phil was fucking traumatizing. Have you ever tried to bathe a cat?

[Phil Lester]

It was cold water. You didn't warm it up for me.

[Dan Howell]

I fucked it up. I made it a very upsetting process for you.

[Phil Lester]

Put it too close to the crack.

[Dan Howell]

I did put it way too close to the crack. That was dangerous on camera. Sorry.

[Phil Lester]

We might put that on TikTok. Follow us, Dan and Phil, if you

[Dan Howell]

want to see Phil's ass crack drip. Just horrible words. Horrible words abound. No, it is quite cool. How do you feel generally about people getting Dan and Phil tattoos? There are tens of thousands. You're not going to be like, fucking hate it?

[Phil Lester]

No, I know. It's exciting. It's like, of all the things in the world, someone's got something related to me put on them.

[Dan Howell]

It does have immense sentimental value for us. Does it?

[Phil Lester]

Sometimes if I write something with terrible handwriting, I'm like, oh, please, like, can I write it again?

[Dan Howell]

But then that makes it funnier. And then they're more likely to do it. What you should say is, I wrote this quote for you and I love it. And they'll go, oh, Phil didn't fuck it up enough. I don't want to do it now.

[Phil Lester]

Although I think someone wanted breathe once and I spelled it wrong. I think I wrote breath, breath, breath, breath, breath. It's a hard word.

[Dan Howell]

But as far as objective designs go, it's great. I mean, I always say, you know, when Phil gets cancelled one day for being a cannibal, you'll just go. I love the concept of hard launching and graphic design.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And it will live forever.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

Hi, guys.

[Phil Lester]

Hi.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

This is Alyssa from the gorgeous state of Rhode Island.

[Phil Lester]

Hello.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

I'd like to fucking hard launch every woman on Earth to stop getting a boyfriend. I'm so fucking sick. I'm so fucking sick.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sick.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

And for my best friend to break up with him.

[Dan Howell]

I'm over it.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. That is the problem. If one of your friends gets into a relationship and starts ignoring you, lost,

[Dan Howell]

they are dead to you.

[Phil Lester]

Let's be real.

[Dan Howell]

Did we do that for everyone else that we knew? 100% ghosted. We went to the afterlife together. No.

[Phil Lester]

I did.

[Dan Howell]

We joined the Black Parade. Who the fuck knows? Dan and Phil. My family didn't.

[Phil Lester]

We kept some friendships going.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Like four.

[Phil Lester]

Like four.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. But I mean. Yeah, they were trying to compete for our time with each other, which was hard.

[Phil Lester]

It was hard.

[Dan Howell]

So I understand.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I think if you are getting into a relationship, you don't know how long it's gonna last. Don't abandon friends.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Unless your friends are awful and then in which case that's fine. But not you, who sent in that hard launch. You're cool.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Caroline. I'm from Ottawa, Illinois.

[Phil Lester]

Hello.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

And I'm hard. Launching. Getting rabies.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

I just got my first rabies shot today because a bat flew into my house last night while my titties were out and possibly scratched me. And I have the worst health anxiety, so I'm getting rabies shots just in case.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh. Well, I mean, of all the times a bit bitten by a bat is when your titties are out.

[Dan Howell]

The imagery is vivid, isn't it? It's always when you're least prepared for something, imagine it's flapping around and then you're flapping around because you haven't prepared for it, have you?

[Phil Lester]

But real talk, if an animal, even a stray dog on holiday gives you a scratch, don't go with rabies. See a doctor. Because it is bad.

[Dan Howell]

Rabies can kill you in.

[Phil Lester]

No, it will kill you 100%.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that's it. Rabies has a 100% fatality rate.

[Phil Lester]

It does.

[Dan Howell]

And it's incurable. So you need to get the jab immediately. Never don't get the jab.

[Phil Lester]

Always get the jab. If you've been scratched, see a doctor.

[Dan Howell]

Although you got bit on the Florida by a squirrel and you didn't.

[Phil Lester]

But that's because I was told by the doctor that squirrels probably don't have rabies.

[Dan Howell]

Love the probably there.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

A bunch of other stuff.

[Phil Lester]

That was great. But that was when I was young and naive. I didn't know about this, but Modern

[Dan Howell]

health anxiety, Phil, you'd have gotten everything for the lolz. I would, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Give me those vaccines.

[Dan Howell]

Hep A, B, C, Z. I love a vaccine. Ebola 5. You'd have been like, give them all to me.

[Phil Lester]

Stick me with all of them. I'm protected.

[Dan Howell]

All right, I'm gonna call in the Richard there. Richard, Richard, Richard, we need you.

[Phil Lester]

Ricardio.

[Dan Howell]

Ow. I had a knee there. Ow, that's my foot.

[Phil Lester]

Emilia broke his leg.

[Dan Howell]

That's my foot. Move Richard back around my foot. It's hard.

[Phil Lester]

He's got.

[Dan Howell]

Ow, that's my toe.

[Phil Lester]

Bilateral wheels.

[Dan Howell]

What do you call them? Shout out to the bisexuals.

[Phil Lester]

Hello, bisexuals. Right, you clonk it today.

[Dan Howell]

I'll crank her.

[Phil Lester]

Crank her good.

[Dan Howell]

Come here, lad.

[Phil Lester]

Another yellow ball. It's a yellow ball.

[Dan Howell]

I want to speak to the manager. And I think that's me.

[Phil Lester]

I want to read it.

[Dan Howell]

Who wants to speak to the manager? Me. How do you not catch someone from 10 centimeters?

[Phil Lester]

You throw me the ball.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you. Overtime. Here.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, what's.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Fuck it. Are you joking? In between your legs. Don't let me explore your crotch.

[Phil Lester]

I've had the Pringles top between my leg the whole time.

[Dan Howell]

Save me.

[Phil Lester]

Here it is.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. What does it say? I'm so scared. The shorter it is, the scarier it is.

[Phil Lester]

Diamonds found fucking dead.

[Dan Howell]

Who cares? Literally, who cares?

[Phil Lester]

They say millennials and Gen Z have killed diamonds because no one cares about precious. Rocks are where they came from.

[Dan Howell]

You walk into some fuck ass corner shop and see 10p fake diamonds and I'm like, that's shiny.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know?

[Dan Howell]

Who can tell?

[Phil Lester]

The one pound engagement ring from Asda looked great.

[Dan Howell]

It looked great.

[Phil Lester]

I would want a lab grown diamond.

[Dan Howell]

Brave take, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Not a brave take. It's the correct take.

[Dan Howell]

Performatively woke.

[Phil Lester]

That's not performative.

[Dan Howell]

I'm joking.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Obviously, we are pro ethical gems.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

So you had to have a gem. But I think that me and Phil also agree people can be into these things if they want. We personally don't particularly care about gems.

[Phil Lester]

If you were to propose to me, what gem would you get?

[Dan Howell]

Keep it away.

[Phil Lester]

What finger is it?

[Dan Howell]

Are you.

[Phil Lester]

I don't.

[Dan Howell]

Show me a ring finger.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what they're called for.

[Dan Howell]

The Spotify listeners fellow's actually looking through all of his fingers and he doesn't know where the ring goes.

[Phil Lester]

I think it's that.

[Dan Howell]

That's an index finger.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Who names these? You think that people point at things with a ring?

[Phil Lester]

I point at these with every finger.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine you're looking at someone that has got engaged and they're showing you their ring. What finger is it? Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Well done.

[Dan Howell]

It's the fourth one.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Is that called the ring finger?

[Dan Howell]

Yes. Well, this has been very educational, hasn't it?

[Phil Lester]

What's this one called?

[Dan Howell]

That's a thumb. Interesting. Well, I think we'd go sentimental. I don't think either of us would particularly care about a diamond.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

What was the color palette thing? Am I gold and you're silver?

[Phil Lester]

I am silver. You're gold, right?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. So you'd have to get, like, a silver one.

[Phil Lester]

I want a meteorite.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Because that's just cool.

[Phil Lester]

I want you to get me a meteorite.

[Dan Howell]

The entire meteorite. You want me to catch it in a net like Animal Crossing? And what would you get me?

[Phil Lester]

The blackest stone.

[Dan Howell]

That is so true.

[Phil Lester]

Like a deep onyx.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Absorbs light that's been found in a well.

[Dan Howell]

A sad well.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Interesting. I think we were both the kind of kids that liked shiny rocks. I, like, subscribed to Shiny Rock magazine when I was, like, seven.

[Phil Lester]

It's called Treasures of the Earth.

[Dan Howell]

Give me that tiger. Give me that lapis. Give me that amethyst.

[Phil Lester]

I collected all the rocks from that.

[Dan Howell]

It was so fucking cool. And those rocks cost, like 9p each. And they looked great.

[Phil Lester]

I used to sit on my bedroom floor and just stroke my rocks. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Gems.

[Phil Lester]

Gems.

[Dan Howell]

Diamonds. Expensive. Fine. Traditional proposal. Found in shambles. But space. Black one on the cards.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Cool and authentic.

[Phil Lester]

Great.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Don't feel pressured to do traditional things if it's too expensive. I think is the moral of the story.

[Phil Lester]

I think that's it.

[Dan Howell]

But it's okay to like expensive things if they bring you joy. Isn't that right, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

That is right. You enjoy Whatever you want to enjoy, even if it's a diamond.

[Dan Howell]

So get that sugar baby next to you on the plane. He'll be chatting to Madonna and you'll have a lovely trip.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know, once I found a diamond on the floor and I took it to a rock specialist because I was like, oh, my God, what if this is worth like a thousand pounds?

[Dan Howell]

Where the fuck was this?

[Phil Lester]

In York.

[Dan Howell]

When the fuck was this?

[Phil Lester]

When I was at York.

[Dan Howell]

And what happened?

[Phil Lester]

Well, he like looked into the diamond that I found and he said it was plastic.

[Dan Howell]

Get fucking wrecked. Moral of the story, don't have hope. And you can't tell the difference.

[Phil Lester]

No. Thank you for joining us on this hard. Launch day.

[Dan Howell]

Get your tattoos.

[Phil Lester]

Hey.

[Dan Howell]

Hey.

[Phil Lester]

Next week is gonna be a very special episode because Dan is going away for his mum's birthday.

[Dan Howell]

So we are planning a special episode. Are we gonna say it now?

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna say it. It's gonna be a rich and special oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Bonus episode two. Little time. Get that red one out.

[Phil Lester]

As many balls as we can release, we're gonna do them and we're gonna talk about some interesting things.

[Dan Howell]

And maybe, Phil, your Red Bull is gonna drop.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Are you ready?

[Phil Lester]

I'm scared.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks for listening. If you want 15 minutes of bonus yapping, we're gonna be over on the Patreon. We're gonna give you an updates and

[Phil Lester]

we're also gonna talk about some spawns that we've had over the years and some behind the scenes lore, Things we

[Dan Howell]

turn down, things that we regret.

[Phil Lester]

Like Dan having a gimp that he brought around Reading Town.

[Dan Howell]

Did I delete that video?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe. If I haven't, I should have. All right, well, we'll see you over there. Thanks for supporting us and we'll see you next week.

[Phil Lester]

Bye.

[Dan Howell]

Bye.

[Road Safety Announcer]

I drive my bus in a busy city. That's why road safety is so important to me. I know that I must slow down and be extra careful when I make a wide turn. Buses need more room than cars. Everyone can help keep our roads safe. Next time you're driving, remember to give buses plenty of time and space to finish turning before driving ahead. Let's all plan to share the road safely. Learn how at www.sharetherodesafely.gov.

[Phil Lester]

and Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Hard Launch Call-in Guest]

Hey, everyone.

[Phil Lester]

Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual Together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.